Love and Other Tragedies
by Fancyeyes
Summary: "We don't deserve her," the Head Boy answered thoughtfully. "None of us do. Not even me. Not because she's perfect. She's not. Sometimes I think she's even more disastrously flawed than the rest of us combined. And not because she's beautiful, even though she is. Certainly not for being lovely because she never was.We don't deserve her because she's so much more than we'll ever be"
1. Prologue: All the Reasons Why

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Full Summary**: Lily's life is turned upside down by a late night outburst from her boyfriend's best friend, sending her down a path of self discovery that will change all her careful ideals of the way things are _supposed _to be.

**Author's Note: **This story functions almost completely in cannon, despite one large exception that LILY IS DATING SIRIUS when the story begins. I'm the author so of course I'm going to suggest giving the story a chance before judging what might be deemed an OOC decision. Characters are kind of my thing and if you give mine a chance I'm pretty sure you'll enjoy them too.

It is a DIFFERENT explanation of our favorite untold story of Lily and the Marauders.

Everything we know about the Marauders, Lily, and Snape are all as they happen in the book. I simply attempted to give a fresh view as to how things got that way.

**This is rated M and it will be for a reason. **_This is the prologue and it written in a different style than the rest of the story. _

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. I'm not making any money.

**Prologue:**

**All of the Reasons Why**

There was a time in Hogwarts' history when the whispers of war were hushed, but always heard. Focusing outward meant confronting the unattractive truths that waited with sly anticipation just beyond graduation.

It was easier to come together, looking within their sanctuary for distractions.

Relationships were in vogue, and it was not hard to find couples of every house and age seeking solace in the company of the only thing that they could control… love. Fleeting, young, and repeatedly naïve the type of love they found was not always the forever type or even the meaningful kind.

There was one couple though, who no one ever doubted the importance of their love.

Their lust was legendary, and their relationship could always be counted on for the latest bit of tantalizing gossip. Younger students were more than willing to share tales of catching them snogging in broom closets, shagging up in the Astronomy Tower, or even their famous rendezvous by the lake that every second year boy knew could be witnessed if one was lucky enough to possess the right pair of binoculars.

For all those who took the time to consider such things-

It was obvious.

Lily and Sirius were meant to be.

Lily Evans was good at almost everything and even the very best at a few, but the very best thing that Lily was good at was love. She had known different kinds of love her entire life.

Her parents had loved each so fiercely that Lily often suspected they didn't have any leftover to share with their daughters. They were magnificent parents, of course. Clapping the loudest when Lily won academic awards and always taking care of their daughters in every way they could, but Lily had always been aware that her parents would have been just as happy if it were just the two of them on a deserted island and Lily and Petunia did not exist.

Lily supposed it was romantic.

As a result of this imbalance, Lily loved her sister the most. She needed it more than anyone else. Up until the day she had met Severus Snape, Lily had been very good at getting Petunia to love her back. Unfortunately, ever since her transformation from muggle to magical, Petunia had been obsessed with muggle. Her sister's return of affection depended solely on Lily's willingness to act completely "normal." Any slip of the world of the word "Quidditch" or accidental magic would result in not hearing from Petunia for a month.

In opposition to the love she had for her sister, there was the love she had for Severus Snape. It would have been impossible not to love the boy she met on the playground that fateful day. In Lily's mind, he had given her magic, filling a hole in her life that she had not even realized existed. Severus had never felt love a day in his life and Lily gave him enough to drown in.

While Petunia relied on Lily's love to be purely "normal," Lily was faced with the full responsibility of teaching Severus _HOW _to love.

Eventually it had become obvious that even though Severus had learned how to love her, he would never be able to stop hating himself for it. It is Severus Snape's great tragedy that he could never reconcile his own powerful love with his equally important hate. It is how he became just a paragraph in someone else's love story.

Yes, Lily Evans had built up years of experience with love. It was hate that puzzled the girl who was good at everything. She had never been able to come to terms with it.

_Love was easy_.

If you looked hard enough you could find something to love in anyone.

Love was something you could control, while hate ran rampant through the irrational at mind and desperate of heart. If love was control, then hate was ignorance.

It was love that pulled Lily like a magnet toward the Marauders in the first place. Not the outward kind that made professors smile at their kindness, or the obvious kind that shed a thick ray of sunshine on all those near them, but in a deep way that the experienced heart of Lily Evans could detect even in their first year.

As a silent observer, she watched the four boys transcend obstacles of family and devastation, knowing even before the boys themselves that the love would grow. She knew it because more than anything the four of them needed each other.

_They all had their tragedies._

And Lily understood just how closely related love and need really were.

She was drawn to them from the start, but it took her a long time to figure out how appreciate them. They had similarities- both Lily and the Marauders were quite popular, all proud Gryffindors, and they all had deep feelings regarding Severus Snape.

Those deep, very opposing views, of the Slytherin led to uneasiness in Lily's early life at Hogwarts. It nearly drove her crazy trying to somehow decipher, separate, and bring to terms her ideals of love, the Marauders, and her childhood best friend.

In the end, Lily could love the Marauders in spite of the fact that they were immature, arrogant, and rule breakers, but she couldn't love Severus in spite of all his hate.

If she was being honest with herself, then Lily could have admitted that it could have been any of them.

It could have been Remus, who out of the four of them was most like her in outward attitude. He was smart in a dedicated way. He applied himself to all challenges with the vigor of a man with something to prove, and he was so nice that she feared it would run away with him. There was something in his eyes though that made her cautious and for a long time she could not put her finger on it.

One day sitting in the Great Hall on a rare cloudless day during third year, there had been a picture of a man in the Daily Prophet who admittedly- although accidentally- killed his wife.

She had stared at the picture recognizing something and not being able to put her finger on it, when his eyes shifted slowly to stare directly at her.

It was guilt.

It was on that man's face and it had been on Remus Lupin's face every single day she had ever known him. It was a look- to her horror- that made her question whether love really did conquer all. She might have been as brave as any Gryffindor, but that was something she knew she could not face.

It even could have been Peter, with his boyish face and sweet smile. Like another friend of Lily's, Peter was often misunderstood. Unlike Severus, who would never appear dim especially not to his enemies, Peter's quiet nature was often mistaken for blankness. It was something that he used to his advantage, proving that he was actually quite clever in his own ways. He understood the group dynamics and used them to accomplish his means.

However like Remus's eyes, there was something that caused her unease. Even though she watched him carefully and saw more than most, she felt like it was never enough. Lily was the sole owner of the belief that Peter Pettigrew was a bit mysterious.

James was the least likely out of the group. She could not blame him, when he was constantly showered with love and adoration, for believing it. The attractive Quidditch Chaser had two attitudes toward Lily: annoyance and indifference. She _could_ blame him for that.

From the end of fifth year on, Lily was there with them and even though the other boys seemed to not only not mind having her present, but actually _WANTED_ her to be with them, James continued in his unspoken desire for her to go back to Severus Snape or wherever the hell she came from.

_James Potter did not need her love in the least._

That left Sirius.

And because she had loved Petunia and because she had loved Severus, she knew exactly how to love Sirius Black.

She knew deep in her heart that she belonged with the Marauders. _It was natural_.

He needed her and she needed them.

_Love was easy._

She could have had a relationship with any of them, except maybe James, but it was Sirius who needed her the most. And although Sirius had never been described as such in his entire life- to Lily- he was safe.

She would never be in danger of loving him _too_ much.

_Love was control._

Loving someone _too_much was not something Lily was interested in. _Too_much love was a tragedy. Ask Romeo or Juliet. Ask Lily's 'magnificent' parents who could never love their children exactly how they should. Ask her father why he would run into a burning house, knowing his wife was long dead.

_In the end the only thing left were orphans and bad love stories._

To everyone at Hogwarts, Lily and Sirius were meant for each other.

She was the beautiful Head Girl to-be, and he was the charming trouble maker. It was a book begging to be written- the girl perfect at love and the boy who desperately needed it. A pureblood going against all that he had ever known to be with mudblood.

_Lily supposed it was romantic._

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Author's Note: _I'd say the Prologue is just a little "Life According to Lily."_

_I should warn you that you are getting into a monster of a fic. It's an_in depth_look at what you might deem a very backwards explanation of how things came to be the way they are in the Harry Potter series._

_If JK taught us anything it's that nothing is ever easy and I'm applying the same philosophy to the Marauder Era._

_It will be written in a more mature light and will deal with sexual situations._

I really appreciate feedback!


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

**Rainy Days and Quidditch Plays**

He was staring at her again. It happened more often now, Lily noted from where she sat alone in the library. When they were younger she felt it all the time, but then it had stopped as quickly as it began sometime during fifth year. Now it seemed his penetrating gaze had returned.

She decided she didn't mind it.

She wouldn't mind knowing what he saw when he stared though.

"Lily!"

"Sirius?" The voice and the handsome face she recognized. It was the location the startled her. "This is the library."

He grinned enjoying her teasing and even more that he had surprised her. Sirius always took pleasure in giving a little shock, but it was hard to surprise the girl who observed everything. "I'm aware. I came to study."

His proud voice puzzled her further, but her emerald eyes remained expectant. She was waiting for the punch line.

"Oi! James, mate! I was wondering where you had gotten off to." Her boyfriend exclaimed much too loudly for the library, spotting his best friend a few tables away. "What are you doing here?"

The boy in question gathered his books together quickly and made his way other to them. Lily suspected it was just so Sirius wouldn't get them in trouble with the librarian. Taking a seat across from her, James placed a book in front Sirius.

"Quidditch, I should've known!" Sirius had a wonderful full laugh and Lily couldn't help but suppress her own amusement when the librarian eyed them severely. There was nothing quiet about his laugh. "You're bound to be the greatest captain in Gryffindor- no- Hogwarts' history as much strategizing as you do."

James just smiled and pulled the Quidditch book back from Sirius. For all the times Sirius talked about how funny and talkative James Potter was, he never had much to say around Lily.

They settled into their chairs and Lily passed Sirius her DADA book because (of course) he hadn't brought his own, and they began to study. It didn't take long for her boyfriend to lose focus though and even Lily had to admit her surprise that he lasted five entire minutes without speaking.

"It makes sense, really." Sirius said thoughtfully looking around the library.

Distracted Lily jotted down a few notes from her Potion's book. "What's that?"

"Lily Evans, James Potter, and Severus Snape." He stated.

Her face snapped up to meet his. She caught a glimpse of James mirroring her action. "What?"

Sirius rolled his eyes and gestured around the library to where Severus sat across the room. "The top three students of our year are the only ones holed up in the library on such a beautiful day."

"Sirius, it's raining outside." James pointed out ignoring any other observations.

"Exactly!" He exclaimed. "Do you have any idea how much fun you can have in the rain? Not to mention, Lily's white shirt!"

This earned him a smack on the back of the head that Lily administered with her very heavy potions book. He barely acknowledged the blow from the girl wearing said white shirt. It was James' turn to disrupt the library with his laughter and it caused a third distraught stare from the librarian.

Sighing deeply, Lily packed up her things and gingerly pulled at Sirius's shirt beckoning him to follow her out quietly. She had planned on getting ahead in Potions' work, but it was no use with her easily distracted puppy around.

She felt _his_ eyes again following them and maybe that was the real reason it was time to leave the library in peace. Because as much as she didn't mind his eyes staring at her like _that_, she knew Sirius would.

They made it halfway up to the common room before Sirius realized their unlikely position of being alone and having a free afternoon. It would be one their last before the long summer ahead of them.

"Let's go to the lake." Not bothering to wait for her reply, he had her by the hand dragging her along after him.

She would have reminded him that it was indeed raining, but Lily knew this would only provide a spirited rant.

Sirius loved the rain.

He could never understand why people let it hinder them. He would say 'We're bloody wizards for Merlin's sake!' whenever Lily had tried to deter him before.

She had to admit her rather muggle mind set, always forgetting she could cast a warming charm if she was cold or a simple "Accio…" when she couldn't find her hairbrush.

The rain had not cooled the air and she was thankful as they made their way across the grounds to their 'spot.'

The dainty alcove of the lake slanted back slightly into the trees, hiding them from the castle except for maybe a glimpse from the Gryffindor tower. It was a good thing that someone would have had to be looking very hard with a strong pair of binoculars to spot them, after all the naughty things Sirius had been able to talk her into doing in their secret 'spot.'

She was thankful for the cool drizzle that slid down her cheeks, as they warmed and reddened at the thought.

He got ahead of her somehow, always overly excited, and his bare feet were hidden beneath the glassy surface of the lake by the time she joined him. He was lounging on an overly large rock that was still too small to be classified as a boulder in Lily's mind- it was just big enough for two.

She shook out her mane of healthy curls to free them from water.

"Merlin…" He trailed off staring at her with a look Lily knew too well.

It sent crazy tingles all over her body, dipping low enough to make her eyes flutter shut for a half a second.

He splashed carelessly into the shin high lake, another thing Lily would not have done for her muggle mind set. Sirius would never consider letting his soaked pants dry the natural way. Why would he when with a simple swish and sharp flick to the left they would be dry instantly?

Drying his pants didn't seem to be on his mind in a muggle or magical way as he was simply taking the most direct route to his deliciously soaked girlfriend in her forgotten white shirt.

"Damn." She cursed quickly crossing her arms across her chest as he reached her. She had completely forgotten Sirius's other favorite reason for loving the rain- its likely hood of making her clothes translucent and/or stick to her like a second skin.

She also cursed the fact that instead of wearing a black bra (the only color she had laundered at the moment); she had opted to just wear a similarly white camisole underneath.

Sirius was having none of that, pushing her arms back down to her sides and staring at her.

She found herself wondering for the second time that day what boys saw when they stared at her.

She knew the logistics of course. She had very red hair that lingered toward a darker tone than orange with green eyes that somehow people always seemed to notice, despite the fact they only irritated Lily with their ever curious glint. If she was thinking something it showed right through her eyes, and the nuisance made it impossible for her to lie to someone's face.

She had been told she had a nice figure ever since she'd developed somewhere around fourteen- a little later than the other girls, she remembered. Her dorm mates were always sighing irritably when she dressed, complaining someone should never be blessed with a nice chest and a fit waist. She was taller than most of the girls in her year, but certainly not the tallest.

"You're perfect." He answered her silent question. She suspected it was her eyes again. They always gave away far too much. "Lovely Lily."

Any other time he used Professor Slughorn's favorite nickname for her, she would have most definitely resorted to annoyance, but now as he trailed the tips of his fingers along her bare arm she was left with thrilled chill bumps that had nothing to do with the weather. Again her eyes fluttered closed as she enjoyed the intoxicating sensation of her body coming alive.

She knew from his cool breath on her face that he had moved closer to her, but it didn't stop a delighted shiver from running down her body when the rough fabric of his shirt brushed against her sensitive chest.

Shallow breathes encouraged him forward, as she waited impatiently. Her eyes helplessly closed. The attempts to suppress her eagerness were futile as she could not stop her lips from parting slightly and her face tilting up to him in anticipation. However when his lips finally made contact, her eyes shot open with a gasp.

The kiss started at the tender skin where her shoulder tilted into her neck before his teasing tongue followed a rain drop up to her ear. She got one look at the heavy canopy of trees above them before her eyes involuntarily closed again. She hadn't even realized she was clinging to him while his teeth sensually pulled her ear until he took a step away from her and she wobbled embarrassingly towards him.

As he watched his obvious affect on her, 'the smirk' made its first appearance of the afternoon.

'The smirk' was an apparent developed trait by all of the Marauders, in fact Lily had often jokingly wondered if they all practiced it in their dorm because they all executed it with an air of perfect confidence. It presented itself when one of them accomplished something they deemed (on the rare occasion) challenging.

Apparently driving her mad with want warranted such occasion.

To give herself credit, Sirius Black was ridiculously fanciable and any other girl at Hogwarts could be taken to the same frenzied state she was currently in by a simple brush of his hand or as she had once witnessed by a particularly eager fourth year, a glimpse of a smile. At least he was actually _trying _to send her over the edge. Not that he ever had to try very hard.

He was tall and sometimes she got irritated that kissing him forced her to her tip toes. Falling exactly perfectly at all times, his smooth dark hair was enviable as was his constant elegant demeanor that more often than not made her feel as graceful as a hippogriff.

Unlike the rest of the fawning girls, Lily was privileged to the knowledge that the height, the hair, and the elegance were all Black family traits. To everyone else they were the things that made him irresistible, but to Sirius they were just one more reminder of a family that had rejected him.

"You are perfect." She repeated the sentiment he had already bestowed upon her and because she knew he would shrug it off, she took his face in her hands running her thumb across a scar that marred his cheek. It was new and she hadn't even bothered to ask him where it came from. She knew there would be no satisfactory answer, but she had suspicions and they all accounted for the fact that Sirius was a good friend. Being a good friend, in Lily's opinion, was the greatest indication if someone was a good person. She leaned forward and kissed the scar slowly. "You are perfect because of this."

At some point the lazy drizzle had ceased and the only reminder of its appearance were the fat rain drops that slicked their skin. Even from its sunken position in the sky, the sun warmed their faces at the briefest touch.

He reached out to her, and instead of bringing her forward like she expected him to, he hooked his finger in the top button of her blouse and separated the moist material until he could push it off her shoulders.

She found herself unconsciously doing the same to his button-down, taking the time to enjoy his defined stomach with the pad of her hand making his breath catch in his throat.

"Merlin- Lily, I lov-." She stopped him with her lips on his and her hands running over his broad naked shoulders.

Lily doubted very much that this had anything to do with love. This was all about want. She _could _do this because she loved him, but she did it because she _wanted _him.

Her back hit a tree and she hadn't even realized they were moving. Her thoughts were wholly occupied with his soft lips running against hers and his tongue making contact with hers.

Sirius Black knew how to kiss. Long before they had been on kissing terms, Lily had noted that he had 'kissing' lips. She had been right.

As the lips in question left hers, she only had a second to feel their loss before his delightful tongue was flickering down her chest. He only took quick swipe at her taunt nipple above the fabric of her top and her head fell back against the tree and back involuntarily arched into him.

She would have been desperate against his teasing except she felt the effect she was having on him, his erection pressing into her where their bodies made contact. Flicking the buttons of his jeans she pulled them down slowly ducking out of his hold.

Teasingly she ran her soft hands from his calves to only inch past the fabric of his boxers. His cock jumped beneath the barrier and Lily grinned triumphantly.

Risking a quick look up from her grouched position, she found him using one arm to balance himself on the tree while the other had made its way to her scalp. His handsome face twisted with powerful lust: his eyes closed while forcefully biting his lower lip.

His eyes opened at her pause and they were dark and unfocused. The time had passed for teasing, she realized being pulled up and her skirt pushed down. Using the leverage she had as he undressed her, she pushed his boxers down as far as she could get them, which was to only about mid thigh, and took his thick length in her smaller hand.

At the contact he stopped all together and moaned deeply, his usually grey eyes focusing in on hers.

It was just for a moment though and as her hand settled into a rhythm; his actions grew nearly frantic trying to pull at her knickers.

She could barely utter "Knicker Rule" breathlessly before he settled for pushing them to the side and using his finger to work her up the same way she was doing to him.

He was the first to lose himself in a series of moans as he uselessly thrust his hips against her hand, while never losing pace with his fingers. After he'd ridden the last wave of pleasure, he took the challenge of making her forget her own name.

A task he spectacularly accomplished as she could only remember to call out his as she clenched around his fingers.

At some point darkness had made its cocoon around them and Lily shivered as they walked back to the castle despite the warming charm placed on their clothes and the arm Sirius draped around her.

"Knickers rule? Really Lily?" His eyes were lit with a teasing glint she knew too well.

She wondered if she would have blushed at his comment a year ago, but found it too difficult to take herself back to the person she had been. It was hard to be embarrassed about anything around him anymore.

They were too close.

She playfully pushed at his shoulder forcing his arm off her and back to his side. "I'm not a slag. A girl has got to have some morals even if she is dating Sirius Black."

He rolled his eyes, but this was a conversation they'd had a few couple hundred times and he didn't fancy another round.

She knew how he felt and she could understand his confusion at her rule that she never took off her under things, especially since she was perfectly content to let him shove them aside. He had reasoning on his side, but in the end it didn't change a thing. She had no reasoning, but the "Knicker Rule" wasn't going anywhere.

"Sirius, we've been looking all over for you!" Peter burst towards them when they were a few feet from the castle doors. James lagged behind him, but still had met them before Peter caught his breath.

Sirius cursed under his breath apparently needing no reminder as to what he'd let her distract him from. "Lily…"

It was an apology directed at her and not his friends, as he stepped away from her to stand between James and Peter.

The anxious look on Peter's face was the only explanation she was ever going to get, and she told herself sternly that he didn't need her to know. An errant irritation flicked through her mind at the thought that maybe _SHE needed_ to know.

"I'll see you lot tomorrow." She smiled widely to overcompensate for the betrayal of her thoughts. "You all have better finished your DADA essay by lunch. It's due even if you disagree with work on Saturdays."

Sirius and James were already distractedly inching away from her and after Peter had stuttered out a request for her to look over his, he was gone too.

Watching them head out into the darkness under the glaring full moon, Lily had to remind herself again that if they wanted her to know where they always got off to then they would tell her.

Unfortunately, tonight it wasn't enough to make her feel better.

She carried a dejected attitude all the way up to the Gryffindor Common Room letting it swish around her emotions in solitude.

Ignoring the essay Peter had left out on table for her to edit, she marched all the way up to her dorm with a wicked gleam of unfamiliar rebellion in her smile. Even if it was ridiculously petty, not helping Peter would be the closest she'd ever come to doing anything 'wrong.'

"I might stage an intervention for that smirk." Her feisty roommate greeted Lily when entered their room. "If there has ever been a sign of over exposure to the Marauders it's that naughty little smile on your face right now."

"Overdose of Sirius Black seems like an excellent way to go out, if you ask me." The third roommate added with a sigh. Evie's head hung off the side of her bed facing Lily while her long hair settled into a white pile on the floor. Despite the inappropriate comment about her boyfriend, Lily laughed when Evie winked coyly at her. The effect ruined by Evie's fair face which was beat red from her upside down position.

"Ignore her. Everyone knows she fancies Vance." Kat said flippantly resituating her body at the end of her bed eagerly. "What's with the naughty smile? Did you finally lose your knickers?"

Ignoring them Lily pulled off her damp shirt and skirt taking the time to pull suggestively at her Gryffindor gold knickers proving she still had them.

She fell back onto the bed enjoying the feel of her mostly bare skin on the warm fabric. "So Emmeline Vance is it? I thought you were back to boys this year."

"Connor Vance." Kat corrected with a giggle, even though it very well could have been Connor's sister that captured Evie's fancy.

Evie Lowsley was an honest-to-Merlin free spirit with wicked long blonde hair that Lily doubted had ever been cut, and a laissez-faire attitude about everything from sex and love to drugs and authority.

"They are twins though so maybe if it doesn't work out with him." The only brunette person in the room continued.

This caused a loud round of laughter from both Lily and Kat that Evie ignored, only a smile giving away her good humor as she braided her thick locks. "You've distracted yourself again, Kitty Kat. We still don't know what's got Lovely Lily in such a naughty mood."

For a moment Lily didn't know who to be more irritated at; Professor Slughorn for that atrocious nickname, or Evie for not only reminding Kat about Lily's peculiar mood but also herself.

No matter how uneasy she became about the Marauders behavior, Lily knew her guilty conscious would be worse. "Believe me, it's not the type of naughtiness you two would be interested in."

Whether they accepted this answer or not, Lily didn't hang around to find out heading down to the empty common room after dressing in her night clothes.

Peter's essay was exactly where she had marched past if earlier. A nice quill sat unnoticed by the parchment that he had obviously left as token of his appreciation. Feeling rather guilty she couldn't stop from reviewing the entire essay three times before she felt like it would definitely earn an O.

Peter could sure use it.

There would be no making it up the stairs tonight and she considered it quite an accomplishment that she stumbled to the nearest couch before passing out.

"You're pathetic."

It was to this statement that Lily's eyes jerked open.

Instantly she was alarmed by the unfamiliar surroundings, but even more so by the thick layer of malice that encased his words. She doubted she'd ever heard anything so potent directed at her.

Merlin, she'd only been sleeping!

James Potter stood before her in the still darkened common room though Lily guessed it was probably almost morning.

Undisguised anger penetrated her through his glare. When she continued to stare at him baffled, he spoke again seemingly even more disgusted by her innocence.

"Waiting up on him all night like a stupid little tart." He almost spat at her the words coming out in a rush of furry. "Never questioning where he gets off too. What a good little puppet you've become, Lovely Lily."

Her mouth… her mouth wouldn't seem to work so she used her legs instead, shooting up from the couch. He wasn't as tall as Sirius but their eyes were still uneven. The slight height difference didn't make her doubt he could read every inch of shock she was experiencing through the green orbs though.

"Don't call me that." Out of all the things he said, she had no idea why that stupid nickname was what earned a reply, but it was out of her mouth before she even really thought about it.

When he laughed it wasn't the full laugh she'd heard before.

It was bitter.

It was belittling.

It was hatred.

Again her body reacted without her full consent and her hand burned from the contact. She stared at her reddened palm puzzled. His cease of laughter didn't register until James took her hand and began to study it the same way she had.

She had slapped him. This seemed to be the most shocking exchange of all to the girl who only knew of love. Lily could positively point this moment out as the first time she had ever been physically violent because of anger.

She desperately looked to him hoping to find gravity as her world flipped upside down.

She found no solace though; his attention enraptured by the hand that had just bruised is face.

He brought her palm so close she could feel his tingling breathe on the hot skin.

What the bloody hell was going on?

Distracted she missed his hazel eyes dart to hers as he laid his burning lips to the irritated skin.

"Pathetic." He repeated and then he was gone.

When she awoke in her bed the next morning with no memory of wandering up from the common room, she could almost convince herself it was a dream.

_Almost._

The whole perplexing interaction seemed to enthrall her muddled mind and the more she thought about it the angrier she felt.

She'd always known James did not care for her, but calling her a tart was way over the line of subtle dislike. His words hadn't even made sense. Along with calling her a tart and a puppet, he'd insulted her for not questioning Sirius' behavior which happened to be the _EXACT_ same behavior James exhibited.

Their fourth roommate, Marley, was now safely tucked in her bed and since Lily hadn't seen her pass in the common room it could be assumed that Marley had been in the fifth year's dorm. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence; in fact Lily would bet that she spent more time with the other girls of Gryffindor than her three muggleborn roommates.

Marley McKinnon was a pureblood from one of the most powerful magical families, while Kat, Lily, and Evie had all been plucked from their perfectly muggle childhoods and thrust into the exciting and sometimes frightening Wizarding World.

In the dark times they lived in, Marley's behavior might have caused suspicion except anyone who knew anything about the McKinnon family was well aware where their loyalties held. They were some of the strongest voices against you-know-who and more than once Lily had heard Marley defend them against Slytherins who never missed an opportunity to insult their heritage.

However as polite and brave as Marley was, it didn't reach across the cultural boundaries. The missed references and lack of common ground resulted in her friendship leaning to Honor Simmons who was a Ravenclaw from their year and also a halfblood. A year later she made friends with Emmeline Vance, a pureblood Gryffindor and the younger girl's dorm mates.

A few Slytherins, offended by the McKinnon's preferences, liked to whisper nasty things about the real reason Marley didn't hang around with the other girls of her dorm.

In their third year Kat had cursed a boy so severely he was in the hospital three days when she'd heard him gossiping that the three of them didn't want to be friends with Marley because she was fat and ugly. It was a lie, of course. Attractiveness had nothing to do with it and Lily thought their smallest roommate was fine looking anyways.

She was the shortest of anyone in their year, but not much more so than Kat. She had curly blonde hair that she always kept short, and while she wasn't a broomstick like Evie she certainly wasn't fat. She had a certain thickness factor, but it contributed nicely to her play as a Chaser for the house team.

Finishing getting ready for the day with the messiest bun she'd ever constructed, Lily stumbled down to the Great Hall a yawn catching her every few steps.

Between over reviewing Peter's essay and James 'Psycho' Potter's outburst, she'd only gotten around three hours of sleep and Lily had not ever been the type of person who could function that way.

Somehow instead of eating her porridge she became fascinated by the texture, staring into the colorless food until her eyelids fought against her with every blink.

"Quidditch today!" Kat informed cheerfully shaking a startled Lily as she plopped down beside her. "Oh sorry, Lovely, did I wake you?"

Lily bit back a growl at her petite dorm mate's mischievous smile. Instead of replying she used her remaining strength to shove her food away in favor of forming a nice cradle for her head with her arms on the table.

"Late night?" Marley joined them now with Vance in tow. "Should've known better than to pull an all-nighter before the last Quidditch match of the year."

The tables began filling up and an excited buzz intoxicated everyone it seemed but Lily. By the time Evie showed up, Lily had decided she did not care who won the cup even if it had come down to Slytherin and Gryffindor's match today- she was skipping it in favor of a pillow.

"You prats ready to see me and Prongs make a bunch of snake's cry?" The Marauders finally had made their appearance with Sirius leading the way.

Honor Simmons, who sat at the Gryffindor table occasionally despite her Ravenclaw affiliation, smiled sweetly at the lot of them and scooted down to make room before correcting Sirius. "Don't forget Marley. It might be kind of hard to win short a Chaser."

Sirius agreed taking a spot beside Marley and ruffling her hair until the tight curls started to frizz.

"Want me to fix it?" Evie motioned towards the frizzed ends.

At her nod Evie waved her wand and fired off a spell before Kat could stop her.

"Wow, thanks, Ev!" She exclaimed fingering the newly perfect curls. "I don't even know that spell."

Kat sighed regretfully. "That's because there isn't one. It's just Evie's experimentation with a simple curling charm which is why the tips of your hair are now pink."

"Oops." Evie looked properly guilty under Kat's hard glare. "Sorry Marley. I thought I had fixed that."

The girls launched into a conversation as they all suggested ideas of how to get her hair back to its normal soft yellow- all unsuccessful, while Lily assumed the boys were inhaling mass amounts of carbohydrates in preparation for the day's events.

She had to assume because with her head still on the table she'd drifted off to a sort of half state of consciousness.

"Any ideas as to why my girlfriend is having a lie-in on the breakfast table?" Sirius asked the group with the nonchalance of requesting the weather.

"I was up late with homework." This was a statement she wanted to make with her chin up while very pointedly _not_ looking a James Potter. "I drifted off in the common room, but unfortunately I didn't get a lot of sleep. The couches aren't exactly made to stretch out on plus some rather obnoxious noise woke me up."

Peter shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I didn't mean to put you out. You shouldn't have gone to any trouble."

Now Lily felt horrible. She was trying to make James feel like a berk and instead she'd made Peter feel guilty. James, on the other hand, was shoving biscuits down his throat and grinning with his stupid bloody dimples at Honor and Emmeline acting like he hadn't nearly assaulted her the night before.

"No, Peter, I swear it was no trouble at all." She gave him her warmest smile. "I was up late working on a special project for Charms. Your essay didn't take long at all! -Very well written."

Sirius gave her a doubtful look, but Peter beamed with pride.

Breakfast ended and somehow Lily found herself being dragged off to the pitch instead of her warm bed, but she knew Sirius would want her there and that made it more bearable. Thankfully the match was so exciting she didn't even have to struggle to stay on her feet as she screamed encouragement to all the Gryffindor players (well except James Potter.)

"You were quite brilliant today." Lily told Sirius during the ritual victory celebration later that night. "Have I ever told you just how sexy I find Quidditch uniforms?"

"Lovely, why do you think I still have mine on?" He raised a dark eyebrow at her.

As her laughter filled the space around them, Lily thought her heart might burst it felt so full. They swayed exactly to the tune of the wireless for Sirius's impeccable upbringing also came with dance lessons it seemed. Lily would be the first to admit that she was a truly terrible dancer and at the moment her limbs felt like a weight charm had been placed on them she was so tired, but it was nice.

"Let's get a picture of the team that walloped Slytherin and won us the Cup!" A faceless student called out.

The idea was met with such enthusiasm that Lily found herself being shoved a bit as people were dragging Sirius away. She ended up on the couch watching the team line up: Sirius and the other beater, Devon Buttons, to the right with the Keeper, Charlie Taylor, and the other Chaser, Christos Savalas, to the left. Marley and the tiny blonde seeker, Ruby Greene, stood in front without even having to crouch because of their tiny stature. James Potter, Captain and Chaser, stood in the dead middle of them all.

Lily thought to herself that she might like to have a copy of the photo, but decided against it. She knew the only thing she'd see when she looked at the photo even years from now would be James. She didn't know what it was, but he seemed to overpower them all.

She closed her eyes because she didn't need to see to know that James Potter and _his eyes _would be staring at her now and for eternity in that picture.

And just like it had been doing all day, the palm of her right hand itched at the thought of him right where he'd placed his lips the night before.

No, that wasn't right. He hadn't _placed_ his lips.

He had kissed her.

She rubbed the itching hand on the material of the couch hoping to ease the discomfort.

It didn't.

Somehow she knew it would be a long time, if ever, that the itching ceased.


	3. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**

**The Great Revelation**

It felt very strange that sixth year was over.

Next year would be Lily's last at Hogwarts and even though she had accomplished some impressive things in her six years, somehow it felt like there was more to be done. Not necessarily academically, but on a more personal basis. Something she had fought a long time to cover up was working its way up to the surface.

It was this self reflection that had brought Lily to the Great Hall at dawn.

It was a secret tradition that began the end of her first year when she'd found that the doors were always unlocked. So it came to be that every year on the morning before the train ushered them home that Lily snuck down before the sun rose and contemplated…well- whatever needed to be contemplated.

In first year it had been whether Petunia would speak to her again now that they were back living together. In second she had worried about Remus and his sad eyes, while in third her consideration had focused on the Marauders' unhealthy immaturity. Her fourth was spent coming up with plans to stop her friendship from dwindling with Sev, and in her fifth she had just wept over her parents' death.

This year, however, Lily could think of nothing but herself.

With nothing but cold stone beneath her, she stared at the expansive ceiling from where she calculated was the dead center of the room.

Lily had put a lot of effort into everyone in her life.

It had occurred to her at a very young age that she was a relatively happy person- or at least it didn't take a lot to make her happy. Other people, much to her dismay, seemed to struggle with happiness. So when her sister had broken her toy and cried for hours, it seemed very easy for Lily to give Petunia her own as a replacement, and when Petunia was miserable that Lily was different, it had been simple to act as if she were not.

_Pathetic _

James' words which had seemed so off the mark, struck her like a bull's-eye.

A million examples came to mind at the word.

She thought of her parents staring lovingly at one another, while she told Petunia over and over that she loved her, just because her parents always forgot to remind them.

She could see Severus making fun of muggles and in the process, however unintentionally, her family, while she forgave him again and again because he just didn't know any better. Even now that she had tried to cut off the relationship she still sent him a birthday present every year.

She felt sick thinking about Sirius. She saw him slipping away from her night after night with no explanation. She wasn't even allowed to wonder. He didn't know anything about her, except she was pretty and knew how to kiss. Whispering to her how perfect she was, when what he meant was she had perfect breast and how perfectly enviously other boys stared at him.

She saw herself writing letter after letter to her dorm mates during the holiday while they were too distracted to reply. When Kat's one and only boyfriend had broken it off with her Lily had sat up with her all night while she cried and she'd been so tired the next morning she'd missed a Prefect meeting and gotten scolded by McGonagall.

Evie was always forgetting to write her essays and when Professor Flitwick had threatened to hold her back a year, Lily had given Evie her own. Lily had gotten her first- and only- detention for failure to do her work.

When she cried at night, her dorm mates never asked why. If she slept late, they forgot to wake her up. They never offered, if Lily needed something.

The thoughts and memories bombarded her. James Potter, and his ever present stare, had seen her for who she truly was, when she'd been too busy 'seeing' everyone else.

Lily _was_ pathetic.

She just had to figure out what that meant for the future.

She was lost in deep thought for hours, managing to avoid the Marauders and her friends for the rest of the morning and the entire ride back to London.

The problem was as much as she thought about her revelation and all the ways it seemed to be true, she couldn't seem to process changing at all. Sure, she had somehow lost her easy happiness by giving it all away, but wouldn't it be worse if she was all alone. She had given up Severus.

No- she was lying again.

Severus had given up on _her. _He had chosen darkness and hate, but the worst part was she could see now that she hadn't given him up at all. He was still in her heart crushing her with every 'mudblood' joke she overheard and every cruel sneer.

She held them all in her heart altering anything she could about herself to make it easier for them to love her. It seemed she had changed so much that she had forgotten how to love herself somewhere along the way.

For all this thinking and pondering, Lily still had come to the same conclusion as the Hogwarts Express pulled into the station.

It could be so much worse. If she quit now then she'd lose everything. She would be alone and unloved, and there was no way that would make her happy anyhow.

"There are you are, Lovely!" Sirius spotted her as she pulled her baggage off the train. Happy reunions exploded all around them like fireworks. "What've you been up to?"

"I got to the train early and fell asleep. I figured you lot would wake me up." She lied struggling to smile.

He didn't seem to notice. As he whistled goodbyes to other students, Lily suspected he wasn't even listening. "Okay, well I'm off to the Potter's! I'll miss you. I'll owl you tomorrow."

He kissed her distractedly and turned to jog off. "You can't owl me, Sirius…"

She had his attention now. She was going to snap at him for his behavior. She didn't deserve to be treated this way. She had wanted to be alone on the train, but she was still hurt that no one had even come to look for her. They hadn't even missed her.

"Try muggle post. My sister would go nutters if a big owl was patrolling the house." She couldn't do it. She needed Sirius to love her and if this was the only way he knew how then it would have to do. She was being ridiculously sensitive anyways.

Oblivious to her inner struggle, he laughed nodding to her request and muttering about 'silly muggles' as he disappeared.

"Lily!" A voice called from the thick crowd as she made her way into the muggle section of the platform. "Lily, wait!"

No one was supposed to be meeting her in the station. Her instructions were to wait outside for an unidentified ride and per Petunia wishes "for God's sake, where something normal!"

She stopped to wait in the bustling crowd for whoever it was to find her looking around curiously, but it was impossible to see through the bodies that shuffled against her. The voice sounded again and she saw a flash of black hair behind a family of gingers.

Lily felt silly happiness well up inside of her and for a horrified moment as she made her way over to a less busy area, she felt her eyes sting in a way she'd become familiar with in her fifth year.

Someone was making an effort to seek her out to say goodbye. For the first time that day, Lily didn't feel pathetic at all.

Finally shoving a man twice her size out of the way, Kat stood before Lily. The fringe that was usually swept to the side of her face hung low over her eyes from the aggression of her pursuit. "Where have you been all day? You weren't even going to say goodbye?"

She wanted to tell Kat about her horrible feelings so badly that the words formed a lump in her throat the size of a snitch. She coughed helplessly against it and blinked rapidly trying to clear her eyes.

She was being ridiculous.

That was exactly what Kat would say to her about the whole thing. Suddenly it all did seem rather ridiculous. "It's only two days, Kat. I'll be taking the Knight Bus over to your place tomorrow night after the wedding. Don't forget to thank your parents again for letting me stay while Petunia is on her honeymoon."

Kat's big blue eyes looked uncertainly up at her and Lily thought she had never looked more like a little girl. Kat's quick wit and inappropriately hilarious comments made her seem larger than life in Lily's eyes, but Kat was truly very tiny. Slightly taller than Marley, but she was unnaturally petite. "I have terrible news!"

"What?" A rising panic set in her gut hoping Kat's mother and father were okay.

"My mother's stupid spawn came two weeks early!" For Kat who had been an only child her entire life, the news that her mother was pregnant sixteen entire years after her first child, had been unbelievable. Kat had thrashed around for weeks after she'd found out about the pregnancy in October, and for a month after she'd found out it was a girl.

"Is the baby alright?"

"Perfectly healthy." Kat allowed grudgingly. "Everyone's so thrilled."

"But Kat why is that terri-….oh." The baby was here. There would be no energy for Lily. She was glad when the stinging did not return, but something scarier took its place instead. A numbness crept into her, unlike anything she had ever felt. "It's not terrible at all. I completely understand. Give your new sister a kiss from me and be sure to wish your parents well."

"You have somewhere else, right?" Kat still looked uncomfortable. She didn't want a guilty conscience.

"Of course!" Lily was quick to shoo away the pity on her friend's face. She was perfectly aware that her traitorous eyes betrayed her lie, but she didn't want Kat to feel pity for her. "I'll just stay at my sister's flat. It'll be nice to have some alone time while Petunia is away."

Kat gave her friend a grateful hug and hurried off to a tired looking man, Lily knew was her father.

She refused to think about it now.

Whoever was here to escort her home was probably furious and Lily jogged as quickly as she could manage while dragging her trunk to the pick-up line.

An obnoxious horn blew from the parking lot across the street and Lily instantly recognized the neutral colored car that belonged to Vernon's sister, Marjorie. Lily had never met the woman, but ridden in her car a few times last summer while work had been being done to Vernon's own automobile.

She paused seeing a woman she didn't recognize behind the wheel and at that moment a large truck went by soaking Lily's back with brown puddle water.

Staring at Lily through narrowed beady eyes, the woman honked again apparently signaling she was indeed Lily's ride.

"..'er..hello." Lily said awkwardly pulling open the passenger door, but unwilling to sit on the nice leather with her soaking jeans and ruined shirt. A nice shirt that she'd taken pains picking out to impress Petunia with her muggle fashion sense, Lily thought bitterly. If she were allowed to do magic then there really wouldn't be a problem at all. "I seem to be a bit wet."

"Just get in already!" The woman had thin hair and an overwhelming nose. Lily couldn't decide if her mouth was actually abnormally small or it just appeared that way in contrast with the rest of her large facial features. "I've been waiting for hours, my only instructions to pick up a ginger!"

"Oh…very sorry!" Lily said sincerely though she was sure 'hours' was an exaggeration. "You must be Marge! I've heard a lot about you even though we've never been formally introduced. I'm Lily Evans."

She scoffed at Lily unattractively while pulling the large vehicle onto the road with little ease. "I'm second cousin Bernice, and a bit of a tip- no one is allowed to call her Marge, but the people she likes. She'll certainly be Marjorie to you. Or even better Ms. Dursley."

Apparently the only thing more unpleasant about this woman than her face was her personality. She was sure she wasn't calling anyone 'Ms.' that was less than ten years older that her. "Where are we going? This isn't the way to Petunia's flat."

"Of course not. We're going to Marge's country house. It's where the wedding is being held. Don't you know anything?" For only the second time since Lily had entered the car second cousin Bernice looked at Lily. "Are you sure you're Petunia's sister? You don't favor in the least."

Lily was a beat away from explaining that Petunia had their mother's blonde hair and favored their father in the face, while Lily had her grandmother's red hair, mother's curls, and father's eyes.

"She definitely didn't mention anything about you being pretty." Bernice grumbled along. She said 'pretty' in a way that sounded more like 'deformed.' As if being attractive was an oddity in itself.

Lily thought that if they thought her mere appearance was questionable then they definitely wouldn't be pleased with her extra-curricular activities.

The numb made a nice little cocoon for comments to bounce off of and Lily found herself thinking of nothing but the scenery the rest of the drive.

Marjorie's house was very nice. The large frame was complimented by big windows capped with darling light blue shutters, and the miles of land that stretched monotonously were broken up by small scatterings of flowers and shrubberies.

If Marjorie was anything like her house, then Lily decided she would like her very much. It was beautiful and the perfect place to be married.

"Where are you going?" Lily was confused to see Bernice getting ready to pull away after Lily had single handily pulled her trunk from the car.

The second cousin rolled her eyes in a natural way that let Lily know she had already decided that Lily was useless. "To the rehearsal dinner, of course, with the rest of the family."

Lily would have liked to point out that she was family too. "What am I supposed to do?"

Bernice shrugged and hit the gas leaving a cloud of dust behind for Lily to inhale.

The house was unlocked allowing Lily to let herself inside. She had a bit of a look around and only screamed out once when sudden ferocious barking filled the house. Peaking out the window Lily noted several scary looking dogs in pins out back. She also spotted a beautiful set up of elegant white chairs facing a magnificent wooden archway. It was where Lily would become the only Evans left.

A sad sigh broke through the numb at the thought, but it was easy to push away distracting herself when she found a room that she decided was meant to be hers.

It was one of the smallest she'd seen.

The room was only big enough for two twin beds that were accessorized by a bedside cabinet wedged between them. There was also a dress hanging on the door with "Lily" scrawled on the tag.

For a moment Lily was pleased thinking Petunia had changed her mind about Lily being in the wedding, but much smaller writing she had missed on the flipside, corrected her.

_Just wanted you to look nice and normal. –P _

Funny that Petunia had insisted Lily couldn't be a bridesmaid because it would be too much trouble to get her fitted, but she'd picked out a dress in just her size.

Without even looking at what Petunia had deemed 'nice and normal' she fell onto the nearest bed fully clothed and still moist.

And even though the setting sun was shining right on her face and her legs hung off the end of the small bed uncomfortably, Lily gratefully excepted sleep as it came to her.

"LILY!" It was the second time she been jolted unpleasantly awake recently and she decided she was going to start sleeping less if it caused so much trouble.

Her sister stood in the doorway to the room which was once again filled with sunlight. The hard unmoving sleep made her muscles stiff as she got up to greet Petunia.

The bride stopped the hug before it began with a wave at her hair and makeup, which were already done and apparently not to be shaken with pleasantries.

"You're going to ruin the wedding!" She shrieked at Lily accusingly. "You're not even dressed!"

"Oh…" Lily was a bit behind it seemed, but she hadn't intended to sleep through night. "I'm sor-."

Petunia cut her off again rushing out of the room exclaiming how she "just can't handle this right now."

An hour later when Lily was finally seated on the front row where her parents should have sat, she took the time to be embarrassed about her appearance.

She'd rushed through a cold shower (the hot had been used up hours ago), before pulling her hair into damp ponytail. She didn't have on a dab of makeup which normally wouldn't bother her, but she would have liked to look nice for Petunia.

The worst however was the dress. It was the color of pale skin with thick straps that overwhelmed her petite shoulders. It was too small in the chest while somehow swallowing her figure with its thick unforgivable material that hung to her shins.

The entire ceremony felt odd and distant, like she was the date of a distant cousin instead of the sister of the bride. She tried to approach Petunia a few times at the reception, but the bride was busy with pictures and her new family.

Finally just before it was time for the car to take them away, she spotted Petunia ducking into a bathroom.

"Oh." Petunia said when she entered like she was shocked to see Lily in attendance at all. "Hello."

"You looked really beautiful today, Tuny." Lily found it very easy to smile for the first time in two days.

Her older sister allowed a small grin at the compliment. "Can you unzip me?"

They set out in the task of getting off the frilly white dress and getting her into the traveling clothes without messing up her hair or makeup.

"Turns out I'm going to need to stay at your flat after all." Lily said gently placing the gown on a hanger and trying to sound nonchalant with her confession.

"What are you talking about? What flat?" Petunia sounded appropriately puzzled as she touched up her face in the mirror. "I told you months ago I got out of the lease when Vernon got his promotion. It'd be silly to have a flat in London while I'm living in Sweden!"

"Sweden?" The last time she'd gotten a letter from Petunia it had only given her information about the wedding's date. "When are you going to Sweden?"

Petunia sighed exasperated by her odd sister. "Do you even read my letters? Vernon got an assignment to start up a plant in Sweden. We're headed there after the honeymoon and we'll be there for ten months. As I explained in my letter, you needed to find other living arrangements for the summer because the flat provided is one bedroom. I told you to let me know if you couldn't find someone to take you so I could do it myself."

Her face was turning an odd red color that Lily immediately identified as trouble. The truth was that since Lily and Petunia only communicated via muggle post, the letters took an incredible long time to reach either way.

"I never heard from you again so I assumed you were staying with one of your-." She made a disgusted face. "…friends."

"Oh."

Petunia stopped pulling on her shoes and looked desperately at Lily. "This isn't going to be a problem is it?"

She couldn't do it. It wasn't fair to be sad on your wedding day, even if you do treat your sister badly.

Lily gave her sister the only wedding present she could. "Definitely not. I'll just let the Cooper's know that I'll be having a bit of an extended stay. They'll be thrilled."

Quicker than Lily could comprehend the newlyweds were gone in a spray of birdseed and she sat alone on her trunk by the road. People had cleared out so fast that she would have suspected magic if she didn't know any better.

Someone was kind enough to leave her trunk outside and when Lily tried the door it was locked.

_Pathetic _

A burst of something terrible was ripping at the numb in her chest. She could do nothing as it rushed forward except wait for it to envelope her. She couldn't imagine the ominous title wave would spare anything in its path.

Only when she opened her mouth to let it escape, laughter bubbled out in great heaving currents.

She had never laughed like this before. It was loud and unashamed. Her humorless mirth scratched her throat raw and made her eyes burn with unshed tears.

The outside light of the house flicked off and plunged her into complete darkness, but that only made her laugh harder.

Nothing was funny.

_Pathetic_

She certainly wasn't laughing with herself. She had become this person who deserved to be laughed at for her pathetic-ness.

She knew she was going to have to call the Knight Bus, but the problem was where it would take her.

Some time had passed and eventually the air was silent except for rebellious crickets and mumbling owls.

Being homeless was a terrible feeling, Lily decided- maybe the worst. She giggled again.

Her parents' house had burned down with both of them inside.

Her sister had no room for Lily in her new life.

She couldn't go to Kat's.

Marley's house was under so much protection that she doubted even the Minister of Magic knew its location.

Evie and her family spent summers overseas.

Sirius lived at the Potters' and that wasn't even an option. Not only because James would surely throw her out, but also because she couldn't stand his eyes to be on her knowing just how truly pathetic she had become.

Jingling the little bit of magical money she possessed, she held out her wand having made her decision.

A short jump later Lily felt sick handing over money to the driver for such a quick trip, but it was done.

It was past midnight when she entered the Leaky Cauldron and she was shocked to see the usual barman, Tom, working. When did he sleep?

After a bit of haggling Lily reserved a room for the night and became painfully aware that she would be out of money within the week.

Her family had lived comfortably with the support of both her parents' jobs, but they hadn't made any arrangements for after death. It had happened rather unexpectedly. Her parents had used a decent bit of savings setting up Petunia in London, viewing it as an investment, but they weren't here to collect. All that was left was spent on the funeral, Petunia's wedding, and Lily's school books for last term.

It wasn't until she was without money that she could completely appreciate just how expensive it is to simply survive.

She had spent last summer in London with Petunia, who made decent money, but not enough to support them both, so Lily had gotten a job at a muggle café. She was counting on that experience to help her land a job now.

She had one week, maybe less, before…. that was the worst part. She had no idea what happened after that.

Four days passed and not only had she not found a job, but she was so lonely she'd taken to sitting at the bar just to be around other humans. Well- the term 'humans' is slightly misleading, a good deal of the regulars were little more than scum, but a few of them could be rather charming in their belligerent states.

There weren't many young patrons to the bar, but every once in a while she spotted someone who could've passed for a Hogwarts' student. Women of any age seemed to stay home completely or at least socialize elsewhere as Lily hadn't spotted any of her gender.

"Hey, Pepper?" Tom called in her direction on her fourth night at the bar.

Lily was sitting alone, even though she was sure a group of younger men that seemed to be growing every night were about to invite her over.

After a moment of Tom looking directly at her she realized that she was 'Pepper.'

"Er…yes?"

He stared at her calculatingly while his hands busied themselves wiping out glasses. "You got money for your room tonight?"

She nodded. There was exactly enough money for one last night before she was literally put out on the street.

"You renting for the summer?" His gruff voice was pointed towards her, but his gaze focused on the group of men Lily had considered making conversation with.

"No." Chances were she'd be begging for mercy at the Potter household. Maybe they'd give her work as a maid as humiliating as that would be. She was out of options. "I was trying to find a job, but I've had no luck."

Tom's eyes never left the pub behind her and in a bottle's reflection she saw a man that she'd spoken with the night before enter with an entourage of other young wizards. "A job?"

"Well, yes. I've got some experience in the restaurant industry, but no one is hiring."

"Know anything about working at a pub?" His eyes shifted to hers. They were a nice blue color that contrasted his coarse exterior.

"Only what I've seen here." She admitted honestly. It had been the wrong thing to admit because Tom turned away from her, the curious glint in his eyes extinguished.

Everything in her screamed to admit defeat- that it was over and she would either go sleep on a bench or drag her bum to James Potter's house like the pathetic wimp she was, but the vigor of survival kicked in. "But I'm dead clever…and quick. Most everyone here orders firewhiskey or butterbeer anyways and if they want something else I'll figure it out-."

He tried to cut her off and she was sure he was going to tell her this wasn't enough, so she prattled on with intensity.

"-If I can't… you can take it out of my wages! I'll work whatever hours and I know that sounds nice to you because you're always here. I'll work hard and I'm-."

"Pepper, you're of age, correct?" He succeeded in cutting her off this time. When she nodded he continued. "You will do all those things, and you'll be nice to the customers. They like you and that pretty face of yours seems to be good for business. Don't mess up."

"What about renting a room for the summer? Could you take that out of my wages?" The battle was only half won, and her newly acquired fire was fueled by her determination.

When he laughed, Lily could hear the wheezing from all the way down in his lungs. "You won't be making near enough for that."

At his belittling laughter, Lily felt the unfamiliar fire spark into an inferno. Her glare struck him and if he'd given her a second longer, she was sure she would have exploded with indignation.

Tom must have had at least a little experience with angry young witches because he immediately replaced his ugly grin with a look of defeat.

He sighed running his hands over his bald head in a worried way. "I'll give you two nights after tonight, but you're cleaning up after yourself. In fact, you're cleaning up the whole floor as your payment."

"Excellent." She gave him a steady smile. "Know anywhere that rents flats for cheap?"

He grumbled walking away. Apparently that was something Lily was going to have to do on her own.

The next day was spent mirroring Tom until lunch and then heading out into Diagon Alley in search of a flat until dark.

There weren't many options to begin with so when Lily factored in her lack of funds it was nearly impossible. People weren't exactly tripping over themselves to rent to a seventeen year old Hogwarts' student who would only need a lease for two months either.

She'd walked up the entire alley so many times that the elderly witch selling charmed roses knew Lily by name.

As she passed a manky pet store for the third time she was once again amazed at the sheer noise it produced.

Kittens of all colors and sizes purred against each other in the left window display while a strange collection of birds, owls, and what appeared to be miniature eagles called out from the right.

It was the only pet store Lily knew of and she was surprised it was so run down.

The menagerie had a reputation for producing the most excellent pets, especially owls, but the old shabby two story building slanted severely to the left and looked ready to collapse.

Just above the red awning where green letters proudly proclaimed "Magical Menagerie" there were two small windows. Just hidden behind the first giant "a" was an ancient looking sign that read "FOR RENT."

Bursting into the store she darted the aisles until she came face to-_well_-chest with a very short man. He didn't look old, but she had learned when it came to wizards you could never really tell.

Lily was nearly bouncing with anticipation. "How much?"

His thin spectacles reminded her of James' so much that her palm itched and she edged it along her jeans in the now familiar way.

The man chuckled. He had a lot of experience with excited girls when they spotted a pink kitten they just _had to have_. "So what'll it be? A kitten or maybe a puffskein?"

Annoyed Lily shook her head. "The flat upstairs."

"The loft?" Looking disgruntled at the loss of a sale he brushed past her to the counter. "You don't want it."

"No! I want it very much. I have a job. I can pay." She pleaded.

"Well I would hope you didn't expect it to be free." He laughed. "Although, it practically rents for pocket change."

A frustrated sigh escaped her. "Excellent. I'll take it."

"Sure, you will now, but what about in a week when the noise is so bad you can't sleep? If you think this ruckus is unbearable then you should hear them at night when I'm not here to quiet them. Spells and charms won't help either." He gestured to the hundreds of cages that lined every wall fitting together like puzzle pieces. "Not to mention the place is a dump and I'm not keen on fixing it up. I've gone through enough tenants to know I'll be listening to complaining more than the money is worth. I would take the sign down, except I don't have the energy to dig through the dust up there anymore."

"As terrible as that sounds…" She nearly choked as she tried to force out her next words. "I don't have anywhere else to go."

Lily never imagined this would be her reality.

"I'm Mr. Price." She shook the hand he offered to her. "You don't look old enough to need a flat. Haven't runaway, I hope?"

"More like everyone else ran away from me." It was her intent that the statement come across as a joke, but no smile was bright enough to convince Mr. Price, or even Lily, of it. "I'm seventeen and you can call me Ms. Evans."

"Are you a woman of your word, Ms. Evans?"

"I'm a Gryffindor." To Lily this was the strongest supporting statement she could make.

A broad grin illuminated his clean shaven face. "So was my brother but it never stops him from borrowing gold he can't manage to pay back."

"Yes, but I'm a good Gryffindor." She mirrored his grin. "I'm a woman of my word."

"Very well then, return tomorrow with your things and we'll have a go. If you're interested, I'd be willing to cut the charge in half if you'd do the morning feedings for the animals. I've been procrastinating hiring help, but the hours are a pain."

She agreed stopping herself from kissing him right on the mouth in a fit of happiness. It was really a miracle she made it down the street before a victory squeal overtook her.

Somehow this reality that Lily had never imagined for herself became home.

Life became a familiar repetition.

When she finished training under Tom at the bar, he'd past the night shift to her. Working from seven pm to seven am wasn't nearly as terrible as she'd imagined and this way she avoided trying to sleep through the extreme of the noise at the menagerie.

It turned out that her first assessment of Tom being the lone worker was false. He had the assistance of a house elf, another bartender who worked sparingly, a maid, and a cook, who Lily had never actually seen but heard grumbling around in the back room. If someone ordered food her job was to write it out on the pad given to her and then let magic do the rest as the meal appeared in front of customer after a suitable about of time.

When she got off in the mornings she'd make her way home, often stopping to talk to shop owners as they unlocked their doors or vendors who offered pleasantries.

Feeding all of the animals was stressful, but it was hard not to think that the kittens were adorable or appreciate the beautiful charmed fish.

She'd taken a fancy to a miniature turtle. He was slightly bigger than a Galleon and his shell was the most astonishing emerald green. All the others had been sold, but as the runt he would get no bigger and people wouldn't buy him because they were nervous he would get lost or squished.

Lily had to admit both were very valid points. It didn't stop her from naming him Harvey (Mr. Price disapproved warning her about getting too attached) and being constantly charmed by his spirit.

Harvey was consistently alternating between diving into his slight pond of water and lounging under his magically simulated sun.

She had giggled for a week when she'd realized Harvey reminded her of Sirius.

It took about an hour to feed all the creatures and then she would stumble up the inside steps to her flat. There was another entrance off to the side of the building that Lily used as well but it was a tight squeeze.

She had learned to appreciate the space, but it was less of a flat and more like a decently sized room where she slept and washed. She could admit it wasn't much to look at with exposed bricks on every wall and squeaky wooden floor.

But somehow it was home.

The toilet and stained bath sat in the corner without a hint of privacy and there was only one sink on the opposite wall. Lily supposed it was the designated kitchen area even though it only consisted of the tall sink with a slab of counter distended on each side. There was no cupboard or wardrobe so she lived out of her school trunk.

The previous renter had left behind a mattress and after about a hundred cleaning spells and a heavy quilt, it was where Lily collapsed every day. She would settle into a deep slumber until it was time to dress and do it all again the next night.

In an odd way, Lily loved this reality.

It was separate from the rest of her life. In her other life she had an identity that she'd outgrown or maybe hadn't ever fit into at all, but either way she wasn't happy. Here she was Pepper or Ms. Evans. She could be whoever she wanted to be.

Soon it was July and she hadn't run into a single person she knew.

It probably had something to do with the fact she worked the night shift while all her peers passed through during the day. Plus her friends were much more likely to go to The Three Broomsticks or some other Hogsmeade haunt if- on the off chance- they needed a drink.

She wasn't avoiding them.

She just wouldn't know what to say and she certainly didn't want them pitying her. They didn't seem to be missing her anyways as she hadn't received a single letter from the lot.

"Pepper," The man she'd already been serving motioned her over at the beginning of her shift at The Leaky Cauldron. He couldn't have been older than mid-twenties which was relatively young to be a regular. "I'll take another."

She didn't know exactly how the nickname had become so widespread, but she was 'Pepper' now to all the customers of the pub.

She fixed him the same shot of firewhiskey straight that she had the first time. He threw back the shot a lot easier than Lily could.

She was getting better with wizard alcohol especially under Tom's "No Shot Left Untaken" rule which meant if someone buys you a drink then you drink it, but she couldn't stop the hacking cough or the unpleasant face yet.

It was a slow night and Lily's eyes crept back to the attractive stranger. He matched a lot of the patrons in the rough category, but it wasn't because his clothes were dirty or face unshaven.

It was a vibe.

The scar didn't help either.

Damaged skin ran from his temple all the down his defined jaw line, but Lily didn't think it subtracted from his looks at all. His dirty blonde hair was cut short in a convenient way that allowed him to run out of the house without glancing in a mirror and be positive he looked dashing.

"Pepper, if you keep staring at me like that I'm going to get the wrong idea."

She was more impressed that he'd caught her than embarrassed by her actions. "You're kind of young to be hanging around here."

"I could say the same for you." He fired back gesturing for Lily to get him another drink.

He had a point and she smiled at his quick words. "I haven't seen you around before."

"I could say the same for you." He repeated immediately adding a smirk. "I've been off fighting the good fight. What about you, Pepper? Can't say I've ever known Tom to hire help, especially not pretty redheads."

She liked the easy way he spoke. He didn't rush or mumble like most people so everything came out in a relaxed drawl. He was confidence personified.

"The good fight?" She quirked her eyebrow at him intrigued.

He chuckled. "That isn't how it works. I answered one of yours now you answer one of mine."

"I'm of age." She was proud to return his vague answer with one of her own. He had noted her youth and she had honestly supplied information that she was at least seventeen.

Raising his shot to her in mock salute before tossing it back she wondered how he wasn't drunk yet. She'd seen bigger wizards pass out from a lot less. "I'm an Auror. Your name isn't really Pepper, is it?"

"No." She couldn't help but to be impressed with his profession. Aurors were not just smart, quick, and talented. They were the smartest, the quickest, and the most talented. "He hired me because he said I was good for business."

"Being a very pretty redhead." He summarized showing her a toothy grin satisfied with her answers. "I don't think Pepper fits you at all and since you won't tell me your real name, what should I call you?"

"Whatever you want." She shrugged before adding an afterthought. "No flowers though."

"That's too bad. You look like a Daisy to me." He lied.

She wrinkled her nose unpleasantly. She would never be a 'Daisy' which was silly coming from a 'Lily.' "And what should I call you?"

"You really don't get this, do you?" The attractive man teased. "Why would I tell you mine, when you won't tell me yours?"

She couldn't help but to roll her eyes at him not caring how young it made her appear. The Auror was frustrating!

"Hey Johnny!" An idea bounced into her head as she walked down the bar to an old patron who was slumped over in his seat.

The white haired man was here more than Lily, and that was saying something since she worked twelve hours straight every night. He was constantly drunk, mumbling incoherent things and sometimes even speaking to Lily in some form of French, but she was sure that Johnny would recognize the Auror because they were both regulars.

At her call Johnny's head had snapped up from it dangling position. "Wha?"

"Do you know that man's name?" She tried to remember her warm smile as she pointed to the ruggedly handsome man. Not that there was anybody else sitting at the bar, but Johnny had been drinking since long before Lily started her shift.

"Of course!" Johnny tittered until he almost fell off his stool. "Why, that's my son Baker!"

Lily raised a questioning eyebrow at the Auror and he shrugged neither confirming nor denying.

Johnny continued on in an alcohol fueled daze now directing his attention fully to his 'son.' "You look good for having been dead forty years!"

Johnny's cheerful smile remained as his head wobbled before hitting the bar with a great thump.

Lily and the Auror waited a respectful pause after the old wizard began snoring before bursting into laughter. She realized how silly it had been to get information from a drunk.

He motioned for two more shots and pushed one towards Lily. "Here's to coming back from the dead!"

'No shot left untaken' ran through Lily's head as she cringed. The firewhiskey was like drinking a flame and she had all her patent reactions of distaste.

When he questioned her shivering response, she explained that she was muggleborn and preferred muggle liquors. She told him that regular whiskey was her favorite because it reminded her of her father who enjoyed the beverage on special occasions.

"I'm half." He referred to his blood. "Can't say I've ever tasted it though. From what I've heard it's not nearly as strong as wizard stuff."

"Why in such a hurry to get drunk, Baker?" She tried out the nickname. She'd never given one before so she hoped it sounded natural.

He smiled in approval. "I spend half the year on some mission or other wishing to be home with my family and the other half sitting in this bar drinking to avoid them. The quicker the drunk comes the easier it is to forget what a bunch of tossers they really are."

"So why do you miss them when your away?"

He thought about it a moment before answering. "I suppose it's easier to see all the things I have to when I have this idea of my mum and dad waiting on me ready to exclaim about what a hero I am."

"Do they?" She was curious about the mysterious life of an Auror. She'd never stopped to think about what it would be like for their families. "Are you a hero, Baker?"

His eyes finally glazed over a little after the last shot and she was proud to recognize the first sign of intoxication. It just came with being a barmaid, she supposed.

"Can you keep a secret, Whiskey?" He leaned across the bar and she mirrored his position coming close to his handsome face. She thought the firewhiskey would make him smell sour, but she was happily surprised when he smelled of warmth.

She nodded thinking he had very nice muted green eyes.

"I only became an Auror because I wanted to do the right thing." His face was serious and she couldn't have moved even if she wanted to as she was drawn into his eyes that had seen so much terror and hate. "But I'm not a very good one. I've done my fare share of heroics, but in the end I don't have what it takes."

"What does it take?" She desperately needed to know. Being an Auror was something Lily thought she could do.

She always wanted to do the right thing too. The war was out there now and even though it wasn't close to home and most people were unaffected, the mysterious dark wizard was gaining power. If she was an Auror then she could help.

"They only accept the smartest and the most talented. They put you through hell making sure you can handle the pressure. You have to be in the best shape of your life and your wand hand better be sharp or you're dead." He didn't seem to be looking at her anymore, but instead through her. "I was all of those things."

Lily noticed him glancing at his empty shot glass so she poured him another waiting for him to explain.

"The problem is that even though they want the smartest, they expect you to quit thinking at all after a while. They order and you follow. There are no questions and certainly no answers. I wanted to fight in a war… not cover one up."

He must have been drunker than she thought to be telling her all this.

If blind allegiance was what it took then she didn't have it either. She would do whatever it took to protect the people she loved, but she'd never be able to do it unquestioningly.

Lily related ignorance to hate, so it was strange to hear that the people protecting them used ignorance as a tool.

She desperately wanted to join in the fight though. After all, she was the one who was being called dirty and unnatural, but she couldn't fight that way.

Blindly following the Ministry was just as bad a blindly following he-who-must-not-be-named.

Lily and the wizard she called Baker continued a casual conversation and she was thankful it was still easy to talk to him after his confession.

His words had woven themselves into her thoughts.

She was still thinking about what he said as she made her way home, long after Baker had left The Leaky Cauldron.

The morning sun felt fresh and the air smelled like dew as she slowly made her way back to Magical Menagerie. Even though it was early a few people were already scattered around window shopping or stopping for coffee at the café.

These people were happy.

A few men from Diagon Alley had given her a new life and even though her flat was dirty, her hours were terrible, and she spent most of her time making friends with old drunk men, it was all hers.

She'd done it alone and it was the most satisfying thing she'd ever accomplished.

She wasn't changing herself for anyone. These were the first people who hadn't asked her to.

She had all the tools to fight for them. She was smart and quick and talented. She was going to do _something_ even if being an Auror was off the table. She had to!

She just had to figure out what...

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**Disclaimer for the entire story thus far**: I don't own anything. It was all created by the genius of JK Rowling. I'm not making any money off this story.

**Author's Note: **

_As you can tell, Lily has a long journey ahead of her. Don't expect an easy solution. She's 17 and I think we all make our fair share of mistakes in the name of self discovery along the way. _

_I know that original characters can be frustrating and you're probably beating your keyboard for the Marauders, or even Snape (that is if your even still reading)… but Lily needs time away from the characters that have trapped her into their ideal of her, so she can discover who she is. _

_I promise that the summer is only three chapters long and in every one we are treated to some of cannon characters. _

_Thank you so much to my reviewers! I love all of your feedback and even though I'm a good deal ahead with the writing, your opinions allow me to change and alter things to better my story. Everyone who is brave enough to submit a story knows just how scary it can be to put yourself out there for criticism and at the same time exhilarating to receive positive affirmation. _

Since I missed my question last chapter, I'll post two…

Who is your favorite band at the moment?

What's the first book you ever read that truly inspired you?

_My answer to my favorite Harry Potter book is Goblet of Fire. It was the first one I read (I know, how terrible? I didn't read them in order!) and it's the one I reread the most. Although I think the 7__th__ is something of legend and finished the series more remarkably than I ever could have imagined! _


	4. Chapter Four

**Previously On****: **Lily has three dorm mates: Evie, Kat, and Marley. Marley is best mates with Emmeline and Honor. Evie is a free spirit who has a hobby of altering spells and Kat turns Lily away when she needs a place to stay. Lily finds a life living in a flat above Magical Menagerie and working as a barmaid at The Leaky Cauldron. Lily takes a fancy to a miniature turtle named Harvey and makes friends with an Auror who she calls Baker.

**Chapter Four**

**The Men of Diagon Alley**

Lily received her first owl of the summer on the first day of August. She would have been more excited except the obnoxious bird proceeded to peck at the window until Lily was forced out of her slumber.

Her days and nights were completely switched after working at the bar for over a month. Even during her time off she preferred to keep her normal schedule usually wrangling Baker into staying up all night with her.

The letter and attached package were from her dorm mate, Evie.

She apologized for getting Lily in trouble with Petunia for sending an owl but assured Lily it was worth the irritation.

The eccentric blonde was having a brilliant time in New Zealand. She told Lily how much she missed them and expressed jealousy at all the fun Kat and Lily probably had when Lily was staying with Kat earlier in the summer.

Evie explained how difficult it was getting letters all the way back to London, but she had only just remembered that Kat's birthday was in August and she didn't want Kat to think she'd forgotten about her. She admitted spending a ridiculous amount of gold to get the letter and package to Lily.

She had included enough gold to buy Kat a specified gift and also a special token of her appreciation for Lily '_doing all the work_.'

An honest grin bloomed across her face at Evie's 'p_.s. Pretend we had this planned all along when you give it to her!_"

Pulling out a thin tube containing a small measure of potion she read "_For beautiful witches who desire full shiny hair_" that was labeled down the side along with a fancy symbol of the company.

She giggled at Evie's obsession with hair. The girl had more potions and charms for her hair then most people did for their entire body. Lily recognized the brand as one of the nicer ones her dorm mate always stocked up on and without a second thought she uncorked the tube taking it like she did a shot of firewhiskey.

Retrieving small bag full of coins, Lily meant to put it with the rest of the gold she earned when a small piece of parchment fluttered to the wooden floor.

"_I know you'll love the beauty potion. It's one of my favorites! Thanks again, Lovely. You're the best mate a girl could ask for- don't tell Kat I said that. Also I experimented with the potion a bit so it should last twice as long as the three weeks it's designed for! Cheers." _

"Damn!" Lily immediately exclaimed dropping the slip of paper and fingering her long hair.

Somehow Evie's slightly 'altered' spells, charms, and-apparently- potions never turned out exactly the way she intended. Poor Marley's hair had still been tipped pink at the end of the semester.

Rushing down into the pet store Lily bypassed Mr. Price and hurried to the horizontal mirror that hung on the wall behind the counter.

Her hair was still as thick as ever and it shinned nicely which were the intended side effects of the potion. Unfortunately, it was also a few inches longer because all of Lily's twisting and looping curls now hung in full straight curtains. The color was also almost a full shade darker too.

Quickly, she waved her wand sounding off a curling charm Evie and Kat used for special occasions.

Lily's darker auburn hair crunched feebly into a slight wave before relaxing back into straightness.

The girl in the mirror frowned back at her.

She loved her curly hair. It was the one thing Lily had inherited from her mother.

"Problem, Ms. Evans?" Mr. Price approached Lily with a dark owl perched on his shoulder.

Lily reached out to run her fingers across the gentle owl's feathers with a scowl still on her face.

It was strange for her to be letting someone know that she was upset. This was the kind of thing that she would normally brush off with a smile, but right now she didn't care about pretending to feel a certain way. Right now she felt a bit lost. "My hair…. I don't look like me."

"I don't think it makes you less attractive, if that's what you are worried about." The older man said encouragingly with the barest hint of teasing smile.

"It's not that." She tried to decide exactly what was upsetting her. Absently she felt a comforting pull towards Harvey's aquarium and her eyes sought her little friend. "It's just that I haven't felt like 'me' all summer and to be honest it has kind of been fantastic. I'm not wedged into anyone's ideas anymore. I'm free."

Harvey raised his face to nuzzle her finger before scurrying to the edge of his pond and diving in. "I guess I'm scared I'm going to be so different that people won't know how to love me anymore. The one thing that was the same about me is gone."

Lily knew it wasn't about her hair at all. Her hair would go back to normal after a month or so, but she didn't know if she could go back to being who she was.

She certainly didn't want to.

"I think you are underestimating the people of your life, Ms. Evans." He walked over to stand in front Harvey's cage with her. "Would you love them any differently if they changed?"

Before she could answer she had to consider all the ways they could change.

She began to say that she would if they became Death Eaters, but stopped. She still loved Severus.

Would she love Petunia more if she treated her better? It would definitely improve their relationship, but she wouldn't love her sister more. Sirius had changed plenty since they first began dating but she still loved him the same.

"Love really doesn't work like that." She spoke as she realized it. "If you ever really love someone then it will always be there. You can hide it or burry it but it doesn't go away. How much you like them or appreciate them can change, but love stays the same."

He nodded and pushed his sliding spectacles back up his nose as they thoughtfully watched Harvey make lazy waves in his pond. She searched for the unease she had felt moments before and could only manage to feel utterly calm.

It seemed so simple. Things were like that for her in Diagon Alley. She could just slip into this identity and imagine a separate life.

It was becoming harder and harder to imagine ever returning.

"Thank you, Mr. Price." She finally said forcing her eyes away from Harvey's calming effect.

He gave her a gentle pat on the shoulder before heading to the front of the store to put the owl back with the others and Lily headed up to her flat to bathe.

She wasn't working tonight but she'd promised to meet Baker at The Leaky Cauldron. A bitter cloud had penetrated through her earlier content due to the brief seconds of unfamiliarity that caught her when she was presented with her own reflection.

It was unnerving to not recognize your own face at a glance.

"I don't know why I keep giving you nights off when you spend them here." Tom grumbled when she marched around the bar. His gentle irises glared pointedly at the shot she poured and simultaneously downed. "You're going to pay for that."

She scowled back at him before throwing back a second shot.

Well at least he hadn't mentioned her hair. Maybe it wasn't even noticeable.

"Hello beautif-… Whiskey?" Baker's face went from seductive to confused quicker than a broom could get off the ground.

She turned her glower from moderately irritated to hexing pissed at Baker. He was relaxed into his usual bar stool and studying her with intensity.

Stubbornly she just glared harder fighting off the desire to squirm under his gaze.

She wasn't interested in Baker in a romantic way. He was clever and wicked fun. He was also twenty-four and an Auror. So even if she didn't want to shag him, he was still a devilishly good-looking older Auror who she didn't want thinking she was unattractive.

He had already seen far too many of her unappealing qualities as it was- more than anyone else had ever been privy too before.

"I know." She huffed. "I don't look like myself."

"It's not that." He was looking at her oddly again. "You look sexy."

There was no stopping the blush this time. "Excuse me?"

"I mean you're beautiful- gorgeous even- normally." Giving her a rogue smile he continued. "Totally not my type though."

Lily couldn't believe he'd just said that! And apparently it read all over her face because he continued quickly.

"The goody-goody, demure smiles, sunshine and puppies, curls and twirls, bright eyes and pleasantries, best mate type of girl look. You know, a nice girl look?" Baker seemed to think this explanation would clear everything up for her. "It's not a bad thing I suppose. It's just never really done it for me."

"And my hair somehow counter acts all those things?" She hoped he'd been drinking or else he really was an idiot.

"It helps." He seemed a bit mesmerized as he took a lock in his fingers. "It's dead sexy. Makes your eyes look mysterious and daring. Now if we could do something about your clothes."

"Why?" She scoffed. Boys were insane. She had always suspected, but Baker made it official. "So I can take a ride on your broom?"

Her goal of insulting him was right on the mark as he looked appropriately put out. "Well why not? I'm rather fetching!"

Her laughter was loud and unashamed thinking him more adorable than 'fetching' when he pouted.

"Fetching indeed." Lily pretended to think it over for a moment. "Totally not my type though."

"Whiskey, I doubt you have a type."

Her glare returned. "I don't need a type, _Baker_. My boyfriend is the only 'type' I have."

This declaration caused an in depth discussion about Baker not believing she actually had a boyfriend. He pointed out that they had spent a good deal of time together and never before had Lily mention this supposed boyfriend.

He thought she was making him up to prove a point.

"Don't you two have anything else to do but disrupt my establishment with your squabbling?" Tom's ever present glower didn't waver as he scolded the two youngest occupants of the pub. He'd already kicked Lily out from behind the bar ranting about professionalism.

"Actually we do!" Baker told him proudly dragging Lily out into the alley behind him.

"We do?"

"Oh yeah, didn't I mention we were going to meet up with an old mate of mine?" Tapping the suitable bricks he led her into the bustle of the alley.

"What!" Lily dragged her feet unsuccessfully. "I'm not properly dressed!"

She had on her normal work attire which consisted of modest shorts and a plain white t-shirt.

"Oh." He finally stopped to check over her clothes. "You're right. The hair looks great, but your clothes scream 'Nice Girl!'."

"I am a nice girl!" She stomped her foot.

She was sure that he would laugh at her, but he didn't. Instead he grabbed her by the arms and brought her face-to-face with him. "No you're not. You think that's what everyone wants you to be, but you, my friend, are feisty. I still don't understand why you put so much effort into trying to extinguish your flame."

She shook him off easily and set off down the street with a solid huff. "You have no idea what you're talking about."

People liked the way she looked. No, she didn't have much of a personal style and she tended to wear what others thought looked good on her, but she didn't put much thought into clothes anyways. She spent the majority of the year covered by robes or hidden in a school uniform and most her wardrobe were things her mother had bought before she'd died.

Baker, never to be put off by her irritability, looped her arm through his and yanked playfully at her hair until she looked at him.

"I guess my reputation can suffer this one time." His stupid insufferable grin spread out on his face. "You owe me though."

She boxed him in the ear.

He whined about that all the way to a purple building Lily had never noticed before. It was far off her beaten path.

Baker explained it was a new pub that catered to a younger crowd than The Leaky Cauldron.

"The Broom Closet?" Lily asked incredulously.

"It's dead catchy."

It was true the crowd was much closer to Lily's age than at her pub. Everyone looked to be in their twenties and Lily even spotted a few familiar faces from years past at Hogwarts. Baker seemed familiar with most of them.

She wondered why he didn't hang out here instead of The Cauldron as he spoke pleasantly with a tired redheaded couple who were having a night away from their several children.

"Harland, mate!" A table by the front window full of youthful faces bellowed in their direction. "Over here!"

Finally drawn away from his conversation by the raucous the group was causing, Baker bounded over to them.

"Abbott!" Her friend embraced the shorter man a good natured grin on his face. "You didn't tell me this was a bloody reunion."

The group exchanged embraces and greetings while Lily stood a few feet away unsure of what to do. She was incredibly intimidated by the older group.

"We didn't mean to ambush you." One of girls smiled widely at Baker. Lily unconsciously noted her quirky patched blouse and bright pink hair accessory as Baker's earlier observations rang through her mind. "When Abbott told us you were having drinks we couldn't resist joining in. Some of us haven't seen you since Hogwarts!"

"Suppose he was too busy playing hero." A black haired witch said with a snarky attitude and sarcastic smile. With that smile and her deep black hair she could have passed for James' sister. Immediately an itch eased through Lily's palm at the James related thought.

As a distraction Lily quickly took inventory of the witch's silver studded shirt and fitted pants. Her outfit created an obvious mixture of attraction and intimidation.

Baker ignored the witch and instead pulled Lily over to the group as she scratched desperately at her palm. "Everyone this is Whiskey."

The three boys of the group were quick to welcome her introducing themselves as Abbott, Lewis, and Alfie.

She would never be able to remember their names, but she focused on her warm smile. The two girls weren't unfriendly, but seemed confused by Lily's presence. The black haired witch with the put together clothes was Delilah and Lily easily assumed Ollie, the brightly accessorized girl, was the friendlier of the two.

"Harland, I didn't know you were seeing anyone." Abbott was the first to voice the curiosity they all felt.

Like a sharp slap, realization hit Lily. "Harland! Your name is Harland!"

Her outburst caused the entire table to look equally shocked and concerned for her mental health.

She had honestly forgotten that Baker wasn't his actual name.

Baker –or Harland- roared with laughter at her and his friends' faces. Lily's cheeks flushed scarlet with embarrassment as she realized what a nutter she looked like.

"Should we be concerned that he's taken to picking up young women who seem to be lacking a firm grasp on reality?" Delilah addressed her question to Abbott who merely shrugged continuing to stare at Lily.

"Great first impression, Whiskey." Baker winked at her before explaining to his friends about their nicknames.

At some point he pulled her into his lap because they were lacking an extra chair, and it was only natural. With Baker it was impossible not to be comfortable with his level of intimacy. He liked to touch and at first Lily had been nervous about holding hands or sitting in his lap, but she'd soon realized it was innocent. Now she would be less comfortable is he wasn't touching her.

The Auror spent months at a time being forced into a hard unfeeling skeleton and it made sense that intimacy would be something he overindulged in.

"How's that disaster of a sister, Harland?" Delilah smirked knowingly bringing up another topic.

The group of old friends had already rolled through jobs, spouses, lack of spouses, and death. Lily supposed family was the next line of questioning.

Lily knew Baker and his sister had a very normal sibling relationship. They loved each other. They just didn't like each other all the time.

"Dating every bloke that looks her way and horrifying mum and dad with her lack of ambition." Baker replied passing out their fourth or fifth round of butterbeer.

The subject of Baker's little sister seemed to be a popular one as the others joined in telling stories about the girl who apparently looked a good bit like her brother.

"She's not still hung up on that one bloke?" Alfie's eyes were teasing. "I can't recall the bugger's name, but I remember she about had kittens whenever he'd get a new girlfriend."

They all laughed at this. Apparently, the little sister was involved in some sort of great unrequited love tragedy.

"She reminds me of that Hufflepuff that followed Harland around all of sixth year." Delilah retained her cool aloofness despite the alcohol that pushed through her system. "Some witches just can't take a hint."

And just like that they launched into a full blown reminiscing session covering everything one could possibly note about Hogwarts.

Like a rock, anxiety settled into Lily's stomach.

In Diagon Alley, Hogwarts didn't exist. She lasted ten minutes being forced to recall her own times at school before she excused herself to the loo.

It was too big a task to try and imagine the life that waited in September. She wanted to stay exactly where she was with Baker and never have to be Lovely Lily again.

Taking an embarrassingly long time in the bathroom meant the conversation had definitely moved past Hogwarts and she'd never been happier to join in a discussion on dragons in her life.

Soon butterbeer turned to firewhiskey and they all indulged in intoxication. Lily was proud that her tolerance was one of the best of the group. When Ollie got sick, Delilah and Alfie took her home and soon Abbott and Lewis were wishing them farewell as well leaving Lily and Baker to have a few more rounds alone.

"Alright, Harland." She pulled him out of his chair. "Time to go home."

While Lily had kept her consumption sparse and sobered drastically at the Hogwarts talk, Baker had pushed through and was currently stumbling drunk. With her support they made it out of The Broom Closet.

"Don't call me that." He slurred at her his head lolling onto her shoulder.

She laughed as she guided him to her flat. He was in no condition to travel so he would have to stay with her. It wouldn't be the first time.

"You're just mad because I found out your name and you don't know mine." She led him up the narrow stairway to the second floor of Magical Menagerie.

"That's true." He admitted stumbling into the wall as she opened the door. He only took three more missteps before finding the bed and falling onto it face first. She giggled at his back as he began to snore muffled by her quilt.

Lily took several of her own missteps as she ungracefully filled a glass from the tap.

This was probably the drunkest she'd ever been and it still wasn't very. She didn't like that. She wanted to get belligerently drunk and be free of herself just like everyone else did.

"Think about it tomorrow." She mumbled letting her eyes close groggily even though she was standing up.

Sleep was calling to her strongly so she pushed her shorts down her curvy hips and tried to ease herself into the space allowed by Baker's sprawled form. It didn't matter how uncomfortable the position was however because she passed out before she even thought about it.

"Whiskey." A voice whispered in her ear. She was still exhausted so it had to be early afternoon which to Lily was about three a.m. "Whiskey."

She refused to open her eyes to Baker's soft voice. She didn't even want to speak for fear that it would scare sleep away all together.

She settled for scrunching her face up- eyes tightly closed.

He chuckled and Lily felt a tickling sensation on her bare thigh. She ignored it and shook her head irritably.

"Whiskey." He repeated and awareness began to seep over her. With it came the realization that his hard warm body was pressed into her back. "I think I want to have sex with you."

"What!" She had no problem speaking or opening her eyes as she flew off the mattress.

He didn't seem put-out by her reaction. "You just look really hot and I don't really fancy you, but you're ridiculously shaggable."

Only Baker could make her feel sexy and offend her in the same sentence. "You horrid toerag! I told you I had a boyfriend."

He groaned. "Not this again."

"Oh bugger off!" There was no use arguing for Sirius because Baker would never believe her. "It'd be like shagging my brother!"

He seemed to consider this declaration for a moment before grinning again. "Won't know until we have a go."

She went for physical violence this time, but he caught her swinging arm and pulled her onto the mattress under him.

Lily's eyes were wide as she stared at him. She had forgotten how nice his eyes were. The weight his body pressed into her brought on wonderful heat and she could feel every inch of hard muscle.

"One kiss." She allowed but quickly added. "Just to prove a point."

His face eased forward without hesitation and she accepted with a mix of curiosity and desire for the warmth of companionship.

The kiss was so warm and she found herself trying to get as close as possible to his soft hot skin. It was teasing- a prelude for what could come.

It was beyond dangerous for boys to be as fit as Baker was. She couldn't control her hands as they snuck up his shirt to caress the tight muscles.

"Oh..mmm." He moaned into her mouth. It made her wet to hear the effect she could have on someone like him.

They stopped after a moment, neither smiling with teasing merriment for once. "Whiskey, I'm positive that is not what snogging my sister would be like."

"Let's hope not." She answered cheekily. "Now we know."

His was out of the bed so fast she almost didn't catch his blur.

He ripped his shirt over his head and Lily was so busy drooling over his magnificent abdomen that she missed him shoving his pants, under things included, off his hips.

She was stunned for a moment taking in the most spectacular male body she'd ever seen in person before she snapped out of it. "Bloody fuck, Baker! I didn't mean let's have a go! I meant the experiment is over."

He pouted but made no move to cover himself and Lily almost choked realizing his was _that large _only semi-hard.

Her hand shot to cover her eyes. If she didn't then she might actually agree.

Everything about him was warm and comfortable and she couldn't even begin to imagine the things he could make her feel. Sirius always made fun of how randy she was with him so didn't want to think of how uninhibited she'd be with Baker and all his experience.

She felt the mattress slouch and peaked through her fingers to make sure he was dressed again. She supposed pants were better than nothing.

"So you really do have a boyfriend then?" He settled down in the spot next to her on the bed.

"Of course, I've been trying to tell you!"

He nodded solemnly. "I suppose it has to be true. There's no other way you would turn me down."

Grabbing her pillow she smacked him in the face. The moment had passed and Lily felt like it was a rite of passage to real friendship.

It didn't take long for them to fall back asleep despite the sunlit room and they were both content to snuggle into one another appreciating the warmth the other gave off.

Much later in the day pecking at the window woke Lily up from her deep slumber.

It was ironic that she hadn't received an owl for the entire summer and now she'd gotten two in a row. Wiggling away from Baker who could sleep through a quidditch match, she let the little owl in.

_Ms. Evans, _

_I'm sorry to bother you as I know how much you appreciate your sleep, but I'm facing some unfortunate health issues at the moment. My brother has dragged me off to St. Mungos (quite unnecessary), but the healers have decided to keep me until my condition improves. If it would not inconvenience you too much I would appreciate your assistance in feeding the animals in the afternoon and before you leave for work. You will, of course, be compensated for your time. I can't say how thankful I am that such a charming young woman wandered into my shop that day. My brother has assured me he has already begun a search for a temporary replacement. _

_Thank you, _

_Mr. Price_

Lily desperately wanted to go to St. Mungos and make sure Mr. Price was really alright, but she couldn't help thinking it wasn't her place. She liked Mr. Price. He had done a lot for her with the flat and some solid advice as well, but she wasn't his daughter or friend. She was his tenant and semi employee.

"Hey, Whiskey." Baker called to her from the bed. She hadn't realized he was awake. "You've got a half hour to get to work."

"Damn!"

She was only five minutes late which was the latest she'd ever been, but it didn't stop Tom from scolding her grouchily.

The rest of her night was dreadful. She missed drink orders and spilt butterbeer. Thank goodness she was only serving drunk old men or she might have gotten canned.

She couldn't help but to worry about Mr. Price. Baker didn't come in and she found herself becoming lonely without his commentary.

It was raining when she left work and her straight hair lay flat on her head unattractively. She missed her curls that seemed to soak up the rain in their curves. Now she just looked like a wet dog, she realized glancing in the mirror when she entered the shop.

She made her feeding rounds as quickly as possible, but when she got to Harvey he looked rather peakish. His normally shining shell was muted.

She held out her palm (the one that didn't itch) and he crawled on rather sluggishly.

"The weather getting you down?" She cooed to her little friend. "I know what will make it better."

Carrying Harvey along she went to the small closet in the back where Mr. Price kept remedies and potions for the shop. She picked up a pepper –up and squeezed out a dot directly onto his shell.

"It'll make you sleep for a while and when you wake up you'll be good as new!" She told him.

She decided to watch him and make sure the potion did its job so she brought his aquarium to Mr. Price's desk before placing the turtle back inside. Sitting in the cushioned chair she found her own eyes closing and soon they were both unconscious.

Alarmed and disoriented Lily was awoken by the heavy jingle of bells signaling a customer and with horror she realized she'd left the door unlocked.

A young girl and her mother brought a purple kitten to the front and paid the appropriate amount of gold. Lily imitated Mr. Price's actions as she sold the family their new pet.

Driven by guilt over her oversight with the door she served seven more customers before she could close the shop.

She found that the work wasn't that difficult and it was the least she could do for Mr. Price after he rented her the flat for practically free. Plus he'd pay her for her assistance and the extra gold encouraged her further.

She decided to owl him that she would take a partial shift in the afternoon until his brother found a replacement.

Lily's already hectic life became a blur of the bar and the menagerie.

She got three hours of sleep every day and it was starting to affect her. She tried to hand a child a snake that wanted goldfish and she'd served a man a steep glass of firewhiskey even though he'd asked for water. Imagine their surprise.

Ten days passed and Lily was a zombie. At the end of her shift at the bar Tom walked in to take over only to find his barmaid sleeping where she stood.

He should have sacked her, but he just couldn't. She worked hard and all the men loved her. Not only because she was the nice to look at, but because she was kind to them as well. Plus they enjoyed it when she got a bit feisty with them. They liked it a little too much in Tom's opinion.

Sending off a quick owl, Tom waited until Harland arrived.

"What's going on?" The young man looked alert as his eyes assessed any dangers.

Tom simply pointed to Lily's position leaned against the wall behind the bar and very much asleep. "I figured I'd let you deal with it."

"You're not going to get rid of her are you? Because it's not her fault. She's just being stupid trying to do too much at once. She really needs this job." Harland's words rushed out.

"I'm not sacking her." Tom grumbled seemingly uncomfortable with the allowance himself. It wasn't like him to show compassion. "I just want you to help her home. I don't think she'd make it alone."

The Auror was looking at him in a knowing way that Tom didn't appreciate. "Tell her if it happens again she's done."

Tom could tell Harland didn't believe him. Tom really didn't believe it himself.

Scooping her lean frame into his arms, Harland carried her out. She didn't even stir.

In fact she didn't move for the following five hours and the only reason she woke up then was because a man was standing over her bed.

In the same moment she began screaming, she grasp for her wand. Coming up empty she shot out of the bed and scampered as far away from the stranger as possible in her single room.

He reminded her of a buzzard with his hooked nose and hunched back. He also looked positively evil.

"I need yer help." His voice had a certain squawking quality that didn't help the buzzard resemblance. She had to distinguish that 'yer' was supposed to be 'you.'

"Excuse me?" Her eyes searched the room for her wand desperately. "My husband is an Auror and he'll be home any minute. If you're here to rob me then you'd just better continue on because there isn't anything worth your trouble."

The intruder's beady eyes glared at her. Then again, Lily suspected his face might look like that naturally. "I'm Earnest Eeylops. I was just hired to run the Menagerie and I need yer help."

This should have made her feel better, but Earnest was still creepy and demanding her to do something so she couldn't say it improved her opinion of him. "Fine, but get out. You can't just come into my flat whenever you please!"

She'd never been so harsh to a stranger before. It felt unbelievable to return his rudeness with her own.

"Yer should put some pants on or the customers will know Mr. Price is hiring tarts."

Horrified, she realized that she was standing in the corner in her knickers and Leaky Cauldron shirt. She also noted he called her a tart.

"Apologize and then get out or you can help yourself." She demanded with a hard edge that she wielded into the buzzard man.

An unpleasant noise rumbled in Earnest's throat. It was as good as she was going to get.

After helping Earnest for an hour she flat refused to be in his presence any longer. He was horrid. He insulted her blood, her looks, her hair, her intelligence, and even her smell at one point. She couldn't help it that she'd been working so hard that she hadn't had the time to take the best care of herself!

Stomping all the way back up to her flat she took one last look at the new employee as he gawked near the owls. He seemed nearly obsessive about the birds while he was only partially interested in the other animals.

She put several locking charms on her door after she'd slammed it shut.

Defiantly, she ripped off her pants and shirt too for good measure before crawling back into bed and planning to stay there for the entire weekend. It was the first time off she'd had since she'd gone for drinks with Baker's friends.

She briefly remembered Baker carrying her home and smiled pleasantly at thought. She never could have imagined being friends with someone like Baker before this summer, but he had easily had become the best one she ever had.

It was hard to get accustomed to the slight role reversal of the friendship. Usually she took on the role of provider or giver, but Baker never asked for anything and usually demanded she take far more than he gave.

She was free of responsibilities until Monday. With that pleasant thought she was whisked away into a peaceful slumber for nearly two days.

"You smell like dung." The mattress sagged and she recognized that Baker was crawling into bed with her.

She didn't respond. Her head was cloudy and ached from sleeping for too long.

"When was the last time you bathed?" Apparently he wasn't going away.

She was silent clamping her eyelids together until they stung. Just because he was resolute to nag her didn't mean she had to respond.

She sighed contently when she felt him leave the mattress, happy to have won the battle. Unfortunately he'd only taken a new tactic and she was suddenly yanked up and thrown over his broad shoulder.

Disoriented from the sudden change in equilibrium, she couldn't catch her bearings when he dropped her in the rusting claw foot tub. Her weak legs gave out and her bum hit the tub with a _clang_. He showed no mercy turning the shower on full blast spraying angry torrents of liquid at her.

Shocked she stared at him, spitting out water that flooded her open mouth.

His face was filled with mirth as laughter overtook him and even though she was beyond pissed, she couldn't blame him. She was sure she looked ridiculous.

"If I had my wand I would curse your bloody dick off!" She fumed.

He wasn't frightened by her raging threat. "You smell terrible. You hair looks like a house elf's and you've been sleeping for an unhealthy amount of time. You'll get bedsores."

He made some very valid points, but she didn't have to admit it.

Pushing herself up into the blunt of the spray she realized that once again she was only in her knickers and bra.

It didn't even bother as she grabbed a bottle of shampoo. This summer wasn't doing anything to improve her modesty.

"Plus we have a party to go to." He informed as his eyes remained rooted in place and he made no move to close the shower curtain.

His stupid smug face made her itch to retaliate. However, she didn't have her wand and physical violence was useless with his much superior reflexes and strength.

"The smirk" appeared as a wicked idea floated through her mind. If he wanted a show then she'd give his impatient arse one.

Finishing rinsing the remaining suds out of her hair she grabbed for the soap. Teasingly she took pains to lather every inch of her skin slowly. She didn't need to look at him to know that she had his full attention as she freed the clasp of her saturated bra.

Lily was well aware of the power of her breasts. She had the kind of chest that made boys struggle to meet her eyes during conversation and her dorm mates groan enviously.

The water had barely run over the previously hidden skin and Baker was on her.

"Fucking Merlin." He mumbled nonsensically as he tried to kiss her, but she ducked away with a heavy laugh.

He grabbed for her again his eyes only on her chest and she swatted him away with a big smile. "Maybe next time you'll think twice about disturbing someone's peace."

He cursed finally looking away from her exposed chest with an unashamed pout. "Not fair. You can't just show a bloke the most beautiful thing he's ever seen and tell him touching isn't allowed."

She laughed evilly yanking the curtain closed around her. "Sure I can when the bloke's a bloody tosser."

The rest of her shower passed peacefully and she had to admit she felt loads better. Baker was rummaging through her trunk when she stepped out in a towel.

"What are you doing?"

He glanced up finally noticing her reappearance without a hint of the pout that he'd previously been sporting. "Trying to find you something to wear to this party that doesn't make you look like a stuck up Hogwarts' Head Girl. You should wear something without flowers or in pastel which pretty much discounts your entire wardrobe. These aren't 'you'. You always complain about the way people see you and yet you continue to put on a façade that forces them to do so."

She resisted the urge to snap at him. Baker never let her get away with anything. If she refuted the truth of her statement, he'd call her on it.

Instead she quickly pulled on her under things while he was distracted rummaging through her trunk.

"Everyone else always tells me how nice I look." She pointed out finally keeping her towel on top of her knickers.

"Everyone else apparently doesn't see you the way I do." He responded holding up a black tank top that she wore as a camisole. "What do _you_ want to wear?"

He was right.

Pastels and flowers really weren't her style. Her mother had always picked out her clothes when she was younger and Lily had never really taken the time to consider whether she liked them or not. People told her she looked nice so why should she change it?

"I don't want to dress like a slag if that's what you're saying." Lily was afraid to know what his ideal outfit for her would be.

She supposed that her actual style fell somewhere in the middle of her mother's idea for her and Baker's.

"Shame. You'd be a hot slag." Smiling charmingly he threw the black tank top at Lily. "You can transfigure it a bit and wear a jacket."

The silky fabric was smooth under her fingers and she twisted the shirt thoughtfully. Did physical appearance really matter that much?

Lily could admit that clothes did say something about the person wearing them. So what did her clothes say about her?

She thickened the straps and let out the seam at the bottom so it fell to the pockets of her jeans. She'd give it a try, but she couldn't imagine wearing a black shirt would really alter anything.

Delicate fingers parted her thick hair to the side, but Baker stopped her from pulling it up.

"It won't be this way for much longer. Let me enjoy." He said with a wistful smile. She worried about his love affair with her new hair.

He apparated them to a lawn where a party was already in full swing. They landed at the edge of the yard- a good distance from the actual house.

"Home sweet home." He sighed sarcastically. "My parents are in Paris for the weekend and my sister is throwing a bash. I figured it was time for the two of you to meet."

His strong hand entwined with hers as they approached.

It was a nice house and she thought the painted white brick made the two story house seem more majestic. It was very muggle, but he had told her that his Dad was non magical so it made sense.

Swift shots of alarm fired off as she passed face after familiar face. In fact it seemed that most of the attendees were Hogwarts students.

Uneasy tension settled in her gut as she spotted Connor Vance, a Hufflepuff that Evie had a crush on, and Christos Savales, Gryffindor Prefect and Chaser, from the year below her.

Baker's comforting presence was no longer leading her into a friendly gathering, but instead a handcuff dragging her into a life she'd rather forget. With glazed looks her peers' eyes passed over her dark hair and silk shirt without recognition. It would only be a matter of time before someone took a closer look.

Finally Lily spotted Honor Simmons, Marley's sidekick, heading straight for them. "Harland, you're late."

The dirty blonde hair, the green eyes, not to mention- the nearly identical cheek bones were all rather obvious clues that Harland was the older brother of fellow sixth year Honor Simmons.

"I had to force Whiskey into the shower." Baker gave her a lewd grin completely unaware of the revelation about to take place.

"Lily?" At the mention of her brother's companion, Honor finally took notice of Lily and with a shocked voice she continued. "What happened to your hair?"

Lily squeaked an incredulous laugh, finding it humorous that her hair was what Honor deemed to be most important mystery of the night.

"Lily?" Baker seemed to have forgotten much like herself that Whiskey was actually not her name. "You two know each other?"

"_You_ _two_ know each other?" Honor's priorities had caught up with her. "You're the bar girl he spends all his time with?"

"No flowers!" He exclaimed apparently making a connection as he went through their first meeting. "Somehow Lily fits you."

"Lily Evans?" Marley popped up beside her friend taking in Lily's new hair and also noting she was holding hands with Honor's attractive older brother with shocked eyes.

"Evans?" Harland rolled the name off his lips, waiting for the familiar phrase to register some type of recognition.

"You and Sirius are done?" Apparently it was Honor's turn again to throw a question at her.

Going along with the theme Lily wasn't given time to respond as Marley cut in again. "What happened to your hair?"

"You're still at Hogwarts?" Harland's eyes went wide. "You're _that_ Lily Evans?"

"Lily Evans?" Remus Lupin entered the fray looking just as confused as everyone else. "Is Sirius with you?"

"Aren't you supposed to be with your muggle sister?" Honor tried again only to be cut off by Remus.

"What happened to your hair?"

"Where've you been?"

"How do you know Honor's brother?"

Lily didn't even bother listening after that as it was all the same anyways. _Where've you been? Where's Sirius? Lily Evans? _And apparently most importantly- _what happened to your hair? _

She waited a full beat of silence once they'd exhausted themselves with questions she wasn't given the chance to answer before she began to speak. Baker came first. He was the most important.

"Yes, my name is Lily Evans, but you aren't allowed to call me that." She grinned at him hoping to bring back his easy smile. "I thought you knew I was still at Hogwarts for another year."

"My hair was a victim of one of Evie's experiments gone wrong." Marley gave her a sympathetic look. "I met Baker- or Harland- at The Leaky Cauldron where I've been working all summer. We're just friends and he knew I had a boyfriend, who-." She turned to Remus. "No, is not with me, but yes as far as I know we are still together."

No one said a word. Their disbelieving stares sliced into her vulnerable conscious. Shamefully her eyes latched onto the material of her altered shirt.

A detached buzz bounced through her body. Staring at the shiny material it was easier to remember why she'd been forced into her current situation.

She didn't owe them an explanation and she certainly didn't owe them the right to judge the decision she'd made.

"Point me towards the firewhiskey." She declared shaking her head in irritation and marched away before anyone could indulge her request. She could find it herself.

She ignored the presence that followed her finding the kitchen quickly. A healthy supply of liquor bottles varying in size and fullness were arranged sporadically of the counter and Lily grabbed the closest bottle of firewhiskey without hesitation.

Pouring two shots she presented the second to her guest without having to check his identity. Remus practically radiated an aura of disapproval.

"What are you doing?" His gentle face was drawn in concern.

Lily had often wondered why Remus didn't have girlfriends. He was all the things girls looked for with his wavy brown hair and tender demeanor, but it wasn't hard to imagine wanting to stay away from the bloke who could throw his guilt onto others like a super power at the moment.

After she took her shot, she chased it with the one Remus had placed unwanted on the counter. "I'm having a drink."

"Are you stepping out on Sirius?" His voice held an edge of anger and was soaked in suspicion.

The longer he looked at her, the angrier she felt. Again her eyes sought her black camisole and again she found it easier to push away the feelings of a girl who no longer existed.

"Baker's my friend. We don't have feelings for each other." It was the truth. When they were both fully clothed their feelings were purely platonic. She poured herself another shot and took it. "It's not as if Sirius has been mooning over me all summer. I haven't heard from him once."

"Everyone thought you were locked away at your sisters for the summer. Kat thinks you're mad at her because you haven't responded to her muggle post."

She turned her face away so he couldn't see her flushed cheeks and focused on the bottle of cheap firewhiskey. She preferred the kind they kept at The Leaky Cauldron. She took another shot anyways. It finally did the trick numbing the most outer layer of her mind slightly.

"Since when do you talk to Kat outside of school?" She chanced a peek at him with careful intentions of avoiding his statement.

It was his turn to blush. "We've always been friends."

Sure, they had always been friends, but there was a concrete line that separated them.

As the same year they had classes and ate meals together, but it was always the three muggleborns in one distinct group, Marley, Simmons, and Vance in another, and then of course the Marauders.

In fifth year when Lily had started dating Sirius, she was included more with the Marauders, but the lines were never erased. As far as Lily knew Kat and Remus had never even had a private conversation outside of Hogwarts.

She felt a horrible tickle of irritation.

She didn't even want to know why she felt upset that Kat and Remus were friends. She was sure whatever the reason it would make her an awful person. Instead of thinking about it she took another shot.

"You don't drink." He told her despite her actions proving otherwise.

Gone were the shivers and hacking cough of an inexperienced drinker, replaced by a steady hand and satisfying burn.

When she took the next shot she was very aware she was becoming drunk. "I'm a barmaid. Of course, I drink."

"What happened to you, Lily?" He asked placing a condemning hand on her wrist. She wished she hadn't looked at him because he looked at her with pity and sadness.

With restraint she jerked away from his touch and clamped her lips closed to prevent any cutting words. He had no right to judge her.

When she didn't respond he left her alone.

Well, not alone. She still had the cheap bottle of firewhiskey for company.

She gave the bottle an admiring smile. Yes, she decided, they'd be great mates!

Her attention was drawn out through the sliding glass doors of the kitchen into the backyard and was shocked to see a pool.

She couldn't help but giggle at the thought of wizards swimming in a modern pool. It seemed very muggle. Mental images of white bearded wizards floundering in their magenta robes off the diving board, spilled laughter through her lips.

Taking her friend with her into the backyard, she sank her feet into the artificially warmed liquid after she'd rolled up her jeans. No party guests were out here and the un-recycled air was nice.

She suspected that even though the in-ground pool appeared to be perfectly average; it was actually charmed to accommodate a swimmer's preference. The water cooled around her calves and she was thankful for the relief on her hot skin.

As if her solitude called forth invaders, the kitchen door clicked shut announcing someone's arrival.

James met her eyes across the pool and the dancing reflections of the water dared them to break the silence.

_Pathetic_

A hostile itch licked at Lily's palm, but she suppressed the urge to soothe it refusing to be the first to break their stare.

His face was a pebble miles under the sea, untouched and smooth, but his eyes offered a glimpse of the hesitant battle the raged beneath the masking surface.

If she hadn't been drinking she would have dismissed all the things she could see about him in the moment, but the fuzziness of her brain made her resolute in her instincts.

He was an unwilling magnet, drawn to engage her and yet a slingshot desperately tried to catapult him back into the safety of the Simmons' home.

Forever they held their ground until finally James relented and edged backwards towards the house. His gaze held her hostage as he continued to retreat as if he feared to turn his back on her for even a moment.

"Are you happy now?" Her bitter words made contact just as his hand grazed the doorknob.

Her question made no impact as if she hadn't spoken at all.

"Are _you _happy now?" Emotion suddenly captured his detached expression, building in his eyes and spilling into the rest of his face without warning. His pointed reply settled into the space between them.

"It's kind of hard to be happy when I realize how _pathetic _I am." She matched her stout words with a solid pull from the tall bottle she nursed.

Like a hawk she watched every hint and clue he allowed to determine a reaction. There was only a flash of reluctant apology before he smoothed himself back into indifference.

Cautiously he began to move towards her, but she could see that he battled the decision all the way to his spot beside her.

They were silent as his legs joined hers beneath the glassy surface of the pool. Lily's gaze became transfixed on their wiggling toes within the distorting water.

He helped himself to a drink, picking up her friend (really her best friend at the moment) and took a long swallow.

"You seem different." He said finally.

"Are you going to pity me and tell me how sad you think I am?" The bitterness had evaporated as quickly as the misting water into the hot air and it was replaced by curiosity and nothing else. "Why does everyone think that just because I'm different it's a bad thing?"

"Why are you drinking?" He asked with little interest.

She hated this game of questions responding to questions, but with James it was different. It was like he was trying to tell her something she already knew.

"Because I want to."

"Why are you dressed differently?"

"Because I want to be."

"Then why does it matter what anyone thinks?" He said flippantly. She desperately wanted it to be as easy as he made it sound. "Sirius is worried about you."

"I only realized tonight that I asked everyone not to owl me because I would be staying with my sister." She admitted more freely that she would have without the help of her friend, Mr. Cheap Whiskey. "She moved to Sweden and sold her flat."

"Aren't you going to ask me where he is?" James didn't look upset. He was speaking again like he could see something she couldn't. She really hadn't thought to wonder where her boyfriend was at the party.

"Oh yes, I suppose I should go find him." Her mouth said, but her body didn't obey. It wasn't necessarily that she didn't want to see Sirius. She didn't want to see anybody.

"He went to live with his Uncle for the summer. Apparently the old man is having some realization late in life and he's trying to make up for it by reaching out to Sirius. They're in Ireland."

It was time for another shot.

"Why don't you need me, James?" She meant to say love or like, but it was too late to correct it.

He laughed- not in a cruel way, but as if he really did find her amusing. She _was_ pretty drunk. "What does need have to do with anything?"

"Everyone else lets me love them. They need me." She slurred and tried to use her hands to emphasize her point, but they were heavy and incompliant.

"Love isn't about need, Lily. The true real kind is often about nothing at all. That's why it is so special."

"No one has ever loved me like that." She admitted feeling oddly detached from the realization. "I guess to you, I will always be pathetic."

He grimaced and once again she was treated to a glimpse of remorse. "Have you ever given anyone the chance?"

"I'm trying." She told him forcefully. "I seem different, James, because I am. I've been terrified about coming back to this life. In theory it's lovely to think that I'm finding out who I really am and I'll come back and everyone will instantly love me and I'll know it. But it's not going to happen that way. People don't want to accept my bad qualities. All they see is Lovely Lily."

She drew in a shaky breath before continuing. "Except I can't anymore. I like to drink firewhiskey. I can be petty and jealous. I don't want to dress like a five year old! I'm as randy as a fifteen year old boy most of the time. I like to say things I really mean even if they are harsh. I want to slap my friends in the face for leaving me alone this summer! I want to turn my sister's husband into the fucking walrus he already looks like! I want to tell Severus he's an idiot. I like to curse! Damn! FUCK! Shit!"

And even though she was shouting he looked at her like he did before she had started things with Sirius.

His eyes- his _seeing_ her- had never fully disappeared, but she hadn't realized how different his gaze could be.

She was red faced and out of breath, but she felt light. She had never felt so free in entire life.

"I never thought you were pathetic." His golden flecked irises drilled into her. "I was so angry that night, but not at you. I don't know why, but I just see you. You try so hard and it's so obvious. You're not happy and the only way I could make you see it was to let you know that I saw through it all."

Their faces were close, but the air between them did not spark with romantic expectations.

She felt exposed knowing all he could see about her. It was like standing in front of him starkers without the slightest urge to flinch.

It wasn't the time to question it though. She'd had her fill of revelations due to James Potter.

"Whiskey, are you going to introduce me to the infamous boyfriend?" Baker finally found her. His face had returned to its mischievous shine and whatever misunderstandings that occurred were dismissed for the present.

She stumbled to her feet. She had been intoxicated sitting down but the alcohol seemed to seize every limb as she stood. "He's in Ireland. This is James Potter my-."

She didn't have a good way to explain their relationship. They were never really friendly.

"-fellow charming Gryffindor and also her boyfriend's best mate." James filled in shaking Baker's hand with a pleasant smile. "Honor's older brother, right? Aren't you an Auror?"

"That would be me." He stared at James strangely. "It's a bit odd meeting the son of the people who practically built the Auror program. Your mum and dad are real heroes, mate. What are they up to now?"

Lily didn't know anything about James' parents being Aurors. Her black haired friend took it in stride. "They'd love to hear that. They just focus on bugging me now. It's a bit tough to be mischievous with those two around."

"I'll bet." The two boys laughed. "When do you start the program?"

James looked uncomfortable. "It's not really in my plans at the moment. No offense, but the department has gone in a different direction since my parents left and I'd rather focus on a more hands on approach."

Baker looked like he wanted to question the younger man further, but James cut his eyes swiftly to Lily who was swaying dangerously by the pool.

"Seems a bit dense for a girl who can't swim to be tottering beside a pool while impaired." James teased her while Baker pulled her towards him.

She started to correct him. She could swim, just not well. She had always told Sirius she couldn't so he wouldn't try and make her go skinny dipping.

"Whiskey, it seems you've ended the party early." Baker told her and then directed his attention to James. "I'll get her back to her flat."

With her head buried in Baker's shirt she missed James' response.

She was being led through the house before she knew it and she pretended not to notice the stares. They were either watching her because she was a drunk prefect or because Baker was not her boyfriend, but either way she didn't like it. Why did they think it was their business?

More importantly- why should she care what they thought?

"Lily, wait!"

When she turned with Baker's assistance it was Remus staring back at her. Speaking seemed hard so she stared at him silently waiting for him to state his business.

"Kat's birthday is the thirty-first an-."

"I know when her birthday is!" She cut him off. Her voice was as sharp as a clap. She hadn't even known she could sound so spiteful.

Remus didn't look hurt though. Instead his expression was cautious like he was dealing with a wild animal.

As a strange feeling twisted in her gut she was shocked to feel herself pleased by his response.

Baker had already begun to lead her away, when Remus called after them again. "The party is at James'."

The short trip to the end of the lawn and apparition back to her flat were silent.

Lily had everything in the world to think about and yet no clear thoughts would form. She could only focus on the sweet smell of the deserted alley and then the sound of the creaking door that Baker pushed open to help her inside.

"I liked it." She wiggled out of his hold and declared challengingly.

"What?" He didn't rise to her obviously confrontational statement.

"If I lose it all, I don't care because tonight I didn't do what everyone wanted me to. So if you think I'm an evil tart who is foul mouthed and rude then… I would have to agree with you, but I'm not going to apologize for it. If you don't want to be my friend anymore because I'm still at Hogwarts or for whatever else then I'll miss you, but I liked it."

"I liked it too." He admitted with a chuckle. "It even got me going a little bit."

She giggled drunkenly at his crude leer.

"And as for us being friends, I have to be honest." Baker's face settled into a solemn promise. "You couldn't get rid of me if you tried. I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was shocked my best mate was the same tart that my little sister has been complaining about for the last six years."

Easily he shifted into his normal rogue smile at her giggles.

She wondered how dark wizards ever found him intimidating. Sure, his muscles were defined and his scar was a vulgar reminder of violence, but those ever twinkling eyes and goofy laugh would never be frightening.

Clumsily she flopped back onto the bed. Staring at the ceiling, the room spun around her. She closed her eyes quickly so she could whisper. "It's so much harder to hide here."

Baker ruffled his dirty blonde hair when she looked at him. It had to be a left over habit because the scruff was too short to do anything but flutter under his fingers. She wondered if he had long hair at Hogwarts. She imagined he had impacted the ladies of Hogwarts in a big way- maybe as bad as Sirius.

"You know that's not the real you either, right Whiskey?" His weight pulled at the side of the mattress. He didn't take his usual spot beside her though, choosing to remain seated at the end of the bed. "Bloody good start though."

He was right. Just because she could do what she wanted didn't mean that she always should. She shouldn't have been rude to Remus or gotten so blitz, but she couldn't bring herself to regret those things either.

Maybe, making mistakes was all relative.

Her change in wardrobe wasn't a mistake. But she'd been thinking about it in all the wrong ways. It wasn't about how the clothes she wore made her look to other people. It was about how her clothes made her feel about herself.

A deep yawn stretched her jaw and she rolling onto her side pulling her knees into her chest. The position made her feel tiny and young.

She could almost swear for a moment with her eyes closed that she could hear her father snoring deeply two doors down. That sound, so long ago forgotten, made her feel warmth in the very pit of her chest.

It was the safest feeling in the entire world and even though it was only a memory it pushed her into the best sleep she'd had since her parents had died.

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**Author's Note**: _This chapter took a little longer than normal, but I'd say it's still faster than the majority of other stories. It needed a MAJOR facelift and I'm in the middle of moving states so it wasn't exactly my first priority. Hopefully, next time it will be even quicker! _

_I'm so thrilled that my story has found people to appreciate it! This chapter definitely had a different vibe than the others, but it fits into the scheme of Lily's life changing. _

**To reviewer "Ally"-**_ I just want to thank you for your always insightful reviews. You really think about the characters and I LOVE discussing a well rounded character arc! I put a lot of thought and effort into my characters so your feedback makes me giddy _

_And thanks to all my other reviewers as well! I think I replied to everyone who had questions, but if I missed you- review again! _

To answer my first question about your favorite band of the moment- _my favorite band of the moment is The Head and the Heart ("Rivers and Roads" is on repeat on my ipod right now). I loved hearing everyone's favorite bands and I even downloaded a few suggestions so thanks! _

My second question was the first book that inspired you- _mine is __Gone with the Wind__. I have a serious thing for characters and Scarlet O'Hara is my very favorite one._

This chapter's question-

**What's the first movie or television show that ever made you cry? **


	5. Chapter Five

**Love and Other Tragedies**

Author's Note: _Sorry for the delay. As I mentioned I've moved states, and we've had a bit of an internet issue that I wish I could say has been resolved, but alas I'm posting this from a library and can't promise any sort of regular updating as of right now. However, I have not forgotten this story and I plan on continuing to post when I can._

**If anyone needs a refresher, here's a brief (well, I tried) synopsis.**

Previously: Lily has been dating Sirius since fifth year. She has three dorm mates: Evie (eccentric blonde), Kat (tiny spitfire), and Marley (who mostly hangs out with Honor Simmons and Emmeline Vance). One night James confronts Lily and tells her she's 'pathetic.' During summer break has nowhere to go and ends up setting up a new life in Diagon Alley where she works at The Leaky Cauldron (and is known as Pepper), lives above Magical Menagerie (where Mr. Price calls her Ms. Evans), and is best mates with a twenty-four year old Auror who calls her Whiskey and who she calls Baker (actually named Harland and is fellow 7th year Honor's brother).

Thanks to Evie, Lily's hair is darker and no longer curly. Lily has become taken with a knut sized turtle named Harvey and Mr. Eeylops is running the menagerie. She attended a party with Baker where she was reunited with Honor, Remus, Marley, and James. She ends up drunk and talking to James by the pool. Remus invites Baker and Lily to Kat's birthday on August 31st at James' house.

**Chapter Five **

**Bloody Perfect**

It wasn't until two weeks after Honor's party that Lily realized how soon her summer would be coming to an end. Rushing back to her flat after a very long night at the bar she had nearly trampled over a group of Hogwarts age students with their brimming bags of books and robes in tow.

They didn't seem to recognize the dirty, tired barmaid as the same girl who wore a shiny prefect badge and hung around the Marauders at school, but Lily was still disturbed by their reminder of her return to life.

The reminders did not stop there though. The very same morning she was greeted by a brown owl sent to deliver her Hogwarts' letter.

She hadn't even bothered to open it.

Noise from the shop below had never really bothered her, but now it bellowed at her all day. She cast spell after spell to dull the volume, but true to Mr. Price's word, the flat had somehow formed a tolerance to magic. Students gathered at the menagerie, all of them eager to purchase a new pet.

Lily didn't buy any books or robes or any other type of supplies. She didn't talk about it. She was in denial.

The whole summer Lily and Baker had spent a lot of time together, but they became nearly inseparable as September loomed ahead of them.

He understood not to push her into talking about going back to Hogwarts and she knew not to talk about his return to work, and as these things tend to happen, both things fell on the same day.

So while Lily would be boarding the Hogwarts Express, Baker would be leaving on an Auror mission for the next six months.

Their silent arrangement worked perfectly until three days before September First.

"Should I make plans for the thirty-first?" Baker knew better than to look at her when he asked. His expression strained to look casual, focused on his butterbeer.

After a full summer at The Leaky Cauldron, Lily looked comfortable behind the bar and all the men who had come to see Tom's pretty new barmaid in June now thought of her as a part of the environment.

She wasn't a novelty anymore. She had earned her place with them listening to their problems and making their drinks just as strong as they liked them.

Instead of answering her friend immediately she wandered down the bar to serve another customer.

When she returned to stand in front of his spot she held her head high daring him to look at her. "I should go."

He waited for her to continue, fully aware that her reply most certainly wasn't an answer.

"She's my best mate." Talking about Kat was like talking about a good book she had read years ago. It felt surreal.

She tried picturing the Kat she knew in her head with her tiny frame and black fringe that always hung into her eyes. But Lily couldn't produce a proper image. Kat was always taller than she really was or had suddenly grown the chest she'd always envied.

"I'm your best mate." Baker corrected with a scowl. "This Kat character can be your replacement best mate."

How very like her Auror to be jealous of a slip of a girl half his size. Lily rolled her eyes at him. "I think she might argue that you were her replacement, and believe me she would argue."

"Oh… a feisty one?" He wiggled his eyebrows appreciatively.

"Wanker." She accused of his always perverted thoughts.

He spoke after a pause. "You're angry."

She started to tell him to shove-off if he thought after all the things that had come out of his mouth that she would be angry after that nearly innocent comment, but he finished his thought before she could.

"Not at me- at your friends."

"Why would I be angry?" She was perplexed by his reasoning. She was worried about her friends not accepting her.

"It would be cheating if I told you."

She couldn't halt her glare. "Okay, _Harland_."

The use of his real name earned her a hard look in return.

"I'll pick you up at your flat, _Lily." _

The next day Lily was confronted with her first task of defeat.

She couldn't fight off what was coming any longer and as she dug through her stash of accumulated money to find Evie's contribution for Kat's birthday present, she realized that she'd done quite well for herself.

She would definitely have enough gold for her school books as well as a few new clothes. However, most importantly Lily had exactly enough extra money to make one very special purchase.

Harvey, the Knut sized turtle, from the menagerie had never been purchased through the summer, but he'd be getting a new home at Hogwarts with her.

Today was her last free day and it was time to face facts. In two days she would be boarding the Hogwarts Express just as she had done every year since she was eleven. She would be stepping back into the world that was so dangerous for her unstable happiness.

She had found the first strings of happiness in Diagon Alley and she refused to take a step backward on September first.

She wouldn't have Baker there for support or the comfort of knowing that people accepted her like they did here, but she would have Harvey. It was impossible to be sad with her tiny green friend.

Getting ready for the long day of errands, Lily let her dark straight hair hang around her. It was amusing that she had been so afraid that her changed hair would be something to push away her identity, when in the end whenever Lily caught a glance of the long locks it reminded her of the people and times she spent here.

It was a reminder that she could be herself and still be loved.

With a sense of dread she eyed the stiff envelope that seemed to mock her.

In front of her the unopened letter held the list of books and supplies that were required for her next year of school. It also held the possibility of a tiny badge that had once been a symbol of everything she worked for.

Now it would only be a reminder of the person she was trying to forget.

Like throwing back shots at the beginning of the summer there was only one way to handle this- quickly and with the hope that she don't throw up.

Ripping into the envelope, the little pin with an insignificant cursive "HG" embroidered into the fabric fell back into her trunk. She pocketed the school supplies list instead.

She would think about everything else later.

She took the door that exited through Magical Menagerie and took a quick peek at Harvey while trying to avoid the horrible worker, Eeylops.

Brand new baby turtles surrounded Harvey with multi colored shells of pink and blue, but his unique emerald color made him easy to spot. The baby turtles had already outgrown him, and she worried he would develop a complex.

Eeylops' presence had cut down on her time spent with the animals and she felt guilty thinking Harvey might suspect she'd forgotten him.

She would be making it up to him in a big way soon enough though and she smiled stopping to pet a new litter of kittens that were for sale on the way out.

It was disappointed that Mr. Price wouldn't be back in the shop before she left. She would have liked to thank him for the loft and the kindness.

First on her list was the present for Kat. Evie had specified the purchase of a charm bracelet that she'd seen last summer at a little boutique that Lily had never seen before.

Her path took her right past The Broom Closet and she spotted Baker's friends in the window exactly where they had been seated when Lily had met them.

Maureen's Cupboard for the Stylish Witch was a charming store. It was full everything from unique jewelry to posh clothing. As promised a wide variety of charm bracelets were in a case near the back and she quickly found one that fit Evie's budget with appropriate style. A glimmering "K" charm caught her eye and she had it wrapped separately for Kat from herself.

While she waited for the worker to wrap her gifts, she fingered a few pieces of clothing.

She held up a black dress to her body admiring the daring backless silhouette. It was short stopping above the knee and while the front was modest, cutting elegantly under her collar bone with short sleeves, the back was as nonexistent.

"You should try it on." The pretty woman behind the counter encouraged.

Lily pulled at the luscious material thoughtfully. "I've never worn anything like this before."

"We've got some lovely pastel dresses as well, if those are more your color."

It was either the word pastel or the inclination of style, but next thing Lily knew she was in a blue curtained dressing room admiring the soft curve of her back.

The rich black color made her skin look like smooth cream and contrasted perfectly with her auburn hair. For once she was happy with the darker tone as the redder hue might have been too much.

"Now that is a show stopper." The saleslady whistled when Lily came out of the dressing room. "If my body looked that fit in any piece of clothing I would have it permanently attached to my skin."

Lily couldn't argue. Staring at herself in the mirror she saw exactly what her dorm mates were always complaining about. Her body was all gentle curves and soft arches.

"Only one problem now." A slow smile spread across the woman's face. "Do you have somewhere to wear it to?"

An excited feeling sprouted in her chest for the first time about returning to her old life.

She had the perfect place to wear this perfect dress. There was no way anyone would mistake her for the Lily they knew in this daring number.

After picking out a few other items of clothing, Lily left the boutique to drop her purchases off at the loft.

With her arms free and a cheerful smile she finished the rest of her school shopping. She had spent more money than she intended and she'd just have to miss a Hogsmeade weekend or two to compensate, but it was worth it.

It was three in the afternoon which left her a few hours to sleep before work. It would be her last night at The Leaky Cauldron and she couldn't help but feel a bit sad as she lay down and quickly drifted off.

"Pepper!" A round of applause echoed out through the bar when she entered at the start of her shift.

They were all there. All of her little old men smiled crookedly raising a drink in her honor.

Grinning like an idiot Baker sat in the middle of the crowd obviously having orchestrated her little goodbye party.

She hadn't ever seen the pub so crowded and they all patted her on the back as she passed and some even grabbed her for a hug.

She felt her eyes sting dangerously and fought against the pull purposefully dodging Baker and opting to head behind the bar instead.

She knew she would cry if she talked to Baker.

Every shot she poured was met with a hearty cheer from the crowd and so ensued one of the wildest nights The Leaky Cauldron had seen in a century.

Lily made enough tips to make up all the Hogsmeade weekends she had lost at Maureen's and even put some into savings.

The rowdy environment sustained until later than ever before and even though Tom wasn't there, he sent someone to take over for her early as a farewell gift.

Oddly, Baker had disappeared before midnight and she never got to thank him for getting everyone to participate.

Lily made it home hours earlier than she normally did and was shocked by how exhausted she was despite her early bedtime.

She was asleep in seconds with a content smile on her face.

Unfortunately, she wasn't smiling when she woke up.

Her head was fuzzy from sleeping too long and half the afternoon had passed leaving her to rush through packing in time to get ready for the party.

Darting around the room she fired off spells trying to remove every bit of evidence that she had lived here. She wanted it to be cleaner for Mr. Price than when she had moved in. He had taken a chance on her and she owed him a lot for his small kindness.

She didn't waste any time jumping into the bath and using her wand to do what she could to speed up the getting ready process.

This summer had improved her "muggle" mindset too, she supposed.

When Baker arrived she was pulling on her simple heels as the finishing touch. Uncharacteristically, he remained silent as she grabbed her handbag and took her time running her hands through her hair letting the soft curtain tickle her naked back.

" 'lo, Whiskey." He said softly in greeting.

He looked utterly shag worthy in dark dress pants and muted green shirt that exactly matched the color of his eyes. The shirt hung across his defined chest and she restrained from running her hand down his hard abdomen. She knew how it would feel and the sheer physical attraction made her tingle. "You look lovely."

Lovely. Lovely Lily. It made her irrationally angry at him.

She reined it in quickly though. He couldn't help that the sincere compliment was a reminder of the nickname that described every bit of pathetic that she had been.

It wasn't his fault that lovely was all she'd ever been seen as.

Baker had found out directions to James' house from Honor, who was apparently just bursting at the seams for the "party of the year."

Baker told her all about Honor's incessant excitement that everyone from Hogwarts would be there along with the last few graduating classes as well.

He made Honor seem like a silly little girl, and Lily took a second to speculate if he realized that she and Honor were the same age.

After they apparated to the small village nearest the Potter Estate, Baker dragged them into a tiny muggle pub for her "nerves."

She had to agree that a quick shot of firewhiskey would do wonders for her anxiety.

Sitting at a table Lily watched Baker chat with the bartender.

A few men and women were sprinkled throughout the dim space, and Lily noticed them eyeing her. She ignored it though and gave her best mate a big smile when he returned.

"A whiskey, for Whiskey." He spoke, an unbearably charming smile playing across his lips.

"Bullocks." She giggled at her earlier stupidity. "A summer away from muggles has made me so… witch. I forgot muggles don't drink firewhiskey."

"And wizards don't drink whiskey." He sat a shot in front of each of them. "So a summer with you has made me so… muggle."

They were treading on dangerous ground. She wasn't ready to think of the summer as the past yet. If it was over then he would be gone.

The horrible stinging seemed to grip her throat scooping into her chest and she fought against it for the millionth time this summer.

She hadn't cried once though. Not when she had been without a home, not when she was hopeless, not when everyone didn't care enough to ask, she hadn't shed a tear and she wasn't going to start now.

Hastily she swallowed the shot hoping to chase away the stinging. He made a face.

"Well, I was going to have a toast to my first shot of your muggle liquor, but okay- here goes."

The whiskey hadn't done the job, but Baker had. How easily he could make her pain go away.

The leisure walk up to the gate of the estate was cool and Lily's feet remained comfortable in her heels thanks to a charm she'd done earlier.

Baker held her hand and she laughed loudly at all his jokes and come-ons.

They stopped at the gate, mutually understanding she needed one last second before being so completely immersed back into her old world.

He didn't speak and for that she was thankful.

They lingered just before the entrance. With one insignificant step, she wouldn't be Whiskey anymore and he wouldn't be Baker.

But why?

Why couldn't she stay in her little flat in Diagon Alley and be a barmaid at The Leaky Cauldron for the rest of her life?

It would be so easy. She could be Whiskey, or Ms. Evans, or Pepper forever.

But because Baker somehow knew her better than anyone she'd ever met, he sensed her hesitation and took the step into the gate before her.

Because that's what friends are. They take the step forward when you can't.

"Alright, Lily?" He held his sturdy hand out to her and she didn't even pause wrapping her smaller one in his.

Giving him a small nod she said. "Thank you, Harland."

And she meant it about everything.

The sounds of the party echoed around them despite their distance from the towering residence.

The young guests had spilt out of the house onto the lawn, but no one recognized the beautiful witch with Honor's older brother as they passed into the dwelling.

Stepping over the threshold Lily dropped Baker's hand and nervously gripped Kat's presents with both hands.

"I'm going to find Abbott and some of those guys. They're supposed to be here too." He referenced his Hogwarts' friends that Lily had met earlier in the summer at The Broom Closet. "If you need me…"

She nodded in understanding. If she needed him, Baker would be there for her.

She had a feeling he always would be.

James' house was beautiful. As nervous as she was she could still appreciate the majestic abode. The entranceway was grand with a staircase that belonged in a classic novel. The atmosphere was sleek, yet somehow comfortable. She bumped into people in the heavy crowd, but she hadn't found any of the people she needed too.

Strange that she'd been dreading being in this setting again and when she was here ready to face her life, it was nowhere to be found.

Again

Something about that tickled her mind and she remembered Baker's words a week ago at the bar about being angry.

But she wasn't angry. Why would she be? It didn't make sense.

Right?

Of course they were there.

Finally after making her way through rooms of people she didn't care to see and somehow none of them seeming to see her in return, she found the boys who could still stop her with their undeniable magnetism.

The Marauders could have been holding court in the large sitting room she found them in.

This room was fuller than the others and the Marauders were at the head of it all. Three couches and two armchairs were placed strategically facing each other with a giant fireplace as the centerpiece.

Random students decorated the furniture, all subconsciously leaning towards the fireplace where the Marauders made themselves comfortable.

Blonde hair glowing after a summer in the sun, Peter had his back propped against the bottom of the fireplace staring in almost rapture of his friends. Remus was seated, separated from the others by Peter's back, on the ledge smiling warmly and Sirius sat on the other side telling a story that had everyone else in the room in stitches.

And then there was James Potter.

His back was pushed against the wall opposed to Sirius and Remus who sat on the edge. He looked relaxed and his face interested but not enraptured. His tan made him almost unfairly attractive and she could see his quidditch muscles pulling against his white shirt from a summer of hard work.

Her hand worked against her side as she tried to cure the forgotten itch where so long ago he had placed his lips.

It felt like another lifetime- certainly another Lily.

He was staring at her, of course.

For the first time in Lily's entire life, her stomach flipped.

It felt like she was going to throw up and cry and explode from happiness all at the same time.

She wobbled in the doorway unprepared and unsure exactly what had just occurred. No one noticed her place a steadying hand on the door frame. All she could do was stare right back at him.

She wondered if this was why he stared at her all the time, not because he wanted to, but because he simply couldn't help it.

It was terrible. Her heart felt heavy and she thought for a moment she might be having a fit.

It wasn't fair.

Somehow James Potter still saw her. She had walked through a house full of people she knew and he was the only one her saw her.

"Lily?" It wasn't James who spoke, but a tiny black haired girl who sometimes went by the name of Lily's best mate.

Kat was sandwiched on the settee closest to the Marauders and she had gone unnoticed before because of her spot between two tall boys who almost hid her from view.

"Happy Birthday!" Lily exclaimed wanting to dispel any awkwardness from her staring match with James.

Unfortunately, this drew the attention of every single person in the room who all stared at her in return.

"Wow.. you look… wow!" Bouncing quickly to where Lily loitered near the door, Kat grabbed her into a hug. "I'm a bit mad at you for your disappearing act this summer, but that's no business for parties! Presents? For me?"

She felt the tingle of anger again.

Lily hadn't disappeared.

Kat had left her to fend for herself knowing Lily had nowhere to go. They had both known that day in the train station that Lily was only trying to make Kat feel better.

Lily didn't have anyone, but Kat was right- that was no business for parties.

"Of course they are yours!" She tried on a cheerful smile. "One's from Evie. We had it all planned before she left. Couldn't let you think your best mate had forgotten your birthday."

After opening the presents and gushing over them for a proper amount of time, Kat flitted away to be a good birthday girl and talk to all the other guests.

The problem was that Lily was left to her other reunions now.

She approached the fireplace carefully. In a hopeless attempt to regain her composure she took extra time to elegantly skirt through the crowd and furniture to greet the boys.

James wasn't holding court with his friends anymore. He was long gone by the time she arrived in front of the others.

"Now mates, wouldn't you say this bird looks a bit like my girlfriend?" Sirius' voice was as equally harsh as it was teasing. "Couldn't be though because last I heard my Lovely Lily was unreachable at her sister's flat in London. She also has a different color of hair and certainly doesn't own that dress."

She stared at him for a beat listening to his voice get harder by the word.

People around them stopped their conversation to listen and Peter's eyes darted around nervously.

"Terribly sorry, dear." She felt a bit repulsed that this didn't sound more uncharacteristic coming from her. She wanted it to sound sarcastic and when she continued she was sure he got the message lost in her first statement. "Let's not make sure I'm okay. Let's not make sure my life hasn't gone to rubbish. Let's talk about Evie's fucked up hair potion and my bloody dress!"

If his voice had been harsh, then hers was ice.

She was full of anger.

It hadn't come from his words though; it appeared those had only been a catalyst.

Baker was right again, she was furious. She had been since she stepped foot off the Hogwarts Express at the end of last year.

On Sirius' part, he looked down right flabbergasted. His body was reclined slightly away from her like he had been slapped. But her hand didn't sting in the way a slap would leave it so she was pretty sure she hadn't.

Lovely Lily was gone and it was very clear to everyone in the room. Their stares nearly suffocated her and she fled quickly through the nearest doorway.

Sirius grabbed her arm whipping her around to face him through her own momentum. Her physical disadvantage irritated her and she shouted. "Oh, shove off!"

He let her go then and soon she was back in the entranceway. She was tempted to take the marble swirling stairs to the second level of the house, but she resisted. It seemed off limits.

"Lily, there you are!" Marley popped up in front of Lily. Her short blonde curls bounced like springs around her face. The pink ends were only slightly discolored now. "I heard you had arrived. Everyone's talking about your new look."

Marley had her by the hand and Lily allowed herself to be unknowingly pulled wherever her dorm mate wanted.

When Lily didn't speak, Marley spoke to fill the silence.

"It's really not fair. You already had a handsome boyfriend and now it seems you'll probably steal everyone else's without even meaning too. I think I'd hate you if you weren't so bloody modest."

Marley laughed at her own statement and Lily smiled at her sincerely. Marley was a good person through and through.

She had also been leading Lily to exactly where she wanted to be after her slightly irrational outburst- the liquor.

After two shots, Lily heard Sirius was looking for her and she slipped off in the opposite direction.

She ended up in a nearly empty room with a magical piano that played by itself whatever you could request. The only other people in the room were a group of younger students who she thought she recognized as Ravenclaws.

She could always rely on the students of Hogwarts to make it easy for her to hide. She had perfected it after six years, after all.

"I've been looking everywhere for you." For a horrible half second she thought Sirius had found her, but it was Baker instead.

She relaxed with a sigh.

"Come on." His voice sounded strange- professional almost. She followed him into the entranceway she was now familiar with and when he turned to her, holding her by the arms, she knew something was wrong. "I'm leaving."

"Let me tell Kat goodbye and I'm ready too. That's kind of perfect actually."

"Last night at the bar I got a summons to be on alert for the possibility of immediate leave and that's why I left so early. I just got the summons. I'm leaving for the mission now. I should have apparated immediately, but I had to say goodbye."

For some reason all Lily could focus on was the scar on his face.

Why had she never asked him how he got it?

She couldn't speak. Instead she stared at him numbly. The summer was the past.

It was over.

Baker was gone.

"You really are my best mate, Whiskey." He pulled at her dark hair that he loved so much as if to memorize it.

She grabbed him because the words wouldn't come out and hugged him fiercely. She wanted to hold onto him longer, but he was pulling away with a kiss on her cheek.

The night swallowed him up as she stared through the open door. He was gone.

"That's what you've been doing all summer?" The cruelness of her boyfriend's voice cut into her raw emotions. "You've been shagging some guy who made you think you had to be something you're not?"

Her broken body leaned forward slightly when Baker had gone. Her chest was almost concave. She thought she might fall over. It was too soon for him to really be gone. She deserved more time.

"You stupid slag!" Sirius misunderstood. If she could speak then she could correct him, but the words still wouldn't come. Her silence enraged him. "Bloody hell! I loved you! I never asked you to change anything. I loved you for exactly who you were!"

He had her backed up to the stairs. With every step backwards all she could do was shake her head. She willed a retort to her lips, but none would come as she walked slowly backwards up the stairs and he continued his advance towards her.

Tripping slightly over the second step, her bum hit the hard marble and she cringed at the harsh blow.

Sirius continued to shout at her, but there were different eyes on her from behind him.

James was standing in the little room off the entranceway.

Her eyes met his behind Sirius and too her complete shock, the flip returned.

Her boyfriend was calling her a slag and accusing her of stepping out on him and she can't feel a thing.

But James Potter meets her eyes and the world spins.

It was enough to give her courage. It also really pissed her off.

"FUCK YOU!" She was so full of anger. It seemed to fill up all the empty space that Baker took with him. She had never felt anything like it before. "I have never shagged, Baker! He was my best friend. Unlike you, he took half a second to quit thinking about himself all the time and realized that something was wrong with me!"

She paused, but only to take deep ragged breaths that were necessary to replenish her starving lungs.

There was nothing but air in her mouth. She tried to continue but there wasn't enough oxygen. She felt sick and reached out for the banister to support her.

"Is this about where we always get off to, Lovely?" Sirius asked in a gentle appeasing way. Her admission about the lack of shagging seemed to have set him right. "I knew it always bothered you, so if you think I haven't noticed then you're wrong. Look, Lily you're perfect. In every single way you are perfect and I need you. We can fix things."

Did he think he was making it better?

"So much worse." She gasped out.

Why couldn't she breathe? Her head felt as light as a balloon getting ready to fly away.

He had known and chose to ignore her unhappiness because it was easier for him. She had let him.

It really was pathetic.

"Why are you acting this way?" He was back to shouting since he hadn't had any luck with settling the situation in a pleasant way. "This isn't like you!"

She heard cruel laughter from behind Sirius and looked around the room for the first time since she had lost her breath.

Black spots penetrated her vision but she could still make out the faces of Kat, Remus, Marley, Honor, Peter, and of course, James.

They had obviously been drawn by the noise and for the most part it seemed they had kept away the other party guests, but stragglers could be seen peeking around doors and through the windows.

Sirius had snapped around at the laughter. His usually perfect hair looked disheveled and unkempt. She had never noticed how coarse the texture appeared.

"What!" Sirius spat at James who been the one who laughed.

James, however, looked shocked by his own behavior as he could only shrug helplessly in return.

She had never seen James look anything but completely certain and despite her uncontrollable gasping, she let out a wheezing laugh.

How could she ever forget that under the charm and playfulness that Sirius was a Black?

It never made sense to her that this smiling boy could be related to that rigid family. But when he turned on her she had never seen anyone look as scary as he did.

He grabbed her by the arms so tightly they would surely bruise.

"What is wrong with you?" The volume of his voice shot to her core. She was shaking and she didn't know if it was from fear or because she was about to pass out.

She couldn't speak for both reasons nonetheless, and just as before-Sirius' anger was spiked by her silence. With a tremendous heave he shook her as if that would force out some sense.

Her already spotty vision was almost faded to black, but she could still make out Sirius being forcibly removed from his spot in front of her.

"For Merlin's sake, Sirius, can't you see she's having a fit or something?" Remus didn't sound like the nice guy she knew. He sounded strong and looked it too, as he dragged away his friend. For Sirius's part, he didn't put up a fight.

James and Kat stared down at her threw a narrow tunnel in her vision.

When had she sat down? She felt drunk, but that couldn't be true. She'd only had three shots.

Kat and James could have been siblings with their matching black hair. They were beautiful, but when Kat reached out to help her, she was turning to James instead.

Nothing made sense at all as the black finally took her and she went limp in his arms.

It wasn't like being asleep though. She could hear sounds and voices and feel some movement. Eventually the world became shapes again and she could breathe.

"Kat says you had a panic attack or hyperventilated or something." James stood across the room from her.

It was a nice room populated by just the two of them. Judging by the quidditch posters, it was his room.

She sat up when she could and even though the room spun slightly she felt almost normal again.

"Better?" He came to sit beside her. Their legs dangled off the side of the bed just as they had done earlier in the summer by the pool.

She preferred sitting side by side with him. This way she didn't have to look into his eyes and experience the horrible flip.

"Loads." She spoke truthfully even though her voice was weak. "Where is Kat?"

"Helping Remus, Peter, and the house elfs put the house straight." The party was over. He stared at his hands. She had the urge to feel the texture of his skin, but thankfully resisted. "She was worried about you."

"I think you and Baker might be the only people who aren't." She admitted. When she thought of Baker she couldn't stop from pulling at her hair. Oddly it seemed a shorter like it was mourning his loss as well. "Sirius might try to have me committed."

She wanted him to laugh at her joke, but he remained thoughtful. "You need to talk to him… calmly."

"Right. No more fits." She tried to smile, but she would bet it looked wrong. It sure didn't feel right. She needed to reassure herself. "I do love him, you know?"

She could feel him looking at her, but she wasn't prepared for the feeling again and kept her gaze forward.

He spoke despite her refusing to look back at him. "When are you going to stop giving love and understand that it is just as important to let someone love you?"

It sounded so easy. It wasn't though and she knew that first hand.

How could she spend a lifetime trying to be someone everyone would love, only to realize that it was useless? It wasn't love if she wasn't real. It was like fake gold. She could have it, but it was worthless. It didn't mean anything.

"Could he love me if I quit being the girl he's always known?" If anyone could answer this question correctly it would be James. He knew Sirius the best.

He shrugged and she risked a glance at him. "Sirius has a way of surprising us all."

It seemed like there was something he wasn't saying, but she let it go. She would think about James some other time.

They left the room and he led her outside to where Sirius sat on a bench.

"I'm really sorry." She could tell that he meant it. She sat beside him, their arms gently touching on the quaint bench. "I lost my temper."

She tried to give him a reassuring face. He was back to looking like her boyfriend again, but somehow that made things harder. "I'm sorry too. I haven't been the model girlfriend this summer."

"What's wrong, Lily?" He asked her softly. His grey eyes were concerned. "I know I should have made things better for you, but you were always so willing to make things easier for me. Everything else is so hard in my life and with you things are just so easy."

She couldn't disagree. Her entire life had been about making things easy for everyone else, and all she ended up with was an impossible journey for herself.

"I don't think we can be together anymore, Sirius."

"What?" He was shocked. It read all over his elegant face. "You don't love me anymore because I didn't tell you what I was doing when I disappeared? It wasn't my secret to tell!"

"It's not about that. You were so content to let me be unhappy, as long as things were easy for you, Sirius. It's not about me loving you… You never loved me." The anger pricked at her again, but it wasn't time for that though. She owed him a proper goodbye. "If you had loved me you would have found a way. You would have made it better for me. I was hiding my real self to make everybody around me happy, desperately hoping to be loved. If you hadn't known then maybe we could have made it, but that's the thing, Sirius. You knew and you never even tried."

He looked puzzled and his voice had a desperate edge as he spoke. "You can't blame me when you never gave me the opportunity. I loved you for being the only things you gave me to love. That was the only thing I knew."

"You're right and maybe I should give you the opportunity to love me for who I really am, but it doesn't change the fact that I was broken and you couldn't see it." She wondered if she would allow herself to cry now.

"Because you never showed me!" His face was red and eyes panicked like it had never even occurred to him that he wouldn't be able to fix this.

"No, because you never took the time to look." She spoke calmly taking his hand in hers. She never meant to make him sad.

In the end no matter who she was, she knew that she would never be someone who enjoyed other people's pain. She just didn't have it in her. Sometimes causing pain was unavoidable like now, but she would never be able to take pleasure in it.

The taste of salt lingered in her mouth, giving him one final kiss and she left him sitting there as she walked into the night.

It was time to go home.

She wondered if she was crying or it was him, but she never turned around to check.

The trip home felt longer without Baker to distract her, and she took her time wandering down the alley for a bit.

This really was goodbye.

She didn't cry though. She took her time taking off her perfect dress and folded the fabric neatly into her trunk the muggle way. She set out her school clothes and robes for tomorrow, taking time to pin the Head Girl badge onto her robe.

There were no more tomorrows to put off her feelings anymore. Tomorrow was a reality.

It was finally time to cry.

So she did. She cried softly letting the tears roll down her face and onto her pillow. She cried because she couldn't hide anymore. She cried for Baker, and Sirius, and her parents, and Petunia, and most of all she cried for James Potter.

Because he had seen her when she thought she was invisible.

And when the tears finally stopped with no sentimental farewell, she wiped her face, rolled over, and went to sleep.

September First was as sunny a day that London would ever see.

Lily got ready with a certain air of finality. Her clothes were laundered and crisp. Her trunk was full and she placed it by the door so she could grab it easily when she came back.

She had one last errand to run before she headed to the train station. Checking her badge was straight one last time, she entered the menagerie.

It was quiet and Eeylops must have been lurking near the owls because she didn't see him.

When she caught her reflection in the mirror behind the counter it stopped her in her tracks.

It was Lily Evans.

Her auburn hair had lightened to its natural tone and full curls fanned around her face. With no emotion she pulled at a curl hoping to appreciate its bounce.

"It seems the old Ms. Evans is back." It was Mr. Price who spoke. He stood behind her and his smiling face was reflected back at her through the mirror. "A Head Girl, too."

"Lily." She smiled and turned away from her reflection to give him a hug. "You can call me Lily."

"The summer has been good to you." She couldn't tell if he was asking or telling so she nodded.

"It's good to have you back, Mr. Price. I can honestly say things haven't been the same without you."

He chuckled with her. "It seems I've returned just in time. Mr. Eeylops has decided to open an owlery right here in Diagon Alley. I came in today to pick up his notice. He'll be leaving at the end of the week."

It would figure that Eeylops would leave when she wasn't forced to see him anymore. He probably did it on purpose.

"I wanted to thank you, Mr. Price. By letting me rent the flat, you gave me something much bigger than you'll ever know." She hugged him again.

He had the kindest smile. He was a very small man to have such a big heart. "Ms. Evans as you assured me, you are both a woman of your word and a very good Gryffindor. I must thank you as well for your assistance when I was incapacitated."

They hugged one last time and Lily had to rush out to make it to The Leaky Cauldron on time. She had to pick up her last bit of gold from Tom. It was the money that was going to buy Harvey.

Tom was behind the bar as always. He poured a drink for a witch and for once he actually smiled which made him look ten years younger at least. He might have been handsome once if the bar hadn't sunk into the very depths of his soul.

As easy as it would be to stay here forever as a barmaid, it would never really be Lily.

It would just be one more way to hide, like trading one disguise in for another.

It made her sad for herself and sad for Tom. Was it a disguise for him?

"I thought you'd forgotten and I wasn't going to have to pay you." He admitted disgruntled.

"Sorry." She said offering him a weak smile.

He growled something else that Lily didn't catch and she followed him down the bar to where he kept the gold.

"Did you ever find whatever it was you were looking for?" He didn't look at her when he asked, instead focusing on the wages he counted out with his hands.

She started to ask him what he was talking about, but she had worked in the bar all summer. She had seen it in people loads of times. She could just sense there was something missing.

Tom had sensed it in her, it seemed.

"Well, I found a lot of what I'm not looking for and what I'm not anymore." She admitted.

"Sometimes that's the first step, Pepper."

She liked the way that sounded.

Maybe, it was true.

Wrong turns didn't mean a wasted journey; they just meant you could appreciate the right way even more when you found it.

After he handed her the gold, she thanked him and began to walk away before his voice stopped her.

"Did you ever wonder why I called you Pepper?"

"I was under the impression you actually thought that was my name." She told him with a laugh.

He sent her a half glare before speaking again. "It was because of that awful dress you wore in here the first night. I thought to myself 'any girl who has the guts to wear something that awful must be a little spitfire' and I was right you are as spicy as any pepper."

With a great laugh she left The Leaky Cauldron.

She was running exceptionally late and had to jog all the way back to Magical Menagerie almost knocking over a young girl exiting the shop with a small box that was used for smaller animals.

She rushed to Harvey's cage and went to scoop him out.

He was gone.

"Mr. Price?" She called out into the empty shop.

Heavy, unstable footsteps signaled Eeylops coming through the store but she would never be prepared for the horrible squawk of a voice. "What do yer want?"

"Where's Mr. Price? I wanted to buy the little green turtle that's been here all summer." She felt slightly panicked. She had saved all summer. It couldn't be too late.

"All the turtles are gone." She could feel him taking pleasure from her panic. "Little girl just bought the last one. She almost didn't want it- said the color was wrong, but I talked her into it."

If she had even two minutes to spare she would have cursed him silly, but she didn't so she promised herself to be sad about Harvey later.

Rushing to the front of the store she stared into the box of kittens. She wanted something to take with her. She needed a reminder. She liked the kittens too and they were slightly less expensive than the turtles.

With no time to spare she reached into box and pulled out a turquoise one. It mewed sweetly at her.

She was about to take it, when she spotted the smallest kitten in the box. Unlike the others vying for attention, the little thing was sleeping. It reminded her of Harvey.

She scooped the sleeping kitten up, but she didn't even have time to admire its perfect Gryffindor gold color.

She paid and dropped the still sleeping kitten into the deep pocket of her robe. In a flash she had her trunk from upstairs and shrunk it down.

Lily apparated into an alley across from the station. She didn't even get to look at her flat one last time.

Hurrying through the crowds she truly thought she wouldn't make it, so when she burst onto the platform she felt a pleased jolt shoot through at the sight of the crimson train.

It had already started moving when she jumped onto it. Finding the luggage cart she left her normal sized trunk there with her robe inside after she had collected her kitten and badge. It was too hot for a robe.

The kitten eyed Lily sleepily when she pulled her out, but she didn't have time to get to know her new pet yet. Shoving her badge into her pocket, she hurried off to the prefect compartment.

Out of breathe she collapsed into an open seat. She was happy to note she wasn't the very last person to arrive. One other student darted in after her.

"I guess we should begin then?" James asked the room awkwardly.

_Wait- James?_ He wasn't a Prefect.

"I'm the Head Boy this year, it seems." He continued looking around at the other faces of the room. He sat at the head of the compartment with an empty seat beside him. She supposed the other seat was for Head Girl. "Should we wait for the Head Girl to arrive?"

The aimless vibe of the room set the Prefects on edge. These students valued structure.

It was rather unorthodox for a non-Prefect to become Head Boy. He didn't know how things worked like the other experienced Prefects did.

Everyone stared at the other faces in the room expectantly. All of their Prefect badges seemed to scream at Lily and she caught Remus staring at the empty space where hers should have been.

Honor Simmons was the only other person who seemed to make the same assessment of Lily's missing badge and she did so with a scowl that made her pretty face look nothing like Baker's.

"Oh." Lily realized and spoke guiltily as if she might be confessing a crime. "That's me."

Shuffling her golden kitten to the side, she dug in her pocket for the badge. Setting it on the table she made no move to take the seat beside James.

She was perfectly comfortable exactly where she was. The only problem now was that everyone was staring at her instead of James. And even he was focused on her.

The new Prefects sat eager in their seats, faces shinning with anticipation of all the secrets and privileges they were convinced would be presented to them as soon as the Head students began to speak.

Two years ago, Lily had been an overeager 5th year nearly falling off her seat to be as close as possible to the actions that were about to unfold.

The Head Girl that year had the longest brown hair that Lily had ever seen. Her name was Camille Collins and Lily had done everything she could to be like the Head Girl. She had her mother owl her Petunia's old reading glasses that only looked like Camille's stylish spectacles in color, but Lily had proudly worn them for a week until Madame Ward, the school matron, had thrown them away. She said they were destroying Lily's vision and depleting her stash of headache potion.

Lily couldn't remember a single thing about Camille Collins' run as Head Girl.

She could only think of the way her pretty face had sneered whenever she saw Lily. The Head Girl had never been out rightly rude to her, but eventually Lily began to notice the glares and constant assignments to the worst tasks. It had been traumatizing for the girl she idolized to dislike her so much and to this day Lily had never known why.

She wondered what these Prefects would remember about her.

She should say something inspiring and motivating. She should tell them it was an honor to be chosen to represent the school and that no matter what they accomplished from that point forward or if they were chosen as Head Students, that they should be able to look back at this moment as something to be proud of.

It didn't feel like an honor to Lily at the moment though. It just felt like the most established, hard working students of Hogwarts were staring at her like she knew what she was doing.

She wanted to tell them she didn't have any answers and that she was just growing up like they were.

Instead she told them the basic duties of being a Prefect. She spoke like she was reading a script taken from _Hogwarts, A History. _

Her speech was no more worthy of being remembered than Camille Collins'.

She just hoped none of them charmed their hair red or anything. She eyed a heavy blonde that copied every word spoken at the meeting. She'd have to keep an eye on that one.

When the meeting had wrapped up, Lily hurried out tucking her badge in her pocket and securely cradled the kitten in her arm.

Her eccentric blonde dorm mate was waiting outside.

"Oh." Evie pouted taking in Lily's appearance. "You're the same."

"That's very sweet, Ev." Lily's eyes were heavy, but she wasn't sleepy. Life was wearing her down.

"I only meant-." Her friend's blue eyes never dimmed as she linked her fingers through Lily's pulling her along the corridor. "I returned barely ten minutes before the train departed and I've heard more about your miraculous makeover than about Kat's horrible baby sister."

"Must have been radical if it could get Kat to quit talking about herself for five minutes."

Evie paused half a step with a quick shocked glance towards Lily, but otherwise remained cheerfully consistent. She was careful not to leave any space for Lily to speak at all until they stood in front of the door to a compartment.

Lily registered her mistake only after she jerked away from the window an instant too late.

"Lovely?" Evie questioned her cheerfully.

Evie had come to bring her to the compartment that held their friends- _ALL_ of their friends. This included the boyfriend that Lily had broken up with the night before.

She looked like a scared doe bracing herself against the wall with wide eyes. "Did they see me?"

Evie's crazy smile was unfaltering. "Certainly."

It would only make things worse to run away now. She should face this head on. The new Lily would not be a coward.

"Alright then." She straightened her back and tried to run a hand through her hair only to realize it was no longer smooth. Her fingers yanked uncomfortably through the twisting curls, pulling her hair painfully.

Evie led them inside and Lily followed trying to look calm.

She tried a reassuring squeeze of her kitten, but the gold creature scratched her hand in retaliation.

Lily was convinced if she had Harvey to look down at she could have handled this better. He always used to make her feel content and peaceful.

"We thought you'd forgotten your way, Ev. James and Remus even beat you." Kat's words were friendly, but her eyes suspicious as if she suspected Lily had to be dragged kicking and screaming.

It was true. James sat closest to the window with Sirius and Peter filling up the rest of space. Remus and Kat sat across from them and they didn't seem to mind one bit having to squeeze close to one another making room for Evie and Lily.

Once seated there was a tense silence that Lily tried to ease by petting her new pet. The action was met again by resistance. This time it was a bite.

"Bugger!" Lily couldn't help but exclaim sticking the pricked finger in her mouth.

Once she had drawn attention to her golden pet Evie and Kat took turns cooing at her.

"What's her name?" Evie asked trying to coerce the stubborn cat into her lap.

The cat however remained resolutely in Lily's possession staring curiously at the others. Lily didn't try to touch her again for fear of another injury. "Aurora is the only thing I've even considered."

"Oh, because she's gold!" Kat grinned proudly at her quick connection. "Clever and a pretty name."

Lily glanced down at the kitten who stared right back at her.

Aurora's eyes were very green. If Lily had to guess she would say they were a remarkably close color to her own noticeable eyes.

"Not a bit friendly, though, is she?" Evie seemed equally charmed by this development.

Aurora took a swipe at Evie's hand which had settled too close for the kitten's liking.

Lily missed Harvey. He would have charmed all of her friends, unlike this little monster who seemed intent on doing everyone harm.

The conversation turned and the girls and Remus began discussing a series of attacks on muggles that had happened during break.

The distraction gave her time to look at Sirius for the first time.

He looked as handsome as ever. She hadn't noticed the night before how long his hair had grown and she felt a pang knowing how she always told him she loved it when his hair fell into his eyes. Had he grown it out for her?

An abundance of guilt began to fill her and she searched for the anger that was making this day so much easier to deal with.

As long as she could remembered their slights then she could get through this.

If he had grown it out it was because he thought it looked best that way. He had never done anything before with the sole intentions of pleasing her so there was no reason for him to have started.

She refused to romanticize him.

But why did he have to be so deliciously attractive? It wasn't fair the things he could do with his lips…or fingers.

"So who was the lucky Head Girl, James?" As if her staring at him had called him to speak, Sirius questioned his best mate. There was an edge to his voice almost like he was taking sinister joy in the question.

James looked unsure, his hazel eyes darting to Lily's questioningly.

She had forgotten again. "Me."

Lily had captured everyone's unwanted attention once again. She really wasn't looking forward to making a habit of it.

"Where's your badge then?" Sirius asked bitterness lacing his voice.

He had thought she wasn't selected and wanted to rub it in her face.

So that was how it was going to be. Sirius Black would be playing the role of jilted ex while she would be starring as the evil bitch.

"I have it." She responded vaguely.

No one added anything to this line of questioning and Evie and Kat stared at their laps. Lily was already growing tired of their bazaar behavior. She knew they had to have something to say.

"Congratulations." Remus spoke eventually, but with sincerity.

Peter gave her a genuine grin that she couldn't help but return. "I'll bet you're the best Head Girl Hogwarts' has seen in a century."

Without another word about her new position, conversation was directed towards everyone's summers.

Kat had plenty to say about her infant sister who she called Monster, but let it slip her actual name was Medina. Calling her Monster was actually one of the nicer things Kat had to say and the group laughed easily at Kat's exaggerated distaste.

Surprising absolutely no one, Evie had collected some type of lover who was on the older side. Lily noticed she didn't specify much about him including just how much older, but Evie did seem to authentically care for this bloke.

The boys took their turns sharing summer stories, but whenever Lily would begin to speak someone would cut her off. She would have liked to tell them about Baker, or her time at The Leaky Cauldron, or maybe even about the hated Mr. Eeylops, but they didn't want to hear.

Lily was resigned to silence by the time she entered the Great Hall.

She shouldn't have worried so much about people rejecting her- they hadn't even given her a chance to disappoint them.

Honor was waving them over, having already wedged herself into prime seats at the Gryffindor table. The others piled into seats with Sirius taking up his normal spot and Honor placing herself to his right.

Honor usually split her time sitting at the Gryffindor table sometimes, but spending the majority of her meals at her own, Ravenclaw table.

It quickly became apparent that the kindness Honor bestowed hadn't been presented to Lily. There were only enough seats for the rest of them leaving Lily to watch her previous spot be swallowed up.

Despite Honor's less than impressive reputation she was still a Ravenclaw and she was smart- certainly intelligent enough to save the proper amount of seats for the whole group.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Lovely." Honor would've looked sincere despite her muddy green eyes which sparkled exactly like Baker's did when he was being mischievous. "I just thought because of recent developments…."

"Actually that's kind of perfect." Lily declared with a cheeky smile.

She couldn't stand one more second of their terrible forced silence. She didn't even bother to explain further as she turned and headed down the table hoping to find an available spot.

She ended up by a nervous group of fourth years, who were nothing more than paranoid by the older student's presence. She recognized one as Ruby Green, the Gryffindor Seeker, but the rest were nameless to her.

The evening commenced and she and James were announced as Head Students. This seemed to only make the fourth years more nervous and she was seriously regretting not picking a completely isolated spot.

Lily's only amusement came from Aurora who pounced onto the table and sauntered around Lily's plate, helping herself to whatever food she wanted.

"Oh, how charming!" Ruby exclaimed, the tips of her plaits resting on the table.

"Not especially." Lily smiled and snatched up her devious little kitten before she could make a toy out of the Seeker's hair.

When dinner was over, Lily sought out Professor McGonagall. James was already there looking attentive and all together very un-James like.

McGonagall glared at the spot where Lily's badge should have been displayed and the fuzzy kitten tucked into her arm.

"See the first years to their dorms and we will meet here when you have finished." The Professor was just as severe as her hair.

The task turned out to be equivalent to taming a hippogriff with crying little girls and teasing little boys.

Aurora looked pleased with Lily's wrecked appearance as she purred happily in the crook of her owner's elbow.

James hadn't faired any better. His already messy hair could have been nesting birds and the clothes that had hung so precisely earlier were now un-tucked and wrinkled.

Then he had the audacity to laugh at Lily's appearance.

She glared in return.

"I trust it went smoothly?" Their Head of House asked stepping out of the empty Great Hall.

The both nodded tiredly.

"This way." Professor McGonagall turned briskly and headed towards the Faculty Dorms without waiting for them to follow.

James and Lily lagged behind her. Their youthful legs burned from all the exertion.

The older woman had stamina.

The walk went on and on, passing random paintings of fruit and spirited suits-of-honor, before they came to a mirror that ran the height of the wall. It was only wide enough for McGonagall to stand in front of alone and she did so with no emotion in her face or stance.

As Lily watched, McGonagall's reflection began to speak and the voice came from the mirror and not the actual person. "State your business."

"I am Minerva McGonagall and it is my duty to show the new Head Boy and Girl to their suites." Professor McGonagall replied to her reflection which stared back unmoving.

"You speak the truth." The reflection agreed and Lily watched as McGonagall stepped forward to meet her reflection and then disappear into mirror in the same way you would enter Platform 9 ¾.

Lily felt a bit mad as she stepped in front of the mirror and watched her reflection speak to her when she knew very well that her own lips were not moving. "State your business."

"I am Head Girl and I am here with Professor McGonagall." Lily tried to phrase her sentence the same as McGonagall had.

Lily's reflection studied her which only added to the surreal effect. "You speak the truth."

She stepped into the mirror and was only met with a cool chill where the glass should have been.

"Wicked." She smiled into the dim stairwell that led upward.

There were only a dozen or so steps before she entered a wide room. It was a comforting cream color where the walls of the huge room were not covered with book shelves.

The door entered more or less the center of the room with a monstrous mahogany desk to the left. The desk was double sided with opposite ends sloping into a personal area already set with school supplies for the both of them.

"This'll do." James spoke coming to stand beside her.

While Lily was more distracted by the bookshelves that covered every wall, James was taking in the oversized couches that were directed towards a beautiful fireplace. Everything was twice the size of the normal furnishings they were accustomed to. It made everything seem grander.

"I'm glad you could join us, Mr. Potter." Professor McGonagall snapped them out of their reverie.

The Head Boy shuffled his feet and smiled in the only way that showed off his dimples. "I had a bit of trouble with the wording."

"If you speak the truth as to your intentions and identity then you shall always be allowed to enter." She explained. "If it is anyone other than the Head students entering then they will need to be specifically invited. If they lie about said invitation they will not be granted access. Prefects are the only other students allowed entrance without specified invitation for Prefect meetings and the same rules apply to them all other times. No type of magic can fool the mirror."

"I need to tell the reflection my business every time I enter?" He sounded put-off by the idea.

"The room recognizes you as Head Boy and Girl now. All that will be required is you to truthfully speak your name."

Lily took all of this in, letting her mind wander into the year ahead of them that this room would witness.

Aurora, apparently bored, clawed at Lily's hand and pranced off when Lily dropped the creature to the floor with little care.

James smirked at her and it caused Lily slight confusion of who she wanted to scowl at more; the unfortunately attractive Head Boy or the evil kitten that had tricked her into buying it.

"As you can see you have everything necessary to have a successful year as Head students." McGonagall gestured around the room. "The book cases are filled with a rare collection of books, some that can be found in Hogwarts' library and some that cannot. There is a sitting area which I'm sure will be used for civil socializing on the rare occasion you find the time, and never for anything frivolous or inappropriate. Since Prefect meetings will now be held in the suite, you will notice there are exactly twenty-five seats at the table. Normally, we have only twenty-four due to the Head Boy being selected from the Prefects, but with the circumstances this year a seat was added."

The long table was situated behind the sitting area.

A chair sat alone on each end for the Head Boy and Girl almost as if they were bookends. Twelve chairs faced the front of the room, while eleven stared back at them.

"Ms. Evans, I am sure as Head Girl you took the time to read over the rules and regulations of the school. You should be well versed in the knowledge that only one pet is allowed per student. You appear to have collected two over holiday."

Lily had quit listening as she soon as spotted the previously unnoticed aquarium on the long table. It was quaint and nothing fancy to it, but it would be perfect for a Knut sized turtle.

Harvey was currently enjoying his new environment with a nap right under the magically enhanced sun. He seemed a bit paler than Lily would have liked but she was sure she could get him to feeling better in no time.

He had already lightened her heart by a load.

"He arrived earlier with a note addressed to you." McGonagall handed her the letter. "However, not even the Head Girl is allowed to break the rules."

"The cat's mine, Professor." James lied easily and somehow he had commandeered the petite monster into his arms. "Mum surprised me with a going away present."

McGonagall didn't seem to care whether this was truth because she gave them a curt nod and encouraged them to explore before exiting their suite with the same brisk fashion she had entered it with.

"I would have just as soon returned the little devil." Lily informed him.

He brushed her off cooing at Aurora sweetly. The golden kitten in return purred happily against him. "Don't blame the little bloke for hating someone who's named him Aurora."

"A bloke? Aurora's a boy? How do you know?"

He showed her.

"Bloody hell!" Lily exclaimed. She had just assumed the cute little thing was a girl. "I guess Aurora really isn't a fitting name at all. Shame too, because I thought it was rather clever."

James launched himself onto the fluffiest couch as he admired the cat. "He's definitely gold."

_Damn it to hell!_ Stupid James Potter studying that the bleeding little cat was making her stomach sick again. She didn't think she could make it through the entire year of it.

He's hands looked so strong nestling the scrawny kitten.

"I'd say…" He held ex-Aurora up into the flickering light of the fire. "As gold as any Snitch."

"I should have known you would find a way to name my kitten after something Quidditch related." She scoffed.

"I like it." He proclaimed proudly. "And I would say Snitch is at least half my cat now. I did claim him and name him, it seems."

"He can be all you cat." Lily replied.

Snitch didn't like that at all though as he pranced over to her edge of the couch and climbed onto her shoulder.

Lily's heart actually warmed a little to the kitten, but that was before he took a clean swipe at her cheek.

James nearly fell off the couch in a fit of laughter. Lily was happy they were teaming up against her so nicely.

"Adorable." She said dryly as she tossed a hissing Snitch into James' lap.

Lily caught sight of a window on the back wall situated in the space between the desk area and the long table.

It ran vertically and was wide enough for her to view the courtyard beyond. Without hesitation she went to the door that sat to the right of the window and entered into what she was sure was going to be her favorite part of the Head Suites.

The courtyard was surrounded on all four sides by brick walls, but if she looked up she could see twinkling stars overhead.

She noticed the temperature was more comfortable than the night air she left when she entered the castle and she wondered what type of charms protected the area.

A square fountain soothed the atmosphere with the natural lullaby that water produced as it cascaded down from a statuesque mermaid's hands. If she wanted to she could have laid in the fountain and spread her arms out never touching the sides.

The courtyard was filled with the scent of fresh water and Lily closed her eyes letting the serenity wash over her.

She let her feet lead her around the perimeter of the stone fountain noticing that while most of the ground was covered by smooth looking stones there was a patch of grass so healthy and plush she had to resist pulling her shoes off and letting it hug her toes.

When she finally reentered the suite she felt light and relaxed. James was unseen but the door further to the left of the back wall behind the desks was open.

Scooping up Harvey in his new home she went to the only remaining unopened door.

Her room, for all the other marvels of the suite, seemed as normal as her dorm.

It was larger than her room at home, the one that burned down, and she figured that the bed was slightly bigger than the one from her dorm, but mostly it just felt comfortable. There was a bookshelf taking up almost an entire wall except for the door she had just entered.

Vainly she was thrilled at the simple vanity on the opposite wall.

Countless mornings of Lily's childhood were spent watching her mother carefully perform all the tasks that made her a woman, in her young daughter's eyes. Pink lipstick and sweet perfumes were organized with care and strictly off limits to Lily and Petunia. Lily could have her own now.

She checked the wardrobe and even though it was perfectly average she felt a thrill of not having to live out of her trunk like she done the entire summer.

It wouldn't be Hogwarts if her trunk didn't sit at the foot of her bed and she smiled at the familiarity of it all.

The only other notable things in the room were the window with a cushioned seat that ran its length and the door which she assumed led to the bathroom.

As always with Hogwarts, she was sure there was more to discover, but it was late and she was exhausted.

Had it only been this morning that she awoke in her dingy loft?

It felt like years.

Harvey was happily placed on the table beside her bed and once she was tucked into her night clothes and in bed, she closed her eyes and she could swear her heart almost sang with content.

125370000

_I don't know if anyone's noticed or maybe I'm just really bad at leaving clues, but I make lots of references to things from the books. _

_I'd love to know if anyone has caught any…_

_I also never write anything or create a character without them having a specific purpose. For instance, the clichéd Head Suites. They play an important role and also have an interesting explanation for their appearance that comes later._

_All I can hope is that anyone who sticks by my story will be pleasantly surprised with how I work some surprising things into the overall cannon world. _

_It would really make my day to hear from anyone still interested in my story after such a long break…So leave a review if you've got a minute or have something to say. Even a "Glad you updated" is appreciated. _

Last chapters question was the first movie that ever made me cry. _My answer would be Tuck Everlasting. I wish I could say something cooler, but that's the truth_.

1 What is the most random place (state, city, country) you've ever visited?


	6. Chapter Six

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Previously: **Lily broke up with Sirius. Baker (Lily's summer best friend) left on an Auror mission. Lily has collected two pets: a kitten named Snitch and a turtle called Harvey. Lily's ex dorm mates, Kat and Evie, are acting strangely, but Lily's too irritated to care. Honor Simmons began poaching the vacancy left by Lily in her old life.

**Chapter Six**

**Hate**

_Dear Ms. Evans, _

_This little turtle has sat in my shop for far too long. Harvey, I believe you call him, belongs with you. Please accept this gift as a small token of appreciation for your work at Magical Menagerie this summer. As well as working alongside Mr. Eeylops. To be honest, I find him rather odd. _

_Have a wonderful year, _

_Mr. Price_

_Owner of Magical Menagerie_

_Diagon Alley_

Lily finally got around to reading the letter that arrived with Harvey after the long and exhausting first day of classes.

To start the horrible day she had to deal with the "bathroom" situation.

And by 'bathroom situation' she meant the fact that apparently along with sharing a desk and living area with James Potter, she was also sharing the loo.

Lily and James' rooms were mirrors of each other on either side of the courtyard. The lavatory made up the back wall while they each had a door on opposite sides of the room.

The luxurious lavatory was meticulously symmetrical. The two separate sinks were connected by one long counter top and backed by a cheeky mirror that had already commented about Lily's wrinkled uniform twice. There were also two shower stalls separated by a tub that was equivalent in size to the one in the Prefects bathroom with matching tabs as well.

Modesty or rather the lack there of, had never been an issue for Lily. She was forgetful of clothing most of the time and also of other people's mindset about the issue.

Her previous dorm mates had eventually grown accustomed to Lily bouncing about the room in her knickers, and even Baker had quickly learned that she had no qualms about her body as he'd witnessed her change clothes right in front of him on several occasions.

The shower stalls were heavily fogged with the intention of preventing anything being viewed beyond them except general size and movement of their occupant, but it was still rather strange knowing that the Quidditch Captain was similarly nude in the very same room.

She was only further flustered by James' seemingly relaxed nature about the whole ordeal.

The boy that had always stared at her didn't seem to even notice her anymore. He didn't even peak.

As for the rest of the day, Lily was beginning to think the position of Head Girl was actually a glorified nanny.

She had long imagined shaping young minds and protecting the school, but the only thing she was shaping were students deformed by stray magic and as for protecting, she supposed teaching first years about proper hygiene would have qualify.

"Tonight's really not good, Lovely. We're up to our ears with this Potions' essay." Kat had told Lily when she asked them to come see her dorm. Lily was up to her ears in eleven year olds and all she wanted was to have a mature conversation.

The first week of term was filled with similar encounters with ex dorm mates and the Marauders.

She had to practically trap Evie in the library one night for school work. The blonde girl had been vague scribbling into a letter for their entire study session.

She couldn't even count on James for a bit of proper interaction because he was even busier than she was with pulling together a Quidditch team that had lost a Keeper and a Beater on top of his Head Boy duties.

She was starving just to speak and be heard.

One night of not rushing all over herself to please them and it seemed they resorted to just avoiding her altogether.

Could her happiness really be so unforgivable?

The first Prefect meeting of the term was scheduled for the middle of September. With nothing else to occupy her she took the pains of making the living area presentable.

Snitch, continuing to be the little terror he was, had ripped up one of the couch pillows and feathers blanketed most of the furniture. After she was done she managed to wrangle the kitten into James' room and trap him so he couldn't damage any of the Prefects.

Honor, who acted as the seventh year Ravenclaw Prefect, was the first to arrive with her counterpart Callum Palmer.

Callum was without a doubt in the running for most attractive bloke at Hogwarts with his light skin and dark curly hair, but he didn't date many girls like the other popular boys. She supposed that had something to do with his quiet demeanor.

Lily had no idea how Callum and Honor had worked together as a couple when they dated back in fifth year.

"Have you heard from Ba- I mean Harland since he left?" She asked as a way of small talk to her guests.

Honor was distracted by her investigation of the Head Suite and merely shrugged at the question.

"You know Honor's brother?" Callum raised an eyebrow at Lily.

She didn't think she had ever heard him speak and it was a shame because Callum had an exquisite accent. It sounded like watered down Scottish.

"We met over the summer when I was working at The Leaky Cauldron." It was nice to actually get to reference something about herself and the lack of practice made her stare hopefully at Callum ready for him to quickly change the subject.

To her delight, it was quite the opposite. He asked questions and was genuinely interested in her summer.

Lily was so caught up in discussing The Broom Closet that she didn't notice that most of the other Prefects had arrived, including the chubby blonde girl from the train she remembered.

The girl perched herself on the couch so close to the Head Girl that their thighs were touching. Lily jumped at the sudden invasion.

"I'm Astrid." Her face was bright and eyes wide.

Lily was just happy the girl hadn't dyed her hair red or taken to wearing wrinkled uniforms that echoed the Head Girl's.

"I guess we should get the meeting started." Lily addressed the entire room trying to project her voice with authority like Professor Dumbledore and McGonagall managed to do so elegantly.

James still hadn't arrived, but she refused to sway from the original schedule.

She started the meeting by explaining the change of venue from the usual Prefects' Room to the Head Suite.

The previous Prefects' Room had simply disappeared. When the Head Suites had moved, they appeared with the Prefects' table inside. What Hogwarts wants, it gets.

Lily had everyone introduce themselves, next.

Her possible stalker, Astrid Wilkinson, was the new Prefect from Gryffindor, but other than her Lily would never remember all their names. She knew all of the old Prefects and they seemed to accept her easily into the new position.

James' arrival interrupted this portion of the meeting and along with him came the two missing Gryffindor sixth year Prefects.

Sweat slicked their hair and their cheeks were chapped. James and Amelia King looked disgruntled and tired, while Christos Savales- Gryffindor's returning Chaser- retained his natural aloof attitude strolling in and they all took available seats.

With a deep irritated breath, she began again trying to control her temper. It was important to present a united front.

_But he was Head Boy for Merlin's Sake!_ He should learn a little punctuality.

At the end of her speech she sat back into her bookend chair with an accomplished smile and for the first time allowed a miniscule amount of pride in her selection as Head Girl.

And then the questions began.

"When would Hogsmeade weekends be?"

"Would any new security measures be implemented?"

"Were they instating any new rules for the term?"

"What would the patrolling schedules be?"

On and on, James and Lily were forced to shrug helplessly at all the things they hadn't even thought to discuss.

Being Head Girl was exhausting, and apparently she hadn't even being doing a good job of it.

On either end of the table, she and James became mirror images of distraught panic. It felt like failing at something they hadn't even began.

Without answers, the Prefects were dismissed leaving the older students to share looks of disappointment and only the new additions hung back to socialize without a real concept of what the meetings were supposed to accomplish.

"He is adorable, Amarina!" The little stalker, Astrid, said to one of her fellow new Prefects.

They were passing a photo of baby between them. "He was born only born on the 11th, but I can't wait until he's calling me auntie!"

"I'm sure he'll be breaking hearts at Hogwarts in no time at all. What did you say his name was?"

"Cedric." Amarina told her smiling at the photo of the wiggling baby. "Cedric Diggory… It has a nice ring to it, I think."

When the stragglers finally filed out, Lily turned on her partner with vengeance in her eyes. She was tired, irritated, and -unfortunately for James- he was the only one around to take the blunt of it.

"Could you at least have the decency to show up on time?" She snapped at him.

His eyes rolled as he ignored her and headed into his room with little concern for her temper tantrum. She followed him ready for a fight.

At this point even an argument was a suitable form of interaction and she certainly wouldn't have to force anger.

"Quidditch try-outs ran late." He didn't sound one bit apologetic about it either. That explained the sweat on the shirt he was pulling over his head.

She spun around quickly not giving him the satisfaction of seeing her distracted by his nudity.

She tried to focus on his bookshelf that was an exact replica of her own. "What do you propose we do about our Head duties?"

She turned back to him at the sound of the bed shifting and he was safely clothed against.

He had pulled on a blue shirt and comfortable pants that hung down his legs as he settled on above the coverlet. With a gentle pull he detached Snitch from his spot on the pillow and into James' lap.

She sunk her fingernails into her palm to cease the itch as well as suppress any spasms that might flip her stomach.

"I'm exhausted and I've been dealing with worthless Quidditch players all the afternoon. I'm not doing anything about it tonight." He told her calmly. Snitch purred with content as James found the perfect spot behind the kitten's ears.

"That's the problem, Potter. We are both tired, but if we had been figuring all of this out before then we wouldn't be having this problem." She wished she could act as unaffected as he did about everything, but she knew he could hear how flustered she was in her voice.

He sighed. "Fine, but I'm not moving."

With a gleeful clap of victory she ran to get a quill and parchment before joining him on his bed. Sitting with crossed legs face to face, they poured over her parchment for hours.

Her head was fuzzy and heart racing when she shot out of bed the next morning. Through her window she could see the sun hanging low in the sky and rushed to the shower pulling off her clothes as she went.

_She couldn't be late for class! _

Stumbling over her own feet, she was just dropping her knickers to the floor when she entered the shower stall as quickly as she could go.

The only problem was that James Potter was already occupying it and he was equally as naked as she was at the moment.

….

She couldn't speak.

She couldn't move.

All she could do was stare with wide shocked eyes that he mirrored.

His tanned skin glistened under rivets of water that slicked every inch she could see. Every minute of Quidditch dedication was proudly displayed with every defined muscle on his body, and there were _a lot_ to look at.

As a girl who had spent a great deal of time thinking about how much she detested his messy hair, it was ironic that at the moment she could think of nothing but pushing her body against his and yanking his mouth hers by the very same locks.

She _needed_ to taste the lips that had once rested against her palm. She wanted him so badly she couldn't think straight.

"Why are you in my shower?" She should have sounded irritated or panicked. Instead the words slid out like honey; thick and smooth.

With glazed eyes he shook his head with an absently distracted jerk. "Isn't this my shower?"

The fog of the morning panic began to clear.

She had fallen asleep in James' bed the night before. Which meant- "Bloody hell, this is your shower."

Thank Merlin her feet would finally move and she used the recovered ability to carry her backwards, tripping over her discarded clothes as she fled.

Refusing to think about the incident for the rest of the morning, she also did her best to avoid James for rest of the day.

She was no stranger to lust. The way she and Sirius had carried on had been intense, and it had seemed impossible that there could be anything more potent than the want she'd felt for him.

Yet, somehow the Head Boy made her lust for Sirius feel like an adolescent crush.

"Lovely, last time I saw that blush on your face, you and Sirius just had a go." Kat told her in a discreet whisper.

Lily's last class of the day, Defence Against the Dark Arts, was the only class that all of her friends still attended.

All Lily had wanted was for Kat to take an interest in something further than basic pleasantries, so it figured that when her friend finally did it was the one thing Lily didn't want to talk about. "It's just hot in here. I'm flushed."

Kat didn't look convinced but Professor Crouch began her lesson and silenced Kat.

The newest member of Hogwarts staff was Alledora Crouch and she was the seventh D.A.D.A. professor that had taught at the school in as many years. Like most wizards, it was impossible to pin an age to the plain woman, but she neither looked old nor young.

It might have been the fact that every professor of the subject thus far had turned out to be anything but trustworthy, but Lily had serious reservations about the woman.

"Professor Slughorn, how do you feel about the new professor?" She asked older wizard during their extra lesson for the week.

They had a standing arrangement since fourth year for Lily to assist the professor with his personal potions making. Despite his assurances of purely academic intentions, Lily was well aware certain brews would be worth a fortune on more shady venues.

She wasn't so interested in the why as she was experience she was gaining. The potions she made with Slughorn were far beyond those allowed in average classes and she never received lower than an O on any assignment. It was a fair trade.

"Professor Crouch?" His large distended belly rustled against the work area while he poured a creamy substance into the potion they were working on. "The Crouch's are a very old wizard family, indeed."

Of course Slughorn would relate her question to social standing in the wizarding world. She took what she could get though. "Purebloods?"

The truth was Lily knew little to nothing about the wizarding world outside of Hogwarts and that included the pureblood families that she'd heard in some cases considered themselves close to royalty.

He chuckled at her question. "I'd say as close as anyone these days."

There was no such thing as having a wizard for every member of every generation in any family.

She really didn't understand why so many wizards were tripping over themselves to claim to be "pure" when it meant your parents were probably cousins and your grandparents' siblings. It might have been her muggle upbringing showing, but the whole thing really grossed her out.

"…it's very important." Lily caught the last piece of what Slughorn had been saying. She'd been distracted by pureblood ponderings.

"Let me write it down." She grasped an excuse for him repeat what had been so important not wanting to admit her inattentiveness.

She hadn't fooled him though and he chuckled at her abashed behavior.

"The gillyweed needs to be naturally dehydrated in sunlight until the tips are all a purple color." The glass container he slid before her was filled with a tangle of slimy green weeds. She pitied anyone who ever had the misfortune of swallowing the plant. "It is necessary to observe the process because every gillyweed plant is different. I would suggest starting in the morning just to be on the safe side."

Well, she had found her plans for Saturday. She had a hot date with a slimy green plant.

Friday she had a free period before History of Magic, and she spent it in the Gryffindor Common Room.

McGonagall encouraged them to visit their old living area frequently and Lily had been neglecting the request. Sitting in her favorite armchair by the unlit fire she worked on the Head duties that had been delegated specifically to her.

This included finalizing the Quidditch match dates. She was just putting the finishing touches on the Slytherin vs. Hufflepuff game, when she heard familiar voices.

Kat and Remus were alone and Lily paused, curious as to what was obviously building between the two.

She watched their gentle shy interactions and certainly would have teased Kat about her uncharacteristic behavior if they had been on better terms. As the two walked they didn't retain contact, but kept their hands close enough to brush against each others at random.

When they finally reached their destination across the silent Common Room, she couldn't see them from her vantage point, but their voices carried and Lily heard even though she tried not to listen.

"You're taking the mickey!" Lily overheard Kat say with shocked exclamation.

Lily couldn't see Remus' face, but she would bet that he was blushing from the stammer that stunted his words. "I-It's not that big of a deal."

"The only girl you've ever had feelings for was your best mate's girl!" Kat stated incredulously. "That's a big deal! Does she know?"

"Merlin, no." Remus answered with a gush of relief. He was telling the truth, Lily had no idea. Well, until now. "Sirius doesn't even know. The bloke's so ripped up about their split we can't even say her name, so I don't think it'd go over splendidly to announce that once upon a time I'd fancied Lily."

They spoke softly, and she couldn't hear them for a moment.

"Besides, I didn't say she was the only girl I'd ever had feelings for." Remus corrected her at a volume Lily could hear. "I said she was the only girl I had feelings before this year."

If the situation wasn't so surreal, Lily's heart would have warmed at Remus' obvious admission.

He liked Kat.

Earlier in the summer she had realized its' early development when Remus had mentioned their friendship spilling out of Hogwarts and into the break. She hadn't liked the idea.

It was impossible to explain why she felt such ownership over the Marauders.

She didn't have a nifty nickname nor participate in their pranks. She wasn't even invited into their secrets, much less participate.

It was just a feeling, like a puzzle piece sliding into its spot. Lily had never felt anything more right. When she was little she had thought it was what being in love would feel like, as if you had never been more certain of anything in your life. You just knew.

Could this be her curse? To have the ability to love so hard and so unconditionally, but never have it returned.

The blooming love interests were distracted and she slipped out of the common room unnoticed.

History of Magic was with the Ravenclaws and she forwent her usual seat with the Marauders' odd man out, taking one beside Callum Palmer.

He acknowledged her with a smile discreetly shoving a letter into his bag. She caught sight of an elegant symbol in the corner and imagined he had a secret lover or something racy along those lines.

It could be possible. She didn't really know anything about Callum except he was a Prefect and Quidditch Captain of the Ravenclaw team.

She tried not to hold his brief fling with Honor Simmons against him.

"You should settle the bets." Callum's smile was crooked and she was pleasantly charmed by the imperfection. "What's the row about?"

She replied with a quizzical look.

"Everyone's noticed. We've even got a pool in Ravenclaw about what caused the great rift of Lily Evans and the Marauders." He joked.

She didn't feel offended. If anything the immaturity was kind of comforting like at least they could still just seventeen in some regards. "So what did you waste your gold on then?"

Playing along he exaggerated thinking over her question. "I would never lower myself to such petulance…..but if I had to guess I would put a Galleon on the fact that you finally realized that Black is a berk and you could do better."

Trying to contain her bark of laughter was unsuccessful and she drew the attention of all three Marauders that took the class. "I hope you didn't need that Galleon. Sorry to disappoint but I always knew Sirius was an ass. Honestly, it's half his charm."

"Damn." He cursed with a cheeky grin. "I don't know what I'm more upset about; the fact that Black is open about his smarmy personality and still lands the most eligible girl at Hogwarts or the fact that I've lost my gold for a Hogsmeade weekend."

Professor Binns floated through the wall and without hesitation began their lesson which forced Lily to whisper her reply. "I guess I owe you a Hogsmeade weekend then."

She was positive that she liked Callum Palmer as he blushed to the roots of his curly dark hair.

Fueled by her positive encounter with Callum she headed to the Great Hall at dinner time.

She had considered skipping the meal, but hunger won out in the end. Missing meals had become a more serious habit than she wanted to admit and her uniform was beginning to hang off her already slim figure.

Thankfully, the only two of Lily's friends present were Peter and Evie. Their blonde heads were side by side and she took a seat across from them.

If there was something you didn't want to talk about then Evie or Peter would be the perfect people to spend time with. They were both much happier to smile obliviously than cause any type of confrontation.

For the first half of dinner it worked out marvelously and then Sirius and James showed up. It was then Lily realized the fault with Peter and Evie's avoidance of confrontation. When conflict was unavoidable they scampered.

After their swift exit, Lily was left to face not only her ex boyfriend, who most definitely was holding a grudge, but also the boy who she'd recently seen starkers and couldn't stop fantasizing about.

As was routine, the boys' cheeks were reddened from the wind and practice uniforms dirty from a hard session of Quidditch. The thin, yet resilient, fabric of the uniforms stretched attractively across their lean frames and Lily cursed her attraction to boys in uniforms, especially Quidditch uniforms.

It was a weakness that Sirius knew all too well as he stretched his arms above his head giving her a perfect view of his smooth abdomen. They both caught her looking.

"You look awful." Her ex-boyfriend told her with a cheeky smile. Every interaction since their break up had gone along the lines of teasing bordering on bitterness. "Haven't been working too hard, I hope."

James cut off her snarky reply. "Sorry about that, Lily. I didn't mean to wear you out last night."

If she had been taking a sip of pumpkin juice, she would have spit it all over the table.

As it happened, the inclination of James' words was enough to halt any movement from Lily or Sirius as they stared at him. It might have been the most that James had ever spoken to her in Sirius' presence and it was a hell of way to start.

After a healthy moment of their silence James continued innocently. "Finalizing the schedules took longer than we expected."

Even after the clarification, Sirius seemed unsettled by their implied interaction.

It was as if it had never occurred to him that James and Lily would be spending time alone as Head Boy and Girl. He looked uncomfortable. "I suppose we should all be happy that you two are getting on so well- no bloodshed yet."

"It's still early in the term." She said smiling at James to let him know she was teasing. "If Snitch had his way I would move out of the Head Dorms all together and leave them to their love affair."

"Don't get down on Snitch. He's a sight better than that blasted midget turtle you coo over." James defended the cat loyally. "And I don't see you complaining when he curls up in your bed when I've irritated him."

"He keeps my feet warm." Her eyes shot down to her half eaten plate as she replied abashed. She didn't realize James knew about her secret cuddling sessions with Snitch. "And don't bash, Harvey. He's wonderful."

James scoffed at her while Sirius interjected. "I have to agree with Lily. The cat is a menace."

Sirius was visibly unhappy to be siding with her as he wrinkled his nose at either the thought of the cat or his ex girlfriend.

"It's not Snitch's fault. The two of you are natural enemies." James continued on his tirade in honor of the golden kitten.

Sirius was about to rebuff when Lily cut him off. "What does that mean? Why would Sirius be Snitch's natural enemy?"

As quickly as that, her question had put the Marauders on the same side again. They looked at one another uncomfortable. Apparently this was one of the things she wasn't supposed to wonder about.

"Evening, Potter." It was Piper Prescott who saved the Marauders from lying to her. The attractive girl greeted them formally. "Evans."

"A pleasure to see you too, Prescott." Sirius interjected when she didn't extend him an acknowledgment.

Piper glanced at Sirius for the first time. She wasn't being intentionally rude. It appeared she honestly hadn't noticed him. "Hello, Black. I needed a word with the Head Boy and Girl."

Obliviously, Sirius continued to shove a piece of chicken in his mouth making no acknowledgement of her blatant dismissal. Eventually, Piper accepted this, but she waited longer than anyone else would have, staring expectantly at the dark hared boy with her back straight and shoulders back. She was the picture of excellent posture.

Brushing the seat off before she sat beside Lily, Piper looked as composed as ever. Her prim and proper behavior might have caught Lily off guard if she hadn't had Prefect meetings with her all last year.

The golden haired Hufflepuff had first come to Lily's attention during second year when Evie had developed some sort of obsession with the girl's long straight hair.

Her hair obsessed dorm mate had become convinced that the first year was in possession of a perfect hair potion that allowed for Piper's hair to look exactly perfect at all times.

In the end they'd discovered that while it was true that the younger girl's hair was shiny, full, and straight down to the last lock, apparently it was simply the result of good genes and without the assistance of magic. Unfortunately this wasn't discovered until after Piper sought the assistance of Professor McGonagall to report suspected stalkers from the Gryffindor House.

After the embarrassing episode, Piper had avoided the Gryffindor muggleborns like the plague…or like stalkers. Piper let the situation go easily and never brought it up again. It wasn't just her stalkers that she avoided; Piper didn't go out of her way to socialize with anybody… well, except Hester Sprout, her best mate.

"Have you decided the Hogsmeade weekend schedule?" Direct as always, Piper spoke. As the sixth year Hufflepuff Prefect, she had been there to witness their less than impressive display of Head authority. "After the last meeting, I assumed you would start acting more appropriately in respect to organization."

It amazed Lily that as rude as the words were, she somehow managed to pull them off with no air of ill will whatsoever. Her cute slightly sloping nose and perky cheeks never wavered from their calm expectant expression.

"The first weekend in October." James pleasantly informed the blunt girl of the date they had decided for the first Hogsmeade weekend. He didn't seem at all perturb by her abrupt attitude. "We'll post the rest at the next Prefect Meeting."

She gave them a curt nod and left swiftly.

"There's something really refreshing about her." Sirius noted when she was out of hearing distance.

"You're joking, right?" Lily was disturbed when she realized Sirius' voice held no humor.

He shrugged and returned to glaring at her. It was his go-to expression when it came to her lately. "You would never have to worry what Piper Prescott was secretly not saying. As of late I've developed a new appreciation for honesty."

"Well sure, but as honest as she is she would have no choice but to inform you of what an immature toerag you really are." She snapped at him, her eyes narrowed. If he wanted to push her then she would push him back.

Shock wasn't a reaction when dealing with her behavior anymore. He silently boiled while finishing his meal and then exited the Great Hall with no more words exchanged between them. She was perfectly happy with this arrangement until she realized it left her and James alone.

She really should have thought out her brash reaction. She was having a very difficult time looking at his face after she'd seen his- well… other parts.

"I think Piper Prescott is interesting too." He said smirking at her easy temper. "Are you going to go off on me as well?"

"Not unless you are disguising you bitterness towards me through comments about Piper Prescott." She shot back. "I don't have a problem with her anyways. But I certainly wouldn't label her as refreshing."

He let the subject die there. When they'd finished their meals they walked back to the Head Dorms together.

Lily forgot to be awkward.

It was hard to feel anything, but the overwhelming need to touch him. Something as silly as his tanned forearm peeking out from his short sleeved uniform almost made her grab him.

She didn't know what she wanted to do when she had him, but she was positive that just touching him would relieve some of her tension.

James was as unaffected as always.

How could she be drowning with thoughts of him while he worried about nothing more than the Charms essay due?

"Now, Evans," He began just before they separated into their rooms. "I'll be taking my shower early, so if you want to catch the show again you'll have to be up around sunrise."

"You don't have to worry about me being up anytime near sunrise, Potter. You can have your shower in peace." She told him not able to completely squish her embarrassment.

"Your sleeping habits really are atrocious." He noted. "I hear you about at all times of the night. If I didn't know any better I would say you were up to a bit of mischief."

She shook her head. It took her by surprise that he noticed her unsettling sleeping patterns. "After this summer I think my body is more accustomed to staying awake at night."

"It wouldn't have anything to do with you worrying, would it?" He suggested nonchalantly.

"And what would I have to worry about?" She played dumb, curious as always by his ability to see through her.

"That bloke, Harland- or Baker- whatever his name is." His eyes narrowed casually as he studied her. "It's like clockwork. The Daily Prophet arrives; you and Simmons go right to the list of Auror casualties."

Lily had never seen him watching her at breakfast, not one time. She hadn't ever noticed Honor looking for news about her brother either though. For a girl who prided herself on being notoriously observant, she was really slacking.

"You're right." She resisted adding that of course he was right. He was always bloody right. "But it's not just Baker. It's everything. At night with no distractions, I find it impossible not to worry that I've ruined everything."

He didn't seem at all surprised by her confession. It was like he received personal confessions from girls that he stared at (but for the most part showed absolutely no interest in) everyday.

"Well, what if you have?"

She frowned. That wasn't exactly the reassuring reply she'd been hoping to receive. "I suppose it doesn't really matter. As mad as Sirius is at me, it wouldn't be fair to either of us to be together when I don't want to be with him. If Kat and Evie are so appalled that I refused to give up my own happiness for everyone else's then they aren't really my friends."

"Why can't you be with Sirius?" He stepped closer to her. His hazel eyes stared into hers and she was overwhelmed by his scent. How could sweat, grass, and hours of practice mix into such a wonderful musky smell that left her dazed? He was supposed to smell bad. "You don't love him?"

"Y-ye-yes, I love him." She stuttered as she used all of her will power not to incline her head forward to meet his lips. His effect on her really was becoming ridiculous.

He was so close that when he spoke his breath tickled her lips. "How do you know?"

She had been so captivated by his full lips that the intensity of his eyes startled her when he demanded an answer. Thankfully, it was an easy answer for her to give. "He's playful and charming. We were always laughing together… he's been hurt a lot, but most people don't see it like that."

"All qualities," If his eyes didn't hold her firmly in their gaze, she would have closed them because she was sure he was about to kiss her. "-that are shared by your turtle, and your friends."

Merlin, why was he still talking?

She needed to kiss him. She was desperate for oxygen and positive she would be able to breathe as soon as their lips met. Honestly, she would say whatever he wanted to hear. "I don't love Sirius?"

"I don't know, Lily." When he closed his eyes, she followed his example finally ready to taste him.

It could have been a half a second or an eternity, but as he paused with his lips so close that they nearly brushed hers, she felt like dying.

She felt more in that second of not touching than she'd ever felt in her life. Their breath mixed together with eyes gently closed and she would have accepted anything to make him lean forward to meet her.

Instead he stepped away. "I don't think you know anything about love at all."

His parting words left her awake in bed that night.

She knew everything about love.

It wasn't just a theme in her life, it was the ruling factor.

She was the girl who could find something to love in anyone. She had loved Petunia, and Snape, and Sirius when they needed it most.

Love was easy for her. It always had been.

And just who in the hell did James Potter think he was? What made him an expert on anything? He was seventeen just like Lily, with even less experience in relationships than she had.

She was tired of his stupid questions and statements that made her think about how she was clueless and doing everything completely wrong. She would not let him throw another revelation at her.

If she wasn't so bloody attracted to him, she would have dismissed him from her life entirely.

It had to be her imagination. She only wanted him to kiss her so badly because he seemed so indifferent to her.

Getting boys' attention had come as naturally to Lily as riding a broomstick was to James Potter. It wasn't something she set out to be good at or a task she worked to accomplish. To be honest, she had never done it on purpose at all.

Could it be that the only reason she wanted him was because he didn't throw his affections at her so easily? Well, that seemed vain and silly.

Could she actually have feelings for him?

It couldn't be that, she decided after objectively pondering her feelings for a moment.

She didn't feel an emotional need to be with him, like with Sirius. The more she thought about it, the more she wondered if she even _liked_ him.

Half the time she just wanted to box him. Unfortunately the other half, all she could think about was snogging him.

So it was just physical attraction. Something she needed to get out of her system.

Somehow, she didn't think he'd be receptive to her jumping on him in the Great Hall.

It seemed like a million years ago that the spectacled boy had a deranged crush on her that he mostly demonstrated by bullying other students.

That James Potter and the one that currently lived next door to her were impossible to reconcile in her mind. His crush had disappeared so quickly, like it never even happened. Sirius never had mentioned it and the whole ordeal felt so surreal that Lily had never thought about it until now.

At some point, he had decided that she wasn't who he thought she was, if his indifferent attitude was any indication as to what happened.

Well, if James could get over his attraction to her then she was positive she could do the same.

It might just take a little effort.

The next day she took pains to sleep a little later than normal, just to assure she didn't run into James in the lavatory. Late Saturday morning it was unusually hot and sunny which made it perfect for her assigned task.

On her first attempt to sit in the courtyard while staring at a slimy plant, she had lasted only half an hour. Even in her shorts and thin shirt she was sweating unattractively under the glare of the sun.

The square courtyard didn't allow for a breeze and Lily cursed Slughorn as she stared at the unwaveringly green Gillyweed.

He hadn't been kidding about it possibly taking a long afternoon. Lily decided she might as well get some use out of the sun if this was going to take all day.

She took the Gillyweed inside with her afraid it would decide to turn purple while she changed. Her trunk was messier than remembered, but she usually didn't dig to the bottom where old items had collected over the years. Unlike other students Lily didn't have the luxury of having a home to store unneeded items for term.

If she owned it, it was in this trunk.

She'd almost given up on her mission, thinking that it'd been lost in the fire when she caught sight of the stretchy purple material of her bathing costume. It had been one of the last things her mother had ever bought for her.

When she was fifteen it had been the most fashionable thing she owned and her favorite article of clothing. The two pieces of material that wrapped perfectly around her body had practically been her uniform for the last month of summer before school started.

Her mother had teased her when Lily packed the purple bathing costume to go to Hogwarts asking her if she was going to wear it under her robes.

As Lily pulled the familiar material on her hips, she could practically hear the whole conversation again.

"Don't be silly, Lily." Her mother had said taking the pieces of fabric out of her trunk. "It'll just be taking up space."

Her fifteen year old daughter had not been able to defend her decision. The costume really would be useless at Hogwarts. "Please Mum, maybe I'll just want to see it sometimes to remind me summer is soon."

But Lily knew that it had nothing to do with summer at all. The outfit had been about being a woman.

She had picked it out herself and her mother had frowned noting it wasn't Lily's style at all. She hadn't agreed to the purchase until Lily had insisted on trying it on in the store.

She could see her mother's face as clearly now as on that day. Her misty blue eyes had never left her daughter's gleeful expression. Lily had twirled and posed trying to put on a convincing show, but it wouldn't have mattered. The bathing costume had been sold the minute her mother had seen her sparkling face.

She was not a little girl anymore.

In the end her mother had relented on both occasions. Lily was such a sweet happy child who never asked for anything, and when she did it was hard for her parents to resist.

The costume wasn't the best fit anymore. It was a little snug on her bum and didn't cover as much of her breasts as it used to, but it would make for a better tan anyways. James had Quidditch all day which meant she had the Head Dorm all to herself.

She was lacking muggle sunscreen so she was forced to cast a protection spell on her skin. It would make getting a tan much more difficult, but even a little color would be an improvement.

She decided that the animals deserved a day in the sun just as much as she did. She let Harvey onto the ledge of the fountain and he dived in without hesitation. The intricate mermaid sat on a pyramid of stones that varied in size and length, and would allow Harvey to do his own sunbathing if he wished.

The door was left open for Snitch to join them and the Gillyweed placed where she could watch it from her quilt. All that was left to do was wait for the green tips of the Gillyweed to turn purple.

The boring day turned out to be one of the best Lily had all term.

It took hours before the tips even began to fade and in that time she and Snitch had improved their relationship when the kitten came to investigate her activities and Lily's skin even picked up the slightest golden glint.

When the sun started its descent, Lily watched anxiously as the tips slowly inched towards a full purple hue. Slughorn was clear the time spent in the sun had to be consecutive and Lily feared there wouldn't be enough time in this day.

"'Oi, Evans!" She heard him call out a half a second before his body entered the doorframe.

She gave him a quick distracted smile. The tips were almost solid purple and she didn't dare risk missing the moment.

When she could still feel his blatant stare after a moment she turned to look at him irritated. "What, Potter?"

He was staring at her like she was a piece of meat and he was starving.

"Blast!" She exclaimed scooping up the Gillyweed as the last tip turned a solid shade. She had forgotten that she was currently sporting her bathing costume from two years ago.

Why was she always getting caught in these situations?

"Do you have any sort of concept of proper clothing?" He asked dryly. The spot he held blocked her path.

She rolled her eyes. "Bugger off."

She had taken Harvey back to his home hours ago, so it was just Lily and her handful of purple tipped Gillyweed trying to swiftly scurry around him.

"I was just going to…" He continued to speak as she achieved her goal and darted inside quickly. "-let you know the team decided to have a little social gathering."

Twelve of her peers stared at her as she came to an abrupt halt entering the living area.

Lily decided it was in fact not possible to die of embarrassment because she might have wished for it a few times in the three full seconds she stood there unmoving.

"Terribly sorry." She squeaked before hurrying into her bedroom.

Through the closed door she could hear a gruff voice interject. "I had no idea the perks of being Head Boy."

She might not have been modest, but that was an experience she really could have gone without. Letting herself into their bathroom she sealed James' side off with a spell, so she could change in peace.

"Some time in the sun has done wonders for your unfortunate complexion!" The mirror startled her with its unwarranted comment.

Lily noted that even despite her still fresh blush, the sun seemed to add the slightest tan to her normally fair skin. She pulled off the bathing costume quickly hoping with it gone so would the embarrassment.

She sealed her room the same way as the bathroom when she was done and decided to opt out of facing anyone in favor of cool sheets on her warm skin. Sliding into the bed naked she could hear the gathering going full swing just beyond her door.

She was very good at ignoring the voices as the get-together progressed into a full party by mid evening. She had heard several people mention her absence and several more people mention her earlier show.

It was after a particularly vulgar description of her innocent purple bathing costume that she decided ignoring the problem was not going to make it go away.

She was a Gryffindor for Merlin's sake!

She pulled herself out of bed no longer appreciating the cool temperature that prickled her bare skin.

Darting to her wardrobe she grabbed for jeans and a shirt she'd purchased at Maureen's when she'd gotten her black dress. It was a gentle blue color that hung loose over her body and stopped just short of her jeans. It didn't bare any skin, as long she stood still.

Aggravated with her cheery curls she dragged her fingers through them ferociously, elongating them. They were more like waves than twists at least for the time being.

She slipped into the electric atmosphere unnoticed, closing her door behind her.

The Quidditch team had turned into most of Gryffindor with a sprinkling of other houses as well. They lounged in the seating area and hung over the Prefect table doing shots of firewhiskey while music blared from a wireless. The desk had been either vanished or shrunk, and in its place were youthful bodies pulsing together in sync with the beat.

Lily was positive that this wasn't in McGonagall's description of "civil socializing if they could find the time."

All of the Marauders were there as well as her entire group of friends. At least they had finally come to see the Head Suites.

"Hello, Lovely." Evie greeted her courteously. "I've been pondering your absence."

"You must have missed the show." Sirius appeared out of nowhere and spoke with slurred edges. "It's really a shame you changed. I have to admit that even you're more tolerable in that outfit, or should I say lack thereof."

She refused to blush- the anger certainly helped her achieve that goal.

"More like you wouldn't be able to control yourself." Kat's sharp voice was unfamiliar in Lily's defense.

Lily looked at the petite girl in surprise. She had grown unaccustomed to defense in her honor.

Sirius huffed in reply before disappearing into the throngs.

She wasn't given the opportunity to question Kat's behavior because when she turned back to her friend, she was gone too.

Evie was no indication of the change either, as she seemed unaware that she was even at a party in the first place.

"I have a crush on Piper Prescott." Evie's dazed uninterested voice informed her.

Lily was more irritated with everyone's sudden interest in the Hufflepuff, than shocked by Evie's new love interest. "What about your older fellow? I thought you quite liked him."

Evie looked wistful.

"And I hate to bring this up, but I don't think you're technically allowed to even speak with Piper." Lily reluctantly added.

The blonde looked confused.

"Remember the whole stalker misunderstanding?" She tried to remind her gently. It was a rather sore subject.

"Oh yes." Evie responded. Sadness barely tinted her emotions. "You're probably right. I only fancy her hair, but I'm lonely."

"And your other bloke- the one you met on holiday?"

"He's very ambitious." She said with a helpless shrug. "I fear he's far too important for me now."

Lily wrapped her arm around the thin girl trying to chase away the sudden vulnerability. "You need someone who thinks you are the most important thing in the world. Anything else just won't do, sweet Evie."

This earned her a big toothy smile. The two girls found a couch in the corner to observe the party, preferring to stay out of the action in favor of entertainment.

"Oh!" Evie said excitedly. "Look how drunk Potter is! I wonder whether he'll be sick before Sirius."

They had been wagering on who would be the first to end the party. Sirius had been in the lead as he toted around his own personal bottle of firewhiskey, but James was currently swaying unbalanced between Honor and another girl Lily didn't recognize.

Either uncaring of his inebriation or unaware the girls happily battled for his attention. The unknown girl went as far as to wrap her arms around him, nestling her face in his neck.

"Where are you going?" Evie asked.

Lily hadn't realized she was on her feet, but she was now marching towards James Potter on a mission. She left Evie staring curiously after her.

"I need a moment, Potter." She spoke with authority.

"For what?" The unknown girl giggled.

Honor just stared at Lily curiously.

"Official Head Business." She said curtly grabbing James by the shirt and pulling him into his room.

He followed her looking dazed, but compliant.

Snitch hissed at the both of them from his spot on the bed. He wasn't happy about being left out of the festivities. James immediately went to tend to the cat's hurt feelings.

"So what is it, Evans?" James asked his voice holding not indication of alcohol like Sirius' slur.

She hadn't expected him to be so sober. He looked about ready to pass out on the girl's shoulder. "I..I.. I was just trying to save you. I didn't want anyone taking advantage of you."

His laughter cut her. She knew as soon as the words were out of her mouth how ridiculous she sounded.

"It's not taking advantage if you're willing." He pointed out. His voice was like a stinging bite.

She hated feeling stupid. It wasn't like she even thought about what she was doing. She just found herself doing it.

She was silent staring at her shoes.

"I'm getting really sick of your issues, Evans." He advanced on her unnoticed and his fierce tone took her back to the night in the Common Room when he had unraveled her life with his declarations.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She snapped back at him. She was unwilling to let him control this situation.

His icy glare startled her and she found herself stepping away from him, closer to the wall opposite his bed. He was close enough for her to smell the firewhiskey on his breath and she was comforted slightly that despite his clear speech, her initial assessment had been correct. He was at least partially impaired.

"I know what you're doing." His jaw line was strong in his anger. "Flaunting yourself in front of me, forcing me to want you again."

His hands gripped roughly at her waist as he slammed his body against hers into the wall. He nipped at her neck and she was ashamed as she moaned into him. She was unsure if it was fear or lust that demanded her animalistic response. Probably a good bit of both.

"Fuck you." She tried to get a hold of herself and push him away, but he held her firmly. "I don't give a damn how much you want me."

The lips, she desperately craved, still did not make contact with the sensitive skin of her neck as his breath tickled her. His hands found their way to her heaving chest and she hated herself for pushing into him.

"Liar." He said into her ear. She could hear the sneer through his words.

She couldn't restrain herself any longer and she let her hands do what they had been begging for her to allow. They found his hair and his bum, and her body was touching his everywhere. It was sinfully erotic and their lips hadn't even met. She fought for it though, trying to catch his lips.

Somehow he found self-control even in his lust driven daze as he muttered senselessly. "Why?"

She wasn't listening though as she finally got to skin beneath his shirt running her fingernails against his taught belly. She wanted to hurt him as much as she wanted shag him.

In retaliation he bit into shoulder and pulled her legs around his waist, her back pressed into the wall. His hardness pressed into her clit, creating dizzying friction and she threw her head back against the wall in a rough moan.

"I hate you." His voice was breathless, but clear.

She didn't care.

Their eyes met for one intense second and then he crashed his lips into hers with force she equaled. Nipping, biting, and sucking they battled one another. His tongue was forceful in her mouth, but she matched him easily.

She pulled his hair and he dug his blunt fingernails into her side. It was escalating so quickly, she was sure they were going to explode.

And then suddenly she was falling, barely able to get her feet to the ground as he ripped away from her. She was lightheaded as she struggled to stand up straight.

"I hate you." He repeated. His anger identical to his passion from only a moment before, and he then stormed away from her slamming his door behind him.

Confused and stumbling, she went to the bathroom door. Her solitary room called to her. Her mind begged for a release of the pint up thoughts and emotions.

"Bugger!" She kicked the sealed door. She had forgotten to undo the spell from earlier.

Entering the party again, Lily was overwhelmed by the hormones that seemed to expand and build like a living creature with a mind of its own. There were less people, but those remaining were the ones who had too much firewhiskey. Loose inhibitions seemed to be the theme as Lily darted around a snogging couple.

"Lovely, I've been looking for you." Kat stepped into Lily's path. "I nee- whoa have you been drinking?"

"Umm no." Lily's hands went to her hair hoping to pull out the tangles and she blinked wildly trying to clear the glaze. "What did you need?"

"I just couldn't let you find out from someone else." Kat said nervously. "I would have told you sooner, but I didn't know it was anything official."

Lily sighed in relief. Kat was finally going to tell her about her relationship with Remus. Maybe whatever weirdness between them had dissipated and they could go back to being best mates.

"It's official now?" Lily asked happily.

"Honor has been declaring it official for awhile, but I guess Sirius can't deny it any longer." Kat gave her a sympathetic look and pointed to the fireplace.

Honor Simmons and Sirius Black were indeed officially Hogwarts' newest couple, if the looks of their snogging were any indication.

But it wasn't the sight of Sirius getting to second base in her Common Room that made her sick.

Apparently it was the night for new couples as Lily watched James snog Piper Prescott for all she was worth.

"Oh, Lovely." Kat saw her horrible grimace. The shorter girl wrapped her into a hug. "It's only to get under your skin. If he really liked her then he would have the courtesy to do that in private."

She nodded numbly in return. "I think I'll just go to bed."

Kat looked worried but let her go with a gentle pat on the back.

In her room, Lily prepared for bed doing her best to focus on every task so as not to disturb the volcano of emotions that was due for an eruption.

She unsealed the bathroom and fed Harvey. Every nightly ritual was done with meticulous accuracy.

Her plan was highly successful until she was tucked beneath her sheets with her eyes pinched shut begging sleep to come.

He said he hated her. She saw in his eyes just how much he meant it.

He had also snogged her so hard she forgot her name, but even that had felt more like a fight than anything else. And now he was with Piper Prescott.

She had convinced herself that if she could just get a taste of him then he would be out of her system, but she hadn't counted on craving more. He made her feel alive. His lips electrified every forgotten nerves of her body.

She didn't love him. She didn't think she hated him either though.

Regardless, she had to have him again.

She was desperate to feel that way again: alive, unbreakable, and raw. How could he not feel the same? Why did he make her feel so wonderful while all she made him feel was hate?

It seemed no matter what she did, she was always doing the wrong thing. Every path she took was marked with failure.

Tiredly, Lily relented.

It was time for a new way of doing things.

Walking into the Great Hall the next morning, Lily was on a mission to pretend nothing had happened with James or Sirius. She hesitated for a moment passing her sometimes meal spot by the fourth years, but held her head high as she continued to her old friends.

She wasn't going to hide anymore. She was the one who had been acting like the change was a bad thing. It was time for a new strategy.

In Lily's old seat beside Sirius, Honor was happily chatting away holding the attention of the group until Lily plopped down right between Kat and Evie.

Silence settled on the group- all eyes turning to her entrance. "Hello everyone! Bit chilly this morning, isn't it?"

It only took a beat for Kat to reply, a large smirk spreading out on her face. Evie joined in quickly with a grin that most certainly displayed just how much she'd missed her friend.

It had been a very long time since Lily greeted anyone with a smile.

Honor was the only member of the table who looked unhappy about the redhead's newfound attitude. Lily even caught Sirius shooting her a few smiles.

The entire meal, Lily had been very careful not to think about James' absence. The other three Marauders in attendance didn't mention their missing member and she wasn't going to ask.

The three ex dorm mates finished their meal and headed out of the Great Hall a happy vibe encompassing them.

"Hello there." Evie said dreamily to Piper as she along with James came through the entranceway just as they were exiting.

Piper looked uncomfortable, but her perfect posture never faltered even as she stepped the slightest inch towards James.

It was a very revealing inch in Lily's eyes.

James looked confused, but smiled at the three muggleborn girls with equal politeness. Lily had never been so infuriated by a polite smile in her life. "You know Piper, right?"

"Sure." Kat answered with a teasing smile. "We're old friends."

He looked even more confused now by their strange interactions.

"They stalked me." Piper informed simply, letting no opinion or inflection creep into her words. As ever her face was polite and smooth.

Kat scoffed uncomfortably. "It was years ago and really a huge misunderstanding."

"We apologized." Lily added quickly.

Evie, who really had been the cause of the allegations, remained silent as she stared longingly at Piper's perfect hair.

"We should go." The redhead grabbed Kat and Evie and pulled them away. They didn't even make it down the corridor before dissolving into laughter.

Evie was the first to recover. "I've missed you, Lovely."

They continued on in silence after that, Lily leading them to the courtyard where they could sit.

"I keep doing things in all the wrong ways." Lily admitted to them.

Kat looked at her feet uncomfortably. "It's us, Lily. We're the ones doing things wrong."

"Yes that too." Lily replied smiling.

They laughed letting the awkwardness melt away.

"I suppose it comes along with being a teenager." Kat remarked reasonably. "You shouldn't have to be the one to start this conversation."

"We're dreadful." Evie added looking like she very much meant it.

"Yes." Lily agreed again. "I've been dreadful too though."

"See- that right there- the Lily that left in sixth year would have taken all the blame on herself. You would have done anything to make us happy." Kat shook her head sadly. "I've been so ashamed."

"We were scared." Evie's rounded eyes welled with tears.

"Of me?" Lily asked softly, unbelieving.

"I knew." Kat explained balling her hands into fist. "I knew you didn't have anywhere to go, but I let it happen anyways. It's not just that. You've been the greatest, nicest, most loyal friend and I walked all over you. It was so easy to take advantage."

She paused and Lily couldn't help the bitter angry feelings that rose inside her. She stayed silent though, knowing as much as Kat needed to say it, she needed to hear it.

"We loved you, of course!" Evie jumped in during the silence.

"And then you changed." Kat continued. "You were a walking and talking representation of my failure as a friend. I knew you had to be angry."

"It took me a long time to realize it." Lily told them honestly. "-How angry I was."

"We ruined the purest, nicest, most innocent person in the world." Evie's voice wobbled.

"We just couldn't face you." Kat finished finally looking into Lily's eyes.

"You didn't ruin me." Lily gave them her bravest smile. "I hope I'm still not ruined… I had been doing things in all the wrong ways long before I started Hogwarts. I had no right to be angry."

They both looked at her questioningly. How could she say that after everything?

"I made those decisions. I decided how I let people treat me. As long as I hold onto the anger, I'm still not finding out who I am. The anger made me stuck in one place. It's time to move forward."

"I think I like her." Evie told Lily kissing her on the lips. "The real Lily."

Kat and Lily giggled at their affectionate friend.

"She's even human like the rest of us." Kat followed Evie's example, but placing her lips on Lily's cheek instead. "Who would have thought, Lovely Lily has bad qualities!"

"Sometimes I think I have more bad than good." Lily's smile was sad.

"Good!" Evie declared happily. "It'll give us an opportunity to make up the last six years to you, if you're a real bitch."

Kat laughed, but turned to Lily hopefully. "Do you think we really can be friends again, Lily?"

"If it's what you really want." Lily had given it a lot of thought. "It'll be different, kind of like starting all over."

Evie and Kat looked at each other for a moment.

"Maybe without the stalking this time?" Kat asked the blonde hopefully.

Evie's smile glazed over. "Only if Lily promises to make herself happy first, before anyone else for the rest of the year."

"No, no, no." Lily dismissed the idea quickly. "I've learned that the key to anything is moderation. I promise to balance out being happy, with making others happy too."

"Deal."

"Deal."

…"Deal."

10857000

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. This is for fun and no profits have been made.

Author's Note: _Internet issues are still not resolved, but I've got semi-reliable access right now and figured I'd abuse it while I could. _

_Once again thank you so much for everyone who took the time to review. It definitely provides an extra incentive to continue working on this mammoth of a story._

_If there is anything particularly enjoyable about my story- a certain angle or relationship, that you'd like to see more of- then please let me know. I've noticed that sometimes a writer can get so caught up in certain aspects that some of the more special little details get overlooked when they should be focused on… Just something I'd like to hear about. _

The most random place I've ever been- a tiny town in Virginia that was probably fifty years behind the rest of our culture, but geez it was beautiful.

Question: What's your favorite name? 


	7. Chapter Seven

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. I'm not making any money.

**THIS FIC IS RATED M**

**Previously:** James told Lily he hated her while forcing his tongue down her throat and then publicly hooking up with the insulting, Piper Prescott. Lily made a new friend in Ravenclaw, Callum Palmer, and reunited with old friends, Kat and Evie. Due to bad experiences with past DADA teachers, Lily feels uneasy about the new Professor Crouch. Remus admits to Kat that he used to have feelings for Lily. Sirius came out with his developing relationship with Honor Simmons, who views Lily as a personal rival. And because of Hogwarts' rules, James is forced to claim Lily's kitten, Snitch, as his own. A mirror guards the Head Suites requiring the truth before anyone can answer.

**Chapter Seven**

**The Breaking of a Rule**

Piper Prescott had planted herself firmly in the middle of Lily's existence. She was everywhere- a vine intent on wrapping itself around every facet of viewable space.

In the morning, the Hufflepuff along with sidekick- Hester Sprout- took up the space across from Lily's seat at breakfast, right next to James.

In the afternoon, Piper was present in two of Lily's classes followed by another meal-lunch- where Lily got to stare at the aristocratic girl again.

After lunch, she was only treated to one more class with the Hufflepuff, but dinner was always quick to arrive and present another opportunity for bonding.

Finally, more often than not in the evenings, Piper could be found opposite of James at the desk in their common room working diligently on assignments. Their silent contentment grated on Lily's nerves every time she was forced to pass them.

Then, of course, there were Prefect meetings.

According to both James and Piper, they were _just friends_. It was clear to everyone else that good friends would soon turn into more.

Lily could have cared less about their relationship. Her issue lied with all the extra time she was forced into Piper's presence. She couldn't complain about the added buffer between James though. It was relatively easy to mask her insane lust with Piper there to constantly act like a bucket of freezing water.

Nevertheless, there was something about a polite smile and innocent intentions that made the Hufflepuff's comments all the more irritating. Her backwards statements about Lily being chosen as Head Girl or the way she ran meetings left Lily steaming.

"Attempting wandless magic, Evans?" Callum Palmer, attractive Ravenclaw and Prefect, slid into the seat beside her. She had been sitting alone in the library. "You wouldn't be trying to set Sirius Black's new girlfriend on fire, would you?"

Lily laughed and shook her head. She hadn't meant to stare at the table where Sirius and James sat with their new significant others. "Actually, I was simply amazed that the four of them could all fit at one table with their egos."

"I had almost forgotten what good mates Potter and Black were while he was dating you." Callum commented thoughtfully.

"I'm not sure what you mean." How could anyone question the great unrelenting obsession that James and Sirius had with one another?

"I don't know what you did to Potter, but it was almost comical to watch him peel out of a room when you were around."

"Exaggeration." She shot back, but secretly began considering James' constant absence during their relationship.

James didn't seem to have any problem being around Honor, who was just as much a girlfriend to his best mate as she had been.

Callum shrugged. "I'm sure they'll all be in Hogsmeade this weekend if you'd like to go and study where else their egos can manage to fit."

"Is that an invitation, Palmer?" She smirked. This light skinned, dark haired boy charmed her more than she was willing to admit.

"Absolutely." His blue eyes sparkled at her.

"I'll meet you in front of the carriages." Her smile was embarrassingly goofy.

It remained even after he was gone.

Evie and Kat joined her before too long with sheepish smiles asking if they could sit with her.

Their new friendship was going well, but every once in awhile they seemed taken aback when Lily would make her less than sunny opinions known.

"Muggleborns." Piper greeted them with a curt nod. The rest of her group was packing up their books getting ready to leave.

Kat's mouth dropped in shock at being addressed just as 'muggleborn.' She obviously didn't have a lot of experience with Piper Prescott.

"How can we help you, Prescott?" Lily had become well-versed in Piper-speak.

"The Divination Specialist is here."

As Head Girl, Lily was well aware of the specialist's arrival at Hogwarts. The teachers had made a big deal about all of the sixth and seventh years attending the seminar she was putting on.

"We didn't sign up." Evie stared up at Piper in awe, but not of her charmless personality. Her attention was reserved for Piper's shiny mane.

"It's mandatory _because_ no one signed up." She told them. "As the only prefect who did agree to attend like the professors suggested, McGonagall sent me to inform the rest of the sixth and seventh years."

Kat cut her eyes to Lily as if to say 'You realize she just insulted your Head Girl abilities.'

Quickly, as to not invoke Kat's defense, Lily interjected. "We're on our way."

With a nod, Piper was gone.

They followed her slowly, only showing their unwillingness in the drag of their feet.

Stacks and stacks of school work on top of pages of Head Girl duties were where Lily's mind remained, but the term 'mandatory' from McGonagall left no room excuses. Not even for the Head Girl- _especially_ not for the Head Girl.

"Welcome students!" Madame Celeste's voice filled the expanded classroom.

Every student held a seat in the dim room. The windows were draped with dark fabrics of purple and blue, casting an eerie ambiance upon them.

With a surprisingly spry step, the ancient looking Madame moved around the room. Her endless robes left a thick floral smell behind as she captured all of their eyes before moving onto the next.

"Because of the pure enthusiasm that you have bestowed upon me with your attendance, I have decided to present the possibility of a lifetime." Madame Celeste's wrinkled hands swept through the air in elaborate movements punctuating each word.

Apparently no one had informed the Madame that this seminar was mandatory.

Silence took the room hostage as the shadows darkened around them.

They waited.

"Death!"

Every single person in the room simultaneous jumped at her exclamation.

"Will it come as a friend or a foe?" Her crinkled eyes beckoned them forward. "I promise you all…. it will come. It is the only truth we should live by."

"I cannot reveal its mysteries or help you escape its relentless chase. I can, however, offer you a glimpse of what awaits you."

With a fluid swipe of her wand, an overflowing cauldron appeared before them.

"If you are intrigued then I urge you to seek out the truest form of magic- divination. This is only a taste of the wonders that could await you."

Lily didn't have to see McGonagall's face to know it was pinched with distaste.

"Through a combination of meditation and my specially brewed potion, I will allow you to reach into the depths of your mind and across the mysterious veil to access the very last thoughts you will have before death takes you."

She paused stirring the potion in great swirls.

"There is no other living person who can perform this ritual, so I honestly say that I am offering you a once in a lifetime opportunity."

Lily was enraptured by her eyes, they were almost black.

"This is not for everyone. There could be unforeseen consequences to you decision, so I must insist that you choose wisely."

_How could she not do this?_ Lily tried to make herself consider the possibility of not going through with it, but in the end it wasn't a choice. The wondering of what she could have known would be so much worse than anything revealed to her.

Whether the students were going to go through with it or not, Madame Celeste began the intense meditation process. She insisted it would be beneficial to all.

It could have been minutes or hours that Lily fell in sync with every part of herself. Every particle, every breath, every atom all came together for one moment of perfect clarity. The room was nearly black when she excused all those who did not wish to participate.

She was shocked when more than half the class filed out. How could they just walk away from knowing something like this?

They stumbled as if they were drunk as they went, knocking noisily into desks, but it didn't shake the intense buzzing from her mind.

"One at a time, I will call you forward." Madame Celeste's voice seemed to be coming from every wall. The commanding volume slid from the silence like a diving dolphin only to be swallowed by the ocean. A moment later, the silence was unaffected just like the motionless surface. "Professor McGonagall is here for everyone's safety. I must warn you once more of the dangers of this ritual."

No one moved.

"Sirius Black." Madame Celeste called him forward and swiftly pricked his finger without warning.

Sirius' glazed eyes barely acknowledged the pain. The blood was dropped into a small vile that Madame Celeste raised to his lips. "Drink."

Holding her breath, Lily watched enraptured as Sirius' eyes turned completely white and he spoke.

"I guess not."

And just like that, Sirius came back to himself looking confused. "Is that it?"

"Yes, Sirius Black. You have spoken your last thoughts." Madame Celeste said using her hands to scoot the confused youth back to his chair.

"Honor Simmons." She called the next student from the first row.

The events were repeated until Honor's eyes went white and she spoke in an eerie tone.

"Make it stop."

The dirty blonde haired girl staggered back to seat.

"Peter Pettigrew."

Nervous, he tripped over his feet on his way to meet his last thoughts. Madame Celeste seemed to study the blonde sidekick a little longer before urging him to "Drink."

"Forgive me."

Lily's heart went out to Peter. She supposed that negative realizations were a serious danger of finding out your last thoughts. He would always know that in death he needed to be forgiven for something he'd done.

"Remus Lupin."

More hesitantly than anyone else, Remus came to stand beside Madame Celeste with his finger outstretched to her.

"Drink."

"If I can just hold them off a little longer."

Other students that sprinkled the rows around Lily were called, but she was lost in thought.

They were so young. It would be ages before death sought them out, but this made it real.

Lily put her hand over her heart just to feel the beat against her skin. One day it would be silent.

"Katarina Cooper."

Kat's dark fringe swept into her face, she was too nervous to arrange it properly. She cringed against the needle's intrusion, but Madame Celeste immediately forced the potion through her lips silencing the whimper.

"That's going to scar."

Looking disappointed her friend came back to her seat beside-

"Lily Evans."

On shaky legs Lily walked to the front of the class. She closed her eyes quickly so she wouldn't see the needle and thanks to her nerves she never felt the prick. "Drink."

She was forced to open her eyes and accept the inconsistent liquid into her mouth. As if she was being pulled backwards into her mind, she looked forward and her eyes were just specks of light in the distance. Words tumbled from her lips as they came from nonexistent thoughts.

"He will live."

In a daze she made it back to her seat.

"Evangeline Lowsley."

She felt so dizzy she couldn't even watch Evie make her way up to the cauldron. Lily listened with her head on the table.

"Drink."

"It needs just a little more swish."

Lily felt sick as she grabbed out for Kat's arm. When their skin made contact terrible flashes of light filled her head and she withdrew her hand with a lethargic shutter.

"Are you alright, Lovely?" Kat asked in a frightened whisper.

Lily grimaced in pain as she heard other voices, harsh and terrifying, mixed in with Kat's. She tried to nod but the motion triggered another round of dizziness.

"James Potter."

Evie placed a hand on her arm when she made it back to her seat, alarmed by Kat's panicked fawning.

Lily jerked away from her friend as flashes and pain wracked through her body. There a flashing image of what Evie must have looked like as little girl- big blue eyes and a halo of blonde hair.

Lily groaned. Her head felt so full.

"They'll make it, I know it." It was James' voice.

Something rough ran across her face and she jerked away from the sensation.

A humorless laugh, the sting of pain, a crying baby, and then she couldn't breathe. A solid grip of cold metal was tight- unforgiving- around her throat.

Her vision had long ago faded to black and she fought in darkness against the choking hold.

Colors, sounds, and textures ran rampant against her. The red of blood so deep and horrifying filled up her vision and she cried out with what oxygen she had left from the hold that still wrapped around her neck. A dull ache that grew from the back of her head was easily eclipsed by a million other pains.

Something cold cut slowly into her cheek and she could only wish for hands to push away whatever invisible assailant attacked her. It was unbearable…and then there was fire setting her flesh aflame and filling her lungs. The pain was like nothing she had ever felt.

Rational thoughts were abandoned.

She was floating away.

Her arm itched.

Soft little hands on her face, a flash of pink hair, and pain that landed like an arrow in her chest. The pain grew as strange verses and sentences filled her mind. The voices whispered of hate and sometimes love and most often about a boy.

And then one by one they were all dead- all the people she had ever loved.

All of their lifeless faces at once sank into her as nightmares. She twisted and turned against the nothing that went on for miles and years.

She screamed. It came from deep within and echoed through memories to decades to come.

And then there was nothing at all and without resistance Lily welcomed unconsciousness.

An immeasurable time later with savage breaths she filled her lungs and her vision settled around her into normal forms.

She was in the hospital wing.

Lily grabbed at everything around her; the sheets, the pillow, her own limbs. She needed to make it real again.

"I wasn't expecting one of _you_." The voice startled her into another scream.

Madame Celeste sat in the chair beside Lily's bed.

"What happened?" Lily fought the urge to grab onto the old woman- anything to hold her in reality.

"You dipped too deeply." The vague answer didn't clear Lily's mind in the least. "May I ask what you experienced?"

She tried to think back to the swirls and sounds. "….There were so many different colors… I remember red- dark like blood. I could have drowned in the darkness…. It was so much black."

Lily paused trying to form sense out of the images. "I felt things too- physically and I guess there were emotions as well."

"What did you _see_?" Madame Celeste looked into Lily's eyes like she was trying to call something forward.

She remembered them suddenly-all dead. No one had even closed their lifeless eyes.

She leaned over and vomited all over Madame Celeste's pretty robes.

Lily covered her face and moaned into her hands. Her cheeks were wet.

"It's fine." The Madame insisted. The puke had been cleared with a quick spell, but the memories still haunted her.

"I saw them…."Lily trembled over her words. "Kat and Evie, Honor, J-James and Sirius, Peter, Severus- they were all dead. Not just them either."

"Everyone dies, Ms. Evans." Madame Celeste told her with a bleak smile. "Even our friends….even us."

"They're not supposed to die so young though." Lily's tears were silent and continuous in their tracks down her face. "They looked the same, like it could be tomorrow."

The older woman looked concerned by the revelation. "I'm not convinced it was prophetic. Sometimes our current fears and thoughts can leak into even the best Seer's predictions."

"I'm not a Seer." Lily vehemently denied.

Madame Celeste studied her thoroughly before answering. "No, I don't think you are a Seer at all."

"Then, why? How? I don't understand what happened."

"I think you are extraordinarily connected to the people you love. I also think your future is highly intertwined."

"With what?" She was so confused. Even an ounce of understanding would soothe the desperate ache.

"I know this is hard, but you need to tell me what seemed important when you left yourself. I'm having difficulty finding the meaning of your experience. Think of the reoccurring themes."

"It was mostly flashes of images or feelings. I heard sentences, but not voices. There was this horrible face again and again, so disgusting it had to be a mask. Something hard and solid wrapped around my throat and I couldn't breathe. I saw my eyes, but different. It was like looking through a million different perspectives."

"I'm afraid I can give you no solid answers. It is possible that you entered several others' subconscious as well as your own, either by physical or emotional connections." The wrinkles around the specialists eyes pooled in concentration. "My only advice is to accept what you saw for what it was and that is something that cannot be understood or changed. I promise you, it will drive you beyond the brink of insanity to try and decipher the great beyond."

Madame Celeste gave Lily a solid pat on the leg. "Goodbye dear."

"Everything is fine now? I'm normal again?" Lily asked cautiously hopeful.

"I'd give it a week." Madame Celeste gave her an encouraging smile. "It won't be like anything that happened today. You might just see things a little differently than normal- a little more clearly."

She tried to return the divination specialist's smile, but found herself too tired to do anything but settle into a deep dreamless sleep.

The soft murmur of words dragged her unwillingly from sleep.

"Look at me."

"What?" The second voice was different. It was female just like the first, but the tone and direction were off.

Lily opened her eyes to be greeted by large brown orbs peering down.

"Why am I looking at you?" Kat asked curiously directing her question at Lily.

Confused, Lily scrunched her face taking in the rest of her surroundings.

She was still in the hospital wing, except now the room was alit with sunlight rushing in through the windows. "What?"

Kat continued to stare concerned. "You were sleeping and then you said 'look at me'."

"Oh." It was Lily's only response.

"You're lucky Evie wasn't here. She's convinced we should be writing down all the nonsense you keep spouting out." Kat stepped away from the bed, giving her more room.

"I was talking in my sleep? What was I saying?" Lily asked, curiosity lighting up her face. She had more energy than she expected and she put it to use sitting up and throwing her legs off the side of the bed.

"Complete nonsense." Kat giggled thinking back to some particularly humorous rambling. "Every once in a while something ominous would slip through and really give Evie a fright, but then you'd continue on with a spill about flying muggles or- my personal favorite- a lightning bolt with emerald eyes."

Lily pulled at her uniform embarrassed. It was just her luck that she would be the one to have such a strong reaction to the ritual. "Did anybody else… you know?"

"Nope." Kat didn't seem to understand Lily's embarrassment and she spoke with nonchalance. "You were the only casualty, but you should have seen everyone's reactions when you went down. It was complete chaos."

Lily covered her face in shame with a groan. She was mortified.

"Madame Pomfrey said you were free to go when you woke up." Kat realized her blunder and tried to sound encouraging at the good news. "We've got Hogsmeade if you're feeling up to it."

"Hogsmeade? How long was I out for?"

"About an hour short of two days." Kat answered staring at the clock.

"Blast!" Lily shot out the door with her tiny friend hot on her heels. "I've got a date!"

"With Harry?" Kat asked, a coy smile pulling at her lips.

Lily stopped, stunted by the oddness of the question.

"You talked about him too, when you were a sleep." Kat filled in studying Lily's face as if she was hoping to catch a slip of some secret emotion.

Irritated she had lost valuable seconds, Lily picked up her pace again. "No, with Callum Palmer."

"Nice one!" Kat congratulated. "And thank Merlin. The only 'Harry' Evie and I could think of was that third year, Harold Lane."

Apparently Lily's disgusted face was enough to reassure Kat that she wasn't preying on thirteen year olds.

"I don't see why you're in such a hurry, Lovely." Kat's shorter legs lagged behind Lily's long strides. "Your uniform is always that wrinkled. Palmer won't even be able to tell the difference."

"Bugger off." Lily called back to her teasing friend.

Kat was still laughing when they rounded the last corner before the entrance to the Head Suites.

Lily only caught a glimpse of the woman standing in front of the truth mirror, murmuring in a low tone, before Kat's rambunctious laughter announced their approach.

"Hello, Professor Crouch." Kat politely greeted their superior.

"Ms. Evans, Ms. Cooper." She returned calmly. She didn't move, continuing to block their path.

A tingle traveled up Lily's spine. "Is there something we can help you with, Professor?"

The professor's eyes never left Lily's as she spoke. "I was just marveling at one of Hogwarts' many surprises."

"Surprises?" Kat inquired curiously. She hadn't ever given much thought to the Head Suites' entrance.

"When I was the Head Girl, the suite was located in the normal house dormitories." Professor Crouch answered Kat, but her eyes remained glued to Lily. "In fact as far as I know, this is the only year that the Head Students have been given a residence in the faculty wing."

"You don't say?" Kat feigned interest. She was good at it though, and Lily was sure Crouch couldn't tell her true boredom on the subject. "Why do you think that is, professor?"

Crouch studied Lily up and down as if the Head Girl's appearance could supply the answer. "I have held the belief since I was a student here that Hogwarts has a mind of its own. I once heard a muggle saying that went something like 'if walls could talk.' Imagine all that these walls must know."

Professor Crouch's plain face frowned as she paused. "I would step cautiously, Ms. Evans."

Lily was startled. Crouch's nondescript brown eyes burned into her, Lily couldn't help but hear the threat that lay thick in her words.

"Hogwarts seems to think you need protecting." Almost in unison, the professor looked swiftly to the mirror and headed away from the seventh years.

It was hard not be alarmed and Lily watched Professor Crouch retreat with a startled expression.

Crouch's intentions were clear and Lily's first reaction was to run to Professor Dumbledore, but rehashing the conversation in her head she realized the older woman's words had been specifically vague. Repeated they could be made to sound like concern or simple curiosity.

Lily couldn't deny that she even doubted her first instinct about the threat, thinking over the interaction a third time.

"Lily!" Kat stomped her foot trying to break the girl out of her reverie. "I need a specific invite, remember?"

Lily shook the fog from her mind putting it away for another time. "As Head Girl, I invite you into my suite."

"You make it sound so dirty." Kat wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

An hour later and only five minutes late, they arrived at the carriages. Spotting her, Callum displayed her favorite crooked smile and waved her over.

"You made it." His blue eyes sparkled with surprise.

She scoffed dramatically. "As if a little prophetic episode could keep me down."

"I heard it kept you down for two whole days in the hospital wing." He pointed out with a laugh. "You're really okay?"

"I solemnly swear."

"Well, you sure look okay." His meaning was as obvious as his smirk.

She thanked him as he helped her into the carriage. Another couple followed them in that Lily recognized, but was unfamiliar with personally.

"Wotcher." Callum greeted them happily. "Good play the other day, Fisher."

"Thanks mate." Fisher, the baby faced boy, was all smiles. "I think we've really got a chance at the cup this year. No offense, Evans."

Lily shrugged. "As Head Girl, I support all school approved forms of house pride, but as a Gryffindor I have to warn you…"

She paused with a helpless sigh. "You really don't stand a chance."

The boys laughed and Lily realized she recognized Fisher from the newest Ravenclaw Prefects. _Were there any prefects who didn't double on the Quidditch team?_

"I don't know if you've met Primrose Tripe?" Fisher introduced the brunette who snuggled into his side.

"Hi." She gave them both shy smiles.

Lily was almost positive that the girl was not a Prefect, but then again the young ones all looked the same to her.

"You're the Slytherin Seeker, right?" Callum tried for conversation.

Primrose looked into her lap sadly. "Reserve this year."

The subject was quickly dismissed as Fisher kissed her cheek and gave her an encouraging smile. Obviously, it was a sore subject.

Arriving in Hogsmeade, they bid the younger couple farewell and Callum apologized profusely excusing himself for a quick moment.

The Post Office, specializing in muggle as well as Owl Post, was right beside the carriage drop off and Lily stood slightly out of view.

She didn't want to look like she was meandering awkwardly alone.

"Moved on so soon?" Silky and breathless, his voice came from behind her.

She fought against every muscle not to jump at her surprise. "Hello, Severus."

He did not move out of the shadows to stand beside her and she refused to turn around to accommodate him. It was he who was ashamed to speak to her in public.

She closed her eyes letting the swift pain role over, knowing how quickly it would wash away. She would have disguised her pained face if he could see her, but she was given safety by his stubbornness.

_Every time it got a little easier. _

"I never knew you were such a broom chaser." His snarl betrayed his jealousy as he spoke in a hushed tone. "First a Beater and now a Keeper- are you working on a collection?"

She isolated her cringe to just her face, making certain her back gave nothing away. To him she would be unaffected and it brought her much needed comfort.

In response to her silence, he spoke again. "I've recently been made Seeker."

He meant to offend her and cause a reaction, but she knew him well enough to detect the undertone of hopefulness as he spoke.

"Stole the position from a little girl, did you?" She responded thinking of Primrose's sad face in the carriage. "Does that make you proud, Sev?"

She could feel his stuttering anger despite the controlled tone of his voice. "Shows what you know. Tripe had already been demoted. Slytherin didn't want be seen as supporting a relationship with a mudblood."

It was easier than ever before to walk away from him, leaving him in the shadows as she greeted Callum with a cheerful smile.

_Yes, it got easier every single time to walk away from man who had replaced the boy she loved so much._

Callum and Lily found a table in The Three Broomsticks and he immediately set out to get them drinks. Pulling off her light jacket, she took a quick mental inventory of her surroundings.

Kat and Evie were laughing at Remus and Peter from a booth in the corner. Unfortunately, it looked completely platonic. She was just about bursting to confront Kat about her relationship with Remus, but she couldn't find away to bring it up without admitting her eavesdropping, especially not when the conversation included Remus' confession about fancying Lily.

The other half of the Marauders as well as their female counterparts were absent.

She found herself seeking out long dark hair and cursed herself.

She was very good at creating a big fat blank spot where Severus Snape still intermingled with her life. She was so good at it that they could often be in the same room and Lily didn't even realize his presence.

He just had to go and ruin everything by speaking with her. Acknowledging his presence at all meant taking a step backwards. It would take at least a month before she could capture her perfect avoidance again. _Damn him._

He was always ruining everything.

"It worries me that every time I find you alone you look like you are trying to inflict pain on someone with your mind." Callum admitted handing her an overflowing butterbeer.

She thanked him. "I would just try and stay on my good side- there very well could be a slimy git withering in pain somewhere as we speak."

"If I had known that you were as entertaining as you are pretty, I would have asked you out ages ago." He smiled taking a big sip of his drink. He allowed the foam to sit on his upper lip just long enough to continue his grin before wiping it away.

She laughed, accepting the compliment. "I can't say I completely regret my decision to sit beside you that day in History of Magic... It's funny actually-."

Just remembering the moment in class made her burst into laughter.

"What?" He demanded intrigued.

"It's just that I was convinced you were having some type of racy long distance relationship." She admitted laughing again.

Callum shook his head confused.

"You were reading a letter with this intense look on your face and when I sat down you shoved it into your bag so quickly, like it was burning your hands." She continued to laugh. Callum was not the racy relationship type at all.

"Oh." He tried to laugh with her, but he fidgeted in his seat uncomfortable with her obvious opinion of him.

Her laughter abruptly ceased realizing that telling a boy the idea of him having a bit of excitement in his life made her hysterical with disbelief.

"No, I didn't mean it like that." She insisted trying to soothe the burn she'd unintentionally inflicted. Here she was on a date with a proper bloke and she'd offended him before they'd even shared a second drink. "I'm sure you've had loads of racy in your life."

Her reassuring comment didn't seem to improve her slight as his smile vanished entirely and an awkward silence crept over them.

Her mind raced for anything to change the subject and she found herself blurting out the first thing that came into her mind. "What do you think about Professor Crouch?"

He was startled by her random outburst, but still considered his answer carefully before he spoke like a good Ravenclaw. "She seems effective enough."

Lily nodded, but couldn't think of anything to add. Crouch _was_ effective as a teacher. Admitting her suspicions would definitely make her seem paranoid.

"Plus, she's a Ravenclaw, so there's house pride and all that." He continued trying to fill the silence.

Lily hadn't known that about their professor. "Makes sense."

He nodded and with dreaded silence she waited for the uncomfortable atmosphere to return. It did with a vengeance.

"Hello, Evans." Piper Prescott's voice came from behind her. "Palmer."

Lily had to twist around in her seat to return the greeting. It was without a doubt the first time Lily had ever delighted in hearing the Hufflepuff's voice. "Hello, Prescott- oh er… Good day Sirius, Potter, Simmons."

Sirius, James, and Honor stood awkwardly behind Piper who didn't acknowledge the puzzled looks her entourage threw at her back.

"Hester's here too." Piper remarked sharply and for once Lily thought she might actually detect the rudeness Piper's words often portrayed.

Hester had positioned herself carefully behind James and Lily had to lean in her chair to greet the quiet girl. "Hello, Hester. I apologize. I didn't see you."

Hester's blush filled every spot on her face that hadn't been mutilated or scarred. Her silence was all Lily had expected, but Piper looked satisfied.

"We were going to sit with you." The blonde girl didn't fidget or react to Callum or Lily's confused expressions. "The rest of the tables are filled up with couples and it would be easiest to sit with the two of you. After all, James is Head Boy and Simmons and I are Prefects so any official business you were discussing could be done in front of us."

Before either of them could reply, Piper had seated herself at the end chair facing them. The rest of them were a little more cautious pulling out chairs and filling the seats: Hester and Sirius took the seats beside Lily, while James sat beside Callum with Honor taking the last spot across from Sirius.

"We weren't discussing school matters." Callum told Piper with a puzzled but friendly smile. "We don't mind the company though."

Lily didn't know what he was talking about 'not minding.' She certainly minded being squashed at a table with her current date, ex-boyfriend, her ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend, the boy she constantly fantasized about, and the boy's new girlfriend- _or whatever the hell they were these days._

No matter which way she looked, she was staring at an awkward situation.

She settled for staring at her butterbeer.

"You look nice, Lily." The soft voice came from Sirius and her head snapped up at him in surprise.

Honor looked at him with a shocked glare of her own. Sirius' girlfriend looked like she was trying to strangle her butterbeer, opposed to Lily who might have been trying to form a love connection with her drink she stared at it so vehemently.

"Err- thank you." She replied going back to her butterbeer staring competition.

The boys were left to point the conversation to the one thing every wizard could find at least fifteen things to say about at any given moment- Quidditch. And from there the group found it easier to stumble over other topics as well.

"I never knew you didn't have an owl, James." Honor was shocked when James asked Sirius about borrowing his owl.

James' voice called Lily to look at his face when he spoke, something she had been avoiding all day. "My parents do. They are really the only people I need to get in touch with who don't live in the same castle as I do. Besides, there are always the school owls and Sirius has Barney."

His voice was borderline defensive and Lily was terribly curious about the cause of his attitude.

"You can forget it mate." Sirius answered his request rudely. "Your ruddy cat is likely to make poor Barney lunch."

Lily resisted the urge to defend Snitch. The cat might talk a big game, but she was beginning to think he was secretly a softie. After all, he hadn't even tried to eat Harvey…Well, except that one time at the beginning of the term.

"Really, Sirius? Going to let your prejudices make judgments for you?" James' smile was rogue. She had never realized Sirius had such a hatred of cats. "Snitch is just particular about his company."

Lily snorted.

"Wait." Callum interjected confused. "I thought Snitch was your cat, Lily."

"-Well, yes." She replied uncertainly. "I suppose he's a bit like James' and a bit like mine."

"So…" Sirius' eyes were darting between them curiously. "You own him together?"

_Why was everyone looking at her?_ Sirius was making it sound…couple-y or something. She couldn't find the words to explain. It really wasn't a _thing_ they did together- like raising a child or something.

James was no help either. He just stared at her like the rest of them.

"Would you like to accompany me to the lavatory, Lily?" Surprisingly, it was Piper who offered an escape from their presumptuous gazes. It was the second time she had saved Lily from an awkward moment.

She agreed quickly and Piper, along with her ever present shadow- Hester, made their way through the busy pub into the line for the loo.

Silence was acceptable here and Lily was happy for the change. Piper and Hester seemed equally pleased to be silent in each other's company.

They were always like that, though. It seemed plausible that their friendship had somehow transcended words.

The two Hufflepuffs' friendship was viewed as something of an anomaly in regards to Piper's personality.

If you didn't look deep enough it would be very hard to understand why Piper Prescott had been sorted into Hufflepuff, and even more puzzling as to why she flourished there.

Lily, of course, thought about everything deeply and after much consideration the selection had become obvious to her.

Piper displayed all the qualities that Hufflepuff's valued, even if it was in the same backwards way that Piper always spoke in.

Piper _was_ hard working. She worked very hard at looking good and having everyone think she was perfectly enviable.

And Merlin help someone who stood in the way of something she wanted. The pretty blonde was also loyal if you could get close enough to her to be accepted. The issue was that getting close to her was nearly impossible.

Everyone knew that Piper Prescott was undeniably best mates with Hester Sprout.

Their friendship had struck off fantastically in first year. Tragically, Hester had been attacked by a poisonous plant the summer after third year which left her physically scarred in the face as well as mind. It wasn't anything you could you could put your finger on. Hester was just a tad bit off.

Piper remained fiercely loyal, if not more so, to her dorm mate despite her seeming obsession with appearances.

Hester was the only one who could count themselves safe from Piper. The rest of Hogwarts was vulnerable to her plots and schemes, if they were so unlucky to get in her way.

"Why did you end your relationship with Black?" Lily didn't notice that Piper was countering her stare until the shorter girl's question had erupted from her lips.

Lily paused, but Piper had surely grown accustomed to people needing an extra minute to process and reply to her bizarrely abrupt speech patterns. "I'm a bit confused as to why you'd like to know."

"You're pretty." Piper answered like it was the clear response.

"Er...Thank you?" Lily tried to retain the vague politeness their conversation held. "Could you elaborate? I don't quite follow you."

"I feel like it's important for me to understand the established relationships and dynamics, since I have decided to spend more time with the Gryffindors and the Auror's sister."

"You mean Honor, right?" Lily filled in for herself.

Piper had a habit of picking out what she deemed important about someone and recognizing them only by that quality. For instance, so far Lily's identifier was simply 'muggleborn.' "I don't feel comfortable sharing details about my relationship with Sirius."

Piper accepted her answer comfortably and a few girls filtered out of the loo allowing them to inch forward. The wait stretched on before Lily and her empty bladder encouraged her to skip out. It was obvious why Piper had wanted her along and she couldn't imagine the other girl protesting now that she'd gotten an answer.

"I've changed my mind. I don't have to go after all." Lily left without consideration for their reactions. She honestly doubted they acknowledged her absence at all.

The Three Broomsticks was nearly bursting and she couldn't spot the table hidden behind the numerous bodies until she was upon it.

She stopped nervously finding it empty save for one straggler. "James."

He nodded making an obvious effort not to look at her and instead of her shoulder as if he was casually searching their surroundings. "I apologize for ruining your date."

"Where did everyone get off to?" She asked instead of a replying.

"A group of third years got their hands on some firewhiskey and needed an escort back to the castle. I took points, but Honor and Callum decided it would be best to take them themselves since the students were Ravenclaws."

"And Sirius?"

"Left with Wormtail, Padfoot, and the Muggleborns." He told her still staring anywhere but at her.

"_Muggleborns_, is it?" She asked heatedly. There was something entirely grating about hearing Piper's words slip from the Head Boy's lips. "Pick that one up from your girlfriend?"

He laughed despite her escalating irritation. "I guess I did."

"Charming." Lily bit out shoving her chair out and leaving him sitting there alone.

She fought against the crowd until she was released into the chilly air outside the pub. She'd forgotten her jacket.

It wasn't worth going back to get, she decided. If she was lucky then someone would get it for her, if not then- _oh well._

There weren't any carriages and waiting didn't appeal to her, so she set off on foot. And even though a chill crept into the air, she opted to stay outdoors instead of seeking warmth inside the castle's doors once she'd made it back to the grounds.

She considered going to Sirius' "spot" by the lake, but even when she set off towards it she ended up at the Quidditch Pitch. That "spot" held a million memories while the pitch was a blank canvas. She couldn't claim a great love of the sport. Honestly, she only attended the games in support of her friends and there was the added bonus of Quidditch uniforms. She was hopelessly mad for a boy in uniform.

Arriving at the pitch, it wasn't totally a shock to find Sirius, Remus, and Peter taking up space on the grassy arena. They didn't notice her approach and thought about leaving them to their fun.

Sirius and Peter were wrestling on the ground while Remus laughed at their playful struggling.

_Sometimes they were such boys. _

It was hard to believe that after seven years and all the things she'd been though with them, that she still felt such a pull –_a need_- to be with them. She continued to watch them from a distance appreciating and envying the special relationship they had. They didn't even know how rare it was.

Lily's smile was genuine, but so was the tingling sting in her eyes. Their effortless love was something she wanted more than anything in the world.

She wasn't one of them though and with a pull against the strings that drew her to them, she turned and headed back to the school.

"Hey-… Lily?" One of them spotted her retreating back. "Wait a second!"

She turned back to them curiously. It was Sirius who requested her pause. A hopeful shard pierced her heart staring at her ex-boyfriend across the pitch.

The distance between them made it difficult to read his expression, but she kept quiet with anticipation.

"I think I'm going to head back." He turned suddenly to the other two boys with a meaningful tone.

Remus stared back at him confused while Peter took a tittering step as if to follow Sirius, but their friend shook his head and glanced fleetingly at Lily. "Stay. It's a nice day and there won't be many more."

Lily almost giggled feeling inexplicably as if she and Sirius were divorced parents and he was giving her the afternoon with their children.

Without another glance Sirius exited their odd triangle formation and Lily filled his space with a happy skip in her step.

She wouldn't try and downplay the significance of Sirius' actions. He was trying. It wasn't exactly a monumental step forward, but even a shuffle forward was a step in the right direction.

"So how 'bout it, Lovely?" Peter called her attention back to the grinning boys. They both appeared genuinely pleased to be spending time with her.

"What's that?" She tried to get her smile under control, fearing she'd scare them off with her enthusiasm.

"We were going to play a game of Exploding Snap." Peter bounced on the balls of his feet, making him appear more than ever like a little boy. His blonde hair was windswept and cheeks rosy. Peter's youthful enthusiasm was one of her favorite things about the fourth Marauder.

She agreed and after they'd transfigured Remus' jacket into a blanket, a raucous game unfolded as the rest of the afternoon passed.

"It's just unfair…" Peter grumbled, sporting a fair amount of singed hair and one less eyebrow than he started with. "They shouldn't call you Lovely Lily. It should be Lucky Lily."

She smirked in reply and shook out her undamaged hair, flaunting her explosion-less game.

"Yes, very lucky indeed." Remus agreed with Peter. His suspiciously playful look clearly said _'I know you're up to something. I just can't figure out your game.'_

"What should we do now?" Peter asked eagerly now that their game was finished. He seemed intent on ignoring the sinking sun and chill bumps that raced across their skin in reaction to the dropping temperature.

Remus spoke after a pause. "Another game?"

Lily was happy that her friends were just as unwilling to let their happy afternoon end as she was.

An angry noise erupted from Peter's stomach in protest. Despite the dimming light Lily could easily spot his blush. "I guess I should go eat…"

She felt twisted pleasure in his distraught tone. "How about we study together tomorrow, Peter? I don't know about you, but I'm overloaded with Charms."

"That'd be great!" He waited impatiently while Lily and Remus leisurely gathered their things, eyeing the castle longingly, but unwilling to lessen their time together.

Remus shot her a knowing look of amusement. "Go ahead, Wormtail. We'll meet you there."

But when Peter left them so did the need for food and Lily retook her spot on the blanket when Remus did the same.

The sky was only lit by orange and pink echoes of the sun, and they permitted a comfortable silence to capture them. Lily couldn't have felt awkward if she tried about Remus' past crush. In some backward way, it made sense. She would have been lying if she said that she'd never considered the quietest Marauder in that way.

With a healthy distance between them, they lay on their backs and looked for the first twinkle of where the stars would soon appear.

"Lily," Remus' voice made her pause at the seriousness. "I'm a werewolf."

She was too shocked to move, but oddly thankful for the inclination. Any sudden movement and she would likely to scare Remus into silence.

"If that's what's keeping you from being with Sirius then you should know it's my secret that he's been keeping." He continued in a quiet voice.

Despite the calming voice with which Remus shared his deepest secret, she could feel the tension that twisted viciously through his entire body.

Lily let out a breath so deep it could have building since fifth year. "Thank you."

"…E-excuse me?" Remus jerked into a sitting position, coming to stare down at her with disbelief.

"Thank you, for trusting me enough to tell me." She answered sincerely, copying his movements so she wouldn't be lying down.

A broken chortle erupted from Remus as he stared with perplexed curiosity. "You already knew, didn't you? Honestly, it amazes me more people haven't been able to put two and two together. And of course, the brilliant Lovely Lily would have figured it out long ago."

"I didn't know." She shrugged with indifference. "I probably could have if I wanted too, but it wasn't my place. It's personal and it's your business to share with who you like. I suppose, in all honesty, it was probably in the back of my head. I just chose not to touch it."

"You're not afraid of me?" His amber eyes narrowed suspiciously. She wanted to tell him that she wasn't playing a prank. _He_ was the Marauder. "I'm not a monster to you? How can you sit there so calmly as if I've just told you I have a passing interest in astronomy instead that once a month I try to kill people?"

"Blame it on my muggle upbringing, I suppose." She told him honestly. "At an early age I had to wipe out every preconceived notion I ever had about the realities of the world. Witches don't exactly have the best reputation with muggles either. I'm a blank slate. You are the only werewolf I've ever met and you're one of the best people I know."

"It really doesn't bother you?" He couldn't fathom her acceptance. "I feel like a fool. All this time I've been trying to keep this huge secret and I've ruined my best mate's relationship in the process. If I'd just told Sirius to tell you from the beginning then-."

She interrupted him. "Remus, be honest. When has Sirius ever not done something he really wanted to?"

His eyes flickered with reluctant admittance.

"It wasn't ever about _what _you lot were getting up too. It was about trusting me and wanting me to know. Did Sirius even ever ask if he could tell me?" She questioned as she pulled her knees under her, drawing her height up to stare evenly at Remus.

He wouldn't meet her gaze though as he shook his head in reply.

"It was easier for him to keep me in the dark. We both know that if he had really wanted to clue me in then he would have found a way." She continued without feeling the sadness which had once saturated the issue. "I'm sorry that you felt guilty. It wasn't your burden to bear."

Once again a thoughtful silence came to them and they both lost themselves in thought.

"This keeps happening." Remus broke the calm with an ironic laugh. "I expect the worst from people and they keep proving me wrong. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to take it better than James, Sirius, and Peter, but Lovely you might have succeeded."

"I wish you had told me because _you _wanted too. Not because you thought it was for Sirius." She lay back down with a regretful sigh. The stars were in full bloom above their blanket.

Remus spoke after a moment of quiet. "Me, too…. I always wanted to-… For a long time you were the only other person I thought _should_ know. It was selfish in the end. I couldn't give up the way you looked at me. You have a way of looking at people like they deserve to be seen, Lily."

"That's a very nice thing to say, Remus." Lily responded gently not removing her gaze from the endless sky above. "I won't ever tell a soul… I swear you can trust me."

He nodded. "We're about to miss dinner."

"Go ahead." She stretched out comfortably before rolling off his transfigured jacket. "I just want to think for a minute."

He agreed, but only if she would keep his jacket. He'd noticed she was missing her own.

_Remus is a werewolf. _Alone, she tried to wrap her head around the information. It wasn't nearly as shocking as it should have been, mostly likely due to the reasons she'd already mentioned to him.

Maybe, she really had known all along. She just needed to be told.

There was also her strange Divination episode to consider. Madame Celeste had warned her she would "see" things more clearly than normal. It was possible that her reaction was less emotion oriented and more rationally minded.

For something that she had once considered to be the ultimate symbol of acceptance with the Marauders, it was massively lacking in fulfillment.

It occurred to her that it might be time to unwind her expectations from the boys. It would have been easier if she just wasn't so positive she was suppose to be intertwined with them.

All of Lily's heavy thoughts weighed on her eyelids, until they closed and with a nonsensical murmur she fell asleep.

"Evans, are you completely insane?"

The redhead was jolted awake, muttering. "Merlin, not again."

Without the normal irrational moments following sleep, Lily snapped easily back to her mind. It was so dark on the Quidditch Pitch that the moon painted the world silver. Remus' jacket had returned to its natural form, leaving only her body and hair safe from the damp grass.

She sat up shivering and completely ignoring James altogether.

"What the bloody hell are you doing out here in the middle of the night?" He demanded. Anger made him a different kind of attractive. It sharpened the lines of his face to the point of perfection. He could have been sculpted as the perfect specimen of man.

"Getting a good seat for the first match, obviously." Her voice was scratchy and sarcastic. She wasn't frightened or shocked by his actions this time.

"Clever." He yanked her up by the arm. Despite the joke, his anger remained spiked. "You could have been kidnapped –or murdered! You stupid bint, there is a war going on!"

Violently, she jerked out of his grip. His words made it simple to match his rage. "I'm fine, you prick! It's none of your business anyways. Bugger off!"

"None of my business?" He spoke with a furious edge.

She tried to march around him, but he stepped in front of her with one easy stride.

"I wake up in the middle of the night and you're nowhere to be found!" He exploded.

She was getting _really _tired of these emotional outbursts. How could someone go from being untouchably cool to an irrational mess as often as James Potter did?

"So what?" She didn't feed his need for retaliation, and instead took on a new tactic. "The Head Girl is missing in the middle of the night and you think 'Hmmm…I bet she's down at the Quidditch Pitch.' Really, Potter?"

Nothing shut a Marauder up faster than questioning one of their mysteries. James stared at her taking deep breaths, but looking relatively less pissed off.

"That's what I thought! I'll start explaining myself to you when you do the same!" She took his silence as acceptance and set out again in her march towards the castle.

He impeded her journey once more this time by grabbing onto the back of her shirt and holding her in place effortlessly. The easy way he could physically control her, sent a rampaging anger stampeding her.

Using all her strength she charged forward and away from James' hold. There was only a split second of victory as she felt his grasp relent suddenly before she was sent crashing into the ground due to her own momentum.

He stared down at her, but without his reliable distaste.

The combination of anger, exhaustion, and the sting of her skinned hands and bruised knees, almost leaked from her eyes in the form of unwanted tears.

"You're useless." James said with a sigh. His voice wasn't marred by unpleasantness at all anymore. It almost sounded endearing.

He leaned over, but instead of pulling her up he reached for Remus' jacket. When he finally held a hand out to her, she sneered at him and got up on her own violation.

Her shirt had been ripped jaggedly all the way down the back and she struggled to keep it righted on her shoulders.

"I thought something had happened to you." He explained calmly.

She wouldn't look at him, holding onto her anger so she wouldn't allow other- weaker- emotions to make themselves known.

Wiggling in her shirt, Lily missed him sweeping Remus' jacket around her back. He was standing so close that she had no choice but to glare at his chest, while he finished tucking the warm material around her.

"The only thing bad that happened to me tonight was _you_, James." She snapped, refusing to be affected by his close proximity.

"…I was worried." His voice strained with the effort it took to admit the truth. "I thought something -…terrible had happened to you. I panicked."

It was as close to an apology she was ever going to get him from him, but she wasn't ready to let it go though. This wasn't acceptable behavior and it was about time he realized that.

"No." She lifted her chin with reinvigorated resolve. "It's not going to work like that."

Unfortunately, it left them standing so close their lips were likely to brush. As she searched his eyes, she was treated to a boy with a face devoid of barriers and walls- the embodiment of honesty.

James did not meet her gaze in return. With unhidden magnetism, he focused solely on her lips. She could have stared at him forever without the walls and airs of indifference he built so meticulously.

"No." She repeated weakly with no idea as to whose question she was answering anymore.

She couldn't take her eyes off the beauty of his face, but he didn't have a clue.

"Calm down, Evans." His voice was breathlessly lost. She dare not look at his lips or be captured in the same magic that had taken him hostage. "I just had to know you were okay… I'll tell you how."

When he admitted in his own very James-like way that he cared about her, she let her eyes sink to his unbearably soft lips. The return of the stomach flip kicked her so hard she inclined impossibly closer to him, gripping his shoulders like he was a life vest.

"-Wait." She snapped her eyes up in realization of the rest of his statement. "You'll tell me what?"

Their bodies had become incredibly intertwined, yet she didn't remember either of them moving. His hands tucked underneath Remus' jacket to settle on her warm naked back while she pushed her chest into his bringing their lips closer to their goal.

"You wanted to know how I found you… It's a map. We made it a couple of years ago. It tells us whe-."

She pressed her lips to his as gently as she did demanding. With unforeseeable control he kept their pace slow. It was nothing like their last kiss. There was still overwhelming lust and magnetism, but something else was there too.

He pushed her jacket off to the moist grass and the tattered shirt fell away with it. The cold wasn't a factor anymore though. She was on fire.

With a vicious need to be closer to him, she wrapped her bare arms around his neck as their lips kept pace with their craving need for each other. He nearly lifted her off the ground, securing her into his hold as if she were weightless.

A breathy whimper escaped her and without conscious thought, she brought her legs around his sturdy waist. He readjusted his hold to accommodate the new position and broke away from her lips, trailing a senseless line of kisses down her throat.

His tongue swirled sensually at the base of her collarbone and rational thought left the equation as she tugged at his shirt. He immediately responded to her aggression setting her back on her feet and letting her hands work the item free.

The space between them did not ease the crackling tension. His chest was hard and- yet, so soft. Her dainty hands felt every inch of skin and muscle. With innocent curiosity she dipped her thumb just beyond the belt of his pants.

"Lily." He hissed her name with breathless abandonment. It finally drew her attention away from his rippling abdomen and to his glazed eyes that bore into her with a million different emotions she couldn't begin to interpret. "You're… You're so…"

He didn't finish, but his eyes told her everything she needed to hear. She nodded in understanding and slipped back into his arms where their mouths sought each other wildly.

As if they had it planned, their hands immediately went to work at the pants that separated them. James made easy work of Lily's, pushing them off and then lifting her feet off the ground and out of them.

Unfortunately, Lily wasn't having as much luck with his leather belt. A desperate stutter hindered her progress and she whimpered her unhappiness into his lips. Swiftly, James responded trying to wiggle frantically out the fabric.

Getting tangled in the rest of their discarded garments, James lost his balance and with a solid thump hit the grass bringing Lily on top of him.

She stared down at him with surprised eyes, waiting for his reaction as the fall brought them both back to reality.

His laughter jolted her. Her ears were unused to the unabashed sound after their gentle moans. She searched for indignation at their current position, but the thoughts only left her joining into his fit.

Her lean legs slid down either side of his hips, bringing them intimately together.

The jostle of their laughter rubbed her body into his and in thoughtless response, Lily raised her body up and let her head roll back with pleasure of the sensation.

"Don't do that." James' husky voice said one thing, but sounded like he meant the opposite.

She stared down at him curiously, her breast heaving against the black bra.

"Don't do that or I won't be able to control myself." He finished holding her hips tightly to his, as if he feared she might really do what he asked.

She paused to stare meaningfully at him before slowly and deliberately grinding her hips into him, letting her eyes flutter closed at the electric shocks it rocketed through her body.

With a desperate moan, he flipped them roughly so he could lie on top keeping them connected through the fabric. He nipped and tasted her throat fleetingly before sliding down to her breast. Lily wiggled against him searching for the sensation of their rolling hips and when he held her still, she used the heels of her petite feet to drag his pants down his legs as he continued to feast on her chest.

"Please." Her voice was unrecognizable. "James."

Her strained begging only made her partner's actions more frenzied as he did away with her bra completely and finished the job she started removing his pants.

She used the leverage of his distraction to slide her hands to his waist and slip into his under things without hesitation. She wrapped her warm hand around the substantial length.

A guttural moan startled her as he pushed her back down to the soft grass beneath them. She stared into his eyes in surprise.

He stared back at her with wild glazed eyes. He was past the point of gentle and lost to the lust that she'd given up fighting long ago.

His wonderfully calloused hand ran fleetingly on the inside of her thighs and she bucked up at him with uncontrolled need.

"James." She growled demandingly.

He couldn't say no to her tonight and she delighted when a digit slid beneath her knickers.

"Wait." Her voice shook with effort.

He looked up at her uncertainly.

"Take them off." She felt stronger saying it this time.

James searched her eyes seeking something in her face, but found it quickly as he relented once again to her will and slid the lace knickers off her trembling legs. His under things were removed in his brief absence and she welcomed him nervously, wrapping her smooth legs around his hips.

"Lily." He moaned when his cock made un-penetrating contact with her intimately. His hands touched her everywhere, as if there couldn't be enough of her to satisfy his want. He muttered senselessly. "What are you doing to me?"

With careful movements, Lily brought her hand between them and positioned him at her entrance.

He let out a strangled breath, fighting the impulse to push easily into her wet tunnel. His arms rested on either side of her face intimately and she watched with fascination as he struggled not to lose himself completely to lust.

"James." She whispered with need.

He satisfied her request with a swift push that surprised them both. Dual gasps echoed through the night. He tried to pause to allow her to get used to his size, but the lust was overwhelming.

"Oh… fuck." He stared down at her as he slid in again and again.

The pinch of pain only suppressed her passion for a moment. The look of unadulterated pleasure would have been enough to make her soaking with pleasure, but add in the wonderful way his plunges hit the perfect spot and Lily was moaning against him effortlessly. On their own account, her hips raised to meet his.

She lost herself, his name bursting through her lips like a revered prayer again and again. Their cries ignited the pitch at a building pace until Lily crashed violently taking James with her.

All that was left were shallow broken breaths and the stars that had witnessed it.

There would certainly be questions later, but now wasn't the time.

He had given her what no other Marauder ever had- the truth for no other reason than he wanted her to know. It wasn't exactly the best reason to have sex with someone and maybe regret would come tomorrow, but for the moment it felt right- like a puzzle piece sliding into place.

James had called her pathetic, yelled at her, confessed hatred, and insulted her. He never saw her as 'lovely' or treated her as if she was breakable.

He set her on fire.

She wasn't in love with him. The emotions James Potter could set ablaze within her were alien and unstudied. They weren't always a good thing, but they _were _there.

She'd given him her virginity on the Quidditch Pitch a random night in October for no other reason than he'd done her a simple courtesy. He'd been willing to tell a Marauder's secret.

And yet- after all the things she had come to consider as mistakes, she couldn't bring herself to include this one.

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**Author's Note:** _100 reviews- Thanks, guys! I can't say how much I appreciate the minute it takes to support the story. _

_I'm caught up with myself as to what I already had written, so the chapters might get shorter in favor of quicker updates. _

_I can't wait to hear what everyone thinks… I haven't started with Ch. 8 so feedback is more important than ever. _


	8. Chapter Eight

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything and I'm not making in money. **

**Previously****: **Lily stuck Sirius with a non-debatable "knicker rule" which restricted them from ever fully having sex. James can't seem to make up his mind whether he wants to hate Lily or shag her. In the end a steamy trip to the Quidditch Pitch left Lily de-virginized. The new DADA teacher, Professor Crouch, is acting strangely and drawing Lily's suspicions. Evie likes to alter magic, often resulting with someone's hair the wrong color or other unintentional results. Baker (aka Harland Simmons) left on a top secret mission with the Aurors and Lily hasn't heard from him since. Remus abruptly informed Lily that he is a werewolf. Lily participated in a Divination ritual that caused her to have visions of all her friends dying and other temporary side effects. Sirius was briefly under the assumption that Lily was cheating on him with Baker. Astrid Wilkinson is the new Gryffindor Prefect who is a little too enthusiastic. Lily went on a date with Callum Palmer but things quickly went south when he unintentionally insulted him and both of their ex's showed up. Evie started seeing someone over break and they have a strange relationship that Evie doesn't mention much.

**Chapter Eight**

The Opposite of the Knicker Rule

Lily and James were silent as they pulled on various articles of scattered clothing. It wasn't an uncomfortable moment, but neither felt the desire to sort through their mess by talking still recovering from what had just taken place.

She finished wrapping Remus' damp jacket around her bra clad form and shivered as she waited for James to hook his belt back into place. Their clothes were smeared and rumpled, but the only real casualty was Lily's shirt which was ruined beyond even magical repair.

Without the need for a vocal trigger, they set out in the direction of the school in sync.

"Probably shouldn't forget these." James halted scooping a bundle of white fabric off the ground.

Lily snatched her forgotten knickers off his dangling fingers with flaming cheeks and quickly shoved them deep into her pocket. The atmosphere which had previously only tittered on the brink of awkward, nose dived into uncomfortable territory.

She doubled her walking pace.

"Unless you plan on explaining why the Head Students are out of bounds hours after curfew, I suggest you wait a minute." James called from behind her. She hadn't even realized he'd dropped out of their journey in her haste.

Lily did as she was told and watched as he caught up to her. A previously unseen bundle of silver was cradled in his arms.

She eyed it suspiciously. Her brain might have been fried with shock, but she wasn't completely nutters. James was still a Marauder after all.

"It's an Invisibility Cloak." He rolled his eyes at her unease. With a practiced flip of his wrist, he draped the cloak around his broad shoulders and disappeared.

She scoffed with stumped disbelief and grumbled. "Of course it is."

_Well, didn't that just make perfect bloody sense_? All of the Marauders' amazingly executed pranks were suddenly marginally less mysterious. It was really a miracle that they hadn't done more damage.

In some twisted way she was actually impressed by their restraint.

Without warning the world glimmered and she was huddled beside James inside the cloak. He barely gave her a moment to adjust before he swept forward picking up the pace she'd abandoned.

Feet from the castle's entrance, a flash of black caught both of their attentions as it swiftly moved towards them. A hooded figure rapidly cut across the grounds towards the entrance they lingered in.

"What the-?" Lily began but James cut her off, masking her mouth with his hand and roughly pulled her out of the cloaked figure's oncoming trajectory.

He held her back tightly into his chest and didn't remove his hand as a gag as he hissed into her ear. "Just because they can't _see _you, doesn't mean your big mouth can't get us caught."

It was really a shame that he didn't consider her unrestrained legs and with a hearty stomp, she rammed her foot into his.

Now it was him who had to keep his 'big mouth' shut as he squeezed her in pain.

Just as suddenly as the mysterious stranger had approached they passed into the castle and disappeared out of view.

"What's she doing in the Forbidden Forrest in the middle of the night?" Lily asked perplexed by the turn of events.

"What are you on about?" James dropped his hold as soon as the danger passed in favor of his throbbing foot.

"That was Professor Crouch." Lily had only caught a glimpse of the woman as she rushed by their invisible form, but the recognition was almost instant. "Couldn't you tell?"

"Sorry, I was a little busy dealing with the loss of three toes." He shot back with a glare. "Was that really necessary?"

She ignored him and continued impatiently. "Why would Crouch be sneaking out in the middle of the night? Should we go to Dumbledore? I just knew something was going on with her."

"And how exactly do we explain breaking curfew to the Headmaster?" James rationalized leading them forward under the cloak at a steady pace. The halls were silent as they past, except the soft padding of their feet and James' hissed reply. "Honestly Evans, we'd only get ourselves in trouble and even if it was Professor Crouch, last time I checked teachers aren't required to be in bed at a certain time. She was perfectly within her rights."

Once again Lily let rational thought overrule her instincts that Professor Crouch was up to no good. He was right anyways. It didn't stop her from analyzing the situation in silence until they parted ways without a word.

Her brain couldn't begin to process both Professor Crouch _and _James at once.

Developing theories based on her paranoia turned out to be a great distraction from obsessing over the fact that she'd had sex with James Potter.

Sunday had a dreamlike quality and she went through the motions with little effort.

In fact, she went a full thirty hours before the realization of her actions really set in. She was sitting at breakfast Monday morning when her thoughts crashed on her like a tidal wave.

_She'd shagged James Potter. _

It was unplanned, messy, and far from perfect. He wasn't even her boyfriend. Did this qualify her as a tart?

The whole scenario was so…not like her. She was the girl with the "knicker rule."

Technically Sirius had nicknamed it that, but she'd been the one to uphold it. Merlin knows it wasn't because she hadn't lusted after her boyfriend. She had wanted Sirius so badly that he'd even joke about her randy-ness.

The problem was that every time his hand would skim whatever enticing knickers she'd chosen, her mind would scream with a resolute 'NO.' She'd always thought she just wasn't ready, but if that was the case then where the hell had her trusty rule disappeared to Saturday night?

"Morning, Lovely." Evie took her seat at the breakfast table with swirling elegance.

Lily smiled in courtesy, but didn't slow her fork as she filled her mouth quickly. She was on a mission to get through the meal and off to class before having to face James.

The day before had been marvelously quiet on the Head Boy front, but she'd have to keep a tight schedule to avoid him during classes.

Evie twirled her long hair as she studied the Head Girl. "What's different about you?"

Another mouthful of warm food had yet to be swallowed and Lily choked unattractively. Was their some sort of secret physical alteration of losing your virginity that she wasn't aware of?

"Absolutely nothing." She defended with unnecessary vigor after she'd managed to gulp down the obscene amount of food.

"No." Evie took a dainty sip of her juice as she continued to inspect Lily calmly. "Something's different."

With a panicked fervor Lily tucked into her food at double speed, resolute to ignore Evie. Hopefully the shrug of her shoulders would be enough to appease the inquisitive blonde.

"What do you think, Potter?" Evie turned to James as he approached with Remus.

James slid carelessly into the seat beside Evie, across from Lily. "Hmm?"

"Does something seem different about Lovely?" Evie's hair was plaited from each temple to the back of her head. It looked rather angelic, except the curious girl was anything but innocent to Lily at the moment. "I can't quite put my finger on it."

In fact, Lily wanted to strangle her with said plaits.

James glanced up at Lily with disinterest. "Other than the fact she's got bags under her eyes?"

"You do look a bit tired." Remus cut in with a more gentle approach.

Evie stared at her for a moment longer. "You're right. I don't think I've ever seen you look so exhausted. I fixed up a little spell that could clear that right up for you, Lovely."

It was a miracle Lily could stop from openly gaping at James. Once again he had managed to stun her with his completely unaffected behavior. He'd looked her in the eyes as if Saturday night had never even happened.

It was the final straw in a long line insults he'd dished out to her.

He's indifference was a thousand times more hurtful than any cruel sneer or cutting jab.

"No." She answered quickly remembering all of Evie's other "fixes" which had a habit of backfiring. "I'll just have a quick lie-in before Potions."

"Excellent idea." Evie's smile was genuine reaching drastically across her face. "I like my Potion's partner to be tip top."

Lily was barely aware of her old dorm mate's continued speech, but studious Remus caught Evie's mistake. Lily, on the other hand, polished off her plate with little notice.

"Evie, you're partners with Luka MacMillan." He reminded her kindly. "Remember- Professor Slughorn assigned the partners this year. Lily is with Adrian Rooney."

"Luka MacMillan- that Slytherin prat?" James interjected showing the first signs of emotion all morning. "Bad luck for you."

Evie sighed lightly, but maintained her thoughtless grin. "Yes, he's quite dreadful."

With less than half of her attention on the surrounding conversation, Lily fled the table just as the Owls swooped in.

She was positive if she sat there for one second longer the overwhelming need to shout at James would become a reality. It wasn't that there was a certain reaction she craved from him. She had just expected to be acknowledged in _some _way.

Arriving at History of Magic early, Lily laid her head on the desk and struggled to not fall completely unconscious.

The truth was she _did _have bags under her eyes, but it wasn't from obsessing over James for once. Her nightmares were terrifyingly vivid, falling in and out of the same world she'd experienced after the divination episode. It was a restless sleep that kept her tossing and turning, but refused to loosen its hold to let her wake up and clear away the fear.

"You're not supposed to fully lose consciousness until the second half of Binns' lecture. Everybody knows that." Callum's smooth accent broke through her daydreams as he took his seat.

She opened her eyes, but didn't have the strength to lift her head up. "You'll be regretting that suggestion when I'm yammering away in my sleep and distracting you from your lesson."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." He mocked a stopping motion with his hands. "One date and I already know your sleeping habits? You're one of _those_ types of girls."

Lily laughed at his joke, but his reminder of their date injected all kinds of new uncertainties into the situation.

She'd gone on a date with Callum and ended up having sex with James? That didn't bode well in her favor. She was definitely sliding into slag territory.

"I'm not always that rubbish at dates." He told her staring uncomfortably at the wood in front of him.

Lily hadn't thought a thing about the awkward tone their time together had taken. She had so many other distractions that the whole incident had all but been forgotten.

Her brain kicked into drive, quickly trying to come up with something to ease the pained look on his face, but he cut her off.

"I mean we've all got…stuff, right?" His hands mingled together, showing Callum's anxiety. "I was just distracted and not operating at my highest capacity."

She sat up rubbing the lingering fuzziness from her eyes and twisted her long hair into a bun at the nape of her neck.

Lily could certainly understand "stuff." She was stockpiling dilemmas lately. From completely changing her outlook on life to muddling up every relationship she had, she could not discredit Callum's excuse. "Absolutely…. And if you ever- you know-…needed to talk, I'm a good listener."

Instantly the anxiety was swept away and his normal good humor snapped into place. "Excellent! I've got my next excuse to spend time with you."

Why couldn't everything be as easy as it was with Callum? For the first time, Lily was beginning to like a boy because she needed an escape from all the 'hard,' and not because he needed her. Of course the feelings weren't intense as she was used to, but that was only because the situation wasn't intense. It made perfect sense.

More than anything, Lily needed just _one _thing in her life that wasn't complicated. "Only if you promise not to invite along our ex's again."

He threw his head back and laughed with real humor. "Agreed. That Piper Prescott is a trip."

"I was more worried about Simmons stabbing me with her butter knife." Lily admitted glancing around the half filled room to assure Baker's sister hadn't arrived yet.

"If she hasn't done it yet, I doubt she will." Callum assured her. "I honestly thought she'd mellow out when Black finally came around, but it seems it's just pushed her to a whole new level of hatred for you."

His words triggered unanalyzed thoughts from the past summer. She remembered listening to Baker's friends joking about unrequited love and Baker's initial reaction to her true identity. He'd said "You're _that _Lily?"

"This might be a bit daft, but why doesn't she like me? Is it just because of Sirius?" Lily had so much going on she'd never taken the time to fully assess Honor Simmons' character. Her obvious distaste had always been dismissed as something for later.

Callum stared at her like she was thick. "Are you taking the mickey?"

She shook her head in reply.

"The way Honor talks about it you are on a mission to ruin her life." He continued flabbergasted by her cluelessness. "She thinks you go out of your way to take what she wants. I only dated her for month, but it became pretty obvious that she's borderline obsessive about the situation… You really didn't know?"

Her shoulders shrugged as she contemplated the new information. No, Honor hadn't ever been overly friendly, but she barely registered on Lily's radar half the time. Was it possible she had unknowingly been participating in some huge rivalry she hadn't even been aware of?

Once again Honor was pushed to the back of her mind as class commenced. The burst of excitement Callum injected into her morning was enough to detour Lily's immediate nap.

She patrolled the halls briefly before checking the lavatories on the second floor to fulfill her duties. A group of third year girls had taken to lingering between classes and it was routine for her to disperse them.

The four thirteen year olds groaned at the sight of her.

Lily grinned. "Off to class, girls. I wouldn't want you to lose points for tardiness."

They were filing out when Lily spotted The Daily Prophet one girl had forgotten on the sink. "Don't forget your newspaper."

She snatched the paper and caught up with the paused girls just outside the loo. Gratefully the girl extended her hand and Lily happened to glance down as it made contact.

It was Baker.

HER Baker's handsome scarred face was blasted across the front page. She jerked the item away from the surprised third year and set her eyes to greedily devouring the article that accompanied his (now) laughing picture.

**A Hero in Romania **

**By Featured Columnist Camille Collins **

_**One of the largest skirmishes to date, broke out yesterday between a group of Death Eaters and the Auror division known as the White Cloaks. The Death Eater Rebellion has mostly been isolated to premeditated attacks against muggles and those deemed undesirable, but when White Cloaks came across the Dark Mark late Saturday night they wasted no time in coming to the family's defense. **_

_**The newest member of the famed Auror division, Harland Simmons (delightfully pictured above), was able to not only save the muggles' five year old daughter, but also detain three wanted Death Eaters. In honor of his heroism the Head of the Auror Department, Warner Longford, awarded Mr. Simmons the Ring of Honor, the highest symbol given by the Aurors. **_

_**I think it's safe to say we all feel a little safer with Mr. Simmons on our side. Especially with a face like that, am I right ladies? **_

Lily released a staggering breath that she'd held in fear. He was fine. For a moment, she'd been sure something terrible had occured, but instead it was something wonderful. She chuckled imagining his swelled ego after he got word of this.

"He's dreamy, right." The tallest third year mistook her chuckle for a giggling swoon.

The other girls simply stared tentatively at their Head Girl, taken aback by her violent yank.

The obvious leader continued before Lily could reply. "We're starting a group if you'd like to join. It'll just be writing him letters in support, but I'm sure having the Head Girl join would give us a lot of credit."

Lily ushered them off to class after returning their paper and declining the invitation. Although, she couldn't imagine anything pleasing her best mate more than having a fan club, especially if she was participating.

Heading to the suite for a quick kip, she felt overwhelming relief to hear news that Baker was okay. On most mornings the glance through The Daily Prophet was a nightmare as she became convinced every flip would bring her the news of his death. The month had passed without word and no matter how prepared she had been for his silence, it still didn't ease her aching need for him.

"There you are, Lovely." Evie greeted Lily for the second time that day in Potions.

The quick sleep had been exactly what she needed and she felt refreshed returning to her normal schedule.

She'd checked the mirror before leaving and other than her permanently wrinkled uniform, she looked a lot better. She'd fixed her auburn locks into one thick plait that hung over her shoulder to hide the frazzled state her kip had left it in.

Confused, Lily took her normal seat and stared at Evie who was currently residing where Lily's assigned partner, Adrian Rooney, usually sat. "Where's Rooney?"

He was an alright fellow. His passion for photography was well known and they often socialized at Slug Club parties. As partners, they worked well together and always conversed politely while producing some of the best results of the class.

"We traded." Evie explained vaguely while unloading her messy supplies on the work space. "Luka MacMillan is cruel and mean spirited. I couldn't be partners with him. You understand, right Lovely?"

Lily stared back at her cherubic features that were twisted with hopefulness. She couldn't fault the naïve seventh year for wanting to get away from Luka MacMillan. He was foul. It was just that Lily truly enjoyed her partnership with Adrian, and unfortunately Evie was sure to pull her work down.

Sensing her hesitation, Evie brought out the big heartbreaker with pout of her pink lips. "He was always mumbling 'mudblood' under his breath when I messed up."

Well Lily couldn't very well allow her friend to stay in that situation now could she? She relented. "As long as you got Professor Slughorn's approval."

Evie gleefully clapped her hands and assured Lily that she'd already taken care of it. On cue the hefty Professor quieted them and began the lesson.

A minute hadn't even passed and Evie was sliding an envelope across their desk to Lily, who ignored the distraction with irritation. They hadn't even collected their supplies and Evie was already ruining her routine.

When the redhead showed no signs of acknowledging the letter, Evie whispered. "It came at breakfast just after you ran off."

Just to make her hush and focus on the directions, Lily shoved the letter into her bag resolutely.

They got through class without blowing anything up, but Evie had a habit of trying to "improve" the mixture with substitutes. It was the first time Slughorn hadn't praised her work and Evie gave her a sheepish smile as he wrinkled his nose and gave them a disappointed look.

Kat and Marley joined them as they headed to lunch.

"How did you get Adrian to trade with you anyways?" Kat asked curiously. The short Gryffindor's infamous fringe was dangerously long and in need of a good cut.

Lily had been wondering the same thing about her partner's switch. Being grouped with Luka wasn't exactly a coveted position. His reputation of a git was far reaching.

"I let him take naked pictures of me." Evie answered casually.

Marley, Lily, and Kat all sputtered to a stop as the tall blonde continued on as if nothing were out of the usual.

It wasn't until she checked them over her shoulder giggling that they realized they'd been had. "I only asked him nicely and explained the situation."

Lily gave her a doubtful looked, but resumed in the journey to the Great Hall.

Evie's smile turned sly. "I might have kissed him sweetly in thanks as well."

Kat and Lily laughed good-naturedly, while Marley's eyes grew wide scandalized by Evie's behavior. "Aren't you seeing someone?"

"Sure." Evie replied with a shrug of her shoulders.

Arriving in the Great Hall, Marley scampered to Honor's side at the Gryffindor table. Sirius and Emmeline Vance finished out their lunch group, while the muggleborns kept near them but separate.

"How are things going with your mysterious boyfriend?" Lily inquired politely. She needed to keep her mind off James. If he wanted to pretend that nothing happened then she refused to waste time thinking about it.

She'd train her mind to forget anything ever had. Her brain had already been programmed to blot out Snape. Really, the possibilities were endless.

"He's asked me to spend Christmas with him." Evie's face lit up as she told them.

It was the perfect catalyst for a conversation that carried them through lunch and she hadn't noticed James once.

Well until the end when he walked right up to her and asked to speak with her privately.

She nodded numbly and followed him down the long path between the tables. Her initial wish for acknowledgment was completely reversed.

It felt like walking to an execution. This effect wasn't helped by the fact that he kept a full step ahead, instead of falling in beside her.

Outside, he ushered them into a quiet alcove out of the way of student traffic.

And then she waited.

He looked as out of sorts as she had ever seen him. The angles of his messy hair were more severe and his eyes were anxious, darting everywhere but her face. This anxious side of him was almost endearing and she hated the attraction that still pulled at her.

"Obviously we have to talk about it." He blurted finally. The sentence was pulled out of him forcefully and his face fought the statement with a grimace.

Her mouth dropped open stupidly. How was she supposed to reply to that? Once again she desperately wished he had just continued on with his avoidance.

His restless hand flew to ruffle his hair as he waited for a reply that she couldn't provide. "Well?"

She was a fish floundering with no water. Her voice came out scratchy and wrong. "Okay."

"So we're agreed?" His brain was darting ahead of hers.

Had she missed half of their conversation? What were they agreeing to?

"Oh, good." Remus greeted them pleased. "I wanted to have a word with Lily."

As he approached they automatically added a step to the already wide space that separated them.

Remus made a confused face at the tension. "I'm not interrupting, am I?"

Lily couldn't do anything but stare at James. She had no idea what Remus was interrupting at all. Her grasped on the conversation had long ago disappeared.

"No." James supplied quickly. Suddenly he looked at her pointedly. "It was nothing."

_It was nothing. _She understood his meaning exactly. He wasn't just referring to their conversation anymore.

And as if to emphasize his point further he continued, his eyes barring into face. "It never happened."

He left with the final ominous statement, but the meaning stayed with her.

_It never happened. _

She had never had sex before, but she was almost positive it didn't work that way.

James Potter declared it and _pouf _her virginity was miraculously restored. Someone should alert The Daily Prophet about this. Millions of regretful girls would be flocking to Hogwarts for a word with the miracle worker.

"Are you alright?" Remus tried to draw her out from the bewildered gaze that followed James.

Like an elastic band she snapped back to herself. "Absolutely fine. What is it you wanted to talk about?"

His eyes glued themselves to his feet in a sheepish gesture. "I just wanted to make sure you were still doing okay with…my furry little problem."

Lily choked up a laugh at the humorous phrase trying to put the previous exchange out of her mind completely. She was positive she'd heard Sirius use it once under completely different circumstances.

"Remus, I really am okay. It was sudden, but I'm glad you told me."

"I didn't mean to spring it on you like that." He shuffled his feet as Lily studied his lean figure. He wasn't as tall as Sirius or James, but the lankiness of his build made it hard to tell when they were standing side by side for comparison. "I'd been trying to tell you for so long that it didn't even occur to me that I might be surprising you. When I was lying in bed that night it occurred to me that you hadn't been aware of my inner turmoil and it might have seemed random."

She placed an encouraging hand on his bicep.

"You must have thought I was a complete nutter blurting something out like that." He continued smiling at his own words.

"Don't worry about it." She told him with a genuine smile. "It was a brave thing to do."

His cheeks reddened at her compliment. "Maybe I deserve my spot in Gryffindor after all."

"I'm positive it was written in the stars." She joked looping her arm through his as they set off to Herbology. "You can trust me- I have a tendency to break out in prophetic fits…Plus, there wouldn't be any Marauders without you."

That night Lily's strange nightmares returned and although she slept the whole night through, she had fought to free herself from the horrifying images the whole time. It was far from a relaxing experience and again she sat at breakfast feeling worn down.

With the elegance of a zombie, Lily began filling her plate as the full group chattered around her. She was helpless not to overhear the incessant gossip focused towards Honor.

"I had no idea your brother had been inducted into the White Cloaks." Marley gushed to her best mate. Her yellow hair was finally free of the pink ends Evie had inflicted last term. "Why didn't you tell us?"

Lily eyed Honor cautiously. The Ravenclaw was positively beaming at the attention as she picked at her food with one hand and left the other glued to Sirius' on top of the table.

"It was really very sudden." Honor twisted her face into some vague semblance of humbleness and snuggled into Sirius' side. "Harland is very serious about his job. I'm sure it was killing him not to share more information…We're a very close family."

_Was that a joke? _Baker was never serious about _anything_, and saying he was close with his family was like saying Petunia begged Lily to come for a Christmas visit in Sweden. Keeping her face impassive, Lily set down her utensils to check the other faces enraptured by Honor's heroic brother.

Sirius kept squeezing his girlfriend's hand and giving her brave smiles, while Marley and Emmeline leaned in starving for more information on the great war hero. Kat, Evie, Remus, and Peter were also tuned into the tale with interest. Lily skipped over assessing James.

_It was nothing…It never happened. _

"Do you hear from him often?" Kat asked curiously. It was hard not to be interested in the handsome Auror.

Honor faltered momentarily, but the beat of flapping wings made her exclaim excitedly. "There's his Owl now!"

Lily watched as Baker's Owl, Biscuit, headed straight for them breaking away from the other birds.

Only instead of landing in front of Harland's sister, he perched down in the middle of Lily's half eaten eggs.

She giggled and gave the familiar bird a bit of her toast.

"Silly bird." Honor's laugh was high and false as she reached across the table to snatch the Owl's delivery off the table. "He's always getting confused like this. I keep telling Harland to invest in a new one."

Lily nearly scoffed at the idea. Baker would have invested in a new sister before he got rid of Biscuit. She stroked his feathers gently ignoring Honor altogether.

"No, look." Marley stopped the eager girl from ripping into the letter. "It's addressed to Lily."

Everyone's eyes turned to Lily expectantly, but she paid them little mind as she took back the envelope Honor held out limply.

"I'd forgotten you were good mates with him, Lovely." Marley interjected excitedly. "Every time I was over at Honor's house this summer, he was off with some mystery barmaid... What was it he called you- something muggle?"

"Whiskey." Lily filled in clutching the letter with watered down happiness. Her mind flashed to the comments Callum had made yesterday about Lily getting everything Honor desired.

However unintentionally, Lily had once again stolen something away from her. She would have felt bad if it weren't for the barely veiled glare Honor shot at her.

"Yes, that's the same Owl that came for you yesterday too." Evie gave Biscuit one last bit of food before he took flight.

The letter Evie had pushed to her in Potions remained untouched and forgotten in her bag.

Honor looked livid, but Lily was the only one to notice as all the attention had quickly been transferred away from the Ravenclaw. Trying not to make the situation any worse, Lily added the second letter to the first in her bag as much as the restraint pained her. She wasn't going to intentionally inquire anymore of Honor's wrath.

"Of course Lovely would capture the attention of a famous White Cloak." Kat joked only increasing the daggers that were shooting in Lily's direction.

Lily's unease was easily misinterpreted as embarrassment.

An ugly scratch against floor made Lily jump in surprise as Sirius made a stomping exit from the Great Hall. Shocked, the group watched him ago.

Honor was immediately distraught and her vision snapped back to Lily with a vengeance. For a half a second, she seemed to actually consider lunging across the table to strangle Lily, but she shot after Sirius instead.

If it wouldn't have made the situation a hundred times worse, Lily would have stopped her. The last thing Sirius wanted when he was upset was company. His temper required alone time, but Lily couldn't exactly point that out now.

Thankfully, there were three other boys who knew Sirius just as well as she did and Remus caught up to the fleeing girl with easy strides. One muffled conversation later, Honor took off in the opposite direction as her boyfriend.

As the day passed Lily was careful to check over her shoulder wherever she went. Honor wasn't going to let this slight go. She never did. The worst part was that Lily didn't dislike Honor in any solid way.

It would have almost been better if she did hate Baker's sister. At least that way she wouldn't have to feel so guilty.

Her letters from Baker remained unopened the entire day. Lily had big plans for her night though. An old muggle trick for getting a good night's sleep was to add a dab of lavender to a hot bath and that's exactly what Lily set to after dinner.

A simple locking charm fixed her need for privacy and she stripped quickly silencing the pesky mirror's need to suggest new ways Lily could improve her appearance.

She filled the unnecessarily large bath up to the brim and after she'd knotted her hair high on her head, she settled down into a longing seat carved into the side of the marble.

With a deep influx she filled her lungs with the calming scent and expelled the stress of the day.

Finally she unfolded her prized letters and opened the second one.

_**Whiskey, **_

_**Forgotten about me already? I'm that ridiculously attractive bloke you tried to shag all summer. Call me impatient, but I was looking forward to a quick reply to my last letter. I see how it is, playing hard to get... Oh, who am I kidding? I'm irresistible. **_

_**Write me back wench. **_

_**Don't be intimidated just because I'm a big stud in The Daily Prophet now. Yeah, Mum sent me a copy and yeah- I still look THAT good. **_

_**Seriously Whiskey**_

_**I miss you**_

She didn't know whether to laugh or cry with relief. He was still _her_ Baker. A little part of her feared that with the summer so would pass their easy connection.

It seemed her fears were for naught. She grabbed the first letter, giddy with pleasure.

_**Dear Whiskey, **_

_**There are not enough expressions of grandeur nor poetic justice to fully demonstrate just how much I miss...your breasts. I once said they were the most wonderful things I'd ever seen and I stand by that statement. Not that I've had much comparison deep undercover in Romania. **_

_**I can tell you that now that the mission is complete. I got tapped to join a fancy Auror division and the change is suiting my nicely. **_

_**It's been a hectic month and along with your breast I've also come to miss you as well. I'm as surprised as you are. I mean honestly, why would I miss trollop like you? **_

_**You're horrid. You don't bathe nearly enough. Your language could offend the foulest Auror I know, and you spend far too much time trying to get into my pants. **_

_**I hope you haven't been worrying about me. In fact next time I see you I plan on cursing you if look the least bit tired. **_

_**Now that I've inflated your ego you can start writing your reply. **_

_**I'm itching to hear all about your return to Hogwarts. **_

_**Love, **_

_**The Great War Hero sometimes known as Baker **_

She laughed out loud rereading each letter. He was just..._so _Baker!

Content that one worry was temporarily dismissed, she settled deeper into the tub and levitated her letters away from any stray splash of water.

The humming silence only broke for the heavy sound of wavering water when she wiggled some body part with eyes closed.

The lavender and hot water was the perfect combination for relaxing. In fact Lily was so calm that she couldn't even make it out of the water as she fell slowly into her nightmarish dreams.

It started just like it always did as a normal dream would. She was wearing her bathing costume on the Quidditch Pitch but it was half disfigured by a cool lake that tickled her toes.

She just watched as the water rose and rose until she was completely submerged. From below her with creeping ease, crimson streams floated in the water around her like blood. She grew irritated with the distortion of her perfect underwater view and kicked in the water to flee.

But the farther she swam the water only got darker and darker until it was so thick she had to use all her strength to kick against it. With unnatural speed something floated towards her and she tried to scream realizing it was Kat's dead body. The lifeless body was cut and disfigured as it halted beside her, daring her to try and get away with its expressionless face.

_This is a dream. _She knew it was, but it didn't diminish the need to escape the grotesque sight.

She kicked harder than ever against the thick substance that was undeniably blood and yet she could see through it as easy clear water. Another body appeared the same way as the first and Sirius' ghostly white face pushed in towards her.

_It's just a dream. _She was losing the battle against the desperation that gripped her and when Honor's body joined them, burned to the brink of recognition, Lily flailed wildly trying to escape- if not her dreams then at least the bodies.

Other familiar faces joined them, all pushing in on Lily until she was hysterical. Again the hand of metal squeezed her throat until she couldn't breathe or see.

_She couldn't breathe! _

Beyond the point of reason she fought mentally and physically to free herself of the prison. This had never happened before though. This part was new.

The dreams might hold her, but she could always breathe.

She was going to die.

"Lily! Lily!"

Like being dropped, Lily fell back into her conscious mind.

Disoriented, she blinked against the assault of the new environment, while her body shivered and shuttered erratically without her command. She was sprawled on the unforgiving floor beside the bath. The water shifted violently and sent cascades onto the floor, soaking her with ice water.

She had to have been asleep for hours for the previously steaming water to have chilled so severely.

A warm hand grabbed chin and directed her gaze into hazel eyes. He scanned her face rapidly, taking in her unfocused eyes and hair that plastered in circles to her face and down her body. Her bun had come unraveled in the shuffle.

"Lily!" James' voice was much too loud to be so close to her face and she cringed.

"W-w-what ha-happened?" Shivers shook her violently and her jaw caught as she tried to force words out.

"All I could hear was screaming and thrashing, but the door was sealed." As an afterthought he glanced briefly at the blown apart door. It was nothing but splinters and a gaping hole now. "I thought you were being attacked."

A glimmer of embarrassment leaked through her shock and she tried to sit up. His hands were hot against her icy arms and he prevented her movement. Still staring down at from his sitting position towering over her, he used one hand to wipe away the auburn strands that tangled around her.

"I-I f-fe-fell a-sl-sleep."She was so cold. The only relief was the almost too tight grip that James had on her arm. "It was ju-just a n-night-ma-mare."

"Must have been some dream." He seemed unwilling to release her and again and again his eyes and hands skirted her face searching for some sign of damage.

The worried way he fawned over her was such a different reaction from anything she'd ever received from him. He'd been irritated and furious with her loads of time, but genuine concern was completely new.

To both of their surprise, Lily burst into tears.

Later she could blame it on the near death experience, but the truth was when James told her that _it never happened, _it was one of the cruelest things anyone had ever said to her.

She'd given him the only virginity she'd ever have to give and he had as good as said that he never wanted it to happen. She might not regret it, but apparently he did.

His face showed real concern at her sudden emotional outburst.

"I'm still pathetic." Her tears weren't accompanied by sobs or obnoxious noises. They just poured fast and sure down her face.

"No." He answered simply with a sureness that had to make it so.

The warmth of his breathe on her face was nothing compared to the fire that ignited at the contact of their lips. She hesitated letting him taste the salt on her lips before responding. It was a light sort kiss that came with tentative first experiences, not irrational passion that left people shagging on the Quidditch Pitch.

She was suddenly aware that like that night on the pitch, she was starkers. It was her first instinct to halt the spiraling kisses, but his palms were like warming balm as they soothed down her arms and she couldn't deny the relief of the cold.

She let him continue to kiss her in this new way enjoying the sensation when he replaced his hands to her unprotected abdomen. With confidence his perfectly textured hands rolled up and down her sides until they slid over her hips and he hooked his thumbs forward to caress her thighs.

Lily wiggled for all new reasons now. She grew tired of the prologue kisses and sank her fingers into his thick hair so she could fully possess his mouth.

The new angle brought his soaked shirt into contact with her bare chest and she pulled back staring at the offending object with distaste.

He scoffed a laugh at her expression and just to wipe the grin off his face, she pushed him back and climbed on top of him shaking her drying mane out of her face.

The way he stared up at her made her second guess the decision to let this continue. Lots of boys had told her she was beautiful and even more than that had looked at her like they wanted to tell her, but James looked at her like she was Aphrodite herself.

He made a quizzical face at her pause and she dismissed the silly notion altogether.

He was a boy. Of course, he was going to stare at her like that. He'd found someone willing to indulge him.

When she struggled with his wet shirt, he leaned up to help her allowing her lips to catch the perfect spot just below his earlobe. She suckled the tender area sweetly as he locked his arms around her holding her to him like she might flee at any moment.

It took a shower of peppered kisses down his chest to make him recline back to the stone floor and she secretly rejoiced in the uninhibited moan that escaped him while she sensually pulled the rest of his clothing off moving slowly down his legs.

James Potter lying completely naked staring back at her with a need only she could fulfill was by the far the sexiest thing she'd ever witnessed in her life.

He groaned as her small hands started at his calves and ran a tortuous path up the toned muscles in his legs. She felt such wicked pleasure that she could cause these sorts of reactions from him.

His breathing was strained and he made a move to pull her lithe body against his, but she dodged him easily. She wasn't done touching. There was just so much of him that begged to be explored. She didn't know where to start.

Her fingertips only skimmed the dangerous dip of his defined hip bones before she was distracted by the subtle waves in his abdomen that quivered under her full palms. He groaned appreciatively as her path was suddenly redirected south and she let her breath tickle the skin as she lowered herself until she was blowing hot air onto his erect penis.

"Merlin, yes."His deep voice breathed out in a rush as she worked her hands up and down in the most satisfying way. She could be confident that she was at least good at this part of sex. This she was plenty familiar with.

She watched his twisting face.

Seeing the stoic Head Boy in such a state was unbelievable erotic. He had barely touched her and she was drenched. The power intoxicated her.

His hips jerked along with her hand and she knew he wouldn't last long. There was only a brief sigh at the loss of contact before she'd gracefully brought her moist center to rest on his abdomen. The skin to skin contact with her clit brought her hips forward involuntarily as the friction gathered even more fluid for lubrication.

Regaining herself she lifted her hips and with a wiggling uncertainty brought her body down on his allowing his cock to penetrate her.

She'd never been on top before, but her body reacted like a seasoned veteran.

She'd liked sex fine before. Of course there was only the one time and it had hurt a little, but her first time had practically been a fairytale compared to other stories. It had felt great.

But this- this was like nothing she'd ever imagined.

Her body was under the control of unforeseen pleasure as her hips came down on his again and again with insatiable need. One second she was being impossibly filled and with only a jerk of her hips a new sensation ripped through her as her clit rubbed against his hard body.

"Yes." She chanted lost in the impossible pleasure, throwing her head back in surrender to the building momentum.

Vaguely she could feel his big hands clenched around her hips as he pushed her faster and faster. With a rough squeeze of her flesh, he came. His face twisted with satisfaction and just as quickly she ground her hips into his with abandoned want and crashed over the impossible mountain with a breathless spill of senselessness.

Noisy breaths echoed back at them from the marble lavatory, demanding an explanation but Lily was too exhausted to lift her head up much less question how something _that never happened_ had happened again.

She'd collapsed off of him at her satisfaction and had no choice but to watch his rising chest and closed eyes as he recovered silently. There was a good possibility he was asleep and she would have happily joined if it weren't for the cold that was already beginning to ravage her body now that the fire was extinguished.

"Potter?" She questioned quietly.

His even breathing remained consistent. "Hmm?"

"Will you help me to my bed?" If her legs had responded to her demands with the slightest twitch she would have gratefully waited until she could crawl, but chances were that she'd freeze to death before she regained the use of her legs.

Her pride was soothed slightly as he stumbled to his feet with little grace. She prepared her arms for a matrimonial type hold, but he took her by surprise as he swung her over his shoulder leaving her bare ass in the air.

Lily growled, but kept quiet. She'd take what she could get.

With an ungentle swing he dropped her into the comforting warmth and she clawed at the fluffy quilt bringing it around her. To her surprise, James flopped face down onto the bed beside her but didn't make a move to get under the covers. Even she was too tired to appreciate the glorious view of his bottom, so she couldn't fault him for not making it back to his bed.

"I'm going to get up in a minute." He grumbled into the quilt his face was buried in, answering her unspoken thoughts.

It didn't matter. She wasn't even awake long enough to hear his finished sentence.

James was gone when she woke up the next morning, but her nudity and sore legs were evidence that their interlude hadn't been just a very saucy dream.

She had shagged him…again.

Uncomfortable with the turn of events, Lily rolled to the side where Harvey's aquarium perched at her current eyelevel.

No matter her current inner turmoil Harvey looked positively radiant. Lily stuck a finger to the glass and watched as her tiny companion trekked over to the disturbance. His miniature claws slid helplessly down the slick glass as he tried to make contact with her hand.

She had no choice but to ignore his wishes for the time being. Sprinkling food into the turtle's home, she began getting ready for the day with a sigh of regret.

Harvey could've made her feel better.

The lavatory was cleaned to its normal pristine level, but the door that James destroyed wasn't replaced leaving a gaping hole on his side of the loo.

The Head Boy was nowhere to be found.

Her late sleep had pushed out of the option of breakfast and she was nearly late for DADA. Professor Crouch took extra pleasure in ringing out Lily's near tardiness in front of the class, mentioning several times how Lily was supposed to set an example as Head Girl.

The seventh year Gryffindor and Hufflepuff students were assigned groups for the lesson and then given time to design a tactical ploy to work through fictional scenarios.

Lily was in a group with two other Hufflepuffs and the three of them immediately began in silent scheming. Unfortunately the group next to theirs wasn't as polite. Lily was annoyed with the three rabbitting girls, until a particular strand of conversation caught her interest.

"…with James Potter?" The giggling voice that accompanied the question belonged to a Hufflepuff whose name Lily hadn't bothered to learn. The only girl out of the three that Lily did recognize was Piper Prescott.

"We attended The Three Broomsticks together." Piper replied curtly.

"Obviously." The girl dismissed. "Are you like an item?"

"No, he's not my boyfriend." Piper answered simply. "We enjoy spending time together."

The mystery giggler huffed. "Oh… Well do you want to date him?"

The girl was obviously desperate for gossip, but Lily couldn't help but be thankful for her annoying persistence.

"Yes." It was her truthful response. Piper was rarely anything but honest after all.

Something unpleasant tickled Lily's emotions and she ignored the rest of the conversation. Did she feel guilty?

James and Piper weren't in a relationship. No one had cheated.

And if it made her feel so terrible then why did an excited jolt shoot through her at the thought of it happening again?

It was like a craving…but not for James. She adored the way he made her feel.

During her free period that afternoon, Lily sought the silence of the library so she could reply to Baker's post.

_**Dearest Baker, **_

_**You are a randy git. **_

_**There- now that that's out of the way… As much I enjoy a love letter to my bits, I would have much preferred to hear more about a certain promotion with the Aurors. Congratulations on the White Cloak. Even a muggleborn like me understands the honor in that. **_

_**Hogwarts is…complicated. I'll tell you about it in person. We have a date over Christmas holiday to get nice and sloshed together. You owe me a shot of firewhiskey to make up for your sudden disappearance at Kat's birthday party. **_

_**Love, **_

_**Whiskey (But only you're allowed to call me that) **_

She sent it at lunch instead of eating. It wasn't such a sacrifice as she also missed interacting with her peers. At this point any situation that threw her and James together was likely to end with shagging.

How did that keep happening? She'd gone six full years without mounting the Chaser and now she couldn't stop.

"Hello!" Lily was jolted by the volume level of the voice that disrupted the library's quiet.

"-Er…Hello." She returned as the younger student perched in the seat beside Lily's. It took a minute to recognize the chubby blonde as the newest Gryffindor Prefect who had some minor stalker tendencies. "Good day, Wilkinson?"

"Astrid." The fifth year requested. "I was going to speak with you at the Prefect Meeting, but since we're both here now…"

Lily closed the book she'd been attempting to study with a sigh. It was obvious she wasn't getting anymore work done. "What can I do for you?"

"Okay, well the thing is… I've been trying to get invited to the Slug Club forever. There's this huge Slug Club party on Halloween and I _have _to go." Her big blue eyes grew with the sincerity in her voice. It was clear she considered this a matter of great importance. "And you're the most important student at Hogwarts. Not to mention everyone knows how Professor Slughorn adores you… I'd owe you forever if you'd get me invited."

Lily considered her hopeful face. "…Okay, I'll talk to Professor Slughorn, but I'm not making any promises."

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Astrid bounced in her seat like a spring was attached to her bum.

Lily quieted the overly excited girl before the librarian could. Again she assured Astrid that she could only do so much, but the girl pranced away like she'd just won the House Cup.

The Head Girl left the library shaking her head. She yanked her heavy school bag further up her shoulder and caught a flash of familiar hair disappearing around the corner ahead.

A sudden burst inspiration struck her and she sped up to a jog. One thing was certain- she couldn't make her dwindling friendship with Sirius any worse.

She'd spent a lot of time this year just getting out of his way. He really confused her when he had stormed out of the Great Hall. Obviously he misunderstood her connection to Baker again. It wouldn't have taken him long to make the connection between the mystery man he'd accused her of cheating on him with and her supposed Auror admirer.

It was clear that Sirius wasn't going to ask her for the truth so she made the decision to _get in his way_.

So even when he ignored her previous two calls she continued her chase until she stepped right in his path.

"Honestly, Lily." He complained as he was forced to a halt.

Winded from her hurry, she tried to catch her breath now that they were face to face.

"Did you have something to say or did you just want to cause a scene?" He snapped.

It was true. Bustling students shot them confused glances as they passed. Lily and Sirius' relationship had been well known but so had their breakup.

"You're upset with me." She prompted him ignoring his harsh tone and adopted a conversational one instead.

A frustrated noise escaped him and he shook his head. "I'm not."

His denial threw her off balance. "Then why did you react that way in the Great Hall?"

"You just don't get it." Tension exuded from his hands as he rubbed his eyes in a pained motion.

"I know what it looks like." Lily told him falling back into her original plan of explaining the truth. "But I wasn't _with _Bak- I mean- Harland in that way. He's my mate. You were my boyfriend."

"Bloody hell." An angry edge infiltrated his exclamation as he leaned towards her. "Just stop. I know that you weren't cheating on me…Give me a little credit. Other than a kneejerk reaction I do know you better than that."

"Then why-."

"Do you have any idea how frustrating it is for me to be around you?" He cut her off viciously. "Merlin, Lily you walk around like nothing even happened between us!... You just don't get it. There will be times when I'm convinced that I really am moving on and then _bam_ I'm reminded again how much I can't stop caring about you. It's one step forward and three steps back…but not for you, Lovely. You're life barely even snagged. Did you ever even care about me at all?"

Her heart ached for the hurt she'd inflicted, but the truth was that she didn't share his pain at all. She was focused on reestablishing her friendships with the Marauders. Her relationship with Sirius barely felt real anymore. "Sirius…"

"No." He stopped her with a wave of his hand, backpedaling like she was contagious. "I just…can't."

She watched him go.

She _knew _she had loved Sirius.

So why was it so different for him? There had been no mourning of the relationship on her end. Seeing him with Honor didn't stir in envious feelings in her gut. He didn't invoke much reaction from her at all actually.

Was she defective?

And suddenly all she could feel was the numbness. Not because the feelings were gone, but because they had never been there to begin with. It was abundantly clear that she had never loved him in that way at all.

The truth of his words forced her to accept something that she'd feared all along and the numbness gripped her tighter. She felt like a monster. What if she wasn't capable of being in love?

It was amazing how not feeling could feel so damn terrible.

As she lay in bed that night she went over her relationship again and again. They had been together for so long and yet she couldn't attribute any deeper feelings to him than her other friends. For the first time in her life she had to consider the fact that she wasn't meant for a great love. She couldn't even fall in love with her boyfriend.

In some backwards way she wanted more than anything to trade with Sirius. At least the pain came with the knowledge that _he could _feel that way about someone.

She'd been so positive that she loved Sirius and she had. She truly loved him…but she wasn't nor had she ever been _in _love with him.

The realization cleared away many uncertainties she'd collected. Except when the questions were gone she felt loneliness fill up all the new empty space.

She _needed _to feel.

On the pads of her feet she slipped out of her bed and into the darkness. The unknown of the black made her journey quick and skittish through their adjoining lavatory and into the Head Boy's room.

She'd learned a lot since James' declaration last term.

She knew that she could be loved for the person she really was- faults and all.

She knew that it was okay to make mistakes as long as she took something from them.

She knew that life was about give and take.

And right now she knew that James Potter made her feel…something.

Her bedclothes were left at the end of his bed and she slipped under his quilt naked beside him.

"Shhh." Her finger was a feather against his lips as he groggily awoke from his slumber.

She replaced her finger with lips and pulled him fully awake with the sensually slow motion of her kisses.

Instead of speaking his eyes questioned her when she pulled away.

"It's okay." She told him trying to convey her true needs without words. She didn't want anything from him except to feel whatever it was having sex with him sparked in her.

Whether he understood or not, he brought her flush into the sheets that were warmed from his body. His skin was always so hot. Her hands were a contrast of cold and he shivered as she slipped them around his neck above her.

Her voice mumbled against the pressure he applied to her mouth. "It never happened."

The repetition of his own words drew him back.

"It's nothing." She assured him trying to ease any doubts that she didn't understand exactly _what _was going on between them. "-Just a good shag."

Her demanding lips and hands didn't give him a chance to interject and for the third time she gave herself to him.

She just needed to feel.

There would be no misconceptions about love.

And afterwards- it never even happened.

10101

**Author: **_As always thank you so much for your reviews. They really do give me a kick to keep on writing. _

_Unfortunately due to my long chapters, I throw a lot of plot at the readers and it's hard to get feedback on all the details. So really ANY review is appreciated but if you have time there are things as a writer I'd love to get feedback about: _

One. How do you feel about Professor Crouch?

Two. The Smut: more or less?

Three. Is Lily's decision to start a purely physical relationship with James the right choice?

Four. Were you happy to hear from Baker? He's been MIA for awhile.

Five. Are all of the original characters overwhelming? My plot is so intricate that certain OC's take a while to develop and I'm trying not to throw too much at you, but should I try and tone it down even more?

Six. How do you feel about Callum Palmer?

Seven. Can you relate to Honor Simmons? Do you feel bad for her or just wish she'd get the hell over it?

Eight. Can you connect any of Lily's prophetic visions with things from cannon? Not in this chapter but the last…

Nine. Is the lack of perspective from James driving you crazy?

Ten. Does Remus explanation of his rather unorthodox announcement of being a werewolf make sense?

Eleven. Do you like the chemistry between James/Lily? How could I improve it to be more enjoyable?

_Please don't feel like you have to answer any or all of my questions… Even a "glad you're still alive" or "not your best work" is appreciated. And of course, if there is something completely different you'd like to comment on- please share… I'm just trying to improve as a writer so even one answer can help me write a better story! _

_Thanks everyone! _


	9. Chapter Nine

Love and Other Tragedies

By Fancyeyes

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. I'm not making any money.

**Previously: **

Lily has a VERY busy life. She is Head Girl and dealing with the escalating Death Eater Rebellion that has placed her best mate Baker/Harland on the front line. She also meets with Professor Slughorn once a week for extra Potions' sessions which are more important than ever because she's partnered with Evie (who is lovable, but has a terribly unsuccessful habit of altering magic) and agreed to help the fifth year Gryffindor Prefect (and possible stalker) Astrid Wilkinson get into Slug Club so she could go to the Halloween Party ("_which is like totally the biggest deal ever!"_). There is also the strange behavior of Professor Crouch to worry about who went out of her way to warn/threaten Lily about the first ever private Head Suite and its indication that Hogwarts believes they are in danger. There is even a Truth Mirror that demands the truth before you can enter. As if things couldn't be more complicated Lily and James have begun a purely physical relationship, but they are still quasi connected to charming Ravenclaw Callum Palmer and irritatingly proper Piper Prescott. Also the Head Students may or may not have a cat together, Snitch, but the Knut sized turtle, Harvey, is all Lily's. Something else that is all Lily's is Honor Simmons' jealousy about pretty much every aspect of the Head Girl's life.

The other players include Kat who ditched Lily during the summer when her mother gave her a little sister and removed Kat from the "only child" club (much to her dismay). There is also Hester Sprout (irrefutable best mate of Piper Prescott) who is physically and emotionally scarred. There is also the briefly mentioned Luka MacMillan (Slytherin seventh year who almost everyone agrees is dreadful), Christos Savales (barely noted sixth year Gryffindor Chaser and Prefect), and Amarina Diggory (who happily welcomed her new nephew, Cedric, at the beginning of the year). We also learned that Warner Langford is the Head of the Auror Department who awarded Baker/Harland the Ring of Honor for his heroics.

**Chapter Nine**

**A Result of Benefits **

Lily was having a very difficult time focusing on the potion she was brewing. The liquid was a dense navy that matched the color of knickers James had pulled down her legs only hours ago when they ran into one another before morning classes. Even the thud of her hammer smashing the mineral into powder was the same sound the couch had made as he thrust into her again and again.

She could go on and on…

And she had for the last two weeks. She couldn't pay attention to any activity that wasn't shagging James Potter. It wasn't her fault that they were just so good at it. They were putting in enough practice to both be experts at this point.

"Oh, no no no!" Professor Slughorn snapped Lily from her daydreams as he flailed his arms in distraught circles. "It's supposed to be chunks, not powder! And you've mixed the ingredients completely in reverse."

She stared down at her ruined potion with a frown. "Oh."

The round man sighed heavily and vanished her unusable work. "I've never known you to be so careless, Ms. Evans."

The shinning copper of her empty cauldron mocked her as she ran through excuses to satisfy her favorite teacher. She couldn't very well tell him that she was too busy fantasizing about the way the Head Boy had hiked her leg up and how it allowed him to hit the perfect spot.

"I've just got a lot on my mind, Professor." She didn't have to fake the sincerity of her statement. "I'll do better, I swear."

He studied her with an unreadable expression for a long moment before letting go of a worried sigh. As if the air was being released from his enormous balloon belly, he sank into the stool beside her station. The wood creaked with warning under his weight.

"I'd say we're all a little out of sorts these days." He began with an empathetic tone. "All this silliness with the Death Eaters is starting to get out of hand. I admit even I have grown anxious in the current social climate."

Lily thought he might be understating things a bit. The Death Eater Rebellion had erupted with a vengeance and every day they were met with fresh news of attacks on muggles and sympathizers alike. To make matters worse, Hogwarts' students were starting to be pulled from school.

It didn't make much sense to Lily. Why leave the safest place in the Wizarding World where Dumbledore was willing to protect them?

In the end all the absences did was cause more worries amongst the students and force Headmaster Dumbledore to pile on even more responsibilities to their growing list of Head Duties.

"I would say we all need a break." He relinquished the serious subject with relief. "The Halloween Party is the perfect solution! We can all kick back and relax. I can't think of anything better! And did I mention that Warner Langford has agreed to stop by if his schedule remains clear on the night? It's highly unlikely with all that's going on with the Aurors these days, but it will be a great opportunity if he does manage to make an appearance."

Lily could think of quite a few things she'd rather be doing than spending an evening at a Slug Club party, but she had to admit curiosity about seeing the Head of the Auror Department. It wasn't like she had a choice regarding her attendance anyways. She was on the verge of falling out of Slughorn's good graces and missing his precious party would definitely be the end of her charmed status.

Then there was the matter of Astrid Wilkinson. "How did things go with my friend Astrid, Professor?"

"Oh, yes. She's agreed to attend." His eyes wrinkled with confusion as a faraway look glazed his eyes. "I had no idea her family was of such high standing in the muggle world. Was it the President of Norway you mentioned?"

Lily inwardly cringed at her lie. She had to come up with some reason for the professor to take interest in the fifth year though. It obviously wasn't going to be Astrid's Potions' skills. Slughorn had been rather stumped when Lily even suggested the Gryffindor Prefect was worthy of the Slug Club.

"Something like that." She avoided his eyes and quickly changed the subject. "What are you making there? It's beautiful."

Professor Slughorn's eyes lit up with excitement and the chair gave a grateful sigh as he launched his body to the work station beside Lily's. "This is Felix Felicis."

Lily remembered the potion from last year. "Are you making a sample for the sixth years?"

"Oh, no." He carefully dipped his wand into the smooth substance and watched with rapture at the gold liquid luck. "This one is for me."

Lily cocked her head to the side, interested. "Planning on taking some risks, Professor?"

His deep laugh rattled his lungs and finished as a cough. With a twinkle of favor in his eyes, he smiled. "Nothing that interesting, I'm afraid. I'm just an old man who's intrigued by the potion's mystery."

"You've never taken it before?" She wanted to know. His tales of a being a struggling elder was just a Slytherin trait of survival. Being underestimated was always a nice place to surprise an enemy. She was too smart to be fooled into believing the Potions' Master was frail in the least.

"I had one perfect day thirty-three years ago." He said, but his eyes had left reality as his mind reminisced on his magical day. "I figured after three decades I'm due another. Now I just have to decide the right time…"

With her potion ruined she decided to call it a day and leave Slughorn to his memories.

She was supposed to be meeting Kat right after her extra lesson, but now she had a little time before her friend was due. Even a few spare minutes meant she'd get to rest no matter how brief it might be. Downtime was hard to come by. Her schedule wasn't just full. It was overflowing.

Jumping from activity to activity, she barely had time to sleep and when she did have any free time James always managed to fill it up. Take this afternoon for example. Now that she was finished with Slughorn, she planned to complete her Charms essay with Kat and then there was a Prefect meeting that would last the rest of her night.

"You're early." Lily tried to force cheerfulness at the sight of Kat's petite figure slanting into the wall near the Truth Mirror, but she couldn't completely suppress her dejection at the loss of her alone time.

"I got bored." Kat shrugged and then made an irritated kicking motion at the tall mirror. "This stupid thing won't let me in."

"Kat, I invite you into my room." Lily rattled off sliding through the cool illusion of glass. She didn't bother to wait for the raven haired girl, knowing she would follow.

Entering into the open room of the Head Suite, she immediately looked to the double sided desk. James was there as expected and he nodded slightly in acknowledgment before turning back to his books.

"Aren't you just a Hufflepuff?" Kat caught the tail end of their interaction and interjected sarcastically. "Try and control your friendliness, Potter."

Lily would have laughed if she wasn't trying to avoid mingling with James in front of their friends. Her honest face would have everyone asking questions. They might not be able to guess what she was hiding, but they'd certainly know that something was going on. She tugged Kat out the common room into the Head Girl's Suite by the sleeve of her blouse.

"Oh, Lily." Kat flopped casually onto her bed with an exaggerated huff. "Some things never change. It was too much to hope that James Potter's uncanny ability to glue your mouth shut and/or flee would disappear with your other pushover qualities."

Lily settled on the bed with her feisty friend and with an unconcerned push, knocked Kat onto the floor when she finished her vocal jab. The tiny seventh year stared up at Lily with disbelief in a rumpled sprawl. Kat's unladylike position and distraught face were too much for Lily who promptly erupted into a fit of laughter.

"Are you barking?" Kat climbed to her feet with a humored glare.

"I'm just trying to teach you sibling affection." Lily dodged a badly thrown swat from Kat who was fighting off giggles. "Now that you're a big sister and all."

"If I had known violence was a perk then I would have warmed up to the idea long ago." Kat admitted, reclaiming her spot. "I can already tell that spoiled little creature is going to need a firm hand."

Lily scoffed, emptying her supplies in a pile on the bed. "She's barely five months old. Let's give her a year before we sort her into Slytherin."

"I think it's pretty certain that child is going to be a witch of a whole different sort." Kat's dark eyebrows rose pointedly.

Lily suppressed any comments because pointing out Kat's severe 'only child' syndrome would only prove to be redundant at this point. It might take her a little while, but eventually she would warm up to her little sister anyways.

And until then Lily decided that they could both be the sisters that they really wanted.

It made her realize how badly she really needed a sister right now…_a real sister_. To have someone that she could confide in fully without fear of judgment felt like it would be the most satisfying thing in the world.

Why couldn't Kat be that for her?

Lily stared at her friend who was shifting notes and jotting randomly along the lines of her parchment. Kat was barely taller than she'd been as a first year and Lily could remember thinking her new friend had been the bravest person she'd ever met. She was certainly the most courageous eleven year old.

Lily's heart swelled with deep affection and she could literally feel the confession racing like the Hogwarts Express out of a tunnel.

The three muggleborn dorm mates had spent many nights, tongues loosened by darkness, spilling fears and secrets with whispered voices until dawn peaked through their windows. They'd wondered if it would really hurt or if they'd be in love. Wages had been made about who would lose it first (unanimously Evie) and they'd shared silly questions that were too embarrassing to admit to anyone else. One thing they had always agreed on was that it would be monumental.

Lily would have someone to admit to that the strangest part of the whole thing had been how little different she actually felt. It was supposed to be the biggest deal in the world and yet she pretended again and again that it never even happened.

This was her chance to share all the answers and misconceptions that they'd always wanted to know…

"What?" Kat questioned Lily's trapped stare.

The Head Girl froze. She hadn't realized she'd been focused with unblinking intent.

This was her chance though. Her mouth opened and- "Sorry, I exited for a minute."

Kat rolled her eyes and went back to work.

She couldn't do it.

The second those words came out of her mouth it would be real.

As mad as it seemed, so far James and Lily operated under an unspoken rule. They could have sex (and they had…approximately seven more times), but they never talked about it. Thinking and talking would result in facing questions that she didn't want to answer.

Maybe, it meant facing a part of her that she didn't want to acknowledge.

She preferred things the way they were now.

It just meant that she was in this alone. Well… except James and he didn't really count.

Kat's early arrival turned out to be a blessing because they finished with plenty of time for Lily to prepare for the Prefects' meeting. With Kat gone she took a minute to check her appearance in her vanity mirror.

Her hair was almost permanently pulled back as a testament to her lack of personal time and thanks to an even more hectic than usual afternoon the style was redefining sloppy. Fat curls fought against the ribbon trying to contain them until the ponytail slanted with messy ease to the side. Her infamous wrinkled uniform was dented and blouse loose.

She couldn't have looked less like a Head Girl.

With a helpless sigh she tried to shake off the negativity and entered the common room while running through a mental pep talk in preparation for the meeting. Hogwarts needed her now more than ever.

Involuntarily her eyes sought James at the desk, but her presence went unwelcomed this time. He was still hunched over a book while one hand tangled into his messy locks, just as he had been the last time she'd passed. She felt a familiar tingle of want, but shook it off making her way to organize papers around the long Prefect table. They had to get some work done.

She didn't think she'd ever get used to the effect he had on her. Just being in the same room with him set a torch to her nerves and she became hyperaware of every tiny movement either of them made. Tension filled her body and she busied her antsy hands, restacking parchment until every pile sat in perfect lines.

Lily nearly jumped a foot off the ground at the scrape of James' chair.

She remained stationary, listening as the Head Boy came to stand inches behind her without bringing them to physical contact. From the tips of her toes, up every generous curve, to the flush of her cheeks, her body buzzed with awareness.

"Evans?" He murmured softly.

His breath seemed to brush against every bit of skin drawing goose bumps to the surface and sending her shivering in recline toward his sturdy body. "Hmm?"

James didn't reply and with nimble fingers he gently pulled at the ribbon that secured her hair. When the thick red tresses fell past her shoulders, he slid his fingertips up her neck to rub small circles against her sensitive scalp.

It felt heavenly and a small whimper of approval let him know she enjoyed the treatment.

While continuing his massage with one hand, the other trailed down the side of her throat which she tilted sideways to encourage him. The more skin she exposed, the more he could touch. His hand slipped all the way down to nick the top button of her white shirt and then the next until he'd freed just enough material to slide one sleeve of fabric off her shoulder. In the same motion he'd swept her tangled hair clear, leaving her neck exposed to his tingling breath.

"Evans?" He repeated no more than a whisper into her skin.

Her eyes fluttered closed and she couldn't make her voice anything more substantial than a sigh. "Yes?"

"Has anyone ever told you how terribly you wear a school uniform?" The teasing distance between his lips and her naked skin only irritated her more than the statement did. "The way it hangs off those dangerous hips and yet somehow hugs you in all the most tempting places really should be against the rules. It's almost unfair… Seeing you in it only forces me to imagine you out of it."

Lily really didn't stand a chance after that. With her skirt hiked up and bent over the Prefects' table she and James had sex for the tenth time. She didn't know if it was the danger of getting caught or the naughtiness of shagging on the table, but it seemed the sex only got better and better.

She stole the bathroom first and just as she traded James, the first Prefect arrived. It was olive skinned sixth year, Christos Savales. He was lean, Greek, and beautiful. The problem was that no one was more aware of his attributes than Christos himself.

With fair cause Lily nervously eyed the degraded table as if the spot would suddenly start shouting out the activities that had just taken place.

"Strenuous day, Evans?" Christos' smirk smoothed across his lips like a well trained dog.

"Er…" Her panicked hands gripped her skirt and she felt her face fill with blood. "Why's that?"

He strolled casually down the row of books beside the fireplace and chuckled at her flush. One elegant finger trailed across the aged spines, barely eyeing her as he spoke his explanation. "You look tired."

She released a shaky laugh in relief and sank into her usual seat at the head of the table.

It was getting to be ridiculous how paranoid she became after a rendezvous with James. There was part of her that was convinced some sort of evidence would inevitably give them up. And even though she was unsure of almost everything going on her life, being discover was the one thing she was certain _could not _happen.

"Odd." Christos was staring at a particular spot in the line of books on the second level of shelving.

"What's that?" It was easy to be friendlier than normal to the conceited Gryffindor Chaser once she realized he wasn't about to uncover her dirty little secret.

Christos met her eyes over his shoulder as he pointed out a particular book. "It's a muggle cookbook."

She shrugged absently.

James reentered the room with silent grace. He didn't even make note of the area where he'd just taken her on the table.

"Savales." James nodded at the other boy. The younger boy's hair would have been just as messy as the Head Boy's if he didn't keep the sleek locks so short. "I'll remember that you are capable of being punctual next time you're late for Quidditch practice."

Christos laughed off James' critique with smiling elegance. It was easy to see why all the sixth year girls swooned over gorgeous Christos Savales.

It wasn't long before the rest of the Prefects were pouring into the spacious room and their chatter created a healthy buzz that echoed off the walls.

"We're only missing Prescott." James projected his voice over the others'. "Any ideas on your fellow Prefect, Campbell?"

James addressed Ashby Campbell, the seventh year Hufflepuff Prefect. Lily couldn't help but wonder why James wasn't aware of his precious Hufflepuff's location. She watched his face closely as he spoke of Piper. It was just curiosity of what was really going on between the two seventh years.

Ashby only allowed his usual arrogant grin before shrugging. "Probably forcing first years to color coordinate their wardrobes."

The students chuckled appreciatively at Ashby's joke and even Lily had to fight off a smile at the accurate jab. James wasn't laughing and he even shot a disappointed look at Lily as if he could sense her non-smile.

Amarina Diggory, the fifth year Hufflepuff, cleared her throat uncomfortably. She was the only other person who didn't find humor in Ashby's statement.

"Yes, Amarina?" James looked to the pretty girl with gratitude.

"Maria." Maria's blush would've made Lily's scarlet cheeks proud. "I haven't seen Piper, but I know that Hester Sprout's family came and pulled her out of Hogwarts today."

An ominous silence fell over the group.

Lily immediately felt guilty. Everyone knew that no matter what shortcomings Piper Prescott had, her friendship with Hester wasn't anything to scoff at. Other than the Marauders there wasn't a more undeniable friendship at Hogwarts. It was impossible not to ache for Piper's loss.

Lily turned her attention to James as she watched the same flashes of his reaction that had just passed through her. These moments of quick surprise were the only time it was really possible to catch a glimpse of his true emotions. It became obvious from the twisted worry that peppered his features that James really did care about Piper Prescott.

Lily couldn't even begin to decide how she felt about that. So instead of drawing out the moment further, she cleared her throat to break the silence and recapture the thoughtful Prefects' attention. "We'll start without her. I'm sure Diggory is willing to fill her in on anything she might miss…. Alright, the first order of business. Do we have any volunteers to monitor the entrances on the Quidditch pitch for the Gryffindor/Hufflepuff match?"

Of course, no one did but it set the meeting back in motion as Lily assigned the duty to disgruntled Slytherin and Ravenclaw fifth years. After that they moved onto to other new responsibilities that were building every week with the increased focus on the Death Eater Rebellion. Thankfully the Prefect's numbers hadn't been touched by the dropouts, but it was only a matter of time.

Once the meeting was wrapped up a handful of Prefects remained to gossip and discuss the current goings-on of Hogwarts as was routine.

"How is it that all these underage witches and wizards can be allowed to not finish their education?" A young Prefect wanted to know. "Are _all _of their wands being snapped?"

"As long as they continue their studies through the special Owl system set up from home, Dumbledore has allowed them to keep their wands." Lily informed them stiffly. She wished their conversation was limited to silly gossip opposed to the serious issues she was already being forced to think about far too often.

"Why are students leaving now?" Another student asked. "It'll be over soon, right? Every day The Daily Prophet talks about all the Death Eaters that the White Cloaks and Harland Simmons are catching."

Lily was happy that Honor had fled the Head Suite right after the meeting was over, as all eyes turned to her.

She didn't know how the tales of her relationship with Baker had become so widespread, but as her Auror's fame grew so did the number of inquiries she received about their supposed relationship. All the unwanted attention had driven Honor's dislike to new levels of loathing. Lily was almost positive that the anonymous curse that shredded her book bag between classes yesterday had come from the spiteful Ravenclaw.

She ignored everyone's curious stares and let another older student assure the fifth year that the rebellion wouldn't even last through Christmas.

James fidgeted with a distracted eye on their rambunctious cat that was circling Amarina Diggory with prey like interest. "Evans, why don't you show the Prefects out? It's getting late."

Her eyes narrowed indignantly. They were supposed to the most equipped students in school. Did they really need her to hold their hand out of a room?

But then she noticed the eye he kept on Amarina was more than just a precaution of Snitch's looming attack. He wanted to speak with the Hufflepuff more about Piper. As genuinely sweet as the gesture was, Lily couldn't find it in herself to be warmed by it.

With jerky movements she did as she was asked, leading all of the Prefects to the Truth Mirror except Amarina Diggory, who James held back.

"Thanks again, Lily!" Astrid grabbed her roughly for a hug as Lily stood outside the entrance wishing them goodnight. "Honestly anything you need and I'm your girl…. I owe you big time!"

The Head Girl gasped when the fifth year's hold continued to choke the breath out of her.

"Oh, sorry!" Astrid jumped back with chagrin.

"It really wasn't a big deal." Lily assured the chubby blonde. She rubbed her shoulders that ached from the shorter girl's tight embrace.

Astrid just grinned maniacally before hurrying off after the disappearing Prefects. Lily watched her go with a chuckle of amusement.

"What was that about?"

Lily squeaked in surprise at the remaining Prefect. She thought she was alone.

"Callum!" Her hand went to her racing heart. "You scared me."

She couldn't fault him for laughing. Her feet had cleared the ground by at least a foot in her fright. Plus, he looked so handsome in his good humor that it was impossible to be angry.

"I just did Astrid a favor and she was saying thank you in her own unique way." Lily explained to answer his first question about the fifth year's exaggerated farewell.

"You are a fascinating girl, Lily Evans." Callum stared at her with grinning wonder. "I can honestly say that you are unlike any girl I've ever experienced."

She wrinkled her nose in tickled embarrassment of his assessment. "Oh and since when do you have so much experience with the ladies, Callum Palmer?"

"I'd say quite a bit considering the five girls that call themselves my sisters." He chuckled at her surprised face. "They were always obsessed with who liked them and getting even with those who didn't. They would never go out of their way to do a favor for a lowly fifth year that they barely knew."

"I think you're probably selling them a bit short." Lily teased him trying to quiet the part of her that was so pleased with his comment. "If they are related to you I'm sure they're all fine girls."

"Absolutely." He agreed without missing a beat. "I love them to death and if you ever tell a soul about my less than flattering observation I will deny it until my last breath… But even they would probably admit that their Hogwarts' years weren't exactly the example of maturity. They're brilliant now though."

Lily just smiled in reply. She liked knowing things about Callum. There was something so normal about it.

"I should be getting back." He said looking at her purposefully. "There's this harpy of a Head Girl that looks for any silly excuse to take points..."

She pushed him playfully, but his stronger frame didn't give at all under her strength. "Now I really might take points."

His hand reached out to her thoughtlessly and for a moment she waited for it to cup her face, but at the last minute he ruffled her hair instead.

"Save me a seat at the match?" He asked without acknowledging his almost caress.

Lily's smile was stiff as she answered. "Sure."

She watched his back until he vanished around the last corner. Their friendship always seemed to linger just before romantic. Sometimes he would do something and she wanted more than anything to take his hand to share the warmth he gave her so easily. It left her wondering why he didn't push them over the edge?

She was happy that he hadn't because she certainly didn't know how she really felt about him, but she was curious as to what held him back. She was almost positive that he had feelings for her. Could he sense her hesitation? Did he detect her uncertainty?

Lost in her thoughts Lily reentered the suite. With measured steps she took the stairway slowly until she could linger just beyond James and his guest's vantage point.

The lean fifth year was listening to James' quiet words with sincerity and Lily chose to focus on her instead of why James looked so concerned about Piper Prescott.

Amarina Diggory was as sweet as she was pretty. It was a soft beauty that didn't immediately capture attention, but a kindness that showed through her chocolate eyes and unthreatening heart shaped face. Amarina's hazelnut hair was cut off at her chin and it accentuated her nearly perfect bone structure.

Their conversation was short and after a supportive hug from Amarina they parted ways. James had already whisked Snitch into his room and closed the door behind them before Amarina smiled shyly as she passed the Head Girl.

Lily scooped Harvey out of his aquarium once she was in her bedroom and watched the excited turtle waddle small laps on her bed.

Her life had become a fragile shell that threatened to break at any misstep. The problem was it was getting harder and harder to know what the right steps were.

Every action had to be measured and calculated to dodge minefields waiting to shatter the breakable existence.

She couldn't even think freely with fear of guilt or realization lurking around every corner.

Over the next week a tension began building at Hogwarts. A portion of it was due to the upcoming Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff, but another fair amount could be contributed to the escalating rebellion which leaked more than ever into the lives of Hogwarts' students.

Lily's tension, however, was of a different sort. The regular shags she'd become accustomed too had completely evaporated in place of all James' responsibilities and duties. An uncomfortable itch of lust was quickly turning into full blown desire.

She _needed _his hands on her. She _needed _him inside of her. She _needed _to feel the spike of fire only he could light inside her.

Unfortunately she couldn't even find five seconds alone in his presence. One tense Wednesday afternoon she considered throwing everything out the window and mounting him for a go right in the Great Hall.

By the next day Lily was literally wiggling from the lack of satisfaction. She had never been so randy in her life.

After a restless Charms class she finally found an opportunity as risky as it might have been. She watched from the emptying classroom as James quietly headed in the opposite direction of his friends. _He was alone! _

Her feet hurried after him without thought. She barely spared a glance to make sure Evie or Kat didn't follow her.

It was past the point of caution. She caught up with him two corridors later and the solitary area she followed him to was perfect for her means.

The hollow echo of her footsteps finally alerted him of a presence as she grasped the material of his robe and pushed him backwards into a dark recess cut out of the stone wall.

"Wha-?"

But she used her needy mouth to answer instead. He didn't instantly respond and she awkwardly tried to maneuver them further behind the curtain of shadow. Her lips slowed trying to coax out a response, and she was encouraged that he didn't try and stop her.

With a sigh of defeat he simultaneously opened his mouth to her lips and gathered her slim body to his in a desperate hold. It was all the response she needed to completely give in to the lust that drove through her like a Seeker racing after the game winning Snitch.

Under her partner's control, their position was roughly switched and Lily's back hit the wall with a barely noted thud. The abundance of fabric from their robes and uniforms piled and scrunched around their intertwined forms creating frustrating obstacles. Thoughtlessly the hindrance was tugged at, but their full need was in their lips that locked with passion.

For all their groping and grasping it wasn't nearly satisfying and only succeeded in driving the Head Students into wanton lust.

It wasn't until she was gasping and wobbling dangerously into the empty air that James quickly abandoned that she heard the oncoming voices and clatter of footsteps.

She was torn between being thankful for James' speedy escape so that they weren't caught and irritated that she was left more worked up now than ever before.

In fact she nearly snarled at the twosome who interrupted them. Her legs were too weak to make getaway so she was forced to wait for them to pass.

It took her dazed mind a moment to process the identity of her visitors, but when she did it was with intrigued suspicion.

Luka MacMillan, with his hulking figure, loomed over Professor Crouch. They paused in intense whispers casting paranoid glances around the hall. Lily couldn't make out their sly conversation, but it didn't take a lip reader to figure out whatever they were discussing was serious.

The Slytherin seventh year would have reminded her of a bear if it weren't for his pale skin and white hair. He was easily the tallest and widest boy at Hogwarts. If she wasn't sure that even a small child could outwit Luka, he might have been intimidating.

Lily leaned forward desperately trying to catch a hint of their words, but it was useless. Not only was their volume careful, but after a few more heated words they parted, stomping off in opposite directions.

Somehow Lily doubted that a bad DADA mark could result in such an exchange between student and professor. It was all strangely personal, but not in a romantic way.

Now that the coast was clear Lily left her hiding place and hurried off to her next class. But the rest of her day did not pass with ease.

It really just came down to one thing. She needed to have sex with the Head Boy…and soon. Otherwise her marks would really start to suffer.

Alone in the Head Suite, Lily spread out her homework in front of the fireplace. Not surprisingly, James was torturing the Gryffindor team at practice, trying to punish them into beating Hufflepuff. She prepared for a long night of Transfiguration essays and Potions' study.

"Good." The single word broke the silence and Lily's head shot up, surprised. "You're here."

James stood uncertainly at the top of the stairway staring across the suite at Lily's sprawled mess. Her hair was loose and wild from running a frustrated hand through the tangled strands, and her cheeks took a blistered red tone from the heat of the burning fire. The entire disheveled look was topped off by a smudge of ink across her right cheekbone where she had rested her hand in despair.

She nodded eagerly taking in his barely windswept hair and chap-less cheeks. Apparently Quidditch practice had been cancelled.

"McGonagall gave me a new list of duties that need to be delegated out to the Prefects." He cautiously walked to her position and handed her a lengthy parchment as he took a seat on the loveseat behind her.

Using clumsy feet she pushed her bum up to the spot beside his on the couch.

"What's this about patrolling the grounds during Hogsmeade weekends?" Lily asked absently about number seven.

"Apparently there have been some security breakdowns during those weekends." James informed her softly.

The softness of his voice was enough to make her look up from the list. Their eyes locked and familiar sparks ignited the fire in her chest.

"We've really got to work on this…" He didn't break eye contact and despite his words he slowly inclined forwards.

"Mm..hmm." She murmured in agreement letting the parchment slip out of her fingers.

By the time it settled on the floor, they were already embracing, attached at the lips. For once his hand was cold and she shivered as it went up her skirt and edged her tights down until her smooth legs were bare. Lost in their kisses, she tried to wrestle his belt free, but the mission was not only unsuccessful but the jostle seemed to alert James of their purpose.

"It's very important…" He dragged free of her lips, but even as he spoke he seemed to forget why he was putting a stop to their actions and he was pulling back to her.

She smiled smugly into his lips, but as soon she reached for his hair, he was gone again. This time he realized the best course of action was to put actual distance between them and he darted around the couch.

"McGonagall made it clear that this has to be done by tomorrow."

Lily nodded, but with absolutely no intention of giving up. Rationale had long ago fled. She was a single minded animal and she wanted him. She needed him _now. _

He eyed her cautiously as she circled the other side of the couch with careful restraint.

"Evans..." He warned her warily as she took a step closer to him. "Stay."

She paused unhappily for a moment considering her next route of attack. Suddenly her bottom lip slid forward out of a frown and into an attractive pout that matched her new idea perfectly.

The moment she edged towards him with an extra sway in her step, James stepped back seemingly aware that he was in trouble. Lily stared up at him from under her eyelashes and with a simple slip of her fingers, unlatched the top bottom of her blouse.

"Lily." He warned again, stepping back until his back hit the bookshelves.

She approached him slowly, giving him plenty of time to escape if he _really_ wanted to. She was just freeing the last bottom when she came to stand against his chest.

"Please…" It was a soft meaningful sigh on her breath.

James' great and powerful self restraint lasted all of five seconds under her heaving breasts and needy eyes.

Picking up the frantic pace he'd left them at earlier, they collided with busy hands and hearty moans. With inept control he flipped their positions so her bum was perched on the shelf. Lily growled irritated that he'd stolen the power and set to battling him for it back.

James met her challenge with resistance and his strong hands gripped the bookshelf on either side of her head.

The following series of events were so rapid that they blew through her perception with little rhyme or reason.

One moment she was wrapped in the erotic moment, she'd heard a few books fall to the floor, and then they were spinning so quickly her mind couldn't process it. James landed on top of her with all his weight in a space that was obviously not a part of the Head Suite.

Lily gasped as she tried to regain the air that had been knocked out of her from the sudden drastic fall. The Head Boy's quicker instincts allowed him to recover much faster and he was already off of her, jerking his head around trying to figure out what happened.

She struggled to sit up on the dirt covered stone floor. The space was narrow and the wall that had just spun to dump them unceremoniously to the floor was a dead end. The other direction led endlessly on into the shadows that heavily draped the passage.

"Are you alright?" James finally turned back to his injured partner once it was clear there was no imminent danger.

"What happened?" She asked instead, still seeing stars from the hit her head took on the solid ground.

James turned to inspect the wall they had just come through. His hands made greedy paths along the unyielding stone until he'd touched every inch. "I must have activated a secret passage in the bookshelf."

"I'm never going to get shagged." Lily grumbled quietly, rubbing the tender flesh of her skull.

"What?" James asked at a normal volume continuing his careful assessment of the dead end. Thankfully, he hadn't heard brash whisper.

"I said- 'How do we get out of here?'" Lily lied in a clear voice. She still couldn't stand up, but at least she'd dragged her body to prop against the cold wall.

"I don't think it opens back up this way." He gave the wall one last look before turning his speculative gaze down the passage that stretched away from them into the unknown. "We'll have to follow it this way. You don't happen to have your wand on you, do you?"

She glanced down at her body, indignant at his question. Her crooked skirt, unbuttoned blouse, and exposed lace bra were the only things that covered her. "Unless I've got an awfully creative hiding place in my knickers then obviously not."

His hazel eyes narrowed, but his mouth twitched in amusement.

To defend James from the chill in the desolate passageway, he had retained his entire Quidditch practice uniform which was made to keep the players comfortable. Unfortunately the outfit was made for optimum flying and didn't feature a wand holster. "I haven't got mine either."

She didn't like where this was going. Her body ached all over and she wasn't totally convinced she didn't have a head injury.

"We're going to have to follow the passage and hope it ends somewhere in the castle." James told her the thing she'd been dreading to hear.

"Oh and where else would it take us- the Great Lake or maybe The Three Broomsticks?" She demanded sarcastically still trying to clear her jolted brain.

He laughed unexpectedly. "You'd be surprised. There are passages all over Hogwarts."

Any other night and she would have questioned his observation further. James had already proven his willingness to share Marauders' secrets with her, but there were more serious things to worry about at the moment.

Lily really didn't believe that she could even walk and definitely not for an undisclosed distance. It would be terrible to have to admit her weakness to him though.

"We could just wait it out." She suggested hopefully.

He made a face at the proposition. Obviously he didn't have the patience for it.

Lily's mind raced for another solution before landing on one that could help both of her current issues. "We could always pick up where we left off…"

He scoffed and she tried to make herself look appealing as she sat on the ground beneath him. "Because that would be really special- shagging like rabbits on the dirty floor."

"And?" She demanded glaring up at him. "Since when do _you _need special? Don't tell me you are secretly a romantic?"

"You caught me." He threw his hands up in mock surrender. "It must have been all those romance stories my mum used to read me."

Lily scrunched her nose with irritated disbelief. "Oh, really? Was it _Romeo and Juliet_ that turned you or are you more of an Austen man?"

"What's that rubbish?" He laughed off her accusing tone. "Mum's favorite was always _Beauty and the Hippogriff_, but I much preferred _Love and Broomsticks_."

Lily stare at him a beat to make sure he wasn't taking the mickey. "Your generation makes so much more sense now."

With a slightly confused smile he laughed at the comment before shoving his hand at her. "Now quit stalling, Evans. Don't worry. I won't let you fall."

Once again she had proven how completely transparent she was to him. With a regretful sigh she took his offered assistance and allowed him to do most of the work pulling her onto unsteady legs.

"You should have said you were hurt." He scolded, ruining whatever nice moment lingered.

She shrugged off his helpful arm and pushed forward on her own. "I'm fine."

On wobbly legs she made it halfway to the dim torch in the distance before her dizziness caught up with her and she had to place a steadying hand on the wall.

He laughed unperturbed by her annoyance. "Sure, Evans."

Lily had no choice, but to let him assist her progress. She didn't like it though.

They walked down the sloping passage at a slow pace that James never once complained about. The Head Boy and Girl traded light conversation until they finally came to a stone wall exactly like the one at the other end of the passage. The only difference was the hanging portrait of fruit that hung eyelevel with the couple. It was an exact replica of the one Lily passed everyday coming to and from the Head Suites.

James threw his head back and laughed, somehow finding humor in their predicament.

"This is terrible. We're stuck without the password!" She groaned.

"Tickle the pear, Evans." He responded simply.

"Excuse me?" She snapped. 'Tickle the pear' sounded like something dirty and the time for shagging had long passed.

He chuckled at her scandalized face before reaching his finger to the painting and tickling a squirming pear. As he opened the passage with the door knob that appeared, Lily stepped into the busy world of the house elves for the first time. "Where are we?"

Of course, a Marauder would know. "Welcome to the kitchens of Hogwarts."

Lily was glad she'd taken the time to right her clothes as they walked. Otherwise the tiny creatures that serviced the school would be getting an eyeful right now.

Once they'd assured the army of house elves that they were well fed and didn't need any snacks, the Head Students finally exited the kitchens through the other entrance and made the journey back to their room.

Back in their room, Lily approached the bookcase with caution as if it might suddenly spin and trap her back in the secret passage. A section of books had been dragged out and littered the floor, but one book remained standing with holes on either side.

"It's the muggle cookbook." Lily noted dryly. "As long as we don't have the sudden urge to whip up some stew without our wands we should be alright."

James didn't reply as he started restocking the fallen books into their proper place. She huffed in exasperation and grabbed him by the sleeve pulling him behind her.

He could have easily halted her movements, but instead he simply slowed down their pace to stare down at her curiously. "What are you doing?"

"You." She responded using more strength to pull him towards her room. "It's been a long day and at this point you really don't have an option. We're shagging."

He laughed at her brashness all the way to her room.

Lily shut the door behind them.

October was drawing to a close and looking back it seemed to be a blur of Death Eater news and shagging James.

The Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff match had been postponed after the Hufflepuff's Captain's family had been attacked. The Daily Prophet had done a whole spread on Harland Simmons' daring rescue of the family. The article by Camille Collins had alluded to rather serious injuries that plagued the famous Auror and Lily had nearly come unglued with worry.

A day later she had received assurances that Baker was fine in the form of a letter.

_**Whiskey, **_

_**Quit worrying. I'm fine. If that reporter, Camille Collins, wasn't so damn shaggable I'd be irked with her first year writing skills. My mum and dad nearly stormed St. Mungos in their panic. The embellishment of my injuries might have been good for paper sales, but it was terrible for my hearing. That's right- I received not one, not two, but three raging Howlers from family members berating me for my lack of safety. **_

_**I'm not going to lie to you, Whiskey. Things are getting bad out here. Don't bother to be concerned for my safety though. The ministry wouldn't dare let anything happen to 'the face of the Auror's.' It's quite irritating actually. I have no idea how I became the figurehead for all that is good and right, but the only thing it has improved so far is my ego. **_

_**Did you know there is a charming group of young ladies at Hogwarts who send me daily letters? I was rather disappointed that you weren't listed as a club member. **_

_**My partner, Claribell, get's a real kick out of it. She likes to memorize certain poufy lines and recite them in front of the other Aurors. It really has a way of undermining my authority. In fact, you'd really like her. She might be the only person who enjoys taking the mickey out of me more than you. **_

_**I don't know if I'll be able to get free for Christmas, but I'm going to do my damndest. **_

_**Miss you, **_

_**The sexy bloke you dream about every night… Baker **_

She didn't know why hearing him admit the severity of the situation made her stomach sink. It wasn't like she didn't know, but Baker was the most easy going bloke she knew. If he was admitting that the rebellion was spiraling then it must be more severe than even she had suspected.

The other portion of her October featuring the handsome Quidditch Captain had taken a new turn recently. Ever since the night they'd found the secret passage to the kitchens, they had not only been shagging more but also conversing more as well. Little bits of his personality would slip through as they spent more time together.

It didn't make her life any easier though.

All it did was tempt her down dangerous roads of thought that shook her fragile existence.

She was daring the glass to break. James was becoming a real person to her. A person she actually liked and could possibly be real friends with.

But there wasn't room for in their arrangement for 'like' or 'friendship.' It made things messy and with added emotions came 'guilt' and 'hurt.' She wasn't interested in 'guilt' and 'hurt.' So for the time being Lily refused to admit that things were changing.

It was just a good shag and then afterwards it never happened.

The Quidditch match was moved to the Saturday before Halloween and Lily sat with Callum as agreed. It was a passionate game. Hufflepuff was a force to be reckoned with, driven by the return of their captain and in the end their spirit was just too much to overcome. Gryffindor lost the match and the players lowered to the ground with dejected faces.

James looked absolutely devastated. From the stands Lily watched as he tossed his broom to Sirius and headed back to the castle alone. Apparently the camaraderie of the locker room was too much for him to deal with at the moment.

"Did you hear me, Lily?" Callum asked.

She'd been lost in thought and trying to fight off worry for her fellow Head Student. Immediately after he'd called out her distraction, she redirected her focus and smiled cheerfully. "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it. I'd be a bit upset if my house team lost too." He placed a comforting hand on her arm as they made their way out of the stands. "A bunch of seventh years are throwing a party down by the lake. Professor Dumbledore approved it and everything."

Lily knew all about the 'morale building' gathering that Honor had taken over her head and straight to the Headmaster. It was actually supposed to be fun though and Lily had been looking forward to it all week. Also Honor's increased popularity meant that the Ravenclaw had less time to scheme ways to make Lily's life hell.

Lily and Callum headed with a bulk of other students towards the designated area. The game had started early in the morning and the sun was only beginning to sink now. Students of all houses laughed and danced, while others hung around erected tables surrounding the dance floor. Honor really had done a great job and Lily made a mental note to tell her so.

The party had all the promise of a good night…and yet she couldn't make herself want to be here.

"Actually," Lily stopped suddenly. Callum followed her example and students poured around their sides. "I don't think I'm feeling up to it. I've got mountains of work that I should be doing and I'd only be distracted if I stayed."

"Do you want me to come with you?" He asked and she could tell that he sincerely meant the offer.

"No, go have fun. Seriously." She assured him with her words and easy smile.

He let her go.

Lily entered the suite and immediately went to knock on James' closed door. When he didn't answer she cut through her room and knocked on their shared bathroom door.

"James?" She called through the door.

She heard a splash of water and then a gruff response. "What?"

The mental image of James sulking in a bubble bath made her fight off a giggle. She wondered if he had a rubber ducky in there, but then remembered that wizards weren't familiar with the practice. It only made her giggle harder.

"Are you okay?" She asked once she'd gotten control of her stifled laughter. James definitely wouldn't react well to that.

"No." He replied petulantly.

She wiggled the door handle and predictably found it sealed. "Can I come in?"

"Leave me alone." She could practically hear the pout in his words.

Ignoring him, Lily went back to James' room and found his bedroom unlocked. If he had really wanted to keep her out he would have sealed both doors. His bathroom door was still nothing but a hole from when he had blasted it apart to save her.

"What are you doing?" He asked unsurprised by her entrance.

Just as she had suspected the Head Boy was encased in their rather large bath with bubbles tickling his chin.

"Making you feel better." She answered simply.

He grunted. "Unlikely."

She met his challenge with a smirk and defiantly began removing her clothes. He watched her curiously, but didn't shake free of his grumpy mood.

Fighting off a shiver, Lily quickly immersed her naked body into the hot water with him. "Move over."

He did as she asked with a huff until she was settled against the back of the tub and he was reclined into her chest.

In their silence Lily ran her soft hands along the muscles of his arms. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He made a pained noise. _Obviously, not. _

They were quiet for a long time as Lily stroked his hair and peppered his shoulders with kisses.

"Why are you here?" He asked suddenly. The answer he wanted wasn't the one she'd already given.

They were breaking the rules now. Again she tested the glass that supported her dangerous game.

Lily paused for a long time trying to think of the right answer before deciding on the truth. "I don't know."

With aid of their slicked skin he glided her around so that she was straddling his lap. His fingers messaged her center beneath the water. Feeling the intense pleasure, her fingers dug into his shoulders as she braced body against him. She used nonsensical words to urge him on and just before she came he grabbed her hips and thrust his hard member into her.

"Fuck." She cried seeing literal stars of bliss.

His tight hold on her hips allowed him to pound into her again and again as she went limp against him. His anger and frustration poured out as he finished roughly.

Afterwards they lingered in the warm water, recovering. Touching felt too intimate so Lily moved across from him with her feet propped up on the side of the bath beside his head.

"Hey, Lily." He cleared his throat uncomfortably, breaking the silence. "Do you remember that-…er first night on the pitch?"

She raised an eyebrow at his curious question.

"I just…" Again he cleared his throat. He was having a real problem getting out whatever it was he wanted to say. "I was just wondering…Was that-…I mean… You were a virgin, weren't you?"

Once the question had left his lips he relaxed liked he'd expelled something toxic and focused on her face. It was Lily who became uncomfortable. Her body tensed, cheeks flooded, and she couldn't manage to meet his eyes. He'd released the poison into the air and she'd been the one infected.

When she didn't respond he spoke again. "I didn't know…I had always thought that you and Sirius had…"

Lily shook her head quickly with her eyes glued to the disappearing bubbles in front of her. It was beyond mortifying. He was doing everything but admitting how much her inexperience showed. Was she bad at it? _Could _you be bad at it? Her mind raced with a million things she'd never thought of-

"Me too." His voice sliced the air with a clean cut meaning that didn't leave room for misunderstanding.

James changed the subject after the exchange and later when their fingers were pruned they separated in fluffy towels to their different rooms.

The following Monday was Halloween. It was a day that Lily had never enjoyed. Even as a child she preferred to ignore the festivities. The day made her feel cold. It felt like death, ominous and looming. With her bad attitude it didn't take much to ruin her day. All it took was a sour look from Honor at breakfast and a scolding on her technique from Professor Crouch, to put Lily in a truly foul mood by Potions.

Evie was on a mission to test her patience and Lily had to start the process over twice while taking deep calming breaths with her jaw locked. If she said anything at all it would be rude and unfair to Evie who didn't deserve her short temper.

On the third try of Abscido Acerbus, the potion they were brewing, Lily left Evie with a detailed list of instructions while she went to restock their supplies.

The third time was the charm and Lily breathed a sigh relief. The color was hot pink instead of a pale peach, but Professor Slughorn nodded at them encouragingly. Apparently he had lowered his standards for Lily's Potions' work with her new partner.

"Now the best part!" Slughorn clapped excitedly. "One person from each couple will be treated to Abscido Acerbus, or as it has been nicknamed the 'good mood' potion. It'll be the true test of how successful your skills are."

"You should do it, Lovely." Evie insisted proudly. "If anyone deserves a good day it's you."

Lily returned her smile weakly. Evie was honestly trying to do something nice, but the Head Girl eyed the distorted potion wearily.

"Cheers everyone!" Slughorn commanded and Lily along with all the other chosen partners tipped the vial back. "Tomorrow we'll go over everyone's experiences. Be sure to keep a tight record on the side effects and mood levels."

The class was dismissed and Lily felt strangely light leaving with Evie. She smiled happily at her blonde friend. It was hard to believe that she was worried about taking the potion. It was wonderful!

Except that standing in the corridor Lily felt the overwhelming desire to kiss her friend in a more than platonic way. And even more troubling was the fact that she was having a harder and harder time remembering why it would be a bad idea to make a move on the beautiful girl.

"See look how happy you are, Lovely!" Evie bounced as Lily focused on her soft lips. "I knew that substituting Horn Frog scales for the Gillyweed extract would provide a thicker potency level."

And suddenly it all made sense… But instead of being worried about the adverse reaction she was having to the apparently tampered potion, Lily couldn't suppress the deep need she had for physical contact.

It took all her will to pull away from Evie's touch, but once she did she sprinted away with her head down.

It was deeply disturbing to feel such intense lust for another female. Actually it was disturbing to feel such a deep level of longing for anyone when she wasn't fooling around with them.

What was even scarier was that the lust was building and getting stronger. It was making it hard to think straight. Lily doubled her pace. She was still aware enough to realize it was necessary to at least get somewhere private.

A body bumped into her sending tingles of electricity through every limb. With vague recognition of his black hair in the back of her mind, Lily reached out to feel skin. She _needed _to touch… But once she touched, she needed more. She _needed _to kiss.

"Lily…" He whispered letting out pent up desire as she leaned into him.

But the voice was wrong and even in a lust driven state she could recognize that this something she didn't want to be doing.

_It was Snape for Merlin's sake_!

With a hasty jerk, she fled before their lips could make contact. She sprinted, but realized too late that she had been redirected after the collision and was now headed in the opposite direction of the Head Suite.

She spotted James disappearing into the library and hurried down the corridor to catch him. He was the only person she was safe to be around right now. There was even a chance he wouldn't notice a change. It seemed she was always forcing herself on him anyways.

"Lily!" Someone called in sync with a hand that whipped her around to face him.

She barely recognized Callum before her lips made contact with his in a desperate kiss. After a stunned moment he returned her enthusiasm. Lily couldn't even focus on the kiss as his hands made contact with her waist, sending vibrations through her entire body. She needed more.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." He pulled away from her gasping for breath after their lengthy kiss. "What brought this-."

But it took her last ounce of strength to run away from him once he had freed her from his grasp. She entered the library and immediately zoned in on James seated at a table near the front. Through tunnel vision she grabbed James' sleeve and with unknown strength she pulled him away as she fled the dusty library.

She only made it down a corridor before shoving him into a classroom.

"What the hell is your problem, Evans?" He exclaimed the second before she threw her body at his, wrapping long legs around his waist and arms locked on his shoulders.

Her weight, although slight, was enough to propel him backwards into an old desk.

"...Lust potion." Her brain managed to force out, but it was the only control over body she could manage. "Please…"

He stared at her with new perspective and even though she couldn't stop her yanking hands and hopeless lips, she was thankful that he knew her well enough to understand that something was wrong.

He was frozen and unresponsive as he deliberated how to handle the situation. She rained kisses down his neck and ripped through two buttons on his shirt. With a bruising grip he yanked her back and stared into her eyes.

She poured every ounce of desperation into her voice. "Please."

Not even emotionless James Potter could turn down her obvious need. Against an old creaking desk, he shagged the sense back into her brain and satisfied the dizzying lust. The rough manner left bruises against her hips and legs, but she wasn't going to complain. It was bloody fantastic.

Lily remained sprawled on the wooden surface as James quickly moved away from her and pulled his pants back into place.

"Evie accidentally dosed me with lust potion." She told him trying to fully explain her behavior.

He turned his back on her as if he couldn't bear to the sight of her. "And how exactly am I supposed to explain that to Sirius? I don't think he'd quite understand why his ex-girlfriend would run to me when she got randy."

She wheezed painfully at the mention of her ex-boyfriend. Out of all the lines they didn't cross and all the things they didn't discuss, Sirius was number one on that list. "I didn't have control. You act like I did it on purpose… Oh Merlin, Sirius was in the library? I can barely remember anything."

His laugh was an ugly cousin to the healthy noise that usually accompanied his amusement. "No, he wasn't there and don't worry. You're little episode probably came off as more infuriated than horny… But that's not the point. What if he had, Lily?"

She waited without breathing. He was forcing them into unspoken territory. There was a dangerous line that they wouldn't be able to come back from.

"I-…I just don't-." He struggled with his words and stopped short of completing his sentence.

For once it was a relief to see him disappear from the room. She was sure she didn't want to hear the rest of his statement anymore than he wanted to say it.

More than anything she wanted to forget the rest of the day and hide in her dorm, but Head Girls weren't allowed to have off days.

As insane as the lust had been it went relatively unnoticed. She waited fifteen minutes before leaving the abandoned classroom and reentering the student population just to make sure all the potion was out of her system. If anyone had seen her they most likely wrote off her behavior as stress or anger. There were two giant exceptions to this: Snape and Callum. She'd nearly dry humped them in the corridor. Facing either one of them seemed traumatizing.

It was a truly successful mission until the Slug Club party that night.

Lily had left a grumpy looking James alone in their room on her way out without a word. Words were too dangerous between them lately. Any wrong phrase was likely to detonate an explosion of epic proportions.

Fall colors of oranges and browns warmed Lily's mood slightly as she entered the Slug Club party. A surprisingly classy array of fabrics and decorations hung throughout the room. Slughorn must have stepped up his game for the possible arrival of Warner Langford.

Distracted by the transformation of the room she ran right into a hard immobile body.

"Severus." She gasped, surprised.

He jerked away from her like she was contagious. "Don't touch me."

And he was gone, leaving her shocked and horrified with her arms stiff at her sides. His reaction was a sharp stab at an old wound. It was unimaginable the difference seven years had made between them and as many times as he proved to her that he wasn't that little boy anymore, sometimes the magnitude of the change still took her breath away.

There was a lull in crowd noise as the surrounding people stopped to watch the exchange and Lily's face was painted scarlet in embarrassment. Dejected from her truly horrible day the Head Girl slunk off to the corner where she could be miserable in peace. Her potent mood warded off unwanted small talk. She was here for one reason and that was to appease Professor Slughorn, but after that she was going to burrow into her bed and pretend the rest of the world didn't exist.

"You don't look like a girl who spends many parties alone in the corner." She had been so confident that no one would approach her that she didn't even notice an older man come to stand beside her.

Other than his sleek yet simple robe, the man could have passed for a middle aged business man who spent his days in the tall skyscrapers in muggle London.

"And you look a little too old to be hanging around Hogwarts' parties." It wouldn't have been her response any other day, but she'd run out of patience and charm hours ago.

His laugh was loud and unattractive, but sincere. "You've got me there… I didn't catch your name."

She told him and he nodded thoughtfully but didn't offer his own. "What is it that you want to do in the wizarding world, Lily? Have big dreams of being heroic and joining the Aurors like the rest of your overachieving peers?"

"Not in the least." She gave him a cheeky smile before finishing her drink. "I might be the most unmotivated Head Girl in the history of Hogwarts… And if I'm being honest the life of an Auror doesn't hold much appeal to me."

A strange glint in his eye distracted Lily from his large genuine smile. "An interesting observation... Well, this old man has got to be going. It was….charming, Ms. Evans."

She'd just lost sight of the strange man when Callum filled the empty space he'd left behind. "How come I'm not surprised?"

At the sight of the boy she'd thrown herself at earlier in the day, Lily's face was licked again by her flaming blush. Her voice was unusually high when she replied quickly. "By what?"

"Every student here has been vying for the attention of Warner Langford all night and he actually seeks you out for company." Callum shook his head, amused.

Lily's eyes drew wide with horror as her hand shot to cover her gaping mouth. "That was Warner Langford- the Head of the Auror Department?"

Callum confirmed his identity and all Lily could think about was how offensive she'd been. She should have known. If it wasn't bad enough that she'd burned a possible bridge with someone with real connections, there was the realization that Langford would surely report back her behavior to Slughorn. Her days of floating through Potions were done. Slughorn might never forgive her.

Lily groaned and dropped her head into her palms.

"Er…About what happened earlier?" Callum began.

Honestly, this day was just wonderful. She was stuck, unsure of what to say or how to explain why she'd kissed him. "…I wasn't really feeling like myself… It's kind of complicated."

He chewed worriedly at his bottom lip as if trying to figure out a difficult problem. "So… friends?"

Lily mustered up her most reassuring smile, but even that fell flat as she nodded.

The rest of her evening with Callum was so awkward and uncomfortable that Lily began to doubt that their friendship could survive at all.

The party dispersed and with heavy legs she dragged back to the Head Suite. How could she have possibly done so much damage in one day? Halloween would remain her least favorite holiday.

At least it was over now.

The beating music that met her just beyond the Truth Mirror was her first clue of the raucous party being thrown.

Was this night ever going to end?

Bodies converged on her as she wiggled through the small spaces that weren't crowded with teenagers.

She tried to calm down. This didn't mean her plans had to change at all. She could still climb into bed and with a little help from a sealing and silencing charm be completely unaffected by the party.

"I wouldn't go in there if I was you." A slurred voice stopped Lily just before she pushed her door open. "I just saw a couple go in there and they looked awfully cozy."

Disgusted and furious, Lily tried her door anyways only to find it locked. She'd never fully understood the saying 'seeing red' until this moment. "Where's Potter?"

The drunk girl swung her arm wide and in the process of pointing the Head Boy out, spilled her drink down Lily's wrinkled blouse. Jolted by the icy liquid seeping out down her chest, Lily was filled even further with rage as she stared at James and Sirius with their arms thrown around the other's shoulders.

She couldn't very well approach him now- not while he was with Sirius.

The problem with rage was how quickly it passed. It was like a furious tornado that ripped through her emotions only to leave the debris of sadness in its wake. Her pride was the only thing that kept her from bursting into tears, but even that had its limits and she quickly darted out of the crowded common room and into the private courtyard.

Either people hadn't realized the courtyard was there or preferred to stay in the socializing center, but it was empty except for a hunched figure seated on the fountain.

"Evening, Evans." Piper's voice was a weak mockery of her usual authoritative tone. It was the first time Lily had ever seen the Hufflepuff's posture be anything less than pristine.

It only stunted her momentarily before her nurturing instinct took over. She'd have to be careful though. People like Piper didn't take weakness well. "Are you alright?"

"I suppose it would depend on your definition." Piper answered with only the smallest quirk of emotion.

Lily was silent as she cautiously took the seat beside her fellow seventh year on the stone ledge. She tried to choose her words carefully. "…I was very sorry to hear about Sprout."

"Why? It was clearly for the best." Piper said, but she struggled with the polite air. There was the slightest indication of bitterness and an even more hidden glimpse of sadness. "Hester is fragile. She's far better off with her family abroad."

It was the first time Lily ever considered that maybe it wasn't Hester who needed Piper, but instead the other way around. Piper didn't have anyone else beside the scarred girl. She was all alone now.

"Why isn't Potter out here?" Lily asked as she remembered that in fact- Piper wasn't all alone. She had James. It filled Lily with such a strong cocktail of emotions that no one stood stouter than the others.

"I want to be alone." This time Piper perfectly captured her signature proper yet insulting voice.

Lily's empathy only went so far and she stood stiffly to give Piper exactly what she wanted. She was nearly to the door when Piper stopped her with the same unsure voice she'd started with. "Wait-."

Two halves battled for dominance. It was easy to listen to the strong voice reminding Lily of what Piper's lips on James had looked like and she took a step towards the door with every intention of leaving her alone.

It was as far as she got though. Piper was in pain and whether she deserved Lily's comfort or not didn't matter one bit. In the end Lily was a good person and while there was a time to stand up for yourself, this was a time sympathy.

She sat with Piper in the courtyard for as long as the party dragged on. Most of the time they were silent and when Piper did speak, Lily was repeatedly stricken with the wish that she hadn't, but there were moments in their solitude when it became apparent just how much Piper needed someone. She just needed someone to be there for her and at least for the night Lily could do that.

By the time Piper left with nothing more significant than a stern nod, the Head Suite was deceptively empty. The trash and bitter smell of firewhiskey lingered in the air, but the party's orchestrator was nowhere in sight.

Lily stood stationary surrounded by the debris struck by how similar the outward appearance mimicked how she felt on the inside. Exhausted, she couldn't muster up even the smallest amount of anger.

Kicking a path through cups and streamers, Lily carefully entered her room. There was only one person occupying her bed, but thankfully it wasn't a leftover guest.

"Hello." She said stopping in the doorway.

James sat up straighter and jostled Snitch who had been cuddled in his lap. The growing kitten hissed at the both of them before swaggering out of the room through their conjoining bathroom. The Head Boy was dressed in comfortable pants and a ragged looking shirt that had seen better days. It was a different outfit than she'd seen him in earlier with Sirius meaning that he'd been done with the party for awhile.

"Hi." He greeted staring across the room at her.

Again they crept on uncharted territory. It certainly hadn't been the first time that they argued, but it was the first time that it seemed they couldn't ignore it.

Weeks ago she would have dismissed his gaze as emotionless, but now she could see the question that lay beneath the surface. He was just as lost as she was.

But talking wasn't an option and the more they broke their unspoken rules, the more the situation slipped from their control.

With stiff effort she made her way to the bed dropping her clothes as she went until she was sitting beside him in nothing but her knickers and camisole. It was odd that she felt more comfortable with him this way. It was as if her lack of clothing gave them a purpose and added sense to their spiraling reality.

"I didn't know you were here." He said and as always there were a million things his statement didn't say. She could often decipher more of his meaning by focusing on that.

He was saying he wasn't going to apologize for the party, but wished it hadn't been such a surprise.

"I was in the courtyard." _With Piper_, but she didn't add that. For some reason she didn't want to involve the Hufflepuff. This was a place she didn't belong.

James relaxed slightly into her plethora of pillows. "It's too bad you didn't join. Christos Savales was looking for you all night."

He was testing for a reaction, but Lily didn't offer one, remaining silent.

"I suppose it's just one more suitor to add to your list." He spoke with an air of carelessness.

There were far too many things he was saying with that statement and she chose to only accept his words that were said out loud.

She leaned over and kissed him because there was no response to give. The slightest itch of stubble tickled her face as he drew her closer and his hands rested without tension on her arms. It was a strange contradiction to their norm and Lily pulled away uncomfortable.

He ignored her less than positive reaction and surrounded them in darkness with a wave of his wand. It took full uncertain moments before he reached out to her through the blackness, but she found her body frozen and unresponsive to his touch.

With one last caress he sank away from her, believing her asleep and Lily waited impatiently for him to slip back to his room.

The only thing that broke the silence was his heavy breathing, signaling it was him who had found sleep.

The Head Girl was stuck, uncomfortable and tense, as she lay awake for unforgiving hours.

Something had irrevocably shifted.

It was like watching a few pebbles trigger an avalanche that was destined to destroy lives and alter history. Only she'd realized it too late and it was already in motion.

There was nothing she could do to stop it. It wasn't like she would have the self restraint to deny herself the flames James gave her anyways.

It wasn't love that grew between them. It was an indescribable intimacy. It was a web of caring that whisked back and forth, connecting them like a desperate spider trying to create a home.

She didn't know what it was, but it was too late to stop it. More than anything it left a radiating ball of tension deep in her gut as she was forced to watch helplessly as pebbles turned to rocks that would soon become boulders.

A peaceful week and a half passed and the only thing that broke up the monotony came with muggle post from Petunia.

_**Lily, **_

_**Vernon and I have purchased a home in London. Our time in Sweden was cut short and we both look forward to being back with proper citizens of the United Kingdom. I realize that your school has holiday and if you require a place to stay for a short time, Vernon has graciously allowed you a room for emergencies. I hope you are well. **_

_**Petunia Dursley**_

There really wasn't anything to say about that.

Professor Slughorn had invited her to join an extra Potions' session on November eleventh and Lily accepted the request for an early Friday morning with dread.

She'd been able to avoid any one-on-one time with her Potions' Professor ever since her feisty encounter with the Head of the Auror Department, Warner Langford.

"I'm glad you could make it on such short notice." Slughorn greeted her with rosy cheeks and elated eyes.

He was positively radiant.

"Morning, Professor." She couldn't help but return his smile. That level of potent happiness was contagious. "It was no problem at all and as always I'm happy to help… Especially considering my less than impressive Potions' work as of late."

"Completely understandable, my dear." He patted her graciously. "If anything I admire your loyalty to Ms. Lowlsey. You're a good friend to trade such a talent like Mr. Rooney to help your fellow Gryffindor."

Lily mustered a weak smile feeling guilty for regretting the decision several times over, especially after the whole "lust potion" incident. It had never occurred to her that Slughorn would take notice or consideration of her change of partners. "I had worried that you might be disappointed in my work this year."

Sincere affection temporarily replaced his bursting happiness and he patted her shoulder again. "If anything I fault the stressful circumstances for robbing such a gifted witch of her true potential. Your talent is undeniable and you are as lovely a person as I've ever met."

It was the first time that Lily took real enjoyment of the term "lovely." For once it wasn't in reference to her looks, but instead her spirit. A silly well of tears lingered in her eyes, but she suppressed it easily, used to denying such indulgences.

The professor continued his speech with a growing voice that echoed off every wall in the dungeon. "I knew that if anyone could impress Warner Langford it would be you…"

Lily cut him off unable to accept such undeserved praise. "I'm sorry about that, professor. I should have never been so cheeky. I didn't even realize who Langford was until he had left and it was too late for me to apologize."

The Potions' master bellowed with laughter, leaving Lily more perplexed than ever. "Whatever cheek you showed him, it was thoroughly welcomed. He Owled me the same night asking me how I thought you would do in training…. I'd like to add that you were the _only _student he even mentioned."

The redhead stood stunned and unsure of how she felt about the development. It was easy to dismiss the Auror profession when it was only words and a long shot that she'd even been considered, but if there was a real chance that they might want her, she didn't know how she could say no.

"If I remember correctly," Slughorn continued happy to fill up her end of the conversation. "His exact wording was 'the Auror's could use a few like her. She'd be a breath of fresh air with all the brownnosers stinking up the place.'"

A surprise laugh escaped her, but she remained stunned beyond words. At least her truly horrible Halloween day had been good for something. She might have been brownnosing with the rest of them if she'd been in a normal mood.

"Now the reason I've asked you here." He rubbed his belly as his face easily transition back to ecstatic. "Today is the day."

She followed him curiously over to a cauldron filled with dazzling gold potion. It was Felix Felicis and she immediately understood his mood. Slughorn was about to have one lucky day.

"As a fellow appreciator of the mysteries and wonders of Potions, I thought you might like to be here for this." Professor Slughorn was already filling up a flask as the rattled through words thoughtlessly. "Also for safeties sake, it's best not to ingest a potion alone, but don't worry it's only precautionary."

With a bit of envy Lily watched as her professor stared into the substance reverently. A million different scenarios waited to gift him with one excellent day. He took a long whiff of the gold liquid before downing it in one gulp. With a little luck anything was possible.

He paused letting it settle in his gut and then with a strange alert glint snapped into action. "I think I'll start my holiday early."

"Excuse me, sir?" She asked confused by his sudden declaration. Was this a sign that something had gone wrong? Should she get help?

"I've just been stricken with the desire to take a trip to the Caribbean that I've been putting off for years." And just like that he had summoned his magically filled trunk. Distractedly he shoved a few more pieces of equipment into the pile before sealing it shut.

She didn't know what to do. Her brain rushed for answer. "Are you sure, professor? Is this how the potion is supposed to work?"

"I'd say so." Slughorn added a straw hat to his ensemble and headed towards the door with little notice of his star pupil. "My gut is telling me that it's time for my holiday to begin and my intuition will take me to the luck… Good day, Lovely Lily."

He was gone leaving her more confused than ever. She ran through options. At the least it wouldn't hurt to let the Headmaster know that the Potions' teacher had left school grounds. She walked slowly, listening to the click of her shoes and trying to work through anything else that the Head Girl should be doing during the current dilemma.

Nervously, she meandered in front of the gargoyle for a few extra minutes. It wasn't that she was scared of Dumbledore. She just didn't want him to think that she was couldn't handle a miniscule issue alone or maybe it didn't even matter that Slughorn was gone.

Headmaster Dumbledore probably already knew that Slughorn had left early. Lily had just begun to retreat when James rushed around the corner.

"Have they told you what's going on?" James was flushed like he'd just played a game of Quidditch, but he was in his normal school robes.

"About Slughorn?" Lily wondered how the word had spread so quickly. The gossips were getting quite impressive.

"What's wrong with Professor Slughorn?" James' furrowed brow arched even further. "Did he already join the fight?"

"What are you talking about? What fight? James, what's going on?" A panic immediately set her heart galloping savagely forward.

Realizing that she couldn't offer him any answers, James pushed past her, spitting the password out as he bolted into the stairway leading up to the Headmaster's Office. She raced after him.

He stopped just outside the closed door and the Head Boy silenced her with a look. They listened to the muffled, but understandable, voices that rushed out words in the office.

"There are hundreds of them. How did their numbers grow so large without our knowledge?" Professor McGonagall nearly demanded.

Dumbledore spoke with authority, cutting off whoever attempted to answer the Transfiguration professor. "The Aurors are arriving, but they need more numbers. Have you contacted all of the professors?"

"Everyone is assembling." The Herbology professor answered. "Only Professor Crouch and Slughorn are unaccounted for…"

At the mention of Professor Slughorn, James cut his eyes suspiciously to Lily remembering she'd already asked about him.

"You don't think Horace…?" McGonagall asked. Her horror was clear even through the wooden door.

"Professor Slughorn left for holiday early." The Headmaster cleared the Potions' Master's name with a sentence.

Professor Crouch's absence remained unnoted.

Without warning the door hiding their eavesdropping opened, revealing them to the professors.

"Excellent." Headmaster Dumbledore smiled as if the Head Students were supposed to be lurking outside his office. "The Head Boy and Girl are here. Quite impressive since they hadn't even been called."

"What can we do, Headmaster?" James asked earnestly.

Deep irritation was building as Lily's curiosity went unsatisfied. _What the hell was going on?_

"Your place is with the students in the Great Hall." Dumbledore said resolutely. "The greatest comfort you can offer is simply your presence."

James opened his mouth to rebut, but the Headmaster motioned for the other three professors to follow him and they blew past the Head Students without another word.

"What the bloody hell is going on, James?" Lily asked the silent room frantically.

He'd been frozen, but the sound of her voice seemed to jolt him. Only a minute after the professors, James fled the office at a sprint. Once again Lily was left to chase after him. Quickly she realized that they weren't heading towards the Great Hall, but she kept after him.

After a few corridors Lily gave up shouting at his back and focused on keeping up with his long strides.

Finally after what felt like running through the entire castle, James stopped in a random hallway. Except she could see that a portrait was opened and waiting on him. She doubled her speed realizing he was about to disappear into the shadows of a passage, leaving her answerless.

"James, please." She rasped out as her lungs burned, furious at the abuse. "What's going on? "

She was still several strides away, but she caught a glimpse of Sirius waiting in the darkness.

A moment of hesitation flashed across the Head Boy's face as he began to shut the portrait behind him.

"No, James!" She cried knowing she'd never reach them in time.

Her desperation finally sparked him and staring into her eyes through the crack of the portrait he finally answered. "It's the Death Eaters. They've attacked Hogsmeade and we're outnumbered. They need all the help they can get."

With little more than a click the portrait reclaimed its normal wall space as if nothing at all had just transpired. Frustrated, she clawed at the painting, begging it to open once again.

_Those idiots were going to get themselves killed! _And the realization how true that statement could be welled inside of her until her horrible dry cry nearly made her double over.

A year ago she would have collapsed with grief. The pathetic girl wouldn't have had the strength to get up again. The old Lily would have curled into a ball until it was over because she was the girl who knew everything of love and had no concept of hate or its reckless acts.

But she wasn't that girl anymore and with steady feet she sprinted back to the Great Hall. It was Dumbledore's order and the only thing she could do…

Because one thing was certain- the Death Eater's Rebellion wouldn't be disguised as such anymore.

The war had begun and it was knocking on their front door.

153450000

**Author**: _I couldn't believe how many people took the time to answer my questions. It was honestly a great help, especially when it came to perceptions. If I know how you guys feel about certain things it helps me write a better story and correct misconceptions. If you've got any time I'd love for you to answer a few questions about this chapter, but as always no pressure. Anything at all you want to share with me, I'm happy to hear. _

**One.** I'm not a big cliff hanger person and this is the first of Love and Other Tragedies. Does it do the job of keeping you wanting more?

**Two**. Did you enjoy the 'in between' moments with James and Lily? They are an extraordinarily backwards couple, but can you find the charm in the small things?

**Three.** What did you think of my potion creation- Abscido Acerbus? It's the first time I've ever made up my own and I know very little about Latin so I apologize if I've mutilated it in anyway. Abscido= cutaway/separate/take away, Acerbus= bitter/gloomy/dark.

**Four.** This is the longest chapter yet. Personally, if I'm reading a story update to update I prefer length as a way to immerse myself back into the storyline, especially with long periods between posts. However, if it's getting hard to read through a whole chapter or it drags, I can find a way to scale them down. It won't lead to faster updates, but the chapters would be more manageable.

**Five.** Has your opinion of Piper changed?

**Six.** How do you feel about Lily's actions throughout the chapter of balancing James and Callum? Or James balancing Lily and Piper? Does it make it okay since they are both doing it? Or does the situation remain innocent because no one is 'officially together'?

**Seven.** As Lily and James' relationship changes we are introduced to new facets between them. Is there a certain aspect that you prefer and/or think is the best? The feisty, the playful, the sweet, the sexy?

_**I don't know if anyone is interested, but I'm going to post some interesting "Behind the Scenes" facts about the story on my profile. If you enjoy them let me know. I can add a few with every update. **_


	10. Chapter Ten

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Dedication: **_I'd like to dedicate this chapter to a reviewer who not only meticulously reviews EVERY single chapter since the very beginning, but also takes the time to make sure I don't forget that there are people out there waiting for my next chapter… _

_So thank you _BlueJeanMistress _and I'm terribly sorry I couldn't provide an update on your birthday. Better late than never… and HAPPY (late) BIRTHDAY! _

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything and I'm not making any money.

**Previously**:

The Death Eaters attacked Hogsmeade and while James disobeyed Dumbledore to go help, Slughorn was lucky enough to leave Hogwarts all together thanks to Felix Felicis. Baker/Harland joined the elite Auror squad, the White Cloaks, and became the face of the Ministry's war against the Death Eaters. The Marauders used a secret passageway to sneak into Hogsmeade to help.

Piper Prescott's best mate got pulled out of Hogwarts and Lily begrudgingly offered comfort to the Hufflepuff, even though Lily isn't a fan of Piper's barely platonic relationship with James. Evie met an older bloke on holiday and can't seem to decide how she really feels about him. James and Lily are struggling to keep their 'no strings' affair from blurring the lines and rules that make their arrangement possible.

Honor Simmons is green with envy over Lily's life and Lily's association with Honor's brother Harland/Baker isn't helping the situation. Remus and Kat have something going on, but neither will bring it up to Lily and she can't admit that she was eavesdropping on their conversation. While Sirius kept Lily in the dark about everything to do with the Marauders, James is more than willing to share all kinds of secrets like the Marauders' Map and his Invisibility Cloak.

At the end of every year Lily has developed a secret tradition of going to the Great Hall to reflect on her year. James was forced to blast off his lavatory door when Lily fell asleep and almost drowned in the tub thanks to some leftover prophetic mess. Evie's not-so-charming habit of altering magic forced Lily to unknowing ingest lust potion and then almost kiss Snape before actually kissing Callum Palmer, who Lily balances just beyond a romantic interest. Christos Savales is the sixth year Gryffindor Prefect and Quidditch player who James has noticed taking an interest in the Head Girl lately.

**Chapter Ten**

**All Good Things**

Fourteen days had passed since the Battle of Hogsmeade.

For all the things that stayed the same, from the untouched village to the casualty less battle, so much more was irrevocable different now. It wasn't just at Hogwarts either. The Wizarding World was forever altered by the events that never came to pass that Friday morning fourteen days ago.

It wasn't about what happened. It was about how close the Death Eaters came to symbolically ripping out the heart of their world.

They'd come for the children, marching on Hogsmeade in wave after wave with Lord Voldemort at their peak. It wasn't as if they didn't know of the mysterious wizard who preached blood purity and raised an army to support him, but over time he'd come across as more of a puppet master than a participator. They would never make that mistake again.

Lily wasn't exactly sure how the events of November 11th transpired. With a strong face and shaking hands, she'd comforted the students of Hogwarts who huddled in groups throughout the Great Hall. Time lost its meaning and she couldn't have differentiated between minutes or hours as they waited to be killed or saved. Lily and the few professors who remained were the only ones who knew that though and the Head Girl had to assure more than one first year that canceling classes was simply a precaution.

A burst of magic flung open the Great Hall's doors and she didn't even have a chance to muster fear before Headmaster Dumbledore and an entourage of professors streamed into the welcoming room. Aurors followed them, taking structured positions at every point of the large hall.

Lily stood petrified waiting for the faces she craved to see more than anything else in the world.

If anything happened to them…. She couldn't even begin to contemplate the thought.

They were the Marauders. They were special. They were hers.

It was unimaginable that someone could take them away from her.

But just as she'd given up hope, the last group of Aurors shuffled in assisting the ragged seventh years.

She took off in their direction without a thought.

A stocky female Auror supported Peter as he limped along with the others. Sirius and Remus looked uncharacteristically grim with dirt dusted faces and ruffled uniforms. Out of all the newcomers, the Head Boy looked the worst. A thin but accurate cut sliced his upper cheek and a stream of blood fled down his face. His clothes were littered with similar sharp cuts making him appear like he'd been attacked by a series of scissor charms.

"What happened?" She demanded, skidding to a stop in front of the boys.

James was already being led out of the hall, leaving them to stare after him worriedly.

"It's all my fault." Peter burst out, looking like he might dissolve into a puddle on the floor. The Auror that acted as his support appeared downright uncomfortable with his blatant display of emotion.

Sirius glared at Lily pointedly before switching places with the Auror who darted to take her place with the others. "Don't be daft, Wormtail. You didn't have anything to do with Death Eaters deciding to attack Hogsmeade."

"…Yeah, but if I hadn't-…If I hadn't tripped then James wouldn't have been attacked and those Aurors could have gotten away." His round face trembled as he gulped down emotion.

Remus stepped forward to place a comforting hand on his shoulder. "If we hadn't been there to cause a distraction then people could have died though Peter, and James is fine. Everyone is fine."

A boom split the air shaking the walls around them and drawing out screams from panicked students.

A strange look of foreboding wrinkled Sirius' eyes. "They're here."

The next hour was one of the most terrifying experiences of Lily's life, but in the end Hogwarts remained impenetrable as blast after blast rebounded against their shields.

The leader of the Death Eaters had marched to their gates and demanded their fear.

Everyone had gotten out of Hogsmeade in time thanks to a diversion created by the Marauders and the arrival of the White Cloaks.

But Remus was wrong. Everyone wasn't fine.

For fourteen days Lily had been forced into some sort of hellish limbo.

The heroic squad of White Cloaks and her dashing Auror hadn't been seen since they'd been left to hold off the advancing Death Eaters. No one knew if they'd been captured, or injured, or any number of horrible possibilities that Lily couldn't begin to fathom. For two weeks she'd been a grotesque, anxious shadow of herself as day after day there was no news of Baker's fate.

"Evans," The tone of James' voice indicated that it hadn't been the first time he'd tried to shake her from her reverie. His presence had faded into the background like everything else of the boisterous Great Hall as they ate breakfast.

"Oh, sorry. What were you saying?" She tried to pull the proper amount of interest to her features, but lately even James' company hadn't ignited its usual reaction. And anyone else didn't even stand of chance of capturing her interest.

James answered her with an air of professionalism, glancing at the rest of their friends around the table. "The Headmaster has requested our attendance in his office."

She nodded and grabbed a piece of toast to finish, following a step behind the Head Boy. Instantly, she was lost again to her thoughts, but she was far from being the only distracted student walking through the halls these days.

Lily's nearly obsessive thoughts had led to an interesting conclusion about the war. From the beginning the whole attack had seemed odd. What had been the point of it? The Dark Lord's henchmen had marched through Hogsmeade leaving the buildings untouched and allowed for more than enough time to prepare Hogwarts' defenses. They hadn't so much as attacked anyone who didn't blatantly stand in their way and other than the disappearance of the White Cloaks, there hadn't been a single casualty.

After listening to explosion after explosion rattle their walls- all thrown from a single wand, she would never doubt Lord Voldemort's power.

And maybe that had been the point.

In one simple strike Lord Voldemort had managed to cast a curse on the Wizarding World without killing a soul. He stood at their gates as if to say "Look how close I can get. It wasn't even a challenge."

One thing was for certain. The children of Hogwarts would never forget how close he had come and the fear that reduced seventh years to tears. They couldn't even speak his name.

"Excellent timing as always, Mr. Potter." Dumbledore welcomed them into his office with a beaming smile and twinkling eyes. "Ms. Evans."

To Lily's surprise, Piper Prescott sat with her usual stiff grace in one of the chairs facing the Headmaster's desk. Dumbledore spoke again as if he could read the question right out of her mind. "I'm sure you're acquainted with the charming Ms. Prescott."

The Head Students nodded with equal curiosity over the Hufflepuff's presence. Lily was pleased that she wasn't the only one who was out of the loop. James seemed just as perplexed as she was.

"Mr. Prescott has come to me with an interesting proposition." Dumbledore began focusing his kind smile on Mr. Prescott's daughter. Piper kept her gaze uninterested, but cordial. "He'd like to donate the gold for Hogwarts to throw a Christmas Ball in honor of our recent victory."

Lily and James digested the information silently. Piper stared at them with an unreadable glint in her eye.

"I think it's a marvelous idea." The Headmaster continued. "The ball will be held on the seventeenth. I'm sure you are aware that's the night before students leave for holiday, but I'm positive we'll manage to pull it off in fashion."

James started to speak, but Dumbledore stopped him with an amused chuckle. "Despite your current restrictions, your attendance will still be mandatory, Mr. Potter, as will your dedication to the event."

For the Marauders' rebellion during the battle they had all been sentenced to mountains of detention sessions and other unsightly tasks. James, being the Head Boy, was held to a higher standard than his rascal friends though, and he had been stripped of all his Head Boy perks, but remained burdened by its responsibilities. Lily didn't know how much of a punishment it was to be rooming with his old dorm mates again. In fact she was sure the boys were treating the whole thing like a big party.

"If I remember correctly your punishment only holds until the eleventh, several days before the scheduled ball." Dumbledore finished as if he was greatly amused by James' and his friends' antics.

The wizened wizard dismissed them with only a reminder to notify the prefects. Lily was out of the office before he'd completed his sentence.

What did she care about a ball when Baker could be dead?

And as easy as that, Lily forgot the news and sunk back into a shadowy world where she could lurk unrestricted for the rest of the day. Professors had far more serious things to scold them about than a distracted Head Girl and the other students left her alone. It was the one good thing to come out of the rumors that had circulated about her relationship with Harland. People expected her to be just as devastated as she actual was.

"You're going the wrong way, Lovely." Evie chided lightly as she matched her steps to Lily's.

Lily shook her head, confused temporarily at the blonde's sudden appearance. But the comfortable manner that Evie walked with made her second guess herself. Maybe, Evie hadn't appeared at all. She'd probably been walking with her unnoticed for quite some time.

The lithe Gryffindor continued when her observation was met with silence. "Unless you're taking a very long route… Sometimes I do that too. It's an excellent way to get a moment to ponder."

"I'm not going anywhere." Lily told her truthfully. She remembered leaving class in a fog and then wandering aimlessly for some time. Her day was finished anyways. "Where are you going?"

Evie's cheeks colored prettily. "I'm just sending a letter…"

"So you've made up with your mystery bloke, have you?" Lily was happy to have something to engage her friend about. Evie must have really liked him if his mention could make her blush. She didn't think she'd ever seen the other girl's pale cheeks flush in such a manner.

"It's nothing as serious as that." Evie shrugged off her questions as they made their way up to the Owlery.

"Wait." Lily paused shaking off her early distraction. Something familiar prickled at the back of her mind. "What did you mean that I was going the wrong way?"

"Only that James is waiting outside the Great Hall. I stopped to ask him what he was doing and…"

But Lily suddenly remembered exactly why James was waiting and she took off without needing Evie to continue. James was waiting on her. Now that he had been banned from the Head Suite, they had to meet up elsewhere to start their patrols.

With the first signs of perspiration settling on her brow, she halted in front of James gasping to regain her lost breath. "I'm so sorry. I…er, lost track of time."

His lips pursed in thought as he took his time looking her over. It was an inquiring distaste that often masked his face when he stared at her lately.

She waited for his scold with a half flinching face of anticipation.

"Let's get started." He stated evenly, kicking off the wall he'd been lounging on and walking past her without another glance.

She didn't dare question the dismissal of her tardiness. It was far more than she deserved. He'd had no problem laying into her a few days ago when she'd forgotten to schedule the next prefect meeting.

They wandered the halls aimlessly with little determination of anything except completing the task they had been assigned. James frequently checked the map, offering Lily a peek when she glanced over his shoulder curiously. The Marauders' Map was still as remarkable as it had been the first time James showed her…But then again almost every new detail he shared brought her a clearer picture of how spectacular the boys could be when they set their mind to it.

Lily realized that she had learned more about the Marauders in the two months that she'd been sleeping with James than she had in over a year with Sirius. It was a strange notion to consider that the mysteries Sirius guarded with such protectiveness were the same that James shared so freely.

"Why?" She asked out loud in response to her internal monologue.

He looked at her perplexed as she broke the otherwise silent corridor.

Her first instinct was to swallow the sudden curiosity. If she started questioning things then when did it end? They could end up forcing issues a lot more dangerous than shared secrets.

But for the first time in fourteen days she could focus on something other than Baker's fate.

"Why was it so easy for you to tell me about the map, and the cloak, and even the passageways?" She asked not caring if it was a bad idea. They were breaking all the rules now anyways. "Is it not some sort of betrayal?"

His lovely hazel eyes clouded and he shoved the distressed parchment of the map into his pocket. "Who have I betrayed?"

"Your friends." She pointed out irritated that he could make her feel stupid for even suggesting the idea. "I was under the impression the Marauders were restricted by some sort of code."

"A code is the equivalent of a rule which goes against the very morals the Marauders were founded on." He drew a roguish smile across his attractive face.

"James." She huffed with exasperation and then immediately wished she'd used his surname instead. It was less intimate. Why couldn't he just answer her question?

He made a noise, annoyed with her and stared up at the ceiling where he'd stopped walking. The torch-lit hallway was dim and quiet except for their voices that echoed of the stone walls. An amble amount of space separated the Head Students as Lily waited for his answer.

"I never thought about it honestly." He spoke finally with a careless shrug of his shoulders. She gave him a swift glare and he further explained. "I mean- why wouldn't I tell you? It's not as if it's anybody's business but my own to share. I helped make the map. The Invisibility Cloak is mine… I told you because it was the truth. I didn't give it a second thought until just now. It was just…natural."

He started their pace again, but she paused confused by his words. It was far from an answer she ever expected to hear. It was so…honest.

Disappearing around a corner ahead, Lily had to jog to catch up with him. She'd only just rounded the bend when a hand yanked her into an abandoned room. Falling over her feet she crashed into the Head Boy's lips giggling. "What are you doing?"

"We're done with patrols." His words came in between quick breaks of their kisses.

"I didn't even realize." She said taking a step back to observe the surroundings.

It was a bleak little room that could neither be identified as an old classroom nor broom closet. The dusty area was somewhere in the middle of the sizes and only a broken living room set occupied the space.

"You wouldn't." He remarked under his breath.

She ignored him running a finger along the collected dust of a loveseat. This had been the routine since James' punishment began. They were forced to find more creative places to shag now that he wasn't allowed in the suite except for prefect meetings.

With one last look at the heavily shadowed room, Lily turned back to him. It didn't really matter where they were as long as they could shag and she was learning that with the proper amount of flexibility that she could pretty much do it anywhere.

Because having sex with James had become the one time that she wasn't living in a dark place of the unknown.

"Very funny." Her voice bounced off the stone walls and back to her in solitude.

He had disappeared.

The door remained shut though and she smiled unwillingly.

"Find me." His formless voice whispered from behind her. The Invisibility Cloak hid him from her view, but not her ears and she closed her eyes hoping to detect a rustle.

He pinched her bum.

"James!" She squeaked loudly in surprise, jerking around and grasping at his invisible body. There was only the slightest breeze against her fingertips. He was just so bloody fast!

They continued their game for a while and other than James' cursing loudly after stubbing his toe, Lily was losing and ready to give up. She'd just opened her mouth to say so when a wicked idea flirted through her mind and her lips slid into a smirk.

"Oh, Potter?" She called out smoothly and then continued knowing he wouldn't give away his position by answering. "We can do this easy way or the hard way… I should warn you though, I'm going to win."

There was no change in the room and she smiled at his challenge. Her dainty shoes were the first to go, leaving her feet bare to the chilly floor after her tights had followed. A pile of fabrics from her robes fluttered around her feet and gently she took her time unbuttoning her blouse until it hung loose at her sides.

Lily had once been told that she couldn't just show a bloke the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen and not allow him to touch.

A naughty look creased her face as she hoped James' wasn't immune to her charms. After all they were charms he'd seen quite a few times already.

She knew she had him at the sharp intake of breath as soon as she'd freed her full chest to cool air. He was close enough now that she could reach out and touch him if she'd liked. The game had changed though and predicting his surrender, she stepped out of the pile of her clothes that only lacked her skirt and knickers to be complete.

"You wanted to do this the hard way." She said. Goosebumps blistered her skin and she shivered at the frigid stone on her naked back.

The silky fabric tickled her skin for an instant and she found herself under the cloak with him. His worn hands cupped her breast with firm but easy pressure and she lost her will to abstain, arching her body into his wantonly.

Her head dipped back in pleasure as she let the wall support her body and James' lips dragged across pert nipples. She gasped at the warm sensation that was a perfect contradiction to the brisk temperature. "I win."

"You fight dirty." His lips murmured against her sensitive skin.

She smiled wickedly. Dirty, indeed. Her hand cupped his hardening cock on top of his pants and he moaned in appreciation.

"The couch." She suggested as he found her lips again. Her body rubbed passed his provocatively as she ducked out of the cloak.

But just as her bum settled onto the lumpy material, light flooded the dark room and she was momentarily disoriented. For the briefest second she sat their stunned and then her eyes adjusted to the figure that loomed in the now open doorway.

Severus Snape sputtered like a fish out of water. "…I heard voices."

Sense came back to her in a burst and she wrapped her arms protectively around her exposed chest. With a frantic useless hand she reached for something to cover her body with and came up empty.

"Get out!" She exclaimed, finding her hoarse voice when no cover appeared. "Get out!"

"Who's in here with you?" Severus demanded. His shock gave way to rage at the sound of her voice. "Where is he?"

Lily didn't dare glance to where James stood, thankfully hidden from view by the cloak he still wore. "For Merlin's sake get out!"

Snape's face distorted unattractively and he shook oddly as if he could suppress some horrible reaction. "Tell me!"

"Get the fuck out of here NOW!" She shouted vengefully.

The door slammed shut. She would never know whether it was her own accidental magic or James' interference. Silence fell over the room, but it had a strange hollow tone after her piercing outburst.

She saw the area where James had been standing distort, but she shook her head swiftly and placed a finger to her lips to silence him. Snape could be waiting outside of the door. With shaking hands she collected her clothes and assembled them back on her body as best she could.

Without sparing a word to James for fear of being overheard, Lily fled the room and passed a stunned looking Snape. She wasn't worried for the Head Boy. He could take care of himself. It wasn't like he was the one who'd just been caught naked by a childhood best friend!

She spent the weekend in hiding. If she was embarrassed after almost kissing Snape in her lust driven haze, it was nothing in comparison to the horror of having been exposed to him in such a dreadful way. It wasn't that he'd seen her half naked, although she'd rather that never happened either.

There was something in his eyes that tore through her.

He'd laid a million different emotions on her with one betrayed look. The least of which had been judgment at her actions. Snape didn't even know who she had been with and yet she still saw all the things she went out of her way to avoid flash through his murky eyes in the instant he discovered her.

Monday came just like it always did though and forced her back into life. As always it didn't take long to catch up with her.

Dumbledore started the meal by announcing the Christmas Ball to the jubilant students. Except he added something that Lily didn't remember hearing before.

"…Since the event is being thrown in honor of the recent happenings in Hogsmeade, all of the Aurors and Ministry members will also be invited… Only fifth years and up may attend, but I expect everyone to contribute to the celebration. And, of course, everyone will be on their best behavior for our most honored guests."

Around Lily thrilled conversations grew like eager weeds suffocating a flowerbed.

"A Christmas Ball!"

"Do you think someone will ask me?"

"I've got to find the perfect robes!"

"Think of all the handsome Aurors that will be there…"

But Lily didn't say a word. Her back was stiff and face tense as she froze with disbelief.

Did everyone forget the 'handsome' White Cloaks who wouldn't be in attendance? Was it so easy for them to embrace the festivities when Baker remained missing? Hadn't he been their hero just a few weeks ago? Didn't they realize how silly it all was when war raged just outside their sheltered world?

All these questions would surely rip through her lips if she unclenched her jaw so she sat silently, waiting on the storm to pass.

In an attempt to erase the relentless picture of Baker's tortured face Lily raced through thoughts that were easier to deal with. Her mind went to James almost instantly. It was strange that he was somehow the relief to the burn when the very scenario she was wrapped up in with him was a metaphorical briar patch of terribleness.

They had never finished what they'd started Friday and she sought his face in the sea red and gold themed uniforms.

Her gaze followed him as he finished his meal and walked towards the exit, stopping to speak with random students who engaged him. She wondered what the chances were of sneaking off with him for a quick shag. It wasn't even the sex that she wanted as much as the brief escape from her troubles. The sex was just the key to helping her forget.

With a steady eye on James' progress, she said her goodbyes and followed his path out of the Great Hall. She was just passing through the doors…

"Evans." Stepping out of nowhere Piper greeted her with an odd expression caressing her pretty features.

Lily stopped abruptly. She was only accustomed to two emotions from the Hufflepuff, polite indifference and indifferent politeness, and the new face made Lily uncomfortable. Piper's eyes were a little too wide. Her mouth was slightly strained and cheeks tinted vaguely pink.

"Hello, Prescott." She responded slowly trying to assess the golden haired girl's purpose. "Did you need something?"

Piper's ocean colored eyes never wavered and the intensity made Lily suddenly paranoid. Had she seen her following James? Did she suspect something was going on?

Her pause continued despite Lily's rushing worries. Finally she spoke. "We should discuss the ball."

But the way she said it made Lily think that it hadn't been what she really meant at all. "Yeah, absolutely…but I've got History of Magic now. It'll be brought up at the Prefect Meeting, of course."

Nervous, she darted away before Piper could protest. What the hell was that about?

She hadn't been lying about class though, even if she was embarrassingly early. It gave her time to alternate negativity between the insensitive ball and Piper's strange behavior. By the time the class had nearly filled she was stewing in pessimism.

A ribbon of happiness tempted to lift her mood at the sight of Callum entering the class, but as he took a seat with a Ravenclaw friend she was reminded that he wasn't willing to play that role anymore. He caught her gaze and offered a gentle smile. Always the gentleman, Callum remained friendly, but there wasn't a doubt that things were strained between them.

Professor Binns began the lesson to a full class. The only unoccupied seat was the one beside the Head Girl and Lily glared at the empty space. It increased her somber mood with its ironic appropriateness.

"I'm so sorry, Professor!" A collection of the banging door and Honor's stout apology interrupted Professor Binns. "I got held up by prefect obligations. It won't happen again."

Binns raised a ghostly hand in an uncaring wave of dismissal.

Lily watched as relief flooded Honor's face and she quickly scanned the room for available seats. Her disheveled appearance almost made Lily forget her bold lie about prefect duty. The Ravenclaw wasn't assigned anything today, and if her wrinkled robes and splotchy face were any indication of her true whereabouts, her 'duties' were more along the lines of quick kip or snogging session with Sirius.

Honor finally spotted the empty seat and took one step forward before recognition of her new partner stopped her in her tracks. The lines of her face hardened as she remained unmoving.

"What is the problem now?" Professor Binns snapped at the stubborn student.

Honor's dusty hair swept over her shoulder as she glanced between her superior and seat beside her self imposed nemesis. "I thought someone might like to trade me for a different seat."

A nervous clatter of noises filled the air and Lily's blush bled down her neck and settled in unattractive red streaks across her chest. Honor was taking this too far this time.

"Don't be silly, Sims. I won't have you interrupting my class any further. Take your seat." The professor bustled about annoyed.

Honor didn't seem perturbed by the misuse of her surname. If anything she stood up straighter and held her mouth boldly in distaste as she took the seat beside Lily.

Lily's hands shook from embarrassment and anger as she tried to take notes, making crooked letters and uneven lines. The unforgiving emotions of the day pounded down on her.

Shifting in her seat, Lily's foot grazed Honor's and the resulting jerk from the Ravenclaw rattled the table violently. Once again they had captured the attention of the class and Lily ducked her head until the students grew bored.

"What is your problem?" Lily hissed through hard lips. She was accustomed to a cold shoulder, but never before had Honor displayed such outward hostility.

The prefect's eyes didn't falter from their ghostly professor, but her hands clenched under the table. Lily could tell because of the muscles that strained in her forearms. "Could you not talk? I'm trying to pay attention."

The complete absurdity of her sentence sent Lily's anger spiking to new levels."Yes, I'm sure you were very worried about your education fifteen minutes ago while you were shagging my ex boyfriend."

"You are trash, Lily Evans!" The suddenness of her chair slamming backwards coincided perfectly with the booming insult that erupted from Honor.

Lily mirrored her actions with little thought and met the enraged girl face to face. "At least I'm not second choice."

An almost visible flash of red filled her eyes before her hand whipped across the Head Girl's face. The slap sounded a lot worse than it felt, but that didn't stop Lily from responding with a furious shove. Honor fell back awkwardly before her back caught on a desk and she rebounded back at Lily with an array of curse words and flinging limbs.

It took multiple students to pry them apart and a sticking charm from Professor McGonagall to keep them restrained sitting in her office after they'd been dragged there.

"I have never!" The Head of the Gryffindor House ranted to the girls who glowered at one another. "The Head Girl and a prefect engaged in a muggle altercation during class! You should be ashamed of yourselves!"

Lily knew that eventually guilt over her actions would sink in, but it was impossible for her to summon anything other than rage while Honor continued to glare from her seat.

"Would either of you care to explain yourselves?" McGonagall peered at them sharply.

Neither spoke.

"Just as well..." The older woman's scowl did not lessen. "I don't think there is anything you could say to rectify my disappointment."

Shame broke through her fury and planted foreboding seeds that would eventually ravage her with guilt. Honor's head lowered as well under the harsh words.

"I recommended the harshest punishment to the Headmaster." She let fear settle over the misbehaving students before continuing. "However… He has come up with a more unique form of retribution that I believe is far too lenient."

Lily waited for her fate with bated breath. She made silly promises to be a better person if only she didn't get expelled. Whatever the punishment (baring expulsion) she decided to accept it gracefully. It wasn't like she wasn't guilty of the offense.

"No one has stepped forward to take responsibility for the Christmas Ball and the Headmaster believes that the time spent preparing for the festivity would be an excellent way for you two ladies to work out your issues."

What?

They had come to physical blows, disturbed a class, and generally made a mockery of the entire prefect system and their punishment was to….throw a party?

It was completely insane. Dumbledore really had lost it.

But then the full implications sank in.

They would have to spend hours over the next couple of weeks _together_. There would be planning, and decorating, and most horrible of all- talking. And all of these tasks would have to be done in the company of Honor Simmons.

It was a fate worse than a million detentions.

Professor McGonagall watched their expressions carefully and the first signs of satisfaction crept across her face. Apparently their collective grimace was enough to assure her of their suffering. "Do not disappoint me again. There will be a great many guest to Hogwarts and if anything goes amiss I will be holding you personally responsible."

The threat loomed over them. Lily had no doubt that if they so much as scowled at one another Professor McGonagall would know about it.

"If you fail then I'll see to it that you both face a _much_ more fitting sentence." She said as if agreeing with Lily's thoughts. "It is clear that neither of you are fit for classes the rest of the day… You will receive failing marks on all of your assignments."

It was dreadful but fair and Lily went back to the Head Suite with a deservedly gloom mood. She gave up one day to feel really terrible using the secret passage to go to the kitchens and let the house elves pamper her to their heart's content. It was a self indulgent day for sure, but when it passed so did the self pity.

Tuesday was a whole new opportunity to regain her dignity and she approached Honor in the library to begin their new project. It was a tense affair and neither spoke unless it was absolutely necessary, but they escaped the meeting without a row so Lily was going to count it as a success.

The only thing more talked about than Lily and Honor's throw down was the upcoming festivities and Lily heard giggling reminders in every corner of the castle over the next week. Even dignified seventh years were reduced to blushing fits and tearful rejections as all of Hogwarts coupled off for the ball.

It was almost too much to bear when she was forced to listen to her own best mates rabbitting over possible dates.

She didn't have time for such silly notions as dates and dresses. She was too busy organizing the party so everyone else could worry about such matters.

"Honestly, Lovely, _no one_ has asked you?" Kat asked with disbelief.

Lily groaned into her DADA essay. Could they not think of _anything _else? "No, and I wouldn't even go if I wasn't required to be there."

"It's probably your new reputation of violence scaring them off." Evie noted thoughtlessly. It was impossible to tell if she was joking.

"If you're so worried about my prospective dates, I'm assuming you both have one." Lily remarked pointedly.

That shut them up. It didn't cease the uproar over the ball though and it wasn't long after that Lily was first approached about a date for the dance.

"Oh, hullo Remus." Lily offered him a weak smile when he stopped her after class one day.

"Yes, good day." He responded with awkward distraction. "Might we have a private word?"

She looked around the empty classroom. Weren't they already?

Remus blushed realizing his mistake. "I'm sorry… It's just that I don't really know how to… I guess I was just wondering…"

_Oh, no_. Lily was horrified. He was going to ask her to the ball. What was he thinking? She sucked in her breath. "Remus-"

"Do you think Kat will go to be Christmas Ball with me?" He finally blurted out his tangled words. "Just as friends, of course!"

Lily thought it was odd that he needed to get inside information to ask Kat as "just friends," but she kept it to herself understanding Remus' skittish demeanor. She didn't want to scare him off. "Well, I can't speak for her, but I have it on good authority that she hasn't accepted an invitation from anyone else so I'd say you have just as good a shot as anybody else."

Remus' smile was crooked as he relaxed at her friendly teasing. "I'm expecting a few good words thrown in my favor."

"You have my full endorsement." Lily replied with a sharp, authentic grin.

The very next day Lily was once again surprised by a Marauder.

"Hi, Lovely." Peter's flushing expression shared much in common with Remus' appearance the day before.

She returned his greeting in kind, halting her wand that had been charming decorations. Lily and Honor had been granted run of the Great Hall when it wasn't being used for dining purposes and Peter wasn't the first friend to discover her new usual location.

After a good bit of encouraging small talk, the shorter boy finally gave up his real purpose of seeking her out. "Do any of your friends need a date to the ball?"

She bit her lip uncomfortably. It wasn't that she didn't know any girls who needed dates. They just wouldn't fancy Peter.

Seeing her unwilling pity, he immediately blushed and began stammering. "It was stupid to ask. I just thought maybe… I can go with the other Marauders and their dates… Really, it'll be fun-"

"It's just a little late, but I'm sure there's a girl that'll be honored to have such a popular bloke on her arm." Lily made up her mind that she'd help him get a date even if she had to offer outrageous favors in return.

His previous mood was immediately forgotten as he trusted her words and left with a cheerful step.

She wasn't even granted a full six hours before it was Christos Savales requesting a moment alone.

"I suppose you're expecting me to find you a date as well?" She grumbled following him into a quiet part of the corridor before Potions began.

His olive features quirked curiously at her comment. "Actually, yes."

"Have I been unwillingly voted Hogwarts' official cupid?" She ranted, irritated by the turn of events. Her plate was quite full as it stood. "Honestly, can't you blokes just man up and ask for a date in the proper way? It's getting to be a little ridiculous-."

He cut her off smoothly. "As adorable as this little fit is, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about and in defense of my sex I have to point out that I was trying to ask _you_ on a proper date to the Christmas Ball."

Her mouth snapped shut in surprise. "Oh."

"Now is your turn to answer my proper request." His confident amusement neither endured nor repulsed her.

"No?" She replied uncertainly. The answer just came out, but she knew it was the right choice as soon as she gave her answer.

"No?" He repeated with curious ease. Her rejection didn't appear to shake him in the least.

"No, thank you?" She shook her head at the stupidity of her statement.

He raised a worried eyebrow and left her to class with a short bow that only he could pull off without looking like a smarmy git.

"Always the popular girl." Callum remarked in passing, giving her a sociable smile as he went. He'd apparently overheard at least some of Christos' invitation.

She tried to muster a grin, but couldn't help thinking that it didn't sound like a compliment at all in her ears.

Two more requests came before the day was out, but Lily denied those as well. It wasn't that they were bad fellows, but each time she imagined attending the ball with them she felt that she'd rather go alone.

It was impossible not to think of James. She didn't want to go with him or anything. The lines were just so blurry now that it was hard not to consider the implications of possible dates they would or would not take.

Piper stepped in Lily's path as if the mere thought of James could summon the Hufflepuff.

"Merlin!" The Head Girl jumped in surprise. "How do you do that?"

"I don't know what you mean." Piper was unaffected by Lily's strong reaction. "You ignored my request to converse about the Christmas Ball."

Lily opened her mouth to refute this because the ball had been discussed at annoying lengths during the last prefect meeting, but changed her mind. There was no arguing with Piper. "Well, what did you want to discuss?"

"Father thought it would be a fitting theme to have some muggle elements added." Piper said directly. "It would show Hogwarts' support for its muggleborn students' heritage."

It was a good idea and Lily made a mental note to bring it up with Honor later.

She was just happy that Piper's attention was focused on something other than James. It was hard to shake the idea that the Hufflepuff prefect suspected something was going on between the Head Students. More than once Lily had caught Piper staring at her with a strange concentration as if she was trying to figure out a particularly difficult puzzle.

Lily certainly didn't want to hang around long enough to accidentally share the wrong piece of information. "We'll talk later. I'm late for patrols."

It was conveniently true and Lily headed to meet the Head Boy with giddy relief. They'd continued their trend of finding inventive ways to shag. A few nights before they'd been patrolling the seventh floor corridor for what felt like hours when they came upon a room filled with the most luxurious pillows she'd ever seen.

This night was once again filled with new naughty possibilities and Lily hoped they'd find their way back to the 'pillow' room.

The tension started building early. An energy crackled between them as it always did and by the time their hour ran out Lily was itching to find a secluded place.

"It's gone." James stopped in front of the wall where only nights before a door had welcomed them.

"That's impossible." She studied the unbroken stones. Her mood sank as the idea of silken pillows slipped from her grasp.

His smile was ironic and snarky. "No, that's Hogwarts."

She glared at the place the door was supposed to be. "Do you have the map? Maybe we could go to the cupboard on the second floor."

"I was planning on adding the pillow room." He explained pulling out the Marauder's Map. "We had to remove the passage that we used for the battle since Dumbledore had it closed off."

"I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good." She said taking the map from him, eager to find a private spot. With the map in her hands, her eyes poured greedily over the parchment. "Filch is over by that abandoned classroom on the sixth floor and the cupboard by the Ravenclaw common room is no good either. Crouch is lingering over there…"

She trailed off realizing that James wasn't participating in her quest. He was just staring at her with a burning edge in his eyes.

"What?" Self consciously she bit her bottom lip.

He stepped purposefully forward, crunching the map between them, and sliding his fingers onto either side of her face. His gaze met hers with powerful lust that cut sharply at her chest. "You have no idea what it does to me hearing you say that."

She wrinkled her nose in amused confusion. "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good?"

A deep sound rumbled through his chest and he pushed her further into the wall. She could feel every inch of what it did to him pressing into her.

There was nothing like having such control of James Potter. It made her drunk with empowerment. With a manipulative purpose she tucked her soft hand under his shirt to rest with teasing pressure on his muscle hardened abdomen. "What's going on with Piper Prescott?"

She had timed her attack perfectly though and her tempting hand kept the glazed lust from escaping his eyes at her question. It was if he barely heard her, leaning down to inhale the vanilla scent of her hair. "We're friends."

"Are you going to ask her to the ball?" Lily's question came with the easy continuation of her fingers sliding underneath the waistband of his pants.

His hands mimicked hers and suddenly the answer didn't matter as much as having her lips on his. Snogging James remained a singularly, mind blowing, erotic experience. He kissed like the secret to happiness lay within her lips.

She unwillingly pulled away with a breathless whisper. "We're in the middle of the corridor… Anybody could walk up."

His kissed told her how much he cared and quickly, she caught up to his way of thinking. Things were spiraling out of control. His hands were everywhere. Her lips were wild, demanding. Lily left her head and gave into the sensations that poured down her spine, slinking through every limb, until she was nothing but mush in his hands.

The echoes of approaching footsteps were too important to be ignored though and thankfully, James had the intelligence to yank them away. The two giggling Head Students fled down the hallway, tripping and bumping into one another as they went.

"The greenhouses!" He whispered with mischievous delight still tugging her by the hand. The electric glint in his eye was infectious and Lily imagined it was the exact same look the Marauders were treated to all the time. It was stupid to feel a spike of jealousy, but it didn't stop the flash of emotion from taking root. They got to have him all the time.

She glanced backwards to insure that their interrupter hadn't followed. Her facial expressions mimicked his, caught up in the excitement. "Okay, but check the map. You never know who might have the same idea."

She didn't realize he'd abruptly stopped walking until the slack of his arm caught and tugged her back sharply. His face was slack and frozen. "James?"

Even though he still hadn't moved a muscle, she could practically see thoughts racing through his hazel irises. It was a moment longer before he spoke. "I don't have it."

And then she could see it as if it were happening again. The Marauders' Map squished between them only minutes ago, hands caressing bodies, the pulling of clothes, and the folded parchment hitting the ground without even a thump to their distracted ears.

Lily opened her mouth to speak, but realized she was too scared. What could she say? This was her fault. It had been her hands that dropped the Marauders' Map. She was suddenly terrified that he would hate her. "I…I… Maybe I can go back."

He grabbed her by the arm as she turned with panicked quickness. "It's too late. Filch will already have found it by now. He was right behind us."

Another wave of anxiety seized her. He had been the only Marauder to share anything with her and look how she repaid him.

"I've got to go." He said suddenly, distracted.

The look on her face must have been truly stricken because it was enough to shake him from his haze. "It's not your fault… I just have to come up with something to tell the others."

Instantly she could tell that he was telling the truth. He really didn't blame her.

She nodded, but he was already gone, retreating in the direction of the Gryffindor tower.

The next day she heard that James had asked Amarina Diggory to be his date to the Christmas Ball. She wondered if it had anything to do with her asking about his relationship with Piper. It would be a lie if she said it didn't make her happy.

A downside was that now she was forced to face the realization that finding a date was necessary. Luckily, Remus and Peter had given her a temporary distraction from finding her own date.

"Have you two managed to lure any victims?" Lily asked with nonchalance, brushing her thick hair over her shoulder. Evie and Kat were hunched together over a stack of books in the Gryffindor common room on a rainy Saturday. "Oops- I meant, dates."

Kat gave her a snarky smile, but Evie giggled behind a pale hand.

"I have decided that I'm going to go alone as a commitment to my love." Evie said seriously recovering drastically from her laughter. "My mum already Owled me the most beautiful dress. It's blue."

Lily shook her head, fighting off a grin and turned to Kat. "What about you? I know you've rejected at least two prefects. They were pouting about it at the last prefect meeting."

"What about me? What about _you?_" Kat shot back, narrowing her round indigo eyes.

"I just figured I'd transfigure a dress I already owned." Lily replied innocently, purposefully misinterpreting the question. "It's not like I have the gold for something as frivolous as a new gown... Stupid Simmons just _had _to go and suggest muggle attire to enhance the muggle theme. I had the perfect set of robes to wear."

"That's lovely, Lovely." Kat's twisted smirk returned. "Last I heard you had turned down every eligible bachelor at Hogwarts. I know who I'm waiting on, but what about you? Who is the unlucky boy you've got your eye on?"

"I'm just waiting for it to feel right." Lily answered dismissively. She was only interested in what Kat let slip. "More importantly, who are you waiting on?"

Kat's eyes widened at her carelessness.

Lily sighed. Kat still wasn't ready to share whatever was going on with Remus. "…Well, if that falls through I thought you should know that Lupin is looking for a date. He thought you might like to go."

"As friends." The dark haired girl added, but her eyes had changed. They were lit up with happiness. "I think that's a grand idea."

With one task complete, Lily was in a good mood leaving the common room. She smiled at a group of passing third years.

A tinge of guilt brushed against her reminding her why she was upset in the first place, but she kept it at bay for the moment.

She could imagine Baker flirting with her if he was here, just to see her smiling face. He'd tell her how 'shaggable' she was or that he'd come back just so she'd stop being such a worrying troll all the time.

As if the two of them were now connected in her mind, thoughts of James followed the sadness associated with her best mate. She had somehow conditioned her thoughts to seek the ease of James after the burn of Baker.

Today the thought of him wasn't enough. She needed to touch him- feel him under her fingertips.

It was with an uncharacteristic fondness that she sought the Head Boy late that night. All of the catastrophic fears that had plagued her about their relationships seemed insignificant and unimportant as of late. She felt stupid for worrying so much. As two mature adults they could handle a physical relationship without things getting messy elsewhere. And it wasn't like giving up the one thing that was keeping her sane was exactly a healthy solution.

Even better was that James' restrictions would be over tomorrow.

She was sick of all their encounters going awry especially now that she so desperately relied on the interaction.

With the shift of their relationship, came a certain amount of gratefulness. She really would have gone mad without his unconventional method of comfort.

But how could she thank him? How could she show him that it meant a lot to her?

She couldn't, but another alluring idea demanded attention.

James had let her in on secret after secret. It showed that he trusted her. He wanted her involved in his life where Sirius had failed so spectacularly.

She would show him the one secret she had to give.

At dinner she slipped him a discreet note asking him to meet her at the Truth Mirror two hours after curfew with his Invisibility Cloak.

He arrived on time with curious speculation slanting his features. His punishment would not be over until tomorrow, meaning he couldn't enter their suite, but she smiled at his intrigue and pulled the cloak around the both of them.

For once she was the one leading and exhilarated chills ran down her arms at their close proximity.

"All this mystery and you bring me to the Great Hall?" He stared at the looming doors, unimpressed. "You realize that dinner was over hours ago."

Throwing off the cloak, she grinned and stepped forward to push the doors open before them.

Lying on the hard table their heads fit beside each other like puzzle pieces in the sloping space to their shoulders. James' legs stretched down the flat surface of table toward the Head table, while Lily's lean form, legs crossed at her delicate ankles, pointed in the direction of the entrance.

The dark sky above them was distorted by dense stretched clouds that promised snow. Promises the enchanted ceiling couldn't keep.

"How did you know?" James' voice was a wisp more substantial than a whisper. The silence of the room was intimidating and suggested the quiet tone their voices took.

She felt petulant smugness that he was impressed by her secret discovery. "I figured out that they never locked the doors years ago… It's hard for me to believe the Marauders never stumbled across that little piece of information."

He pondered in silence for a lazy moment that echoed their subdued state. "Maybe, we didn't want to know. The challenge is really half the fun of a good prank… Unrestricted access to the Great Hall would have made things embarrassingly simple."

She found truth in his thoughtful tone.

As had the predictable routine called them to the Gryffindor table for the last seven years, they had walked unquestioningly to their meal spot upon entering. It was natural and added a dose of familiar comfort to their blatant rule breaking.

"But why?" He asked breaking the content silence again. Realizing the vague connotation of his initial request, he added quickly. "Not why did you check the Great Hall doors in the middle of the night. I've witnessed far too much of your stressed induced insomnia to not figure that out… Why did you need a place so hugely alone to come and think?"

"I guess it felt like the only place big enough to hold all my thoughts."

"When did you first start coming here?" He seemed intrigued that there was part of her that he hadn't seen.

Lily was surprised at how easily she thrust the secret at him. This was the one thing that he couldn't observe- the one part of her life that so solely belonged to her. She sat up slowly, pulling her legs to cross in front of her as she faced him. Copying the Head Girl's actions, he brought his knees to touch hers and they sat face to face.

"I come here at the end of every year, the night before summer holiday. Up until my parents died I just thought of it as a fun, secret tradition. After that it became a lot more important… I'll tell you a secret if you promise not to laugh."

He met her earnest gaze with solid reassurance.

"Sometimes I think this room has special magical properties, like Rowena Ravenclaw's lost diadem. My thoughts are so much clearer. I always do my best thinking that one night a year."

James kept his promise and didn't laugh. Instead he smiled an entertained, yet kind, smile. "So why not come here all the time? If I had the access to a room that helped me sort through my mind I would take advantage of it all the time."

"Well, maybe that's why it doesn't work for you. I wouldn't want to use it so carelessly. After all, if I messed with tradition it might not work anymore." She answered carefully, considering his input.

"That's a lot of self restraint for a twelve year old."

Forcing her curly hair to curtain around her blushing face, she looked down uncomfortable with a kind observation about her personality from him. "And what would you have used it for? You seem to have a pretty clear control over your thoughts."

Physically they had been as close as humanly possible, closer than she'd ever been with anyone else, and yet she was clueless to decipher the stormy look that touched his hazel eyes. It wasn't the first time she'd wanted to understand him, but never before had she ached to ease whatever unpleasant emotion plagued him.

When he spoke the stormy look was gone, covered not eradicated. "I don't like to linger over thoughts if I can help it, but I could have used a place like this when my parents split up."

"What?" She was shocked. "I didn't know your parents weren't together."

"_They_ didn't even know that I knew." He laughed lightly like it was just a funny story he was remembering. "It didn't last very long and Dad had moved back in by the time holidays started, but I always knew."

"How?" Lily was drawn into this odd side of his life he was opening up to her. "What happened between them?"

"... It wasn't like they were ever one of those mushy couples that shows affection all the time. Growing up it felt more like living with two people that were best mates rather than married." With a comfortable air, he rested his hands on her knees as he spoke.

Instinctively she leaned in, enjoying the smells of fresh laundry and grass that seemed to cling permanently to his skin. "That doesn't sound so bad."

"It wasn't." He insisted. "But when you settle for a relationship at some point you have to accept that you're never going to get your big love and I think it hit my mum harder than she thought it would."

The strange contradiction to her family was an unpleasant shock. Her parents had been ridiculously in love and it hadn't always been the easiest situation to deal with, but the idea that there were some people out there who would never find that true love made her uncomfortable and sad.

She might be one of those people.

No words seemed adequate to express the way it made her feel so she leaned forward and captured his lips instead. Most days kissing him was the only thing that did make sense to her anymore.

Something was different though.

It wasn't the movement of his mouth, but instead the way this kiss made her feel.

They pulled away softly, but she wasn't quite ready to give up this new feeling yet. He sensed her hesitance- her need to continue- and pulled her to meet him again while running his hands up her legs to rest on her bum that was pulled slightly off the table.

His hands were hot through her stockings and she wondered what he thought about her lack of knickers.

"You are positively dangerous." His low voice peeked out between kisses somewhere between a moan and a growl. Apparently, he liked it quite a bit.

A smile pulled her lips away from his and he yanked her back using the leverage of her bum. Recapturing her mouth wasn't his only plan though and soon he snuck both hands beneath the elastic of her stockings. They were gone when they stopped kissing again.

The wood was cool against her skin for an instant before James had her in his lap, legs slinking off either side of him.

The unusual sitting position forced them eye to eye and they were trapped within one another's gaze.

She could feel him though- hard and ready through his trousers. Any other boy and she might have teased him for his seemingly always eager erection, but she was just as bad when it came to him. A brief kiss could have her wiggling in her knickers from the moisture that begged for friction.

She needed him now too, but looking away was impossible as hazel drove into emerald.

The intensity never broke as her hand trailed down his body and unlatched his belt with experienced fingers. Even his sharp intake of breath at the intimate contact didn't deter the spell that had captured them. With a slowness that would have driven both of them crazy any other time, Lily leaned back, placing both hands on the table behind her.

And still their eyes locked as if they experienced every fiery sensation through the other's eyes.

Her back arched with beautiful certainty, using a gentle hand to grasp his hard member as she took him inside her.

The sudden fullness threatened to break their eye contact as she fought against a pleased flutter of her lashes. A desperate sound floated to her ears and somehow the strange magic that held them remained.

She rolled her hips with graceful pointed strokes, setting the rhythm while he held her hips in agreement to the mutual pleasure.

A powerful intensity wrapped around them, creating a cocoon of palpable energy. It was strong, building with her orgasm, until she thought she might explode from the overload. Yet, she couldn't look away, even as her thrusts became faster and faster, and whimpers rioted from her lips.

He could feel it too. She could see it in the way he held his face like uncontrollable tears or enormous joy waited just beyond the cliff that they were desperately trying to throw themselves over.

Harder and harder until-

"Lily!" Her name broke through his lips with a revered helplessness.

He came with a force that twisted his features to the point of pain, finally breaking their gaze, but not her need. With a frantic air she continued to ride him, lengthening his orgasm, until her own pleasure collapsed around her.

Dark exhausted spots clouded her vision and then she was limp against his chest as he cradled her in his tight grasp. Sporadic spasm shot through random nerves as she recovered, unable to move.

Eventually, they regained control over their bodies, but words seemed loud and disrespectful so they dressed and shuffled back to the Head Suite in silence.

"What are you doing?" She asked weakly, fighting against her dragging feet. He followed her into the suite.

His smile was only half genuine, and she knew without a doubt that whatever strange change occurred had affected him too. "It's after midnight. My punishment is over."

Without question, he took her hand and helped her tired body up the stairs.

She didn't want to leave him.

The thought frightened her immediately and she fought to suppress the implications of it.

There wasn't long to fret though because instead of releasing her to slumber in her own room, he led them into his recently abandoned suite. The room had the stale smell of undisturbed air and the finest layer of dust clung to his furniture's surfaces from a month away.

With a heavy thump, he fell into the bed and wiggled out of his clothes until only his under things remained. He noticed her stationary stance. "No need to fake modesty now, Evans. I know you wouldn't bother with clothes at all if you had your choice."

She didn't know how to tell him that getting undressed wasn't the problem. It was the sleeping that held her back.

Sure, they shagged, but they didn't do sleepovers. Now he expected her to just climb in his bed and what? It was against the rules and weird… But staring at the Head Boy wrapped up in his fluffy bed did look tempting.

She tossed her dirty clothes in the loo where the house elves collected them and reluctantly joined him. He better not expect any snuggling though.

But after extinguishing the lights, she was happy to note that he stayed on his side of the bed. With nothing to listen to except their off pattern breathing, Lily grew irritated with the allowance. She would never be able to fall asleep. No matter how tired she was the uncomfortable vibe would restrain her from rest.

Stupid, James.

…

…

…

Lily woke up with a jolt. The darkness of the room was split by a sliver of light that leaked through the half closed curtains. She was confused for a minute, taking in the familiar surroundings that were slightly off, until the memories from the night before slid into place. This was the Head Boy's room.

So much for not being able to fall asleep.

Judging by the dim light it was early- barely after dawn- and she wondered what had woken her at such an unreasonable hour.

The chattering of her own teeth flooded her other senses with the cold that nibbled at her skin. She was freezing. A quick look at her sleeping partner solved the mystery. He'd stolen all the covers!

Reflexively, her body sought the warmth from his side of the bed. Somehow he had managed to cocoon his body within the thick quilts until only messy locks of black hair snuck out of the bundle. Even after she had fought her way within the blankets with him, the previous chill lingered causing shivers to roll down her limbs. Her feet were practically ice.

A nostalgic memory rushed her at the familiar cold.

Winter nights of Lily's childhood had often left her shuffling down the hall to her parent's room. No matter how many blankets and quilts her mum piled on top of Lily, it was never enough and the cold woke her shivering every night. Her dad would pull her into the big bed with sleepy eyes and she would wiggle deep into the ocean of warmth between her parents. Her little feet were always the last to warm up though and she could never help from tucking her icy toes under her father's warm legs.

"Lily." Her dad would warn with tired irritation, but never once would he push her away.

Lost in the calming memory, she barely noticed her feet seeking James' legs. All she had to do was follow the heat.

On contact a disgruntled sound rumpled through his chest restlessly. He didn't push her away though and she held still, letting the heat he radiated seep into her bones.

"…Smell good." He said through closed eyes. The thoughtless tone of his voice clued her in that he was far from awake.

Even half asleep he was stronger than her though and he wrapped his body around her, burying his face in her abundance of hair.

She should have fought him off.

She should have gone back to her room.

She should have never been there in the first place.

But in the end all she _did _do was close her eyes and give in to the heat that lulled her swiftly back to sleep.

When she opened her eyes again she knew exactly where she was. It was kind of hard to miss the Quidditch Captain clinging to her or the sheen of sweat that their body heat created.

"I figured you for more of a kicker than a cuddler." James' voice was rough against her ear.

A new awareness tingled through her and she wiggled her bare skin back into him. There was something terribly seductive about skin on skin. "Funny. I could have easily predicted you would be stingy with your covers."

She felt the laughter in his chest jostling against the clasp of her bra. It was swelteringly hot, but she couldn't complain when his hand slid under her ribcage to cup her full breast beneath the lacy fabric.

James' room was much brighter than before signifying that morning would soon lurch into afternoon. Sundays certainly weren't free of responsibilities, but there wasn't anything so important that it couldn't wait until later.

"Maybe, you deserve a little punishment." She smirked with wicked delight throwing the covers off of them.

A stout wave of cold hit them, but Lily ignored the temperature, climbing on top of the grinning Head Boy. "I have been naughty lately."

"Lately?" She asked incredulously, pushing him back into the mattress as he tried to steal a kiss. "More like always."

His face strained with sudden unearned panic that didn't match the situation.

With a purse of her lips she started to question him, when she figured it out all on her own. James had heard what she missed barely a half a second ago.

"Prongs?" The voice was impossible not to recognize calling quietly from behind James' closed door. "You in here, Prongs?"

Instinct took over as Lily flung her body off the bed, dreadfully aware that with every word their guest got closer to discovering them. Awkwardly, her feet tangled and her knee hit the floor with bruising force. It didn't stop her though as she forced her forward movement with impressive determination.

The curtains she'd tucked behind were still swaying when Sirius opened the door.

"Padfoot." James greeted with a fake yawn.

Lily would have rolled her eyes and his terrible acting if her harsh breathing didn't threaten to expose them. She clamped a hand over her mouth hoping to quiet the noisy intake. There was nothing to be done about the thunderous beat of her heart though. It sounded as loud as a freight train in her ears.

"Oh, you were sleeping." Sirius' voice was dull and a mockery of his usual happy spirit.

Her mind galloped with paranoia. Did he know she was there? Had she been too slow?

"Just woke up actually." If James detected anything wrong, his voice didn't betray him. In fact his next question was so carelessly thrown that Lily almost dismissed the relevance to their current dilemma. "How'd you get past the Truth Mirror?"

"Remember when you tried to give of us all blanket invitations to come in without needing to get one every single time?" Her ex boyfriend answered. "Well, I guess it worked…"

Even through her storm of panic she could find interest in that piece of information. A 'blanket invitation' could be useful. It got annoying trying to remember to directly invite her friends to enter the suite every time they came to see her.

"Up for a round of Quid-." James stopped short and began again with a concerned tone. "Sirius?"

"He's dead." He replied in an inflectionless voice. "The Ministry Owled me this morning to tell me Uncle Alphard's will had been read… My family didn't even bother to notify me."

"What happened?"

Sirius laughed humorlessly. She could imagine the cruel sneer that tortured his face. "He always said that the remorse would kill him. I guess it did… Alphard was a piece of work, but I'm glad he went peacefully."

"What can I do?" The empathetic pain was a sharp reminder of the deep love that connected them. They cared so much for each other that they hurt for each other. "Want to break into the stash of Firewhiskey and get blitzed? We haven't snuck out of Hogwarts since the battle. A little adventure might do the trick… Anything, Padfoot. Name it."

Sirius' weak sigh was so dejected that Lily had to restrain from giving in to her immediate reaction to wrap her arms around the boy who had always meant so much to her.

"I hate this." Sirius said. To Lily and James' horror he sounded on the verge of tears. "I can't stand all this…emotion! It's terrible. I don't see how girls function this way…I'm a bloody disaster and getting drunk is suppose to sound wonderful, and all I feel like doing is talking about my feelings."

"What about Simmons?" James suggested quickly, horrified with the turn their conversation had taken. He wanted to be there for Sirius, but he didn't know how helpful he'd be with 'emotions.' What if Sirius cried? James shuddered at the thought. "She might be better suited for all this."

"It's not like that with Honor." He replied letting go of a frustrated breath. There was a long pause before he spoke again and Lily wished she could see what was going on. "What happened to your lavatory door?"

A stab of pain forced guilt into her open wound. She knew without a doubt that as much as she wanted to comfort Sirius it was nothing compared to his craving for her as he'd reflexively looked toward her room and seen James' broken door.

"A little magic gone wrong- accident, really." James shrugged off his inquiry easily. He obviously couldn't explain that he'd saved Lily from drowning and then they'd shagged. "…I might not be good at this _feelings _stuff, but if you need me then I'm here for you, Padfoot."

"I-I just wish I hadn't messed everything up." With broken words, he forced out the statement.

"You can't possibly be blaming yourself for this. Uncle Alphard was old, Sirius. He knew he wasn't going to make it that much longer. It was why he reached out to you in the first place."

"No, I know that." Sirius stated honestly. "I meant with Lily. I know you think she's kind of uptight and I never did anything to try and make you like her better, but she was-…one of kind. She always made me feel special like wherever I was exactly where she should be. I can't explain it right… But I think it felt like home."

Lily stood frozen listening to the uncomfortable noise that James made.

Sirius continued on, misinterpreting James' interruption as one of embarrassment. "I was so selfish though. She was the one thing that was all mine and I didn't want to share her… I ruined it though. I ruin everything… And the worst part is that I think she might be the only person who could help."

His sharp intake tried to fight the emotions that bubbled through his words. "It hurts… I don't think I've ever hurt this bad before."

It hurt Lily too. It was a pain that mixed achingly with guilt and empathy.

"…Then we're going to need to find some really strong Firewhiskey." James finally said, earning a moist laugh from his best mate. "That's the only kind of comfort I know how to do."

"Alright, Prongs." Sirius allowed and Lily could hear the half smile in his voice. "Let's get Wormtail and Moony. I'm sure we can find some trouble."

The boys moved noisily around the suite as James' dressed and freshened up for the day. It took half the time that it usually did and then they were gone.

Lily was left alone shivering in her knickers. This time it wasn't from the cold.

She went through the motions of her morning as anxiety and guilt hardened into a rock that settled in the bottom of her stomach- solid and unyielding.

"Not that I care-." Honor started sharply after they'd been working on the Christmas Ball decorations for an hour. "But what's your issue? It's creepy and your hand shaking is really throwing off the charms on those ornaments."

"Er-." Lily halted her wand. Honor was right. She was shaking. "Stress, I guess."

"We're all stressed, Evans." The dirty blonde haired girl snapped- her clear eyes sharp and accusing. "It doesn't mean I screw up all our hard work. Do I need to remind you that if we don't do a good job we could face a lot worse punishment?"

Lily walked away instead of responding, letting the Great Hall door slam behind her. Honor should have been thanking her. If she'd stayed chances were the prefect's face would have been cursed off.

This was when normally she would seek out James- the thought of him or his physical comfort.

But something terrible had changed. In those insignificant moments when they were both forced to face the guilt that they deserved something had snapped.

All of the rules that they'd set and then dangerously stretched had been shattered under the weight of Sirius' words.

It couldn't be really broken though. She wasn't ready for that.

This could just be one more thing that _never happened. _

Without James, her mind jumped to Baker. A vengeful undercurrent caught her in all the worries she'd worked so hard to suppress.

It was all too much…

No matter what activity she attempted, her nerves remained a jumbled mess. When she ran out of useless distractions that night, she made her way back to the Head Suite- dread clinging to every step.

Entering the ominously silent suite, she walked to his closed door with bravery she didn't know she possessed.

"James?" She called out quietly when her knock went unanswered.

Silence. Wiggling the knob, a strange numbness settled in her chest, finding it locked.

It was as if her body was operated under the Imperius Curse, walking to her room calmly and dressing in her nightclothes.

Automatically, her eyes avoided her closed lavatory as if her brain detected something she could not yet process.

When there was nothing else to do, she opened the door and entered the bathroom they shared together.

Everything remained clean and pristine just as she'd left it. The only difference was the closed door that loomed from the Head Boy's side.

There wasn't even the slightest hint that his door had ever been disturbed- the scorch marks vanished and cracked wood replaced.

It was as if it never even happened.

Lily walked silently to the solid wood and placed a hand softly against the smooth grain. She didn't have to check to know it was locked.

It was over. The amber color mesmerized her as she wondered how something as insignificant as a door could have such serious implications.

_It never happened. _

She stepped away quickly, dropping her hand as if it burned. It was over.

Stumbling, she found her bed and gripped the bedside cabinet where Harvey rested.

It was over. It never happened.

And she was empty.

133280000

**Author: **_I had more trouble getting this chapter out than any other chapter ever. Not only was writer's block an issue, but I also have NO internet connection whatsoever. Hopefully that won't be a problem too much longer._

_As insane as it sounds this chapter along with Chapter Eleven: Dates and Mates were initially supposed to ONE chapter, but as you can tell I found a perfect ending spot. The result is a little bit different than my normal chapters. Usually I treat every chapter like a mini story with its on mini plot lines and developments, wrapping up at the end of every chapter, so obviously there are a lot of loose ends. _

_However the separation of chapters allows a lot more focus on the Christmas Ball and the preparation leading up to it. _

_For those of you upset that James and Lily's affair ended, I promise you that I'm going to give them proper and healthy relationship they deserve…eventually. I think Lily proved that she isn't ready yet and James has his own issues to work out. _

_THANK YOU! THANK YOU!- for those who took the time to review. I can honestly say this story would take me years if it wasn't for your motivation. _

Things to consider in reviews (but honestly any input is appreciated):

ONE. Honor and Lily's catfight

TWO. The metaphor between James and Lily's affair and the bathroom door

THREE. Piper's new behavior- does she know about the affair?

FOUR. Sirius' confessions to James about Lily

FIVE. The end of the affair

_**Most people seemed to really enjoy the "Behind the Scenes" stuff so I'll be updating with a whole new batch of Chapter Ten facts if you want to check it out on my profile… A lot of it is how my story ties in with cannon and a little about the writing process. **_


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. I'm not making any money.

**Previously:** _(I recommend at least scanning this sections. It includes all previous information that is relevant to this chapter.)_

James asked fifth year Hufflepuff, Amarina Diggory, to the Christmas Ball even though he has something weird going on with Piper Prescott too. Piper has always been a thorn of irritation in Lily's side, but her strange behavior lately has Lily convinced that Piper has somehow discovered her affair with James. It was Piper's father who donated the money and suggested the muggle theme for the Christmas Ball.

James ended his relationship with Lily after they were forced to face their guilt over betraying Sirius, but not before Snape walked in on Lily topless and luckily missed James who was under his Invisibility Cloak. Lily was already dealing with not knowing Baker's (aka Harland Simmons, Honor's brother) fate after he disappeared in the Battle of Hogsmeade along with his entire Auror division, the White Cloaks. Lily overheard Dumbledore saying that Slughorn and Crouch were the only professors absent.

Lily promised to get Peter a date to the ball and successfully set up Kat and Remus to go as 'just friends.' Evie decided to go solo and her mystery boyfriend invited her to stay with him during Christmas holiday. Lily hasn't found a date yet, but Callum Palmer did overhear Christos Savales (Greek, beautiful, Quidditch player) asking her to go to the ball and her turning him down.

Luka MacMillan bullied sweet innocent Evie and then Lily caught him having a serious discussion with Professor Crouch, who Lily is convinced is hiding something. Astrid Wilkinson, a fifth year Gryffindor prefect, owes Lily a favor for getting her an invite to the Slug Club Halloween party. Marley McKinnon is the only non-muggleborn girl in the seventh year Gryffindor dorm. She is friendly with Lily, Kat, and Evie, but much better mates with Honor Simmons and Emmeline Vance.

**Chapter Eleven**

**Dates and Mates**

"For Merlin's sake, Lovely!" Kat suddenly exclaimed, snapping the Head Girl out of her reverie. "It's a dance not a death sentence!"

Lily was shaken for a moment trying to remember what had been going on a moment ago to cause such a loud reaction, but she hadn't been listening to her friend's conversation at all.

"For two days we've watched you mope about acting as if someone kicked your puppy." Kat's rant continued. "Quit with all this 'feeling right' nonsense and just pick someone!"

The seventh year Gryffindor girls were gathered around a variety of textbooks that scattered messily upon the common room floor. Marley and Kat had organized the impromptu study session, but the Head Girl was quick to agree, dragging Evie along. She was happy to have girl time even if she couldn't admit to them the real reason for her despondent attitude. It was much easier to let them believe she was worried about the upcoming Christmas Ball.

It had been two days since James closed the door on her.

For two days she'd walked around in a fog of numbness, unable to let the title wave of emotion sweep her into a depressed abyss. He'd been her escape and now on top of having to face Baker's uncertain fate, he'd left her with a gaping hole of longing. Because no matter how strongly she wished that "it never happened," she couldn't make her memories forget the taste of his lips or the feel of his hands on her willing body.

There was something more horrible than the physical need though- something that she would have never predicted.

She missed him.

At some point over the countless nights and seemingly meaningless interludes, the boy who could infuriate her faster than anyone she'd ever met, had become her friend. She caught herself thinking of the way he teased her- always tittering on the line honesty, or how he handled her differently than anyone else in her life. He was raw and rough and never made her feel fragile like other boys did. She liked him, needed him, missed him and it killed her.

James' behavior over the past two days made the situation even more maddening.

He had become a ghost in the Head Suite, always a few minutes ahead of her. If it wasn't for the steam that lingered on the mirror in the morning or Snitch disappearing every night, Lily would have believed he'd prolonged his restriction to the Marauders' dorm room.

As crazy as it seemed, she much preferred his avoidance to the way he acted when they were forced to interact.

For six meals and eight classes, James Potter was more polite than he'd ever been to her in their previous seven years of knowing one another. He was friendly and well-mannered and…utterly unaffected.

Lily was alone, feeling ridiculous and silly for putting stock in someone who managed perfectly well in a world where it 'never happened.'

"Did you really turn down Christos Savales?" Marley asked eagerly, leaning forward to take in the gossip.

"He's a sixth year." Kat jumped quickly to her best mate's defense. Her tone was pointed and let the other girls know without a doubt how she felt about _sixth years. _

Evie sighed wistfully as she twirled a quill between her fingers. "He doesn't kiss like a sixth year."

Marley, Lily, and Kat laughed at the longing on the tall blonde's face. Before Evie had become attached to her mystery bloke, she had spent a good deal of her time at Hogwarts appreciating the male (and sometimes female) student body. It was hard to believe how good at commitment the laissez-faire Gryffindor had become this year.

"If gorgeous, well-toned, Quidditch gods aren't capturing your fancy then _who _are you going to say yes to?" Marley's blonde kinky hair bounced with her exaggerated head nods. She sounded genuinely curious more than judgmental of Lily's rejection.

"Yes, Lovely, please inform us." Kat was all too eager to jump on this train of thought. She'd been harping on the issue ever since the ball had been announced. "Because you're running out of options… Let's see you rejected Christos Savales, Adrian Rooney, and even that attractive Hufflepuff who never talks to anyone-."

"And I hate to bring this up." Marley cut in with an apologetic face. "But you alienated the most desirable group at Hogwarts by dating and subsequently breaking up with Sirius Black."

"There's Callum Palmer too." Evie added with a matter-of-fact nod. "Everyone knows he's fancied you all year and is waiting for you to say 'jump'."

With a helpless shrug and dejected sigh, Lily relented. "Alright you caught me… The truth is I am waiting on someone. He's wonderful and I think I might be in love with him. I just can't imagine going to the ball with anyone but Luka MacMillan!"

Her dramatic statement was met with stunned, shocked expressions. Lily lasted ten seconds before disintegrating in a howl of laughter that rocked her so hard she had to wrap her arms around her abdomen.

"I swear I won't ever ask about the ball, if you promise to never do that again." Kat's delicate features still held lingering shock from her ex dorm mate's statement.

"Merlin, Lovely!" Marley laughed- assured that it was a joke. "Can you imagine –that personality-less troll with Lovely Lily?"

"He's terrible." Evie added. She didn't find Lily's joke humorous. Her big blue eyes widened, remembering the short time she was forced to be Potions' partners with him before she'd convinced Professor Slughorn to let her trade. "I hope no one will go to the ball with him."

"I don't suppose anyone will." Marley added knowingly. There was a teasing promise of gossip in her tone as she lowered her voice. "Not with the how his family is all mixed up with Death Eaters."

If the other two girls hadn't shushed Marley for the sensitive subject matter, Lily would have littered the Chaser with questions.

She had never heard anything about the MacMillan's being Death Eaters. Not that most families advertised their dark affiliations, but for most part it was rather obvious. Everyone knew about the Blacks, and the Malfoy's, and of course- the Rosier and Avery clans.

The new information took Lily's mind back to a deserted corridor where she'd been trapped listening to Luka MacMillan have a heated conversation with Professor Crouch.

If Luka MacMillan was a Death Eater then could Professor Crouch be involved with the Dark Lord too? Even at the time, Lily had thought the conversation was oddly personal. Her resolve became stronger than ever to discover what the DADA Professor was hiding.

"That was an excellent way to deflect our questions, Lovely." Evie jolted Lily from her paranoid track.

Kat's eyes narrowed seeing the truth of the taller girl's words. "Clever."

"Hey!" Lily was quick to halt another inquisition. "You swore not to mention it again!"

Kat opened her mouth to object, but Evie was already speaking. "I didn't though, and I think there might have been a little bit of truth in what you said about Luka MacMillan."

All three girls looked aghast at the implication.

Evie quickly dismissed their misunderstanding as she continued. "Maybe you really are waiting on someone who you think of as forbidden. You've been full of secrets lately and it would explain why you don't seem interested in all these beautiful boys…"

Lily had no control over the telling blush that slapped across her cheeks with a vengeance. Her thoughts went to James. Not because she was longing for his invitation, but because she had been keeping plenty of secrets lately. She couldn't deny that he was the reason it was so easy to turn down her other suitors.

"It's Piper Prescott, isn't it?" Kat burst out suddenly. "You're in love with her!"

"What!" Lily was thankful for Marley's exclamation because she was too surprised to speak.

"Well, it would explain why she's always near you lately… And it fits with Evie's theory." The raven haired girl's face flushed less severely than Lily's as she defended her question.

"Don't be silly, Kitty-Kat." Evie giggled, relaxed and easy. "If Piper Prescott was a lesbian she would have fallen for me years ago."

It was the eccentric seventh year's comment that finally pushed them over the edge. Lily laughed so hard tears leaked down her face while Kat clutched at her hips as if she was trying not to use the restroom on herself. Marley's fit was strong and silent, shaking her entire body.

"Did you ladies finally get our last prank?" Sirius asked standing over the group of girls with Remus and Peter flanking his sides. "It's really the only excuse for such hysterics."

"No." Evie recovered first. "We were just discussing Lily being a l-."

"Late for my Head duties!" Lily cut her off and added a harmless glare for good measure. It was hard enough seeing Sirius after overhearing his confession without him thinking that she'd broken up with him for a woman. "See you at dinner!"

She was fast, collecting her possessions a blur, before trying to dart around the three Marauders. It was Peter who caught her eyes and delayed her escape. "Er-… I was just wondering about that thing we discussed before…"

Last minute realization stopped her from further embarrassing the shortest Marauder. Honestly, she'd completely forgotten about trying to find a date for him. "It's completely under control. We'll talk later."

Leaving them then, she felt guilty for being so cavalier about having a date to the Christmas Ball. She'd politely declined several blokes, while some people were reduced to begging others to help coerce someone into going with them. The way she'd dismissed decent guys was insulting.

Why hadn't she just said yes?

She would have gone with Peter herself if she didn't think a pity date would only lower his confidence further. With strong conviction Lily decided she would get serious about finding them both dates the next day.

Except that the following morning an article in The Daily Prophet distracted her from her mission.

**White Cloaks Still Missing**

**By Featured Columnist- Camille Collins**

_**A month has passed with no sign of the special Auror division, the White Cloaks. During the hugely successful Battle of Hogsmeade, the White Cloaks were last seen holding off a wave of Death Eaters that were marching on Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It is safe to say that we owe these heroes the lives of our children, but how long should we hold out hope? **_

_**It might be time to consider letting their brave souls rest in peace-**_

Lily couldn't read further, and she pushed the newspaper away as if the parchment caused the nauseous rolling in her stomach by proximity. Continuing her meal turned out to be impossible and she made excuses before fleeing.

A minute earlier or step faster and her exit would have timed perfectly with Severus Snape's solitary walk from the Great Hall. Lily thanked the powers-that-be it wasn't going to be the day she had to face her old friend. Her steps slowed to ensure that their paths wouldn't cross. Ever since he'd got a good look at her knickers, they'd been avoiding each other soundly. It wasn't terribly different from their normal relationship except for the sharp glares she could feel when she wasn't looking.

"Evans?" A distant voice requested her attention and Lily stopped outside the Great Hall doors.

"Why are you way other there?" Lily asked staring at the puzzling distance that Piper Prescott kept between them.

"You seem to have an adverse reaction when my presence goes unannounced." The Hufflepuff was fresh faced and rosy cheeked with her golden hair braided off her face in a complicated style.

Lily laughed. She even picked up a hint of teasing in Piper's voice that would have normally been dismissed as inflectionless. "Well, I'm almost positive that you want startle me now."

Piper approached briskly. "Would it be acceptable for me to walk with you?"

"Er-…Sure. I suppose that would be fine." The Head Girl tried to be kind, but Piper's recent behavior kept getting odder and odder. "I'm on my way to Charms."

"That is convenient. My first class is History of Magic." She matched her steps with Lily's as they began the journey to the classes that were on the same hallway. Silence settled until Piper spoke again. "My father was pleased with the muggle twists on the ball."

Lily nodded, unsure what to say. The girls were quiet again.

"I was disappointed when Potter asked Amarina Diggory to be his date." The Hufflepuff stated calmly.

Stumbling over her feet, Lily fought to stay reaction less. But what was the proper response to something so random? It made her feel like Piper was testing her. Lily didn't speak, struggling to keep her steps measured and even. Her first instinct was to stride away as fast as she could.

"I think he is very interesting." Piper continued on as if they were discussing the weather. Another beat of silence and she spoke again. "What about you?"

"What?" Lily squeaked and immediately cursed the panic that tinged her voice. Piper was practically baiting her to come clean about her affair with the Head Boy.

"Are you planning on taking a date?" She explained slowly never missing a step.

"Er… I'm not sure yet." Lily's response was rushed and bumbling. "Hopefully, I'll find someone to go that I can have a good time with."

"…Like with James." Piper added thoughtfully.

This time Lily's feet quit without her power and she stared at Piper with horror. "Excuse me?"

If she was concerned by Lily's reaction she didn't show it. "You want to find someone you're comfortable with… Like I wanted to go with James for the same reasons."

Her explanation might have made perfect sense, but Lily was more positive than ever that Piper had some type ulterior motives. It was like she was trying to trick Lily into spilling the secret.

"I don't imagine there are many decent blokes who are still available." The golden haired girl remarked sensibly. "There are only three days until the seventeenth."

Immediately, Lily opened her mouth to refute the statement and then the math calculated in her head.

_Three days! _Where had all her time gone? It seemed like just yesterday that the headmaster announced the ball. What the bloody hell was she going to do?

Her first action was to get away from Piper Prescott and all her disguised remarks.

Secondly, she ran through a list of things that had to be accomplished by the ball as she sat in Charms.

She needed a date, a girl willing to go with Peter, and a muggle gown. It would be easy to sacrifice her own date as long as the other two objectives got completed.

By the time dinner rolled around, Lily had remembered there was a reason she'd been procrastinating those three tasks.

Mostly because they were completely impossible.

Everyone already had dates and she had no desire to spend her hard earned gold on a stupid dress that she was only going to wear for a couple hours. She'd just have to use magic to make do with something she already owned.

Caught up in her plans, Lily nearly missed Kat's mention of Callum Palmer. Her ears perked up, curious if the Ravenclaw had finally asked some lucky girl to be his date.

"…never seen anything like it. One moment Callum was walking down the corridor and then suddenly Snape cursed him. Snape's always been volatile, but this was completely unprovoked. Poor Callum never even stood a chance."

"Is he okay?" Snape was notoriously practiced in the dark arts and Lily felt immense worry for Callum.

"He was unconscious, but McGonagall was levitating him to the hospital wing last I saw." Kat nibbled at her full plate in between words. "Snape got off free too. He'd run away as soon as he hit his target, but I heard a second year say that she'd seen it with her own eyes and was just too frightened to speak up against Snape."

"Everyone was trying to figure out what Palmer could have done to get on Snape's bad side. Callum's very sweet. Everybody thinks so." Evie added, genuinely perplexed by such mean spirited motives. "I've never even seen them talking before."

"Me either." Kat offered quickly, strangely interested in the turn of conversation. "In fact I'd say the only connection they have other than both being seventh years is…you."

It took Lily a moment to process that her tiny friend was referring to her. "That's-…Don't be silly. That's ridiculous."

She didn't like the idea of being associated with this at all. This didn't have anything to do with her…right?

"Yeah, I'm sure you're right." Kat agreed thoughtfully. "It was just an errant thought."

But long after dinner the thought stayed with Lily. She tried to rationalize the doubt away, but something ebbed at her memory pushing her instincts to consider another alternative.

Snape had been furious with her the last time he'd seen her. _"Who's in here!" _He demanded again and again, a hideous vein pulsing under the thin skin of his forehead.

She knew for a fact that Severus knew about her date with Callum because he'd harassed her while she'd waited for Callum at the post office during the Hogsmeade trip. If Snape thought that it had been Callum who Lily was with when he'd found her topless, was he capable of such cold unwarranted retribution?

Around and around her mind raced until she ended up waiting patiently for visiting hours to begin outside the hospital wing instead of breakfast the next morning. Surely, Callum would have a little more insight into what triggered the attack.

"I'll have to let myself be cursed in the back more often." Callum greeted her with a good-natured grin after swallowing a yawn. "It's almost worth a wakeup call from the pretty Head Girl… Do all Hogwarts students get the same treatment?"

It was just too easy to be charmed by him. "Nope, I admit it. It's complete favoritism."

"You really know how to make a bloke blush." But he wasn't flushed in the least. Despite his easy charm, the seventh year prefect looked sickly pale. "So, to what do I owe the pleasure, Ms. Head Girl?"

"I heard about what happened and I was worried about you." She told him honestly.

"Well, you're welcome for keeping the gossips busy with something not related to Lily Evans for once. It was really all a ploy to get back in your good graces." His accent grew more pronounced as he talked through a smirk. "See- a Ravenclaw can be a knight-in-shinning-armor too. Most people assume the job is Gryffindor's apply only."

It was uncomfortable hearing him joke that she was somehow involved, especially since her instincts were telling her it was true. Snape had violently attacked an innocent for his mere association with her. All poor Callum had ever done was take her on a proper date and how did she repay him? By getting him attacked by a dark arts obsessed maniac who was convinced that Lily was fooling around Callum.

"What's wrong, Lily?" It was almost too much- the worry on his face. He was trying to comfort her when she'd gotten him into this mess.

Her guilt doubled. "You're the one laying in a hospital bed. What can I do for you?"

"Well, don't look so sad first of all." He shot back, sincerely unhappy that she was visibly upset. "Secondly, quit staring at me like I'm dying. I'm fine. The overnight stay was just Madame Pomfrey being overly precautious. I'll be embarrassing myself on the dance floor at the ball in no time at all."

"I didn't know you were going."

Callum chuckled and raised an eyebrow at her statement. "Isn't everyone?"

"I guess I just hadn't heard any happy girl, bragging about going on your arm."

"That's because my arms will be girl-less." He focused on her with curious amusement.

"Callum?" She asked carefully, trying to shake off the useless nerves.

"Yes, Lily." He answered with polite grace. It was like he was daring her to do it.

"Will you go to the Christmas Ball with me?" Only an unsteady waver tinted her words. It was a lot braver than she felt. They both needed dates and if she could have fun with anyone at Hogwarts besides James, it was Callum. She just hoped he would see it the same way she did.

"On one condition." He said surprising her.

She nodded.

"I won't go with you if you're asking me out of some misplaced sympathy that I've managed to end up in the hospital wing… There are a lot better reasons to want to go with me- take my witty banter skills for instance." He insisted.

It might have been guilt that initially gave her the idea, but in truth she'd been wishing he would ask her all along. "You're giving me way too much credit, Palmer. I'm not that selfless… Really, I only want your body."

His bark of laughter drew the ward's attention and got Lily dismissed from the hospital wing. She had two more tasks to complete anyways and Callum's suggestion that she'd asked him to the ball out of guilt had sparked a strange idea.

She had to hunt the grounds for a while, but eventually she found the person she was looking for. "Astrid, hey!"

The fifth year halted immediately, separating from the group of girls she'd been walking with while she threw them excited looks. "Hi, Lily!"

The younger Gryffindor prefect was her normal bouncing self. She continued to check over her shoulder at her lingering friends as if she hoped as many people as possible were present to witness the cool and popular Head Girl talking to her. The air outside was cold and the wind blistered them, but Lily was too excited to wait until they could get back inside.

"Who are you going to the Christmas Ball with?" She blurted out too excited by her idea to beat around the bush. Maybe, Piper was rubbing off on her.

The freezing wind already left a rosy sheen across Astrid's round face, but there was a visible deepening of color at the question. "Umm… My mates and I decided we'd all go together. We're not really interested in any of the boys in our year."

Lily would have felt bad for embarrassing her, if the young Gryffindor's answer hadn't been exactly what she wanted to hear. "Listen, I have a friend who would love to take you to the ball. He's a seventh year and I can assure you- a real gentleman… Before you answer keep in my mind that you did promise me a favor."

"I'll owe you favors more often if this is how I have to repay them!" The fifth year giggled excitedly. "Even if he is a troll I'll still be the only one of my friends who has a date!"

Huge relief mixed with Astrid's contagious attitude as Lily grabbed her for a hug and kissed both her cheeks. Astrid was positively beaming, knowing her friends had witnessed the whole exchange and would surely support her later statements about what great mates she was with the Head Girl.

"And he's not a troll." Lily smiled coyly. "He's a Marauder."

For a moment a spasm rolled across her face and then Astrid opened her mouth and shrieked. Her friends rushed them, unable to contain their curiosity, and Lily stood surrounded by a group of girls that were all a foot shorter than she was.

"I'm going to the ball!" Astrid wheezed out between sharp intakes of breaths. An audible gasp went through the crowd of girls. "With a Marauder!"

It was impossible to hear anything over the squeals and Lily fought her way out of the ecstatic fifth years that had started jumping up and down, holding each other's hands.

It was a truly disgusting display of the power that the Marauders had over the female population. If Lily hadn't somehow fallen victim to their charms, she might have scolded the girls, but seeing as she'd gone through exactly one-half of the four boys, she didn't really have a leg to stand on.

Her victorious afternoon wasn't even allowed to sink in before she was sitting in her least favorite class this year- Defense Against the Dark Arts.

She couldn't even give a true assessment of Professor Crouch's teaching abilities because her mind was always swamped with paranoid theories instead of paying attention. Everyone else seemed oblivious to their teacher's true intentions. It was starting to feel like the Head Girl's duty to keep a sharp eye out, considering she was the only one to see through the act.

"Ms. Evans, I asked everyone to partner up." The suspicious woman in question caught Lily in her swaying thoughts. Her face was drawn up in distaste and her un-groomed brown eyebrows arched together in contempt.

A subdued giggle went through her peers as Lily snapped out of her daydreams to realize she was the only one not paired up with a classmate. The embarrassment burned into anger when Crouch's face streaked with pleasure at her students' reactions.

"Maybe, if you were paying better attention you wouldn't be the odd student out." The older woman's face twisted into one Lily was more accustomed to on a teenager. She was actually taking joy from embarrassing Lily. "I suppose you can work with me for today."

The Head Girl's jaw clenched, going to stand beside Professor Crouch with jerky movements. She was in enough trouble without mouthing off to someone in a position of authority.

The instructions were set, and then they were assigned to work quietly with their partners perfecting the wand movement required for the difficult spell. Lily turned to her partner with dread.

"Did you even glance over the assigned reading from last night?" It didn't take long for Crouch to criticize Lily's unpracticed wrist.

"Yes, Professor. I read the entire section." She fought hard for the level, emotionless tone her voice perfected. Her bad form had a lot more to do with nerves under Crouch's hawk eyes.

Her disbelieving response only made Lily's shaking worse. "It's a bad time to be slacking on your studies, Ms. Evans. You won't have Hogwarts to protect you next year."

If that wasn't a threat then Lily had never heard one. She waited a moment before responding, completing three perfect movements with her wand. "I completely agree, Professor Crouch… It was very lucky we had Hogwarts and its staff to protect us during the battle."

Even in all the tumult, Lily had not forgotten the two professors Dumbledore had named as absent as she eavesdropped with James the day of the battle. Lily knew exactly where Professor Slughorn had skedaddled too, pushed by his liquid luck. But where had the new DADA Professor disappeared to as the teachers were called to defend them?

The subtle shift of her bland eyes did not fool Lily. For a split second, the professor scanned her expression, checking to make sure whatever secret she kept had not been uncovered. The Head Girl kept her face innocent and sincere.

"Maybe if you studied harder, Ms. Evans, you could protect yourself next time." Her statement was as cool as an autumn afternoon.

Lily knew for certain then that her naïve act hadn't gotten passed Crouch's razor sharp senses.

It was still worth it to the Head Girl. After all, now that Crouch knew Lily had suspicions maybe she'd slip up. One thing was clear though leaving Defense Against the Dark Arts for the last time before holiday- it was game on between them.

At dinner Lily tapped into her Gryffindor bravery and marched to her meal spot with her head held tall.

She was the last to arrive of their spread out eating group. The Marauders clustered together with a bit of space between Honor, Emmeline, and Marley before Lily plopped down with Evie and Kat who lingered at the end. To an outsider they probably looked like one big group and conversations often bled together, but to Lily the lines that separated them were clearer than ever.

"I've asked Callum Palmer to be my date to the ball." She announced piling food on her plate. "You can cease and desist your campaign to couple me off."

Kat took her time drawing out a round of applause until she'd captured the interest of the larger group.

"Good for you, Lovely." Marley's smile was wide and her eyes twinkled with secret input. "I think he's a catch definitely worth the wait."

Lily shoveled food in her mouth so she wouldn't have to respond. Thankfully, Kat was swept up in the next item on her checklist of mandatory tasks of preparation. "What about your gown? A darker green always looks great on you or are you going to continue shocking us with your wardrobe choices like that black dress you wore to my birthday party?"

"I'm just going to make something work that I already own." She felt defensive about her decision. It wasn't like she had a choice anyways, and she wasn't going to waste time mooning over something else she couldn't control. "Can we please talk about something else?"

"I'm just excited! It's going to be a blast and we've all got fun dates." Kat excused her over the top behavior as of late.

Lily glared at her. A brief look of sadness plagued Evie's pretty features. Not everyone had dates.

"Fine, fine." Kat relented begrudgingly. She completely missed Evie's flash of emotion. "Are you really positive you want to stay at Hogwarts over holiday, Lovely? I can always tell my parents to shove it about our lack of space."

"I'm actually looking forward to it." Her answer was half true. She was sure for the first few days the alone time would be wonderful, but she didn't really fancy the idea of spending Christmas alone. It would still be better than spending the break in Petunia's stuffy house or Kat's overcrowded lodging though.

"You do realize that _none _of our other friends will be here?" Kat asked, outraged by the idea.

"I'll be fine." Lily laughed in reply, but made sure that her determined friend accepted her truth.

In unison, Lily watched the Marauders rise with grace. It was like they choreographed it. She grabbed a roll of her half eaten plate and wished the group goodnight.

Lily couldn't help but notice Honor's eyes that watched with thinly veiled contempt as she followed her boyfriend and his friends out of the Great Hall. There was nothing Lily could do about it though. Was it her fault that to get one of them alone she had to approach all of them?

"Peter!" Lily almost barreled over the group. She hadn't expected them to stop right outside the doors.

Four attractive boys stared back at her with curious eyes.

"I just need a moment." She ignored the others' attention and focused on the shortest one.

Peter's stocky body scuttled after her until she'd gathered enough space to ensure the other Marauders couldn't overhear them.

"I just wanted to let you know that my friend Astrid was looking for a date and I told her that you'd be nice enough to escort her."

Peter blushed and his eyes shot to everywhere that wasn't Lily's face. "Er…I don't think I know her. You're sure she wants to go?"

With gentle words Lily assured him that she was happy to go with him and filled him in where to find the fifth year so they could make further plans. Peter's happy face made all the worry worth it.

It didn't, however, make having to walk the long distance back to the Head Suite with a silent James Potter worth it.

She couldn't have predicted the nosy Marauders hanging around until she'd finished talking to Peter though. It didn't seem like the Head Boy had made the consideration either as his face flashed with realization.

He couldn't very well shun her in front of his friends or else they would want to know why. It was the first time they'd been alone since their relationship had wordlessly ceased.

After two hallways it became apparent that James had every intention of making this journey in silence.

"Good day?" She cursed her stupidity, but the tension was killing her. It wasn't like small talk had ever been their forte.

His head nodded with disinterest. He didn't even glance at her.

Narrowing her eyes, she tried again. "The quidditch match versus Ravenclaw is right after holidays, isn't it?"

Again only a nod signified that she'd spoken at all. Anger boiled under her skin. "I have an idea! Why don't you fake having to tie your shoe or something so you don't have to spend one more second tortured by my presence? Don't worry I'll just continue on my way like _NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED!" _

Furious tears were barely restrained as she hurried ahead of him. She wanted to run, but wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

He was driving her insane! She'd thought that they'd become friends at least, but he'd flawlessly returned to his careful indifference as if they hadn't shared something undeniably intimate. The Truth Mirror forced her to stop long enough to gain entrance and she realized that he'd done exactly what she sarcastically asked. He couldn't even manage to be in the same corridor with her. Standing alone with nothing to do but study the stone walls was a better option than being near her.

A new round of angry sobs hit as she slammed her door and collapsed on her bed.

She wasn't a crier and most times when she did shed tears it was because she was more angry than anything else. It was like the emotion of rage was too much to hold inside and it leaked out as tears.

Trying to find relief, Lily rolled over to where her precious Harvey stared at her with concern from his aquarium. Immediately, she wiped at her face trying to appear chipper. The last thing she needed was her Knut sized turtle worrying after her well-being.

Harvey, who had always been an energetic ball of emerald happiness, had dimmed seriously in color and spirit. His shell had turned an ugly pale color and most of the time Lily found him sleeping rather than playing nowadays.

She'd written Mr. Price as soon as she'd noticed the change, but the medicine and advice her old employer sent her hadn't made much of a difference. If she didn't know any better, Lily would think that the end of her fling with James was somehow connected.

She soothed a finger down Harvey's shell. Of course, it was affecting him. She was stressing him out. A palpable negativity probably radiated off her.

"Don't worry about me, Harv." She told him sincerely. Her nurturing hand never left his back. "These are teenage troubles. You're much too young for these yet."

Lily fell asleep feeling a lot better and Harvey looked a lot worse when she woke up.

With reluctance she left him for classes, but planned to come back whenever she could to check on him.

It was the last day of classes and the professors all seemed to be in the Christmas spirit after their exams, letting them go early. Between class and running back to the suite to see Harvey, the day passed in a blur.

Before she knew it the day of the Christmas Ball had arrived.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Kat eyed Lily's angry fork that stabbed her eggs with a vengeance. "It's already dead. You don't have to kill it again."

"I'm dead too." Her melodramatic answer came as a result of faking so much happiness around Harvey and bottling up her real stress. "Or at least I'm going to die of embarrassment when I have to go to the ball tonight in my knickers."

"That sounds like a fantastic idea actually." Callum's voice came from behind Lily and she glared at Kat and Evie for not warning her of his approach.

"Be careful what you wish for." She turned with faux cheerfulness to her date. "Are you ready for me to trample all over your feet on the dance floor?"

"I'm looking forward to it." His smile was warm and genuine in response. "Should I pick you up at the Head Suite? How does that work exactly? I've never been inside for anything other than a prefect meeting."

"Callum Palmer I invite you to come into my suite whenever you need me." It wasn't even a fake smile that spread across her face anymore. If for no other reason she was excited to go to the ball just to spend time with Callum. "There- you're good to go... I'll see you later."

"I could always come help you with your dress, Lovely." Evie offered when Lily's date was out of earshot.

Lily considered all of her blonde friend's magical miscues- most of the time Evie did a lot more harm than good.

Sensing her unease, Evie jumped in again. "I promise to participate in an advice role only."

"Okay, just come by later." The Head Girl's mind flashed to the wardrobe full of clothes she had no clue how to alter. "I invite you into my suite whenever you need me."

With no other choice, Lily headed to the library after breakfast. She was sure there were a few books about magical clothing alteration.

Two hours later, she filed out of the library with three measly books. They were dusty from disuse and she had no idea if they'd be any help at all (one was written in the 1700's), but they were better than nothing. She dropped them back in the Head Suite before heading to the Great Hall for a quick lunch.

Only a sparse amount of students ate lunch under the charmed ceiling- most of the older students were already primping for the ball, while everyone below fifth year prepared to leave on the Hogwarts Express later in the afternoon. For the students attending the festivities, the Hogwarts Express would be back in the morning to usher them home to London.

An increasingly familiar presence approached Lily as she cut through the halls heading back to her room.

"Happy Christmas, Evans." Piper said walking up to Lily slowly. Apparently, she'd taken the Head Girl's sensitive nerves seriously.

Lily returned the sentiment. It was getting easier and easier to be around the Hufflepuff.

"I have something for you." Lily couldn't see Piper's face through her golden locks as she stared at her feet and rushed out the words like they burned her mouth.

Out of all the strangeness lately, this had to take the cake. Piper seemed…nervous. It was an unbecoming emotion on her and Lily instantly hated it. Piper was all proper and predictable. She always said exactly what she thought.

And suddenly Lily realized with surprise that she actually _liked _Piper. When had that happened? There was something reliable and true about someone who spoke their mind.

"Okay." Lily said with a mix of horror at her realization and Piper's out of character behavior.

As if her simple statement had erased whatever nervousness plagued Piper, her face cleared into its normal poised perfection. Shuffling through her bag for a moment, Piper met Lily's eyes when she finally shoved a pristine box into the Head Girl's hands.

"It's a set of mirrors." Piper blurted out while Lily still stared at the simple blue box in confusion. "You can communicate through them."

She was giving her a present? It was as if the wires of Lily's brain were stumped into misfires. Why would Piper get her a Christmas gift?

"My father found an old shop in Germany that had all kinds of magical knickknacks. When he wrote me about finding three pairs of them, I knew they would make excellent presents for you and James since-…since we're…Friends?"There was no mistaking the hopeful question that lingered in Piper's otherwise confident words.

And just like that all her unusual actions over the past weeks made perfect sense.

The only friend that Piper ever had was Hester Sprout and they'd bonded at age eleven. Piper had absolutely no idea how to make a friend.

Lily felt horribly silly remembering how Piper had sought her out time and time again. The Hufflepuff hadn't been trying to force Lily into admitting something was going on with James. She'd been trying to be friends with Lily in the only ways she knew how.

She had even tried to open up to Lily about James asking someone else the dance besides her. Blinded by her paranoia, Lily hadn't been able to see what was so obvious now.

"Yes." The redhead was strong in her resolve, trying to assure Piper with confident grin. "We're friends."

And even though Piper would sooner cut off her own nose than admit it, Lily could see the tension roll away from her. She really did need a friend."I got a set for James too. Do you think he'd like it?"

Knowing that Piper was completely socially inept made interpreting her deeper meaning clear. When James had asked Amarina Diggory to go to the Christmas Ball with him, Piper had construed it as him dismissing their friendship. Lily spoke carefully."Potter loves presents… You know, I'm not sure that he's romantically interested in Amarina."

"That's too bad. He's a very nice boy. I think he has a problem connecting with girls though." Piper remarked sincerely.

"You're not interested in James?" She asked cautiously.

"I thought so at first, but we're much better as friends. He has a certain detached quality that can be rather frustrating."

James was probably just as lost with Piper as Lily was. She'd have to find a way to tip him off to her true intentions if he wasn't already aware. He did have a way of reading people that Lily could never grasp though.

"It's getting late." Piper said suddenly. "I'll see you at the ball…Lily."

The importance of getting back to her room set in as she raced the whole way- lost in thoughts of emergency dresses she could pull together.

"Cutting it a bit close aren't you, Lovely?" Evie was waiting on her bed when Lily burst into the room.

"No time for talking." She was a blur rushing across the room to her wardrobe and dragging everything she owned into the floor. "This has officially become an emergency situation."

"I think I can help with that." Evie stated calmly, and Lily looked up from her frantic search.

The pretty blonde hadn't moved an inch since Lily's arrival. Her hair was braided in a casual bun that didn't look appropriate for the ball in the least and her clothes were comfortable but crisp. They were much too nice for lounging.

"What's going on?" Lily's senses prickled. Something was going on.

With slow careful movements, Evie lifted up a garment bag and easily lowered the zipper. "What about this?"

The floor length gown was made out of expensive looking blue fabric that sparkled when the light bounced off it. It was appropriately low cut with a surprising slit that peaked out when Evie twirled the dress for her inspection.

"That's yours." Lily objected.

"Lovely, I'm sure we could make a fairly solid attempt at creating you a gown, but it seems kind of unnecessary… I have this beautiful dress and I'd much rather you wear it and be happy. Because this-." She shook the dress at Lily. "Is a happy girl dress and all I would do is miss someone in it."

Struggling against the fullness that clogged her throat, Lily managed to speak. "But what about you?"

"I'm going to go back to London and surprise Xeno a night early." She declared happily.

"Xeno?" Lily's sentimental tears spilled out with her giggle. "You're mystery bloke's name is Xeno?"

"Xenophilius, actually." The blonde smiled proudly. "Xenophilius Lovegood."

"You're sure about this, Evie?" Lily reached out to run an appreciative hand down the silky material.

She giggled. "Honestly, you're doing me a favor, Lovely. Now I don't have to feel guilty about wasting such an expensive dress."

"Thank you." Lily wrapped her arms tightly around her friend when she stood to leave. It was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for her.

In response, Evie leaned forward and kissed her on the lips. Lily didn't move confused by the much more than platonic kiss.

"Er- what was that for?" Lily asked fighting off giggles when Evie finally leaned out of the kiss.

"I just wanted to see if you were as good of a kisser as everyone says." She explained like it was completely normal. "I figured you'd be thankful enough to let me."

"Well?" The Head Girl prodded when Evie walked to the door without filling Lily in on her findings.

"You were better." Evie tossed the words over her shoulder before exiting he room as calmly as she'd come.

All the excitement of the day left her to get ready in a third of the time that the other females of Hogwarts had taken advantage of. She used magic to straighten her hair and then re curl it. The old trick gave her hair a more glossy and defined array of curls. The old muggle way was better for makeup though. It created cleaner lines and a fresher look.

The dress was an interesting fit. She and Evie weren't exactly the same size. While both slender and tall, Lily's hips curved with well proportioned curves and the dress was tighter on her than Evie. At least Evie was blessed with a little more in the bust than Kat or the dress would have been obscene.

As it was, the dress had a certain sexy quality that Lily wouldn't have normally picked out for herself, but it was far from vulgar.

"Beautiful." Callum complimented when Lily came to greet him in common room of the Head Suite. "You look really beautiful, Lily."

"And you're quite dashing as well." She smiled taking in his muggle attire. The refined look only made him more attractive. His light blue eyes sparkled back at her.

They stared shyly at each other, unsure what came next.

"Should we go?" She took charge of the uncertain situation. "I'd love to find Kat and Remus. She's been keeping her dress a secret."

He took her hand as she conquered the stairs in her heels. "Kat and Lupin? I didn't see that coming."

Scared that their conversation would evaporate, Lily grasped onto a subject that she had something to talk about. Her voice had a nervous breathless quality as she spoke. "They'll tell you they're just friends, but I'm positive they fancy each other."

"Sounds complicated." Callum ran a hand through his dark curly hair.

Their conversation continued with a little force, but it didn't take long before they were entering the transformed Great Hall.

Her date went to find them a drink and Lily was left alone to appreciate her hard work.

The clear sky above allowed the twinkling stars to cast a soft glow down on the students that poured in. Tall muggle Christmas trees had been charmed to float off the ground and dark crimson ribbons twisted with white unsupported above the crowds. It was simple and classy. The small details made the room charming and didn't overdo it.

"I found your friends." Callum reappeared at her side and took her hand again.

She let him lead her back into the bustling throng and smiled politely when random students congratulated her on the beautiful job she'd done with the decorations.

Smaller round tables had replaced the normal ones and they circled around the dance floor that took up most of the available space. Kat and Remus along with Astrid and Peter were seated at one of the tables that was draped by a crimson tablecloth.

Lily opened her mouth to compliment Kat's flowing Grecian style dress when Professor McGonagall appeared in her normal wizarding robes. "You're needed at the front, Ms. Evans."

Once again Lily threw herself into the jostle of the crowd as she fought her way to the front of the Great Hall. Students were trying to find their places before Dumbledore's speech and she struggled against the mass of bodies. A quiet had just settled over the room when Lily finally broke free and nearly stumbled.

A strong hand kept her from falling and a chuckle swept the crowd that had just spat her out.

"Thank you for joining us, Ms. Evans." Headmaster Dumbledore's booming voice quieted the students as he eyes twinkled with amusement.

Dumbledore and the other professors along with some people Lily didn't recognize stood at the peak of the dance floor. The crowd that had just swelled now rescinded leaving the Head Girl abandoned in front of the important assembly of people.

"Our wonderful Head Boy and Girl, ladies and gentlemen!" The headmaster brought his hands together in applause that the Great Hall adopted.

Lily looked up shocked, noticing for the first time that it had been James who stopped her from falling on her face. He wasn't looking at her though. His jaw was clenched and the stiff hand he gripped her arm was almost painful as he yanked her to where Dumbledore motioned them to stand at the end of the group of adults.

As his speech continued Lily couldn't help from checking James' expression out of the corner of her eye. It was like he was in physical pain having to stand so close to her. Was she really that repulsive?

She knew she should be paying attention to the speech, but she was too perplexed by the sudden change in James' attitude. He'd gone from ignoring her to looking like he could barely stand the sight of red hair.

When he abruptly walked away, it took her a few seconds to realize that Dumbledore was finished.

The music began and now she was forced to weave through the dancing students that poured onto the dance floor. For the most part it was easy to dodge stopping to chat with scattered couples, but when Piper met her eyes she knew that she had to make an effort.

"The decorations look very festive. I'm impressed with your use of color." Piper said directly.

Lily mustered up a smile at the compliment. Piper and Christos Savales looked marvelous together. He was almost too pretty in his dark grey suit, and Piper's green dress was flattering and modestly cut.

"Father is around here somewhere and he would love to meet you." Lily got a good view of the complicated up-do that held her golden locks as she swiveled her head searching for her father.

"There you are!" Callum snaked an arm around her waist. "I thought I'd lost you."

Lily gave Piper an apologetic smile and then instructed her where to find their table when she found her father.

"So what made you turn down Savales?" Callum asked as they made their way back to the table. Apparently seeing the younger boy had reminded Callum of her rejection. Lily had forgotten about him overhearing Christos' invitation. "Isn't he supposed to be kind of big deal with the ladies?"

"Quidditch." She joked, but it irritated her that he might categorize her so shallowly. "I've already got an ex boyfriend on the Gryffindor team so I didn't want to cause any discord."

He laughed, amused by her blasé attitude. "You don't care about the Quidditch relations between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw?"

"Oh, I have more house pride than you think." She teased with a sparkling smile. "This is all secretly a plot to increase hostility and insure a win for Gryffindor."

He laughed, pulling out a chair for her at the full table. Lily was just about to relax into the seat and indulge in a gossip session with Kat, when a familiar hand wrapped around her forearm. "James…What are you doing?"

"I don't like this any more than you do, but the Head dance is traditional." He snapped with defined irritation and remained solid in his resolve to not meet her eyes.

"Fine." She yanked her arm free of his hold. "Just give me a minute."

He disappeared, accepting her request without a word.

"Bloody hell." Callum sounded dumbfounded. "What did you do to Potter? I've never seen him treat anyone so coldly. Even with the Slytherins at least he's playing pranks on them."

She shrugged glaring in the direction the Head Boy had just gone. "He's an ass… I'm sorry to leave you again, but I'm kind of on probation after the whole catfight with Simmons. Messing with tradition would probably be frowned upon."

"I'm fine, Lily." He assured her. "Go do what you have to… Don't let the Head Boy tire you out though. I'm expecting a few dances myself."

"Everyone please turn your attention to the first official dance." An unidentifiable voice boomed through the room with obvious magical assistance as Lily made her way to the middle of the hall.

She was happy to notice that the Head Boy and Girl were far from the only dancing partners getting ready to waltz. In fact they'd be lucky to be noticed in the sea of ministry officials and famed Aurors that paired off together.

She hadn't predicted having such difficulty relocating James. Usually she had almost a sixth sense awareness of him.

The sixth year couple in front of Lily turned in a new direction and suddenly James stood before her.

She'd been too caught up in analyzing his behavior before to notice how truly handsome he looked tonight. His suit was perfectly tailored and didn't look a bit silly on him like it did on some of the other purebloods. In fact, Lily very much doubted that anyone else- muggle or magical- could look as good as he did at that moment.

"Are you just going to stand there and stare or can we get this over with?" He asked gruffly. Sliding past her to join the others participating, he didn't wait for an answer.

She followed him to an open space amongst the older group. They were the only students partaking and the rest filled in the surrounding tables while others circled the dance floor, watching and waiting for their turn to join.

A slow elegant note of music slinked through the air and all around them couples joined. Lily stared at him expectantly. If he thought she was going to initiate contact after his volatile streak tonight, he was nutters.

Finally he took her hand and despite his unattractive behavior, Lily was ashamed at how her body came alive at the close proximity.

When their eyes had no choice but to meet, Lily's mind went back to the last time they'd embraced in the Great Hall. It filled her with sadness. Couldn't they at least be friends? She understood that betraying Sirius was wrong, but hadn't he grown to like her as a person. Why didn't he want her like she wanted him?

"Callum Palmer, huh?" He shocked her with his first question. His eyes bore relentlessly into her. "Bit of a swot- not really my taste."

"Well, then it's a good thing that he's _my_ date- not yours." Lily shot back meeting his glare evenly. "What's your problem, Potter?"

"Back to surnames so soon?" The cold edge to his voice cut into her.

The uneven circles of their dance steps were proof of their distraction. They'd already nearly run over an elderly couple in their graceless shuffle.

"I wouldn't want to be too personal. It's not like we're _friends_ or anything." Angry disbelief fueled her spiteful words.

All emotion evaporated from his face and the boy who stared at her was the same indifferent one that she'd been dealing with the past week. Nothing could have made her angrier in that moment and she purposefully stomped on his foot as hard as she could before turning on her heel and marching away.

It was nice to join the chaotic swarm of students this time. She was just one in a hundred- her steaming path directionless, letting different currents of students lead her. Near the back doors a forceful hand grabbed her and she dragged her feet against James, who was towing her out of the Great Hall.

Her demands to be released were ignored down several twisting hallways until the noise of the ball was muffled and surreal.

"You oaf!" She shouted when he finally dropped her arm. Blood rushed back down her limb that his bruising hold had been preventing. "You arrogant asshole! What do you think you're doing? You- You-You great big toerag! You can't just go around kidnapping innoc-."

His mouth smashed into hers with the need of a thousand repressed desires. There was no resisting as he forced her lips to respond. She wouldn't be bullied though, equaling his needy pressure and pulling a handful of his hair harshly. He moaned in pleasure or maybe it was pain. Lily was satisfied with either outcome.

Their bodies hit the wall in a tangled mess. The thin straps of her dress slipped off her shoulders as he rained punishing kisses down her neck and his hands fondled her naked breasts. Her hands shook, trying to handle the delicate buttons of his shirt until she gave up near the bottom and used a little muscle to rip the rest open. Gentle taps echoed through the hall as the buttons scattered in all directions. She didn't waste an inch of the victory, feeling every muscle with greedy hands.

The uncontrolled whine that slipped through her lips when he suddenly ducked out of her exploration surprised even her. It was only momentary and soon he was in front of her again dragging her gown up with him. With teasing misdirection he caressed the exposed skin of her thighs and trembling abdomen. Finally, a single digit slipped into her knickers and then another.

"Take them off." She demanded grasping onto his shoulders so she didn't collapse at the pleasure. He was helpless to decline any of her requests when they were like this. She wondered if it was because he used up all his 'no's' in everyday life.

Snagging the garment down her legs with impressive speed, he returned to his previous action.

"Not on the floor." She fought off the lust to stop him from dropping her knickers on the ground. "Might forget them."

He glanced down at the black fabric questioningly before shoving them in his pocket. Why did he still have on trousers? She worked the buckle with frantic vigor until she could force them off his hips. For just a moment she wrapped her hands around his backside and gave his bum a squeeze. She'd missed his ass. It was a very nice asset.

They worked each other up until throaty moans filled the corridor, threatening to expose them. Lily doubted she could have stopped if Dumbledore himself walked up on them.

And when he plunged into her the first time she might have stopped breathing. With her beautiful dress hiked around her waist and one hand braced on the wall for support, he entered her again and again. It was rough and raw. His thrusts were so hard that she forgot her own name, but there was something undeniably vulnerable about it too.

They finished together and he fell forward, burying his head in her shoulder. For long moments they stayed like that until he pulled away looking broken and distraught.

Horrified at the sudden change, she busied her hands rearranging her dress and smoothing out her hair. He moved away, almost putting the entire width of the hall between them as he fixed his clothes. She couldn't resist sneaking a peak at him as she struggled to lace her heels back into place.

His face was twisted with disgust. The pain that ripped into her side was like someone stabbed her. He was repulsed by her.

"I don't see how you can do _that_- feel _that_-." Her bitter voice sliced through the silence with vengeance. "And still hate me."

His rage was sudden, moving back to her in a flash. A solid fist smashed into the wall beside her head and it was a miracle his bones didn't crumble from the force. Warm breath hit her face he stood so close, and she could see the hurricane that stormed in his hazel eyes. "Don't you get it?"

Taken aback, Lily froze, unable to reply to the words he'd just shouted at her.

"I don't hate you." He spat bracing tense arms on either side of her frightened face. As scary as the outward display of fury was, Lily could see something much more terrifying lurking beyond the surface. "I hate myself!"

"Why?" Her voice trembled.

"Because I love you." His wrath overcame him as unthinkable truths poured from his lips. "You're so blind! I've been trying not to love you since I was eleven years old- maybe longer than that. Maybe I was born with the inexplicable affliction to be in love you."

An ugly laugh broke out of his lips before he continued. "I had been doing so well too. You just had to go and fall asleep in the common room. I tried to ignore you and slip up to my dorm- I should have- but the longer I stood there the angrier I got. Not just at you for losing yourself, but at myself too… When I called you pathetic that night it was my own weakness that fueled me. I'm the one that's pathetic and you are the one who made me this way."

"It's like some awful curse or addiction. Can you believe I actually convinced myself that I was getting you out of my system at first? That night on the Quidditch pitch was the best nightmare I've ever had…I just- I can't control myself with you! Even after everything I was still sure that I could be stronger- that I could do better. My feelings for you make me this stupid, selfish, awful person who would betray his best friend…"

His spiraling tone was barely a whimper as he finished. "I never meant for any of this to happen- Merlin yes, I wanted it- but it shouldn't have… It's wrong."

"We're wrong." He stared at her with sadness and pity for a moment longer before leaving her alone. His direction steered opposite the Great Hall.

Her thoughts were a chaotic jumble of disorder, crashing again and again like the ocean's relentless waves. She couldn't make one clear, defined thought.

A strange burst of applause tore through the Great Hall, loud even from a distance. Joyous shouts joined in, and it wasn't so much curiosity that led her back to the hall as it was the feeling that she was _supposed_ to be inquisitive.

Focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, she made her way back slowly. The numb curtain that dimmed her senses made it feel like she was looking at the world from underwater. The booming raucous stayed constant though, and she reentered the festive hall confused.

It wasn't beautiful anymore. The decorations looked fake like someone who didn't understand Christmas at all had picked them out. A cloud of students blocked her view from the excitement, and the noise was starting to sound like buzzing in her ears.

"Once again I am thrilled to announce the return-." Someone's voice sent the students into another tizzy.

The words didn't register though until the crowd shifted restlessly, giving her a clear view of the front of the room.

It was like the plug had been pulled on the water that dulled her surroundings as Baker's familiar face filled up her vision with dazzling color. He was standing with a whole group of men and woman who must have made up the White Cloaks.

His smiling eyes were darting eagerly from face to face and it didn't take long for his eyes to meet hers across the room. For one brilliant moment his expression lit up and it was like a shot of sunshine right to her heart. Just as suddenly though, he took in the rest of her appearance and his jaw set with determination.

Without faltering his gaze, he cut out of the line and headed straight through the crowd. Curious students stepped out of his way creating a clear path until he was only a few steps away.

She launched her body at him, squeezing him as hard as she could. Resting her cheek on his shoulder, she made a noise that was half sob half laugh. He held onto her too- her feet barely clearing the ground in his taller embrace. His deep voice murmuring softly was music to her ears. "Let's get out of here and then you can tell me what's wrong."

She laughed, pulling back to look at his face. How did he always know? Sometimes it felt like Baker was made for her. The full weight of realizing that she might have never gotten to see him again finally washed over her and her legs shook dangerously after he'd set her down.

"This better have at least a little to do with my disappearance." His scar wrinkled as he joked.

Wrapping a supportive arm around her waist, an audience watched them leave quietly. The Auror and Head Girl never noticed, surrounded by a bubble that was only big enough for the two of them.

"Where are we going?" She asked tucking her head into his warm chest when they were alone.

"Home." His arms squeezed her tighter like he could protect her from whatever unknown source caused her pain.

A single hot tear fled down her face. She didn't have a home- no parents, no safe place, no unconditional love. "Where is that?"

He stared down at her, quirking his mouth into her favorite smile. "It's with me, Whiskey."

Lily didn't think anything had ever sounded so lovely.

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**Author:** _I love my reviewers. You guys are truly the greatest. I can't even say how much you all help with this labor of love. _

_So things took a bit of a turn. Lily isn't the only one who has some issues to work through. I think James is due is own time to work through some things. It isn't like Lily is ready yet either though. They'll find their way._

_I swear not to drag out them "getting together" just for the sake of angst… But they've both still got a lot of 'stuff.' If I write it properly you should enjoy the journey just as much as the destination. _

_The thing I love about Love and Other Tragedies is that beyond just Lily and James getting together, there is a whole lot of story left to tell. I always hate stories that end right when they get together. I think the story after they both sort out their issues is just as important to explore. It's like the final test. _

Things to possibly keep in mind if you'd like to review:

ONE. Lily's decision to go to the ball with Callum

TWO. Lily and James' opposing reactions to the end of the affair

THREE. Professor Crouch

FOUR. Baker's return

FIVE. Lily's realization about Piper

SIX. Evie is Luna's mother! The mystery bloke has been Xenophilius Lovegood all along.

SEVEN. The angry sex

EIGHT. Do you have any expectations for Lily's holiday with Baker?

NINE. James' confession/behavior at the ball

_**I'll be adding new "Behind the Scenes." I'll go through the clues that Evie is Luna's mother, and make all the cannon connections you might have missed. **_


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. I'm not making any money.

**Previously:**

James used the big "L" word, but didn't exactly bring about the warm fuzzies with Lily considering he yelled it at her and she has barely even come to terms with being his friend.

Honor Simmons has elected Lily as her personal nemesis and seems to believe that Lily is trying to ruin her life. Even now that she's dating her longtime crush and Lily's ex boyfriend, Sirius Black, she still refuses to let the one sided rivalry go.

Baker (aka Harland Simmons, Honor's older brother) came back from the dead at exactly the right time, whisking Lily away from Hogwarts for holiday. Baker had been awarded The Ring of Honor for his brave act in the war, and promoted to the elite Auror division, the White Cloaks. Thanks to his good looks and charm the Ministry of Magic branded him the face of the war against Voldemort. In one of Baker's letter's he mentioned a fellow Auror, Claribell Begum, who he thought Lily would like for her love of teasing him.

Snape and Lily's disintegrating connection took another hit when Snape walked in on Lily having relations with James, though he could only see Lily topless and not James hidden underneath his Invisibility cloak. Lily knows Snape is under the impression it was Callum with her and Snape put the Ravenclaw in the hospital as retribution.

Lily visited the Simmons' household during the summer when Honor threw a party while her parents were out of town. Lily and James talked for the first time about his outburst and calling her pathetic.

Harvey, Lily's Knut sized turtle, is sick and unhappy.

When Lily first met Harland at The Leaky Cauldron, he refused to give her his name so with a little help from a drunk patron he became Baker. His return nickname, Whiskey, came from Lily's preference for the muggle liquor.

Emmeline Vance and Marley McKinnon are Honor's best mates.

Lily got a letter from Petunia saying she and Vernon had moved back to London.

Piper Prescott gave Lily her friendship and also a two-way mirror.

Alledora Crouch (Professor Crouch) teaches DADA and has forced Lily's suspicions by acting strangely, sneaking around in the middle of the night, and having an intensely personal conversation with Luka MacMillan who Marley told Lily is mixed up with Death Eaters like his whole Pureblood family.

**Chapter Twelve**

**The Most Wonderful**

Unfamiliar sounds woke Lily early the next morning. The sweet clang of metal, a chair screeching across the floor, deep rumbling voices muffled by distance. But it wasn't until the mouth watering smell of bacon wafted into her nose that she allowed sleep to fully leave her.

Opening her eyes she assessed the soft blue walls and messy disarray that covered every available surface. She was pretty sure there was a chair covered in robes in the corner and possibly a small desk under mountains of scattered knickknacks on the other side of the bed. The only other thing free of debris besides the bed was a simple fireplace at the head of the room. The space beside her was currently empty, but as she moved her hand along the warm fabric she was sure it hadn't been abandoned for long.

They'd arrived in the wee hours of the morning flooing directly into Baker's room from Hogsmeade.

Lily had collected the minimal amount of possessions required, dumping everything else out of her heavy trunk, and kissed the glass of Harvey's aquarium goodbye. Mr. Price had been clear that any new environment would only cause the miniature turtle stress, and Lily had charged two friendly house elfs with taking care of Harvey. They'd assured her that if anything went wrong one of them would find her immediately.

Some alone time would probably be best for her sick pet anyways. She looked forward to seeing his emerald shell shining and happy waddle on return to the castle.

A satisfying stretch elongated her body and after sitting up in bed, she tried to flatten her wild auburn hair. It hadn't taken Baker any time at all to complain that she'd gone back to her normal hairstyle opposed to the dark straight locks he preferred. It was all in good fun though.

Their whole night had been fun. Falling back into the easy banter had taken no effort at all, and even though they'd both made several attempts to address more serious subjects their giddiness of being reunited always won out. There was plenty of time for serious later.

A sudden cloud of ash and emerald flames from the fireplace startled Lily.

She didn't even have time to grab for her wand in defense when a woman stepped into Baker's room and met Lily's eyes. The Head Girl gathered up blankets around her undressed form. She'd gone to sleep wearing an old shirt of Baker's, but she wasn't accustomed to the heat he radiated in his slumber and she'd struggled out of her nightclothes at some point, sweating.

Finally, the woman sighed, disgruntled. She tucked a strand of light brown hair behind her ear and grumbled. "Well, you're completely gorgeous."

"Er…thank you?" Lily didn't quite know how to return the would-be compliment. "Are you a friend of Ba- I mean Harland?"

"It figures the best mate he's always talking about would be a ruddy supermodel." Her creamy brown eyes continued to study Lily as her senseless rant poured on. "And you're still at Hogwarts! I don't think I even knew a proper blemish spell when I graduated…Oh, the injustice."

It didn't seem like the stranger was going to personally acknowledge her, so she took her time giving her a once over.

Lily had never been good with identifying ages, but it was safe to say the girl's fresh face was somewhere around Baker's age. Her light brown hair and eyes were both wild and blunt, giving her a very enduring quality. She was very natural without even the slightest hint of makeup, and her attire was all loose fitting and neutral.

"I'm Claribell Begum." She suddenly snapped out of whatever interior dilemma bothered her. "Sorry about that… You surprised me."

Lily smiled cautiously. "I'm Lily Evans. I think Harland went to tell his parents that he invited me to stay over Christmas. I'm sure he'll be back in a minute."

The Auror in question opened the door then, saving Lily from having to wait alone with Claribell Begum. He glanced at her quickly, with no surprise to find her standing in his bedroom. "You meet Whiskey, Begum?"

Both girls stared at him, nodding. Oblivious, he hurried across the room to Lily's side and hoisted her out of bed, grinning the whole time. "Hurry up! It snowed last night!... Oh and Mum and Dad want to meet you."

Lily glared at him. Of course, he wouldn't think a thing about exposing her in her knickers and bra. He held her firmly when she made a dash for the cover of the bed and she cut her eyes pointedly to the third person in the room.

"Begum is an Auror with me… Bit questionable how she got in if you ask me." His mocking tone was lowered in fake insult. "But she's alright once you get passed the spastic outbursts."

Claribell laughed genuinely, surprising Lily. "I'd rather be spastic and get to actually do some good than have my pretty face be the most useful thing about me."

His boisterous laughter filled up the room, but his eager attention had already slipped back partially to Lily. His nose wrinkled as if she smelled sour. "The loo's across the hall. You need a bath and for goodness sake- put on some clothes... Were you raised in a barn? You can't just meet someone's mum and dad in your knickers… Leave me and Begum to discuss some adult business."

She fought a smile at his faux admonishment and stomped on his foot as she marched passed him to grab a robe from her trunk. It was impossible not to be effected by his happiness.

She even giggled when Claribell mumbled under her breath as Lily passed. "A bloody knicker model."

When she reentered the room fresh from a lengthy shower, it was empty.

It was pretty obvious that Ms. Claribell Begum had a lot more on her mind than friendship with Baker. Lily tested her emotions at the thought.

There was an itch of distaste, but it felt more like possessiveness than jealousy. Baker deserved to be happy. Nothing would please her more. She just didn't want anyone taking him away from her. It might have been silly, but she couldn't help how she felt.

She made a mental note to feel the situation out from Baker's end later.

An incessant knocking interrupted Lily's dressing process and she grabbed her favorite trousers quickly, trying to shimmy them up her hips. "One minute."

Baker had to be the most impatient person she had ever met and she glared at the door as his tapping continued. She kept slipping on his mess though and she had to lie across the bed and lift her hips to finish easing on her pants. "Fine, come in! It's not like it's something you haven't seen before."

"You've got that right." Sirius spoke taking in her stunned position, clad only in trousers and lace bra. He was fully dressed on the other hand and looked handsome enough to be starring in an advertisement for hot chocolate or something else warm and Christmas related. "I'll admit this is a bit friendlier than I was expecting."

How did this always happen to her! The universe must absolutely love messing with her because she couldn't count the number of times she'd been exposed to someone in the past year. It was really truly unfair. At least she had on pants this time.

He tossed her the shirt laid across her trunk and she slipped it on without comment. Her flaming face was enough to let him know she hadn't done it on purpose. "What are you doing here?"

He raised his eyebrows like she was absurd. "I'm spending holiday with my girlfriend… Everyone saw you leave with Honor's brother last night and I just wanted to make sure it wasn't going to be awkward with us both staying here… I can always go to the Potter's."

"No." She exclaimed with a little more vigor than necessary, but she had to fight off a startled gasp at the Head Boy's surname. Calming down, she continued in a more appropriate voice. "We're both adults. I don't see why we can't handle this in a mature way."

He nodded, tucking a black strand of hair behind his ear. An unsure moment passed and he remained in the doorway. His face was serious and eyes undecided like there was something else he wanted to say. "Honor and Harland are outside. It snowed."

She nodded uncertain of how to reply and sure that his statement wasn't what he initially planned.

Her ex-boyfriend left without another word.

Lily really shouldn't have been surprised. After all, hadn't she already decided that the universe had developed some perverse love of messing with her? Of course, Sirius would be spending the holiday with Honor. Lily's pure joy of being with her best mate again had completely disguised any unsightly issues with the plan of her going home with Baker. To be honest, she hadn't even thought about Honor being there which was ridiculous considering it was _her _home.

An hour later, Lily joined the others' snowball fight and found that Honor's best mates Emmeline Vance and Marley McKinnon were present as well. She got a big kick out of watching Emmeline and Marley blush and flirt with Baker, who soaked up the fawning attention like a sponge.

"You must be really brave to escape from Death Eaters." Marley fluttered her eyelashes uncharacteristically during a break from the snow.

A booming fire warmed their toes and cold hands wrapped around mugs of hot chocolate in the Simmons' living room. Harland and Honor's parents had made prior plans to attend a Christmas festival and Lily had missed meeting them altogether.

Baker puffed his chest up, and Lily had to hide her giggling mouth behind the purple mug that steamed soothingly. "We got away from the Death Eaters almost instantly, but they'd taken our wands so the real problem was fighting our way out of an unknown hostile environment."

Emmeline leaned into the Auror sandwiched between her and Marley. Her hazel eyes were lit with awe. "Without a wand? You mean you had to survive… like a muggle?"

A squeaking giggle slipped past her control and the three of them along with Sirius and Honor, who sat on the other loveseat, looked at Lily in her oversized chair. "You're telling me that an entire squad of highly trained Aurors were lost for over a month just because you didn't have wands?"

The others looked aghast at her lack of tact at the sensitive subject, but Baker just smirked, sliding off the couch and walking over to her. "Not an entire month. We came stumbling out of the forest and realized we had never even left Great Britain. An entire group of Aurors wandered around in circles for almost three weeks, not even fifty miles from home…Then we spent two weeks getting debriefed by the ministry."

They both howled with laughter as he nudged her over and she was forced to make room for him in her chair. He threw an arm over her long legs that draped across his lap.

When they recovered, the others looked sour. Emmeline and Marley because they didn't have Baker's attention and Honor looked disgusted by their chumminess.

This was why they were perfect for each other. Other people just didn't 'get' them.

Emmeline and Marley left before dark, and an Owl arrived after sunset to inform them that the Simmons' parents would be attending a holiday party until late and that they should fend for themselves for dinner. Sirius and Honor disappeared after they made sandwiches, leaving Lily and Baker to make their own dinner.

As a mature twenty-four year old man, Baker wanted cookies, but it wasn't like Lily was a chef either so they compromised by adding peanut butter and tall glasses of milk for protein. They were silent filling their mouths with the warm chocolate cookies that hadn't cooked all the way through and were gooey on their tongues.

Baker's empty glass hit the table with a thump and he looked at her over the table with serious eyes. Her wide eyes tried to convey her confusion at his change, but milky chocolate filled her mouth and prevented her from speech.

"Stop." He said simply.

She stopped chewing.

"Stop getting that faraway look in your eyes in perfectly happy moments." She wasn't used to his scolding tone.

After gulping down half her drink, she stared at him with childlike innocence. "I'm sorry."

"Talk." He was holding onto his serious façade for a record time.

She didn't dare play dumb. He meant business. "Can we go somewhere private?"

He indulged her request after cleaning away their mess. They sat facing each other, surrounded by the chaos of his room on the floor in front of the blazing fireplace. He'd even used his replacement wand to ward off the room from eavesdroppers.

"Talk." He repeated when they were settled.

She took a deep breath. "Just give me a minute…This is hard. You have no idea how much effort I've put into not telling anyone. It's like I'm having to fight against my own barriers."

"Well, that means it's even more important to say out loud." Baker informed her sensibly.

So she did. She started from the beginning and the more she talked the easier it got. Her words poured out and soon she was saying things she didn't even know she felt. With every truth that she liberated, her heart grew lighter.

"He told me he loved me." She watched the curling flames in the fire, her voice nothing more than a whisper. "He said it was wrong."

"You had sex in the Great Hall?" His jaw dropped from impressed shock.

"Baker!" She scolded trying to keep him on track. "…I think I broke him. His face was so hopeless… I just don't know why he thinks he's in love with me. I didn't even think he _liked_ me!"

"You were having sex with him and you weren't sure that he liked you?"

"It wasn't like that!" She defended. The way he said it made her feel dirty. It made their affair seem sullied and it wasn't. Nothing about the times she spent with James ever felt wrong. To suggest otherwise made her angry. "I shouldn't have said anything to you at all!"

"Why not?" He demanded with fiery eyes. "Because I'm making you face all the things that you're hiding from?… You're a lot of things, Whiskey, but I've never known you to be a coward."

His words hit her like a slap in the face. She didn't move, stunned by the lash.

"Yes." She uttered not believing her own words. His words hurt, but only because they were true.

"Well, that proves you're not a coward at all then. A real coward would never be able to admit it to themselves." He leaned forward to tuck a wild curl behind her ear affectionately. His soft tone was completely different than the edge that cut into her before.

"I've made a real mess of things." She sighed.

"Yes, but you did it a long time ago… This isn't that kind of mess. This is doing the right things in the wrong situations." His hand found hers and gripped tightly. "Sometimes to clean up the messes we've made things have to get worse before they can get better."

"That's it?" She searched his face pitifully. "You're not going to tell me what to do about James?"

"Maybe, one day." He told her with a smug glint in his eye. "It'd be completely worthless while you're still lying to yourself."

"So your advice is to be truthful with myself and face my problems head on?" She hoped her face portrayed her true level of disbelief. "That's so impersonal. I could read that on a fortune cook for Merlin's sake!"

"Isn't it funny how meaningless words of wisdom you've heard all your life can suddenly click into perspective? There's a reason people repeat them again and again. It's because they're true." He nudged her nose with his thumb with an amused smile.

"You're worthless." She complained shaking off his touch and climbing into bed.

"You love me." He joked following her lead and extinguishing all of the light except the fire that kept them warm.

She yawned and then rolled onto her side to face him. Her voice was serious. "I do love you."

"Even after I was mean to you?" He asked softly mimicking her position until they stared eye to eye. It was his way of apologizing.

"Especially after you were mean to me." Her voice was matter-of-fact. "Sometimes I think of you as my stronger half. You take a step forward when I can't… Do you love me even though you're always having to push me forward?"

"I love you enough to never stop." She could only see half his grin with one side mashed into a pillow.

As they fell asleep, Lily was sad for all the people in the world who didn't have a Baker. He was the kind of friend that we all deserve, but rarely find.

His parents were already gone to work when they woke up the next morning, but there was a note about family dinner that night left on the table.

"I'd Owl Begum and invite her if she wasn't on duty tonight… It's always hilarious trying to watch her try and present herself as a normal human being." He snorted through a mouthful of eggs at breakfast.

"What's her deal, anyways?" Lily asked wiping her face after a dainty sip of orange juice. She recalled the blundering female Auror in her mind.

"She's a rookie." He explained like it was the answer to her question.

She made an unsatisfied face.

"It's not romantic if that's what you are implying. I just think she's funny in an unintentional way. Plus, she doesn't put up with my shit which always endures me to someone- as you well know." Baker shrugged off the inquiry, and then changed the subject. "What do you want to do today?"

With dread Lily answered him. It wasn't something she wanted to do, but instead a necessary evil.

They headed into the overcrowded streets of Diagon Alley, fighting wave after of holiday shoppers until they'd completed both of their lists.

She'd purchased one gift on a whim. It was inexpensive and appropriate, but what made it impossible to resist was thinking about the huge smile it would put on Sirius' face. He would love it. She'd just have to find a way to discreetly slip it to him without drawing Honor's attention.

When they finally made it back to the house exhausted, the air was filled with the delicious scent of comfort food and Lily's stomach growled the whole time she freshened up. It was important to make a good impression on the Simmons though. Hopefully, they weren't completely poisoned by Honor.

Baker was already in the kitchen and Lily stopped, unnoticed for a moment to take in the entire Simmons family together.

It was clear that Asher Simmons came from a line with strong genes as both of his children heavily favored him. He had the structured sort of face that belonged on the strongest of men with raging testosterone like he should have been a lumberjack or fireman. Asher was undeniable handsome and not a bit pretty.

His wife, May Simmons, had light blond hair that didn't often come naturally, but Lily had no inclination if hers had been colored. She held her face with wide eager eyes that's shape and murky green color instantly reminded her of Baker's. Honor had the same eyes, but they weren't half as lovely as her brother or mother's.

The entire Simmons' brood was tangled in the kitchen, each doing their part to prepare a good meal while Sirius watched from the small kitchen table.

The tableaux burned into her memory. Never again would she be able to think of family without summoning up the mental image of the happy Simmons' clan.

"There you are!" Baker spotted her and rushed over to drag her in by force. "Mum, Dad, this is the girl that has been sinfully shacking up in my bedroom."

Lily dug her fingernails into the hand her supposed best mate held at her side. Her face was the exact color of the tomato Honor was hacking away at. "Please call me Lily… Thank you so much for allowing me to join your Christmas holiday. It's a real pleasure to meet you."

May rushed around the island and suffocated the guest in a tight hug. "We're happy to have you, Lily."

"It's a relief to know our son hasn't completely gone off the deep end. We were starting to believe the mysterious Whiskey was a figment of his imagination." Asher's laugh sounded like a deeper version of Baker's and it instantly brought an easy smile to her face.

"Lily, why don't you help Sirius set the table in the dining room while we put the finishing touches on dinner." May said handing the guests silverware and napkins.

How did Honor come from these people? As they did as they were told, Lily pondered the possibility of adoption. It was very hard to believe that such a loving, safe environment could create the envy and hate that Honor possessed. The physical similarities were pretty difficult to dispute though.

"Are you a prefect at school like Honor?" Asher asked conversationally once they were all settled comfortably around the dining room table. Lily remembered that he was a muggle and was probably really interested in the way things worked at a wizarding school. It still fascinated her sometimes.

"I was the Gryffindor prefect." Lily smiled indulgently, but kept a careful eye on Honor who gripped her fork and glared at her plate.

"Was?" A twinkling laugh floated from May as she cut her steak into small squares. "Did you do something naughty and get dismissed? I don't remember that ever happening while I was at Hogwarts."

Honor's sharp knife screeched against the glass plate, reminding Lily just how badly she'd wanted the position that Lily reluctantly took. "I was made Head Girl."

Immediately the Simmons' eyes glued to their daughter in realization. It was clear the sore subject reached into Honor's home life as well.

Baker was either oblivious of the situation or found too much humor to let it slide as he laughed. "You would have thought that Death Eaters were torturing Honor the day Hogwarts' letters came, and she realized that she hadn't been made Head Girl. You've always been prone to hissy fits, haven't you little sis? But this was in a class of its own! Did you ever fix that mirror you broke?"

The table jerked and Baker exclaimed before Lily could question it. "Ow, Mum! You kicked me!"

May cleared her throat and slapped on a cheerful smile as she changed the subject. "Sirius we were so thrilled to hear that you would be joining us! Is the guest bedroom suitable?"

"It's fine, Mum." Honor answered for him. Her face was still flushed with anger from Baker's words. "Don't you think it's a bit hypocritical to make Sirius sleep down the hall while Lily and Harland are doing Merlin knows what in his room every night?"

"Honor." Asher's deep voice was practiced in his impatient scold. It sounded like he had years of experience reprimanding his daughter. "Lily and Harland are both of-age, and Sirius is your boyfriend."

Honor's green irises almost looked brown as she rolled her eyes, but kept her mouth shut.

"Lily, tell us about your life at Hogwarts." May requested with an eager friendly face. She gave a conspiratorial wink. "Do you have a boyfriend or is this oaf the only bloke in your life?"

"She just broke up with her boyfriend actually." Baker looked thrilled at the turn of the conversation and cast a furtive look at Sirius, who had gone pale.

"Oh no!" Harland's mother responded appropriately. "Well, he's an idiot to let you slip away."

Baker was practically rocking in his seat to keep from bursting into laughter. Sirius looked uncomfortable and Lily didn't dare check Honor's reaction.

"I think he moved on pretty fast." Her handsome Auror's smile looked like it was about to rip his face in two.

May, oblivious to the undercurrent of the conversation, laid a sympathetic hand on Lily's shoulder and smiled encouragingly. "No self respecting girl would ever accept a man on the rebound."

Honor reached her breaking point, shoving away from the table and stomped out, but not before she flung a hand full of mashed potatoes in her brother's face.

Baker barely missed a beat before turning to Sirius with a sincerely apologetic expression. "Sorry mate."

Sirius shrugged, but eyed Honor's parents stiffly.

The Simmons' were perplexed as their son excused himself to clean up. Lily and Sirius avoided meeting eyes across the table. She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

"Did I say something wrong?" May finally asked, searching their faces for what she was missing.

Sirius spoke after a long uncomfortable silence. "Harland was playing a joke… Lily and I used to date."

"Oh." Asher looked uneasy at the teenage drama.

"It seems it was the type of joke only Harland finds amusing." The Simmons' matriarch was thin lipped, but her eyes remained friendly and wide.

"I'll go check on Honor." Sirius told them, darting from the room.

Lily was left with the two adults, but it wouldn't be polite to excuse herself now that everyone else had made their escapes.

She was shocked when they both erupted in laughter. It took her a minute to realize they were laughing at the situation and she joined in.

"I should know better than to take an interest in my children's lives." Harland's mother continued to chuckle even as she began cleaning the table.

Lily stood to assist her as Asher added. "Let's make a pact not to speak to them again until their thirty."

The three of them made quick work of the dishes and Asher left them to magically float the plates back into their spots

"Do you have any siblings?" May asked.

"A sister- Petunia." She let her mind drift over the way Petunia had looked the last time she'd seen her. Her over-the-top wedding gown and heavy makeup weren't Lily's style at all, but her sister had looked beautiful like every bride had a right to on their special day. "She doesn't care for me much."

"The great thing about siblings-." Her smile was kind and she wrapped a gentle arm around the younger girl's shoulder. "Is that they don't have to like you to love you. Harland and Honor are the same way. One day they'll figure it out though… Blood is blood, and whether you want to or not you'll always love one another. She might hate every minute of it, but if you needed her she'd be there."

After they'd finished, May gave her a motherly hug that Lily tried to soak into every pore. It had been so long since anyone had hugged her like that.

"You are an asshole." Lily told Baker, flopping down on his bed beside him. A smudge of mash potato on his collar was the only remnant of the early dispute.

"It was funny. Did you see Honor's face? You know she deserved it." He defended petulantly. Tightly wound muscles wrapped down his arms and Lily fought a pull from down below. She'd gone from having sex on a pretty regular basis to not at all, and her body was having an adverse reaction. "I love my little sister, but she's the kind of person that needs to be knocked off her high horse…and often. Plus, she has absolutely no sense of humor."

"Yeah, well next time you decide to take someone down a peg can you make sure that I don't get caught in the crossfire?" She crossed her arms over her chest.

"Friendly fire?" He smiled at her hopefully, trying to make nice. With comfortable ease, his right hand brushed a wild curl behind her ear.

Something gold gleamed in the firelight and she caught his hand, maneuvering it so she could inspect the ring more closely. It was a band of thick gold that shone even brighter in the red hue that filled up the room. Using delicate fingers, she spun the new piece of jewelry around his tough skin. Thin barely visible writing etched into the ring caught the light from the flames.

It read- _Honor Loyalty Courage Hope_

"The Ring of Honor." His eyes followed her movements carefully. "They gave it to me after I saved this muggle family. It was just about the only useful thing I've done since the war started."

"I can't believe you actually wear it." She still hadn't released his hand and the gold was surprisingly cool to the touch. "You might talk a big game, but you're irritatingly modest about the things that really matter…like being a hero."

"Well, it's kind of big deal and not wearing it would be a surefire way to offend my new unit. It was the first time it had been awarded since Grindelwald was around." He defended, tugging his hand back self-consciously, but Lily held strong. "Plus, the little girl I saved was a firecracker… Her hair was red- only a tad bit lighter than yours- and she never cried- not once. I stayed with her while the Healers were fixing up her mum and dad and she just stood there with her hands on her hips looking mad as hell."

"Was her family alright?" Lily interjected concerned.

"Nothing the Healers couldn't repair." He answered still staring ahead with a faraway look. "I thought she must be in shock or traumatized. For Merlin's sake she was just a tiny five year old who had been attacked by Death Eaters! I tried to pick her up and she kicked me as hard as she could."

They both laughed at the mental image of a pigtailed child taking on a war hardened Auror.

"I told her that I was a good guy and that I was there to help… I'll never forget the way she looked up at me when spoke. 'We really could have used your help before our house got burned down.' She said with this squeaky matter-of-fact voice. When I apologized for our lack of punctuality, she stomped her foot and said-. 'They're the ones that are gunna be sorry when I get them by the ear like Mum does to me! They are in big trouble'." 

"She sounds like your kind of lady." Lily remarked, smiling at the little girl's gumption.

"We had to erase their memories of the incident, of course." His eyes focused on the gold band that wrap around his finger. "But now whenever I see the ring, I think about how I'll remember for the both of us, and maybe I'll get there before something terrible has happened next time. I can hunt down the Death Eaters and do my part to protect that little girl and all the other innocents like her."

It was as if the ring transformed in front of her eyes as he spoke. There was something much more important about it now. She raised his knuckle up and placed her lips against the gold in a fleeting kiss.

"It also reminds the pretty witches that I'm a big hero." He stated with a smirk.

She snorted unattractively. He just had to go and ruin the moment. Rolling away from him, she curled up into her normal sleeping position.

The next five days leading up to Christmas were everything holiday was supposed to be. It had been a long time- if ever- that she'd been around such a family environment.

Everything about the Simmons screamed family. It would have been annoying if she hadn't been completely enveloped by the warmth of it all.

They had stupid inside jokes and silly stories and a million of other things that they took for granted. That's how happy people worked though. It was hard to appreciate anything until it had been taken away from you, so Lily couldn't blame them for their ignorance.

If anything she envied them.

Their picturesque house was filled to the brim with photographic evidence of just how happy they were. Silly snapshots opposed formal family portraits with a healthy mixture of muggle and magical photos. Honor even had an entire stairway dedicated to her accomplishments.

The pictures, certificates, and diplomas progressed up the stairs as if she was aging with every step upward. Honor been top of her class during all her muggle schooling, and other awards boasted her impressive resume leading up to her eleventh year of life. Her Hogwarts' letter was framed just like everything else, but after that there were only annual pictures to document her growth and three other letters with Hogwarts' crests.

She'd kept the evidence of her prefect position from fifth and sixth years. Lily could only speculate what became of the letter that informed the Ravenclaw she hadn't been selected as Head Girl.

The single other framed memento was familiar to Lily. She'd received six nearly identical letters after every school year informing her that she'd received the highest marks of any female and was at the top of her year. The one exception had been fifth year when Lily's parents had died, and she had tied for top spot.

Honor had the matching letter from fifth year.

She'd framed hers and Lily barely even remembered receiving her own. She didn't even recall feeling particularly pleased with any of the notices. They were probably collecting dust in the bottom of her trunk or thoughtlessly disposed of in a bin somewhere.

"Impressive, isn't it?" Baker caught her staring at the shrine to the Simmons' only daughter.

She'd actually been thinking the opposite. The wall filled her with pity. All the things Honor coveted were accomplishments Lily shrugged off, and the family Lily desperately wanted, Honor took for granted.

The grass is always greener.

"She was quite the overachieving child." Lily's diplomatic answer carried its weight with intrigue as well.

"Yep, she was always little miss popular with an entourage of minions set on torturing the teenage brother. Her teachers adored her too. I thought I was excited about Hogwarts, but when Honor's letter came she nearly exploded… She was insufferable, prancing about the house and bragging about all the new friends she was going to make." He chuckled thinking back to the little girl his sister had been.

Lily raised an eyebrow. "You sound a bit bitter there, Mr. Maturity."

"Fifteen was an awkward time for me. I didn't really hit my blooming stride until sixth year. There was definitely an edge of jealousy to our relationship." He admitted with a shrug. "Up to that point I'd been this scrawny swot with bad skin, and everything always came so easy to Honor. It was the greatest injustice of my teenage life."

Lily laughed appreciating his honesty. It was hard to imagine Baker being anything other than mouthwateringly attractive though. "So what happened? What changed in Honor?"

His green eyes stared at her as if to say 'Are you sure you want to hear this?'. He spoke when she nodded encouragingly. "She'd grown up with the ease of attention that some people flourish in. She was a big fish in a little pond… Hogwarts brought out the worst in Honor."

"Funny." The redheaded commented thoughtfully. "I like to believe it brought out the best in me."

"Don't you think that could have been part of the problem?" Baker pointed out, tapping her on the nose lovingly. "She was instantly threatened by you, and she's spent the last seven years with the attitude that anything you accomplish is something you took away from her."

"That's ridiculous." She answered immediately.

Baker sighed with mock sadness. "We'll save this in the category of things you're lying to yourself about."

Before Lily knew it, Christmas morning had arrived and the Simmons' house was alive with activity. Friends and family circulated throughout the day, but they took a break for lunch and exchanged presents.

She loved the pretty jumper Asher and May gave her, and there was even a small package of sweets (she ignored their expiration date) from Petunia.

"It's a two-way mirror!" Lily burst out as Baker studied his half of the mirror. It felt like cheating since she hadn't had to buy him anything, but it was a fabulous present nonetheless. "I know you can't take it on all your missions, but still we'll be able to talk a lot more."

After they played and experimented with the mirrors for a while, he handed her a pouch and sat back to study her face as she opened his present.

"Er- thanks! It's really…" She didn't dare look at him because her face would surely expose her confusion.

Inside the pouch was a simple leather bracelet of dark brown. It was very manly, but he was always trying to get her to step outside the box so maybe this was his latest attempt.

His body shook with laughter at her ill disguised reaction, and he snatched the jewelry out of her fingers. "Well, I hope you didn't expect me to flounce about in something feminine."

"You got me a present for you to wear?" Her deadpan response matched her seriously not amused face.

Baker was nonplussed by her reaction, fastening the bracelet and then staring at her with an odd type of concentration.

Suddenly, strange warmth filled up her chest. It was like a less extreme version of being so happy that you cried.

"What was that?" She gasped at the emotion that wasn't her own.

"Whenever I wear this and think of you at the exact same time you are thinking of me, you'll know it." He explained with giddiness. "It'll help to remind you that I'm out there somewhere, and I'm always on your side."

"You-" She exclaimed feeling the happy/cry sensation again, but this time under her own violation. "-are a big softie!"

"You've got a surprise waiting for you at Hogwarts too." He ignored her previous comment and added grumpily. "You're going to be spoiled."

"I completely consent to you ruining me if you do it by way of presents." She gave him a cheeky grin.

Sirius and Honor had been exchanging gifts quietly in the other corner of the living room, but Honor caught Lily's eye as she excitedly fled the room clutching an expensive looking jumper. This might be the only chance she got to give Sirius the little present she'd purchased earlier in Diagon Alley.

Swiftly, she moved across the room as Baker fiddled with his other gifts. A small wooden box was held securely by both her hands.

"Happy Christmas." She told him with a warm smile.

Even though they'd spent all of holiday together the only time they had ever been alone was on the first day when he'd come to talk with her. Being in such close quarters with her ex boyfriend had been surprisingly unsettling. Now that she understood her feelings for Sirius, it was easier to accept the love she still felt for him. Without the need to fight with complicated emotions, the full blow of really missing him could set in.

And miss him she did.

She missed the way his face lit up when he surprised her, and how his unique perspective was always shockingly charming. She longed to be swept up in his jumping attention span as she had so often been dragged along for the ride from one rapid subject or activity to the next. He could make anything fun, even the most inane tasks. She couldn't count the times they'd sat down to do school work and finished laughing so hard tears leaked from her emerald eyes. His full booming laughter had the power to make you feel wonderfully included, but more often than not Lily was left alone on the outside looking in these days.

She'd even come to miss his unwavering love of the rain. He could stand in the gloomiest downfall with a smile on his face. It was a perfect personification of his personality. No obstacle was tragic enough to dampen the energy he radiated.

She still loved all of those things. She still loved him too. One of her greatest fears was that she'd ruined things with Sirius to the point that they'd never have the friendship they were meant to.

"I thought you might like this." She thrust the petite box nervously at him.

When he eyed it skeptically she assured him. "It's not a big deal."

After studying her face and the present one more time he took it from her, finding the reassurance he needed.

Flipping the thin lid until it laid flat at the hinges, Sirius' grey eyes peeked inside unnecessarily as the object floated up into the air between them. The miniature cloud was the size of a fist with the growing density of a coming storm. It rose to float over his head and a mist of harmless rain fell down, disappearing before any moisture could saturate his glossy black hair.

To Lily, the room was silent besides the continuation of shuffling gift wrap, but as a huge grin split Sirius' face, she knew he was hearing the gentle lullaby of falling rain and maybe even the far off hum of thunder.

"I sleep best in the rain." His smile verged on real happiness, daring to reach up and shine through his eyes. A look she had been excluded from for a long time.

Trying to squash her overexcitement, she allowed only a simple smile. "And only you can hear it, so it won't disrupt the rest of your dormitory."

A startling crack of breaking glass made them both jump, and Lily instinctively jerked around to identify the cause.

The remnants of a plate and several Christmas cookies lay in a pile at Honor's feet. She wasn't looking at her mess though. With a deep seeded hatred that took years to cultivate, she glared at Lily, and her hands shook as they clenched into fists again and again.

Sirius snapped the box closed and his rain cloud instantly evaporated. Otherwise the room was frozen as they knowingly waited for the explosion.

All Lily could do was wait, feeling very much like she had just been thrust into the ring with an infuriated bull. Unfortunately for Lily just as her red hair would certainly incur the animal's wrath, so did her current proximity to Honor's boyfriend.

"Can't you just let me have _anything_?" Her voice was calm, but ominous. It didn't betray the deadly current that ripped under the calm ocean surface.

Instead of being frightened something unpleasant and burning began to build within Lily. A part of her cackled in delight and not only welcomed the oncoming storm, but craved it. "It was a present, Simmons. Are you really so petty that me giving a gift angers you?"

"I wonder if you have ever stopped thinking about yourself even for one bloody minute in your whole life." When Honor spoke again, her voice was choppy and restrained. It was easy to sense the break of control coming. "Not everything is about you!"

The shouting was enough to send Mr. and Mrs. Simmons scurrying from the room, probably categorizing this as one more reason to not get entangled with their children's youthful drama.

"You're the one that makes it that way!" The redhead yelled back inching towards the confrontation. "I've never done anything to you and you sulk around Hogwarts as if I've done you some type of unforgivable wrong! Well, the jokes on you because as much time as you spend obsessing over me, you don't even cross my mind."

"Of course not!" Honor's face was flushed crimson and she stomped a foot closer to Lily. "You are selfish and manipulative and the idea that someone other than you could have emotions is so foreign that it doesn't even occur to you."

Lily started to defend herself, but the shorter girl continued upping her volume and coming to stand right in her face. "You disgust me! The way you moped around like you were the only person allowed to miss Harland made me sick. He's my brother- my _BROTHER_, Lily! And then you had the audacity to accuse me of being late for class because I'd been out flippantly cavorting with Sirius when I'd just cried my eyes out. I couldn't eat… I couldn't sleep because of the nightmares. Every time I closed my eyes I saw my brother dead and it never even occurred to you that I might be devastated too. You only thought of yourself!"

If it weren't for the anger that raced through her bloodstream, the horrible truth of Honor's words would have rocked her. She'd been so wrapped up in her own melodrama that she'd never seriously considered that Honor was lashing out at her because she was worried about Baker.

"This started long before seventh year." Lily's voice was low, saturated with rage. "I can't remember a time when you haven't been staring over my shoulder green with envy."

A horrible noise ripped at the Ravenclaw's throat. Her hands swung wildly as she began shouting again. "You have no idea what you're talking about, you fucking wench! I don't know how you have everyone fooled, but I see through your little 'Lovely Lily' act. You take everything I want!"

"That's where you're wrong." The horrible smile that twisted the Head Girl's face was cruel and unforgiving. "I don't take everything you want… It's just that nobody wants you!"

As if the boys could predict the oncoming violence, Sirius wrapped his arms around his struggling girlfriend, and Baker scooped Lily away, throwing her over his shoulder as he cut through the kitchen to the backyard.

It was below freezing and dark besides the underwater lights of the pool. Gracelessly, Baker dumped her back on her feet.

She wanted to kick something or punch a wall- anything to release the tension that coiled with her anger. Instead she screamed long and loud and so hard that she bent over at the waist from the exertion.

She'd only regained her breathing when Baker gave her a gentle shove that was just enough to knock her off balance and into the pool.

When she'd dipped her feet in with James the only other time she'd been to the Simmons home the past summer, she had suspected it was charmed. Floundering in the clear liquid that should have been icy cold, Lily was happy to note that she had been right.

She broke the surface spitting out lukewarm water, and glared at her ex best mate. "What the bloody hell was that for!"

"You needed to cool off." He shrugged, restraining his amused grin.

"Tosser." She grumbled, but already the anger was fading away. How did people hold onto it for so long? Hers was always fleeting. Kicking against the heavy clothes that floated around her, she swam to the side of the pool and held her hand up to him. "Help me out."

"I wouldn't do that yet. The only thing keeping you from freezing your nice arse off is the warmth charm on the pool, and I think we might want to give Sirius a minute to get my little sister under control." He said staring down at her in the water.

"I could take her." She mumbled in reply sinking down into the water. "Haven't you ever known anyone who just hates you no matter what you do? It's ruddy frustrating."

"There was this one bloke at Hogwarts who really had it out for me." Baker admitted, pulling up a lawn chair beside the pool.

Trailing mist rose off the water in swirling ribbons. Lily realized the lower and closer she stayed in the liquid, the warmer she was.

"He was a Slytherin and took about just every opportunity to best me." He continued and reclined his chair, crossing his arms over his chest and feet at the ankles. "Don't get me wrong- I'm competitive. I did everything I could to beat him too."

"It never bothered you that there was nothing you could do to change his mind about you?" The heavy jumper was weighing her down so she discarded it with a splat beside the older Auror. He dodged the spray of water, while still trying to get a peek at her chest before realizing she was wearing an undershirt.

"Sometimes people aren't going to like you no matter what you do." He told her once he'd recovered from his disappointment. "Most people who don't like you are people you wouldn't want to be friends with anyways. I mean would you really want to be best mates with Honor? I still can't stand Matis."

"Whatever happened to him?" She asked curiously. It was hard to believe anyone wouldn't like Baker. This Matis must have been a real berk.

"At Hogwarts he was really into the Dark Arts and-"

Lily didn't want to hear anything about Death Eaters or You-Know-Who. She was taking a holiday from all things sinister. "I meant silly things like did he ever have any kids or get married?"

Baker made a disgruntled face, but seemed to take her request seriously concentrating for a minute as he dug through forgotten memories. "…I remember there was a bit of a scandal about his choice of girlfriends in seventh year. She was quite a few years older than we were. I know I couldn't believe that Alledora Crouch was dating Matis MacMillan."

"Alledora Crouch as in the Hogwarts' Professor?" Lily demanded.

"Er…yes, I suppose." He was caught off guard by her sudden intensity.

"And Matis MacMillan you said… Does he have a younger brother?" She felt like this was something important.

"Possibly. I don't really remember, but all those purebloods have loads of kids… Now that you mention it I do recall a sibling that was in Honor's year. He's in Slytherin too, right?"

"Yes!" Lily felt excitement. She might not have figured out Professor Crouch's endgame, but she'd made the connection between Crouch and Luka MacMillan. Crouch was helping Luka complete some task to help him become a Death Eater just like his brother.

"Alright, I think the chlorine might have fried your brain." Baker stared at her with concern as he summoned a fluffy towel and helped her out of the warm water.

She was silent as they tiptoed back inside and upstairs. Her mind was too full of possible scenarios to take a break and share her theories. He was an Auror and would certainly be able to help her, but for the time being she wanted to digest the new information alone.

The next morning Sirius and Honor were gone, but Mrs. Simmons asked to speak with Lily alone. Mr. Simmons headed off to work, leaving Baker to eye his mother nervously as he went to bathe for the day.

"I can't say how sorry I am, Mrs. Simmons." Lily immediately apologized. She'd felt the guilt of giving into Honor's fight ever since she calmed down. The Simmons had invited her into their home and she'd practically brawled with their daughter on Christmas. "I should have never caused such a scene."

"It was quite dramatic." May Simmons' grin slanted to the right. Lily relaxed. It was the same as Baker's amused smile. "Even as a child Honor had an affinity for theatrics."

Lily looked down at her hands on the kitchen table. She didn't want to say anything bad about the woman's daughter.

"It's just part of who she is…" May continued gently, drawing Lily's eyes to meet hers again. "We're Honor's family and we love everything about her…but don't think that means me or Asher don't realize how difficult our daughter can be."

"She was a little bit right." The younger woman admitted. "I didn't even consider Honor's feelings about Bak- Harland going missing. I guess I am selfish."

"That doesn't make you selfish, Lily." May's warm voice filled up Lily's chest. "It makes you human… And believe me- Honor accusing anyone of being selfish is a bit like the pot calling the kettle black."

Lily giggled and took a sip of the tea May had set in front of her. "You've been incredibly nice to me, letting me stay here and being so understanding. I wish there was a way I could pay you back."

"Honor has always been the difficult child. Harland was easy. He always seemed to find his own path without our guidance, and we were so thrilled when he got accepted with the Aurors… But they changed him. I didn't always think it was for the better either." She explained to Lily sadly. "He has always been so happy, but every time he came home from a mission I could see his spirit fading bit by bit. Asher and I had no idea what to do. We'd learned to handle Honor, but our son was a whole different situation."

Lily thought of the first time she ever met Baker at The Leaky Cauldron. He had been so different- almost hopeless and definitely bitter. She'd just never thought about it before because they'd connected so quickly and she'd brushed it off as a bad night.

"We were losing him and the worst part was that there was nothing we could do but watch." May's pretty features quivered with the promise of tears. "I've never been so afraid in my life… And then one day this past summer he started smiling again. It was as if we were watching a dwindling flame catch wind and turn into the inferno of its former glory… You saved him. I don't know how or why, but I can assure you that you'll never owe us anything as long as I live. We're the ones who owe you, Lily."

"I didn't do anything." She stuttered out a shocked response. "If anything he saved me, Mrs. Simmons."

"Well, then we were all lucky that you found each other." May reached across the kitchen table to grasp Lily's hand.

A persistent Owl scratched at the kitchen window, and May had to pull her hand away to let the fluttering creature inside. The unfamiliar bird immediately flew at Lily and as soon as she freed the letter, the Owl fled through the same window it had just come in. May collected their cups and started the dishes as Lily curiously unrolled the parchment.

_L,_

_Meet me at the place we first met. I would not ask if it wasn't important. Come alone. This is a matter of life and death. Be there noon on the thirty-first. _

_I need your help._

_S.S. _

She scanned the mysterious note four times as her heart raced. She would recognize the handwriting even if the "S.S." didn't alert her that the sender was her childhood best friend Severus Snape.

There were several worrisome words that immediately caught her attention like- _important, come alone, life and death, help_.

He wouldn't lure her into a trap, would he? Severus could never do that, no matter how far they had drifted. Lily had to believe in that small assurance. If he really needed her, could she turn her back on him?

"Another love letter, Whiskey?" Baker's voice came from right beside her. She hadn't even heard him enter, and she crumbled the letter into a ball, tossing into in the bin. All the words had already been memorized. "I swear you have almost as many admirers as I do."

"I need some air." Her mind was too full. The spacious room suddenly seemed cramped and stifling.

"Whiskey, what's going on?" He followed her out of the kitchen, grabbing her arm to halt her movement. "Was it something my mum said?"

Lily shook her head quickly. Telling him about Severus' letter was the smart thing to do, but maybe she didn't want to hear what he would have to say. This was a decision she had to make all on her own.

"You really do just need some fresh air?" He asked hopefully.

She nodded.

"Go grab a coat and meet me in the guest lavatory." He didn't give her the chance to question him, rushing up the stairs without another word.

Following his instructions, she waited bundled up in her large winter coat in the guest loo. It was cramped and she couldn't even turn in a full circle thanks to her fluffy attire. She glared at Baker when he appeared. "Is this some type of joke?"

He laughed carelessly shuffling her out of the way (she had to put a foot in the bath), but they made it work. With experienced fingers he unlatched the small window and forced the glass up. "Out you go."

She stared at him with irritated disbelief. "You want me to jump out the window?"

"No, I want you to crawl onto the ledge outside of the window, Whiskey." He chuckled at her assumption. "Honestly, if I was trying to kill you then you'd already be dead. In case you forgot, I'm an Auror."

"You're an arsehole." She corrected in a grumbling voice, but complied to his request nonetheless.

The ledge was thick and even though they were on the second story, she wasn't afraid of the fall. There would have to be some really spastic movements to cause her to fly off the roof at this distance. Baker followed her out, but instead of taking a seat like she expected, he crawled around the ledge to a higher plane of the roof.

"You're not afraid of heights, are you?" He asked gruffly.

She shook her head taking the spot beside him that he'd cleared from the light snowfall.

He smiled at her answer. "Good, there's nothing I like more than being up high."

They were silent taking the white world that surrounded them. It was the highest point on the roof, even higher than any of the looming trees in the distance.

"There's this one spot at Hogwarts-." He started.

"Ohhh." She smirked cutting him off and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. "Is that where you took all your ladies?"

"It's so high that nothing breaks the view of the horizon." Without missing beat, his story continued as if she hadn't spoken at all. "It's like floating and on some clear nights if you lay there for long enough you start to forget you're not one of the stars. I've never felt so wholly isolated and completely connected as I did in that spot."

"It sounds…perfect."

"There isn't any fresher air than right here." He grinned, nudging her shoulder gently.

He was right. Hours later when they climbed back into the Simmons' home shivering; Lily knew exactly what she had to do about Severus' letter.

On the night of the thirtieth Lily was careful to keep Baker up all night, playing into his competitive spirit by challenging him to marathon chess and exploding snap games. When morning came she tiptoed downstairs for breakfast, careful not to wake her friend. She was lucky that it was so early because it wasn't likely anyone would be up at this time on a Saturday and she looked a mess.

Taming her wild hair wasn't worth breaking Baker's slumber though.

"James!" She nearly shouted startled by the blacked haired Head Boy standing alone in the kitchen.

Shock touched his features before he brushed it away as his hand ruffled through his hair. "I'm waiting on Sirius."

_Don't you get it? I love you. _

An avalanche of emotion crumbled down on her. All she could do was stare as his words stuck on repeat in her mind.

"I'm sorry." She didn't know what she was apologizing for, but the words were whispered with purpose.

The careful mask he wore cracked with a stab of unadulterated pain, and she fought the urge to apologize for apologizing. It obviously didn't make him feel any better at all.

James opened his mouth to speak.

"I'm ready now, Prongs." Sirius interrupted skidding to a stop in the kitchen with them. "Morning, Evans. We were just on our way to let James get the first peek at my new flat."

A big reason why Lily had been able to avoid Honor and Sirius after the Christmas debacle was their nearly constant absence as Sirius searched for a flat to buy.

"We're taking your motorbike right, Padfoot?" All traces of the broken boy were gone, leaving the smirking shell of James Potter. "Hopefully, it won't be nearly as exciting as our last adventure on the bike."

The boys chuckled remembering the funny story that she wasn't invited to share in. They said their goodbyes and if it weren't for the fact that James refused to meet her eyes she would never know that anything out of the ordinary happened between them at all.

Lily didn't need breakfast anymore to wake her up. The shock of seeing James had done the job just fine. She was as quiet as possible climbing back into Baker's bed with an eye on the clock. It was still hours before noon.

"I was having a good dream." He murmured without opening his eyes.

"About what?" She whispered back gently.

His eyelids fluttered once before closing again. "The war was over."

"What would you do if it was?" Her question wasn't accompanied by any urgency, only lazy curiosity.

A brownish green iris peeked at her from one heavily lidded eye. "Something worthwhile…like get married or write a book."

"Who would you marry?" Lily grinned as she asked.

The sleep made his snort of laughter hoarse and deep. "You, probably."

"And what makes you think I'd marry _you_?"

"Well, I love you and they always say you're supposed to marry your best friend." A warm arm reached out to pull her closer until her back was snuggled into his chest.

It made Lily think of what James had told her about his parents in the Great Hall. He'd said they settled for one another, giving up ever having a great love in their lives. At the time she had thought it was terribly sad. It had made life seem very hopeless, but thinking over a life with Baker it didn't seem so bad at all. It would be easy- peaceful. "We would have the most devious kids. They'd be truly dangerous little monsters."

Baker's voice had a sleepy quality as he continued like he was half awake, half dreaming. "A little girl with your crimson curls and my eyes. She'd be beautiful just like you…"

"No, little girls are only trouble." She corrected lightly, closing her eyes so she could see it in her mind. "I can't even imagine a hellion with your genes…I want a little gentleman, and he'll have _my_ eyes- just like my father."

Baker never responded though. He was already asleep.

An hour later, Lily slid out of bed and got ready quietly. She was going to go to the place she'd first met Severus. It was possibly the worst decision she'd ever made, but if she could save his life then she had to try. She just knew that somewhere deep down inside was the little boy who had given her magic.

Flagging down the Knight Bus with her wand, Lily made it to her old neighborhood just before noon. The sun would've shone brightly down on her if it weren't for the fat clouds that blotted out its light. Her path detoured around the lot where her childhood home used to sit. She didn't want to see what became of it. The playground was smaller than she remembered and the swing she sank into screeched unpleasantly under her weight.

Severus wasn't here yet, but other than the curious anxiety, she didn't mind the wait. Her boots thumped against the cold ground as she pushed off in her swing again and again. The time passed slowly and even when the sun dipped from its noon position, she remained without the slightest urgency.

She knew Severus. He _never _asked for help. If he brought himself to send that letter than it was as important as he made it seem. He would get here eventually.

Baker would understand when she explained it to him later.

An encompassing happiness filled her chest at the thought of her friend, and she was temporarily confused until she remembered his Christmas present. He was thinking of her while she thought of him. It made her smile.

She'd have to remember to warm him off wearing his bracelet all the time. It would be nice every once in awhile, but the phantom happy/cry emotion was a little disconcerting at random.

The wait continued until the angle of the sun behind the trees created jagged unsightly shadows that stretched towards her ominously.

He really wasn't coming.

For the first time fear began to take form. It wasn't something she could understand, but instead the looming intuition of wrongness.

Her muscles ached from the hours of sitting as she pulled her body out of the low swing. A panic might have been taking root under the surface, but her movements were strangely calm and controlled. Like someone had her under Imperius Curse, she went through the motions of calling the Knight Bus and her monotone voice informed him of her destination.

Something was very very wrong.

Severus had said everything he could to get her to that playground. He was a Slytherin- no action was without reason.

The Knight Bus jerked to a halt and Lily's head snatched up, scanning the surroundings. They were in the same general area as the Simmons' home, but nowhere near as close as where it had picked her up earlier.

"Why did you stop?" She demanded and with her voice came the anxiety that she'd been suppressing.

The young female attendant looked at Lily with fear in her dark eyes. "We won't go any closer."

Lily opened her mouth to demand a reason, but the woman was already raising her hand to point out the windshield.

The world should've stopped spinning. If it was ever going to that would have been the moment as Lily stared at the Dark Mark standing out against the night sky in the distance right over her best mate's home.

But it didn't, and with unstable memories she didn't remember getting off the bus. The next thing she was aware of was running down icy street towards the house. It was slippery and at some point she must have fallen because the palms of her hands were smeared with blood. She cut through a plot of woods and the heavy shrubbery cut into the exposed skin of her face, but she didn't slow down. She couldn't even feel it.

She couldn't feel anything.

She smelled the fire though, long before she could feel the hot flames that licked the night from every corner of the Simmons' home. There were no Aurors or lingering Death Eaters as she sprinted towards the house.

Just inside the front door smoke hit her like a wall and forced her to stop and regain her bearings. It was so thick like she was underwater, and just as the water would have done the smoke seemed to pour into every opening, filling her eyes, mouth, and ears. She couldn't see, but it didn't stop her from fighting forward.

She ran into something hard, but when she tried to get around it she found her body restrained and being dragged backwards out of the house. It took her a minute to realize it was a person that had hold of her.

"Let me go!" She screamed flinging her limbs out in all directions. _Anything to save Baker. Got to help them. Got to help them. Got to help them. _

Her smaller body was no match for the person's strength and soon they were on damp grass where the smoke was thinner.

"We've got to help them!" Her fingernails scraped against skin as one of her feet landed a blow to his body.

Sirius managed to hold onto to her though. He was almost unrecognizable, covered in ash where her fingernails hadn't managed to draw blood.

When it became clear he had no intention of letting her go, she doubled her efforts, fueled by the adrenaline. "LET ME GO!"

"They're gone, Lily…They're gone." His eyes were blank as he repeated the words like a mantra. "Help me James!"

She bucked hysterically in his arms. He had to be growing tired. He'd let her go soon. _They couldn't be dead. They needed her help. May and Asher and Honor…and Baker. Her sweet beautiful Baker…_

Even though it must have been nearly impossible, Sirius managed to hold on. Another body joined him at some point, and together James and Sirius held onto her.

"Please, please…please." She begged and her voice sounded strange even to her own ears. "Please."

They clung to her as she pleaded until the left half of the house collapsed before them.

"Please." Lily cried, but this time it was to the Powers That Be.

Sensing the change, Sirius collapsed onto the ground exhausted and broken. His ash distorted head dropped into his arms that propped on his knees.

Long after she'd stopped fighting, James held her tightly into his chest. Her burning cheek rested into his soft jumper as she gazed emotionlessly at the destruction. An incredible numbness was triggered by her brain's defense mechanism.

The Aurors arrived in a charge of dramatic brilliance, but it was useless.

They were gone. They were all dead.

"We need to interview you both." Suddenly there was an Auror standing in front of them.

Lily glanced down to the spot where Sirius had been, but he was gone. When had that happened?

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Lily, I asked if you were okay to talk to the Aurors." James wasn't touching her anymore. His face was racked with concern.

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry… I'm sorry." A voice continued to mumble.

She placed a hand to her hot face. Her lips were moving. It was her voice. She stopped talking and nodded instead.

Time seemed to be jumping spastically around her. Or maybe her brain was stalling out and then restarting again. Her overwhelmed mind could only process so much.

"Thank you for your assistance…I'm very sorry for your loss." A male Auror was saying to her.

Had she already spoken with him? Did she say the right things?

The next moment she was standing alone and the man who had just been in front of her was nowhere to be seen.

When her brain caught up with her next, she was standing in a different neighborhood staring down a row of houses that all looked exactly the same. The lawns were pristine. She wondered if they measured every blade of grass.

Had she Apparated? She'd gotten her license, but barely ever used it. She found the sensation disconcerting. It probably wasn't a good idea to Apparate while she was in shock. She was in shock.

She was knocking on the door of Number Four Privet Drive. She remembered the address from the last letter her sister had sent.

Petunia led her up the stairs, glancing back at her with concern. Lily thought she must look truly grotesque to earn such a sisterly look.

"In you go." Her sister told her nervously. She was staring in the mirror over Lily's shoulder in a bathroom. In the reflections she saw that the shower curtain was open and suddenly the sound of rushing water filled her ears even though the water had been running before she'd noticed it.

Lily's eyes met a pair of stunningly beautiful emerald irises in the mirror. She studied her ash covered figure as if she were a stranger. There was no connection to this girl with the slices in her cheeks and torn attire.

She watched her sister lead the broken girl into the spray of water.

"Lift your arms." Petunia's voice asked in a soft tone that was so foreign to her, she did as she was told out of pure surprise.

Slowly time was beginning to flow in its normal span. She stayed aware as Petunia finished undressing her. The cool rag she used to sponge away the grime from Lily's body was nice. Petunia even washed her hair like their mother had done when they were little.

"Who's dead, Lily?" Her sister, asked helping Lily wrap a towel around her body.

"What?" It was the first time Lily recalled speaking.

"You keep saying that they're dead over and over again."

Instead of answering, Lily placed her fingers to her lips. She didn't like the idea of speaking without realizing it. Her sensitive lips didn't move again until Petunia sat her down in front of a vanity.

"…Just like Mother's." She murmured reaching her other hand out to stroke the polished wood.

She didn't know if Petunia had heard her, but she made no inclination that she had. Had she said the words out loud or only in her mind? Petunia picked up a silver brush and brought it through Lily's damp hair in gentle strokes.

"_One day they'll figure it out though… Blood is blood, and whether you want to or not you'll always love one another. She might hate every minute of it, but if you needed her, she'd be there." _

May Simmons' words rang out in her mind. She'd been right. Mothers were supposed to tell their children things like that. Important words of wisdom that suddenly take on new meaning when you least expect it. May had been everything a mother should be…and now she was dead.

Petunia took her to a small room, and Lily curled up in a ball on the daybed.

Baker was dead.

The room plunged into darkness as Petunia closed the door. She started crying then without the slightest hope that she'd ever be able to stop.

00000000

**Author's Note:**_ Even though I knew that is was necessary for the plot, character development, and even cannon to kill Baker, I still hated doing it. As I read in reviews all the time everyone loves Baker and I do too, but just like Lily needed him to be there for her in the beginning, she needed to be without him for the next step of her progression. _

_Harry's fight against Voldemort was personal and Lily's needed to be too. This certainly makes it personal. _

_I'd love to hear your feedback! _

Hopefully I'll get around to posting the Behind the Scenes information on my profile tonight, but if not check back later.

As always, thank you for taking the time to review and let me know that I'm not doing all this writing for nothing .


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Previous:** _THIS SECTION CONTAINS INFORMATION FROM THE ENTIRE STORY THAT IS RELATIVE TO THE CURRENT CHAPTER. _

The Simmons' were murdered by Death Eaters, while Lily had been called away to meet Snape at the playground where they first met. In shock, she escapes to Petunia's house at #4 Privet Drive. Baker had been friends with fellow Auror, Claribell Begum, and Lily met the energetic girl while staying with the Simmons'. Evie left Hogwarts early to go be with her mysterious boyfriend, Xenophilius Lovegood. During the summer, Evie had sent Lily one of her 'modified' potions that left Lily with much darker and straighter hair. Even though Baker had adored the new look, Lily was horrified, viewing the change as even further loss of her identity. The potion eventually wore off just before Lily returned to Hogwarts. Something has been going on with Kat and Remus, but neither has confessed to Lily.

Lily's parents died in a fire in her 5th year. Baker (aka Harland Simmons) is the Ministry appointed face against the Death Eaters. He was awarded the prestigious Ring of Honor for his efforts in the war. After struggling to interpret Piper Prescott's strange behavior leading up the ball it became clear that she'd really been trying to make friends with Lily. As a Christmas gift, she'd given both Lily and James a pair of mirrors that allow communication. Even though Marley McKinnon lived in a dorm with muggleborns Lily, Kat, and Evie, her friendship always tilted more towards Honor Simmons and Emmeline Vance.

Harvey, Lily's pet turtle, was sick when she left Hogwarts and she thought it might have something to do with her stress levels creating an unhealthy environment. On Christmas Baker told Lily she had one more present waiting for her at Hogwarts. Lily has hardcore suspicions about the new DADA Professor. She's caught her sneaking out and Alledora Crouch forks out constant threats to the Head Girl. There is also the strange matter of her interaction with fellow seventh year and consensus jerk, Luka MacMillan, and the newly discovered connection to Luka's older brother and Death Eater, Matis.

**Chapter Thirteen**

**A Rising Heart and a Broken Sun**

The first surprising thing that happened in the brand new year of 1978 was that the sun rose.

And like clockwork it set again that night.

On the second day that the sun rose, two Owls came and left, leaving letters that remained unopened in their wake. Petunia didn't even scold her for the post that would surely be deemed "abnormal." If anything her sister tiptoed into the room bringing soup and water with caution and fear. She stood over Lily's curled up body, unmoved since the first night, and studied her baby sister with helpless apprehension.

Lily could imagine Petunia was having quite an existential crisis about how to handle the situation. On the one hand all of this drama was highly unwanted, but on the other she was fighting with her conscious which urged her to 'fix' Lily. Petunia would grasp at the forgotten notion that their relationship could be salvaged if only Lily would shun all that other silliness. They could be real sisters again, just like when they were little.

Petunia cleared her throat breaking the ever present silence that clung to the guest room. "Would you like me to open the post for you?"

Lily couldn't imagine the strain Petunia was putting on her sanity to remain civil when referring to something so unnatural as owl delivered mail. Her body didn't move, but she tried to convey with her eyes that she didn't care either way.

Handling the first parchment as if it were contagious, Petunia eased it open with the tips of her fingers. She read with a stiff, inflectionless voice. It was from Sirius and he was letting her know that the funeral would be tomorrow at noon. The Hogwarts' Express had been delayed to accommodate the students who wished to pay their respects. He'd written directions to the cemetery.

He'd also included a cut out of The Daily Prophet article regarding the Simmons' death. Petunia didn't bother to ask this time before she started reading.

"The Wizarding World has been shaken by the brutal Auror Murders that took place on New Year's Eve. Separate groups of Death Eaters attacked four residences simultaneously that all housed Aurors. Claribell Begum was murdered in her one bedroom flat in muggle London. The twenty-two year old was fresh out of training and thought to have a very promising career as an Auror ahead of her. The Prewett brothers, Gideon and Fabian, seemed to nearly get the best of the Death Eaters that attacked their cottage in Godric's Hallow, but the five Death Eaters eventually overwhelmed them.

Renowned war hero, Harland Simmons, was caught off guard and controlled by the presence of his family. Asher (father), May (mother), and Honor (Hogwarts' age sister) were all killed along with the White Cloak. The fourth house belonged to married Aurors, Frank and Alice Longbottom, but they weren't present during the time of the attack. Their absence most certainly saved their lives, for it is rumored that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was with this particular group in the hopes of extinguishing the couple, who are viewed as two of the most formidable Aurors.

This all leads back to the horrifying question that if the wizards assigned to protecting us can't even protect themselves- is anyone really safe?"

Petunia's voice trembled and was awkward over the many unfamiliar words, but she pushed through. She looked at Lily expecting a reaction. When she didn't get one the other letter was read.

"Lovely Lily." Petunia began and Lily was proud of her sister for not scoffing at the nickname. "I'm sorry this is so last minute, but I'm afraid I won't have another chance to write. You're going to think I'm barking mad, but we got married! Xeno and I are headed deep into the jungles of Asia in search of some of the fabulous creatures he knows all about. I'm sad to finish my last year by correspondence, but this is going to be such an incredible adventure. Don't try to write me back. Owls don't seem to be able to navigate the terrain. I haven't heard a thing from anyone since we left on Christmas. Love always, Evie Lovegood."

Lily made a mental note to feel happy for her best friend when she managed to handle emotions again.

Petunia left her alone in the same position she'd found her in.

The predictability of the sun's cycle amazed her as the light began to fade through the window once again that evening. The world moved on even if she couldn't. She closed her eyes, but sleep wouldn't come. And worst than that was the fact that her brain refused to retreat into the eclipsing numbness that had been protecting her.

Evie's letter had planted a seed of desire. She wanted something, and she chased after the feeling- anything to keep the pain at bay. Her legs were weak and the hand-me-downs Petunia had provided were ill fitting, but she was on a mission. The house was dark and quiet as Lily crept out into the cold night. She didn't know where the closest store was, but she set off in the most promising direction on foot.

After a long walk down a well lit sidewalk, Lily opened the glass door to the building with shaking hands. It was a large store. The kind that sold just about anything you could think of, and she avoided catching her reflection in any shiny objects as she followed the signs to her whim.

Her reflection would only serve as a hideous reminder. Her red hair was matted and unkempt. She was cut, blistered, and bruised. It would be a miracle if she made it out of public without giving someone a heart attack. But none of those things mattered one bit to her at the moment.

What she was really scared of was the girl who might stare back at her from the mirror. Would she be broken beyond repair? How could she be expected to be strong when her strength had been stolen away from her- her Baker?

Her trip back to Petunia's house was quicker as she walked with a new purpose, her small bag smacking into her leg in stride with her steps. The house was just as she left it, and she hurried silently into the guest bath upstairs. Opening the cardboard box she followed the muggle instructions precisely. After the lengthy process was complete, she grabbed her wand urgently and repeated a modified version of the spell she'd seen Evie cast a million times.

Casting the spell was such a rush. She did it again and then again. As if her lack of magic over the past few days had caused a surplus, with every flick and swish of her wand, she felt a little freer. Again and again the spell hit her hair, but she couldn't stop. Eventually her hand began to cramp and the wooden wand hit the floor with a bouncing thump.

Exhausted, her hands braced on either side of the sink, and her body hunched towards the mirror as she finally took in her appearance.

The muggle hair dye had not exactly matched the dark auburn hue from the summer, but it was close enough. It was just a tad too dark, but considering her lack of experience with muggle hair products she was proud. The spell she used to straighten it into thick curtains was temporary, only designed to last a few weeks, but Evie had long ago discovered a modification that lasted until new hair grew to replace the old.

Baker had loved her hair like this.

By the end of the summer it had become a symbol of the strength she found, and the "Lovely" she left behind. It was a cruel injustice that the only person who could get her through such trauma was the one that had been taken away. The Death Eaters couldn't take the impact he had on her life though.

Her reflection would serve as a different type of reminder now. It would help her remember that she had strength somewhere inside of her.

On the third morning that the sun rose, Lily got up without her sister's prompting. She showered and took her time grooming. It wasn't vanity that inspired her, but instead the need to draw out the morning as long as possible. Petunia was waiting for Lily in the guest room when she finished, holding a modest black dress.

"…Is that?" Lily asked stunned by the appearance of the familiar garb.

"Mother's." Petunia finished for her, running a protective hand down the thick fabric. "Yes. I'd borrowed it from her for some work function and forgot to give it back."

"I thought we'd lost everything of theirs in the fire." She said weakly. It had been their mother's favorite thing in the whole world. Lily could imagine Adeline Evans clearer in her mind than she'd been able to in years. Probably because she'd worn the expensive garment every chance she got.

Petunia looked pained as she thrust the hanger at her younger sister. "It should fit you."

Torn between being thankful and suspicious, Lily's eyes darted from the dress back to Petunia's face.

"Just take it." Her pale face was flushed and she shook the dress with irritation.

Lily did as she asked, but placed their mother's dress on the bed and turned quickly back to Petunia. Without giving her sister a chance to stop her, Lily wrapped her arms around the only family member she had left. Petunia remained stiff and unresponsive, but Lily didn't care.

She couldn't imagine how hard it must have been to give up the only thing Petunia had left of their parents. "Thank you."

"Your figure is more like mother's…thicker." Petunia avoided her eyes, looking uncomfortable, and then gave up altogether and fled the room.

Half an hour later, Lily was completely dressed and just about to head downstairs for breakfast when the full length mirror in the corner caught her eye.

Petunia was right about Lily's figure mirroring their mother's (even if Petunia hadn't meant it as a compliment). The thick black material cupped her body like it had been made for her. The cut was timeless and modest stopping at her knees. Her pale legs were covered by pantyhose, but the exposed skin of her face looked sickly. The angry raised lines of scratches didn't help either.

At last, she stopped the study at her hair. The new much darker hue was shocking, but not altogether unflattering. With her pink cheeks (if you looked passed the cuts) and bright emerald eyes, she could have almost passed for a porcelain doll. She'd forgotten how much longer her hair hung without the swirling curls. It hit below her shoulder blades in a thick curtain of deep auburn.

She had to believe that Baker was out there somewhere smirking at her new/old look.

Suddenly the girl in the mirror was smiling too. As if caught breaking a rule, Lily's reflection dropped the smile and stared back at her startled. Happiness and smiles seemed wrong, but that's all her relationship with Baker had been. She came up short though when she tried the smile again, and left the room quickly.

"Your hair's different." Vernon Dursley commented gruffly when she sat at the table with the newlyweds.

Lily nodded politely as Petunia placed breakfast in front of her. They ate in silence. Well, Petunia and Vernon ate. Their young guest pushed her food around the glass plate, and studied her sister's new home.

It was clean and impersonal and exactly the type of house Petunia had always wanted. A house that showed the status that she'd always thought she deserved. Lily instantly felt guilty for thinking anything even the slightest bit negative after everything her sister had done for her the last three days. It was still hard for her to believe that Petunia had given her a place to sleep that wasn't the cupboard under the stairs.

"Lily, we wanted to discuss something with you." Petunia announced when breakfast was finished.

The married couple looked comical staring at her from the other side of the table. He was so round and she was so lean- an apple and a toothpick. Their eyes matched in concentration for the moment though.

"Vernon and I would like to invite you to live with us." Vernon made an unintentional face at his wife's words, but kept his mouth shut.

"That's very kind of you, but Hogwarts-."

Petunia cut her off. Her sharp features puckered with the intensity. "You misunderstand. It's time to put all this silliness behind you. There will be no more Hogwarts and no more magic!"

Immediately, Vernon's bulging eyes darted to the window as if their neighbors would be hanging about just to eavesdrop.

Staring at her sister now, Lily could see the fear and anguish clear in her pale eyes. All Lily could think about was making it better. For as long as she could remember she had been doing whatever she could to make Petunia happy. It would be so easy to accept. It would make Petunia so pleased… But Lily's spirit would never recover.

"I'll come and live with you after the term is over." Her eyes begged her sister to understand.

"No." Her eyes were hard, unyielding. "If you go back to _that _school, we are done."

"Please." Lily reached across the table in an attempt to take Petunia's hand.

The jerk of her hand was violent, rattling the silverware and sloping juice out of their cups. "You're going to get yourself killed! If you'd just come be normal those bad people would leave you alone. They murdered your friends! Who's to say that you aren't next? We could be a family, Lily…Please."

Lily's weak smile was watery but sure. "We'll always be family, Tuney…"

_Blood is blood. _

"But they are my family too." She finished, standing up as well. "Don't worry about me… I'll be fine. Everything will be fine."

"If you walk out of that door I never want to see you again. I will not stand by and watch you get murdered." Petunia straightened up to her full height. The sisters locked eyes across the kitchen table.

"I hope you change your mind." Lily told her sincerely and walked out the door that threatened to break their bond.

It wasn't always fun doing the right thing. This time it hurt like hell, but she felt strong. Maybe Baker really was out there somewhere smirking and giving her little pushes of encouragement.

After Apparating to the cemetery, she walked towards a majestic building across the hallowed ground. Heels would have looked better and the slippers that Petunia acquired for her were too large (they kept slipping of the heels of her feet), but she was thankful that she didn't have to worry about her shoes sinking into the grass.

The day was mockingly beautiful. It was supposed to be grey and raining. The sun was not supposed be fat and bold, bouncing off the light snow that littered the ground.

The stone structure was at the back of the cemetery and marble stairs jutted out from the oversized doors. It was a strange mixture of something that looked old- possibly Roman or Greek- and yet it still managed to radiate the environment of a church. Her parent's funeral had been in a church, and they still made her nervous.

She was late, slipping into the last row. It was the only seat left in the full building. The pews were just like a church's too. Her hands clenched together in her lap, uncomfortable and anxious.

Someone began speaking, but Lily didn't dare break her concentration from her lap. Her entire body was tense and the stiffness was the key to her stubborn refusal to break. Asher Simmons' best friend's words bounced off her as he talked about their rascal childhood together and the day he fell head-over-heels for May.

Other people took their turns behind the elegant podium talking about the members of the Simmons' family, but it didn't feel real. The words sounded more like something you'd read in a story- one dimensional.

That was all that was left of them now- the memories of others. It wasn't fair.

Honor and Baker should have had the chance to tell each other that they loved one another underneath all the teasing. They deserved the chance to discover _'Blood is blood' _all on their own just like their mother wanted. Lily should've gotten to say goodbye- to tell him thank you. If life was fair she and Honor would have found a way to make peace. Friendship might have been farfetched, but they deserved a chance to fail trying.

If life was fair then Lily would have a lifetime of pushes from Baker. There was so much she'd never gotten the chance to ask him.

Tears, hot and free flowing, raced down her face. She couldn't blame them for trying to escape. Inside her there was only misery. Why had she never asked him about his stupid scar? A sob cracked in her chest, but no one paid any mind. Funerals were a time to cry.

It wasn't fair! She wanted to scream. She would never get to know where he got that scar, just like the Simmons' would never get to have the long lives that they deserved.

Warner Langford, Head of the Auror Department, was standing in front of the overflowing crowd and began to speak. Lily looked up surprised, but then felt stupid. Of course, he'd give a speech. Baker had been the face of the Ministry's war with the Death Eaters.

_Death Eaters_

Sudden shocking rage filled her. She gripped the pew in front of her, causing the elderly witch beside her to cast a nervous glance in her direction.

They had killed him. Cowards hidden in masks had come into their home and murdered the best family she'd ever known. They had defiled something pure and beautiful. Death Eaters had done more than set fire to the Simmons' home that night. The flames had set Lily's spirit blazing.

She hated them. Hate was something that had always been so foreign to her. It was so much easier to love.

"It is time we stand together as one against these monsters." Warner's deep voice echoed powerfully around them. "Harland Simmons, Gideon and Fabian Prewitt, Claribell Begum can't fight for the cause they risked their lives for day in and day out, but we can. We can all do our part to end this war."

He was blatantly using the audience's mourning to try to stir up support for the Ministry, but Lily really didn't give a damn at the moment.

Baker had once told her that Aurors weren't meant to think. They were meant to do, but only what the Ministry told them to. The idea of being controlled had repulsed her, but things were different now. _She_ was different now. The anger and hate encouraged her stubborn resolve. She didn't care what she had to do or who she had to listen to as long as she could do her part to defeat Voldemort and the Death Eaters.

The ceremony finished, but Lily didn't move. Sniffling girls and hard faced men passed down the aisle, but her lowered head was unrecognizable. She wanted to be alone and she sat there until she was. When there was no chance of stragglers, she finally exited the building.

There were two tracks in the snow smudged ground and Lily followed the lighter tread to four fresh graves. The marble tombstones stood side by side each naming the Simmons that occupied them. They were a true family even in death.

Wasn't closure supposed to come now? She forced her red rimmed eyes to read every line on the graves. _Accept it. Accept it. _It was half a plea, half a demand. But it didn't feel like goodbye. At her parent's funeral it had felt like the end, but this was different. Why couldn't she say goodbye to the best friend she'd ever had? He deserved this of her.

Standing over Baker's already covered grave, Lily tried to will herself into letting him go. It was easy in theory, but she had no idea how to actually do it. She wanted to- for Baker. He would want her to do this. Actually, he would demand it. But she just grew more frustrated as she stood there, and eventually she accepted defeat, walking away with tears falling down her face.

"Whiskey?" A distinctly male voice called from behind her and Lily's heart leaped into her throat as she jerked around.

This man wasn't her Baker though. He had rust colored hair and long legs that helped him catch up with her quickly. "Are you Harland's Whiskey?"

"Who are you?" She tried to sound strong, but the affect was probably ruined when she had to wipe her running nose with a handkerchief.

"I'm a White Cloak. Harland was my partner." His face was only distinct in its plainness, but his eyes were pleasantly blue. He studied her briefly. "He talked about you all the time. I recognize you from a blurry picture he had of you at some bar."

Lily sniffled and nodded. "The Leaky Cauldron."

Just like any bloke, the White Cloak looked highly uncomfortable in the presence of a crying girl. Clearing his throat, he avoided her eyes before speaking again. "Look… They gave me Harland's Ring of Honor. It's supposed to go to the family, but…well, you know. I thought a lot about what I should do with it; bury it with him, or maybe do something sentimental-… but then I realized it really isn't my decision to make. It should be up to the person he loved best…"

His fingers were long and bony just like his legs, and he used them to hold out a chain with a familiar golden ring swaying on the end. "And that was you."

"No…" Her voice was weak. Overwhelmed, she shunned the responsibility. It was too much. "There has to be someone else."

"This is important. You can do something for Harland that no one else can. You can give him what he would want." Stubbornly, his raised the chain until the ring hung at her eyelevel.

"I-I can't." She wrapped her arms around her body. Her insides shook. It felt like she was falling apart.

"Harland once told me that you were the bravest girl he'd ever known."

"No." With a choked sob, she spoke. "I'm a mess. He knew I wasn't brave."

Using his superior strength, the White Cloak forced Lily to open her hand and poured the chain into her palm. "People aren't brave because their lives are perfect… He thought you were brave because you, unlike most people, faced your demons."

He Apparated away without another word, leaving Lily with the Ring of Honor. With shaking hands, she clasped the simple chain around her neck and fingered the piece of jewelry that settled on her breast. It felt right, like it belonged there.

Her race to Platform 9¾ was strangely light and it took her a few minutes to realize that it was because usually she had a trunk, robes, and other belongings to deal with. The fire had destroyed the possessions she'd taken for holiday, leaving her bare besides her wand, Adeline Evans' dress, and Baker's ring. She was running late and the train lurched forward as soon as she climbed on, almost as if it had been waiting on her. Checking the small windows, Lily waited to enter a compartment until she found one empty or one with her friends.

"Mind if I sit here?" Lily tried to offer Piper a weak smile sliding the door open. It probably looked more like a grimace.

Piper glanced up from her newspaper briefly before shrugging and continuing to read.

It wasn't exactly the welcome Lily had been expecting from her new 'friend.' She sighed and collapsed into the seat across from the Hufflepuff. "Did you have a nice holiday?"

Her head snapped up at the sound of the Head Girl's voice. "Lily? What did you do to you hair?"

She let out a breath and was surprised when it was almost a laugh. "It's good to see you too, Prescott."

Piper's golden hair was wrapped at the nape of her neck in an immaculate bun. She was already dressed in her robes, but even underneath the fabric Lily could tell her posture was still perfect. "I was very sad to hear about the Simmons' family. I know that you were well acquainted with Honor's brother."

Lily nodded quickly, unwilling to think or talk about the subject further. It wasn't like anyone would understand.

The door to their compartment slid open revealing what was left of her old dorm mates. Kat already had a comforting arm around a tearstained Marley, and when she spotted Lily her eyes welled with compassion. "Lovely…"

It was a punch in the stomach. Kat's pity meant nothing to her. How could she pretend to empathize when she had never felt this kind of loss?

With controlled purposeful actions, James stepped around Kat, casting an irritated glance at the shorter brunette before masking his face toward Lily. "We were starting to believe you'd missed the train."

Lily didn't even notice the entourage that accompanied them until all of the seventh year Gryffindors were cramming into the small area. The boys and Marley were all still in their black funeral robes, but Kat's simple dark skirt and shirt were symbolic of her muggle upbringing. James seemed to be the unrivalled leader of the chaotic group. He practically led Sirius to the spot beside Piper before sitting on the other side of his distracted friend. It was a tight fit with four on each side, but Remus, Kat, and Marley sat unquestioningly beside Lily while Peter took the remaining spot beside James.

"I looked for you at the cemetery." Kat managed to lean around Remus to look at Lily without letting Marley go. "I suppose I didn't recognize you because of the hair."

James cleared his throat, saving her again from responding to Kat. He stared at Lily with his official Head Boy face. "I cancelled the prefect meeting. We can reschedule for next week."

His behavior was, once again, catching her off guard. First of all, he was acknowledging her in public which was odd, but not nearly as strange as his attentiveness. Sure, it was stiff and formal attentiveness, but still- it was new.

"Where is the other one?" The sole non-Gryffindor asked abruptly. Even Sirius, who so far had remained detached and unaware, turned to stare at her, confused. Piper remained matter-of-fact as she explained. "The stalking muggleborn who was in need of a haircut."

"Evie got married!" Kat said and laughed with surprise as if she'd just remembered the news. "She's finishing Hogwarts by that Owl program Dumbledore set up for students who haven't returned because of the war."

It was easy to build their conversation from there, and with a little steering from James, the topic of the Auror Murders wasn't brought up again. Even if it was superficial, Lily thought it was nice. Everything was dark and twisted outside their little compartment, but for the few hours that they traveled through the countryside they were just a group of seventh years talking about classes and dreading N.E.W.T. exams.

The casual conversation was pleasant, but it filled her quota of social interaction for the day. Exhausted, Lily split from the group when they entered the Great Hall and made her way back to the Head Suite alone.

Snitch ran to greet her, curling his golden body around her leg. She stared down at him suspiciously. "Oh, are we friends now?"

His cat eyes stared up at her innocently, but Lily wasn't fooled. He was probably just lonely from the holiday. He would abandon her again as soon as his beloved James arrived. She ran a hand down his soft fur anyways before continuing to her room.

On the end of her made-up bed sat a wrapped square. It stopped Lily in her tracks.

Baker's last gift.

It seemed like a million years ago that they'd sat around the living room on Christmas. The present was bigger than an average picture frame and relatively flat, but smaller than a portrait. She approached it with caution. Not cautious of the object, but of her emotional reaction.

_Whiskey, _

_I can't believe I got you two presents, you ungrateful little wench. I'm sure you'll find a way to make it up to me. It's not on time because Tom is a real pain in the ass, but in the end my charm prevailed. As a busy fellow, I won't always be there to keep you on track. You are extraordinarily needy. I figured this is the second best thing than actually having me with you… _

Her hands shook as she pulled away the wrapping paper. She was confused at first. He'd given her a framed piece of wood? But it was only an instant later that realization flooded her. She'd spent months leaning over the exact slab at The Leaky Cauldron talking to her new friend. The wood was dark and glossy, stained from years of abuse, but the graffiti they had carved into the slab with was still distinguishable.

_7/15/1977_

_Best day of your life, Whiskey. _

The date was the first time they'd spoken and the first marking he'd inscribed. She had been livid when she caught him, convinced Tom would sack her. Her boss never noticed though, and she eventually relaxed into Baker's unorthodox timeline. She'd even joined in a few times, though her additions were mostly little sketches. The countless dates, lines, and pictures betrayed no obvious rhyme or reason.

_8/22/1977 Baker is a sore loser. _She'd added a picture of a miniature Firewhiskey bottle next to the entry. They'd played some absurd drinking game that he'd come up with and then pouted when he ended up drunker than she was.

_8-01-1977 Tom hates us. _

_Some (certain) witches can't hold their alcohol July 22,1977._

_7/29/1977 Whiskey was brave today. _

_August Fifteenth- Keep your hands to yourself! _

She gazed over the dozens of familiar entries, until she found a new one that she'd never seen before in the bottom right. He had to have made the inscription after he'd bribed Tom into letting him cut the chunk out of the bar because the date was after the attacks.

_Jan. 1__st__, 1978 _

_You are brave. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are one of a kind. _

Her fingers trailed over the glass that protected the carvings. It was proof- something more than memories to show that he existed- that he was as real as the imprint he'd left on her life. Their relationship was real and she had a record she could look at now anytime she wanted.

More than anything, she wanted to tell him how perfect it was.

Every day for the rest of the week the sun rose and the sun set, and Baker was still dead. She didn't feel normal, but she was functioning. Harvey was loads better and he seemed genuinely pleased with her return. Her life was a foggy cycle of class, duties, school work, and sometimes meals.

On January 9th, Lily woke up and immediately knew something was different about the day. It was Monday and her attendance in class was mandatory as always, but for a moment she just laid there, her hand immediately seeking the cold pane on Harvey's aquarium. Something itched at the back of her subconscious- something she was purposefully not remembering. It was something heavily stamped into her mind though, and as much as fought it in the end she could not help from remembering.

Every year on January 9th since she was a little girl, Lily left Severus Snape a flower on his birthday- a lily. It started as a fun challenge. She had tried to surprise him with the gift where he least expected it; lying innocently in his medicine cabinet, the stem tucked into his favorite book, folded into his napkin at breakfast. As she got older she had to use magic, but she'd never missed a year since they'd met. He would never tell her, but the silly little tradition made his birthday each year. She could always tell because of his abnormally flushed cheeks and the way he would pat his pocket throughout the day as if to assure himself that it was still there- that she was still real.

It turned out that January 9th was just like any other day. It was a Monday filled with going through the motions of breakfast, classes, lunch, classes, dinner. To anyone else life continued on, each day mimicking the one before. To anyone else it was just a day.

But to Lily it was the day that she let Severus Snape go once and for all. He would not find her little token in his bag or upon his trunk. He wouldn't find it because it didn't exist, just like her love.

She didn't know if she was surprised to find him looming in the corridor on her way to breakfast the next morning. Severus paced in the empty space, eyes darting in rhythm with his racing thoughts. It was the look of someone unhinged, dangerous. There was not an ounce of fear in her though as she held her head even, walking passed him as if he were nothing more than a portrait hanging on the wall.

Her indifference pushed him over the edge. "I saved you!"

The beat of her shoes tapping into the ground never broke pattern as she continued away from him. He was nothing anymore.

"I saved you!" He shouted again at her back and this time she heard the crack in his voice.

Lily stopped walking and turned to him with a cruel sneer. He did not get to cry, not while they were dead. "You didn't save me, Snape... _You_ killed them."

"It was the only way." He pleaded. She had never seen him like this. It would have been unnerving, except she could not bring herself to want to extinguish his suffering. "I had to save you."

"Did you expect me to thank you?" Her voice quivered with revulsion.

"You don't know how much I've done to keep you safe." His pale face was splotchy from emotion as he continued to beg.

"Don't." Lily's voice rang out like a resolute clap of thunder. Mustering up every bit of pain she felt, she tried to puncture him with her stiff gaze. "I would rather be dead then saved by a Death Eater."

His face went rigid, but she only caught a glimpse as she turned on her heel and continued to the Great Hall.

Thanks to Snape she was late for breakfast and she was shocked to see Sirius was the only remaining member of her friends. He was barely ever alone these days. Lily almost suspected that the Marauders had worked out some kind of schedule to keep their friend fully occupied and supervised at all times.

He looked up quickly when she sat down, but then let out a relieved breath. "Oh, it's you."

"Always the charmer, Black." She grinned as she spoke dryly. He looked rugged. His glossy hair was even longer than usual, and there were dark circles under his grey eyes.

It was nice to see him smile in return though. "I thought you were James… Don't get me wrong they're great mates-."

"The best." Lily corrected him.

"The best." He amended. "But they're driving me mad. I swear Peter followed me into the loo last night."

She hooted with laughter, drawing the attention of a few of their peers. She realized Sirius was laughing too, and for a moment she was worried what they looked like to the others. They probably thought they were terrible, laughing and cutting up while Honor was dead. She shook off the inkling. It was her grief to deal with any whatever way she wanted.

"Do you think maybe you could distract Prongs with some extra Head Boy duties or something? I can lose the other two, but James is persistent." He shoved a roll in his mouth as soon as the question was out.

"Don't they help? I can't imagine you wanting to be alone. You hate being by yourself." She pointed out. Sometimes it still surprised her that she knew so much about him. It was like an encyclopedia of Sirius in her head. What did other girls do with all the information they had stored on their ex boyfriends? At least she could still put her knowledge to work as Sirius' friend.

His eyes met hers intently. "I do need them…sometimes, but I feel like some of it I have to work out on my own. They're always trying to cheer me up which is brilliant, but every once in awhile I want to be sad…Like Honor deserves it or something. I wasn't a very good boyfriend, but I still liked her- cared about her."

Sirius needed to make peace with the situation. It would be his way of letting go. "I'll see what I can to about Potter, but if he follows me into the loo I'll curse him."

He chortled with laughter and they finished their meals in comfortable company.

"I like your hair by the way." He ruffled her smooth locks before jogging off to Quidditch practice.

The seventh years had a free period so Lily headed to the library through the chilly castle. Kat and Marley had their own table, but Lily waved at them as she passed, sitting with Piper at a back table. It was expected that Marley and Kat would bond since they were the only girls left in their dorm, and Lily was happy that they found solace with one another. Their new close friendship wasn't why the Head Girl avoided them.

Ever since she returned to Hogwarts she found herself seeking Piper's company more and more. It was easier to be with her than anyone else. There was no unspoken pity looming behind her eyes. With Piper nothing was left unsaid. Lily appreciated Kat's concern, but she didn't need her sympathy.

Piper gave her a polite nod, but kept her attention focused on her studies.

An hour later when James entered dragging along a reluctant looking Sirius, Lily was reminded of her promise to Sirius. "Er..Potter! Sirius! Over here."

The Head Boy looked up surprised, casting an alarmed glance at his best mate. It was strange breaking their unspoken agreement to never interact in front of Sirius. He wasn't the only one confused by her invitation as the two boys made their way to the table. Piper raised a speculative eyebrow in her direction.

"We're all _friends_, right?" She fought the defensive edge to her voice that tried to break through.

"Evans." James greeted them cautiously. "Prescott."

"We've got room at our table." Lily told them, making pointed eyes at Sirius.

He understood immediately and she was thankful for his position behind James or his obvious relaxation would have given them away. "Yeah, mate. You stay. I just remembered I promised to meet Remus after practice."

"I'll go with you." James insisted.

"Actually," She jumped in at Sirius' muted panic. "I was hoping you could help me with this Transfiguration essay."

The Head Boy nodded reluctantly, but cast a worried glance at Sirius who only looked relieved to be temporarily free of his babysitter. He made a swift getaway as James unloaded his books, stopping at the library door to shoot her a conspiratorial smile.

She mouthed "You welcome" as he disappeared out the door.

When all James' books were settled he cleared his throat. "I wanted to thank you again for the mirrors, Piper. I gave the other to Sirius. They're really helpful."

It was like someone suddenly clenched her stomach in their hand. Lily's breath hitched and she fought to keep her appearance unaffected. Just like James, she'd given one half of her connected mirror to her best friend. Both mirrors had burned with the Simmons' house.

Piper went back to her studies without noticing, but Lily should've known that nothing got passed James. He saw everything and her silent pain was no exception. As if his action was purely reflexive, he reached out to her clenched hand on top of the table, but at the last moment stopped and pulled away without touching her.

She checked his face, expecting to find sympathy or regret, but he wasn't even looking at her anymore. His strong handsome face was focused on Piper in a strangely determined way. "When we came on the Simmons' house we used the mirrors to communicate… Sirius ran in to try and save them, and I waited outside for the Aurors to arrive. It was how I informed Sirius that the house was about to collapse so he could get out… And it was how I let him know that-…that Evans was just arriving."

The words weren't for Piper. They were for her. It was his way of telling her that they'd thought she was in the burning house, and it upset him.

She turned to Piper too as she spoke, but again the words were not meant for the Hufflepuff. "I guess your Christmas present saved my life."

It was all too much emotion for Piper who wrinkled her face in an unpleasant way. She gave a stiff nod of her head and then went back to her essay. The Head Students followed her example, sinking into their school lives. Two more times James almost touched her accidently, and each time he stopped resolutely short.

He was thoughtful, friendly, and charming, but he refused to initiate contact. It was too bad because as he sat windblown and rosy cheeked all she could think about was touching him. She was sure it was his stupid Quidditch uniform. Why did they have to be so damn tempting?

James could offer her a unique form of comfort that would go a long way in easing her emotional turmoil. Unfortunately, he made it more than clear that was the one type of support he wasn't willing to give. Not being able to have him, only seemed to make her desire him more.

Defense Against the Dark Arts had become a daunting task, and as Lily sat in class later that week she realized that today would be no different. Her suspicions had not been dampened, but her will to openly battle Professor Crouch had. The truth was she was tired. Her emotions were drained and she just didn't have the fight that was necessary at the moment.

The problem was that no one had informed the professor that Lily was no longer interested in their game, and the older woman had zeroed in on the Head Girl like never before. She called on Lily twice as much as any of the other students and her answer had to be completely accurate or Crouch would launch into a berating fit at the Head Girl's expense.

"Interesting piece of jewelry you have there, Ms. Evans." Her brown hair was parted right down the middle in the most unflattering way as her eyes focused in on Baker's Ring of Honor that had hung permanently around Lily's neck since the day of the funeral. The professor had developed a sick pleasure at calling her least favorite student to the attention of her peers.

Lily's face flared predictably and her hand caught the gold in her hand as if to hide it from her classmates' invasive eyes. "It's private."

"The Ring of Honor, if I'm not mistaken." Crouch ignored her defense and circle her desk calmly, but Lily could see the happiness she gained from making her uncomfortable. "I wonder what you could have done to earn such high honors. I don't recall reading any articles about your valiant acts in The Daily Prophet."

Her teeth ground together in an effort to retain her composure.

"She said it was private, Professor." A stern voice broke the silence of the room and Lily immediately looked at James who sat two tables away. His focus remained on the front of the classroom where the older woman lingered.

"Of course, of course." She only looked slightly put off that James had ruined her fun for before turning to Lily again. "The only reason I mentioned it is because the Ring of Honor is rumored to be charmed with potent protection spells…. I was merely curious."

Her brown eyes hung to the ring on Lily's chest with burning intensity. It was like she took every opportunity to try and let Lily know that she wasn't ever as safe as she thought she was. It was a promise of things to come- dangers that she couldn't wait for the redhead to meet. She fed off the fear that she inflicted.

More than anything Lily wanted to show her that she wasn't afraid of her. Pulling at a lock of smooth hair for strength, she raised her head just as Professor Crouch was turning to the board to begin the lesson. "I suppose it would be best if it did hold some protection properties… that way if Hogwarts gets attacked again you won't have to worry about the guilt of abandoning innocent children as you flee just like you did last time."

An audible gasp swept the classroom as half the eyes glued to their teacher in expectation of her reaction, while the other half gaped at their Head Girl in shock.

There wasn't even a ripple in her unperturbed expression, but Lily could swear that a waver hung slightly to her words. "Detention, Ms. Evans…. And why don't we make it an even three weeks while we're at it."

She had to duck her head to hide her smile as Crouch began their lesson, feeling irrational pleasure at getting under her teacher's skin even the slightest bit. Detention was a small price to pay for the fulfillment. A letter began to write itself in her mind, letting Baker know about her brave actions.

The grin was wiped clean off her face. There would be no more letters to Baker.

Honor's empty seat at dinner that night seemed more vacant than ever. Their meal spots were kept respectively similar to the way it had been before holiday. Emmeline Vance no longer sat with them, choosing to seek the comfort of her twin brother Connor, and Marley edged down to fully commit to Kat and Lily, but otherwise things were the same. Honor's prized spot beside Sirius loomed purposefully between them as if it was merely waiting for her return.

But just like there would be no more letters to Baker, Honor Simmons would never return to take her spot with them again.

If this had taught her anything it was that grief wasn't saying goodbye once. It was a million small realizations that they were really truly irreversibly gone. The sun rose and the sun set and every day there was another farewell to be said- another day that the ones we lost would never get to have.

Her first detention for getting cheeky in DADA was the following Monday after classes. She was shocked to see a fellow seventh year also in attendance. She'd been expecting Crouch to keep it private so she could reprimand Lily without the fear of witnesses. Another surprise came when Crouch listed off a distracted list of tasks for them to complete and then left the room.

Lily turned confused to the other girl sentenced to detention. "That wasn't exactly what I was expecting."

"Just be thankful." Grace Murray passed her a cloth they were supposed to be scrubbing the classroom floor with. "Most nights she gets out of here as fast as possible, but sometimes she hangs around and well… you've met her, right?"

Lily chuckled and nodded perfectly understanding what Grace meant about their professor's unpleasantness. Grace had a mess of curly brown hair that kinked, opposed to Lily's hair which used to twirl gracefully down her back. The Ravenclaw was smart, diligent, and quiet which made it even more shocking to see her there. "You've got a lot of experience with detention with Professor Crouch?"

"Oh, yeah." Grace grinned as she began showing her seventh year counterpart the correct technique to use on the floor. "We've got a nice little system worked out at this point. I correct her teaching skills and then she makes a date with me that night so I can scrub her floors."

"Wow." Lily remarked putting very little exertion into her efforts. "I thought Crouch saved all her dreadfulness for me. It's nice to know I'm not all alone in her distaste."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I thought all the teachers were wrapped around Lovely Lily's finger." Grace's hands moved in an efficient way that came from practice, not determination. "I guess our charming professor likes to pick a student from each house to bully."

By the time their punishment was over for the night Lily's knees were aching, but Grace had made the whole experience a little more bearable with her witty insults at Crouch's expense. She also did a spot on impression where she parted her hair down the middle and sneered unattractively while berating Lily on her choice of socks. It was nice to know that she wasn't the only one who saw through Professor Crouch's supposedly helpful ways.

Grace was a nice distraction over the next week and half getting through the detentions. She wasn't always present, but more often than not she would return after a day or two with chagrin. Keeping her mouth shut just didn't seem to be her talent. Their common enemy formed a nice bonding point and Lily even invited her new comrade to the small birthday celebration Kat insisted on throwing for her.

Lily woke up on her birthday without the slightest inkling of nostalgia or sentimental attachment.

Once again the sun rose and the Simmons' had still been murdered, her parents were still dead. It was just another day like the one before it and the one that would predictably follow. Today she was eighteen, and yet her age could not be defined by the years that had passed, but instead by the people she had loved and the innocence her tragedies had stolen from her. She did not need January 30th to remind her of the path she'd been down. It was with her everyday as surely as the rising and setting sun.

"Happy birthday, Lovely!" Kat exclaimed under the shrouded morning sky of the Great Hall.

A chorus of similar greetings followed. Apparently, her friends wouldn't be operating under her blasé birthday attitude. It was nice to see everyone smiling though. Cheerfulness had become an uncomfortable emotion to deal with as time continued to distance them from the Auror Murders. Every smile was followed by a glint of doubt. Was it okay to be happy even though their friend was dead?

"Everyone kept their schedules free for tonight, right?" The petite girl brushed her black fringe away and narrowed her navy eyes at the others as if she suspected them of a crime.

"Isn't your lot due for a good prank?" The Head Girl looked hopefully to the Marauders. "Feel free to risk detention. I will completely understand if you miss the get-together."

Instantly, she regretted the comment at her old dorm mate's dejected expression. The small gathering had actually been a good distraction from the escalating war and their grief. Lily was just trying to overcome years of aversion to being the center of attention.

She sighed, but swept her face into careful expression of cheerfulness. "I'm only taking the mickey. If any of you don't show up I'll be forced to hunt you down and force your attendance."

Her faux excitement was good enough for Kat and she snapped back into her normal self easily. "Don't forget I'm coming early to set up and get ready with you."

Nodding her acceptance, she noticed a sad look Marley cast them, but didn't make an attempt to invite the blonde to join. Kat and Lily were due some alone time. They almost always sought the company of Marley and Piper instead of each other. Maybe with Lily and Kat spending time together, Marley could make an effort to see Emmeline who had just about completely disappeared from their social circle.

"Where's the butter?" Lily's eyes searched the spread for the butter dish.

She met the Head Boy's eyes vertically across the table as he was the one currently holding the small dish. He held it out to her briefly before setting it down where she could reach it, but he didn't run the risk of accidentally touching her. She wanted to look at him incredulously and say "Is that really necessary?"

He was taking this whole no contact thing a little too far. The week before she'd almost bumped into him in the Head Suite and he'd flown across the room as if she was threatening to douse him with acid. It was getting silly, and really- couldn't they just touch a little bit?

Crouch cancelled her detention at the last minute so after classes Lily headed back to her room. Kat was already there, using the blanket invitation through the Truth Mirror that Lily had given her. The pure abundance of decorations made her halt at the last step. It looked like a rainbow had thrown up all over the room. Streamers, balloons, and banners of every perceivable color covered each inch of the suite.

"Is it too much?" Kat stood in the middle of it all, staring at Lily with big vulnerable eyes.

_Yes_

"No." Lily lied. It would be mean spirited to crush all of Kat's handwork with her words. "I thought you promised that this was going to be a small intimate gathering."

She giggled, sashaying around a grouping of balloons that littered the ground. "Of course. I just got a little keen with the embellishments. Small intimate gatherings can be festive, you know."

The redhead made a face in reply, but kept her mouth shut ducking under a "Happy 18th!" banner that hung across her door.

"Hullo, Harvey." Lily whispered to her pet, breezing across the room to his aquarium. She'd thought he was over his sickness, but she'd started to notice that he was still a bit peaky. Anything was an improvement from before holiday, but she was making a point to keep an attentive eye on him.

"Alright, that's enough time with the reptile." Kat's face wrinkled with distaste. She didn't exactly understand Lily's love for the little green creature. "Start getting ready while I wait for Potter to get back from the kitchens… What's his deal anyways? He actually offered to do whatever he could to help me for the part- I mean- small intimate gathering. Are you friends now or something?"

She shrugged, hoping it would be enough to dismiss Kat's curiosity. Thankfully, the smaller girl was distracted by the upcoming event and she shooed Lily into the bathroom without another word.

In the shower she contemplated James' changes since holiday. He was being her friend, and it wasn't even in a fake pity way. He'd proven it time and time again over the past month, standing up for her, being supportive, and even going out of his way to try and make her happy. It was what she had wanted- for him to be able to be her friend even if he couldn't get over his guilt about Sirius.

So why wasn't she satisfied? It wasn't like her to be greedy, but with James there was never enough. She'd wanted him to want to be her friend, and now that she had gotten her wish, she craved his touch. When did it end? It was selfish.

He had this distorted idea that he loved her. It wasn't love between them though. She could see how he would misunderstand the symphony of emotions that encased them. She cared for him deeply, lusted after him with a burning passion, and wanted him to be happy, but that didn't mean they were in love. It meant they were teenagers.

Love wasn't supposed to make James feel the way he did with so much anger and hate. Love was easy. It was control. To love someone was to need them. James didn't need her just as Lily didn't need him.

Once she was clean Kat directed her to sit on the floor while she plaited her hair. The plait chased down half of the part of her hair and left the rest of her dark hair straight and glossy.

Kat's eyes were focused as she put the finishing touches on Lily's hairstyle. "I feel like a real prat for not getting you a present yet."

"There is one thing you could give me actually…" She spoke with sly longing, hoping to ensnare her friend. "It won't even cost you a Knut."

Kat jumped at the opportunity, eager to please. "What is it?"

"You can tell me what exactly has been going on between you and Lupin for the past couple of months."

"Oh, Merlin." Kat huffed shocked with a twinge of irritation. "How long have you known?"

"I don't know anything right now that's why I'm asking you." She shot back with a grin.

Breaking away from the birthday girl quickly, Kat went to her wardrobe and began fingering the garments in a mission to find Lily the perfect outfit. She spoke as she worked and Lily could understand that sometimes it was easier to say things without looking someone in the face. "I hate you wasted your birthday present. There really is much to tell. I fancy him, but it turns out I'm just a ruddy pillock because he doesn't feel the same way."

"What do you mean he doesn't fancy you back?" Lily asked confused. That wasn't the vibe she had gotten from Remus at all. "He told you that?"

"Well, no." She admitted, laying out a pretty top that she'd purchased at Maureen's Cupboard for Stylish Witches over the summer. "But I've made it perfectly clear how I feel about him. I thought I knew how he felt about me too, but it's like we're stuck. All he has to do is push over the edge of something more and he just… won't."

Pulling on the green shirt Kat picked for her, she kept her attention focused on her friend. "Why are you waiting on him to take things further? Maybe he's waiting on you to make the first move."

"Do you really think so?" Her brow furrowed like she'd never considered that as a possibility.

"You know Remus. He's shy. I can't see him making a move without absolute positivity that you'd be receptive to it." Lily answered practically.

"So what? I should just jump on him and demand a good hard shag?" She brushed her black fringe out of her eyes.

"Maybe start with a kiss and work your way up." Lily checked her reflection in the vanity mirror one last time.

Music floated under her door mingling with voices of the crowd that had come to celebrate her eighteenth birthday. Kat gave her sheepish smile as they entered the fray of the 'small intimate gathering.' This was a full blown shenanigan. She wouldn't lie and say it didn't make her happy to see that so many friends had made the effort to come celebrate with her though. Grace was the only missing face.

No matter how hard she tried, Lily couldn't soak in the festive atmosphere. She was an outsider looking in at the fun and not even her bright smiles could convince her otherwise. It was being alone surrounded by people who loved her- the very worst kind of loneliness. There really wasn't a use for the crowd if she was going to be in solitude anyways, or at least that's what she told herself as she snuck out the door into the courtyard.

People probably thought the weather was too chilly for the outdoors, but the courtyard was charmed at a comfortable temperature. She sighed heavily when the door clicked open behind her, thinking she'd ruined the secret to her isolation. Turning to her guest, she met familiar hazel eyes and when James did not speak she lifted her head up to gaze at the stars overhead. He'd obviously followed her and he'd share whatever it was he came to say in his own time.

She wasn't alone anymore. His presence filled up the courtyard and poured into her chest. They were silent for so long that Lily forgot to worry.

Finally, he stepped closer and it set her heart racing with the force of an angry locomotive. His breath tickled her cheek as he whispered. "Happy birthday, Lily."

And then he touched her for the first time in what seemed like forever.

Soft lips that were intent of grazing her skin wrenched away from her eventually, but the damage had been done. Like lightening, shocks raced from the spot where he'd kissed her cheek and her body was scorched by fire.

He was gone just as quickly as his lips without even disturbing the quiet they'd preserved.

Why did it hurt so badly? This pain was irrational. The only thing worse than being so close to him without being able to have him completely was when he left her alone like this. It was true, deep loneliness.

She sank down to the ledge of the fountain, fighting the sadness that threatened to choke her from the inside out.

"Lily?" A new voice questioned cautiously. "Are you okay?"

Startled by the invasion her head jerked up. Callum wobbled uncertainly inside the door, like he didn't know if he should be there or not.

She opened her mouth to tell him that she was fine. The words were prepared and thought out in her mind. For a moment she thought that nothing would come out at all and then something much worse broke through the surface with a great heaving wave.

She sobbed, leaking all her vulnerabilities for him to see. He had every right to turn away from her and leave her to the misery that assaulted her. After all, she'd left him at the Christmas Ball without a word. There was no telling what he thought of her, and she probably deserved worse.

When he wrapped his arms comfortingly around her, she only cried harder because Callum was too good for her. Even at the honest thought, she still buried her head deeper in his chest. She was too weak to deny his comfort at the moment.

"Tell me what's wrong, Lily." His voice murmured softly in her ear.

She was too weak to deny him that either, and before she knew it the horrible truth was pouring out with her tears. It was strange to say the words out loud again, but also terribly therapeutic as she was released from being the only person alive besides James who knew about what had happened between them. Callum was a good listener. He wasn't even mad, but that could have something to do with her hysterics. There weren't many blokes who would berate an already crying girl.

"I don't think it's healthy to hold all of that inside." Callum remarked softly, squeezing her tighter to him when her tears finally subsided.

She rapidly wiped at her cheeks, hoping she didn't look completely atrocious. "I can't believe I just told you all that…"

"Your best mate just died, Lovely." He said to her gently. "You had to know that if you held all of your feelings inside that eventually they'd find a way out."

Now that her vision was clear she could make out the dark circles under Callum's eyes. He looked skinnier too. It reminded her that she wasn't the only one living in a world of fear and stress. Honor's spot on words about her selfishness pricked at her heart painfully. "You used to date Honor, didn't you? I've been dreadful. I should have made sure you were okay."

"It wasn't anything serious like that. I was sad to hear that she'd passed, but you didn't owe me any sort of special condolence. We were friends… but she was sort of a pain in the ass. Is that okay to say about the dead?" His chuckle lightened the serious subject matter.

She grinned in return. "I said some really terrible things to Honor before she died, and I never got the chance to apologize. It made me feel like I owed her something, like she should be remembered as this perfect person… But you're right. Honor was a lot of good things… but she could be a real bitch too and to remember her otherwise doesn't do her memory justice. She should be remembered as the whole person she was, not just the good parts."

Callum agreed and a thoughtful silence took them. She vowed to be a better friend to him. Once she had thought that something could happen between them, but she knew now that it would never be like that, especially after she'd confessed her affair with James. She would never have that passion she felt for James with him, and he'd never be Baker.

There would never be another Baker. He was one of kind.

But for the moment, she was just content to not be alone- to have someone to share with.

And tomorrow the sun would rise and the sun would set.

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**Author's Note:** _I can happily say that I am uploading this chapter on MY VERY OWN internet! I cannot express how much I have missed having access whenever I want. Hopefully, this will increase my updates, but I'm not making any promises. Considering my strenuous word counts, I think I'm a pretty decent updater as it is. _

Things to keep in mind while reviewing (the downfall of long chapters is things from the beginning sometimes get forgotten about):

Baker's last gift

Petunia's behavior/ultimatum

Ring of Honor

Snape's Birthday

Lily's mourning

The symbolism of the sun throughout the chapter

_And, of course, as I always say- this would not be a story without your helpful, encouraging, thoughtful reviews. Thank you. _

**The Behind the Scenes will be updated today, so check it out, but pretty please don't forget to review. I'd love to hear what you think about all my little facts too. Is there anything that surprises you? **

One more thing and then I'll shut up. I can't believe I am even considering this, but I've had some pm's and reviews asking about a possible follow up story when L&T is complete that focuses on the next generation (meaning the trio's children). I've got a pretty solid plot building in my head and I'm thinking I would love to focus on Harry's youngest child and only daughter, Lily Luna Potter. My question is what are the best ships for Lily Luna? I have some thoughts on the matter, but I'd love to hear what you guys think. Anyone interested?


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or the Aftertime series (in which one scene was inspired by) and I'm not making any money- just a fan and aspiring writer trying to hone my craft.

**Previously:** Grace Murray and Lily are both targeted by Professor Crouch, and end up bonding over their mutual loathing of the DADA teacher in a two week detention span. Lily liked Grace so much she invited her to her "small intimate" birthday gathering, but Grace didn't show up. Kat finally opened up her feelings for Remus and when she tells Lily that she doesn't feel the crush is mutual, Lily encouraged her to make the first move, seeing as Remus is far too shy to take the initiative. Harvey, her pet turtle, isn't in the best health only adding to the stress of life. Callum Palmer came on strong at the beginning of the year, but after an awkward first date and uncomfortable kiss from lust potion their friendship fizzled. They were making progress when Lily asked him to be her date to the Christmas ball, but then James' confession of love and Baker's arrival kept them apart all night. So when Lily had a breakdown at her birthday party she couldn't have been more surprised when it was Callum there, listening to her confession about her affair with James. Remus feeling guilty for Lily and Sirius split, confessed his lycanthropy to Lily wanting her to understand that his best mate was not purposefully keeping secrets from her. Baker's White Cloak partner gave Lily his Ring of Honor because he "loved her best." James told Lily she was pathetic last year and set off a chain reaction of events that neither of them could have ever predicted.

**Chapter Fourteen**

**The Forgotten**

Grace Murray was gone.

Disappeared in the middle of the night without a word from what Lily had heard. It had been the talk of the Ravenclaw common room according to Callum.

"What are the professors doing?" She asked him as they arranged their parchment before History of Magic. Callum had returned to his proper seat beside her and she was happy to see that their camaraderie from the night before had spilled into normal life. She'd felt better waking up than she had since before the Auror Murders. Even Harvey had an extra jazz to his waddle this morning. Grace's mysterious whereabouts where quickly becoming a huge blemish on her nice day though.

Callum shrugged. The blue jumper he wore contrasted nicely with his dark curls, but did nothing for the new almost sickly complexion of his skin. "What is there to do? There was no struggle and some of her possessions were missing. She probably just left."

Professor Binns' infamously monotonous lecture left her to think over the situation.

Not that they had been best mates or anything, but she'd spent a lot of quality time with Grace over the past two weeks in detention. If she was planning to suddenly leave Hogwarts wouldn't she have mentioned it? It just didn't make sense. Grace had even accepted her invitation to the party last night. That didn't seem like the actions of someone saying goodbye.

"I appreciate your concern, Ms. Evans." Professor McGonagall sat primly, staring across her desk at the Head Girl. Lily had sought out the Head of Gryffindor to try and gain some perspective on the Ravenclaw's sudden departure. "The matter was fully investigated. I commend your inquisitive spirit, but there is nothing sinister amiss, I assure you."

And that was all she would say about the matter, which only made Lily more suspicious. It was impossible to just get up and walk out of Hogwarts in the middle of the night! To consider it was almost completely ridiculous. And if she'd really left under her own prerogative then why not tell someone? Why sneak out in the dark of night without even a note to her friends?

"But why would the professors try and cover it up?" Kat reasoned after Lily dragged the subject up for the millionth time since Grace's disappearance two weeks before.

It was unseasonably warm for the middle of February and the girls were making good use of the clear sky, bringing a blanket out on the lawn to do their homework. They were still wrapped in coats, but the sun's warmth kept them comfortable despite the chill. It was just the two of them. Lily had noticed Kat putting in more of effort to preserve their friendship even as she got closer with Marley.

The redhead struggled against her long hair as gust of wind whipped around them. It only added to her irritation of Kat's very reasonable question. She made good point, but Lily didn't want to hear it. She couldn't rationalize the feeling in her gut. Her instincts were demanding attention to the matter.

Sensing a way to put the conversation away once and for all, Kat jumped in again at her lack of response. "If something was happening to the students, the teachers would be the first ones to want to figure it out. Students are getting pulled out left and right. The professors are always going on about how Hogwarts is really the safest place for anyone to be right now, and how the risk lies outside the castle walls."

"Exactly!" A theory was building in her mind as quick as spider weaving its web. "If they admit that Grace was kidnapped or…something else then it would cause a huge panic. Everyone but the muggleborns would be forced to leave by their parents. The professors are sweeping it under the rug because they think it's for the best interest of the majority! Hogwarts gets to stay open and fewer students are endangered."

The raven haired girl remained thoroughly unconvinced, twisting her face in a doubtful expression. "I'm sorry, Lovely, but this paranoia is getting ridiculous. Who would want to hurt Grace Murray? Everyone thought she was clever and witty. You know as well as I do that Death Eaters can't get into Hogwarts. If they could then we would both be dead."

"I still think I should talk to Dumbledore. It's my job as Head Girl to look out for the good of school." Kat's logical point had soured her again, and instead of pushing their conversation forward, ensuring a row, she changed the subject. "Gotten any good hard shags lately?"

Kat blushed as Lily used her words. Remus was the only person who could cause her to flush with embarrassment. Her hands busied with her things, refusing to meet the emerald eyes that peered at her expectantly. "I was going to talk to him… Things just keep getting in the way and it's not exactly the easiest subject to broach, you know. 'Hey, Lupin. I fancy you. Care for a snog?' It's all terribly mortifying."

"I'll just go and inform the Hufflepuffs you've decided to transfer then." Lily remarked, flipping her hair in a careless swing. "Why not scrounge up a little of that Gryffindor courage? I've seen you face much scarier things. Remember that time you helped Evie clean out her trunk? Now that was terrifying."

She could not stop her smile at Lily's teasing. "Confessing my feelings for a bloke is a little different than fighting off Noggers nesting in hair potions."

"I'll make you a deal." She appealed to Kat's pushy side. She could never pass up an opportunity to butt-in Lily's life. "If you do something brave…I will too."

Her expression was skeptical. "Finally taking the initiative and snapping up the delicious Callum Palmer? If I didn't know how frightfully attached you are to that blasted miniature reptile then I would suspect you were training Palmer as a new pet. Give him a collar and I'd surely mistake him for a puppy the way he follows you around."

"I don't exactly have a courageous act in mind right now." Lily admitted, ignoring her jab. "I'll make sure to make it as big and embarrassing as possible just for you though."

A mischievous grin overtook her face, telling her the answer even before Kat spoke. "Deal."

Their agreement was still splashing around her mind that night as she lounged in the Head Suite. James had continued his quest of being friendly while hammering up impenetrable walls to keep them from getting 'too' friendly. The brief peck on her birthday remained their only contact since school began and she couldn't help from testing his resolve, putting herself in his path as often as she could. It was as if she was daring him to break.

Just before sunset he attempted his swift escape. Trying to be as carefree as possible, she stepped in front of him as if to engage him in casual conversation. His immediate half step back would have amused her if she wasn't so offended. She was starting to suspect he'd found some rare charm that repelled his body from her, like the backs of two magnets.

"Going for a nice stroll around the grounds?" Her smile was strained with excessive cheer.

Like a dear finding itself in an arrow's crosshairs, his eyes widened realizing he was nearing a trap. James was no skittish animal though and his face masked almost instantly with cool indifference. "Precisely. I'll just be going then."

Predicting his attempt to step around her she went left, but it had only been a feint as carefully maneuvered as his Quidditch tactics and she had no choice but to watch him go without looking like a complete loon by chasing after him. It was like just as she could see the visible distance growing between them, she could feel it too. "Rather dangerous to be taking a walk under a full moon, Potter."

He turned back to her, hand ruffling away at his hair. It was a good sign. He was nervous.

Lily took a step toward him across the almost half a room that separated them. Apparently, there was no amount of distance large enough to satisfy his requirement. He took a step back as if she'd suddenly invaded his personal space. "Take me with you."

Choking on his disbelief, he could barely speak at her request. His uncaring charade was broken as his eyes burned with anger and something else she couldn't quite put her finger on. "Are you mad? You do realize that werewolves aren't fluffy little animals to coo your amusement at? If you're expecting that sweet, gentle Remus Lupin wouldn't rip your head off under a full moon then you're seriously confused."

"Obviously, it's safe if you lot go every month." She pointed out, but felt stupid and shamed by his outburst. Without the slightest crack in his resolve, he didn't even have to speak to let her know there was no chance he'd take her. His unwavering stance told her everything she needed to know.

Suddenly she was in sixth year all over again, watching Sirius slip away while she smiled and acted like it didn't bother her. There had been some sort of unspoken truce between them. James might see her as pathetic, but he was never the one that made her that way. He'd been the only one to ever tell her that it wasn't okay to push her happiness away to please others, but not this time. For the first time it was James leaving her behind, not trusting her and not including her.

He read all of these emotions across her face as easily as he could pick up one of the books that lined the walls. Her eyes were traitorous creatures, giving away secrets to anyone who took the time to look. She would've given anything to be more like James with his stoic loyal face.

A grimace shivered down his features, but it felt like a victory. "Meet me here Saturday night."

"But it won't be a full moon anymore."

"Just come." He sighed heavily and left without another word.

The next night Lily made her dutiful weekly trip to the Gryffindor common room. Spending her one free night from detention fulfilling a Head duty made her sulky, but she wouldn't mind the company. There was something comfortingly familiar about the bustle of her peers surrounded by red and gold. The only problem was getting a good spot that was reclusive enough to get through your schoolwork without distractions, and she'd solved that problem by skipping dinner so she could arrive early to steal her favorite hidden nook.

The portrait swung open to reveal the instant Kat stepped forward, pressed her toes into the floor, and raised her lips to Remus'. They didn't notice her entrance to the otherwise abandoned common room, and Lily only had time to take a tentative step backwards to leave them to their moment before Remus took Kat by her slim arms and wrenched away from her. Horrified, Kat stepped back with shocked, wide eyes and a hand covering her mouth. She looked so small, so innocent- really just like a doll. The couple stood frozen, staring at one another for the briefest of seconds and then with a stifled cry, Kat fled her brutal rejection, darting up the stairs to her dormitory like an injured baby bird. Unlike the last time Lily had accidentally poached on a private minute between her two friends she could not remain silent.

"You- you… You dolt!" She was glad the other Marauders were not here to witness her less than stellar insult, but she just so mad for Kat. A rapid indignation in her friend's defense did not mean that her brain had caught up with her quite yet. The shock of Kat's kiss and Lily's sudden appearance seemed to be stalling Remus' brain, but it didn't stop her rant from coming. "What the bloody hell did you do that for? Everyone with eyes can see you fancy each other!"

He finally found his voice even if it was full of stumbling uncertainty. "There's more to it than that."

"Oh, bugger off!" She declared with gallant irritation. "If this is some stupid martyr codswallop then save it. Do you have any idea how hard it was for her to put herself out there like that? And you just rejected her! She wasn't asking you to marry her, Remus. You're allowed to have love in your life too, you know."

She turned and stomped away without even bothering to acknowledge the other Marauders who had entered at some point during her seething declarations, not even James' appearance stirred emotion. Her pace was hurried up the steps, wanting to get to Kat and also away from Remus before she said something she regretted.

Bursting into her old dorm room, she was momentarily taken aback by the changes to the room she'd moved into as eleven year old. There were only two beds now and no matter how many posters they hung on the walls it didn't help the room from feeling strangely lonely and isolated.

Kat was perched on the edge of her bed. Lily would have felt better if she was crying or even vengeful. It was impossible to predict someone's actions or needs if she couldn't read their emotions. And at the moment, Kat looked completely emotionless.

"He doesn't deserve you." She wrapped an arm her tiny frame. "And if it's this hard it's not even worth it. Love is supposed to be easy."

Kat looked at her with confusion. "You think it's _easy _for anyone to be in love? It's about loving someone enough to take the risk. That's kind of the whole point, Lily."

She didn't want to disagree with her in her fragile state so she changed the subject, rattling on about innate things that didn't matter. Kat remained disengaged- not even pretending to pay attention to her clichéd comments about other fish in the sea and being better off single. Kat's face grew paler and paler until she eventually blurted out what was ailing her. "It's because I'm a bad snog."

"What?" Lily asked taken aback by her sudden outburst.

Kat's face was distraught as she finally initiated eye contact. "What if that's why Remus didn't want me? -Because I'm a ghastly kisser. You know I've only ever kissed that one boy and I don't know if it really even counted since I had that glass of elf wine before. Oh Merlin, what if he tells the others? I'm some kind of inexperienced freak and the whole school's going to-."

She kissed Kat square on the mouth just to disperse her irrational fears. After all, how could she claim to be a bad at something if she had proof from a source that she wasn't? It had seemed like the sensible thing to do at the time. But what Lily could have never predicted was the Marauders all barging in as the two girls locked lips.

The boys simultaneously gaped with similar awed expressions caressing their features.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there a little charm on the stairway that should prevent this from ever happening?" The Head Girl squeaked. She had no idea why it was the first thing that popped into her mind. Blame it on the stuck up rule follower that lived inside of her.

"Kick the second step backwards and then jump over the sixth." Remus commented still looking as distractedly mesmerized as the rest.

Sirius' voice was thick and his eyes glazed. "We've known about it since fourth year."

"Of course, you have." She laughed dryly before turning unconcerned back to her friend. "And you're wrong about the other thing… Very nice actually."

A blush and a smile both took Kat's face hostage.

"Look, Kat." Remus began, shaking off his fog before his friends. Actually, Lily noticed that Peter seemed to have slipped into some sort of standing coma and she was a little worried he might not ever recover. "I was just shocked. You've no idea how much I've wanted to kiss you and I'm a right prat for ruining it… If you'll have me I'd like to try it again."

He'd slowly made his way to her as he spoke and this time when their lips touched he did the opposite of pushing her away. He embraced her in the most innocently passionate kiss Lily had ever seen. Without even meaning to, her eyes found James across the room. What she wouldn't give to have him kiss her again. Why did he have to make it into something it wasn't? It would be so much easier to remain in their bubble free of emotions. They could just be two friends fulfilling a need for the other.

She watched his handsome face strain to focus on the scene in front of him. He wanted to look at her too. Deep down inside, beyond all his delusions of love, he still desired her in the basic way she wished to indulge. All she needed was a touch, a kiss, a fulfillment to the burning need that nagged her. It wouldn't be that hard to coerce him into giving it to her.

Her mind set on her new mission.

She was going to seduce the Head Boy.

Unfortunately her plans were going to have to wait because the next night she had detention with the charming Professor Crouch. Her three week long punishment had ended the previous Tuesday, but it hadn't taken long to continue scheduling their little dates as she found it nearly impossible to keep her mouth shut under the professor's critical eye and scolding tongue. Lily thought she might be setting a record for most detentions served by a Head Girl.

Professor Crouch didn't even bother to look up at Lily's entrance, keeping her concentration on the essays she sliced through with a swift quill. It gave Lily the opportunity to get in a good glare at the older woman's dull brown head before beginning her familiar work on the classroom's floors. The silence ticked by only timed by the increasing burn in her arm muscles. When it became unbearable she dropped the rag and massaged her cramping hands.

"Not such fun when you don't have your little mate to waste time with." Crouch's powerful voice startled Lily, breaking the quiet with a sudden burst.

Lily met her hateful gaze and got the feeling she'd been staring at Lily with distaste for some time while she worked. At Grace's mention, swirling dread filled her. She could only stare back at the professor caught off guard by the awareness of Crouch's hatred of her student and her subsequent disappearance. Why hadn't she suspected Crouch before?

When she never rose to the bait, the teacher narrowed her unfortunate brown eyes. "Get back to work."

Lily did as she commanded, letting her mind cram with theories and possibilities. It was just too much to dismiss anymore. She had to act.

After she'd been dismissed from detention she hurried across the cold castle to the Headmaster's office. Even if he brushed off her knowledge, at least he would know. At least someone would know if Lily's fate was the same as Professor Crouch's other least favorite student.

"Ms. Evans." It wasn't the wise professor she was looking for though. Professor McGonagall exited by the gargoyle just as Lily arrived. "If you are looking for Headmaster Dumbledore I regret to inform you of his absence. However, I'm happy to help if there's anything I can do."

She sighed regretfully. She would have much preferred to bring up her suspicions with Dumbledore, but Professor McGonagall would have to work. It felt utterly important to share her information. "It's about Grace Murray."

"Not this nonsense again, Evans." Her sharp eyes drilled into the younger woman. "The Headmaster is well aware of Ms. Murray's departure. Now I suggest you head back to your dorm. It's almost curfew."

Lily opened her mouth.

"I don't want to hear about this again, Ms. Evans. If you put half as much thought into not getting detention as you did Grace Murray then I wouldn't have to listen to Professor's Crouch complaints every day." She cut off the Head Girl briskly and then turned on her heel heading in the opposite direction.

The next morning Lily's luck didn't improve as she lingered in the Head Suite bathroom, hoping to catch James' attention in nothing but a thin white towel, but he didn't even glance at her as he did his business. Just as the Transfiguration Professor had promised, Dumbledore's spot was resolutely empty the next morning. It didn't look at all out of the place and she began to wonder how often his absence went unnoticed. She could barely remember seeing him at all this term. It hadn't seemed odd at the time. After all didn't he have much more important things to be seeing to than meals, like vanquishing a Dark Lord?

She collapsed into her seat beside Callum in History of Magic later that day, weighed down by all her thoughts. "Say, Palmer, you're a bloke. If a girl was trying to get your attention what would be the best way of going about it?"

He made a disgruntled face.

"Alright, so maybe our friendship isn't quite to that level." She smiled raising her hands in mock surrender. "I've got another one for you… If you were going to leave Hogwarts who would you tell?"

"My family." He shrugged as if it was obvious. The more she learned about Callum the more she began to understand the deep loyalty and love that he felt for his sisters. They were an extremely close family and he felt very protective of the four girls, even the ones that were older than he was. It was an admirable quality. "And probably my closest friends."

"Who were Grace Murray's friends? You must have known. There aren't that many seventh year Ravenclaws." She latched onto the idea. Talking to Grace's friends seemed like an excellent way to get a closer look at her life.

"Er… She was kind of friends with everyone. I don't recall a specific best mate or anything like that, but I'm sure she was close with her dorm mates."

But she didn't get a chance to talk to the other Ravenclaw girls the rest of the day and soon her attention was turned back James. He was as sly as a snitch eluding a Seeker, always sliding out of her grasp. Saturday loomed before them though- the promise of alone time. She had no idea what they were going to do, but she assumed it had something to do with Remus' monthly transformation. Perhaps he'd show her how they remained unharmed when he'd nearly had a heart attack at the suggestion she joined them.

She met him exactly where he'd asked in their common room that Saturday night. Dressing warmly but with care of her appearance, she waited for his arrival. Far too eager to be spending time with him, a huge smile hugged her face when he showed himself, the Invisibility Cloak slung over his arm. James looked gruff and strained. A smattering of hair shadowed his cheeks and frown.

"We'll have to use the cloak since we're going out of bounds." The shiny cloth was awkward in his hands as he approached her slowly as if he was giving her the chance to run or perhaps deciding whether he should scarper.

A familiar sense of warmth wrapped around them under the Invisibility Cloak and she could not help from using every step to brush against him. He was careful with the space between them, but as they made their way out onto the lawn Lily had amble opportunity to steal bumps and touches from his sturdy form. Each seemingly accidental caress jolted her with teasing shocks, echoing throughout her body. She couldn't even focus on their destination. Well, not until he led her right into the Forbidden Forest.

Her feet, which moments ago had been his willing followers, now dragged with reluctance. "Potter, I don't know-."

But he wrapped his hand around hers and she was silenced. Heat traveled from their interlocked fingers, oozing up her arm and spreading through her chest until she was almost drunk from the contact. There were no more hesitant words uttered as she daydreamed about what she was sure was about to happen. He had to feel it too. There was no way this electricity was restricted to her and if he felt even half of what she felt when they touched there was no way he would be able to resist her any longer.

A heavy shrubbery impeded them and she lowered her head to keep the hairy branches from pulling at the newly healed skin of her cheeks. When her eyes readjusted, they were standing in a small clearing lined with trees. Dirt and spongy moss spread out under her feet, and a moist flavor in the air tickled her nose. It reminded her of the little woods near her old home and she guessed there was probably a little creek or pond nearby.

The biggest black dog she had ever seen met her eyes across the clearing and she realized that James had yanked off the Invisibility Cloak with such graceful ease that she hadn't even noticed. Fearful, she immediately took a step back from the animal, but James had already moved away, turning into the backside of a magnet once again.

"Padfoot." Remus scolded with a half smile as she took in her other friend for the first time. He stood close to the enormous black creature without alarm. As always after his monthly sickness, his hair was messy, skin pale, and eyes tired. "He won't hurt you, Lily."

She had relaxed long before he spoke though. Other than the dog's intimidating size, she felt no menace or ill will from the animal. Embarrassingly, all she felt was disappointment. There would be no reconciliation with James tonight. The emotion was easily replaced with curiosity. "What's going on here?"

The prefect looked toward her partner briefly, before releasing a deep sigh of acceptance. Remus' thin hand grasped the soft looking fur of the dog. "James said you were curious how they stayed with me during the full moon and we decided that you should know the truth. We wouldn't want you to try and figure it out on your own…We don't need that again."

The dog whined as Remus suddenly released his comforting hold. Even though Lily could not see James slipping away behind her, she could feel it with the strange sixth sense of awareness she'd developed. She didn't speak, even when Remus remained silent, understanding that they'd planned this and it was best to let it play out. Something rustled in the leaves by Remus' feet and she had to narrow her eyes to make out the little brown creature in the moonlight. It was a rat and just like the dog, it stared at her with unnatural concentration.

Without looking she felt James reenter the clearing behind her, and just as she was about to grow irritated with the slow process, he walked right passed her. A gasp splintered her lips and she quickly snatched her hand to cover the slip. The last thing she wanted was for them to think she couldn't handle this.

It was just the most bizarre sensation of _knowing _James was there, and seeing a majestic four legged animal in his place. But still, she knew without a doubt that it was James. She could feel it just as she had felt him slip into the woods only moments prior.

"They're Animagi." Her fellow human spoke and he gestured his hand across the animals that lined up on either side of him. "It allows them to stay with me when I change… You have to understand that we have to keep this a secret, Lovely. If the ministry were to find out, they could be sent to Azkaban."

An insulted leak threatened to break the dam of her emotions. She would never betray their trust.

The stag stomped its hoof into the ground, easily reading her feelings and urging Remus to continue.

"We know that you would never do anything to hurt us. It was just a secret that we decided to keep within the Marauders." He hastily picked up on her reaction.

She couldn't blame him for not knowing this only hurt her worse. Why couldn't they see that she was one of them? –That she belonged with them too. It was a pain she squished, refusing to let her long standing insecurities ruin this carefully earned trust. She took a step forward, cautious at first, before reaching them at a normal pace.

Breezing passed the stag she barely remarked. "Potter."

Ignoring the dirt that stained her tights, she got down on the rat's level, holding a gentle hand to him. He nudged forward eagerly, letting her fingertip trail over his head. Her mind snapped with connections and answers to a plethora of Marauder mysteries. "Not very original are they Peter? Honestly, Wormtail for a rat?"

Jealous of the attention, Remus chuckled when the dog barreled over to her and left a slobbery line up her face with a well aimed lick. She glared at the animal. "Don't look so chuffed, Padfoot… Though I suppose it's a sight better than 'Muttail'."

Still wiping the saliva from her face, she was caught unaware when Sirius knocked her over and placed his two front paws on her shoulders, licking her face all over. She squealed with laughter trying to knock him off and almost squished Peter. The rat scampered off into the woods as his friend continued to playfully harass the Head Girl. The stoic stag observed them for a moment longer before following the rat.

This was a side of Sirius she hadn't seen since sixth year. Maybe it was easier for him to block out all the other things they were _supposed _to feel around each other, and just accept the effortless bond between them in this form. She didn't know if there had ever been a more perfect animal for an Animagus than Sirius's. He was such a dog at heart- loyal, playful, and happy. Plus, it was as easy as waving a shiny new toy or activity in front of his face to distract him.

"We should be getting back." James stood at their entrance point, purposeful not staring at her and Sirius who were still engaged on the ground. Peter was no longer an animal either, but he'd reentered to stand with Remus.

Her ex-boyfriend's current dog form jumped up eagerly, wagging his tail spastically. She untangled her legs and stood up, pulling debris from her hair and clothes. Patting Padfoot on the head lovingly, she followed James', happiness tucking her lips into a grin.

The five of them split in the entrance hall and the three boys were left with nothing but their wits to get them back to the Gryffindor common room undetected. James and Lily were protected by his cloak and if she thought that the night's revelation would dampen her desire, she was dead wrong. She was dirty, she smelled, and her feet dragged with exhaustion, but if the Head Boy would have so much as looked at her she would have forgotten it all to press up against him with wanton need.

He didn't though, and Lily was left alone in her bed with only Harvey for company.

She didn't even bother with clothes the next few mornings, prancing about their lavatory starkers. When he never made an appearance her resolve only strengthened. He would give into her eventually.

"I would like you to explain once more why we are stalking the Ravenclaws." Piper demanded in a barely curious voice. The two girls were lingering purposefully outside the loo on the second floor where Lily had just spotted one of Grace Murray's dorm mates entering.

The redhead bristled. "You're so quick to jump to the stalking conclusion. We're just…waiting. I want to have a quick chat with her is all."

The blonde nodded suddenly uninterested and her face misted over with careful indifference. At first when she did that Lily had worried she was boring her new friend, but it hadn't taken long to realize that it was just part of Piper's personality. If she was bored she'd let Lily know, and mostly she just chose to be in the Head Girl's company no matter how menial task.

"Wotcher, Evans." The girl who Lily could only identify as a Ravenclaw greeted when she stepped in her path.

"Hello, Thompson." Lily hadn't noticed Piper kick off the wall to join her until she saved her from having to come up with a name.

The ginger haired girl's eyes darted between the Head Girl and prefect uncertainly. "Am I in trouble?"

"I just wanted to ask you about Grace. Did you notice anything strange going on before she disappeared?" Lily asked eagerly.

Confusion captured the Ravenclaw as her orange eyebrows raised. "I already talked to Professor McGonagall. Did something happen? Because Grace was friendly and everything, but we weren't exactly close. She wasn't really close with anyone. I was sorry I couldn't help and explain why she decided to leave."

"You think she left?" Lily's question was unintentionally sharp.

"Of course, she left. Why else would she just disappear in the middle of the night?" Again Thompson's features were filled with obvious ignorance. "It wasn't like I was privy to her every thought and action, but she'd definitely been getting anxious lately. She was all jumpy. Not that I was expecting her to up and leave, but it wasn't the biggest surprise ever. I went to bed that night and Grace was gone just like always tutoring. When I woke up the next morning, she was gone."

Opening her mouth to shove another question at her, the girl stopped her. "Look, I already spoke to McGonagall. I don't like talking about this. It's upsetting. If you don't mind I'd like to go to class now."

Lily had no choice but to nod her consent. She couldn't hold her hostage. It wasn't new information anyways. Everyone seemed convinced that Grace Murray really had just left. So why was she holding onto this so tightly? Was it possible her desire to pin something on Crouch was clouding her judgment? If it wasn't for the gentle nagging from her intuition she could have let the whole thing drop.

With dread Lily said goodbye to Piper and made her way to Defense Against the Dark Arts. She snuck in just before Crouch would have the option of marking her late and kept her head down as she took an empty seat in the back beside Kat. The first thing that told her something was different was the bright and excited way her old dorm mate was holding her face. It wasn't unusual to see Kat in such bright spirits now that she and Remus were slowly becoming a real couple, even though it was kept secret save for those who knew them best. What was strange was that Kat looked so cheerful in DADA. No one else could rub their professor the way Lily did, which didn't bode well for her desk partner.

A young man stood stiffly beside Professor Crouch at the front of the room. It took her a minute to place the tug of familiarity. The stranger was the White Cloak with rusty hair and long lanky limbs that had gifted her with Baker's Ring of Honor. The ring burned with a burst of awareness from its permanent spot around her neck, as if it dared the White Cloak to notice its new home.

The auror didn't take note of it though. His blue eyes focused on hers instead.

"As you can see, we are _honored_-." Their professor's voice slid uncomfortably over the compliment. "By the presence of auror-."

The man's pointed cough interrupted the introduction.

Crouch grimaced, smoothing her mouth into a thin line. "Excuse me, White Cloak, Bill Hensley. I'm sure you can understand, Hensley. It's confusing now that the Ministry has decided to permanently suspend any new members to the White Cloaks. I suppose that makes you an endangered species."

Hensley didn't even bat an eyelash at the insult. He spoke, radiating unquestioned power and leadership. "The White Cloaks were investigating the recent Death Eater sightings in Hogsmeade, and Headmaster Dumbledore asked me to come speak with you as a personal favor. With the rise in Polyjuice related crime, I decided it would be a good time to teach you all the basics of identifying someone who is disguised by the potion."

He dove right in, rigorously taking them through an in depth description of Polyjuice Potion and some of the easy tells. It was fascinating and Lily was reminded of how much she used to love Defense. Professor Crouch had ruined it for her.

He stopped halfway through the lesson and announced that they would be doing an exercise to test their new knowledge. Professor Crouch was buried in a stack of parchment trying very hard to completely ignore her class that had been taken hostage, but she had no choice but to look up when Hensley spoke to her directly. "Who has the highest marks in the class?"

Professor Crouch's face was even more unattractive as it soured exponentially at the question. She took her time, shuffling around parchment and seeming to have to think very hard on the matter. "I've not been too impressed with any of the seventh years…but just on pure marks I guess right now that's…Evans."

The Head Girl fought the devious smile as hard as she could, but it was easily wiped off realizing that the White Cloaks' attention was not focused on her. He motioned for her to join him at the front of the class and muttered quietly so only she could hear him. "It's nice to see you again, Ms. Evans."

She nodded and blushed at her peer's gazes which all drilled into her.

Hensley wasted no time calling five more girls up to join her. "I'll be providing a sample of Polyjuice Potion with a hair from Ms. Evans to the other five girls. Using your instincts and new tricks, you will be asked to identify the real Evans. If any student can correctly do so you will be awarded thirty-five points for your House."

The class murmured excitedly as the girls were sent into the hallway to ingest the potion. Lily watched as Kat along with four other seventh years transformed into her clones before her eyes. A shiver climbed up the rings her spine. Her pretty delicate features looked odd expressing someone else's emotions. When Hensley called them back in, magically stamping them with a number at random, he lined them up where the whole class could scrutinize them. Or really it was just Lily's body they were studying.

"Alright, which one is the real Lily Evans?" Hensley flourished his hand in a dramatic fashion.

A slight movement broke the otherwise motionless class. It had been James, but his hand only reached half into the air before he jerked it back to his side.

The White Cloak had caught the disturbance too and his eyes focused on the regretful boy instantly. "Care to share your observation, Mr.-?"

"Potter." James shared quickly before pausing uneasily. "…I was just going to say that if you wanted to make it a real challenge then you should spell away the wrinkles from number three's uniform…It's kind of an easy giveaway."

Flushing scarlet, her eyes ran down her clothes finding them predictably unkempt. She wanted to glare at him. It wasn't _that _obvious since he was the only to notice.

Hensley smiled appreciatively at the younger man. "Clever, Mr. Potter. Physical clues are the first thing you should look for."

Using a flicker of his wand, all the Lilys' uniforms were smoothed out and resized until they all looked physically identical. They were renumbered and mixed up before he sat them apart and invited the rest of the class to mingle and question them. The last few minutes of DADA were spent getting peppered with questions from her classmates until Hensley called time. "Everyone who thinks they can identify her within two guesses write them down and hand them in. Don't bother with random selections. You will not be awarded points for luck."

The real Lily waited convinced that everyone would easily be able to pick her out. She'd tried to throw them off as best she could with the hope of making the game a bit more fun. Hensley tallied the few submitted votes carefully. "We only have one correct guess. Mr. Black managed to list the actual Ms. Evans in one of his two votes… Just for fun Mr. Black would you mind pointing out the girl from your top two that you most believe is her?"

Sirius' eyes raked over her carefully before moving on to the Lily Evans to her right. Stepping back, he looked unsure, but eventually raised a finger to the wrong girl.

"I have to admit I'm a little disappointed, Potter." His attention was distracted from Sirius' choice and onto the Head Boy who had reverted into the definition of uninterested throughout the rest of the class. "You showed such promise with your first observation… I was expecting more of you. You didn't even submit a guess."

James' lips quivered as if he fought against the words, and they came just as the White Cloak turned his back on him. "You said to write our two best guesses… But I don't need a guess."

Staring at his best mate with disbelief and suspicion, Sirius tried to catch James' eyes, but Hensley held the raven haired boy's gaze prisoner. A roaring chuckle broke the older man's strong face. "By all means enlighten us."

He looked angry at himself as he made his way to stand in front of the Lilys with Sirius. Without giving in to his friend's demanding glare, James met her eyes an instant before he pointed at her chest.

"Thirty-five points to Black and Potter." Bill Hensley clapped happily as if the whole thing had been a marvelous experiment. "Very good indeed. Please share with us how you came to that conclusion."

His question might have been directed at both of them, but he was clearly more interested in James' explanation. The nervous ruffle of his hair was the only allowance of his true discomfort. "Evans tugs on her hair when she's trying to be brave."

Lily immediately dropped the lock of hair that had just been sandwiched between two fingers.

James huffed as she proved him right and struggled for a minute to find the words to continue. "Number two kept trying to catch her reflection in anything shiny. Lily mostly avoids mirrors. Number four asked everyone to call her Lovely Lily which the real Lily would never do because she hates the nickname Professor Slughorn gave her. Number five stands with her hands on her hips- very athletic. Lily's stance is confident, but not as showy as that. Number three has a fruity scent (that's very nice), but Lily's soap smells like vanilla right now. Number one was the best at mimicking her behavior, but her eyes were too guarded- too good at hiding her emotions. I'm guessing that is Lily's mate Cooper."

He paused to stare into number six's eyes. "All the others were trying _to _look like her while number six acted contrary. Her hand kept grasping at where Lily's necklace usually hangs and she yawned four times which is consistent with Lily's normal energy level around this time every day."

"Impressive." The auror commented with unguarded appraisal. "I hope you're considering a future with Magical Law Enforcement Department."

The class was dismissed with James Potter fleeing quicker than anyone else. The hour of the Polyjuice drew to a close in synchronization with the class' exit and she was happy that there wouldn't be any extra Head Girls running around. Their guest speaker wasn't done with her yet, and the White Cloak asked her to stay behind in the empty room. Lily approached as she secured the chain back around her throat. She felt naked without it now.

"I'm glad to see you're doing better." He relaxed slightly without the weight of the rest of the eyes watching him. "You look more like I expected without the crying."

Her half smile was unconvincing as she hitched her bag higher up her shoulder.

"Mr. Potter was right. You can read your emotions all over your face." He remarked with an amused chuckle. Lily's stomach rolled violently. This White Cloak was bringing up all kinds of subjects she didn't want to think about. "Don't worry. I'm going to let you go. I only stopped you because I wanted to make sure you understood why I gave you Harland's Ring of Honor… I'm not trying to be insensitive and I'm sure you'll find the right place for it in the end, but it's an old White Cloak superstition that a fallen comrade can't rest in peace until his ring has been put to rest as well."

She felt shamed at her own selfishness. It was impossible to deny that she'd considered just keeping Baker's ring. When he didn't speak again, Lily mumbled a halfhearted thank you and left.

After dinner she went back to the Head Suite and closed her door. She was too disturbed to even try and seduce James tonight. The glimpse she'd gotten into the way he saw her was disconcerting. How did he still see her? She hadn't so much as caught him giving her a second glance and yet he saw her more than anyone else. It was time to accept that James had the ability to read her in a truly deep and remarkable way.

She frowned at the thought and almost suddenly fell into a restless slumber.

It was the kind of dream that she was perfectly aware was not real and yet she could not help from indulging it. Hazel irises locked with hers, but she turned away. She did not want him to see her. All she wanted was the plunging motion that created earthquakes through her pelvis to continue. The eyes followed her and she moaned even while trying to shake him. It felt so good. Her hips gyrated with whatever unseen force brought her pleasure, but his eyes were unyielding.

_More. More. More. _A voice from beyond called through her dreams. She encouraged it. She liked the sound of it and it went along perfectly with her desire. All she wanted was more. She writhed as he plunged on and she had known all along it was James. Only he could incite this type of passion.

_Oh Merlin, yes. _She could feel her prize just beyond the horizon. It was a brilliant building utopia waiting for her with a few more thrusts.

_Yes_. It was right there. She could see it. _Oh, yes. _She wanted it so badly. _Please. _Just a little more.

Reality crashed around her with a vengeful strike. She was sitting up in her bed, tangled in her nightgown and sheets. Her heart sprinted forward and moisture pooled between her legs. She had been so close to her orgasm and the dream stuck in her mind, making her squirm with lust. Sweat slicked the thin white cotton to her skin and the cool air raised chill bumps up her legs. It was early- right at sunrise, and the lingering darkness made her actions seem less rash. Her feet hadn't quite caught up with her overwhelming desire and her flight was clumsy through their conjoining bathroom. His door was shut just like always but unlocked, and through her foggy eyes she watched her hands push the door open.

In his sleep the magnets had been reversed to their correct position and she was drawn to him. Driven by the hazy lustful state, she didn't pause to study his peaceful face that relaxed in sleep. She climbed onto the bed as gently as she could manage, but the rustle of the mattress was enough to wake him.

He stared at her where she perched at the end of his bed, both free of the mask and airs of everyday life. There was a vulnerability between them in the new light of the day. It only encouraged her need- for release, for comfort, for contact. She crawled towards him slowly without a care in the world that her nightdress hung loose and exposed her chest from his angle. Emotions battled on his face for dominance, but his eyes caressed her every move, lingering on the languid curves of her body. He wanted her.

She was close enough to reach out and touch his lips when his expression disintegrated into what appeared to be defeat. Another surge of longing rushed her knickers, but his words contradicted the victory, telling the story of a broken boy. He grasped the fingers she'd extended in his hand until they ached with pain. "I can't- Lily… I can't- I don't-."

Why couldn't he give her this? Didn't he see how much she needed it? Didn't he desire her? A rampaging indignation hummed through her mind. He didn't want her. She needed him and he was rejecting her…again.

She felt more naked than she ever had in her entire life. Exposed under his ever present gaze, it was worse because of all the things he could see. He could _see_ her and he still did not want her.

_Pathetic_

It had been nearly a year since he'd uttered those words in the dark of night, but there was no measuring stick for the drastic changes that little word had inflicted on her life. And just for a moment, a sad instant of weakness, she hated him for it. The hard road of loss and pain that she'd ridden since that night felt utterly unfair, and she wished more than anything that he'd never spoken at all. She wished she'd never had Baker so she could never lose him. She wished she didn't know that it was wrong to be loved for someone she was not so she could continue to lie to herself. She wished she didn't know all of the things she had been doing wrong so she could make her blissfully ignorant mistakes again and again. For the first time she wished for the easy life she had before.

He owed her this. Angry surges fueled her irrational thoughts and her eyes hardened as she roughly yanked her hand from his. He had done this to her. He had created this monster. _He owed her this_.

She fisted the thick blanket and jerked it off his body, drawing his sharp intake breath. When she straddled his thighs he looked at her with alarm. "Lily-."

_He owed her this_. Her cotton gown hiked around her waist and the moisture seeping through her knickers begged for her grind her body into his. As if he could predict her coming actions, he grabbed her wrists together between them with bruising force, stopping her. His voice was nothing but a warning moan. "Lily."

She drove her emerald eyes into his and then arched her back, dragging her pelvis across his. She found him rock hard, fiercely so. Their gaze was shattered as his eyes rolled back in his head and an involuntary shudder wracked his body. She watched the display and felt her knickers somehow dampen further.

"Lily." His jaw was tight and her name fatigued by his grinding teeth. The force he held her delicate wrists with was painful, but she barely noticed, ruled only by her desire._ He owed her this._ It would be no use to struggle. He was a million times stronger…But she didn't need her hands to get the better of him. He could keep her hands if he wished.

The rest of her body was the real weapon and she used it to rub herself with teasingly light pressure against his cock. She meant to work him up and she could tell from the growing flush of his cheeks that it was more than working, but in the process she was feeding the monster in her chest. Her movements grew less controlled as the lust clouded her mind. It just felt so good.

"Fuck, Lily." His voice was a raspy choke, as if she strangled him with every contortion of her perfect body.

She shook her head and closed her eyes, blocking him out. _He owed her this_. This was about her. He didn't want to give it to her so she would take it from him. She pressed into his defined hardness more firmly, rolling her desperate slickness against him with rhythm.

"Yes!" She urged the riveting jolts that built and burned within her, never quite fully scratching the insatiable itch. _So close. _

Using his tight hold on her wrists, he wrenched her body flat against his. He held their arms above their heads, their faces eye to eye- lip to lip. Her eyes opened wide and for an instant they paused. Sweet breath mingled between them before he kissed her with savage abandon. Bumping teeth, forceful tongues, willful mouths- they did their best to consume one another.

He flipped them over and to her it was his white flag of surrender. She stared up at him and for the briefest moment something stronger than the lust flowed through her. It was indescribable and altogether overwhelming. Almost as if every possible emotion rapidly bloomed in her chest, but managed to combine into one unimaginable feeling.

She barely registered the lazy smile that bowed her lips. In fact, she might have missed it completely if James hadn't reacted. He pulled away enough to study her expression in the building glow of the morning. They were frozen, prisoners of the other's gaze. For once she could read him just as clearly as he could her. The slow detachment that spelled her failure was not what she wanted to see.

His crumbling face became the rare peak of the boy underneath the indifference. Hazel eyes begged her for something she could not give. "Why are you doing this to me?"

She reclined as far as she could into the mattress under her. Her motion brought attention to his hard cock that was still pressed intimately into her thigh. He jumped off her, skittering across the room in an attempt to get as far away from her as possible. She wanted to cry, once for the frustrated lust that went unsatisfied and again for the unrecognizable weakness that punctuated his features. She sat up, staring at him helplessly.

"You're killing me." He pleaded. She wanted to look away but couldn't. "Can't you see how hard this is? You can't begin to fathom how difficult it is to be so close and not have you. It takes everything I have to be around you day in and day out- to give you everything I have left because _you need me_. I fucking love you so much sometimes I think I'm going to explode- all your little smiles, the thoughtful looks you get, and that bloody wrinkled uniform! I've given you everything…and still you ask for more."

There were no words, no excuse, no apologies that would ever be good enough. He looked so lost. Her heart beat as fast and relentlessly as the wings of a wild snitch in her chest. She could feel his pain as if it were her on.

"How can you be so cruel?" His question was not whipped with any malice. It was just broken- and wrong. "To offer me the one thing I want more than anything else- the one thing I can't give you. You use my feelings against me to get your cheap release- to steal the one comfort that is still mine to decline."

The unintentional truth of his words swirled and infiltrated her shame. It was too much. She blocked the emotions. She couldn't handle it. He just needed to understand. "I'm not trying to be hurt you, James. It doesn't have to be this way… We could help each other. I just need you so badly… Maybe I don't feel about you the way you feel about me, but we could still be together."

He gaped at her desperate plea and as he spoke his face grew fiercely incredulous. "I'm not going to be with you because _you need me_! Don't you see that's the only type of relationship you've ever had? We'd just be doing the same things all over again… I'm not interested in being another one of your mistakes. I deserve better than that… _YOU _deserve so much more than that."

Taking three long strides, he opened the door into the common room and stared at her expectantly. He was kicking her out. Summoning all the dignity she had left, she walked passed him and fled the suite completely after grabbing shoes and a coat. She didn't want to be anywhere near James Potter. With her anger and frustration keeping her warm, she burst onto the dewy lawn. Sprinting to the edge of the Great Lake, she gasped for the breath she'd forced out of her lungs.

The sun peaked through the trees, casting the morning world into hues of peachy orange and watery blue. The lake was glassy and so still it almost looked like she could walk across it. She stood there overloaded with so much that it felt like she was going to combust.

She was standing on the edge of something important- life changing even, but she couldn't throw herself over the edge. Sunlight glinted off the Ring of Honor resting on her breast and it filled her with phantom anger that held little rhyme or reason.

Was it Baker? Did she have to let him go to move forward? She yanked the chain off her throat, grasping the gold in a tight fist. In her mind James' eyes were staring at her- hazel orbs of knowledge, always one step ahead, always seeing what she could not. It drove her rage and she pulled her arm back preparing to throw the ring as hard as she could into the lake. The White Cloak had told her she was supposed to do something with the Ring of Honor- figure out what Baker would have wanted. Wouldn't he want her to move on?

It was suddenly incredibly clear that getting rid of the ring was the key to letting Baker go.

Her arm tensed for the motion, but it was as if the band whispered to her. _You're not ready. You still need me. Not yet. Not yet. _

A broken sigh ripped at her chest. She couldn't do it. Her arm dropped limply to her side.

But maybe the answers she sought went deeper than Baker. It felt deep. This was something monumental, she knew it. A time would come when she was ready to let him go, but this wasn't about saying goodbye. This time she just needed his help.

"I don't know." She said out loud, looking to the sky. It was the most reasonable place to look for guidance. But the clouds did not suddenly spell out the answers she sought. In fact, nothing happened. The Giant Squid didn't even bother to break the smooth surface. She was really truly alone in this now. "Please. Just a little help here, Baker."

A memory flashed. She didn't need divine intervention. She just needed to remember.

"_That's it?" She searched his face pitifully. "You're not going to tell me what to do about James?" _

"_Maybe, one day." He told her with a smug glint in his eyes. "It'd be completely worthless while you're still lying to yourself." _

"_So your advice is to be truthful with myself and face my problems head on?" _

"Thank you." She murmured to the silent world, her mind racing ahead.

Quit lying. But it was so much harder than that. The lies we tell ourselves are the most dangerous and important deceits of all.

Adeline and Harrison Evans popped into her mind. It was almost impossible to beckon a clear mental image of them anymore. Most of her memories were just snap shots, and almost all of them were observations of the two of them together, as if they'd lived a separate life from her childhood. She had a hard time remembering the little instances that were supposed to symbolize the bond between a parent and child. She recalled the almost constant gaze that her parents maintained, even in the most unlikely times Lily would look at them and find that they only had eyes for each other.

Their love was indisputable. Yet, all of Lily's ideals of what love was supposed to be almost spitefully contradicted the love she'd seen between her parents. Love was supposed to be easy, controlled, based on mutual need. It seemed impossible that she'd gotten it all wrong, hampered by the experiences and emotions of her childhood.

She'd found all of her ideals with Sirius. It had been uncomplicated and she'd done everything she could to keep it that way. There had never been a second where she was at risk of losing control with him, and he needed her deeply. He had been desperate for the love she'd so freely shared.

And yet, she knew that she'd never been in love with him.

She ground her teeth at the thought of Baker. He'd been all the things love was supposed to be too. But as much as she'd loved him, it had never been what she craved. The careful life they created in their imaginations in those last moments they spent together with beautiful babies and a war free world would have only ever been settling. A forfeit of something so wonderful that it was impossible to understand and could only be felt.

James was a direct contradiction to love.

Everything was complicated, each new obstacle harder than the last. He made her erratic, impulsive. Her emotions as unpredictable as the rash actions he inspired. And James Potter did not need her love in the least.

"_Love isn't about need, Lily. The true real kind is often about nothing at all. That's why it is so special." _The words had been spoken to a confused drunk girl in a different lifetime. James' statement had been meaningless to that girl. She hadn't been ready. That girl had to be homeless, feel unloved, find peace, learn humility, face loss, and accept love to become the woman that could _see _the truth.

With a resounding gasp that echoed across the water before her, Lily realized that she was in love with James Potter.

"Bloody fuck."

0000000

**Author's Note:** _So there's a whole lot going on in this chapter. I hope you could sort through it all. I'd love to hear what you think. _

_Another huge thanks to all my usual reviewers and the new guys too. I'm pretty sure this is the last chapter of 2011 so happy holidays! I'm going to be in New Orleans for New Years and the National Championship (Yay! Yay!), so that should keep me occupied for a bit. _

I'm updating the Behind the Scenes on my profile. And I appreciated the feedback about my follow up fic. If anyone has anymore ideas please share. I'm in the building stages, and I'm thinking maybe a darker love triangle with Teddy/Lily Luna/Scorpius. I think it would be a fun challenge. 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. I'm not making any money.

**Dedication**: This one's for ErinFabu who I can honestly say redefined this story with her insightful and thought out reviews.

**Previously:** Even though Lily was dating his best mate, James, had a habit of staring at Lily. She's convinced that she has life and love all figured out. That is until James let's her know what he really thinks about her. He calls her pathetic. She slaps him. He kisses her palm. And life is really never the same after that. As Lily's life changes over a summer away from the persona she's established the itch where James' kissed her palm never relents. During a Divination Seminar last term that was supposed to tell them their last thoughts, Lily had a bad reaction and was struck with all kinds of puzzling visions of her friends dying. The new DADA professor (Alledora Crouch) has it out for Lily, and throughout the year Lily's been collecting clues as to what she's up to. One of the clues Lily collects is from Baker who fills in her in own an affair Crouch had with Matis MacMillan, who is older brother of Luka (who Marley tells her is intertwined with the Death Eaters).

Ashby Campbell is the Piper's seventh year Hufflepuff prefect counterpart. When Lily first became a prefect in her fifth year the Head Girl at the time had been Camille Collins, who Lily tried to emulate in every way even when the Head Girl turned against the young Gryffindor for no apparent reason. Now, Camille Collins is the special columnist for the Daily Prophet and she wrote several pieces focusing on Harland Simmons/Baker's heroic acts as a White Cloak. When James ended his affair with Lily he sealed the door shut on their shared lavatory, and the symbolism of the gesture stuck with Lily. Lily had bad feelings at first about Piper Prescott (especially since she was slightly mixed up with James romantically), but eventually they develop a friendship. Callum Palmer (Ravenclaw 7th year and Quidditch Captain) and Lily started out as something more, but after a few ups and downs (and a few rather bad dates) also became friends, and this was only exaggerated when Lily confesses her relationship with James to Callum at her birthday party.

**Chapter Fifteen**

**Friendly Fire**

She was staring at him again.

Two weeks had passed and flowers did not bloom in radiant colors of the rainbow around her, the sun did not shine any brighter, and Lily had little to no desire to let birds plait her hair each morning. A world where she was in love was the same as one where she had been oblivious. Well…except for the staring. Her realization didn't even make her feel differently about James. The feelings had been there all along, after all. She just hadn't known what to call it, blinded by her distorted perceptions.

She'd once wondered what James saw when he stared at her.

She sure knew what she saw when she stared at him now. He was sitting at the other end of the long prefect table focused on the meeting taking place around them. His messy hair moist from rushing through a shower after practice, and his dark lashes fanned out around bright and alert hazel irises. An assault of flutteringly ripped through her gut.

How could he still do that to her? How did he make her feel so…_much_?

A twitch of tension seized his jaw and she knew that he could feel her gaze. She could also tell that he was making every effort not to return it just like he'd been doing ever since their revealing interaction two weeks ago. Her soft frown turned into an audible squeak of surprise when a sudden clap filled the air, shaking her from her reverie.

"I think that covers everything." James' hands stilled after their action as he purposefully ignored her startled noise. "Any questions?"

"The Hogsmeade trip hasn't been canceled, right?" Ashby Campbell didn't bother raising a hand. The tidy Hufflepuff was always of immaculate appearance, but it didn't quite ever fully cover up the sleaziness underneath. There was something Lily didn't trust about perfectly maintained hair on a bloke. Ashby's was dark brown, cut precisely, and parted so it swooped slightly down one side of his forehead- not a single strand out of place.

"Why do you care, Campbell?" One of the younger prefects grinned with good natured teasing. "It's not like you ever bother to take any of your conquest out on a proper date."

Ashby's chest chuffed at his well cultivated reputation. Lily had a hard time seeing what girls fell for so easily when it came to the seventh year. He wasn't necessarily unattractive, but his slightly rounded face and compact body couldn't even begin to compete with some of their peers. "A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, but let's just say I've captured the eye of a certain Hogwarts' alum who may or may not be the spotlight columnist for the Daily Prophet."

The room broke into excited murmurs and Lily caught several squeaked revelations of "Camille Collins." Ashby was certainly no gentleman. Lily had not forgotten Camille Collins' dismal treatment in fifth year and she definitely didn't appreciate the older girl's exaggerated articles about Baker, but Lily still thought that even _she_ could do a lot better than Ashby Campbell. _Anybody _could do a lot better than Ashby Campbell.

James cleared his throat annoyed with the outbreak of gossip. "The Hogsmeade weekend will proceed as planned assuming there are no disturbances."

Like so many other things that had been changed by the war, this would be the first Hogsmeade visit since the attack last term. The walls of their beloved castle pushed in on them more each passing day- the halls humming with entrapment. Everyone was on the verge of going stir crazy, and she for one couldn't wait to break out of the claustrophobic school and breathe in the fresh scenery of the village.

The hopefulness that lit the weekend was swept away with the tide and a sigh from Lily as she was once again ensnared in her Head Boy ponderings. She'd barely rested her cheek in her palm when a hand snatched her prop away and after a jerk she found herself being led into her private room as the other prefects gathered their belongings obliviously.

"What do you think you're doing, Palmer?" She tried to spike her voice with feistiness, but it sounded dull even to her ears.

Callum closed her door and turned to her with a raised eyebrow. The expression alleviated some of darkness that settled under his oddly contrasting blue eyes, and returned him momentarily to his former fancy-worthy status. He was still terribly good looking, but just like everyone else he had been affected by their changing world.

The halls were filled with students either bursting out of their uniforms or jerking them back up their hips every couple of steps. Funny how the same stress that could have one student feeling nauseous at the very sight of food could have others stuffing their faces with every sweet and treat the House Elves offered. Judging by the loose fit of Callum's gray jumper, his inclination was the same as Lily's.

Sighing was almost as easy as breathing and she barely noticed the small noise that escaped before she spoke. "Was I being terribly obvious?"

"Only to someone paying attention." His lean muscled body draped across her bed comfortably as if they did this all the time. "Lucky for you everyone's so distracted by their own personal melodramas that they can't manage to be properly nosey."

"…I…I l-…lo-." Her lips stuttered rebelliously over the three little words, unable to control the need to purge her new secret. The words only existed in her mind, but there was something desperate and real about speaking them aloud. It was something she didn't want to do, and yet she felt as if she was repressing the desire to blurt out the words at all kinds of odd times lately- in class, the Great Hall, the girl's lavatory on the fifth floor. It was beginning to feel like if she didn't say it at all then it was going to explode without her consent and that just wasn't an option.

"It's okay." Callum assured, taking her hand as she sat beside him. Knowing the full background of her secret history made it easy for him to see the direction they were spiraling. "You don't have to say it."

"Yes, I do." Baker would have made her say it out loud. He probably would have made her write it line after line until the words and truth sang together in a perfect melody. She yearned for him so constantly that sometimes she was surprised in moments like this just how much she _needed _him. Pushing was what she needed. It was a job that she had to fulfill on her own. "I love… him. I am in lo-love him… I am in love with James! There!"

"And this realization is fueling a campaign of mooning over the Head Boy?" He appeared skeptical, and more unsurprised than she was comfortable. A reaction of shock and awe would have been much more gratifying. "Isn't this the part where you ride off into the sunset together?"

His words stumped her. In all this time she hadn't once considered actually _doing_ something about her feelings. Why was that? Shouldn't that be the normal continuation of events? Boy loves girl. Girl realizes she returns said affections. Boy and girl live happily ever after. "Riding off into the sunset might be kind of hard with all of the Marauders in tow, and even then we'd have to pretend that it was a platonic riding off into the sunset because of the whole previously-dated-best-mate dilemma."

"So that's what's holding you back? Black?" Unlike with James, conversations with Callum never felt like he had some secret knowledge of her feelings and emotions that she hadn't even begun to grasp yet. Callum was just curious and as hopelessly lost in the situation as she was, and it was nice in an uncomplicated way.

"It's not just holding _me_ back… Have you forgotten that James and Sirius are practically brothers? They actually _lived _together. He calls James' mother Mum. I don't want to hurt Sirius, but for James…it would be impossible. A complete betrayal of everything he values and holds dear." Lily eluded his question slightly. Sirius was certainly an issue, and it was hard to imagine that there could be a hindrance larger than the points she'd just made, but there was something more rumbling that she couldn't quite grasp yet.

Callum stared at her blankly. Apparently they'd reached beyond his processing level. Lily couldn't blame him. This was a question with no answer. A confused girl had started crafting this equation a long time ago with all the wrong decisions for all the right reasons. Lily was no longer the fifth year who'd seen desperate need in Sirius Black's eyes and mistaken it for love though. Didn't that count for anything? Couldn't someone grant her a waiver? A simple – _"I, Merlin, hereby allow one, Ms. Lily Evans, a one time do-over on the grounds of emotional misleading"_- would work just fine.

Her Ravenclaw friend hung around for a while longer, but the subject of James was not broached again. Callum seemed to need her undemanding company just as much as she did his. Her shared confidence linked them with its importance, establishing a thicker bond of friendship. Baker had taught her how important friendships could be, and while no one would ever be able to fill his ocean sized absence, Callum was a soothing balm to her traumatized emotions.

They exited her room with a congenial air and when he hugged her at her door, he whispered a small assurance that everything was going to be okay…somehow. Callum's stomach growled ferociously and effectively broke the moment.

She was just about to tell him about their secret passage to the kitchens and offer him a late night snack when James' hard face met them as Callum turned to leave. The Head Boy was standing over his spot at the prefect's table, papers spread out before him that were temporarily ignored in favor of his unforgiving glower. Anything that could make him look like that had to be something wrong and for an instant guilt flooded her veins with icy insistence.

They all three stood silent, fighting to preserve the fake obliviousness that they willingly submitted too. Scrounging up an attempted smile and nod to James, Callum made his leave uncomfortably.

_Traitor. _He'd abandoned her to take the full blunt of James' betrayed eyes. Her immediate reaction was to explain. After all, the judgment he was dousing her with was underserved. She'd done nothing wrong. But her mouth refused to open under the weight of his storming glare. With a graceful and unpredictable turn of his heel he left his work behind and entered his room. The door closed with nothing more than an ominously gentle click.

The tell of his emotions struck her with sizzling apprehension. He loved her and he certainly knew her, and yet, like almost every love she'd ever known, it came with stipulations and boundaries. Petunia's affections depended on the denial of her inherent 'oddness,' and Snape's had asked the opposite. Sirius had desired her silence- her willingness to brush away her flaws. They all gave their love with a footnote of requirements. They loved her but never enough to surpass their own selfish needs.

James was doing the same thing. He did not love her more than he loved Sirius.

It was undeniably selfish to even consider asking him to choose her over his best mate…and most likely the rest of the Marauders. But didn't she deserve the same careless selfishness that everyone else so flippantly inflicted?

Gritting her teeth, Lily exited the room in the same manner her counterpart had done only moments before.

The next day was Thursday and the entire group of seventh year Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs waited outside the DADA classroom for Crouch to release her much overdue class. Lily couldn't complain about putting off the dreaded professor, but she felt bad for Callum who always had DADA before the Gryffindors. Apparently since Crouch had been a Ravenclaw she thought it was her duty to make sure the students of that house were extra equipped to deal with the exams.

The only downfall of waiting was the forced social interaction with her peers. And that meant James.

He was currently leaning into the wall surrounded by the Marauders with a cheerful smile that slopped to the left whenever Sirius would say something particularly amusing. Every once in a while his hand would jerk through raven hair, causing an itch in her gut.

She was staring again.

"Can you believe that?" Kat demanded incredulously. Her face was flushed scarlet. It was Lily's only clue as to what they had been talking about while she'd been lost in Potter world.

"Merlin." It was Lily's exaggerated-but pointedly generic- response. Obviously they had been discussing Remus, so she cut her eyes to James' left where the sometimes werewolf was punching Peter in the arm with a grin.

"I know!" Kat's black head bobbed as she nodded, accepting Lily's response as a condolence. "How am I supposed to face Professor Crouch after that?"

The mention of her nemesis doubled the Head Girl's interest in the conversation, but she was saved from having to come up with a way of getting Kat to retell the story without admitting she hadn't been listening when her old dorm mate rattled on without waiting for a response.

"It's not like we were doing anything terribly scandalous. I'm sure she's seen far worse things than a little snogging on her patrols, but we haven't even decided what to call our relationship! All of five people know that we fancy each other and now I have to add our professor to that list."

In comparison to the truly scandalous turn Lily's love life had taken the past year, hearing about normal seventh year drama was a pleasant exchange. Her smile was reassuring, if not a little wistful. "At least you don't have to worry about her singling you out for any unwanted attention with me in the class."

The comment instantly relieved a little of the flush from the short girl's face and she stood up a little straighter with twinkling eyes. "That's true! Professor Crouch won't even notice me with you in class… Merlin, we could have probably been shagging and she wouldn't blink an eye the way she loathes you."

The classroom door burst open and seventh years of Ravenclaw and Slytherin spilled out with similar relieved expressions. They weren't excited about the extended class times whether it got them a better mark on the exam or not.

Callum's face was plagued with a matching pained look before he spotted Lily and it was chased away by cheerful exuberance. "Wotcher, ladies."

"Morning, Palmer." Kat returned with an easy smile now that her fears had been brushed away.

"Listen, Lovely." He turned to her. "I was thinking you might be willing to help me keep my mind off the big game coming up by accompanying me to Hogsmeade… I know you value your house pride and I thought it could only help with hostilities."

Lily laughed remembering her comment at the ball insinuating that she'd only accepted his invitation to increase animosity between their houses and insure a Gryffindor victory. The Ravenclaw and Gryffindor Quidditch match was quickly turning into the event of the year, not only because the result would have Cup implications, but also because it had been postponed for months and the return of the sport after the Hogsmeade attack was highly anticipated.

"I do owe you." She allowed with a mischievous smirk.

He clapped once with resolution and a grin. "Excellent."

"Callum?" A familiar looking girl tapped on his shoulder. Her face scrunched with irritation, making what would have normally been a cute face exponentially unattractive.

"I'm right behind you." Callum shrugged her off, his attention barely leaving Lily before returning immediately back to their upcoming plans. "I'll meet you at the carriages."

Lily raised an eyebrow in the direction their classmate had stomped off in. "Erm- new lady friend, Palmer?"

He scoffed. "Viola Singh? She's my potions' partner and I very much doubt her boyfriend would like it otherwise."

"Well, you better hurry up. I know how you Ravenclaw swots hate to be tardy and I'd say Professor Slughorn won't be impressed either." Lily told him accepting his quick hug before he darted away after Viola.

She turned back to Kat, who stopped gossiping with Marley long enough to smirk pointedly at the Head Girl. "Looks like things are finally taking off with your Golden Retriever… You'll be branded a traitor by our house mates for the deflection so close to the match though."

"The game's not until next weekend… And as a member of the team, I give my blessing to the union. Ravenclaw or not that is one attractive bloke." Marley jumped in with a wink. "Plus, a lot can happen in a week. If you break his heart the night before the match he'd make easy prey on Saturday."

"Why that is positively cunning of you, Marlene." Sirius cut in eavesdropping on their conversation and throwing an arm around the Chaser's shorter shoulders as they entered the classroom. "I don't think I've ever been so proud."

Lily opened her mouth to refute their claims when the briefest smile flitted over her ex boyfriend's handsome features in her direction. The action stuttered through her brain before she recovered enough to speak. She insisted to the group that there was nothing going on between her and Callum, but all the while her mind tried to fully digest Sirius' small action and why it felt so significant.

It was the smallest of peace offerings. It was the tiniest indication of forgiveness and Sirius' very own way of giving his blessing. He'd thought she was going on a date and that slight twinge of his lips had told her that he was okay with it. The half smile was a giant step forward in salvaging their friendship.

Settling into a seat in the back, her eyes reclaimed their ever present view in the direction towards the Head Boy. The line of his right cheekbone cut attractively into an impossibly more defined angle and his dark eyebrow inched microscopically inward. He'd heard the conversation and already fueled with his skewered knowledge of her relationship with Callum, it wasn't hard to decipher what conclusion James had come to.

A sick roll of pleasure and horror washed through her chest. These barely noticeable betrayals of his impenetrable mask were the only indications she was privy to that showed he was just as affected by her as she was by him. Another part of her wanted to stand up and shout across the room just how wrong he was, erasing whatever misplaced pain he felt due to her actions. Her right foot twitched beneath the desk and she squelched the impossible desire by pushing her feet into the stone ground as hard as she could, until she was sure the balls of her feet would bruise under the effort.

The pain cleared her head and she was forced to admit the horrible truth of the situation.

She would never be able to ask him to choose. The emotional turmoil she'd felt gushing from his eyes as she'd realized how unforgivably selfish she'd been to him by asking him to sleep with her was unquestionable. She would not- no, she _could_ not- inflict any more pain on him. It would only be selfish to tell him how she felt now that she knew she was in love with him.

If he never knew that she felt the same then he'd never be put in a position to choose. He could live in the blissful unawareness of not knowing that each time she stared at him all she could think about was kissing his bowed lips and holding onto him so tightly that it hurt.

_Be honest, Lily._ Her subconscious whispered stubbornly, refusing to allow her to return to lying to herself about anything.

Because the truth was that maybe her actions were just as selfish as they were unselfish.

Because what if she asked James to choose… and he didn't choose her. This way he'd never have to face the pain of having to make the decision and she'd never have to face the pain of knowing that she'd never be loved first- a life where true love was only a myth.

No, that was something she couldn't deal with. It was really better this way. They'd both just continue on in blissful ignorance.

The week ended and the only thing that changed was that Lily began avoiding James as much as he did her. It wasn't a fun existence, but it was manageable.

Saturday morning, Lily got up twice as early as she normally did with the goal of completely missing James' window of getting ready time. On her tip toes and a hurry in her step, she darted into their shared loo with the goal of getting in and out with no Head Boy sightings.

But life wasn't that fair and the seventh years opened their mirroring doors as if they'd choreographed the entrance. Sleep clung heavily to his features, muting the rapid succession of his shock, guilt, and then indifference. She imagined she looked much the same, realizing they'd both been so eager to avoid one another that they'd essentially sealed running into one another.

"I'm sorry." She blurted wishing the instant the words hit the cool air that she could suck them back in. Why was she always apologizing to him? It was the exact same thing she'd done after he'd first confessed her feelings for her. It felt even more wrong under the current circumstances.

He didn't move, not even a twitch. "You're sorry?"

"No!" The word tumbled out, branding her cheeks red as she became flustered with emotion. "I mean, yes… I just- I just shouldn't have said that…?"

He studied her and not even her well honed skills could help her read his smooth mask of disconnect. Her night clothes were ratty and fitful sleep had most certainly left an imprint on her straight locks, and under his unconcerned gaze she had never felt so ugly in her entire life. Reflexively her arms wrapped around her center protectively and her eyes dropped to the tile floor where they'd once had sex.

"I see." His deep voice broke the silence and the mask. He just looked…sad. It was so much more than that- deeper- but there were no more words than that she could label it.

With unhurried movements he entered his shower stall. She stumbled backwards, leaving the lavatory in favor of her bed. There was no use in being up so early any more.

Her dejected mood hadn't cleared when she woke up hours later at an appropriate time. She dressed with little care, taking more time to feed Harvey than she did to pick out an outfit for the Hogsmeade trip.

Callum sighed heavily when she greeted him, needing no explanation for her gloom. It made her uncomfortable that this moping was becoming the norm.

"Chin up, Lovely." He encouraged snuggling her head into his thin but still sturdy chest. "We can help each other keep our minds off the things we'd both rather not think about."

It wasn't as hard as she expected to summon up a smile in response as they entered a carriage. She was about to close the door when a feminine cough stopped her.

"I'd like to share a carriage." Piper stated evenly, eyeing the couple inside. "Unless this is a date and in that case I will wait for the next one."

Chuckling and slightly impressed with what could easily be considered tact for her Hufflepuff friend, she motioned for Piper to join them. "-Just a friendly trip. The more the merrier."

They chatted the whole ride and Lily invited Piper to join them for the day after she admitted she'd only been coming for supplies and then she was going to head back to the castle. It was strange but refreshing to spend the day with two friends that she'd made this year. There weren't as many reminders of James, and Lily was happy to indulge Callum's earlier request of keeping their minds off everything but having fun.

The three of them were walking side by side down the crowded street, sampling a few of the Honeyduke's treats they'd just purchased. The March air was cooled by the breeze, but the sun was unobstructed and Lily had shrunk her useless jacket in favor of letting the rays dance on her skin hours ago. It was going splendidly until Callum stopped walking with an alarmed jerk, his eyes focused with perplexed intensity on something in the crowd ahead of them.

"What is it?" She asked concerned. "What's wrong?"

He didn't speak captured by whatever internal confusion plagued him. Piper stared at him before following his gaze in an attempt to understand his behavior. Lily touched his arm attentively and the contact jolted him back to his current surroundings. "Sorry, I thought I saw somebody I used to know… But it's impossible."

"Who?" Piper asked unapologetically.

"He graduated when we were in second year- the same as my sister. I didn't really _know _him… Anyways there's no way he'd be here. I heard he got mixed up into some dark stuff after Hogwarts. If the rumors are true Matis won't ever be showing his face in public again." Callum remarked with a shrug, biting into another purple candy.

"I need new quills." Piper spoke abruptly, but in her smooth undaunted way. "Goodbye."

Lily shook her head momentarily distracted by the pure enigma that was Piper Prescott. Callum stared after her looking alarmed and confused by her sudden departure. She'd forgotten how disconcerting the Hufflepuff could be before she'd gotten used to her.

"Matis as in Matis Macmillan?" Lily fanned the old spark of beating Crouch. Ever since Baker's death she just hadn't felt inspired, but at the mention of one of her forgotten clues she felt a stir. "He's that troll Luka's older brother, right?"

Callum smiled at her insult as they reached the end of the road and headed back in the direction they'd come. "I think that might be the harshest I've ever heard you be about someone, but yes Matis is Luka's older brother."

She swallowed the wiggling leg of a chocolate frog. "Luka deserves it. He used to taunt Evie when they were potions' partners- call her a mudblood. I don't really know anything about Matis, but I don't exactly have high expectations knowing his family traits."

He chuckled and slid off his jacket when she shivered, offering it to her. He insisted he was too warm in his thick jumper anyways so really she was doing him a favor. "Speaking of Evie- how's life without the third member of the infamous muggleborn trio?"

"Definitely not the same." She confessed, snuggling further into his coat. Her life was a constantly churning wheel with a million emotions bouncing around with her. Sometimes one had to smack her in the face before she realized it was there. That was how it felt to think about Evie. She missed her, but it was more that she longed for the friendship they'd had when they first started Hogwarts before everything got so unimaginably complicated or they could begin to grow apart.

"I guess that explains your new attachment Piper Prescott." He remarked when they'd arrived back at the carriages.

Climbing in after him, she couldn't help the defensive tone her voice took. "I actually like Piper."

His face was incredulous.

"You don't?" She asked.

"There's just- I don't know… There's just something about her that creeps me out." Callum admitted wrinkling his nose in an innocent way.

"You'll get used to it." Her hands tangled in her hair, uncomfortable with talking about her friend. "I didn't exactly fancy her at first either, but she grows on you."

"If you say so." His genuine words were accompanied by a pat on the knee. "For you, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt…But just be careful, okay?"

Nodding quickly, she brushed away the conversation in favor of more laid back subjects. Back at Hogwarts she declined his offer to walk her back to the suite, already feeling the gloominess drain away the memories of their nice day.

Entering through the Truth Mirror, Lily had time to paste a faux smile on her face hearing the familiar voices in the common area before she greeted them up the stairs.

"There's our little Judas!" Kat giggled, slipping away from her seat beside Remus to greet her friend with a kiss on both cheeks.

Other than Remus and Kat- Marley, Sirius, Peter, and predictably James were also present. The ones not on the Quidditch team spread out their Hogsmeade loot on the ground around them, sharing with the three that had been subjected to a tortuous all day practice by their captain. Lily greeted them all politely, fighting off the heavy pull to isolate herself in her room. But her socializing skills weren't up to par and soon she was excusing herself with an exaggerated yawn.

"Wait!" Kat grabbed her Hogsmeade bag from her reclaimed seat with Remus and followed the taller girl into her room. "I almost forgot that I got you a belated birthday surprise."

She handed Lily a pretty scarf of Gryffindor red that danced with golden snitches and broomsticks. "Thank you. It's beautiful."

"You can wear it when we go to the match next weekend…that is if you don't already have plans to go with someone else… I didn't know if you'd planned to go with Piper or something." Kat stared up at her with hopefulness and the gesture warmed her heart, chasing away the sadness temporarily.

"I think that sounds like a great time." She hugged her. Something pink, fuzzy, and altogether un-Kat-like caught Lily's eye in the bag and she snatched the item out before Kat could stop her. "What the hell is this?"

Behind black fringe, Kat's eyes narrowed dangerously and she blustered with fake casualness. "It's a stuffed animal."

It was in fact a plush kitten made of baby pink fabric with green eyes that rivaled Lily's. It was a child's toy and the slow realization of what- or more accurately _who_- the present belonged to brought a sneaky smile across her face. "This kitty wouldn't be for your supposedly dreadful baby sister, would it?"

At Lily's spiral into laughter, Kat yanked the creature out of her arms with irritation. "It's not a big deal. I just saw it and- whatever, it'll earn points with Mum. It's not like a _real _gift or anything."

"Admit it. You adore your little monster! You want to hold her and kiss her and be the best big sissy ever!" Lily teased tremendously, accepting her giggles.

"Oh hush!" Kat scolded in return, shoving the pink cat back in its bag. "It's not like that. Easter is coming up and I've got to go home so… I just admit she might not be as horrible as I first suspected."

When the Head Girl showed no sign of ending her glee, Kat exited with a huff and slammed the door which only made Lily laugh harder.

Over the next week while Hogwarts built up the upcoming Quidditch match to epic proportions, Lily was faced with a return of her nightmares.

Throughout her life, she'd always endured stretches of nights haunted by her demons. She'd faced so much loss that it'd be impossible to escape without some leftover scarring. But her nightmares had never been such a combination off all the horrors she'd ever known. Her parents burning alive before her eyes, a million tortured scenarios of how Baker got his scar, Death Eaters hunting her every step, Petunia dying while refusing to let Lily in to save her, James buried alive and slowly losing his life cold and alone, Voldemort torturing her in a room full of her friends while they refused to help –these were the pleasantries that accompanied her every night. These monsters created a terrifying cocktail that left her in puddles of cold sweat and silent screams upon her lips.

Those dreams were not the scariest though. The real reason she fought sleep each night was the return of the visions. The vivid pictures that had filled her head during the Divination Seminar months ago returned with a vengeance. Madam Celeste had told her to forget the images- they'd only drive her insane as she tried to distinguish their puzzling meaning. Lily had done just that, blocking out the blurry horrors they forced upon her.

She blamed their reappearance on a building sense of foreboding that she could do nothing to squelch. The visions swirled perfectly with her nightmares, making them more real than ever.

Her marks which had never wavered for anything other than her parent's deaths suddenly declined negatively. She not only avoided James but her other friends as well, making up excuses and lies to hide her isolation. Her appearance was at an all time low as well- stringy hair, black circles around her eyes, and a paleness that had nothing to do with the lack of sun.

Something was wrong. Something had gone terribly awry and she was too tired to care.

The night before Gryffindor match against Ravenclaw, Lily remained awake while the castle slept. She sat at her vanity staring at her reflection and dragging her eyelids back open again after the tug of exhaustion coddled them closed again and again. She was too weak tonight. If she gave into sleep's invitation then _they'd_ be there waiting to terrorize her.

Her head hit the wood of the vanity with a thump and she hadn't even realized she'd fallen asleep. The jolt was enough to momentarily escape sleep's warm grasp, and she tried to stand up but her legs crisscrossed like she'd drank too much firewhiskey, slanting her direction until she slumped to the floor. With blurry vision that doubled around the furniture and forms of her bedroom, she tried to sit up and use the bed as a prop.

She hadn't slept more than four hours any night this week and not more than three the past two. Slumber called to her with false serenity that would turn into deformed faces as soon as she accepted its hand.

"Maybe if you quit fighting it so hard." A voice that belonged to a dead boy told her.

"Great." Her voice was deep, slinking around vowels until they dipped off completely. "I'm going crazy."

"It's called sleep deprivation." Baker stared down at her. Both of the Bakers her distorted eyes formed smirked. But she knew she must have fallen asleep because not even her dream could correctly conjure the real Baker Simmons. "That's what's making you crazy."

He might have been a figment of her imagination, only existing in this place between sleep and awake, but that didn't mean he was not real to her in the moment. A content smile curtained her lips and her eyes fluttered without the fear of losing them to sleep. Her words whispered as a sigh. "I miss you."

"Quit fighting it." He snapped.

Her eyes opened wide to glare up at him. "You're really ruining this for me."

Even fake Baker knew that he should fight off a smile at her comment. "Blame your subconscious. Now quit fighting."

"I don't want to sleep." She whined feeling drunk. Her limbs were so heavy she thought they might break the floor. "They're terrible, Baker, –dying, dying, always dying…everyone dying."

"It doesn't matter if you fight the sleep or not, eventually you won't be able to help it." He remarked carelessly.

She frowned. If her brain was going to create a fake Baker couldn't it have been a nice one?

"Stop fighting the dreams, Whiskey." His voice was in her head and her eyes were closed. Had they been closed the whole time? She couldn't tell up from down anymore. All she could feel was the ground turn to mush and her heavy limbs sinking right through the floor. Realizing that she was falling asleep, she panicked clawing to get back up to the surface. "It's okay, Whiskey. Stop fighting… Don't feel it. Just listen…Just accept it."

Suddenly she was with Honor in a burning room. It was a weird place for a dream to start. Usually it started with the nightmares and bled into the visions, but this was pure vision. The fire was hot, but she remembered Baker's words not to feel it and suddenly there was no pain. She watched the scene with disconnected eyes.

"_It's time to go." A voice said from the hallway. "They're all dead…Or as good as." _

_The replied laugh was the only other sound before the telling 'pop' of Disapparation._

This was new. The visions had never been like this before. Usually they overwhelmed her senses with a smattering of the replay without ever giving rise to a clear picture. But now as she took in the scene around her that she'd never seen quite like this, it was like remembering something that had once happened to her. She could recall the smell of the burning flesh, the scorching of skin, even the numbing realization that she was going to die alone.

Her eyes darted to the sprawled form of Honor on the floor. She'd been frozen by a spell and while her body remained stiff, Lily gasped in horror to see that her eyes darted around the room aware of her surroundings.

It hit her at once. This wasn't just a vision of death. This was how Honor Simmons had died, not by a seemingly merciful Avada Kedavra but forced to suffer alone and helpless as life was literally burned out of her. This was how Honor was murdered and Lily had seen it months ago. She'd felt the burn, smelled the smoke, saw the flames.

She knew she could nothing, but as smoke clouded the room she couldn't help from trying. Her touch was nothing but a ghostly shadow, not even disturbing a cloud of ash. She cried out it frustration. This was torture to watch without the slightest power to alter.

Honor's drooping eyes found her then and whether it was a trick of the vision or Lily's brain attempting to ease the suffering, she didn't give a damn. Rushing to her old nemesis' side, she placed incorporeal hands on Honor. "Can you see me?"

There was no response save a slipping tear that fled her unblinking eyes. Honor's gaze was blurred and certainly distorted, but there was relief too. Not that Lily was going to save her- they both knew it was too late for that- but relief that she wasn't going to die alone like that. And maybe it was all a figment of her traumatized imagination, but she thought deep down that somewhere this was real. Maybe on that night in December when Honor sank so closely to death, she'd really known that Lily had been there with her as her murky green eyes went void with death.

There was one thing she did not question though and that was the validity of the visions. Shrouded with blank spots and bundled far too tightly to distinguish as a whole, she'd seen them all die. Deep down she'd always have this knowledge- and maybe she'd even always be there with them as they slipped away- but it was too hectic to ever flesh out or understand as a whole.

She could not fight it. She could not change it. All she could do was accept it.

Evie, Sirius, Remus, Kat, Peter, and Severus would all die far before they were grayed with age and wrinkled with memories. She could not tell when or where or how, because the burden of knowing without the ability to change it would certainly drive her insane, but she knew without a shadow of a doubt that death would come for each of them…

Even James

Her raw heart seized with blinding pain. He was here with her now…alive- breathing and laughing and learning… and one day he would not. James would die without ever knowing that he deserved true love too.

And everything else just didn't seem as important anymore. Sirius, the Marauders, her issues, the entire world suddenly paled in comparison to the rarity that they'd found between with each other.

Because not everybody gets true love. Sometimes you find someone to love and you settle, and it's not always a bad thing- it's just what happens. They get to be happy too…but they never get to feel what she felt for James Potter.

His heart might not beat forever, but she'd love him as long as hers did…and maybe even after that too. Even if he picked loyalty over her, even if she was rejected, even if they never kissed again, she would be in love with James Potter and he'd damn well know it too.

She jolted awake with a startled breath, snapping her aching neck that had been twisted awkwardly against the bottom of her bed all night. Despite her body's soreness she felt more refreshed than she had in a week and she hurried to her feet without pause. The sun swam through her window as she rushed to get dressed, and she was draping her new scarf on not fifteen minutes later as she exited the Truth Mirror.

The fresh memories of her dream pushed her feet from a jog into a full sprint. The castle was newly deserted and she could hear the buzzing excitement from the pitch all the way from the entrance hall. The game hadn't started yet, but it was close enough to send onlookers into jubilant screeches.

Cutting across the lawn, she caught sight of the crimson and gold uniforms of the Gryffindor team as they made their way across the lawn- brooms thrown over their shoulders. She doubled her pace heading straight for them. "James!"

He didn't hear her at first, but after few more calls that didn't slow her feet the team paused, pointing out the spectacle with perplexed expressions.

"James!" She cringed at the volume level finally catching up to them. "I need to talk to you!"

His face spiked with incredulousness glancing at the boisterous crowd in the distance and then back to her. She'd always had a weakness for uniforms, but she doubted very much that there had ever been anything in the history of the world that was as attractive as James was in that moment. She could appreciate that even through her nerves and gasping breaths. "It'll only take a moment…Please."

A half a second pause was all it took for the Quidditch Captain to wave on his team reluctantly, and then stare at her expectantly. Sirius lingered longer than the rest, dragging his feet and casting them startled looks like he could sense the oncoming revelation about to occur. She fought the urge to call after him that she was sorry.

"Lily!" James snapped irritated of her distraction. "We're really not going to this again are we? I told you I can't be the way we-."

"Shut up." She squared her shoulders and focused her blazing emerald eyes on him fully. "For once you just need to shut up and let me teach you something! Because the way I feel about you has nothing to do with need."

Taking a deep breath, she poured her soul into every word. Each phrase, each sentence, each truth burned with importance and her need to make him feel it. "It's because you _saw _me. It's because you knew that I didn't need _you _to fix me. All I needed was to know that it wasn't okay to accept anything less. It's because you see every single one of my imperfections and you loved me anyways."

She'd grown so accustomed to the irritation in her palm that she didn't even notice anymore as she ran the itching skin along the leg of her jeans. She offered the burning limb out as evidence now. "Last year you kissed my palm and it started as an itch that turned into a burn that set me on fire from the inside out."

"I don't _need_ you, James." A smile turned her lips despite the unsatisfying reality. "If you can't be with me then I'm not going to die. I'll live the rest of my life and I'll be happy… But if you give us a chance- we could burn together."

"I am in love with you, James Potter. And I know sometimes that love isn't enough…but for us it would be."

He gaped at her. The forgotten crowd roared behind them in the pitch as his name was announced and it shook him enough to glance towards the looming game. He blinked heavily as if trying to clear a thick fog, but even when he opened his mouth to speak no words came out.

"You don't have to say anything now." She insisted as a gust of wind twisted her hair around her face. "I just thought you should know."

He nodded sharply and she was proud of him for forming a response at all. With surprisingly controlled movements he turned away from her and headed to the field, while Lily made the long climb up the stands to where the Gryffindors cheered.

"I thought you weren't going to make it!" Kat clapped excitedly, patting the seat she'd saved for Lily. It was just the two of them and Lily sat down feeling slightly dazed, taking in the game that had already started. "Potter nearly missed the releasing of the Snitch, but he seems to be making up for it now."

Lily's stomach flipped much in the same manner of James' broom as he executed a perfect flying maneuver and scored.

"Potter's streak puts Gryffindor up by forty." The announcer told the cheering students. "I bet the Gryffindors are hoping their captain's enthusiasm can put a little pep in Seeker Ruby Greene's step. Someone get her a Pepper-Up potion ASAP."

Lily blocked out the announcer's jokes that no one laughed at but himself. She let her mind numb with the action of the game, fighting off the urge to vomit after what she'd just done. After her dream, which was already blurring into something she could barely remember, her vision had sculpted into a tunnel with the singular goal of telling James how she felt.

But as her brain cleared so did all the reasons she'd been keeping the information secret.

She was absolutely terrified. She hadn't just put herself out there. She'd thrown her body into oblivion without the slightest care that he'd be there to catch her. It was all up to him now and offering up that level of control to anybody was horrifying. As her thoughts turned sour so did the game for Gryffindor.

James was doubled teamed and rendered almost completely ineffective, while Marley took a bad fall that damaged her broom and reduced her to a chugging pace that was easily aimed at. Ruby Greene couldn't even stop sneezing long enough to fly her broom correctly much less capture the Snitch. Ravenclaw capitalized on all the shortcomings and quickly turned the game into a massacre. James' forty points were doubled by the Ravenclaw Chasers, then tripled, then quadrupled, and then Lily stopped counting.

"Go!" Kat suddenly screeched with all the other Gryffindors a second before Lily saw Ruby Greene rocket through the sky after the flying gold ball that flecked obviously in the sun.

But James wasn't encouraging the Seeker like everyone else on the pitch had stopped to do. Wait- what? Why were the Ravenclaws cheering her on too? No one else noticed his actions though- not gifted the sixth sense of awareness she'd developed for him. The Ravenclaw Seeker wasn't even trying for the Snitch and as James took off toward the opposite goalpost, Lily realized why.

If Ruby caught the Snitch now the game would be over and Gryffindor would lose thanks to the uneven score. With the Quaffle tucked under his arm in perfect form, James raced against his own Seeker for the win. His sharp flying attracted the attention of the crowd and horrified Gryffindor supporters deftly realized the mistake.

Quicker and quicker they flew in opposite directions for the same goal. Air left the pitch as everyone sucked in watching Callum prepare to defend the post as James raised his arm and Ruby extended her small fingers to the glinting Snitch.

The Quaffle flew from James' hands with masterful force whizzing passed Callum's shocked face, just as Ruby turned with an ecstatic smile and raised the surrendered Snitch above her head…

And the Ravenclaws went wild with celebration.

The jubilant house rushed to exit the stands and Lily got separated from Kat swept away in the fray. It was easier to just go with the flow rather than fight the currents of victorious Ravenclaws. They poured onto the field from the narrow stairs and Lily was vomited to the side as they danced and reveled.

She stood unsure of Kat's location and what she should do when the blue clothing parted and James met her eyes across the field. He was alone and sweat did its best to suffocate the erratic locks of raven that stuck out from every angle, but only sufficiently stuck a view strands to his forehead.

She'd been wrong before. There had never been anyone as perfect as he was in _that _moment. His hazel eyes blazed with intensity as they stared unabashedly. She was drawn to him like a purposeful magnetic and she knew he could feel it too as they walked toward the center of the pitch. Students of the winning house shuffled around them blocking their view every once in a while, but never rendering their path.

They stopped once they'd reached each other and she studied the hard lines of his face. They were angry lines. And she tried to read the turbulence that stormed behind his eyes. The silence only boomed between the unnoticed couple as shouts and cries erupted around them. She was so scared her hands shook and when she couldn't take the unknown anymore she prepared to speak.

But as her lips pursed, calm suddenly overtook his features and he took her by the shoulders and kissed her like it had been the greatest victory he ever won.

His lips were hot and all she could do was try to drink him in. His arms didn't settle on her waist. They wrapped around her like he would never be able to let her go. Her body curved into his and it was all she could do because she wanted to soak this moment into every pore. She wanted to live in this feeling for the rest of her life.

Because it was perfect. It was the moment that made it _all _worth it.

When she pulled back he smiled the most brilliant smile she'd ever seen. Had she ever really seen him smile before? It didn't feel like it.

"No, Sirius. Don't!" It was the first sound that infiltrated their bubble and the only warning before James was ripped out of her arms.

It was hard to tell if the Head Boy was too shocked by the sudden actions to defend himself or simply chose not to as his best mate cocked his fist back before wrenching it into James' face with a powerful crunch on contact. It was one punch and Sirius stopped, breathing through bursts and James slowly raised his hunched back, still gripping his bleeding nose.

"What the fuck?" Sirius' long black hair was loose as he towered over James without an indication of violence again.

James eyes cut to her surrounded by shocked bystanders and their even more shocked friends.

"Don't look at her!" Sirius bellowed with wild eyes.

The Head Boy straightened fully with nothing but apology in his eyes. He turned back to Lily and wrapped their hands together tightly before pulling her away. The crowd parted for their exit and she kept her eyes down unwilling to meet her peers' judgmental gazes.

James and Lily were silent as they digested what they'd just done. Not because they regretted it, but because the pain they'd inflicted was undeserved and somehow unavoidable. There were no excuses to give Sirius. No apologies that would ease his hurt. If their friendships could be salvaged, it wouldn't be today. But maybe they could start tomorrow. And if not then the next day. They'd find a way to make it right, but right now there was nothing to say.

Lily had to accept that one person's 'right' was not always 'right' to everyone else. Baker once told her that she was making the right decisions in all the wrong circumstances, and as messy as this was- it was right for her.

The couple was silent all the way back to the suite, but they'd stayed connected through their hands until they entered and James dropped her grasp walking over to a seat and collapsing in front of the fire with a thump. Lily watched him bury his face in his hands unsure of what to do or say. His actions rushed her with a queasy guilt.

What if he regretted what happened? What if he was thinking about marching back onto the pitch and publicly shunning her while begging for Sirius' forgiveness?

She forced her feet forward and took the seat beside them. Snitch, hearing his favorite owner's entrance, scuttled onto the couch between them. It was just another barrier at this point. She'd thought that once they revealed their secret that all the walls that separated them would disappear.

_I'm sorry._ The instinctual words went unspoken, and she'd never been so thankful to squash an urge. It would've been the worst thing she could possibly say. But she had to say something… "Thank you."

He peeked out of his hands with an indiscernible expression. Staring at her a moment longer, he stood with a groan that reminded her of the physical battle he'd just lost on the Quidditch pitch in a game that had lasted most of the day. Warily, she held her seat watching him walk away from her with sadness. Apparently some walls just didn't 'disappear,' no matter how badly she wanted them too.

"Lily?" He turned suddenly at his doorway and looked back at her with a questioning face. "Aren't you coming?"

Some walls you had to tear down yourself. She nodded with a small smile and followed him into this dark room where he was pulling off his shoes. He had to be exhausted and even though it was early she didn't mind going to sleep. They could both use the rest. Climbing into his bed, the Head Students lay down without touching but remained close enough to feel the other's warmth. Wiggling uncomfortably, something still felt…off.

"What are you doing?" James asked when she slid off her side of the mattress.

Ignoring him for the time being, she walked right up to his lavatory door. She stared at the ominously closed door for a long moment before turning back to him with a meaningful look. Holding his gaze the entire time, she opened the door as wide as it would go.

The silence broke with a rapture of unrestrained laughter that was so unexpected Lily's steps were almost stunted as she made her way back to him. She could only stare at him as he threw his head back and laughed with joyful relief. Earlier she'd questioned whether she'd ever really seen him smile before, and now she was positive she'd never experienced the fullness of his laugh. He was so…alive. Everything about James Potter was undeniably vital and booming with life.

When she was once again draped by the quilts on his bed, he immediately reached out to take her hand and her cold toes sought the warmth of his legs, and the boy and girl that had woken up alone fell asleep together.

It wasn't a sunset, but it was a start.

***000***

**Author's Note:** _Well that was supposed to be a lot longer and progress the story a bit more, but I figured after my extended absence y'all wouldn't mind the shorter version of chapter 15. If you're upset about the delay I give you full permission to yell at my professors. I'm not happy about their goal of completely sabotaging my social and artistic lives either. My muse was also not up for play time, but with your kind reviews in mind I made due. Also for those of you thinking that there were some rather random character debuts I will once again promise you that I never do ANYTHING without a reason, and it's never as 'random' as you might think. I'm just as hopeful as you that an update is soon to follow. _

Things I'd LOVE feedback on (anything and everything of course, but particularly):

**ONE. **The return of the prophetic dreams is left intentionally vague and I realized I might have really confused some people there. I REALLY wanted to leave it up to your interpretation because there is no concrete answer. That being said, I'd love to hear said interpretations and what you thought about the whole shenanigan.

**TWO.** Obviously the get together scene between James and Lily… Oh you know, just that little thing the entire story has been building up to. Was it worth it? Too sappy? Just right?

**THREE**. Do you look forward to seeing their relationship progress or does this feel like the end of the story? I feel like them getting together was only half the battle and obviously they have a long way to go before they become the couple we know and love. What do you look forward to the most? (I'm always looking to give the reader what they want and if you are particularly curious about one upcoming aspect I have no problem writing a little extra)

**FOUR.** Did anyone pick up on the significance of the chapter title "Friendly Fire" and its meaning in this particular chapter?

**As always the "Behind the Scenes" will be updated on my profile. **

For those that requested an update on my earlier trips in the year, I have to say that I had a FABULOUS time (how could I not? Since my team won and all .)


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. I'm not making any money.

**Dedication**: This chapter is for everyone out there recommending my story to others. It makes me so happy to hear that someone directed a reader to LAOT because they enjoyed it enough to want to share it. You guys make my word count worth it. I've seen it on Tumblr and a few websites, and it makes my day!

**Previously:** FINALLY, James and Lily got on the same page. She told him how she felt and he kissed in stunning fashion with the whole school watching after a disappointing Quidditch loss to Ravenclaw. Sirius hadn't taken the revelation well, punching his best mate in the face. Lily, Kat, Evie, and Marley used to make up the girl's Gryffindor dorm for their year, but Lily moved into the Head Suite and Evie ran off with Xenophilius Lovegood. Kat and Lily both promised to do something brave when Lily is trying to convince Kat to go for it with Remus- which Kat completed by going for it with Remus and they've started a very low key relationship that only their close friends are aware of. Baker was awarded the Ring of Honor for his heroic services in the Aurors, and when he dies the ring was passed to Lily with the obligation of doing something with it that Baker would want. She wears the ring on a chain around her neck. James and Lily discovered a secret passage way in the Head Suite that leads directly to the kitchens through a muggle cookbook on a bookshelf.

A Divination Seminar that Lily participated in last term was supposed to tell them what their last thoughts would be, but for unexplained reasons has left her with possibly prophetic dreams about the deaths of her friends. Suffering from sleep deprivation, the nightmares take her to the night of the Simmons' murders, and she was forced to watch firsthand as Honor Simmons died. Lily spent the summer living at the Magical Menagerie in Diagon Alley where she fell in love with a Knut sized turtle named Harvey and he came to live with her at Hogwarts as a gift from Mr. Price. At the end of sixth year, Kat who had grown up an only child (and a spoiled one at that) was forced into sisterhood when her mother gave birth. Kat detest the baby, but Lily caught her planning to give her little sister, Medina, a pink stuffed animal for Easter.

**Warning:** I feel like I should give a warning and reminder that this story is rated M. This is in concern to sexual situations as well as violence, cursing, and other unpleasantness. Enjoy!

Chapter Sixteen

Roses Only

It was raining. Somewhere outside of the bubble of comfort, soft liquid tasted the ground as they met and became one. It wasn't enough to make Lily want to completely forgo the luxury of slumber, but it tickled at the back of her consciousness, weaving its way into her dreams.

It was late morning, threatening to push into the afternoon. She'd gotten up earlier, slipping from the bed silently so as to not wake up James. He'd looked so peaceful. His glasses safely folded on the bedside cabinet and his arms folded under his head where his pillow should have been. Maybe he preferred to sleep without a pillow. She'd never noticed before.

In the lavatory she'd discarded the clothes she'd slept in, only to pull on one of James' shirts from the pile of fresh laundry the elves had left. She had freshened up, brushing her teeth and untangling the rat's nest that had transformed her hair overnight. Creeping back into the Head Boy's room, she had been happy to note he hadn't moved an inch. Without the stiff day clothes cutting into her skin she had every intention of rejoining him and she had done just that, falling asleep as if the disturbance had never even occurred.

The rain had stopped the next time Lily felt the draw of reality. Something else- something stronger- pulled at her now.

He was staring at her. She could feel it even with her eyes closed. Her hyperawareness of him was odd, unlike anything she'd ever experienced before, almost supernatural.

"What the hell are you doing?" She asked holding her eyelids closed a moment longer. Was he watching her sleep? It might have been sweet if it was anyone else, but James had never been exactly sweet.

She was comforted by his expression when she finally opened her eyes at his persistent silence. He was turned on his side, facing her with his glasses back in place and elbow supporting his head off the bed so he could study her. His eyes held a hint of affection, a dollop of caution, and a whole lot of speculation. "I was trying to decide if I needed to get a priest to perform an exorcism. You slept like you'd been possessed by a demon. I feared for my safety… You growled."

She rolled her eyes. "I might have nudged you once- twice at the most. And I don't growl!"

He motioned for her to observe the bed around them. The evidence supported his claims. All of the covers were twisted around her limbs, leaving his side bare of even a mattress cover. She also realized his missing pillow had somehow come to be claimed by her side of the bed. "About halfway through the night I realized that I was meant to be relegated to this single corner and-."

"It stopped raining." She noted changing the subject eagerly. He'd never stop teasing otherwise.

The room was now bright with sunlight as if not a single cloud blocked the happy rays. She noticed other things about the room too. Moisture clung to the air with the sweet scent of soap. And James, who had passed out in his Quidditch trousers the night before, now wore thin lounge pants that were scarred with patches that had been re-stitched on. The water hadn't been outside. It had been the bath.

"Raining?" His brow wrinkled in confusion. "It hasn't-."

He sucked in a harsh breath as her cold hand smoothed down his bare arm. Her eyes had fully cleared of sleep and she was helpless to the soft glow of his freshly showered skin. He was warm and the kind of soft that only a long shower left behind. Her eyes followed her teasing fingers as they traveled back up his toned arm to spread liberally across is naked chest.

She was mesmerized by the texture and radiated heat, as if the past was written all over his unblemished body. With grotesquely slow movements she touched him everywhere- not to discover, but to claim. She stared at the loose drawstrings that tickled her palm without making the slightest motion to free the hardness she could see growing beneath. His stomach quivered underneath her distracted attentions, and she looked up at him questioningly.

His gaze was fierce, turning her insides into molten lava, but also hard and unwavering. He was on top of her in an instant, pushing his body down on hers fully. She gasped loudly from the pressure and the obscene hardness. His arms wrapped tightly around her, holding her head to the bed when she tried desperately to meet his lips. He gazed down at her with the same look of fierceness that meant something more- something she didn't understand.

She was helpless against him. He was in complete control and she almost growled in frustration, but couldn't take the teasing that he would surely retaliate with. She glared up at his unchanged expression. "I could make you kiss me, you know."

He didn't say a word, unconcerned by her declaration and distracted by whatever storm that was always raging beneath the surface. It was a challenge to her. He held her head in place, but not her hands. Fingernails ran up and down his sides with the briefest sensation. Her only reward a shiver, but at least she knew she was affecting him. She uselessly tried to wiggle against him, but he was flat against her and unyielding.

The flimsy trousers became her ally and the overworked drawstring came loose easily, allowing her to free him of them down to his thighs. It was just enough to feel the warmth of his member pressing against the soaked material of her knickers. She wiggled again, not for his benefit this time, but as a slave to her own desire.

"Don't you want to be inside of me, James?" Her voice was husky as she stared up at his marble façade. "I want you so badly- need you. Just push into me. Fill me up until I scream. I want to come around your big co-."

His actions were as fast as lightning- one hand ensnaring the both of her hands above her head, while the other wedged between them, yanking her knickers to the side. She bucked up at him nearly crying out without even being entered. His thickness pressed against her- so large, but he didn't push in even though she could see the glassiness of his eyes and the sharpness of his breaths.

"Say it again." He demanded.

She whimpered wantonly. "Anything."

The storm broke in his eyes like a thunderstorm down his face until she could plainly read the need- for more than just the physical, but for the emotional. "Tell me you love me again."

Lily was silent staring up at him, torn between two unbelievable needs. He had already surrendered though. She could see it in his eyes. He didn't hold her back this time when captured his lips. Their mouths twisting together so desperately it was almost violent. She pulled back only for a second to whisper. "No."

He plunged into her savagely, stretching her until her knees were as weak as jelly. She had called his bluff and they were both reaping the rewards. He rocked into her relentlessly until the world was nothing but a swirl of sweat and heat and the knocking of the headboard into the wall behind them- every penetration a delightful punishment for her denial. He didn't hold back though whimpering "I love you" again and again as if he could force it upon her.

She came in a dizzying moan. Her body rocketed by aftershocks each time he pushed into her again. Breathless and satisfied she watched him pour into her. His face twisting with pleasure so biting that it brought the echoes of pain. He was truly beautiful in a way that she never would be. His honesty, his sureness, his vitality- made him so much more.

He tried to pull away. She could see the raw hurt that had been squelched by their pleasure. She held onto him, not letting him move an inch. He was still inside her and she liked the intimacy. "I love you too much to let you think you have to manipulate me into saying it James Potter."

He remained frozen for a moment before accepting her words and relaxing onto the bed, taking her with him. "Bloody wench."

She glared at him. "We really need to work on your pillow talk, Potter. So far you've accused me of being demon possessed and called me a wench."

He laughed, rolling onto his back to stretch unashamed of his nudity. In fact he was so natural it made her feel as if she was the one who should feel uncomfortable somehow remaining in his shirt and her knickers. How her knickers survived that encounter was beyond her. "What would you prefer? How about 'baby'? Or maybe you're up for something a little more original- say… 'Lilykins'? There's always the classic 'darling'."

She smiled unwillingly. "I think I've had enough nicknames to last a lifetime… Why don't we just stick to 'Lily'?"

He sighed happily reaching out to take her hand before a grimaced racked his features. "Lovely Lily."

"I was never Lovely to you though, was I?" She rolled to her side so she could study his face. Only he would understand the real depth the question held.

"No." He remarked sourly, angry that this subject had been able to creep into the bed. "You've always just been Lily to me. I didn't need her to love you. Your flaws make you who you are… A rose couldn't survive without its thorns after all."

A strange unfamiliar feeling prickled at her neck. "I suppose I'm not really 'Lovely Lily' to anyone anymore. Not now…"

There was so much between them- an entire universe of unspoken realities. They'd spent so much time ignoring the truths of their situation that even now the words just wouldn't materialize. The silence was foreboding- not uncomfortable, that didn't exist between them anymore- but it pressed on her to remain quiet. It was frustrating and she was absolutely fed up with it and she refused to let this –anything- come between them!

"Sirius." She said calmly, neither a declaration nor an acknowledgment. It felt so unbelievably odd to have that name with them like this. It had been a taboo before. The only way they had been able to live with themselves before had been to completely dissociate Sirius from them when they were together. She just wanted to say it to prove she could.

His face shuttered involuntarily. "Pardon me?"

"Wow, we didn't get struck by lightning or die on the spot or anything." She remarked. "I just think we've become so conditioned to the idea that what we're doing is wrong that if we don't find a way to break out of it, everyone else will think it's wrong too."

"Lily," He began- his tone leaving no question that she wasn't going to like the rest of what he had to say. "Leave Sirius alone."

"I agree that for right now he needs space." She nodded with agreeing words.

"No… It's done." He got out of bed, pulling on clothes as he went.

"What's done?" A hysterical laugh bubbled at the absurdity. "He's your best mate, James…No, he's your _brother_! You can't mean that you're just okay with losing him from your life forever!"

He turned back to her with rage in his eyes. "It's done, Lily! Leave it alone. You can't possibly understand the-the…betrayal that he feels right now. I did that to him. I did it!"

"But we can fix it. Don't you see? We have to at least try! He's important to me too." She stood toe to toe with him, unwilling to back down, her voice sharp and condemning.

"Oh, I know that!" He shot back this time with bitterness that clenched all the way down to his shaking fists. "I didn't just realize I was in love with you yesterday, Lily. In case you've forgotten I had to watch every day while you proved just how important _he_ was to you for a year."

"This is about your jealousy? That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard!" She shouted at him, pushing all her energy out until she suddenly felt exhausted. Stepping back she sat weakly on the bed. "And I couldn't take it if I was the reason. I've loved you all since I was eleven. I don't think I could live with the fact that I ruined that. You're the Marauders for Merlin's sake!"

He remained standing, but his voice was calm when he spoke. "I made a choice. It wasn't rash. It wasn't forced. With you- I never had a choice about the way I felt. I still don't. Being in love with you isn't a choice at all... But when I kissed you, I had a choice. I knew all the consequences and repercussions, and I chose you. I knew that it meant losing Sirius…and maybe some part of me is still angry with him for loving you when you were mine all along, but it doesn't matter. These are the choices that were made. We all just have to live with it now."

She didn't know why his attitude surprised her so much. It was an essentially 'James' thing to do. When she and Sirius had started dating, he hadn't fought it or made a fuss. They made their decision and that was that. Maybe it was just because it was Sirius and James and the epic-ness of that just seemed too big to touch or alter. He was good at repressing…to a point. He was excellent at accepting…to a point. She just had to find the right point.

"How about lunch?" He grinned slipping on his mask again, and accepting her silence as understanding of his position.

She made a face.

"We'll take the passage. I'm not ready for the stares either." He assured her and she agreed.

And they did exactly that. They shared a Sunday alone, enjoying the newness of their relationship. And shagging…lots of that. She slept in her own bed that night, avoiding James' teasing about her sleeping habits, but also unwilling to fall into the trap of too much too fast. Monday morning came and they went through their routine only making remarks here and there to break up the comfortable silence.

They took the passage to the kitchens for breakfast with Lily's promise that it was just "one more time," and then there were no more excuses. It was time to face reality.

Walking to class the Head Boy and Girl didn't hold hands or even touch, but from the way the students parted for them one would think she had her legs wrapped around his waist with his tongue down her throat. Care of Magical Creatures was meeting by the Great Lake and James and Lily arrived with the last group of stragglers.

The class circled around the professor and as the older woman droned on about the magical swans they were going to be observing, Lily stared at the huge distance between them and their friends. James' spot within the Marauders was left hideously gaping- like an open wound or missing finger. It was wrong. He belonged to them- neither whole without the other. Her hand twitched, but she resisted the urge to reach out and touch him. He belonged to her too.

She tried to catch Kat's eye, but the other girl was always looking somewhere else. Lily couldn't tell if she was ostracizing them with the rest of the group or just lacking attention when it came to Care of Magical Creatures.

After awhile she gave up and concentrated on the beautiful swans that draped across the landscape before them. Some floating like feathers across the surface of the Great Lake while others perched on the shore a few feet from where she stood. They were beautiful and pure solid white. There were two that stayed away from the others that were as black as midnight, but just as beautiful.

"Purus Swans." James told her after the professor dismissed them to their assignment. "I'll never understand how you manage to get top marks when your mind is always in the clouds."

"How are they magical?" She asked ignoring his comment and following him to an isolated swan as the group dispersed to find their own.

"Their presence brings protection. Lots of purebloods like to fill their properties with them. The feathers are used for potions and even wand cores. That's what we're doing- collecting feathers." He told her trying to ease closer to the peaceful swan. Lily took a step closer as well, but the swan eyed her warily. "They don't like crowds. I'll get both of ours."

She wanted to disagree and insist she could participate just as much as he did, but her mind just wasn't in it today.

Hagrid, the gamekeeper, was lingering a little ways down the lake and Lily decided to go say hello. She'd always liked him.

"Mornin' there Lily!" He greeted cheerfully, throwing another handful of feed into the lake.

"Hello Hagrid." She smiled taking a spot beside him as they both stared out over the lake. At first she was confused by his actions and then a green head popped out of the surface and snatched a bit of the food Hagrid had thrown. The action was repeated several different times over the wide area he'd tossed the food. "I didn't know the Great Lake had turtles!"

"'Course it does. I figure just about everything lives somewhere in there. Lot deeper than yer' think it is." He told her in his deep rolling voice.

"I have a pet turtle." She smiled thinking about her tiny friend. "He's a lot smaller than those turtles though."

"Yer' should bring 'em around sometime. I'd love to meet the lil' fella."

She nodded thinking that Harvey would probably enjoy that as well. He loved being around new friends, showing off his best tricks upon meeting.

When she was done talking to the large gamekeeper she started back to her mingling class when a pen set a bit off the lake caught her eye. Two girls no older than second years crowded around the small topless fence, and as Lily approached it was easy to see why. Baby swans as white as their parents swarmed in the enclosure, waddling around and falling over themselves clumsily. It was positively adorable.

"Aren't they just darling?" One of the little girls gushed, reaching down to nuzzle a baby swan on the head.

"I wish I could keep one!" The other girl told Lily earnestly as if as Head Girl she had the authority to make this dream come true.

"They'd miss their mums if they went to live with you now." Lily told her gently standing along the pen with them. "I admit they're tempting though."

She'd only just begun to incline down to pet one of the creatures when something slammed into her so hard that she was flung to the ground. The fall knocked all air out of her lungs instantly, but the thing that had attacked her didn't relent. In a flurry of feathers she was plucked and bitten viscously all the while a horrible disorienting screeching filled her ears. She reacted instinctively kicking outwards trying to dislodge the possessed animal, but missed and lost a chunk of hair in the process.

All at once someone had the deranged swan away from her and she was being pulled up into a pair of sturdy arms. Hagrid fought with the swan a few feet away as it still tried to get at Lily.

"Get away from the swanlings!" Someone shouted, maybe Hagrid, maybe the professor. She was too disoriented to tell.

She was dragged away limping and confused along with the whole class that had rushed over to see the commotion.

"What the bloody hell?" James exclaimed to no one in particular, pulling feathers from her fussed hair and checking her for other injuries in a rapid cycle again and again.

The shock was starting to where off and pain set in. She'd been tackled, bitten, and she was sure she'd seen at least a handful of her long hair on the ground. As her eyes pricked and lip quivered, she'd never felt more like a girl. She gulped down the emotions. It was silly and she fought hard to regain her composure. "I saw the girls playing with the babies. I-I-I wasn't going to hurt them. I-I-I just wanted to pet one."

The group crowded around her and listened to her explanation, temporarily distracted from scandal. Marley voiced their confusion. "Professor, why did the Purus Swan attack Lily and not the other girls? Lily wasn't even touching them."

To all of their surprise the professor blushed bright pink before collecting herself enough to answer. "A Purus Swan is dependent upon purity to retain their powers. If the purity is disrupted before maturity- even to the slightest touch, the swan will turn from its natural white to solid black and lose all magical properties. The mother Purus felt threatened and did what was necessary to protect her young."

The seventh year Slytherin and Gryffindors were silent as they pondered this response, perplexed by their teacher's clinical explanation.

It was Evan Rosier who came to the conclusion first with a burst of ecstatic laughter. "So the swan attacked Evans because _she's not a VIRGIN_!"

It was a nightmare. It had to be a nightmare. She might as well have been standing in the Great Hall during dinner stark naked while they critiqued her form over chicken pot pies and cherry pastries. Her cheeks scorched painfully as the thirty or so witnesses set her on fire with their condemnatory eyes. Lips puckering in a surprised 'O,' she helplessly wondered how fast this news would travel through Hogwarts. Would their entire year know by lunch? Would a group a first years discuss it by the fire of the common room that night pretending to understand the adult nature of the gossip? Would her professors be shaking their heads over her essays tomorrow?

She blinked long and hard trying to clear her vision of this horrendous truth and when she opened them, hard grey eyes waited for her. Standing at the edge of crowd, the boy she'd thought she'd been in love with for a year stared back at her. There was no judgment, no anger- all that was there was betrayal. Betrayal so pure that for an instant she wondered if James was right, maybe it couldn't be fixed.

"Damn… Potter works fast." Someone chortled in the sea of faces. She couldn't see who said it, her eyes whipping around the gathered circle that seemed to multiply as her shame grew.

She saw Snape though. His black hair tied back and body slumped with the posture he'd carried since they were nothing more than neighborhood kids jumping off swings. For some reason while at any other moment she could erase him from her everyday life like a chorus member in the play of her reality, she could not push him into the background at that moment. His face was blank- so blank it was like he'd left his mind behind. Maybe he had.

Lily wished she could join him. She would have done almost anything to escape this torture.

"Class dismissed!" The professor cried trying to settle the uproar that had become her class. "Potter, take the Head Girl to the Hospital Wing to be looked over."

"Yeah, she might be pregnant!" A faceless voice called, rallying the class into a tizzy again.

It seemed James was barely paying attention to the situation, still pulling feathers off her and smoothing her clothes as if blood would suddenly starting spurting from a body part. She wanted to shake off his worry, but was too shocked to do anything- even move.

"What are you a bunch of first years?" A new voice declared strong and sure above the raucous class. "If you all are so amazed by sex maybe you should go home and ask mummy and daddy about the birds and bees… Grow up the lot of you!"

And then her defender was at her side, taking the arm James didn't have, and they both led her up to the castle. Kat didn't even blink at the group she had just scolded as they left them behind.

"Oh, dear!" Cried a distracted Madame Pomfrey, seeing Lily's tattered state as they entered. "Let me just finish this potion and I'll be with you right away."

The matron disappeared into her office. The three seventh years stood silently for a minute before the dam finally broke and Lily burst into embarrassed sobs. James and Kat helped her to the nearest bed and she hiccupped through another round of tears. "That was mortifying!"

"Now." Kat amended with a cautious grin spreading across her face. "In a few years that story will be gold."

"And Evans, I really think we might need to evaluate your strength because you were just nearly murdered by a bird." James said joining in on Kat's encouraging grin.

Laughter bubbled with her tears. "Thank you."

"Potter, why don't you shove off for a bit? I'll make sure Lily gets properly looked over." Kat said with a pointed look.

James took the hint and looked to Lily imploringly. "I'll see you at lunch?"

"Discounting any vengeful swans, I'll be there." She tried her own joke to match theirs, but it was soggy and unconvincing.

"So…" Kat perched on the hospital bed across from Lily once James had made his exit.

For months she'd wanted to spill her guts to Kat about everything going with James, but now that everything was out in the open she was having a hard time thinking of what to say. "Yep."

"I guess we did both promise to do something brave." She fussed with her dark fringe as she spoke reminding Lily of the forgotten promise she'd made when trying to convince Kat she should confront her feelings for Remus. "Snogging James Potter in front of the entire school definitely takes a certain amount of courage."

"Somehow I don't think that's exactly what Godric Gryffindor had in mind." Lily snorted, patting her drying cheeks and wiping away any leftover smudges. "I'm sorry I haven't been completely honest with you the past few months."

Kat sighed, her petite body deflating as she swung her legs freely off the side of the bed. She was so short they didn't even brush the ground, whereas Lily's feet were planted firmly across from her. "How did we manage to get so far apart?"

Lily knew she didn't mean the physical space that separated them. It was the same distance she'd felt with Evie even before she had left Hogwarts. "Maybe that's just what happens when you grow up."

"You're still my best mate." Kat insisted stubbornly with a spark in her blue eyes.

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Lily assured her. She needed to hold onto their friendships. They shared so much of the same history. Kat, Lily, and Evie had come to Hogwarts as strangers to this overwhelming world. For years they'd been the only constants in a life that just wouldn't slow down no matter how much they wanted it to. She would always love Kat, but the ease of the past was gone between them now.

Lily began to say something else, but the matron returned and began her examination. Twenty minutes later, a healed and featherless Lily emerged from the Hospital Wing with Kat beside her.

"James Potter, huh?" The shorter girl asked after a long moment of reflective silence. "How long has that been going on?"

Lily tried to mute her brilliant smile in return. "A while, much to my chagrin."

She continued before Kat could question her statement. "I only started to fancy him last term, but I think I was in love with him for a lot longer than that… But I'd made such a mess dating Sirius-."

"We've far surpassed mess now." Kat cut in raising both her eyebrows in exaggeration. "The Marauders are in full on meltdown mode."

"That bad?" The Head Girl flinched.

"Worse." Kat met her eyes as they continued to walk to class. "Sirius has been through so much this year with his uncle and Honor and well…"

"Me." She supplied unhappily. "You know that I would never ever intentionally do anything to hurt him, right? I love Sirius, but I love him in the way that I love you and Peter and Remus. James and I would have never gone there if we both didn't know that it was worth it… And he is. James is worth it to me."

Kat stopped walking and turned to her with a somber face. "It's just all so sudden for the rest of us. You and James have had time to come to terms with all this I guess, but for the rest of us it's this huge bloody surprise… And, I mean, they're the ruddy Marauders! Everybody just kind of thought that no matter what other relationships bloomed or failed that their connection was impenetrable. I'm rambling, I know. I just don't know how to say what I'm trying to say."

The words stabbed at Lily's guilty conscious even though she knew it wasn't her old dorm mate's intention. She was just being honest, but facing the consequences they'd chosen didn't make them hurt any less.

Kat took a deep breath before beginning again. "I'm on your side, Lovely. I always will be, but I don't know if that means that I think all of this is right, or okay, or moral. I know a lot of people- a lot of our friends- think it's horrible. I know that Sirius is really really hurt and Remus and Peter don't know how to fix it."

"Kat." Lily whimpered almost a whisper, a plea for her to stop.

But Kat was wrapped up in her own words, not even noticing Lily had spoken. "It's funny- well, not funny- but it's ironic, I guess. Remus and Peter will both be running about trying to figure out what to do to help Sirius, and you can almost see it on their faces when they'll turn to ask James what to do and they realize he isn't there anymore… You and James were always the best with him and maybe that's why it's so horrible."

"I feel horrible." She suddenly felt exhausted.

"But you aren't horrible. And I don't suppose James is either." Kat rambled on. "I just wanted you to be prepared that things are going to be bad, and even if it might not always feel that way- I'm on your side. But I can see the others' side too."

"So what you're saying is?"

"I don't want to be in the middle of it." Kat released the statement with a great exhale as if she'd been holding her breath through the entire speech.

Lily summoned an indulgent smile. "It's okay, Kat. As much as I appreciate you standing up for me today, I can face this without needing back-up in every class. Even if things get bad, I'll know you're still my best mate. No apology or explanation necessary."

It wasn't until lunch that Lily could fully appreciate Kat's worry for the backlash they would face.

She'd only had one class before lunch and she'd arrived late, pulling her quill and parchment out immediately and successfully blocking out the outside world in favor the of the professor's lecture.

Unfortunately there was no amount of concentration on her soup that could block out the reality around them. James sat across from her equally silent but with twice the control over his facial reactions as they heard horrible things whispered in their direction. She had expected for them to have to find a new place at the Gryffindor table to eat, but upon arrival she'd discovered it was the rest of the group who had found a new spot.

She had turned away with every intention of finding a new place to sit too, but James' stoic face never faltered as he took his normal seat. She followed his example filing in across from him. It was horrible. She felt exposed and naked as they occupied the space haunted with the ghost of their spoiled friendships.

"Your birthday is next week." She remarked, unable to stomach the silence any longer.

His mask split for an instant showing surprise and pleasure that she'd remembered. "Pity. I was enjoying dating an older woman."

She laughed never having thought about it like that. Another strange idea occurred to her. "Is that what we are? Dating?"

He shrugged careful to keep his eyes trained on her and not to peek down the table where they belonged with their friends. "It's a bit late to back out now."

"It's just hard to see you in that role. I can't see you as anybody's boyfriend." Chewing on her lip, she thought over the label.

For a moment he looked like he might be insulted before his face relaxed into a different expression. "I don't really see us that way either… It's just like…"

"…It's just like we're together." She picked up where he could not find the words to describe them. "Like we're where we're supposed to be with each other. It just seems natural."

"Just so you know, I'm probably going to stick with girlfriend when I write to my mum." His smile cracked crookedly. "The other label is kind of a mouthful and if I went off spouting anything romantic she'd probably send a Healer to look me over. Or worse…she might decide to come herself."

"I'd like to meet your mum." She told him trying to conjure up the woman from memory. She was sure she'd seen her once or twice at some point over the last seven years.

"Oy… moving a bit fast, aren't you Evans?" He made a face.

Blushing horribly it took her a full five seconds to notice how close James was to breaking his accosted façade and laughing. She threw a cookie at him. "You arse!"

He caught the dessert and took a bite, chuckling the whole time at his joke. "I'd love for you to meet Mr. and Mrs. Potter. And they'd just looove you."

She smiled confidently at that. "I do give excellent parent."

Over the next week things continued in much of the same manner. It was James and Lily against the world, or at least that was how it felt most of the time. School was forced front and center into everyone's lives as the reality of NEWTS marched towards them. Most of Lily's time was consumed by school work or perfecting prefect duties. Her counterpart's life was going much the same with addition of Quidditch practice and dealing with the loss of his best mate.

On March twenty-seventh, Lily woke up early, making her way through the secret passage to the kitchens before returning not half an hour later. She didn't worry about waking him as she entered his room. He slept like the dead and didn't even flinch when she crawled onto his body, straddling his waist.

"Happy birthday, Potter." She whispered, still holding the small plate between them. A House Elf had been kind enough to whip up the special Snitch shaped treat and Lily had decorated the sweet with a single candle.

He opened his eyes with a pleased groaning sound as he stretched, snatching his glasses off the bedside cabinet smoothly. "Oh, it's you."

She swatted him with her free hand. "Were you expecting your other girlfriend?"

He smirked that infamous Marauder smirk and she was helpless to grin in return. "You'll do… as long as the cupcake is for me."

"You have to make a wish and blow out your candle first." She corrected him, holding the plate closer to his face.

He did as she instructed, closing his eyes in concentration before extinguishing the flame. She closed her eyes too, making a wish of her own. She hoped he was wishing to find a way to make things right with Sirius. His stubbornness was shocking, and it frightened her. What if she really had broken them? She'd never wanted that. She'd only wanted to be a part of them.

"Are you ready for your present?" She asked clearing her mind of the ominous thoughts.

He grabbed her hips suggestively, indicating exactly what he'd like his 'gift' to entail, but she shook him off. "What if I told you that we've been given the day off to complete some very serious Head business? I've already cleared it with Dumbledore and all our professors."

"I'd say I'd rather not spend my birthday doing Head business." He answered sensibly, causing Lily to borrow his smirk.

"What if I told you that I'd already taken care of said Head business and we have the whole day to do whatever you want?"

"Then I'd say you've been a very devious girl and could most definitely use a spanking." His grin was full as he rolled them over suddenly, squashing the forgotten treat between them as Lily squealed with laughter.

It was as close to a perfect day that Lily had ever had. They'd played games, had a picnic in their courtyard, watched as Snitch battled Lily for James' affection, and allowed Harvey to swim in the fountain after placing a warming charm on the water. When the sun set, James threw her over his shoulder and laid her on his bed. They had sex until she was lazily satiated and they both sprawled across his bed, now bare of anything save for them and unabashedly naked.

Lost in thought Lily toyed with the Ring of Honor on the chain around her neck. She never took it off, not even to shower. She didn't even notice James' attention until his hand reached up and wrapped around hers as it held the ring. It felt far more personal than what they'd just done. "Is it wrong to be jealous of him?"

She looked into his eyes startled by the prospect and also by the sudden mention to her dead best mate. James was so confident- so sure of himself. Jealousy just didn't mix into the picture she had of him in her mind. "What's there to be jealous of?"

"Did you love him?" He asked instead of answering. His hazel eyes darting back to the ring intertwined in their hands, as if he couldn't bear to watch her expression as she answered.

"Yes," She said with a certainty in her voice that nibbled at his composure. "I did."

"But you weren't in love with him." He told her, still not daring to look at her face.

She thought for a moment before responding. "I can't really explain what I had with Baker. He was…" Her voice cracked unbearably and she hated herself for having to fight against the lump in her throat. Would it ever stop hurting so much?

"I am jealous." James' gaze snapped to hers. "I'm jealous of the piece of you that died with him... It wasn't his to take."

She loathed the way that sounded on his lips. She pulled Baker's ring out of his grasp until only her fingers coddled the gold. "You're right. Baker took a piece of me with him when he died. Maybe like we belong to each other, Baker belonged to me too. Just like Sirius belongs to you. But Baker is dead. He _died_, and I'll never get to talk to him or joke with him again. He was… -there aren't even words for people like him and Sirius and what they mean to us! They're so much _more_... The difference is that I'll never get to have Baker again and you're just letting Sirius walk out of your life without even the slightest fight."

James turned away from her until she was only gifted with the sight of his back.

Her hand lifted to caress his skin and dissolve the distance between them, but she pulled back at the last second resolutely. She wanted James to be happy (it was his birthday, after all) but making him happy right now and making him happy in the long run were opposing entities for the time being. She needed to stand her ground. He needed to know that this wasn't okay.

The next day they returned to life, leaving the unsettled business to linger around them like persistent dust particles in an old room.

The dreams returned the week before Easter Holidays. They weren't nearly as horrific now that she knew she didn't have to feel them. As the fictional Baker had pointed out, she only had to accept it.

Every morning she woke up with only a vague sense of anguish that she couldn't nail down to any memory of the dream. Just as always, the terrors that haunted her nights were only ghostly flashes in her wakeful mind. They made her resentful of sleep though, and even though she often laid with James as he fell into peaceful slumber, she'd hold her mind alert for hours after eventually seeking the comforts of her own room where Harvey stood faithfully guard over her bed.

For a while she had been convinced that Harvey's health issues were somehow connected to her stress as if she radiated an aura of pain that even tiny emerald turtles weren't exempt from, but his returned sunny disposition now seemed to prove otherwise. He was once again the sensation of life, holding her captivated with zigzagging loops and twisting spins that she watched through the clear water of his pond as the moon made its rotation unnoticed through the sky outside.

"I don't fancy waking up alone." James murmured in her ear. She was still curled up in a ball facing Harvey's aquarium, and he sat in the small space her position allowed with his feet on the ground. He was already dressed for the day in a red jumper that softly hugged his shoulders.

She hadn't even realized she'd fallen asleep. It felt like she'd only blinked, lying on her side watching Harvey entertain her, but James had brought the sun with him and she knew it had been hours (if only a few) since she'd given in to the night. The dreams hadn't come though. Her heart didn't race from the sights she couldn't fully remember, and instead of waking up with a jolt, sleep clung to her fluttering eyelashes tempting her with restfulness. "-'m sorry. I'll do better."

His chuckle jostled her awake again only a moment later. "I think that was an empty promise, Ms. Evans."

She frowned at him, trying to compel her mind into full consciousness. It was unsuccessful however and her eyes drifted closed once again. Vaguely she felt his lips ghost across her temple. He sighed and whispered to himself in a way that she didn't know if she was supposed to hear. "I wish you had agreed to come with me for holiday."

"Someone has to keep Hogwarts safe while everyone's away." She mumbled not bothering to open her eyes anymore. It was a poor excuse and they both knew it, but she couldn't confess the real reason she was reluctant to spend Easter with his family.

James' parents were very close with Sirius. They considered him something of a second son, and she was secretly hoping that upon hearing about the rift they could talk some sense into the stubborn Head Boy. If she admitted this to James though, he would shut down like he always did when the subject came up, unwilling to even consider Sirius forgiving him.

"Well then I leave the school in very capable hands." His light voice masked any deeper feelings. "Unless a bevy of swans decide to invade, that is."

Groaning she twisted away from him and buried her face deep into the comforts of her sheets.

"I can't say that I wasn't expecting a different sendoff." His voice remained in good-humor.

"You're leaving now?" Her eyes opened wide for the first time as realization set in, and she wrestled against the quilts that ensnared her legs. "I was going to come see you off at the train. I wanted to see Kat."

"It's fine." His sincere voice pressed her back into the bed. "Do you really want to come and be gawked at by a bunch of students only interested in the gossip? And we both know that Cooper will be a terror today. She'll be so consumed with irritation at having to spend time with her little sister that she won't even notice you… I would tell you to go back to sleep, but you already are."

She jerked her eyelids up for a second caught, but not abashed enough to fully dismiss sleep.

There were things she wanted to say. She wanted to correct him, not that Kat wouldn't been milking the baby sister thing for all it was worth, but that Lily actually had sneaking suspicions after finding the small Easter gift that it was becoming more of an act than anything. Kat had secretly grown fond of the baby.

She wanted to tell him that she was sure that she'd miss him. She wanted to say that she loved him, but her thoughts had already cradled her down the river of dreamless sleep, and all she could do was mumble something of a combination of all of it.

Somewhere in the back of her mind she heard him laugh appreciatively at her attempt. "That was the most beautiful bunch of nonsense I've ever heard."

And then he was gone.

Her growling stomach woke her up around noon, and she showered and dressed swiftly in anticipation of the meal that awaited her.

Students were sparse, and she was surprised that a far greater number of Gryffindors were missing than at any of the other tables. Along with James- Kat, Marley, and Sirius had also left the castle, leaving a directionless Remus and Peter to wander back to their old spots near Lily. They twosome sat with a careful distance between them and the Head Girl, but she didn't miss the longing sideways peeks Peter was throwing her. Remus sat with the same calm yet uncomfortable posture that had always plagued him.

She was just building up the courage to try and make conversation when a slouching Callum Palmer slid into the seat opposite her.

Both remaining Marauders took notice of the evasion with suspicious glances that made Lily scowl at them. Of course this went unnoticed by the boys because they were too busy going back to resolutely ignoring her presence. They needed to make up their ruddy minds! They could either accept James' relationship with her, or continue acting like she didn't exist, but they couldn't have it both ways, daggering her with looks of betrayal as if she was doing something wrong to James by sitting with Callum, while refusing to admit they still even gave a damn about her or James.

"I didn't see you at breakfast." Callum smiled and spoke conversationally with his usual cheer that made his slight accent a little more pronounced. "I thought you might have decided to go with Potter."

She shook her head, swallowing her mouthful. "Can't say I'm not surprised to see you here though. I was looking forward to a fresh batch of the Palmer sister stories."

Callum's childhood had been terribly different from her own. He was one of five children and the only boy. She adored hearing him regale tales of growing up with three sisters, who enjoyed torturing him and pampering him in equal parts. Even though he complained about them, adding exaggerated groans and cheeky remarks to every account, there was a certain spark in his eye that was only present when he thought about his family.

He looked uncomfortable and squirmed uneasily in his seat. She suppressed a smile, knowing he was probably remembering a particular story that happened to be her favorite one, involving his sisters dressing him up as a girl and forcing him to pretend he was their sister "Callie" for two whole weeks. "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but with all the preparation that I put into the game against Gryffindor my marks suffered a tad."

Lily gasped dramatically, grinning widely. "What would Rowena Ravenclaw say?"

"She'd probably berate me very publicly, but then make sure to reward me loads of House points for the spectacular win. Not that anyone has even spoken a word about the match after they witnessed the show that followed." He teased in retaliation, running a confidant hand through his curly black hair. "I suppose I'll just have to beat the stuffing out of Hufflepuff to make them take notice, unless you and your boyfriend have another scandal planned, of course."

"Hufflepuff only has to hold you within twenty points and the cup is eligible to be won by any of the four houses." A clear female voice rang out from behind Lily.

"Prescott." Lily smiled widely as she turned to Piper gesturing for her to take the seat beside her. "I didn't know you were staying at Hogwarts."

"Father had some rather unexpected business to address." The golden haired Hufflepuff managed to sit down without spreading a single wrinkle across her well manicured robes. She looked down her straight nose at the Head Girl. "We have not spoken since you and Potter became a couple."

"Er…" Flushing red, Lily's brain malfunctioned as it searched for words. So much time had been consumed with concern over the Marauders and Sirius' reactions that she'd scarcely had time to consider how Piper would feel about the situation.

"I was taken by surprise." Piper said and Lily could tell that it didn't happen often from her tone. "We are friends."

As much as Lily enjoyed Piper's unique sense of direct honesty, sometimes it was just as confusing as dealing with someone who spoke in riddles. "Er…I'm sorry?"

And just like that, Piper nodded, and said with perfection conviction-. "It is going to rain today. The cloud density implies a large downpour."

Not sure whether to laugh or be suspicious, Lily avoided Callum's eyes. He'd already made his feelings about Piper perfectly clear.

"Well…the grass has been rather dry lately." Lily offered weakly, earning a snort from Callum.

"Yes." Piper nodded and then stood with a graceful abruptness that only she could perfect, without the slightest acknowledgement of the Ravenclaw sitting with them. She wasn't being rude. It was just her way. "I will see you at dinner."

Callum had just started to shake his head, trying to clear it of the whiplash that Piper Prescott left in her wake when she turned back to them sharply only a few paces away. "There is a party in the Hufflepuff common room on Wednesday night. We are friends and I would like you to come."

Lily nodded quickly, crossing her fingers under the table that Callum would be able to hold his disbelief in long enough to let the prefect out of hearing distance.

"It's official." He spoke and she relaxed watching her friend's blonde hair disappear out of the Great Hall. "I will never understand what you see in her. She's so peculiar…It's unsettling."

She shrugged in return. She didn't necessarily understand it either. "Well at least it got us invited to a little fun while the castle is deserted."

They finished their meal and set out to find things to occupy their time for their off days.

Between study sessions with Callum and interludes with Piper, the week was passing less painfully than she thought it would without James there to take half the brunt of the scandal they'd caused. It helped that half the school was gone as well and only forced her to interact with Remus and Peter who were both too fearful of confrontation to cause a stir.

The dreams had petered off since holiday began, but she was reluctant to find solace in their absence. Something unnerved her about the calm, though she was helpless to put a finger on the cause. She should have been happy. She was certainly well rested- possibly too well rested. It had been so long since sleep offered a haven of safety that she'd taken to overindulgence, remaining in bed until her joints were stiff and head fuzzy. She'd forgotten that sleeping too much could have the same effect of a lack of sleep, making her tired throughout the day.

When a third yawn caught her on the way to the Hufflepuff common room Wednesday night, she vowed to wake up early the next morning. She'd momentarily forgotten that the entrance was down the same long corridor as the Head Suite (just passed the kitchens), and was sure she'd be one of the first to arrive.

Scurrying into the barrel filled nook that disguised the tricky entrance, Lily pulled out her wand and carefully counted up two barrels from bottom in the middle row. With quick well placed taps on the wooden barrel she hummed out the tune of 'Helga Hufflepuff' along with her rhythm. She had no desire to experience the sneaky repelling device that she'd learned about only upon her initiation as Head Girl.

There was a long pause that made her cringe, closing her eyes with anticipation, before the lid swung open and she sighed with relief.

"Oy!" The body that accompanied the cheerful surprised voice crawled out of the space before she could wiggle in. "Good thing you got that right or you'd smell so foul that not even Lovely Lily would be welcomed. I was just coming to stand guard and let invited guest in."

She gave the younger student a friendly smile before wishing him good luck and crawling though the circular tunnel he'd just come out of. The slanting floor led her further underground, but instead of getting cool and airy like the dungeons, the environment warmed and swelled around her. Arriving at the mouth of the common room, she stood and dusted her knees off without fretting over the new wrinkle in her jeans. It wasn't like anyone would notice when she was usually covered in them.

She'd selected a navy shirt for the evening that wrapped around her securely and dipped just low enough in a 'V' to show where Baker's Ring of Honor settled on her chest. Since it was a special occasion she'd even tried a curling charm on her now straight locks, but it refused to hold and she'd given up, wrapping her long dark hair into a restless bun.

The round room was only occupied by a little over a dozen students, and she caught sight of Piper who was cutting a brisk path right to her.

"Lily." Her signature nod was in full force. "You look respectable."

The Head Girl didn't even bat an eye at the odd compliment. She'd take what she could get. "Thank you, Piper. That's a very pretty blouse."

The prefect opened her mouth to reply when a loud outburst from one of the other Hufflepuffs cut her off. "Oh, Merlin! Jeremy mucked it up again!"

Lily didn't have to question this further as the smell of bitter vinegar filled her nostrils and the boy who'd she passed on the way in crawled out of the passage doused from head to toe into the substance that was causing the smell. He was followed by a young girl who looked around his age with very blonde hair and very blue eyes. She was also soaked and fanning her pink top pitifully.

"I just got nervous!" Jeremy defended, blushing as he eyed the girl behind him. "I swear I was only a little off."

Piper made an irritated sound in the back of her throat before taking charge of the situation. She sent Jeremy through one of the round doorways to his dorm to change, and asked another girl to take Jeremy's drenched partner up to her room to get a set of replacement clothes. Apparently it was impossible to magic away the results of the repelling device.

"I tried to tell them it was a bad idea to send the one bloke who is completely tone deaf." Piper told Lily frowning. "I'll do it myself until Jeremy gets cleaned up."

Lily didn't mind being left alone. The Hufflepuff basement was one of the comfiest places in Hogwarts she decided, finding an overstuffed armchair that was covered by soothing yellow fabric. Everything was circled- the doors, the windows, even the wooden mantel was curved appropriately.

Relaxing deeper into the chair, she watched other students from Gryffindor and Ravenclaw arrive. A fifth year boy handed her a drink that was minty and only slightly alcoholic, and she took her time sipping at the beverage, taking in the surroundings. Peter and Remus arrived after the room had filled up, but they didn't take notice of her going to congregate with a loud group playing exploding snap near the fireplace. A few of her peers stopped to chat, but she was too comfortable to make much of an effort to socialize.

An hour into the party she went to find another drink and was just about to cut back across the common room to her previous spot (new cup in hand) when she saw Callum caught up in conversation with two fourth year girls. Even haggard and thin, it was easy to see why they fawned over him.

Lily frowned. He really did look worse than ever. The indentions of worry left almost visible evidence across his handsome face. She couldn't imagine having a family to agonize over through all this, especially one as big as his. Having only one family member was enough to cause worry lines, and Petunia was a muggle not even involved in their tumultuous world.

When he cut away from the girls, she made her presence known.

"Do you want to see something cool?" His grin made him look like a little boy and she nodded giggling.

Following his uneven path through the crowd and across the common room, he led her through one of the many round doorways. Around the next corner there was stairwell that led even further into the ground. In the stairs were circular.

From the rowdy students that they'd just separated from a voice called Callum back. Seeing another one of his Ravenclaw friends he told her to go down without him that he'd meet her in a minute.

She did as instructed, taking the slim spiraling stairs down until the room opened into a dazzling display of the night sky. Blinking her eyes a few times to adjust to the sudden and surprising change, the view finally registered in her mind. It was just a regular room as low-ceilinged as the rest of the Hufflepuff common room and even though it was dim she didn't have to squint to make out the perfect oval shape.

What was so dazzling was the starry night sky that spread out where the ceiling should have been. It reminded her of the weather mimicking magic of the Great Hall, but she knew for a fact that the night sky looked nothing like the unobstructed view she was being offered at the moment. It had been a terribly rainy and unpleasant week. Only a few hours ago a stormy scene played out over their heads as she'd eaten her meal. It must always stay like this- a perfect replication of a clear night when all the stars were free to stare back at them with matched awe and mystery.

Taking a seat on a cushioned sofa that sat so low to the ground her bum was only slightly higher than the legs that sprawled out in front of her.

"I guess this is what you get when your Head of House is the Astronomy Professor." Peter remarked from beside her.

She squeaked violently, chasing her startled her heart with the pressure of her hand as if the touch would calm the jumping rhythm. "Merlin, Peter!"

"Sorry." He said with a grin, amused by her outburst. Taking the place next to her, she watched him taking a steadying gulp from the cup that accompanied him. His hair was a luminescent gray color in the light of the stars. "I saw you come down here with Palmer."

"And what- you're spying on me?" Her eyes narrowed threateningly at him.

His boyishly round face was without apology as he shrugged. He took another sip of his drink that flushed through his cheeks and she couldn't decide if it was the alcohol or anticipated embarrassment of his statement. "I don't really know what anyone is capable of anymore."

She was silent, tilting her gaze from him to the looming stars above.

"I just don't understand any of it." His whisper shadowed with fragility but strong in its conviction. "I thought we'd always be together- the four of us…It's daft, I know. I see how silly it sounds now. We were always going to grow up. Hogwarts isn't forever…It just never seemed important before."

"Peter." She took his hand. She knew exactly what he meant. "Sirius and James are going to work things out. They have to. You know Sirius, he just needs a little time to cool down."

"I know that." The slightly shorter boy spoke with such resolve that Lily felt silly for ever doubting the truth of it. "Sirius and James will always be best mates. One way or another they'll find their way back, but as cunning as they are, they'll never be able to keep this term from ending. We'll still be friends. We'll still Owl… But who will I be then? Who am I without the Marauders? Who? Tell me Lily…Please, tell me."

Startled by the demands that melted into pleas, she could do nothing but stare into his swimming eyes as she came up empty of an answer. She gaped at him, taken aback by the emotionality of his outburst and the violent spike of his frightened words.

She was so shocked she didn't see the flinch of his hand the second before he grabbed her. Pushing his mouth into hers, she was frozen and unmoving against the onslaught of Firewhiskey that filled her senses. He continued on desperately, molding to the statue of a girl who was struck dumb with unresponsiveness.

"Peter!" A male commanding voice finally snapped rationale back into her drunk friend. "That's enough."

Peter scurried away from her, knocking over the slim remains of his cup. Horrified and guilty, he took the steps two at time, skimming past Remus on the tight stairs with surprising ease. With just the two of them left, Lily blushed bright red at the actions she didn't commit.

"That wasn't- it wasn't what it looked like, Remus. He just… He just-." So taken aback by the turn of events her words battled for dominance like angry snakes.

"He just kissed you." Remus calmly finished the last round of stairs to stand across from her.

"Yes!" She cried.

His face shivered with seldom used amusement. "I know, Lily… Even if I hadn't been standing there long enough to hear what was going on, I still would have been highly doubtful that you would be snogging Peter Pettigrew."

"Why didn't you stop him?" She grew angry that he could have helped her sooner, but remained silent.

"Honestly?" His face fell into a comfortable pretense of thoughtfulness. "I couldn't believe he'd actually done it."

And then Remus Lupin did something she'd never seen him do before. He dissolved into laughter. At first she was offended and then the complete ridiculousness of the scenario took hold, and she covered her mouth to keep the lively giggles at bay.

"Kat must be good for you." She remarked after a moment longer of their joined mirth. "I've never seen you look so carefree before… Happiness suits you, Lupin."

"You too." He'd only just spoken the words when his expression went stiff with unease and immediately looked down at his feet. He'd implied that her relationship with James was okay, even if it was only for an instant. Whatever hurtle they'd momentarily scaled was rebuilding itself in Remus' eyes. She watched helpless as he gave her one last sad smile before turning and leaving up the stairs.

Her head thumped back on the couch and she gave herself a moment to be overwhelmed by everything- the stars, Peter's kiss, Remus' rejection.

"Peter was right about one thing though." Her head snapped around to where Remus had stopped just before disappearing up the stairs. "One way or another we'll all find our ways back to each other."

It had grown late. Her second drink was still half filled and warm to the touch, but she didn't move. Despite what had happened, she liked it there. It was nice under the stars. She couldn't possibly be lonely with millions of twinkling friends to accompany her.

The call of the unconscious pulsated around her with unmatched strength, and immediately she knew that the visions waited for her there. She could have fought it. The pull was nothing compared to the physical demand from when she'd been sleep deprived before.

Allowing her mind to slip further into the visions, she could taste a better name for what was drawing her in. It was something that she'd grown far too familiar with during her eighteen years of life.

It was need.

Someone needed her there, and she didn't put up the slightest fight as reality disbanded around her.

In this blurry unrealized world the first thing that came into focus was a head of black hair.

"_No."_ Lily told the room stubbornly as other figures and objects melted into clarity. _"He's not yours to take." _

It wasn't James though, and an instant of relief had only just taken root when Kat's delicate features shimmered into life. The room was one Lily had only ever seen in pictures. The Cooper's living room looked exactly like it had in the photo Kat had unwillingly shown them of her new baby sister. It had the same yellowish walls with stylish trim and ugly brown couch. What didn't match were the scattered little pink toys and the mantelpiece of the fireplace that had been blown apart, dispersing brick and wood onto the hardwood floor.

Like falling snow, other debris materialized around her, painting the room as the hideous war zone it had become.

"_I can't imagine what a Pureblood would want with the likes of you!" _The high pitched cackle that accompanied the voice dug into Lily like needles on her skin. The woman that stood over Kat's paralyzed body had a bounty of hair twisted with unnatural red and black. Draped in baggy black robes, Lily would have never known she was woman if her hair and face hadn't been revealed. Her face was scarred and two of her front teeth had been chipped on mirroring sides. _"Ugly, worthless, little mudblood!" _

Other sounds echoed down into the living room from the rest of the house. A baby wailed and a woman screamed with pain or grief, and then both resolutely stopped.

Kat's eyes which had been blank and unseeing before, as if her mind had taken her somewhere else entirely, suddenly sharpened at the sounds of her family. Her tiny body-no bigger than she'd been when they were twelve- fought against whatever invisible restraints held her with new purpose.

The woman chuckled and with an uncaring wave of her wand brought a tortured cry to her victim's lips.

"_You've had your fun, Vivienne." _Someone called to the evil woman from down the hall. _"You know our orders. The Dark Lord says to kill the ones who are trying to dirty our pure blood and their families- no complications, no Ministry involvement. If we hang around too much longer the Aurors will show up… And put your mask back on! You're going to get us both crucio'ed by the end of this." _

The woman never took her pleased eyes of the young girl who suffered in silent pain just under her feet. She raised her wand, bringing the point to mash into Kat's temple.

Lily rushed forward with an anguished sound. She slammed through the Death Eater's body without even the consistency of a ghost to let her know she was there. She couldn't even give her a chill. In this world she had no power. Here, she could only witness.

She could only accept the things she could not change.

She was helpless.

Physically Kat's body looked unharmed, and if weren't for the odd twitches that took hold of her limbs without pattern and the look of traumatized horror on her face, Lily would have never known she was injured.

"_There's just one thing missing." _A mocking snarl crept over the woman's grotesque mouth as she lowered her wand suddenly. _"No one will ever be able to forget what a dirty abomination you really are. Not even in your coffin." _

The monster straddled her, slamming Kat's face to the side so her right cheek was bared upwards and unprotected. Murmuring a spell under her breathe, Lily couldn't tell what she was doing at first, leaning over Kat's sprawled form until her wand made contact with her face.

A shriek of pain like nothing she'd ever heard before overcame the silencing spell, and then Lily smelled the burning flesh. Slamming Kat's face back down, the Death Eater swiftly recast the silencing spell and went back to work.

Lily could remember it. The sharp unforgiving cuts that she'd felt deform her own face months ago in the Divination Seminar.

Whatever spell that had been placed on Kat's body was taking its course and as Lily lay down to face the girl she'd known since she was eleven, a line of blood leaked from the side of mouth.

"_Fight this, Kat! Fight it!" _Lily spoke unheard words as she tried to make her friend aware of her invisible presence. If only Kat knew that she wasn't alone. _"Come on, Kitty Kat. Only a little longer and it'll all be okay." _

But the torture dragged on and on, and even though her chest still rose and fell with shuttering little breaths, her eyes misted over into another world as she faced unimaginable pain. Eventually, Lily could not even encourage her to fight anymore- all she could do was sob lies about whatever heaven waited for her. _"It's beautiful there, and there's no pain. There's only pumpkin juice and those little chocolate pastries you love… It'll stop in a minute. I swear it… And you'll have my Baker. He'll take care of you, Kitty Kat. I'll kick his arse if he doesn't…" _

The woman finished with a self satisfied giggle and as she fled the destruction she'd created, Lily didn't pay her any mind. Justice would find her eventually. She wasn't the reason Lily was here.

It was almost over. Kat's body was still alive, giving into violent shakes of aftershocks, but her mind was far away- long gone from the suffering. She wasn't in pain or at least not any that her damaged mind could register, and Lily could do nothing but whisper silly phrases of hope and peace as she watched blood pool from her mouth, ears, and nose.

Raising a small hand to the open wound on her face, Kat's eyes seemed to slide for an instant back into some slight sense of awareness. She looked right into Lily's eyes and moved her mouth with words that had been silenced by a Death Eater's wand.

As soon as the life fully left Kat she could feel reality yanking her back to where she belonged, but she rejected its invitation throwing herself forward to hold onto the her dead friend. She couldn't leave her like this. Her incorporeal touch ran along Kat's cheek to join her friend's hand in its resting place. Stubby fingernails dusted with only the remnants of pink fingernail polish lay just under the word that had been branded into her delicate cheek.

What had she tried to say? What message did her last words convey? Did she want Lily to know something? Was it something for Remus?

"_That's going to scar." _Lily remembered now. The last thought she'd ever had, had been summoned forth over a cauldron, and Lily could see them as clear as day as Kat's lips formed around them only a second before she died.

It was such a monumentally Kat thing to say that once again Lily gave in to sobs. Only this time when reality pulled she didn't fight it.

She took one last look at her friend, her eyes drawing over the word that had been branded into her cheek with magic.

**MUDBLOOD**

And then she was gasping for breath like she'd just been underwater for far too long. Back in the dim room underneath the Hufflepuff common room, still swallowed by the night sky, she had no concept of how much time had passed. Her aching legs quaked as she raced up the stairs and through the abandoned common room, where not even a disrupted pillow gave away the party that had taken place.

Her pace never slowed- not through the narrow crawlspace or down the corridor towards the Truth Mirror. The unyielding castle walls didn't betray the moon or the sun that hung outside.

How long had she been asleep? Maybe she wasn't too late… But suddenly she was fuzzy as to what she was worried about being too late for. She'd always found solace in the fact that the dreams turned into wispy recollections of miniscule flashes in the morning light, but now she tried to hold onto them. Powerlessly she felt them extinguishing in her mind and curve through her fingertips like the curl of smoke left from a forgotten flame.

And then within seeing distance of the mirror, her feet halted so violently that her body nearly toppled over. James huddled beside the entrance, his head snapping up at her footsteps and eyes telling her everything she needed to know.

"She's dead." She said so calmly her hand jerked to her lips in horror. Her steps were calm too, walking the rest of the way to him with purpose. "Kat's dead."

Her entire being prickled with numbness. She was just as helpless here as she was in the visions. She could barely remember anything about the dream now, only managing to hold onto the knowledge that Kat had been murdered by Death Eaters.

**MUDBLOOD**

She could remember that too. A word that was now just as firmly tattooed on her soul as it had been across her friend's pretty face.

James' distraught expression flickered with confusion. "Where have you been? Someone told you about the murders?"

She didn't reply, instead offering him an emotionless hand off the ground and then entering the Head Suite with consolidated words to pass through the mirror.

"Answer me, Lily." He chased after her with concern saturating his demand. "Are you okay?"

She had no choice but to nod when he stood in her way, blocking the path to her bedroom. Expecting him to let her pass, she was shocked to find her body clenched with strangling hold within his arms. He tucked her head under his and she didn't fight him feeling his body begin to shake. He wouldn't let her watch him in his vulnerability. It was fine with her because she didn't think she could handle it if he did.

"I'm fine, James." She muttered into his chest. Her voice could not quite mimic one of consoling, but it was good enough to slide by him at the moment. "I'm fine."

"Where the bloody hell have you been? They went after muggleborns, Lily." He squeezed her so tightly her arms ached under the pressure. "I didn't know where you were. I thought- I- I- Where were you? I was terrified! Don't do it again! Don't you dare leave me!"

"I'm fine." Her only reply was the same lie over and over again, hoping that eventually one of them would start to believe it. "I'm fine."

She repeated this phrase the next day to the professors and the next to her friends. She repeated it so many times on third that the words started to sound like something she'd made up.

She'd pulled on her mother's old black dress preparing for the memorial. It was the same one she'd worn less than four months ago to Baker's funeral. How many more times would she have to wear it before the war was over? How many more friends would she watch be buried in glistening coffins that disappeared into the cold ground? How much more did she have to lose?

In a fog she tried to settle back into life at Hogwarts, but it all felt so distant. _She_ felt so distant. Two weeks passed and she watched her friends and professors grow more and more concerned.

How could she explain this feeling to them though? They wouldn't be able to understand. She didn't even fully understand it.

She was crippled with helplessness. It paralyzed her, trapping her beneath a cloud of numbness. People kept dying and there wasn't a thing in the world she could do it about it. Love was always supposed to win, but she could not love them into living. She couldn't do a damn thing.

She was helpless, watching as the evil won.

Like looking at the world through a smoggy haze, she entered the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom one meaningless afternoon. She was early and for once the class before had been dismissed on time. Alone felt the same as being with other people, and she took her seat with no other desire than to stare at the front of the room.

Out of the corner of her eye something black and quick flashed behind the glass pane of the window beside Crouch's desk. Curiosity of anything had been so dimmed by the numbing fog that when she found herself going to the window it was more out of habit than anything else.

A step away parchment crunched under her shoe and she stepped back to stare at the wrinkled ball. The rubbish bin was only a bounce away and she could imagine the forgotten trash missing its goal and rolling away without anyone ever noticing it. She picked it up with every intention of placing it soundly where it belonged when a smudged name caught her eye. Slowly she unraveled the letter sized parchment and stared dumbly at what she was seeing.

She could read the words just fine.

Ten names

Five couples

Ninety-two distinguishable letters written in a familiar hand

Each linked together with ink and now connected for eternity by blood.

She could read the words off the tidy list just fine.

_**Joshua Fisher (Primrose Tripe)**_

_**Camille Collins (Ashby Campbell)**_

_**Viola Singh (Porter Knight)**_

The fourth couple on the list had been marked out heavily, but right under it a fifth had taken its place.

_**Kat Cooper (Remus Lupin)**_

She raised the wrinkled parchment into the light that fed through the window with shaking hands. Underneath the deep scratches and layered ink, she could barely make out the names of those spared.

_**Lily Evans (James Potter)**_

Ten names

Five couples

One scratched out line

Four dead Muggleborns

She could read the words just fine.It was the implication that refused to set in.

They called them the Muggleborn Massacres.

The same night Kat and her family had been murdered Death Eaters had come for Joshua Fisher, Viola Singh, and Camille Collins as well, killing everyone in the vicinity. The victims were seemingly unlinked, grouped only by happening to be at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong kind of blood.

Lily held evidence otherwise in her very hands. Each murdered muggleborn was linked to a Pureblood. They had been tortured, mocked, and killed for relationships they didn't know were being judged.

But who would know to make these connections? These were things only someone from Hogwarts would know.

Her hands tightened around the paper in her grasp. Her vision exploded with hues of crimson rage. She was unceremoniously shoved back into the world of color and out of the grey.

This was not helplessness. It was purpose.

Folding the letter up with trembling hands, she tucked it safely into her pocket and calmly returned to her regular seat. There was still one part of it that refused to set in.

Ten names

Five couples

Ninety-two distinguishable letters written in a familiar hand

One scratched out line.

Four dead Muggleborns

So why had she been spared?

0000000

**Author's Note:** Okay, I just want to say that I don't take sick enjoyment from killing off my characters. I actually think that's part of the reason I drug my feet so badly with this chapter is because I just didn't want to write it. It is a war though. A lot of people died in the books. And just like Baker's death had a purpose, so does Kat's. It's okay if you're confused about what went down at the end of the chapter with the Muggleborn/Relationship Massacres. It will all be further explained in the next chapter. Things are about to get very interesting as several pieces of the puzzle begin falling into place. Just a few chapters left now.

**BEHIND THE SCENES**

[CANNON] In Chapter 7: The Breaking of a Rule, when Lily wakes up the second time after the Divination Seminar when she is in the hospital wing with Kat and Evie, she says "Look at me" but the words aren't hers even though they come from her mouth. These are the last words that Snape ever says to Harry just before he dies which we know Lily has subconsciously experienced through her visions of all her loved ones deaths.

The title of Chapter 16 "Roses Only" comes from the title of a poem of the same name by Marianne Moore. I have never been an appreciator of poetry, but this piece holds a special place in my heart. If you've never read it before then I highly recommend it. The poem is also alluded to in the beginning of the chapter when James remarks that a rose couldn't survive without its thorns.

[CANNON] Even though the Hufflepuff common room is never seen in the books, the description in Chapter 16: _Roses Only_ comes from JK Rowling through Pottermore.

Originally I was going to write Lily going to go to the memorial service for Kat and the other murdered muggleborns, but my word count for the chapter was already ridiculously long AND I thought with all the other tragedies it would just be overkill. While on the excursion away from Hogwarts, Lily and James were going to visit her parents' graves as well. It's something I've been wanting to do for the whole story, but I just haven't found the right place. Maybe later.

[CANNON] The Hufflepuff common room is heavily influenced by its Head of House- Professor Sprout- with lots of plants and Herbology references throughout according to Pottermore, but in LOAT Professor Sprout isn't at Hogwarts yet. By making the Head of Hufflepuff the Astronomy Professor I thought it was only fair to show influence from her field of study too, which is where the magical ceiling room came from.

Chapter 16's line "I give good parent" is one hundred percent a shout out to Veronica Mars. I didn't set out to do it, but it just fit.

The Purus Swan is an animal of my own creation. 'Purus' is the Latin term meaning "pure, free from." Until a Purus Swan reaches maturity it cannot be handled by anyone who is not "pure" (i.e. a virgin). James mentions that the feathers can be used as a core of the wand. Piper's wand has this type of core.

A reviewer specifically asked me to include how I came up with the Purus Swan and I'm happy to oblige. I've had the idea of an animal that could only be handled by virgins since I read Harry Potter and the Psychic Serpent by Barb LP years and years ago. If you haven't ever heard of this trilogy (and also there is a Marauders' Era prequel) then I highly recommend checking them out. They were written FAR before the final books were published and I consider them a staple of HP fanfiction. Anyways in Barb's story it is rather off handily mentioned that Unicorns can't be touched by nonvirgins. So even though the Purus Swan has very different characteristics and magical properties, I guess the idea always stuck with me and when I outlined the story there needed to be a big reveal as far as Sirius finding out that Lily was no longer a virgin. In one draft of the plot this was actually how Sirius came to discover the affair. A lot of readers noted that Sirius' reaction was not directly dealt with in Chapter 16, but I have something very specific in mind that required events to play out the way they did and in the time frame that they did (and will) play out.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Previously:** Piper Prescott was best mates with the physically and emotionally scarred Hester Sprout, who was forced to leave Hogwarts along with many other students due to the deteriorating world outside of Hogwarts. Lily found a list in Professor Crouch's class naming off five muggleborns with five corresponding purebloods. Lily and James' names were on the list but had been scratched out. The four other muggleborns listed were murdered, including Lily's very good friend and old dorm mate, Kat Cooper. Baker (Harland Simmons) was a Ravenclaw at Hogwarts just like his sister, but they were both killed on Christmas holiday in the Auror Murders. Marley McKinnon is in the same year as Lily, but had been better friends with Honor, after her death she became good friends with Kat since they were the only two left in the dorm together. Peter drunkenly kissed Lily, but Remus interrupted them. Remus and Kat were seeing each other.

**Quick Note: **As Lily goes through the list she'll be remembering certain things that have already happened in LAOT. These memories will be denoted by _italics. _

**Chapter Seventeen**

**The Muggleborn Massacres **

_Joshua Fisher (Primrose Tripe)_

_Camille Collins (Ashby Campbell)_

_Viola Singh (Porter Knight)_

_Lily Evans (James Potter)_

_Kat Cooper (Remus Lupin)_

"I'm well aware of the recent tragedies that have struck our students, Ms. Evans." Professor McGonagall scowled over the discolored parchment Lily had laid out for her eyes to feast on.

The Head Girl leaned forward in the wooden chair that perched in front of her Head of House's desk. She mashed her finger down the line of other students named. "I found this in Professor Crouch's class. Whoever wrote this list made connections between Muggleborns and Purebloods that only the Death Eaters had been able to do before. What if they were the ones who orchestrated the Muggleborns' deaths in the first place? It had to be someone at Hogwarts. Who else would know these things?"

A bounty of wrinkles exploded around the Transfigurations teacher's eyes as she studied the list slowly taking the time to outline each compact square word with concentration. When the older witch looked up again her mind was made up and set in the determination of her thin lips. "Who are you suggesting wrote this then?"

_Professor Crouch_

But even as her pink lips went to form the letters, her throat closed up with reluctance. Her wild accusations about Professor Crouch's involvement in Grace Murray's disappearance had already been cleanly dismissed. If her finger pointed that way again would she look like a vindictive pupil set in destroying her DADA professor?

What proof did she really have? As soon as class had finished Lily had come charging into McGonagall's office expecting her to jump into action and take up arms just as the Head Girl had done. Blinded by her passion she hadn't even taken the time to fully think through what she had found.

"I-…I-…I don't know." Indecision pointed her green eyes downward to stare at her lap. "Perhaps it's just the doodling of an inquisitive student."

Lily didn't believe her words for a second though. Whoever had wrote the list had insight that no one else had been able to put together. Dumbledore and McGonagall would never take her seriously though until she had proof. Regretting her rash decision, Lily gingerly reached out to pull the damaged parchment back. There were connections to be made and forgotten thoughts to be examined. She was sure that she could put this distorted puzzle back together. All she needed was time to think it over.

"I know this year has been difficult for you, Lily." Her soft tone halted the seventh year's exit. "To lose someone you love is to lose part of yourself. I daresay you understand that more than anyone… You were a good friend to Ms. Cooper. You should remember that."

Lily left without understanding her condolences. In her own defense, she had bigger things on her mind. Things like figuring out who wrote the list, and most importantly being able to prove it.

"Lily!" James was startled when she nearly barreled over him in the hall. "What's going on? You sprinted out of class like Dementors were after you."

His statement and expression didn't match. There was relief in his eyes that she didn't understand. She straightened before answering. "I'm fine."

The relief dissipated at her words. The same words she'd practically worn into the ground from repeating so frequently. She understood his out of place emotion then, and for the first time since Kat's death she felt affection stir the unused muscles in her face. It was only a simple quirk of her lips, but it was enough to flood the Head Boy's stiff posture with satisfaction. She remedied her words. "Okay, fine is a bit of an overstatement. I'm…coping."

Was that what this was? Driven by her paralyzing helplessness to do something- anything- to regain purpose and control in her life had she turned some innocent curiosity scribbled on a scrap of parchment into a way of coping with Kat's dead?

Did it matter? She'd been sinking and fast. At fifteen years old she'd lost her parents. The orphaning blow had taken a chunk out of her heart, leaving a festering injury that she tried to ignore rather than heal for years. Sirius had soothed the wound. The Marauders had given her a place in life, tethering her back to the ground after her parents had left her free to float away, but the injury was not something that healed quickly. It took time.

And then Baker had died, picking at the old wound just as it began to scab over, and Kat's death had followed so quickly she felt riddled with infection.

So did it matter why or how she coping?

She was just happy to still be breathing.

"How about lunch?" James asked cautiously as if he was in danger of scaring off her recovery like a frightened animal.

The list burned in her pocket at the thought of the hearty meal that waited for her in the Great Hall. Her stomach turned. She couldn't possibly eat with it tied all up in knots as it was. "I'm going to skive off dinner. I'm behind on that extra essay for Ancient Runes."

"Alright after Quidditch practice then." He amended leaning over to kiss her cheek softly.

She'd forgotten about the fire. His touch had been nothing but a graze above glass, but now it raged through her limbs and set her heart ablaze. He turned to walk away, but she grasped the material of his robe fiercely and yanked him back so their bodies were lined up from toe to chest.

He looked startled and she looked wild. They paused for a moment.

And then they were kissing. His lips only allowed shallow fleeting kisses as she dragged them back against the wall of the empty corridor. Soft locks of dark red wrapped around his fingers as he held her back not allowing her savage lust to devour them both. She entertained the kisses slowly trying to get more of him- anything to drink him in, but when she opened her mouth to invite his tongue, he sucked on the pouting bottom lip she'd given him access to instead.

"Potter." She scolded. He wanted sweet and she wanted him to pound into her so hard that she forgot her own name and could only remember to call out his.

Fluttering lips, the tip of a teasing tongue, laid claim down her jaw line as she tried to force him closer. His voice was rough, coursing all the way into her insides to pile in the depths of her belly. "Why must you insist on testing my will power at every turn?"

"Why must you insist on resisting?" She answered, a tantalizing smirk sweeping her pouting lips. Grasping his robes with both hands she yanked it open until it draped open on both shoulders, revealing the body that only she was allowed to touch.

"That was my best school robe." He looked down shocked at the clasp she'd just broken.

She rolled her eyes and cupped him intimately through his trousers making him hiss.

"Ten points from Gryffindor for fraternizing in the hallway." A sharp voice had Lily and James rearranging their clothes into place.

"Can't you cut a break for your dear friends, Prescott?" James grinned, calling Lily's attention to her Hufflepuff friend who was approaching them with a sly smile of her own.

"I did give you a break, Potter." She told him with a dainty quirk of her lips. "I usually take twenty for inappropriate displays of affection."

They might not have been affected by the embarrassing encounter, but Lily was the color of a tomato as she eased away from them. "I'll just be off then. I'm not feeling very hungry, and there's an essay or two that could use my attention."

"I was just on my way to the library as well." Piper told her passing James with a wave and joining Lily in her haste walk.

Lily wasn't in the mood for company, but it was too late to get rid of the blonde girl now. They set up camp at one of the smaller tables in the library, and once she was sure Piper was fully enraptured in her texts she placed two names at the top of a fresh parchment.

_**JOSHUA FISHER (muggleborn) + PRIMROSE TRIPE (pureblood)**_

_**Primrose- Slytherin. Joshua-Ravenclaw 5**__**th**__** year Prefect **_

Even Lily had known about these young star crossed lovers. Petite little Primrose Tripe had been the Slytherin Seeker before she'd gotten pushed back to reserve.

"_Stole the position from a little girl, did you?" Lily responded thinking of Primrose's sad face in the carriage. "Does that make you proud, Sev?" _

_She could feel his stuttering anger despite the controlled tone of his voice. "Shows what you know. Tripe had already been demoted. Slytherin didn't want be seen as supporting a relationship with a mudblood."_

She recalled Severus Snape's acidic words spoken from the shadows so many months ago, long before she'd lost Baker or Kat. It was too late to pretend that Snape was not involved in all of this. He'd known about the Death Eaters' plan to go after the Simmons. And after all, hadn't he proved he was willing to spare her? Had he done it all over again?

Was this her grand reward for befriending the little boy in his mother's blouse? She hadn't done it for rewards or even out of pity. He'd opened up the world of magic to her, but that wasn't the only reason she'd loved him. He'd needed her love just like Petunia, and there was something in his eyes that made her look passed the cruel sneer he wore or the biting remarks he was so willing to dole out. When Snape looked at her it was like she could see her own eyes mirrored back at her, like maybe her love made him more than all the rest.

He'd always had darkness. She'd always known that, but when his eyes were on her they didn't show shadows. They showed hope.

Maybe they still did, but she'd never know. She wasn't willing to look anymore. This wasn't any reward she'd ever want. She got to live long enough to watch everyone she cared about died.

_**People Who Knew: Severus Snape, Slytherin **_

But really everyone had known about Primrose and Joshua. The brunette Seeker had been the best Hogwarts had seen in a decade, so when she'd gotten demoted it had caused quite a stir.

_**People Who Knew: Severus Snape, Slytherin, Everyone (common knowledge) **_

Which meant that Professor Crouch could have easily known. It was far from proof, but it hadn't exactly cleared the vindictive woman's name either.

She was stumped beyond that with Primrose and Joshua. He was dead, and she'd never returned from holiday.

_**VIOLA SINGH (muggleborn) + PORTER KNIGHT (pureblood)**_

_**Viola- Hufflepuff 7**__**th**__** year. Porter-? **_

Lily knew Viola simply through seven years of going through the same classes and eating the same three meals together. She wasn't sure that she'd ever even spoken to her. Viola was a quiet girl, always kept to herself. She'd certainly never done anything to trifle with Death Eaters. The pureblood boy of the equation was a mystery to her. Porter Knight couldn't have been a seventh year or a prefect because surely she would have recognized the name.

_**People Who Knew: ?**_

"Piper?" Lily whispered across their sea of books at the seventh year seated across from her.

Her big azure eyes looked up at Lily questioningly.

Lily opened her mouth but quickly shut it. Once again she'd been terribly insensitive to the way loss affected others, just as she'd done with Honor when Baker was missing. She hadn't even thought about the fact that Piper had lost a dorm mate too. Lily decided to rephrase her question. "Do you know anything about a bloke named Porter Knight?"

"Knight?" She considered the name before shaking her head.

When Lily didn't ask anymore random questions, Piper turned back to her work abruptly.

But Piper was Viola's dorm mate, wouldn't she know if Porter had been her boyfriend? Wouldn't she at least recognize the name from passing? Then again Piper was so odd. Maybe she just hadn't noticed. After a few more prolonged seconds of respectful silence, Lily decided to just rip off the band aid as her mum used to say. "Were you close with Viola?"

"Her bed was next to mine." She replied obviously.

Lily almost smiled, not because it was funny, but because it was just so Piper. "I mean like were you mates?"

"No." She answered simply. "We were all friends- Viola, Hester, and I until Hester came back fourth year after the attack, and Viola was always so uncomfortable around Hester like she was contagious or something… We weren't friends with her after that."

"It still must have been hard to lose her, even someone who only used to be a friend."

"Yes." Piper nodded, agreeing. "I suppose it was."

Lily chewed on her bottom lip. "You're sure you never heard Viola talk about a boy named Porter Knight or having a boyfriend at all?"

"We had not even had a full conversation since I asked her to change perfume in fifth year because hers was affecting my allergies." The Hufflepuff put her nose back into the book she was studying before Lily could even process her sentence.

Well that hadn't taken long. She was only on the second couple on the list and already she was stumped. Staring determinedly at their names, she decided that she'd have to take her mission to the next level.

It didn't take long to discover the house and year of Porter Knight. All it took was a couple of harmless inquiries with a few teachers and she knew enough about Porter to know exactly where she could find him. Being Head Girl definitely had its perks.

Not even a full day later, Lily made herself comfortable in the airy environment she'd sought out. She'd been waiting for a while when the plush midnight blue carpet of the dorm became too tempting to resist, and she slipped out of her robes as well as her shoes, feeling silly barefoot with her formal robes on. She sat on the end of one the five four poster beds and curled her toes into luxurious texture beneath her feet.

Being up so high in the tower in combination with the floor to ceiling windows, made her feel like she was on top of the world.

It also made her feel close to Baker. Reclining back on the bronze silk bed covering, she gazed at the painted stars of the domed ceiling. It was just like down in the Ravenclaw common room, but on a smaller scale.

She'd wanted to catch fifth year Ravenclaw Porter Knight after lunch, but knowing the tricky nature of Ravenclaw Entrance she'd arrived early by kipping the meal altogether, anticipating it giving her trouble. Except that the riddle happened to be something she knew quite a lot about.

"_What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?" _

She stared at the eagle shaped bronze door knocker. What belonged to her?

Well, her body did.

Do others use her body more than she does? That sounded naughty and unless some fourth years had managed to charm the door to give out dirty riddles she couldn't imagine that was the answer.

Her mind

Others didn't use her mind more than she did. Actually anyone not in their year always acted surprised that she even had a brain in her pretty little head. They thought she was just Lovely Lily.

Lovely Lily!

"My name!" She exclaimed too loudly, proud she'd come up with it. Her name certainly belonged to her, but others used it more often than she did.

She'd cut through the bronze and blue wide room and found the fifth year boys dormitory with ease, and that's how she now found herself sprawled across a four poster bed in a room that didn't belong to her, thinking about her lost best mate who quite possibly could have lain in this very spot just a few years ago.

Even if Baker hadn't been clever, she was sure the Sorting Hat would have stuck him in Ravenclaw the moment it peeked into his head. Baker deserved this view. She remembered him taking her to the roof of the Simmons' house over holiday and telling her about his favorite place in the world. He'd said it was the highest tower of Hogwarts and nothing deterred the view, and even though this wasn't the spot he'd described it still made her feel closer to him than she had in months.

With no warning at all the door to the dorm burst open and the three boys that hurried in took only a few steps inside before stopping to stare at her open mouthed. Lily sat up on the bed and looked back at them curiously.

"Doug?" An Indian looking boy asked without taking his gaze off of her. "Am I having another Lily Evans fantasy or is she really sitting on your bed?"

The light skinned, white haired boy, apparently named Doug, opened and closed his mouth several times before giving up completely.

"Would Dev and I be here if you were about to be seduced by the Head Girl in your dreams?" The third and final boy hung behind his two dorm mates with a look of equal surprise despite his sarcastic rebuttal. He was taller than they were, looking like his growth spurt had happened upon him so quickly it had stretched him to the point flatness.

Shaking off any amusement she found in their reaction at finding her in their dorm room, Lily cleared her throat. "I need to speak with Porter. Porter Knight."

Doug and Dev both looked back at the third with curiosity tinged envy. Lanky, honey haired Porter spoke up, his brown eyes furrowed in confusion. "I haven't done anything wrong."

Addressing the two other boys with a sly grin, Lily carefully slid her feet back into her shoes. "Do you think you could give us a minute alone?"

As quickly as the raced from the room, casting delighted looks over their shoulders at their friend and the much older, very pretty Head Girl and clumsily bumping into one another as they went, she was sure that they'd stopped to press their ear to the door that they'd closed behind them. It didn't matter to her. She'd only asked for privacy to make Porter feel more comfortable. The fifth year currently looked the opposite, lingering by the door as if he was the outsider and this was her room.

"I really haven't done anything wrong." He insisted.

"You're not in trouble. I wanted to talk to you about something else." Taking a reassuring breath, she told herself for the millionth time that this was the only way. What she was doing had a purpose. "I wanted to talk to you about Viola Singh."

The slight twitch of his right eyebrow was the only thing that gave him away, because otherwise Porter Knight would have been an excellent muggle poker player. In fact, he seemed to exhale tension as he walked casually to the bed across from the one she was perched on. Turning his back on her he ruffled through a few things on his bedside cabinet carelessly. "You mean the girl who got killed on holiday?"

His back was to her when he spoke, and she knew it was a calculated move. She'd known that there was something more to his involvement with Viola Singh ever since his twitching eyebrow had betrayed him. She corrected him. "The muggleborn witch that was viciously murdered by Death Eaters, yes. Did you know her?"

She watched the back of his shoulders shrug as he continued to fiddle about. "Everyone knows about the murders. She was a seventh year. How would I know anything more about her than that? We're not even in the same house."

"I think you did know her." Lily told him boldly. "I think you knew her quite well in fact. She was your girlfriend, wasn't she?"

"Don't be silly." His comeback was sharp and quick, but he still didn't reveal his face that was hidden in the inane task he pursued to busy his hands. "She was two years older than me. Viola Singh wouldn't have given me the time of day."

"I know your lying." It was true. She did know without a doubt that her gut was telling her his was lying. She just didn't know what he was lying about exactly. "I don't know why though."

"I told you I don't know her. If I'm not in any trouble then I'd like to be left alone." Slamming the cabinet door closed, the room was shredded by the heavy smack of wood on wood.

Startled Lily rocked back on her feet, but she wasn't going to be denied. There were a million unknowns of trying to solve this puzzle. This puzzle would lead back to a murderer or at least the person who had drawn the targets around four innocent faces. She did know that Porter Knight was not being completely truthful, and for right now when she had nothing else to go on it made him in a bad position to be in.

Squaring her shoulders, she leveled her voice, hoping it sounded strong and even. He might refuse to look her in the eye, but she could stare daggers through the back of his head. "Do you know why Viola Singh was murdered? Not just her of course, there were the others too. Haven't you ever wondered why these were the certain muggleborns chosen? Certainly there were easier targets. Some first year would have been a far simpler task for a Death Eater than a fully trained witch like Camille Collins. So do you know the common thread that links Viola Singh to Camille Collins, Joshua Fisher, and Kat Cooper?"

He didn't move, not even bothering to pretend to be accomplishing some task. The tall fifth year just stared at the wall.

"They were selected because they were linked with a pureblood. Joshua Fisher was dating Primrose Tripe, everyone knew that. Camille Collins was seeing Ashby Campbell, and Kat was with Remus… So why was Viola Singh targeted? I think you can answer that for me, Porter."

His body was like one of those tall industrial sky scrapers, and as she watched it caved in to itself like twisting metal with sharp unattractive angles. Porter sat on the side of his bed, and knowing that he had caved she walked to sit across from him on Dev's bed with an expanse of space between them.

He exhaled and it was more than just tension that poured out, it was truths long unspoken. "We were seeing each other. Not anything serious, but her parents were weird about her having boyfriends and even though she never said it I always kind of knew that it had a little to do with me being so young…It wasn't as bad as you'd think, being the one someone is ashamed to care about. Viola was pretty and sweet, and she could snog better than any of the girls in my year. I thought….I don't know- that by keeping our relationship a secret after she died it would be like my final gift to her or something… Do you really think that all those muggleborns were killed because they were in relationships with purebloods?"

Lily nodded solemnly.

"But- but-… that can't be true because I'm not even a pureblood!" He burst out suddenly, his brown eyes sparking gold.

"Yes, you are." She told him calmly. One of the first things she'd done was validate their blood statuses. Every name listed alongside the muggleborn had a pureblood mother and a pureblood father. Porter Knight was the son of Dawn Lebown and Wendell Knight, both pureblood families.

Porter crumbled forward like a building being demolished. A short mockery of an ironic laugh wheezed through his lips. "My dad- my real dad- was a muggle. When my grandparents found out they married her off to my dad. So my parents might be purebloods, but I'm not. I'm half."

"Does anyone know that?" She asked him sharply.

He shook his head miserably. "People assume I'm a pureblood. I don't bother correcting them. I figured it would keep me safe."

"It didn't keep Viola safe." Lily snapped before she could bite back the remark. "I'm sorry, Porter. This really isn't your fault. None of it is. The blame belongs with the Death Eaters and the Death Eaters alone… I need you to answer one very important question though. I think I can I find out who told the Death Eaters to kill Viola."

"Anything." He looked up at her through his bloodshot eyes and splotchy cheeks. "I'll do anything I can."

"Think very hard about anyone who could have known about your relationship; your dorm mates, friends, family, anyone at Hogwarts who could have known, even professors."

To Porter's credit he seemed to take the question very seriously, rolling the information in his mind several minutes before speaking. "We got caught a couple times snogging by professors-."

"Professor Crouch?" Lily interrupted him elated and demanding.

His shrug was the most noncommittal disappointing thing she'd ever seen. "Could have been… It got to be such a bad habit that I think there were less teachers who hadn't stumbled upon us than had."

Rolling her eyes, she motioned for him to continue. "What about anyone else?"

"Dev and Doug don't know. They'd only badger me for stupid information like how to unclasp a bra or if I'd seen her knickers, but there were a few other students who knew. No one comes to mind right off the bat, but sometimes we'd have to share a little to get alone time, you know? Some people from our houses know I'm sure. There is only so much sneaking around you can do when you live in a dorm, but they wouldn't really care and I don't even know who Vi told."

She spent a little more time with Porter consoling him and easing a little of her own guilt for revealing the truth about the murder. She would've stayed longer but his dorm mates showed back up pretending to need books and giving her an excuse to leave.

Circling the spiral staircase from the fifth floor, Lily's mind buzzed with the new information. She was so distracted she barely noticed the tremble of her knees. When her vision blurred out of focus she finally surrendered to her body and sat on the bottom step of the staircase. But just because her body refused to march on it didn't mean she couldn't accomplish anything. Pulling out her parchment, she completed the section she'd started yesterday.

_**VIOLA SINGH (muggleborn) + PORTER KNIGHT (**__**pureblood**__** halfblood)**_

_**Viola- Hufflepuff 7**__**th**__** year. Porter- Ravenclaw 5**__**th**__** year. **_

_**People who knew: professors, Hufflepuffs/Ravenclaws (some)**_

She focused on the information as if seeing it in writing would suddenly force the random tidbits into sense. Just like with Primrose Tripe and Joshua Fisher, it didn't point a finger at any suspects, but it certainly didn't discount Professor Crouch. Even if Professor Crouch in particular hadn't caught them snogging, who's to say she hadn't heard it gossiped about by other professors.

A violent clash of metals startled her and instinctually she shoved her parchment and quill into her bag. It was a sound she recognized from countless Marauders' pranks over the years, and she looked down the corridor finding all the suits of armor intact. Walking towards the direction the noise had come, she was shocked to find Remus wallowing in the remains of a deconstructed pile of armor.

"Alright, Lupin?" Nervously she peered down at brunette boy. It wasn't that she'd been avoiding him since Kat's death…exactly. They'd both just been lost in their own mourning, too busy with their own grief to pile on the hurt of someone they cared about too.

Groaning and shoving a silver arm off his legs, he managed to stand. He stared at her with glassy eyes, using an arm to prop his body up against the wall as he struggled not to waiver in his stance. "Evening, Head Girl."

"It's the afternoon, Remus." If the stumbling hadn't given him away then the slurring would have. And if working at a pub all summer had taught her anything he was about two drinks passed drunk. "You're pissed."

His face rolled with sudden rage, reminding her of what she always seemed to forget. Remus Lupin was dangerous. Underneath the shy smiles and forgiving heart, there was a werewolf who wanted nothing more that rip every living creature limb from limb every full moon.

"Fuck off, Evans." He tried to shove passed her, but his inebriation countered his balance and he slammed into her shoulder. The wall met her side and the angry thud ricocheted down the corridor racing in front of Remus as he fled.

Frozen against the wall she watched him go. His feet twisted once before he managed to straighten again and disappear around the corner. Slumping against the unforgiving stone, she felt the effects of her selfishness roll down her spine. She could add him to the list of people she'd selfishly overlooked in her fog.

In a daze she finished the walk to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, and ducked into a chair just before Professor Crouch slammed the door with a flick of her wand.

Her mind stuck on her friend. Remus was in pain. She'd been able to escape into a world of numbness while he had to seek out the same comfort in a bottle of Firewhiskey. She should have been strong enough to help him.

"I don't suppose you'd be willing to share Mr. Lupin's whereabouts, Mr. Black." Crouch's sharp words brought Lily into the present as their Professor scowled over her pupils from the front of the class. The leaking sky cast strange shadows across her face from the window giving the woman an ominous glow.

Lily twisted in her seat to watch Sirius. She didn't have to search for him. As much as the world changed around them, his seat hadn't. The spot to his right was a constant evolution. James had once sat there and Remus had replaced him, but it was currently occupied by a boy who could never hope to equal the grandeur of those who came before him. The seat didn't suit Peter at all. Everything about Sirius overshadowed him, until he looked more like a third year than a student close to graduating.

"He's still sick, Professor." A charming smile and twinkling look accompanied Sirius' lie.

Crouch made an unbecoming smacking noise with her tongue on the roof of her mouth. "Missing classes for nearly three weeks warrants a better excuse than sickness I'm afraid, Mr. Black. While I do sympathize with Mr. Lupin's -…illness another missed class will warrant failure for the term."

Lily's stomach convulsed at the thought. She and Remus were not the type that failed anything.

She got through Professor Crouch's class just as she always did- with her head down and thoughts elsewhere. If she gave herself time to consider that the woman teaching them had possibly been the one to draw a target around Kat then she'd sooner curse the woman than learn anything.

How could she not notice Remus being absent for nearly three weeks?

After class she gathered her things slowly, letting Crouch sweep out of the room in her normal glaring fashion before following her classmates into the hallway.

Leaning against the wall with a playful smirk on his face James was waiting on her.

Ever since Kat's death, Marley had been her primary partner for all their classes. She didn't know who had sought out whom and they'd never discussed it, but they had banned together as the only remaining Gryffindor girls from their year. It suited Lily fine as Marley never bugged her about the same silly things James did like eating and resting properly. James wasn't exactly abandoned to fend for himself. Even without the clout of the Marauders he was still James Potter and never short on willing company.

"What's this I hear about you seducing fifth years?" He looked the opposite of a jealous boyfriend. In fact he looked positively giddy. Ever since she'd emerged from her monotone fog of 'I'm fines' he'd met each slow return to normalcy with the same thrilled reaction.

Sighing with false irritation she looped her arm through his and yanked him into step with her. "It's truly remarkable that anyone can even use the loo around here without having the entire school know about it. Besides the gossips can't ever manage to keep the information straight… I'm quite content with my current younger bloke. And honestly, if I was going to step out on you it wouldn't be with Porter Knight…Now Christos Savales might be a different story."

In retaliation of her teasing he pulled her closer and trapped her with a sturdy arm wrapped around her shoulders while never losing their steady pace. He kissed her forehead with a dramatically pitying look. "Miss any more meals and fifth years won't even be willing to snog you. You're turning into a skeleton."

"Bugger off." She twisted out of his hold as he chuckled. Her imposing glare bounced off of him easily. "I might be a skeleton, but I'm a skeleton who is still making it to class. Why aren't Sirius and Peter doing anything?"

He soured at her words, and even though it was something they needed to discuss she hated having to chase away his mood. James was like her own personal pepper-up potion. He made being happy so much easier. Stiffening at the mention of the other Marauders, she realized this was another dilemma that had been masked by her conscious coma.

"They won't talk to me." He stared straight ahead. "I tried and they just…won't. I might have even made it worse. I just thought that if they wouldn't let me help him then Sirius should know how serious the situation really is. It isn't just Defense that Remus has missed… They just ignored me. He even made a joke about how he thought getting laid was supposed to make someone less uptight."

Sucking in sharply, she cursed herself for the millionth time. She had been so weak. They needed her. James had needed her and she'd just checked out. Grabbing a strand of her hair she pulled on it until it throbbed at the root. "What are we going to do?"

"You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves." He said in a way she'd grown far too familiar with. It was a tone of finality.

Her chest puffed with indignation. She was sick and tired of his attitude that things just were the way they were. If something was broken you fixed it- that was her attitude and he better just get used to it. "Oh no no no, Potter. I let that codswallop go with Sirius because that's your business with him and I think we can all agree that I'm more of problem than a solution when it comes to the two of you, but if you think I'm going to wait on Remus Lupin to come asking for help then you don't really know either one of us. I won't watch him ruin seven years of hard work with a bottle of Firewhiskey… I'll help him whether he wants it or not."

Feeling strong and rejuvenated as adrenaline ran rampant through her veins, she marched away from him heading towards the library. It was time to move onto the next set of names. There wasn't anything else to be done about Viola and Porter. Her mind had just begun to delve back into its obsessive pace when something hard and strong lifted her off her feet.

"You ruddy Neanderthal!" She smacked his back as hard as she could. It was the only thing she could reach upside down and slung over the Head Boy's shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "What do you think you're doing?"

He smacked her bum while laughing jovially.

She sputtered with indignation. "Did you just spank me?"

"You're not missing one more meal on my watch." He told her striding forward as if she weighed no more than his school bag. "Don't even pretend like you were headed to the Great Hall."

Mumbling a string of incoherent curse words into his back, he cut her off again.

"Don't worry though, Lilykins." He said in what she could only imagine was supposed to be a soothing voice. "I have no intention of taking you to the Great Hall either. I'm taking you right to the kitchens where I can watch you eat every last bite, and I'm not above using force to make that happen."

They passed a group of third year boys who all stopped to stare as James and his hostage lumbered passed.

"James Potter, you arse!" She wiggled recklessly.

He only laughed harder. "No, actually your arse, love. You just made those nice young lads' day with a peek of your knickers."

Huffing one last time, she went limp in his arms, surrendering herself to his fate.

The fate turned out to be exhausting as he made her shovel mouthful after mouthful down her throat as the delighted house-elves watched on. If it had just been James she would have spit the food back in his face, but she couldn't bear to disappoint their hopeful little faces. It was possible he had been right about neglecting her proper nutrition intake because she was close to throwing-up after the fifth bite.

With her stomach more full than it had been in weeks she struggled to hold her eyes open as she followed him up to their suite. Stubbornly she refused his arm that offered to support her. She was still sore at him for his earlier actions. Not sore enough to deny the night in his bed, but not friendly enough to lose her knickers either.

At dawn she woke up with the sunrise, finding her toes tucked beneath James' toned calf muscle. He sighed, smacking his lips together as she gently wiggled away from him and into the brisk air of his room. Deftly dipping into her bag she pinched the folded parchment between two fingers and tiptoed across the room to James' desk.

_**CAMILLE COLLINS (muggleborn) + ASHBY CAMPBELL (pureblood)**_

_**Camille- Gryffindor 20 years old. Ashby- Hufflepuff 7**__**th**__** year. **_

Summoning up the mental image of Camille Collins she remembered from fifth year she tried to conform that beautiful Head Girl with the Featured Columnist for the _Daily Prophet_ she'd become. At fifteen Lily had thought Camille was everything she ever hoped to be. She'd wanted to be just like her. Well…until Camille had turned on her in the middle of fifth year with no reason at all.

Ashby and Camille were an odd couple. For one thing she was out of Hogwarts and a successful writer for the most popular wizarding newspaper in all of Britain while Ashby was still in school. And just because she couldn't find the charm in the smarmy prefect, didn't mean plenty of other ladies didn't. Ashby's consistent conquests were fodder for gossip almost as much as Lily was.

She remembered how she'd heard about the unlikely coupling in the first place. It had come from Ashby's own mouth.

"_A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, but let's just say I've captured the eye of a certain Hogwarts' alum who may or may not be the spotlight columnist for the Daily Prophet."_

So it was safe to assume that the entire room full of prefects was on the list of people who knew, not to mention all the people they'd probably told.

_**People who knew: Prefects**_

Concentrating on the words she'd collected, she tickled her chin with the tip of the quill.

Whispering into the orange glow of the room, she tucked her feet underneath her, turning back to the boy she'd left sleeping in his bed. "James?"

He grunted, but didn't stir otherwise.

"James?" She repeated her voice raising the slightest octave. "Do you remember Camille Collins?"

Again he grunted, but this time he rolled towards her and lifted his head from the mountains of quilts. "'s early, Lils."

"I was just wondering if you remembered Camille Collins from when she was at Hogwarts."

He yawned, extending his arms above his head and exposing his chest. She was tempted back to bed, but he blinked several times trying to bring her into focus without his glasses. Giving up he closed them and spoke as if he were sleeping. "Head Girl. Pretty. Wore glasses."

He went silent after that and she assumed he'd been lost to slumber, but he continued to mumble after a moment with an even heavier slur dragging each word. "Seeing Sirius…fifth year… No bra…under robes."

She sat very still as he shared a secret to the safety of his eyelids. It wasn't the first secret he'd told her. There had been the map, the cloak, and all the secret passageways. He had showed her that he was an Animagus along with the others, but this was the first secret that he'd shared that betrayed the trust of one of his friends. Half-asleep he probably didn't even realize what he was doing, but it made her feel odd.

It made her feel like she was betraying them too…Which was so backwards in the grand scheme of things because if Sirius was seeing Camille Collins in fifth year that meant he'd kept that little detail quiet when they'd started dating after Christmas. Or Sirius had been stepping out on her. It also explained the cold shoulder she'd received from her role model, but she wasn't quite willing to consider that in the current tumultuous social environment. They had enough conflict as it was without her digging into ancient wrongs.

And how could she be betraying them by merely knowing information?

She'd been drawn to the boys almost immediately after arriving at Hogwarts, fascinated by their connection to each other and the ease to which they lived their lives. They were so very different from her. They had all the things she worked so hard for without ever even knowing it. For so long she'd wanted them to see that she belonged with them too.

Learning all the things she didn't know- all the things she'd never be privy too- only reminded her how much she wasn't one of them. And it was becoming horribly clear that she never would be.

The worst part was she couldn't love them any less for it.

"Leavin'?" James grumbled hearing her collect her few things that scattered around the floor.

She looked back at him through the lavatory door. It remained as open as it had the day she told him she loved him. "It's Saturday. You should sleep in. I've just got a few things to do."

"Lunch… See you then." His said unthinkingly before making the effort to open his eyes, and peer at her with intense focus. The effect was ruined since she knew very well he couldn't clearly see her without his glasses. "I mean it. I better see you at lunch."

An amused smile deterred from her irritated huff, but she nodded in agreement even though he couldn't see.

Less than an hour later she was dressed and headed to the Great Hall with purposeful strides. James would have been thrilled at her destination, but the truth was that she had no intention of eating. She had a Marauder to find.

She was about to enter when her eyes met a pair of beady blue ones. Peter looked down quickly and changed direction, but it was too late. Her long legs caught up with his stouter frame in no time at all.

"Oh!" He tried to act surprised when she reached out to grasp his shoulder turning him to face her. "I didn't see you there, Lovely. Nice morning, isn't it?"

"You must not have heard me calling your name either." She told him with a sharp smile. He'd been avoiding her ever since he'd kissed her at the Hufflepuff party, and she'd been perfectly content with that arrangement. It was an incident that she'd much rather have swept under the rug than pulled out for public consumption. "Look Peter, I don't want to cause any more trouble and I know your being a good friend to Sirius, but Remus needs a good friend right now too."

His round face twitched in several places all at once, and his eyes darted around rapidly as if Sirius would pop out at any moment to catch him speaking to her. She felt bad for causing him such extreme anxiety, but in the Marauders' chain he was the weak link. If she could get anyone to break it would be him.

"He doesn't want our help." The words came out so fast they nearly blurred by her ears. "All he wants is Firewhiskey and he'll curse anything that gets in the way of that…doesn't matter who it is."

"He can keep his Firewhiskey for all I care." She told him recklessly. "As long as he goes to class, stays out of trouble, and passes his NEWTS then it's no business of mine how he grieves… We just have to help him get through this right now."

A calm power overcame Peter's features suddenly and he stared at her with strength she'd never imagined he possessed. "You can't help him. He won't let you."

"Then what's the harm in letting me try?" She tried to hold onto her composure. "If he curses me I'll just be getting what I deserve, right?"

The nervous boy returned in an instant and again he looked around the corridor. She wondered if he was imagining shrinking down to his rat size and scurrying through one of the holes in the wall. "…He's still in the dorm. I don't think he slept last night, but I do know that he's drunk… He's always drunk."

"Thank you, Peter." She said with a beaming smile. A couple of weeks ago she would have hugged him, but things were different now. No, _everything _was different now.

Hurrying to the Gryffindor common room, she was met with a steady stream of students heading to breakfast. Their stares still lingered a little too long across her face. How long would she be the girl who ripped apart James Potter and Sirius Black?

She waited until the common room was clear before going up to the seventh year boys' dorm. More rumors about what she had been doing up in the Marauders' dorm wouldn't do anybody any good. It might have been her imagination, but she swore the smell of Firewhiskey hit her nose at least a dozen steps from their door.

Entering she realized that she hadn't imagined it at all. The room looked like the contents of the stocked bar at The Leaky Cauldron had exploded along with the dirty laundry of the Quidditch locker room. Tiptoeing around the piles of mess, she came to stand in front the one four-poster bed that didn't have the curtains opened.

"Remus?" She whispered even though they were alone.

A cold laugh met her question as the hangings were pulled open. "They must really be desperate if they're letting you in."

He looked even worse than when she'd seen him before. His brown hair was thin and long hanging into his face with an unkempt air that didn't suit him at all. The patched orange shirt he wore was stained and loose on his shoulders, making him appear older and smaller at the same time. A bottle of nondescript liquor was propped in his lap where he reclined against the headboard of his bed with his other hand gripped tightly around his wand.

When he spoke again she realized he had been sizing her up the same way she was doing him. "…But they didn't let you in, did they? Sirius would let me drown my liver before he swallowed his pride and asked you or James for help."

"Maybe you don't know us as well as you think you do." She replied cryptically, neither confirming nor denying his accusation.

Again the cruel laughter that made him a stranger ripped through his lips like poison. "Oh no, Lovely Lily, don't fret. I have no disillusionments that any of us really know _you _at all."

Taking a deep breath, she ignored the jab and focused on her real purpose there. Emerald eyes measured him evenly. "It hurts, doesn't it?"

He stared at her surprised, his lips hanging loose. That wasn't what he'd been expecting her to say.

She continued. "It hurts so fucking bad that you'd rather cut out your heart than feel anything at all. At least when you're numb you can still breathe. And even if you stop it doesn't matter anymore, because you just don't care…"

He didn't utter a word. There was a gleam in his eye that she couldn't identify, but he remained stoic.

"Have you ever heard that phrase that it's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all?" She continued daring him to react while yanking on her hair. The pain encouraged her on. "If someone had offered me that option after I lost my parents or Baker I would have accepted it in a flash… Anyone who says they'd take the hurt when the pain is so fresh is a liar. Losing someone you love is-."

"Stop!" She couldn't have predicted the brutal wave that broke over him. It happened so suddenly. In an instant he was across the bed and gripping her tightly by the forearms. "Stop! You don't understand anything!"

Wide eyed with fear, she couldn't help the natural reaction to break free of his hold. Tomorrow bruises like black tarantulas would be wrapped around her arms, standing out against her pale skin. Ignoring the pain she forced herself to meet his dark eyes as she spoke with unruffled incredulousness. "You don't think I understand what it's like to lose someone that I love?"

And then he was shaking her with wild abandon. The rough motion jerked her head back and forth as if she was nothing more than a plaything in the teeth of a vicious dog.

"Can't you see?" He shouted as the potent smell of Firewhiskey hit her full in the face. "I didn't love her! I couldn't even tell her what I really am… She died and I'm still here. She loved me! And she died… Kat _died_!"

Streaks of fat tears cascaded down his cheeks like angry waterfalls.

"Remus…" Her voice was pleading as she felt the sting of her own tears.

"Stop." He commanded again as the word lodged in his throat. "She deserved someone who could love her back. She deserved someone who was whole and all she got was me- half a man. At least if I was the monster she would have had the chance to love someone else. Eighteen years and all she got was me, someone who couldn't love her."

Without the words to make it right, she took him in her arms allowing him to bury his wet face in the hallow of her neck. His body shook and she held him tighter, letting their grief engulf them. She didn't move even when the tremors subsided and he began speaking again, his lips muffled against her throat. "I have to turn it off. It's the only way I can keep on going. It's so much easier to be the monster…"

She nodded, shivering at his tickling breath on her collarbone. His lips touched her neck again, but it was different. Without hesitation he did it again and she froze stiffly, not even daring to breathe. Leaving a trail of kisses and tears he worked his way up to her jaw line and commandeered her mouth without meeting her eyes for permission.

The Marauders were making it a habit of putting their lips where they didn't belong, but unlike the alarming kiss Peter had forced on her, she was not frozen from shock. If she pushed Remus off immediately he could very well be lost for good so she remained stoic with indecision.

His chapped lips tried to coerce a response and she tasted salt and Firewhiskey. With one last lingering kiss he collapsed away from her, sinking onto the end of the bed with his head in his hands.

"I'm just as bad as Peter." He muttered to the floor with horror. "I am a monster…"

Her muscles were so stiff they ached when she finally moved. "You're trying awfully hard to make yourself a monster, Remus, but if you have to try so hard then you're not really a monster at all."

"I have to be." He said looking up at her through his eyelashes. It was him who was pleading this time. "I need to be numb. It's the only way."

Who was she to judge how someone dealt with pain? She'd checked out too. She just hadn't needed alcohol to do it.

"I know what you're trying to do." She told him pointedly. "If pushing everyone who cares about you away is what you really want…then telling James and Sirius that you kissed me is an excellent way to start."

Startled he jerked to his feet only to wobble severely into his bedpost. Once he regained his balance he turned to her looking betrayed.

Holding her hands up in defense, she shrugged her shoulders noncommittally. "If you really want to alienate everybody then all these half-assed attempts aren't going to work. If this is what you really truly want then I'll go tell them right now."

Fear speckled his face like freckles after a sunburn. "Not like this… I don't want them to hate me."

Lily was barely able to suppress the victorious grin that threatened her lips. "If you need to keep drinking then I'm not going to stand in your way… But you're going to have to do something for me if you want me to keep quiet about what just happened."

"Please don't hate me…" Desperation reached through his hands to grasp hers."I don't deserve them anymore…but I can't have them hate me for it."

"Finish the year then. Go to classes, do your assignments, do whatever you have to get through the year." Hope flooded her as she squeezed his hands. She had no intention of letting him actually push them away. When school was finished she'd figure out a different way to convince him, but right now he had to get through the term. He'd never forgive himself if he didn't. "After that when it doesn't hurt so bad things might be different."

Silently he met her eyes with uncertainty until he broke again and with water welling in his eyes he agreed.

After helping him back to his bed she exited the room with a deep sigh of relief. It wasn't a solution, but it was a temporary quick fix that would have to do.

Opening the door she came face to face with the one Marauder she hadn't already seen that day. She paused trying to read his expression before closing the door behind her with a soft click.

Still Sirius did not speak.

He didn't need to. Everything he was thinking she could read right through his eyes. They just stood there staring at one another, measuring what they knew and what to do next.

She had no doubt that he'd been there almost the entire time. Maybe he'd seen her talking to Peter and followed her.

The tension in his cheeks held the knowledge of distrust and suspicion. Remus was showing weakness. A weakness that was driving him into darkness and that was one thing Sirius could not accept. Just as her parents had left a lasting mark on her psyche, the same could be said for the boy who grew up as a Black. A family who's history was thoroughly drenched in darkness.

Sirius had heard the confessions of wanting to become a monster from his trusted friend. He also knew what she'd offered Remus, but he also knew (just as she had) that the threat she'd proposed to their friend was nothing more than a ploy. A ploy that in his normal state of mind Remus would have scoffed at, but as much as he wanted to do what he perceived as the right thing, they all knew that he loved his friends far too much to actually go through with alienating himself. Lily had simply offered him an excuse.

She'd saved him from himself, even if it was only until the others could find a way to do so permanently.

Still she held her breath waiting as the rapid succession of emotions plowed through Sirius. She and James had betrayed him. They'd been the two people in the world who were supposed to love him the most and they'd chosen each other over that. He had a right to hate her that she couldn't deny. With hate came the need to ruin, and ruining whatever progress she'd made with Remus while poisoning her relationship with James was a possibility that she'd placed recklessly in his hands in that moment.

With eyes locked in the deafening silence outside the seventh year boys' dormitory, she waited full of fear and anticipation.

And then with the slightest nod of his head he slipped away from her, taking the stairs and leaving her alone.

Remus was wrong. There was one thing that could make Sirius Black swallow his pride- love for his friends.

0000000

**Author's Note:** School is over, finals are done! I'm sure many of you are celebrating along with me. I started writing this chapter and realized that not only would it be like 24,000 words alone, it would also be just an overload of information. So I split it in two (which is why this chapter is a little shorter and end is kind of awkward), but this means I've already started on the next chapter and plot-wise it is HUGE!

**BEHIND THE SCENES**

[FLASHBACK] The first memory Lily recalls of Snape's remarks to Lily in concern to Primrose Tripe come from Chapter 7: _The Breaking of a Rule. _

[CANNON] Remus' spiral and his relationship with Lily was inspired by the line in third movie, _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_, when Professor Lupin is speaking with Harry. _"The very first time I saw you Harry, I recognized you immediately. Not by your scar, by your eyes. They're your mother Lily's. Oh yes, I knew her. Your mother was there for me at a time when no one else was. Not only was she a singularly gifted witch, she was also an uncommonly kind woman. She had a way of seeing the beauty in others, even, and perhaps most especially, when that person couldn't see it in themselves." _

Every character on "the list" has been seen or mentioned at some point during LOAT.

[CANNON] Lily's quick to trip to the Ravenclaw common room features all cannon aspects to the tower. It's airy with midnight blue carpet and a domed ceiling. The colors are blue and bronze, and the windows are hung with soft silks. As seen in _Deathly Hallows_ the entrance is a door with no knob or keyhole, instead there is an eagle shaped bronze knocker. To enter you must answer a riddle.

[CANNON] As some reviewers noticed James and Lily's get together scene was reminiscent of Harry and Ginny's in HBP. They both happen in fantastic fashion after the Gryffindor/Ravenclaw Quidditch match and both to the surprise of the student body.

Chapter 12: _The Most Wonderful _is the most reviewed chapter. Ironically it is the chapter that features the least amount of James (he only appears briefly to pick up Sirius) and is the chapter that ends with Bakers death. Oddly, Chapter 16: _Roses Only_ which focuses on James and Lily's relationship (with smut) and Kat's death is one of the least reviewed chapters.

[CANNON] During Lily's summer she comes to know many establishments in Diagon Alley. The cannon stores being The Magical Menagerie (where she lives and occasionally works) and The Leaky Cauldron. I created The Broom Closet (The younger pub where Lily meets Baker's friends) and Maureen's Cupboard for Stylish Witches (where Lily buys Kat's birthday present and the black dress that she wears to Kat's party).


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Love and Other Tragedies**

_**First and foremost I have to wish a very happy birthday to LAOT. It has been posted for over one year as of May 27th!**_

**Previously:** Lilyfound a list of names connecting all four muggleborns that had been murdered with a pureblood in Professor Crouch's classroom. Remusfell into a drunken numbness after Kat'sdeath, missing classes and pushing everyone out of his life.Lily confronted him and got him to agree to start attending classes again and do whatever it takes to finish school. Lily is on a mission to find out who wrote the list. Meticulously she is going through each couple to discover a link that will lead back to the perpetrator. Joshua FisherandPrimrose Tripe are not helpful because he is dead and she never returned from holiday, and also everyone knew about their relationship. Lily discovers that the KEY to figuring out the list is to find the common person in each scenario that would have known about the Muggleborn and Pureblood as a couple. Seeking Porter Knight she finds out that his relationship with the older Viola Singh was a secret that only a few students knew about and the professors that caught them snogging.

Camille Collins had been the Head Girl in Lily's fifth year. She was also a role model to the young prefect until suddenly halfway through the year when she started giving Lily the cold shoulder. James unknowingly spills the information that it was because Sirius and Camille had been snogging that year. Lily bought a kitten from The Magical Menagerie before Mr. Pricesent her favorite miniature turtle Harvey as a gift, and Jamesclaimed the gold cat as his own naming him Snitch.

THIS CHAPTER IMMEDIATELY BEGINS WHERE CH. 17 ENDED

**Chapter Eighteen**

**Spared**

Pushing thoughts of Remus and Sirius to the back of her mind, Lily rushed to the Great Hall hoping James hadn't already sent out a search party look for her. She hadn't intended her meeting with Remus to last until lunch, and the Head Boy had made it perfectly clear that her attendance at the meal was required not suggested.

She spotted his wild raven hair halfway down the table and took off towards him. He had some nerve picking at her about the perpetual wrinkles that decorated her robes when his hair often looked like birds had been nesting in it.

"Oh." Lily stopped short. James wasn't alone. Eyeing the three cautiously, she slowly took her seat. "Hello."

Sandwiched between Callum and Piper, James grinned at her over his empty plate. "Excellent timing, Evans. I was just finishing up before Quidditch practice when Palmer and Prescott offered to have lunch with you."

"How…kind of them." She narrowed her eyes at him after giving a doubtful once over of each of his accomplices. The mothering had been sweet at first- in a very non-James type way- but it was getting old. She didn't need him hunting down her friends to make sure she ate all her vegetables.

Instead of avoiding her eyes like a normal person would under such a glare, James met her focus straight on with a daring smile. When she didn't bother to return the sentiment he told them goodbye and dashed away.

"Strange bloke you've got there, Lovely." Callum gave her a weak grin. Beneath his lighthearted statement there was subtle irritation.

She summoned her brightest look hoping to erase the imperfection in the veneer. Often she forgot that not too long ago Callum had been interested her in a romantic way. He had been a choice that was brilliantly free of complications, and maybe with a little work she could have been interested him in that way too. He was good at suppressing whatever feelings he'd once pushed towards her, and this was the first time his façade had cracked. She wasn't accustomed to it. With James she had always been aware he wore a mask, but she'd never thought to try and pry a disguise away from Callum. She hadn't been aware he'd been wearing one.

"He's back." Piper noted a split second before James hurried to a stop with them again.

Lily groaned. "For Merlin's sake, I swear I'll eat!"

"Fantastic." He remarked off handedly. "Was I having a rather bizarre dream or were you asking me about Camille Collins this morning?"

Her nod was slight and indecisive. Unlike James she had no problem avoiding his eyes when he brought up something she didn't want to deal with.

She had made a little progress with Remus that morning, but she'd also found out something that she'd been blind to. The poor broken boy she'd left in his bed could never know the truth- that his involvement with Kat had drawn the attention of the Death Eaters who murdered her. There would be no coming back from that. And if she couldn't tell Remus then she couldn't tell James. Not yet, at least. Because when the Marauders reunited there would be no room for secrets. She'd have to bear the knowledge alone.

At her concession, James' face scrunched with scrutiny. He was trying to figure out how much he'd told her in his unguarded state. Eyeing Callum and Piper, his face settled into meaningful stiffness. "…And?"

"Just feeling a bit nostalgic, I suppose." Her reply was pointedly vague.

In an unfamiliar tick, he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. "If I recall you were fairly fond of her while she was Head Girl…"

_Are you still now? _He left the unspoken question hanging in the air. He was obviously trying to lead her to the answers he was searching for without clueing in the two listeners or give anything more away. He knew that he'd told her about Sirius and Camille, but he was trying to figure out if she was upset. She took pity on him with a matching pointed voice. "My memories remain untainted."

"She was a good Head Girl. I heard she got her heart broken right before Christmas that year though." Again his voice was casual with a serious edge. He was telling her that whatever romantic entanglements had ensnared the older girl and Sirius had ended before he and Lily ever started anything. Sirius might not have been truthful, but he hadn't cheated on her.

For the second time James bid them farewell, leaving Lily and her friends to their meal.

"Odd." Piper's remark broke the silence as Lily filled her plate.

Thinking she meant James' behavior, Lily tried to think up an explanation, but was saved by Callum's snort. He had found the irony of Piper deeming anything as odd. Thankfully, Piper ignored him and continued on her own. "Collins was very private with her love life. And yet she is not even at Hogwarts and I have heard of two supposed boyfriends."

"What do you mean?" Callum's face twisted with his usual distaste of dealing with the Hufflepuff.

"James just implied that she had been seeing someone in her seventh year, though I do not recall hearing anything of the sort." Piper replied nonplussed as she cut her food into small symmetrical squares. "And Campbell went around boasting to anyone who would listen about his relationship with her. I have little patience for him, but when he got points taken from Hufflepuff for rabbitting in the corridors I had to intervene. After my reprimand and an apology to Professor Crouch however, I did not hear anymore of the matter."

"Professor Crouch took points from Ashby for bragging about Camille?" It was Lily's turn to demand an answer. The same fervor that had pushed her to find answers since she'd found the list stroked her racing mind. It was a direct link between Crouch and the knowledge of Camille and Ashby's relationship.

"Yes." The Hufflepuff answered resolutely, carefully tucking a bit of food into her mouth.

Piper might have been fine with Lily's abrupt enthusiasm, but Callum looked perplexed by the turn. The freckles that danced across the bridge of his nose wrinkled in his concentration. "Why are you so interested in Camille Collins all of the sudden?"

Lily thought about lying. Callum peered at her with an undercurrent of suspicion while Piper took disinterested stabs at her food. She hadn't breathed a word to anyone about what she suspected except Professor McGonagall. At first she'd wanted an opportunity to think things out by herself, but now it was starting to weigh on her. Hadn't they already helped? Who was to say that they wouldn't have more information that they'd never thought amounted to anything?

"I think Professor Crouch had something to do with the Muggleborns that were murdered over holiday." She blurted finally, tensing for their reactions.

"What?" Callum's outburst came barreling out first.

Cringing, Lily tried to find strength in Piper's unwavering response. "I know it seems mad-."

"You can't possibly believe the Headmaster would allow a _Death Eater_ into Hogwarts." He cut her off. His icy blue gaze dared her to deny it.

"Dumbledore hasn't been here over half the term. Of course, I don't believe he would ever intentionally endanger students, but how could he know what's going on if he's not here." She shared her reasoning. "Professor Crouch has made it clear that she's out for me-."

"Lovely," Callum soothed gently, his mannerism switching from incredulousness to softness at her explanation. "Don't let a petty grudge cloud your judgment… Maybe it just seems easier to deal with Cooper's death when you have someone to blame."

She didn't want to hear his rationale though. It hit a little too close to home after she'd had the very same doubts. She pushed them away again. If Kat's death had really been so randomly senseless then the stupid list would turn up nothing. It wouldn't hurt to try and get to the bottom of it though. Lily squared her shoulders to respond, but Callum began again, finishing off the last of his lunch.

"I'll see you in History of Magic Monday. We're having a NEWT study session in the common room the rest of the afternoon." He excused, but Lily could see the pity that clung in his gaze as he left them. He really thought she was blinded by the loss her friend.

Alone, Lily and Piper settled in the silence he left them in. The redhead did not speak staring at the spot he had left unoccupied rather than chance a look at Piper.

"Why would Professor Crouch want to hurt Muggleborns?" It wasn't what Lily expected, but Piper rarely was. Looking up hopefully at the blonde's face, she did not find pity or disbelief. Instead she looked curious. Like all emotions on Piper, it was a shadow of expression behind her unmoving features.

"She's in a relationship with Matis MacMillan…I think they're working together." Telling her the best guess, she didn't dare hope that Piper would flatly believe her. "During the attack on Hogsmeade, Crouch and Slughorn were the only professors missing. Slughorn was on vacation, but where was Crouch? She's the Defense teacher. Shouldn't she have been helping? And she was a Ravenclaw which would have given her access to their dorm. I've never believed that Grace Murray just disappeared. It doesn't make sense. If Grace had been planning on leaving then why would she be making plans the day before? I think Crouch did away with her…and I think she's been trying to do the same to me."

"Why didn't she?" Piper's face still showed nothing but curiosity. "If she orchestrated the Muggleborn Massacres then why didn't anyone come after you? The animosity between you and Crouch is well known. If she would want any students at Hogwarts dead, I would think you would be at the top of that list."

"I was on the list though…" Lily told her. She explained everything about finding the list and the connections that were made to certain Pureblood students as well as hers and James' names that had been marked through. "…I don't know why I was spared. Maybe it was because I didn't have a home for them to attack. I was at Hogwarts and Crouch can't touch me here without revealing her true loyalties."

Like a statue, Piper sat staring through Lily as she considered the knowledge she'd just taken in. It lasted forever, but after several long moments Piper's turquoise eyes refocused on the Head Girl.

"I believe you."

Shocked, Lily was almost wary of the revelation. It seemed too good to be true. McGonagall and Callum had acted like she was going round the bend. "You _believe_ me?"

Piper considered her for a few more seconds before replying with the simplicity of words she was known for. "We are _friends_. This is what friends do. Your observations have merit. I believe you."

Lily had never been more thankful for the day that Piper decided to befriend her. Even if it was just one person, she felt validated. Her gut had been telling her the same thing since she'd first laid eyes on the new DADA professor, and she'd let reason talk her out of her intuition again and again. Piper hadn't tried to excuse what Lily felt as some twisted form of grief. She'd accepted what she had to say without judgment.

The relief melted over into the next week as Remus showed up to every class.

He didn't manage to complete his assignments and she was pretty sure he was still drunk most of the time, but at least he was there.

Lily had thought that having someone else in on her theory would ease the desire to discover the truth. She'd been wrong. Having Piper to share with only made her worse. Her mind became a repetitive cycle, going through all the information again and again trying to find the one link that held it all together.

She needed to talk to Ashby Campbell. It was turning out to be a more difficult task than she'd initially imagined. For a boy that was constantly obsessing over his female conquests he seemed to be constantly busy and surrounded by a group of Hufflepuff blokes.

He was a prefect though. Even if she couldn't manage to get him alone until their meeting Thursday it would be the perfect opportunity to ask him to stay behind so she could question him.

As had become the ritual, Wednesday afternoon Lily and James along with their classmates huddled in clumps outside of Defense Against the Dark Arts waiting on Professor Crouch to release her long overdue lesson with the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. Sirius, Remus, and Peter gathered together down the corridor murmuring while Peter acted as a prop for Remus to hold onto as he swayed and his eyelids drooped.

"If you're any more obvious you're going to topple over." James noted lightly of her inclined position as she leaned toward the Marauders trying to make out the words they mumbled.

With a sheepish smile, she straightened. "We have that assignment due today. I hope Sirius didn't forget to make Remus do it…I doubt Crouch is going to let another missed essay slide."

He hummed in the back of his throat and thoughtlessly reached out to twirl a lock of dark red hair around his finger. So far he hadn't tried to stop her from interfering in Remus' life, but he wasn't going out of his way to help her either. He just made the same face he was making at that moment, one of forced obliviousness, whenever she hid Remus from the professors or slipped him notes reminding him of assignments. "It feels like I never see you anymore…"

His calloused finger dipped beneath her robe to trace the bare skin of her collarbone. Her breath hitched at his touch that threatened to make her forget the endless worries she indulged in. The Marauders and all their issues were temporarily forgotten as she leaned in to his warmth. "We see each other constantly. I'm surprised you're not sick of me between living together, classes, and prefect meetings."

"We see each other." James mimicked her actions, adding a suggestive smirk. "But we don't _see _each other."

The moment was gone as her mind had already swept away with the tide as soon as she mentioned the word prefect. She leaned out of his embrace. "Did you finalize those schedules? I've got to turn them into McGonagall by tonight… But it'll have to be after dinner or maybe I can get Piper to skip and go to the library then…" She continued to ramble on as tasks and plans flitted through her mind.

With a heavy sigh, James fell away from her letting his book bag fall to the floor while his head thumped into the wall behind him. She didn't pay attention as he mumbled under his breath with a heavy layer of sarcasm. "Fantastic…Possessed Lily has returned."

"I heard that." She sent him a glare and purposefully stepped on his foot just as the late class began to clear out.

He raised his voice to regular volume to respond. "And you're not skipping dinner so don't even consider it."

James turned to enter the room, but she grabbed his arm to stop him. She ignored the question in his eyes and watched until the Marauders walked passed before joining into the steady stream that filtered in.

"...only remembered this morning." Sirius was saying to Peter. "Of course, I didn't remind him about his."

Bookended by his sober friends, Remus made it to his spot beside Sirius. When James turned to go to his normal seat on the other side of the room, Lily detoured and took the seat that was directly in front of Remus, motioning for Marley to join her.

Professor Crouch stormed into the room from her private office. "Pass up your parchments! No last minute revisions, Mr. Rosier!"

Pulling out her wand quickly, Lily cast a spell on her parchment changing the name and handwriting. She turned to take the stack of parchments from Remus who remained awake but looked pained. At least he wasn't drunk even if he was hung-over. She gave him a small smile before handing the parchments along with the one she'd written but no longer bared her signature.

"Mr. Lupin, how nice to see you finally turn in an assignment." Crouch's bland brown eyes scowled at the fat stack in her hands as she thumbed through them.

Lily focused forward ignoring the surprised shuffle she heard behind her as she watched the professor's eyes narrow with disbelieving glee as she looked through the turned in essays again.

"We seem to be missing one essay… Surely, there is a reasonable excuse for the mistake. I cannot imagine anyone choosing not to complete the assignment after I repeatedly indicated how important this mark would be for your continued success in this class." Crouch's expression of pure joy left Lily with no illusions that her professor didn't know exactly who hadn't turned in their assignment.

Lily twisted the same lock of long hair James had played with in the corridor around her finger and pulled harshly as she raised a stiff hand into the air.

Crouch leveled sparkling eyes at her. "Yes, Ms. Evans?"

"There's no excuse. I forgot to do the assignment." The tickling pain in her scalp made it easy to hold onto the monotone harpooning her words. She swallowed knowing the next statement would be the most difficult. "I apologize, Professor."

Lily could feel several pairs of eyes drilling into her back, but she didn't flinch. She was practically being burned by the intense heat coming from James' direction, but she didn't waver. If anyone came forward now to challenge the authenticity of Remus' paper, it wouldn't do anybody any good, especially not Lily. They'd both get failing marks _and _points taken for cheating. Besides chances were that Crouch was perfectly aware of what her least favorite pupil had done, and was looking at it as the golden opportunity to inflict embarrassment and retribution to her fullest potential.

Crouch's attempt at a concerned look fell flat, contorting her face into some version of thrilled pity. "I'm afraid that failing mark will knock you out of the top position for your year. What a terrible time to be so careless, Ms. Evans. You'll have no opportunity to regain your place so late in the term."

Rage swirled in the carefully locked box deep where Lily had been hiding her emotions. It had been the easiest assignment of the year. She'd completed it in less than an hour. She was sure that before she hadn't turned it in Crouch had no intention of making it important. Now, it would be what stopped Lily from finishing her Hogwarts education with the marks she'd earned.

With shaking hands Lily picked up her quill and joined the rest of the class as Crouch began her lesson with a sly pleased smile.

"So tell me- are you going to meet Sirius down by the lake for a good snog?" James grabbed her arm roughly after DADA, bringing her quick pace to a sudden stop. She'd only managed to make it down a corridor and a half before he caught up with her. "Because you're acting an awful lot like Lovely Lily from sixth year."

She shrugged him off, fighting the pains from her own rage that she'd suppressed all through class. Green and hazel irises swirled in anger as they faced off. "He would have failed, James! I couldn't just let that happen."

"It's not your problem!" The control he reined over his voice and expression shuttered as his hands went reflexively to his messy hair. It wasn't the casual motion she was accustomed to, but instead one of unveiled frustration as she was sure he pulled out a clump of black locks as he went. "I don't want him to fail either! Don't you think it hurts us just the same to watch him self-destruct? You're only making it worse. Don't you see? How will he ever learn from his mistakes if you keep fixing them for him?"

The validity of his points swarmed her all at once, and she was left momentarily stumped. She gaped at him waiting for her careful reasoning to return.

His lithe frame backed her into a cubby of the hallway. Gentle hands took her face, but the storm of emotion fought in his sparking eyes. His words were clipped and rough as he spoke. "I can't stand seeing you be that girl… All I can see are _his_ hands all over you, pushing you into Lovely Lily again and again. It makes me hate him and it makes me hate-…"

Dark eyelashes framed her look of uncertainty as she stared up at the Head Boy. What could she say?

Anything lovely about her had been sucked into the grave, not with one death but with three. She wasn't doing this because Remus needed her. She was doing it because she loved him exactly the way she should. She loved all of them in the right way now.

There was no amount of selfless that would ever bring Lovely Lily back, but there was nothing in the world that could ever take away her ability to sacrifice for those she loved either. If she had to sacrifice a little for Remus to live with himself later then she'd make the same decision every time. It wasn't even really a decision at all.

It was just who she was.

James took a deep ragged breath and pried himself away from her. "Don't do this to us, Lily…It's not worth it."

As he walked away she was left standing against the wall wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball and shut the world out.

"He's right, you know." Remus' voice echoed off the stone.

She looked back at him. The lanky seventh year was alone, and even though his face was pinched with pain, his gaze was clearer than it had been since Kat's death.

She didn't respond.

"I'm not worth it." There was no self-pity in his tone, only casual observation. "I would have told Professor Crouch that you'd put my name on your essay, but it would have only gotten you in trouble."

Nodding at him curtly, she pulled herself together and agreed. "You're right."

"I would have taken the failing mark." He didn't try to hide the confusion that mauled him. "I deserve it… _You_ deserve to finish Hogwarts at the top of our year."

Clenching her teeth until her face hardened with intensity, she stared at him. "Well then you better not miss anymore assignments."

Before he could even open his mouth to deny her, she cut him off. "Every time you miss work I'll turn mine in for you… If you think I don't deserve to fail out of Hogwarts altogether than I suggest you get to work."

It was her turn to walk away, leaving Remus alone to think about what she'd just told him. He might not value himself at the moment, but he would value her. He had to.

Lily didn't have time to pay attention to the invisible cloud of despair that chased her for the rest of the day. Ignoring James' warning about skipping dinner, she met Piper in the library with urgency burning in her gut.

She'd taken Piper through all the information she'd collected, and much to her dismay the Hufflepuff had no new details to offer. They were stuck.

"I do not understand why we have not moved on." Piper said repeating the same sentiment they'd been discussing for the past week. "You found the link between Professor Crouch, Campbell, and Collins. She overheard Campbell discussing it."

"I need to talk to Ashby." The Head Girl was firm in her rebuttal, refusing to delve into the deeper issues that haunted the subject of moving onto the next names.

"That is unnecessary." Despite her confrontational words, Piper's voice was steady and emotionless. "If you truly want to discover Professor Crouch's involvement in the Muggleborn Massacres then we need to move on to the next couple listed."

Lily made an irritated noise. "I need to talk to Ashby Campbell… Besides James and I were the next names on the list. Everyone knew we were a couple."

"You did make a spectacle snogging in front of the entire school." As the blonde spoke her almond shaped eyes squinted with the slightest flicker of annoyance. "And I was not speaking of you and James. You are correct. Everyone was very well of your involvement… I meant Cooper and Lupin."

A visible tremble wracked her body at the thought, and she quickly shoved it away. Her voice was nearly a snarl as she remained adamant in her decision. "I need to talk to Ashby Campbell."

Piper's gold hair spilled over her shoulders as she jerked her chin down and stared purposefully at the NEWT level books they'd been neglecting.

Immediately she regretted her hasty tone. She sighed and began again with a gentle plea flirting in her words. Piper had to understand. "…I just feel like I'm missing something- something really obvious that has been staring me in the face this whole time. I don't want to take any shortcuts and that means talking to Ashby. He might know something."

Piper gave the smallest nod, but didn't look up from her real studies for the following hour. When she did speak again it was only to tell Lily that the library was closing.

Separating from her friend, she was torn between running from the cloud that threatened to rain countless worries upon her and avoiding the Head Suite where James and his angry eyes would be waiting. In the end she didn't have much of a choice though, and after whispering to the Truth Mirror to gain entrance she crept up the stairs through the darkened room to sit at the oversized desk in the corner.

It was late and James' door was closed, but she only turned the knob on the gas lamp enough to cast an eerie glow over the parchment. It had been handled so much it frayed around the corners and wore thick indentions where she folded it each time. She stared at the smudged words written in her own handwriting until they blurred from her intense concentration.

Every time she looked she expected it to be different and every time she was left with nothing but a sick feeling in her stomach.

After she talked with Ashby Campbell there wouldn't be any more excuses for not moving onto the couple she wanted more than anything to erase from the ordeal. Resolutely she squashed the thoughts before they could take root, and doubled her focus on the parchment that she could no longer read as it was branded upon her brain.

"Lily." James' voice came from right beside her, and the fierce jolt that shook her shuffled the parchments that scattered her place at the desk. "What are you doing? It's the middle of the night."

Stretching her neck up to look at him, the sharp pain that caught her movement proved his words to be true, even though it didn't feel like she'd been there for more than an hour.

He was rumpled from sleep with one side of his black hair pushed flat to his head while the rest tried to compensate for its insubordination, doing its best to be twice as wild. Squinting against the light he yawned waiting for her explanation.

"You're mad at me." She finally replied plainly, glancing down to insure her parchment was covered.

He continued to stare at her expectantly, but spoke again when he realized it was all she had to say. "I'm always mad at you."

"You don't think that's a problem?" Her pink lips pinched to the side as she tried to ignore a grin that threatened at his easy reply.

A sigh deep enough to reach into all the issues that grew like weeds around them, settled in his chest. "I think we both might be a little bit right and a little bit wrong. Either way, neither one of us is ready to see it any other way, so you might as well come to bed."

He had mismatched the buttons on his striped pajama top, and she hated that he could look so ridiculous and still make sense. She met his eyes with dim spark of challenge. "I could sleep in my bed…alone."

He yawned again unbothered by her threat. "So you can have nightmares all night and be useless all day tomorrow? I don't think so… I know you're not ready to make up yet. I'm not either, but sleep isn't going change that. We can go back to our stubbornness tomorrow."

When she nodded her assent he had already turned to walk back into his room without a doubt that she'd follow him. As much as she'd have loved to prove him wrong, he was right. The nightmares weren't as bad when he was there to warm her feet when the cold came biting.

Snitch looked up when she entered the Head Boy's room, giving her a cold look as he stood slowly with his gold tail in the air and pranced out of her spot and off the bed. The sleeping kitten she'd snatched up on the way out of The Magical Menagerie had changed a lot, growing into fat cat. One thing that hadn't changed was his attitude. He still adored James and publically shunned Lily.

In silence Lily slipped into the sleeping gown she'd discarded by his bed the previous night and joined him in the bed.

And even though they fell asleep on opposite sides with their backs to one another when she woke up only a few hours later, her icy toes were tucked in the warmth behind his knees.

James had been right. They were both a little right and a little wrong too, and a couple of hours of sleep hadn't made her want to see it his way but it had gotten her through the night.

It was just before dawn and her mind was already sprinting forward, delving through the facts that had not miraculously fallen into place in her slumber. She left James undisturbed, happy for an excuse not to deal with their problems.

It just so happened that her life offered an abundance of distractions from the handsome Head Boy at the moment.

Under the storming Great Hall ceiling, Lily couldn't keep her eyes off Crouch. Her food remained untouched as her eyes feasted on the woman who in all likelihood had killed four innocent people.

She might not have cast the spell, but she'd pointed the wand.

Fiery rage twisted in the box Lily had suppressed deep within her emotions. It would burn her alive if she released it, so she bottled it up letting it fester and give her purpose. She'd done a good job of keeping the box locked tight. In DADA she kept her head down and her thoughts elsewhere, channeling all the professor's jabs into a driving force that woke her up before dawn every morning and pushed her thoughts with obsessive passion to the list.

The box rocked and shook violently on that May morning though. Something was different. It fanned the flames that hummed through her.

Maybe it was the prefect meeting that loomed that night. After that she'd have no excuse to put off writing the new names on the list. Would the box relent to being shut away when she finally saw their names scrawled in black ink? Could she sit in class every day knowing what the monster writing notes on the board had done?

The building sensation lasted the entire day until her heart raced as James led the prefect meeting and she could do nothing but silently nod along. James wasn't the only one casting her worried looks as Piper and Callum joined in on the fun, but she ignored them focusing on her purpose.

When the meeting ended she was shocked that her hand didn't tremble as she reached out to stop Ashby, telling him a low voice that she'd like to speak with him privately.

As was usual a few prefects hung behind to socialize, but James ignored them and lingered near Lily and the Hufflepuff prefect with a suspicious frown.

"Do you have a minute?" Piper detoured him, casting Lily a knowing glance. "I have a question about some of the Transfiguration material that is on the NEWTS."

It only made James more apprehensive, but he followed their friend away from Lily and Ashby anyways.

The tidy haired seventh year didn't look suspicious of her intentions though. Ashby looked close to spewing his dinner as he wiped a thin layer of sweat off his brow. Catching her staring at him, he tried to shake off his nerves and fall into his usual cocky persona. "What can I do for you, Lovely?"

She stared him perplexed by his behavior for a moment too long.

"Potter not doing it for you anymore?" He compensated by attempting to wiggle his eyebrows in a lewd way, but he was nearly green now and it made him look like he had Spattergroit.

For such a supposed lady's man Ashby was acting a whole lot like a first year talking to a girl for the first time.

"I wanted to talk to you about Camille Collins." She told him in a low voice, conscious of the group on the other side of the room.

His strange behavior continued, but changed as he relaxed momentarily before wrinkling his boyish face with confusion. "Why?"

Exasperated she huffed rudely. "What do you mean 'why'? Because she was your bloody girlfriend and she was just murdered."

The stocky boy relaxed once more as he slowly faded into the arrogant bloke she'd become accustomed to. It was completely opposite of a normal reaction. "That doesn't have anything to do with me."

"It has everything to do with you!" The box holding her rage flew open as she snapped at him before she could slam it closed again. "Those Muggleborns were murdered for being in relationships with Purebloods; Primrose Tripe and Joshua Fisher, Viola Singh and Porter Knight, Remus Lupin and Kat Cooper… You told anyone who would listen about your affair with Camille."

If she'd thought Ashby had turned green before it had nothing on the dark shade he turned now as his nerves returned. At least that seemed half way normal. "That's impossible. Collins' death had nothing to do with me."

"So it's purely a coincidence that all the other murdered Muggleborns were seeing a Pureblood and Death Eaters just happened to decide to kill the featured columnist of _The Daily Prophet_ at the same time who just happens to snogging a Pureblood on the weekends?" She shot back aggressively. The box rattled unhappy with her repressive intentions.

"You don't understand, Evans." He whispered vehemently. "It's impossible."

"Explain it to me then, _Campbell_. That seems like an awfully big coincidence to me."

"…It's impossible because-." He stopped jerking his eyes to their classmates across the room. He grabbed her by the elbow and pulled her deeper into the corner. "It's impossible because I've never even spoken to Camille Collins… And because- because…I'm gay!"

Unblinking wide eyes met his revelation. At first her reasoning crushed the idea, but almost immediately it made perfect sense. Ashby bragged constantly about the girls he snogged or shagged, but they were all girls he met on holiday or girls he refused to name at school. He was overcompensating to keep his secret.

"So you see Camille must have been seeing another Pureblood… It wasn't me." His face begged her to agree, and for the first time she found herself empathizing with Ashby Campbell.

Was he really so different from her? They both had pretended to be something they weren't to feel loved. She could see the same sadness reflected in his eyes that she'd seen in the mirror a million times.

He hadn't had a James Potter to shove the truth in his face, that love wasn't real unless it was true. People might really love Ashby as her friends had truly loved her, but he'd never feel it until he was loved for who he really was and not the mask he wore.

"You're right. She must have been seeing someone else- another Pureblood." She lied taking a deep breath.

The truth was too horrible to share. She couldn't inflict that on this boy who had so much to figure out. She protected him like she protected Remus.

In the end the blame belonged solely with the Death Eaters and whoever wrote the list. The truth made her sick though. Camille had been murdered for a lie. All it took for Professor Crouch to write their names in blood had been the bragging of a confused seventeen year old boy. Camille had paid the price with her life.

Someone cleared their throat breaking open their bubble and inviting in the sounds from the outside world.

"Callum." She said surprised to see him back. He had left earlier with most of the prefects when the meeting was finished.

He looked curious glancing between her and Ashby, probably noting the odd pairing. "I ran into some second year Ravenclaws on their way to inform a professor that Remus Lupin is passed out on the Quidditch Pitch."

"But it's storming!"

He nodded meaningfully. "It's not lightening anymore, but the rain is still coming down pretty hard. I figured you would rather handle it then involve a professor."

"Thank you." She told him sincerely, reaching out to place a hand on his arm. Taking one last look back at Ashby she nodded her head, letting him know that his secret was safe with her.

The look he returned haunted her as she hurried out of the Head Suite and into the silent corridors.

She felt exhausted by the newest revelation. There had been no use asking him any more questions. She couldn't have even if there were. One day Ashby would let himself know the truth of what his actions had done. Lily could only hope that he had learned to love himself before the truth set in. He would need all the love he could get.

Footsteps echoed down the hallway behind her and she glance over her shoulder to find James quickly approaching. "What are you doing?"

"What are _you _doing?" He retaliated. "You thought you could carry a full grown man through the castle without drawing attention to yourself?"

She smirked at him while purposefully twirling her wand under his nose. "I've been capable of doing a levitation spell since I was a first year."

"Amateur." He remarked strolling passed until she had to jog to catch up. "I could levitate things in my pram."

"What happened to letting him learn from his mistakes?"

She thought James was going to ignore her as he picked up his pace, forcing her to make good use out of her long legs. "It would be a moot point if you both died of pneumonia."

Stepping into the downpour they both took off in a sprint as one harmless shred of lightening ripped through the sky. She almost slipped twice, but James was surefooted making his way to the wide opening of the pitch in half the time she did.

It took them a while to find the unconscious Gryffindor tucked under one of the stands with his feet out in the rain and an empty bottle of Firewhiskey at his side.

Yelling above the screaming hiss of the water they managed to get him up between the two of them and with the help of some crafty magic on Lily's part they were all soon wrapped back in the dry castle. Remus was covered with the Invisibility Cloak, but it turned out to be unnecessary as they made it to the suite without incident.

"I'll dry his clothes and put him in your bed. He can sleep it off and get some pepper-up potion from Madame Pomfrey tomorrow." James didn't even look at her as he whisked his friend's body through her open door.

Cruel shivers ran up her body as she sprinted to James' room and began to desperately pull off her soaking wet uniform. If she had full working use of her hands she could have cast a drying charm on her clothes, but considering her severe trembles she probably would have ended up charming her ears off.

Completely starkers she was just about to dive into the Head Boy's bed when James stepped into the room and stopped at the sight of her. Goosebumps swirled up her arms and across her full chest making her nipples pebble under his hungry eyes.

"How is he?" She asked meeting his eyes without any attempt to cover her body.

His shirt made a gurgled splat as it hit floor and he began to peel off his trousers. "He's out of his mind. I don't even think you can call it drunk anymore. He's far passed that… I couldn't even understand him. He was slurring something about hating him for kissing you."

"Oh." It was the only thing she could think to say.

James looked up at her, straightening in nothing but his crimson boxers. "Oh?"

"He kissed me." She didn't feel nervous telling him. It hadn't meant anything and in the end it had given her the leverage she needed to help their friend.

"And?" James gaped at her. Her calm confession threw him off.

"And I blackmailed him into going to classes so I wouldn't tell you or Sirius." Sheepishly, she explained further. "But Sirius heard the whole thing and now you know, so I guess it's less blackmail and more along the lines of tricking Remus into finishing Hogwarts."

Scoffing with disbelief he shook his head and shrugged out of his under things as he climbed onto his side of the bed as naked as she was. She followed his example, and hissed against the cold sheets that rubbed against her skin like sandpaper. With plenty of space between them, they laid on their backs staring up at the ceiling.

His chortle of laughter broke through the silence. "Why not just snog Peter and claim the whole set?"

She cringed. Peter's impromptu display of courage would have to wait for another day. It didn't feel like the right time to share that tidbit of information. She'd already finished the collection.

His breathing evened out in the silence, but her mind was too swamped with thoughts of the list and Professor Crouch to fall asleep. There was nothing standing between her and the last two names that would finish the list. It was like a knife twisting in her chest.

She fell into a restless sleep that never fully took hold as she struggled through the night. Her eyes were opened before the sun had broken open the black sky, and she wasn't sure that she'd ever really fallen asleep.

Her heart was a hummingbird, beating so quickly she could barely catch her breath. It pushed anxiety through her veins and made her focus jumpy.

Naked, she rolled out of bed and reached for her clothes. They were gone. A house-elf must have collected them in the night. Bending at the waist she walked quietly across the room, and squinted through the darkness to try and make out any spare clothing she'd left on another occasion. She groaned at her predicament. Making a quick trip over to her room wasn't exactly an option in her current state with Remus passed out in her bed.

"Top drawer in the wardrobe." James spoke from the darkness.

She froze feeling like she'd been caught doing something naughty. "I didn't know you were awake."

He didn't get up or move out of the bed as he repeated. "Top drawer."

Following his directions she opened his wardrobe and pulled open the small drawer. There folded in a small square was a pair of lacy black knickers that she hadn't seen since the Christmas Ball. In the hasty rush of removing clothing they'd been shoved in his pocket that December night.

Fingering the slip of fabric she was overcome with sudden hysterical giggles. "That… is so…so…so-."

The sun had still not made an appearance, but the room was filling with a subtle smolder to announce its coming presence and it made it easy for her to make out his crooked grin. The smile carved up his face and prominently displayed her favorite dimple in his left cheek. "What?"

"Creepy!" She finished giving in to laughter again.

He scowled but there was playfulness in his eyes as he leaned out of the bed and yanked her backwards until she fell beside him. He waited to speak with a wistful smile until her giggles had calmed. "I'd forgotten they were even in my pocket until I got back from holiday and found them in a pile of my fresh laundry."

"At least their clean." She laughed lifting her legs then arching her back as she wiggled them up her thighs.

"It was the first time I ever told you that I loved you." He said softly after she'd settled back beside him with their bare shoulders touching.

"I remember." The memory was bittersweet. He'd made being in love with her sound like the equivalent of having a flesh eating virus. "Always the charmer, Potter."

"I loved you so much it hurt." He admitted without looking at her. "And I hadn't even thought it was possible to love you more than I did the first time I kissed you."

Her lips quirked somewhere between amusement and hurt. None of their firsts had exactly been romantic. "You'd told me you hated me."

"Don't you ever feel _so _much that the line between love and hate blurs?" His pinky finger laced through hers. Their hands settled between them.

She sighed and let her eyes drift close for a moment.

"Do you love me less now?" He asked, shocking her gaze open to lock with his. "Things aren't perfect."

She turned to stare at him. No, things between them weren't perfect. They disagreed, they argued, and they weren't the poster couple for a happy relationship. And still she smiled as she told him. "I feel like my heart might explode sometimes I love you so much, and somehow even when it seems impossible I manage to feel even more for you the next day… I don't want perfect. I want you."

"You're not going to tell me what's going on with you, are you?" There was pain in his question.

"I can't." She twisted out of the bed and reached back into his wardrobe for the first shirt she could find. It was his Quidditch jersey that sank to her thighs and proudly proclaimed 'POTTER' between her shoulder blades.

He followed her as she fled only stopping at his wardrobe to slip on a dry pair of boxers. "You're killing yourself for this and you won't even let me in? You're withering away. You don't eat. You're always distracted, spending hours pouring over a parchment that you won't let anyone see. You can barely sleep… Whatever is going on you can tell me."

"James." He didn't understand what he was asking. The pain in his voice called for her to soothe him and she darted out of his suite needing an escape. "Just let it go."

"I'm not him!" His booming exclamation echoed through their empty common room as he entered behind her. "I'm not Sirius. I will never be willing to let you destroy yourself…because whether you know it or not, that's exactly what you're doing. And I'm not Baker either!"

His name was like a slap in the face. She gasped grabbing onto the couch for support as James glared back at her.

"I don't always know how to deal with you in the right way. I don't know when you need me to push and when you need me to pull back… I _see _you. I always have for exactly who you are, but I don't know if I'll ever understand you the way he did… It kills me that I can't be that for you." He was the only person she knew who could be so desperate and fierce at the same time. "I'm never going to be them, Lily… I won't ignore what's going on, but I don't know how to fix it either."

"I don't want you to be them!" Her shout picked up the volume he'd trailed off. She'd brought these ghosts into their relationship. There was nothing she could do about it now except try and make him understand. "I want you to be _you_. I don't need a hero, James. I'm perfectly capable of saving myself. I don't want Sirius while he pretends nothing is going on, and as much as I miss Baker I don't need him anymore either… This is just something for me to do on my own."

"Then just tell me. If you don't want my help then I won't, but if you really do love me then you should want to share this stuff with me." As he begged she had to look away from his face fearful that she would give in. Instead she focused on his white boxers with 'Slytherins Stink' scrawled in messy gold writing across his right thigh. Her silence rubbed him raw and he exploded again. "Why can't you just tell me!"

Because one day they would be the Marauders again. One day they would all celebrate Christmas together while their children played in the other room and the grownups chatted over Eggnog. Sirius would drink a little too much and his little blonde wife would roll her eyes and chuckle, leaving him to sleep it off on James and Lily's couch. Peter would bring over his new girlfriend for the first time to meet them, and Lily would be free to quit worrying about him. Remus would recline on the couch with his arm around the most exotically beautifully witch any of them had ever seen. He would slip away every hour or so to go stand in the doorway of the playroom with content smile as he watched his twin girls build skyscrapers out of blocks with a little gentleman with her father's eyes.

One day they would be whole again. But if Remus ever found out the truth then he never would be. It wasn't that she didn't love James enough to tell him. It was that she loved him _too _much to ask him to share the burden.

"I can't."

James tensed opening his mouth to go at her again when the door to Lily's room creaked open, and Remus came out of the darkness, leaning against the doorframe for support. "Er… Sorry to interrupt."

His milky brown eyes darted between their tense stances and angry flushed faces. When his gaze lingered on Lily's bare legs she realized that once again she was in a state of undress in public. James glared at his friend and Remus quickly looked away with splotchy cheeks. "I don't exactly remember what happened but I'm guessing I owe both of you my thanks…or an apology?"

"Don't worry about it, mate." James' ability to switch masks truly was something to envy. Instantly he was a good natured friend, grinning and casually taking a seat on the couch. He propped his feet on the table and snatched up a handful of sweets from the decorative dish. Offering a few to his lanky peer as Remus cautiously joined him.

Lily glared at his back. He'd been so sour about her helping Remus and now he was practically accepting the credit. She scowled and went to her now unoccupied room to get dressed.

She was shocked to see that Remus was still there when she reentered the common room fitted in her usual wrinkled attire half an hour later. James said something with a wink and Remus almost chuckled. His face looked unused to the motion as it formed uncomfortable lines around his eyes and mouth. How long had it been since he'd really smiled?

"I'm going to the library for a bit." She told them unwilling to break the moment, but also wanting to give them their time alone.

Remus looked up at her surprised. He looked more awful than ever. His skin had faded to a greenish pale and he still hadn't gotten the haircut he desperately needed. "But seventh years don't have class today."

"Unlike you boys I actually use the seventh year NEWT study day for its purpose…studying." Her time would be spent working on a different type of assignment, but they didn't need to know that.

James didn't look up. He knew she was lying. His tone was strained as he spoke to the empty fireplace. "I'll be down at the pitch."

"The weather's atrocious." A storm had taken up residence over Hogwarts the past few days and from the frightening flashes outside her window it didn't appear to be going anywhere.

"I need to work on some plays for match against Slytherin… I can't bear to be the first Gryffindor captain in three centuries to lose to all three matches." His reply was stiff. "Don't wait up."

"Thanks for letting me use your bed." Remus told her sheepishly. It was strange to see him acting like the old Remus, but she was happy for a visit even if it was just a quick one before he could find another bottle to lose himself in. "I think your turtle might be sick though. I'd take him down to see the gamekeeper, Hagrid, when you get a chance. He's better with animals… I wouldn't wait too long."

She thanked him before leaving.

It was true that Harvey's health had been spiraling again. She thought it would pass just like it had done the last time, but it was only getting worse. Her pet was lethargic and a pale shade that was barely green anymore. There was just so much going on that the tiny creature had been getting shoved to the bottom of her list of worries. Plus, she was almost never in her room and when she was it was always a quick event to change clothes and drop a few food pallets into his aquarium.

Remus was right though. Harvey deserved her full attention and she resolved to take him to see Hagrid as soon as she got done meeting Piper in the library.

The Hufflepuff had already claimed their normal spot in the back and Lily hastily joined her. She already had the parchment out laying it flat on the table. Her eager face shone brightly at Piper. "Ashby didn't have any new information… but I think we should focus more on Camille."

"No." Piper answered flatly. She didn't bother to look up from the mountainous book she stooped over. Only Piper could hunch and still look elegant.

"What do you mean- 'no'?" Quicker than ever before the box was rattling rambunctiously in her gut.

"I came to the library today to get some real work done." She flipped the page, still not gifting Lily with a glance.

Grinding her teeth, the redhead managed to get out a few clipped words. "This is important."

"I do not believe you anymore." Hard blue eyes met hers. "I believed that you had obtained proper affiliation between Professor Crouch and the list you found detailing the murdered Muggleborn students, but it has become clear from your refusal to continue forward that you are far more emotionally involved than I first assessed."

Lily sputtered.

Piper slapped the book closed, creating a clap as loud as the thunder outside to vibrate through the quiet library. Standing casually, she looked down at Lily with a small frown. "Do you really believe that Crouch is responsible for the death of your friend or are you just looking for someone to blame? I am your friend, Lily. From what I understand about friendship, friends do not allow each other to indulge in self-destructive behavior… You need to accept that Kat is gone. Crouch might be responsible, but knowing that will not make her any less dead."

For hours Lily sat alone and stunned.

She wanted to prove them wrong. Piper and Callum and even McGonagall thought that she was looking for someone to blame to ease her suffering.

There _was_ someone to blame though, and they deserved to pay for what they'd done. Someone had written that list. Hadn't she already proven that Crouch knew about all of those couples? Didn't that count for anything?

She had to face the fact that it didn't. As long as it was personal then she'd never be able to see the situation clearly, at least not in their eyes. The only way to prove to Piper and to herself that this was more than just about Kat was to write her name on the parchment with the other murdered students.

Anxiety seized her as she picked up her quill with a quaking hand. She placed the tip near the parchment willing the names to appear while at the same time hoping with everything in her being that they never would.

She didn't know how long she sat there like that. Darkness came again and wind howled from the raging storm that punished the castle walls. She was frozen, aching, sweating, and dizzy, but she forced herself to continue.

The problem was that as soon as she wrote their names it would be real. It would be irreversibly final. It was admitting that even if she caught Crouch it would never erase Katarina Cooper's name from that list. Lily would be surrendering the truth that there was nothing she could do erase the line that had crossed through her name and spared her, while Kat was branded for the blood that they both possessed.

But if she was too weak to accept what she couldn't change then Crouch would never meet justice. Who was to say that she wouldn't inflict more damage by the end of the year? That blood would be on Lily's hands.

Summoning up every bit of strength she'd earned over the past year, she pressed the tip of the quill to the tattered parchment.

And as she formed the letters her mind flashed again and again to Kat's disfigured face and the cruel laugh of a woman whose features she could not longer picture and the solitary cry of a baby who would never get to know the older sister who would have grown to love her so unconditionally.

_**KAT COOPER + REMUS LUPIN **_

Kat was really dead. She was never coming back.

Lily didn't bother with the few books she'd brought with her, fleeing the library with nothing but the cursed list in her pocket. She wrestled the monster of emotions down as she ran ignoring the odd looks from passing students on their way to dinner. A boom of thunder masked her first dry sob as soon as she was free of the school, but she kept going even as the wind pushed and pulled her. Her robes grew heavy as they soaked up the liquid that poured on her like a waterfall and the gusts of winds used the leverage to try and sweep her away.

Unclasping the offending article she left it to blow away not caring as it twisted in the air and floated into the choppy lake. She didn't care about anything except easing the grief that she'd thought she'd escaped.

"James!" She called finally entering the Quidditch changing rooms.

Startled he looked up from his place on one of the benches where several books were opened revealing colorful pictures of death defying loops and spins. A fancy quill tucked behind his ear. "Wha-."

He stood as she rushed towards him and they met at the lips. His body responded with hesitation and she encouraged him, pulling his hand to rest on her breast. He broke away. "You're drenched."

"No talking." She scolded repositioning their lips back together.

Her body was pressed against him, soaking into his dry clothes. The motions were right as he squeezed her sensitive mound, but she could tell his heart wasn't in it. Unwilling to meet defeat she pulled back enough to show him the seductive line of skin revealed as she unbuttoned her blouse.

"Lily." The soft plea was ignored. "Let me in."

She took another step away from him and raised her chin to meet his gaze full on. Didn't he know that he already was? She couldn't let him in. He'd already consumed her.

Piece by piece she pulled away the articles of clothing that painted her body until she stood in front of him naked.

He lasted as long as he could holding her eyes before he let himself rake over her form with the eyes of a starving wolf. With an awed face he sat back on the bench he'd abandoned before staring at the soft curves of her body like he could soak her in if he looked hard enough.

Heat fanned through her. He'd seen her this way countless times before and still he made her feel like he was seeing something miraculous every time.

"I don't need you to pretend that everything is okay when it's not, and I don't want you to understand me better than I do myself." She told him, forcing honesty into every word as she slowly walked towards him. "I just want you to show me that you love me right now because everything else is just…unbearable."

She straddled him on the bench, shoving his books into the floor and pressing her naked body against the soft cotton of his clothes. Leaning in, she paused giving him the power to finish the journey and kiss her fully.

Confused and uncertain, he struggled against the desire she could feel pressing into her thigh. "I just want to do the right thing. I want us to be together in the right way, not because I'm your crutch or escape from pain…that's not real. I don't want us to be wrong."

"This feels wrong?" She rolled her hips into his.

His eyelashes fluttered, hazel irises rolling back. His hands took hold of her thin waist, fingers shooting electric currents up her abdomen. "Merlin, no."

He smelled sweet like he'd been eating chocolate and she leaned in closer wishing he'd kiss her already. "Well quit making things so bloody complicated and shag me."

Suddenly she was being lifted up, her back pressed into the cold locker behind them. The chill sent shivers rioting through her and she arched into him instinctually as her legs locked around his waist. He claimed her mouth with a plundering tongue. His hard body solid against hers as her arms circled his neck, allowing him to feast on her ravenously.

A burning mouth scorched away any thoughts and she clung to him like he would leave. She was as light as a feather in his strong arms and using her legs she tried to maneuver him out of his pants.

He groaned. "I'm not going to last very long if you keep wiggling like that."

She gave him a saucy smirk, but relented her unintentional teasing in favor dropping her legs to the ground. Finding the distinct lines of his hipbones underneath his shirt, her thumbs padded heavily against the hot skin there. It was impossible to grow tired of kissing him, and as their mouths twisted together she traced the flat panes of stomach until they had to separate to free him fully of the garment.

"I couldn't think about anything but touching you for the entire week after I saw you without clothes for the first time." She told him between nipping kisses. "Remember? I'd barged in on you in the shower… And now I can touch you anytime I want."

Abandoning her mouth, he trailed demanding lips to her sensitive earlobe and down to spill across her collarbone. "Really? That was the first time we ever saw each other naked? I'd been fantasizing about it since I was thirteen so it's a little hard to keep track."

He chased away her giggle with the return of his lips. Fire raged in the pit of her stomach with a building need and she quickly grew tired of their playfulness, starting at his hipbones again but this time tracing the line of his trousers. His stomach quivered under her touch.

"You know," He started in a rough whisper against her ear. "Somehow I doubt people would believe just how often their Lovely Lily tries to seduce me."

"Tries?" She challenged, tucking her hand underneath the fabric of his trousers and rubbing against his erection.

Pulling away she struggled to rid him of his belt. Distracted by the button, she missed his movements until his experienced fingers trailed between her legs.

"Lily." His voice was nothing more than a desperate growl as he found the wetness that waited for him.

His pants fell to the floor. She'd lost coherent thought as she fell back against the locker when he flicked her sensually. "Yes…so good."

In the haze of pleasure the quick unsteady actions of being jerked off her feet and pinned against the locker again were lost, but her mind rocked steady when their eyes collided. All she could see was the same inferno that burned her alive. His boxers followed his trousers to the floor and their bare skin mashed together as her ankles intertwined around him.

She slid down on him, allowing him to fill her slowly. His thick hardness stretched her to capacity. A mirroring gasp of appreciation erupted through the steamy air.

And then he moved only to plunge in again. She cried out as a violent wave of desire speckled her vision with dark spots. Their moans were so loud she was sure they could hear all the way in the Great Hall. They climbed the mounting sensation together until perspiration slicked their bodies and James trembled within her.

"…not going to last much longer." His face was nearly lost in the sensation as his careful strokes threatened to send her over the edge.

A nod was all she could manage to return as she thrust forward to meet his hips one last time and the world spiraled around her in a crash of pleasure so intense the nerve endings all over her body fired off instantaneously and her eyes blotted out like she'd looked directly at the sun.

When the world settled again they were on the floor on the pile of discarded clothes and she was cradled on his arms. Their breathing was heavy and skin sticky from sex and sweat.

"We should make-up more often." James' rattling breath echoed through his chest against her ear.

She nodded numbly, unable to speak.

Lily's legs were like wet noodles as they redressed in comfortable silence. Feeling slightly lethargic, she was reminded that she'd skipped all her meals and decided not to share the information with James.

"Damn!" She exclaimed remembering the one task she'd overlooked. All her clothes were secured back in place as she buttoned the last button on her damp blouse. "I swore I was going to take Harvey to see Hagrid today, and I forgot all about it."

"I don't think you need to wait." Concern and the slightest inclination of pity welled in his worried eyes. "Remus thought he was really sick… I can come with you if you'd like."

She thought of the work she'd interrupted. Quidditch was important to him and she knew how much it hurt that they hadn't won a match yet. "Stay… Finish up here. We'll call it even if you let me borrow the cloak. I don't want to be caught out after curfew if it takes a long time."

He dug it out of his bag and she folded it over her arm before going to freshen up in the lavatory. It didn't take her long and she was just about to reenter the changing rooms when voices caught her off guard. At first she thought James was talking to her, but then someone else replied to him.

It was Sirius.

Slipping on the Invisibility Cloak, she held her breath with every intention of getting the hell out of there before her ex-boyfriend could identify her presence. That was the last thing they needed right now.

"What are you doing here anyways?" James was bent over retrieving the Quidditch books she'd unseated. His mask was carefully in place, cool and unforgiving, as he looked over his shoulder at Sirius.

"The storm blew over one of the stands and Remus said…" The answer was fatigued with reluctance.

Lily almost her paused her sly exit in elation. Remus had told Sirius that James was supposed to down at the pitch and Sirius _had been worried about him! _He had come to check on him! However, her momentary distraction only made it more imperative that she flee the room immediately before she was discovered. There minute progress would be decimated by that reveal.

Free of the stuffy room that held the only two boys she'd ever fancied herself in love with, she let out a huge sigh of relief. The weather offered a reprieve from its onslaught and the May air was oddly humid as it clung to her skin and expanded in her lungs. Sirius hadn't been taking the Mickey about the damaged pitch. One of looming stands had cracked at the bases leaving it to slope dangerously.

Thank Merlin he hadn't walked in on them!

She took two steps further into the night and then stopped. Like a leftover strike of unseen lightening Kat's voice resounded in her head, replaying an anecdote she'd been too distracted to pay attention to the time.

Waiting on Professor Crouch to finish her Defense lesson, Kat had unknowingly finished the list for Lily. She'd had no idea it would ultimately be the key to her death.

_"Can you believe that?" Kat demanded incredulously. Her face was flushed scarlet. It was Lily's only clue as to what they had been talking about while she'd been lost in Potter world._

_"Merlin." It was Lily's exaggerated, but pointedly generic response. Obviously they had been discussing Remus, so she cut her eyes to James' left where the sometimes werewolf was punching Peter in the arm with a grin._

_"I know!" Kat's black head bobbed as she nodded, accepting Lily's response as a condolence. "How am I supposed to face Professor Crouch after that?"_

_The mention of her nemesis doubled the Head Girl's interest in the conversation, but she was saved from having to come up with a way of getting Kat to retell the story without admitting she hadn't been listening when her old dorm mate rattled on without waiting for a response._

_"It's not like we were doing anything terribly scandalous. I'm sure she's seen far worse things than a little snogging on her patrols, but we haven't even decided what to call our relationship! All of five people know that we fancy each other and now I have to add our professor to that list."_

The thunder reverberated all the way to her core. Kat was right. All of five people had known about their blossoming relationship. Everyone had known about Primrose Tripe and Joshua Fisher. It was impossible to say who exactly knew about Viola Singh and Porter Knight, and Ashby had flaunted his lie all over the castle.

But Crouch was without a doubt in the know about Remus and Kat when the group of others had been so small. It was all the proof Lily needed.

Shock had jerked her feet to a stop, but it was doubt that made her linger. Would it be enough to convince McGonagall and Dumbledore?

And then what? Crouch would be shipped off to Azkaban, and everyone would know the truth.

…Remus would know the truth.

It was the horrible realization she'd been putting off admitting to herself. Remus could never know. The guilt would kill him.

Picking back up her strong willed speed to the entrance hall, she was torn. Crouch couldn't get away with it. She might not have had the Dark Mark (Lily had checked), but she was a Death Eater. She deserved to face justice. Lily wanted revenge. Gone was the girl who only knew of love and couldn't comprehend what would spawn hate. She hated Crouch. She wanted her to pay for her wrongs, but the hate did not overcome her love for Remus.

Dinner had just finished and students crowded her path. Frustrated and beyond infuriated, she ripped the cloak off not wanting to deal with the inevitable questions of an invisible student barreling over her peers. At least if they could see her they could get out of her way.

The fabric in her hands drew another memory forward though. One that she hadn't forgotten, but simply had never known exactly what it meant before.

_Feet from the castle's entrance, a flash of black caught both of their attentions as it swiftly moved towards them. A hooded figure rapidly cut across the grounds towards the entrance they lingered in._

_"What the-?" Lily began but James cut her off, masking her mouth with his hand and roughly pulled her out of the cloaked figure's oncoming trajectory._

_Just as suddenly as the mysterious stranger had approached they passed into the castle and disappeared out of view._

_"What's she doing in the Forbidden Forrest in the middle of the night?" Lily asked perplexed by the turn of events._

_"What are you on about?" James dropped his hold as soon as the danger passed in favor of his throbbing foot._

_"That was Professor Crouch." Lily had only caught a glimpse of the woman as she rushed by their invisible form, but the recognition was almost instant. "Couldn't you tell?"_

Again her feet stalled out as her mind wrapped around the knowledge, and students of all ages and houses circulated around her like schools fish in the ocean. She'd had other things on her mind at the time, like having just given up her virginity to a boy who couldn't seem to stop insulting her.

Her mind wasn't done though. It plowed on without her consent, dumping random bits of sentences and knowledge into a straight line.

"_Not with how his family is all mixed up with the Death Eaters…" _Marley had said about Luka MacMillan and his dark ancestry.

Baker's voice was as strong as it had been the day he'd died in her memories, telling her about Crouch's romantic entanglements with Luka's older brother, Matis. _"At Hogwarts he was really into the Dark Arts and-." _He'd said of the Slytherin.

And then her mind was in Hogsmeade with Piper and Callum as her Ravenclaw friend recognized Matis on a busy street.

The facts shot like a fertile seed into the depths of her brain as an idea formed. Matis was hiding out in Hogsmeade. It was where Crouch had been before slinking back into Hogwarts in the middle of the night when she and James had seen her, and it was a perfect excuse as to how and where Crouch had been when Death Eaters had marched on Hogwarts. Matis had warned her it was coming. He was close enough to get information to her quickly, and… And at Hogwarts Crouch was in a position to keep a close eye on Matis' Death-Eater-in-training brother, Luka.

Callum had seen Matis with his own eyes after all!

And suddenly Callum was standing right in front of her with a worried face. The hall was still crowded with students as she was pulled out of her epiphany. His hand was cool around forearm. "Are you okay?"

She gave him a distracted nod and jolted forward with renewed vigor in her steps.

"Lily!" He called after her as he tried to match her strides. "Are you alright? Did something happen?"

Her mind was too inundated to grant him a response.

_Crouch and Matis were in a relationship. He was a known Death Eater wanted by the Ministry. He was in Hogsmeade. _

His concern chased her all the way into the Head Suite and her feet finally paused once she had nowhere else to go. In the silence her wits continued to run in circles until finally she snapped back into reality. Worried lines collected the freckles across Callum's face.

"I know who wrote the list!" She burst out.

He took a step back surprised by her explosion and his expression tensed.

"I know you don't believe me." Her words didn't give him time disagree. "But it doesn't matter about the list… Well I mean of course it matters. People were murdered. Kat was murde-."

"Lily."

"Remus can never know." Again the blurted statement was met with a perplexed stare. It wasn't her fault that her head was just too full to stop and spell it out.

"You're going to have to help me out a little more here…"

"Look, if you don't believe me about the list anymore then that's fine because I can't ever tell anyone about it anyways. I can't do that to Remus…. But I don't need the list to get her arrested." It seemed so obvious that trying to slow down enough to explain was like pulling teeth. "All I need to do is get her caught with Matis MacMillan because-."

But Callum had finally jumped onto her train of thought with a faraway look in his eye as he finished for her. "He's wanted by the Ministry and if they are caught together she will be charged with hiding a fugitive."

"Not to mention her involvement with Grace Murray's disappearance and the Battle of Hogsmeade. I'm sure the Aurors could get that information out of her too." Lily had to speak the words over her shoulder because her legs had restarted again and she raced into her room. She needed to change clothes. Hers were damp and cold. "Oh no, Harvey!"

Her pet had once again been forgotten in the shuffle and now she was faced with the consequences. For a horrified second she thought he was dead as he remained unmoving in his aquarium which suddenly looked much too large for him. He looked up at her approach though, wiggling his tiny legs before giving up and introverting into his shell. The brilliant emerald shade was gone. There was almost no color to him at all. Even his Knut sized shell was a pale white.

"Oh, Harvey." Tears gathered in her eyes. "I'm so sorry… It's going to be okay now though. I'll take you to Hagrid and he'll know what to do… It's going to be fine, Harv. I promise."

Callum stood just outside her door in the common room with the same look of clouded concentration she'd left him with. "I think I could lure Matis into Hogwarts."

"What?" Her full attention was no longer reserved for revenge. Cradling his aquarium with both arms she recalled Mr. Price's advice not to cause sudden changes in his environment when he was sick before. It might have been heavy, but she didn't give it a second thought. Harvey couldn't die… He just couldn't. "How?"

"Luka." He explained. Lily had never been so relieved to have a problem solving Ravenclaw for a friend. "I'll have to come up with something drastic enough for him to immediately Owl his brother… I don't know. I'll have to use a little improvisation but Luka is an oaf. He shouldn't be too difficult to trick."

Torn between Harvey and Callum, she looked from her handsome friend to her sick turtle. "But why? You didn't believe me when I tried to talk to you about Crouch before."

"I'm sorry." His voice was filled with the truth of his pain. "I…I-…We can talk about it later. Take Harvey down to the gamekeeper. I'll come get you if anything happens."

She nodded her thanks and understanding. With only Harvey's aquarium, the Invisibility Cloak, and the same dirty uniform she'd worn all day, she made it all the way to Hagrid's door in half an hour. The almost full moon glowed behind thin trails of clouds that threatened to break back open and unleash the raging sky. It had almost become continuous the past few days.

Lily's hands were occupied with the Harvey's heavy home and she had to shout out Hagrid's name rather than knocking. Her panicked bellows had him at his door in no time with blustering seriousness and darting eyes. His hulking figure eclipsed the light of the hut as he stared at her in the doorway.

After a quick explanation she was ushered inside the cabin and Harvey whisked out of her arms.

"Poor little fella'." Hagrid's deep voice murmured as he coerced the turtle onto his giant hand.

Taking a seat at the oversized table she grew nervous that the gamekeeper would accidentally squash the Knut sized turtle. His movements were sloppy as he clumsily bumped into furniture and mess around the room, collecting what appeared to be random supplies.

"Green, is he? Not just regular, but a real bright shade when he's not so ill?" He asked suddenly. Harvey had been placed under a lamp as Hagrid worked over him.

She nodded. If she tried to speak she would dissolve into a sea of tears. She couldn't lose Harvey. Silence returned and anxiously she peered at his back waiting for him to tell her that everything was going to be okay and he knew just how to make her pet better.

He grunted once before letting out an exclamation over the lethargic turtle. His shell, feet, and underbelly had all been examined with surprising gentleness that Lily wouldn't have expected he possessed. "Would yeh look a there!"

"What is it? Is he going to be okay?" Her hands wrung in circles in her lap.

"Don't s'pose yeh 've ever heard of a Singing Turtle, have ya?" Again Harvey was handled in the man's giant hands. Only this time he was transported along with Hagrid to the seat across from her at the table.

She shook her head, but held her hands out to take Harvey back. He didn't look any better, but she wanted to be close to him. It was the same way she'd felt since she'd first bonded with him at The Magical Menagerie.

Hagrid's face was sad as he made no move to return the turtle. "Real rare, the Singing Turtles are. Used to be common pets, but they've died out over the centuries. Haven't heard o' one myself since I was nothin' more than a wee second year… I s'pect yeh wouldn't have him at all if anyone else knew he was in yer possession."

She didn't understand what any of this had to do with her or Harvey. She'd never even heard of a bloody Singing Turtle. "Hagrid, please. Is he going to be okay?"

"He'll be fine as long as he's not with yeh." The words might have said one thing, but his expression and eyes told her he didn't mean harm.

"I swear I take good care of him. I know he looks bad, but I'd never do anything to hurt him. I love him. He just keeps getting sick." Harvey's illness couldn't have anything to do with her. She couldn't stand causing him pain.

"I'm doin' a right poor job of this, Lily. S'all hard to explain, ya see." He shifted nervously in his seat. The chair was big, but he was bigger. "Yer pet here is a Singing Turtle. There's not much to share. Maybe I could find a book or something…"

"So Harvey's sick because he's a Singing Turtle?"

Hagrid's thick beard splayed across his chest as he shook his head. "I'm gonna do my best to help yeh understand… A Singing Turtle connects with somebody. It's about choosin' a person and that special person gets protection. It's not so much physical. Their soul sings to that somebody's soul. They heal 'em… But when their souls get ter singing it takes a lot out o' 'em… Yeh see? The little bloke is tryin' to heal yer soul, but he's killin' himself givin' ya too much."

"How do we fix it? I'd never want him to hurt himself trying to help me." It was too much information to take in. She needed something to concentrate on. Everything else could wait. Right now she needed to make Harvey better.

"He chose ya." Hagrid shrugged like this was the final say. "The only way for 'im ter stop is distance. He'll keep a right on singin' if yeh let him, even if it kills him."

"He was sick before holiday." Slow realization dawned on her. She could comprehend this one small piece of the puzzle. She'd seen it in Harvey with her own eyes. "I was gone and when I got back he was better. So we just need to separate again for a little while?"

She found pity in his black eyes. "He's dyin', Lily. He's given ya too much as it is. The only way to save him is ter let 'im go…permanently."

The small cheerful creature she'd fallen in love with had been reduced to near death just from being around her. If nothing else Hagrid said made sense, she couldn't deny that. The proof was right in front of her.

Opening her mouth to speak again only a strangled choke came out. It was silly. After everything she'd lost she should have been used to it by now, but Harvey had been her constant. He'd been in her life from the very lowest point. He'd been there before Baker. No matter what else had changed Harvey had always been there, playing and swimming right by her bed. He'd offered countless comforts…More than she'd ever even known at the time.

"Does it have to be right now? Do I have time to say goodbye?" She wanted to be strong. Her voice was gargled, but she wiped at her eyes trying to elude tears that hadn't even come yet.

"I'd say ya have a few hours… Yeh should take him to the lake when yer ready. The other turtles will take care of 'im for yeh. They're tender creatures." His smile was purposefully encouraging, but he didn't make a move to hand Harvey back to her, instead replacing him in his aquarium.

Weak, exhausted, and drained she wrapped her arms around the sturdy glass and lifted it up even though it felt a hundred times heavier. It was as if someone had stacked the weight of her emotions inside along with her pet. Her very own rare magical animal she'd never even known had been in her possession.

Hagrid opened the door for her, offering last bits of information that she couldn't bear to listen to.

Callum stood on the other side of the door with a hand raised as if he'd been just about to knock. His blue eyes were bright and alert as they focused in entirely on her. "It worked. I just saw Matis MacMillan rushing through the gate. He's on Hogwarts' grounds."

"What? It's only been a few minutes since I spoke with you." Her brain felt full and thick. Every thought was like trying to swim through honey.

"Lily, it's almost been two hours." He told her sincerely.

Time just wasn't moving how she expected it to. She needed everything to slow down. Matis' quick appearance proved one thing right though. He'd been hiding out in Hogsmeade this whole time.

"But that's impossible!" Hagrid's deep voice was frightfully strong in his denial. "There's no safer place than Hogwarts. He couldn't get in!"

"Hagrid," She tried to soothe the flustered man. "Go get the Headmaster. Tell him a fugitive is in Professor Crouch's room. He'll floo the Aurors."

"Professor McGonagall will have ter do. The Headmaster's away on business." But the new purpose seemed to calm him and he pushed past the two students heading towards the castle. As an afterthought he shouted back to them without ever breaking stride. "It's after curfew, you two. Get back to yer dorms."

Lily had no intention of missing Professor Crouch's downfall though. Hagrid said she had a few hours left to say goodbye to Harvey. This wouldn't take long anyways. She'd be back for him.

She made an excuse to Callum. He wouldn't be fond of letting her go alone and she didn't want to share James' secret about his Invisibility Cloak. Leaving Harvey in the gamekeeper's cabin, she made her way through the familiar halls protected by her invisibility.

In the end her quiet sneaking didn't make a bit of difference. The shouts and blasts echoed shrilly two whole corridors down from the Professor's Wing. She didn't even have to finish the walk as the excitement came to her. Ducking out of the way behind a statue, her presence went unnoticed by the couple who had no choice but to stop as more voices came from the other side of the hall.

Professor Crouch and Matis MacMillan were trapped. Their hands and eyes were locked together as their shared a knowing look. This was the end of the road for them.

Matis was tall and blonde with several other features that linked him physically to Luka, but without the overwhelming qualities that made the seventh year so unattractive. He was skinnier with a softer face. He was also a Death Eater. Lily could see the hideous mark branded into his forearm where his sleeves had been pushed up.

"Luka said-." The Death Eater began. It was an apology, and the humanity of it struck Lily in the chest.

Under the mask and behind the evil these were people. They had been born and would die just like she would… And yet something in them made it possible for them to take innocent lives. How could he be sorry for this and not the lives he had destroyed?

Love and adoration filled Alledora Crouch's plain brown irises as she cut him off with a kiss.

Lily's blood boiled. She hated her more than she'd ever hated anything before in her life. Crouch didn't deserve even the smallest moment of happiness. Not when she'd made damn sure that Kat never had another.

A steady drum of footsteps broke them apart.

The Defense Professor's hand rested on her lover's chest and Lily's eyes were drawn to the fancy symbol embroidered on Matis' robes. It looked like what the wizarding world might deem a family crest. What captured Lily's attention though was how familiar it was. She was sure she'd seen it before, but couldn't place where. Chances were if the crest decorated Matis' clothes then it probably found a place on some of his brother's as well, but she couldn't manage to link her familiarity with it to Luka in her mind.

The corridor exploded with action despite Crouch and Matis' lack of retaliation. They dropped their wands and offered their bodies to be willingly manhandled by the half dozen Aurors that rushed them.

It wasn't until they were dragged apart that the professor reacted, finally showing the signs of struggle Lily had been expecting.

"You're useless." Crouch spat in one of the Auror's face. A cruel unfeeling laugh poured out of her. "You have no idea what you've done! But you will soon… You'll regret this!"

The flick of a wand silenced her and soon they were all gone taking Hogwarts seventh DADA professor in as many years and the Death Eater with them.

As the Head Girl made her way back through the maze of castle walls she was empty of the satisfaction the victory was supposed to bring. All she felt was tired. No, more than simply tired… She was exhausted. It spread deeper than the physical strain on her arms and limbs, even diving further than her worn out mind. There was exhaustion in her soul.

Hagrid's door was as open as she and Callum had accidentally left it. The cabin was empty, and she knew the gatekeeper would be up at the castle with the other adults trying to sort out what had taken place. It was late now, past midnight, and the dark sky had not come through on its threat of rain again. The night seemed never ending though and Lily could not bring herself to be hopeful her good luck would last.

Harvey looked no worse, but he didn't look better either. She didn't worry with his aquarium, leaving it to Hagrid to do with it what he liked. Maybe he'd find a pet of his own to fill it.

With Harvey cushioned on her palm she made the strained walk to the Dark Lake. In the inky darkness he didn't seem so pale and she managed a sad smile when he nestled his head against her skin.

"I told you not to worry about my silly problems, Harv." His name hung in her throat, saturated with tears.

Her feet took her to the alcove of the lake that had once been the special spot she shared with Sirius. She could find the smallest measure of comfort in that place. It wasn't all bad memories with Sirius after all.

Sitting on the boulder, just big enough for two, with her feet concealed beneath the lake's surface, she sat for hours. The water was cold, but the tingling reminder that she could feel anything made it easier to stay focused. She resolved that if Harvey got any worse she'd forego their goodbye to free him, but he stayed the same.

For a long time she tried to think of the right words to say, even if it was silly to talk to a turtle. Maybe she just wanted to find a way to make him understand how much he meant to her and how thankful she was for trying to help her.

In the end she figured he already knew. He'd chosen her after all, if what Hagrid said was true. If he could see her soul then he certainly knew how she felt about him.

As if to agree Harvey raised his head to peer up, and she gave him her bravest smile. The sky had lightened and she knew that dawn was not too far off. A head peeped out of the surface in the distant water before them and it was soon joined by other turtles. The same ones she'd seen Hagrid feeding.

"They know you're here." She told him with a watery smile as she slid off the rock into the shin deep water. "They seem nice enough. I met them just the other day and Hagrid approves so that has to count for something, right?"

His head twisted towards the turtles in the distance and then back to her as if he was confused. She waded farther into the lake until the bottom of her skirt floated around her. The tears came down her face as steadily as summer stream. She didn't even acknowledge them anymore. "You can have a real family now, Harv. I'm a bit jealous actually… And you'll get better. No more silly adolescent problems or me to worry over… Soon you'll forget all about me."

Submerged in the water he swam a quick small circle to stare up at her. He didn't understand.

"Go on, Harv. They're waiting on you. Don't want to get started on the wrong foot do you?" She cried harder despite her encouraging words. With a half hearted attempted she tried to push him towards the other turtles that still lingered in the deep expectantly.

Again he circled back to her as if they were playing a fun game. She took a step back and he followed her. She had to make him understand.

The water was icy as she propelled forward until her toes no longer detected the sloping bottom. Harvey swam easily beside her as she directed them closer and closer to the group of turtles. She was crying so hard she could no longer see and water spilled into her ears. Swimming had never been a talent of hers, but she kept going…for Harvey.

Maybe he sensed his kin, but eventually he swam ahead. She slowed down watching him go. When he realized the absence of her messy strokes, he paused to turn back to her. This time he didn't return to her side, and she knew he understood.

She bobbed uneasily treading water and gave him the most honest grin she could muster. He stared at her for a moment longer before turning back to his new family.

Strong arms wrapped around her torso and Lily was jerked backwards. The movement submerged her fully under the shadowed water and for a startled moment she thought the Giant Squid was going to have her for breakfast. Breaking the surface again, she realized the hands weren't pulling her under. They were pulling her backwards towards land, and besides squids didn't have hands. Not even the magical ones.

The strong arms did not release her until she was dumped onto the grassy shore, and she laid their limp and heaving from the exertion.

"What the hell are you doing?" It was Sirius and he was just as wet as she was propped against the nearby boulder trying to recover. "Were you _trying _to kill yourself?"

She was too tired to try and speak. A soft sprinkle of rain peppered her skin, but she wasn't concerned. She couldn't get any wetter than she already was. The droplets ran down her face as she stared at the murky grey sky.

"How could you be so dim?" His rant prattled right along. Fear ran an undercurrent with his words. "Have you gotten into Remus' stash? That's the only explanation I can think of for why a girl who can't swim would venture into the bloody _Dark_ Lake in the middle of the night!"

"I can swim, Sirius." Her calm response did nothing to match his mood. Limply rolling her head to the side she gazed up at him. "I always could. I just told you that so you never tried to make me go skinny dipping."

His jaw fell slack with surprise. They just stared at one another until Sirius went and did the most wonderful thing in the world.

He burst out laughing. They laughed so hard tears spilled down their faces. His bum hit the ground after sliding down the boulder, and she scraped her boneless body off the grass to face him sitting up. They laughed until it wasn't happy at all anymore and the shakes that rattled her chest were more sobs than anything else.

"I saw you head this way earlier." He explained not bothering to brush away the rain that spotted his face. "When you never left I got nervous and then I saw you flopping around out there like a maniac and I thought you were drowning…"

She didn't need to ask him what he'd been doing out after curfew. He'd probably never returned to the castle after talking with James in the changing rooms. It was his nature to seek solace for difficult emotions.

There was no awkwardness between them. Their old spot erased the past and took them back to another rain soaked time when they'd thought they were in love. He ran a hand through his hair, and she smiled thinking of James. There was no doubt that Sirius had picked up that particular tick from his best mate.

"I guess I really didn't know you at all." He fiddled with a pebble on the ground between his legs. "I didn't know you could swim… Or that you were capable of such cunning blackmail."

She returned his small smirk with one of her own. There was nothing for her to say though. It was Sirius' turn to get it all out. He had a right to.

"You were more Marauder than I ever wanted to admit." He said tossing the small stone into the water. The ripples fed outward until they disappeared just as Harvey had done moments ago. "Maybe that's why I fought so hard to keep you away from them… Or maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I always knew how he felt."

"Sirius…"

"No, you might not need to hear this, but I need to say it." The water darkened his hair pulling strands down his face. He was as handsome as ever. "I need you to know that it wasn't that I didn't love or trust you enough to let you into that part of my life… I- I didn't want to share you with them. You were the one thing that was all mine. I was just stupid enough to think that I could keep you."

He was wrong. She had needed to hear him say it just as badly as he did. It didn't change a thing, but it felt a lot like closure.

"I'm sorry too." She told him. Everything felt heavy like the world was trying to press her flat to the ground, but she persevered against the pull. "For never trusting you enough to love the real me."

"If things had been different do you think you could have loved me the way you love _him_?" His expression was pinched as if he had asked the question against his own will.

She felt a little drunk like the first sip of Firewhiskey had just settled in her belly. It was funny how you could feel so bad until you felt good again. She'd come full circle. She tried to keep her smile straight as the trees spun around them. She couldn't decide which of the two Sirius's she should look at. "I don't think anyone in the world can love another person the way I love James… Not even me. It's extraordinary."

Her ex-boyfriend looked at her oddly. "Well that was honest."

Frowning she found her feet on surprisingly firm ground. She didn't want to think about how small this little victory with Sirius was in the long run. They still had so far to go. Her words were slurred. "I'm sorry."

"Are you okay, Lovely?" He mirrored her standing up.

She nodded, but could not speak. Everything felt weird. Maybe it was that she hadn't slept since the night before. Or maybe that she hadn't eaten all day. Or maybe… she just didn't care anymore.

It was time to stop fighting nature and do as the world wanted. If it wanted to push her into the ground then that was fine was her… It felt a whole lot like going to sleep.

It was strange though. Just as the world went black a stray thought fluttered through her mind.

She still did not know why she had been spared.

0000000

**Author's Note:** Could you imagine if I hadn't split up the chapters? That would have been one MAMOTH word count.

If you're like Lily and things didn't exactly fall into place how you wanted them to don't worry… It's not over till the fat lady sings. I promise no questions will be left unanswered. Also if the Harvey/Singing Turtle revelation didn't totally click for you we will be getting a much fuller explanation from a much more understandable source very soon. Let me just tell you it's hard trying to make Hagrid share important information, so as a reader I think it's safe to assume that he did a poor job explaining.

I guess really what I'm trying to say is, if something didn't make sense or add up to you I'd wait till the next chapter to start really questioning things

**BEHIND THE SCENES**

[CANNON] In the Prologue: All the Reasons Why, Lily believes that all "loving someone too much" gets you is "orphans and bad love stories." One could argue that is the only true statement she makes in the prologue. Lily and James love each other "too much" and they leave an orphan and a love story.

By the end of Love and Other Tragedies Lily has kissed 8 different characters including; Sirius, James, Baker, Callum, Evie, Kat, Peter, and Remus. Some reviewers really really detested her kiss with Remus, but I wanted to show that the confusion of friend love and romantic love went both ways. That can be a really confusing difference with hormones and emotions clouding your brain (or at least it was for me). We only get to see Lily's perspective of the Marauders and the way she feels about them, and the Marauders kisses were a way to show that they were just as confused as she was. Plus by the time I'd decided she was going to kiss James, Sirius, Baker, Callum, and Remus I was like 'hell, why not?'

[CANNON] James and Lily's golden kitten, Snitch (my own creation), was almost Mrs. Norris' father. The only reason he escaped this fate was because Filch had been such a nonfactor throughout LAOT that I felt like it would screw with the pace.

Sirius not knowing Lily can swim goes all the way back to Chapter 4: _The Men of Diagon Alley_ when she is drunk at the Simmons' home. _"Seems a bit dense for a girl who can't swim to be tottering beside a pool while impaired." James teased her while Baker pulled her towards him. She started to correct him. She could swim, just not well. She had always told Sirius she couldn't so he wouldn't try and make her go skinny dipping._

The flashback of Kat telling Lily about Professor Crouch catching her and Remus snogging comes from Chapter 15: _Friendly Fire_. Also Lily, Callum, and Piper see Matis MacMillan in Hogsmeade in this chapter.

The flashback of Lily and James seeing Crouch reenter the castle in the middle of the night is from Chapter 8: _The Opposite of a Knicker Rule_.

"_Not with how his family is all mixed up with Death Eaters." _Marley states about Luka MacMillan in Chapter 11: _Dates and Mates_.

"_At Hogwarts he was really into Dark Arts and-." _Baker tells Lily about Matis MacMillan in Chapter 12: _The Most Wonderful._


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Previously:** Lily participated in a Divination Seminar with the purpose of telling the class their last thought. The ritual and potion had a strange effect on Lily leaving her with graphic nightmares of her friends' deaths, and very little explanation as to why. Lily and James discovered a secret passageway that leads from the Head Suite to the kitchens. Dumbledore has been away on business much of the year.

Lily always told Sirius she couldn't swim so he wouldn't make her skinny dip, but when he sees her in the Dark Lake releasing Harvey he assumes she's drowning and unnecessarily rescues her. They chat. Closure is had. However Lily might not have needed to be saved from drowning, but she is exhausted, malnourished, and emotionally drained. She passes out. After finding a list in Professor Crouch's classroom, Lily collected enough information to connect the DADA teacher and her Death Eater boyfriend, Matis MacMillan, with the murdered Muggleborns. Lily decides not to share with anyone about the list because it will cause irreversible damage to Remus for the part he played in Kat's death. Lily counts on Crouch's harboring a fugitive and also suspected part in the disappearance of Ravenclaw Grace Murray to prosecute her.

**THIS IS RATED M. That includes violence. Please be warned**

**Chapter Nineteen**

**A Power He Knows Not**

She was under water.

Lily's scrambled brain came to that conclusion against her swirling surroundings. She remembered taking Harvey into the lake… Had she gone with him to live with his new family? That sounded nice. She hoped the other turtles would like her.

_No._ Sense told her. She could breathe, and people couldn't breathe without oxygen.

It wasn't sight, or sound, or any other physical sense that told her she was floating beneath a liquid surface, but a general feeling of weightlessness that hugged her legs and pulsated through her arms. It wasn't that she couldn't see or that darkness clouded her vision. She was in place of no seeing, or feeling, or even being. She just…was.

"What was she even doing out there?" The male voice was muffled. It reminded her of someone trying to talk through a pillow. Their intention was anger, but the off putting sound hit her ears with dull and muffled ambiguity.

"I _thought_ she was drowning." Sirius responded behind the same layer that separated her from them. He was either angry or afraid. Often those two emotions were one in the same with him. "I didn't know she could swim…"

"Her sister taught her when they were little. Before she knew she was a witch." The return of James' voice made her more intrigued by the conversation. She pushed herself closer to surface where the voices passed through to her.

She hadn't recognized that it was James before because it hadn't seemed logical for him to be in the water with her. Sirius had been there though… because…because he'd pulled her out of the lake, away from sweet Harvey. She remembered now. This wasn't the bottom of the Dark Lake. It felt more like floating through the air anyways than sinking through water.

Feet of a chair screamed against the floor in an angry noise. She could not see it with her eyes, but the sound began to trace a picture in her mind of what was going on in the world around her.

A clear image was painted of the boys standing over her. She was lying in a slim bed like the cots in the Hospital Wing with her eyes closed and body unmoving. James towered over on one side. His hand unthinkingly pressing into her turned up palm. It was the same place he'd first placed his lips and called her pathetic.

She wasn't just imagining that though. In the same distantly numbed way that she could hear them, she could feel it too, soothing the spot that hadn't itched since the day she confessed her feelings to him.

Sirius glared at his friend from a step away. The chair he'd just shoved disappeared with unimportance, falling out the hazy bubble she'd summoned for them in her imagination.

"I get it, _Prongs_." The nickname sounded like a curse. "You know her better than me. You always have. I mean why should the girl I love be any different from everything else in my life, right? I should be used to it be now. I can't be better at Quidditch, or school, or even being a ruddy Gryffindor. After all, a real Gryffindor wouldn't have done that to Snape, right? Isn't that what you've always secretly thought? Fuck, even your family is better than mine… She was the one thing that made me better and it turns out I wasn't even doing that right."

She didn't know what he was talking about Snape or that he'd even ever had such envious feelings of James, but she knew both boys well enough to see the wrath building as they glowered from either side of her bed, even if was only in her mind's eye. The façade of the handsome Head Boy's face would be cracking slowly starting in the stiffness in his jaw line and climbing up into his eyes.

"So which is it? Are you angry with me because your supposedly jealous or because of Evans?" It was almost amusing how fury snapped him back into surnames. He could separate himself from the situation that way.

"No, you tell me which is it, James?" Sirius fired back doubling his volume and cutting the distance in half until both of their legs pressed into her mattress. "You strut around this bloody castle wrapped around her like a bleeding vine, turning your nose up _at me_! Like I've done something wrong! Like I'm supposed to be the one to fix it!"

"No-." James began surprised only to be cut off again.

"You don't even care enough to make things right! Is that it- you have her and you don't need us anymore?" It was a miracle the whole school wasn't flooding in to see what all the raucous was about. They were louder than a Quidditch match.

"Why would I try when I know there's no chance of you ever getting over this?" James demanded in return. "It's just easier this way…for all of us."

"You're a pompous arse." Sirius' voice was lowered but as bitter as vinegar. "It wasn't that long ago you told me that with real friends there was no such thing as unforgivable. So you're allowed to be noble, and forgiving, and all that shite, and I'm not? Bloody great friend, you are mate."

"But you still love her." James was resolute. His stubbornness was legendary. She'd been pushing and prodding at these walls for months.

"We all fucking love her!" Sirius shouted so loudly Lily's eardrums vibrated. "Remus, Peter, all of us. We're all a mess. You should know better than anybody that it's nearly impossible not to. She's gorgeous, fiery, smart, and she can love so hard it will nearly blind you. Plus, she's got the best set of tits I've ever seen."

James growled and the bed rattled as he lunged.

"Have you been away from us so long you've forgotten when I'm taking the mickey?" The devious seventh year laughed dodging the pointed violence. "What I'm trying to say is that we all love her like we love each other. We just never took the time to notice that she was one of us all along and now…now things are just a little backwards."

"And you've often had the urge to snog Remus and Peter?" Came James' snarky reply, but it seemed like they were coming off the mountain of danger to rest in some strange valley of understanding.

"But don't you see? That's really the whole problem!" Sirius declared. She could tell he'd put a lot of thought into his revelation from the excited buzz in his voice. "It's hard to understand the _way_ we love her when she's all beautiful, and sweet, and ridiculously sexy-."

"Sirius." James scolded again exasperated.

"I blame hormones." His reply was matter-of-fact. "But those should be passing right along soon and as-…unpleasant as it is seeing the two of you together, it makes things easier to understand… She told me that she didn't think anyone in the world could love someone else the way she loves you."

"She said that?" James looked down at her with reluctance in his voice she couldn't understand.

"You shagged the same day you got together and you're surprised that she loves you?" The bitterness was nothing more than an aftertaste.

James was quiet and Lily already knew that he would not correct the mistruth. They'd been sleeping together months before the kiss on the Quidditch pitch that he and the rest of the school had witnessed.

She waited as eagerly as Sirius for what James' reply would finally be. "I know she loves me. I couldn't doubt it if I wanted to. Mostly I'm surprised she said that to you… She doesn't like to hurt people."

Sirius made a strangled chuckling sound. "I think a general lack of honesty is what got us into this mess in the first place."

Like a swift breeze something began to push her away from them. She fought to stay, needing to hear that the damage they'd done together could be fixed.

"James, you need to know that I'm not going to pretend that everything is okay between us now. It's not just going to disappear overnight." There was strength in his voice that helped anchor her to their conversation. It made it easier to fight the current. The sudden turn of the conversation made her feel like she'd missed something in the few seconds she'd been away.

"I want to make it right." James told him. She had to give him credit. For as stubborn as he'd been to make an attempt with Sirius, he wasn't meek in his apologies now. There was honesty and loyalty in his words. There was a promise.

"It'll be easier for Remus and Peter. It won't be so hard for them to love her the way we love each other, but they've…they've never had her like I have. Make no mistake, I did love her and maybe if she'd have let me in then I could have been in love with her too… We would have never had what the two of you have, but in a world where you didn't exist then she would have been mine. We could have been happy."

Was he right? In a world where James didn't exist could she have been happy with Sirius? It was a hard concept to wrap her mind around, not because being with Sirius was an improbability but the thought of a world without James burned her like flame directly to her skin.

"We don't deserve her." The Head Boy answered thoughtfully. "None of us do. Not even me. Not because she's perfect. She's not. Sometimes I think she's even more disastrously flawed than the rest of us combined. And not because she's beautiful, even though she is. Certainly not for being lovely because she never was… We don't deserve her because she's so much more than we'll ever be. We don't deserve her because she loves us even though we don't deserve it."

They settled into a silent contemplation as Lily puzzled over their words. It felt like they were talking about someone else. They couldn't possibly be talking about her. They were the special ones. James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus were the ones that were more.

As the wind pushed her harder to move away into the blankness of beyond, she managed to hear the final sentence James' uttered.

"I've done so many things wrong, Padfoot. Right and wrong are supposed to be black and white. It's hard to accept that doing the right thing can be wrong too…. I do solemnly swear to never knowingly do the wrong thing to you again though, Padfoot."

Lily didn't get to hear Sirius' reply as she was swept away into the nothingness.

Was this death?

And as if she'd called out to her old friend with the thought, she was suddenly immersed in it.

She was dumped into a decrepit room that stank so potently of death she nearly gagged. It was some sort of shack. The walls caved in some places and arched ominously in others. It was the kind of place she'd expect to find rats and vermin crawling up her legs, but the room was strangely devoid of any movement at all, like the calm after the storm.

The floor behind her feet flew up, revealing a trap door and she watched a thin boy with hair as black and as unruly as James' rushed to a collapsed figure that she hadn't seen before.

The three teenagers that gathered around him spoke in murmured panicked whispers, but Lily did not pay them any mind.

She only had eyes for the man who had once been the little boy in a woman's blouse who told her she was special before she even believed it herself. He was a man now as he lay dying from the blood that gushed from distinct puncture wounds. The black haired youth was doing something with his hands, but she didn't watch his actions, instead coming to sit side by side with him as they both stared down at Severus Snape.

"Look…at…me…" Severus's ragged whisper barely ruffled the air.

Lily and the boy did as he asked, and as an errant tear fled his dirt stained cheek she no longer saw the hate. She saw hope, and loyalty, and love so strong it made her want to weep. She saw the boy she loved so long ago.

And then there was nothing. He was not the hate or the love. He was dead.

Unlike the others, Severus never became aware of her presence at the last moment before death took him. She had once theorized that her purpose there was to offer comfort, but whatever solace her old friend had needed he'd found in the eyes of the raven haired boy next to her.

Curious she turned to him and gasped as mirroring emerald irises met hers. They were her eyes- her father's eyes and she fell into them as if she spiraled into the depths of a Pensieve. The world disintegrated bringing forth a whole new reality.

She was still looking at the boys eyes, but the body she saw him through was no longer her own. This body felt heavy and rotting. She could even smell the stench that wafted up from the form she inhabited but didn't control.

The boy was staring into her eyes with a new emotion. The hatred made her want to turn away, but it was layered with some sort of disbelief and…completion.

And then she felt the metallic sting of metal around his neck, choking the life out of the man.

_Forgive me_. When she'd first heard Peter's last thought in the Divination Seminar she'd felt pity and confusion, but now she could not understand who he was sorry for. Was he sorry for the boy? Or was he sorry for himself? Was it his weakness that begged forgiveness or his strength?

He never got the chance to say the words out loud as he died and she was once again yanked away with the boy's eyes.

The new body she came into was more comfortable than the last. His eyes that she looked out of surveyed a room in tumult as his wand did battle with a crazy haired witch with evil striking her intentions.

"Come on, you can do better than that!" The voice was Sirius' that came from her lips.

As the sadistic woman's wand whipped through the air as smooth as a knife Sirius felt calm spill over him. Lily wanted to cry, shout, or jump out of the way of the spell that raced towards him, but this was not her body to control.

_I guess not. _His thoughts came with the same ironic humor that his life had portrayed so well.

She didn't understand his acceptance of death. He wore it like a badge of honor. What could be worth this?

Sirius fell backwards his body floating through a veil and Lily spotted the green eyes again across the strange unfamiliar room that had taken her friend's life.

She knew then.

It was him.

Through their eyes she saw him again and again- a boy worth dying for.

She saw Remus fall with vigorous courage in his eyes as a bloody battle raged around him.

_If I can just hold them off a little longer. _Lily knew he was protecting the boy too. Fighting on to save him even if it meant his own death.

She was dropped into a new scene. This one only contained one person.

His hair had been groomed into some sort of order, or at least the best attempt that could be made. His sturdier frame was draped in a sweater and slacks that made him look terribly adult. But under the changes that only a few short years could bring he was still him…He was still James.

He looked terrified, standing on shaking widespread legs as if to try to block the stairway from coming evil.

"_James." _She said uselessly. He couldn't hear her.

_They'll make it. I know it. _The doorway was splintered apart and there wasn't a thing in the world she could do to stop it.

So she didn't. She walked to take a stand by his side and placed her invisible hand over his. He might not ever know it, but she'd been with him until the very end.

"_Always."_ She whispered to him as the green strike of light hit his chest.

She gasped and lurched forward no longer in the strange world of the visions, but in a bed in the hospital wing.

Early morning light flooded through the uncovered windows, but the gentle tinkle of a rainstorm disoriented her momentarily. Looking toward the source of the noise, she found the little box that she'd given Sirius for Christmas. The small dark cloud was raining into nothing soothing the air with a sweet lullaby.

"Fascinating little object." The Headmaster told her. He was sitting in the same chair Sirius had manhandled earlier as he studied the little knick knack on the small bedside cabinet. "Mr. Black left it for you. He said it helps him sleep."

She tried to speak, but a choking sound came out instead. Quickly he materialized a glass of water and she drained it relentlessly until streams of water spilled down the sides of her mouth. Finishing the entire glass she wiped away the liquid on the sleeve of the sleeping gown she'd been dressed in. "Sirius doesn't need any helping sleeping. He's like a log."

"Ah." Dumbledore's smile was gentle, but his eyes sparkled brightly. "I suspect he meant it keeps away the bad dreams, but I have a suspicion your nightmares go much deeper than that."

He didn't need her to tell him he was right so she sat quietly waiting for him to explain his presence.

"I must apologize for my absence this year. I've been occupied with…other things. Things that I would like to discuss with you further after graduation." His cryptic explanation didn't frustrate her. There was something peaceful about being near the elderly wizard. It was a safe feeling. "It seems I've missed quite a bit while I was away… Professor McGonagall tells me that this isn't the first time the Head Girl has found herself in the Hospital Wing."

Lily couldn't help the blush that spread faintly across her cheeks. She didn't want anyone thinking she was fragile. "Nothing serious. I just had an odd reaction to the Divination Seminar Madame Celeste put on."

"Odd, indeed." The Headmaster agreed with a hum. "Do you mind recounting how Madame Celeste explained your unusual reaction to the ritual? I spoke with her afterwards myself, but I would enjoy hearing your interpretation of the events."

"She said it was something to do with being connected to love…or the people I love. And something about my future being intertwined."

Dumbledore nodded. His blue eyes glazed over as if lost in the deep workings of his intelligent brain. "After what Hagrid has informed me about your connection to the Singing Turtle I think there might be more to it than even that."

"Sir," She began tentatively. "Are you saying that my nightmares and Harvey are somehow connected?"

"I believe that both things are connected through you, Ms. Evans." The intensity of his gaze sucked her in. "I am assuming that Hagrid explained to you the disappearance of the Singing Turtles over the centuries. You see, they used to be quite common- a favorite pet for those who could afford them."

"What happened to them?" She couldn't help but think of her sweet Harvey. He was out there in the Dark Lake somewhere having grand adventures.

"It wasn't what happened to the _Singing Turtles_ that has led to their extinction in the eyes of the wizarding world. It's a common misconception though… However, I'd venture to guess that there are just as many Singing Turtles born now as there ever were… You see it wasn't the Singing Turtles that changed. It was the people."

He gave her a moment to contemplate it before continuing. "I have a similar theory on the Old Magics. They require an openness of heart that was lost through the generations as wars were fought and hatred took root in all sorts of new forms. The old way of magic began to fade because witches and wizards became less susceptible to love …. The Singing Turtles' magic is based in the same form of magic. It was how your Harvey was able to connect with you."

"So what does it all mean, Headmaster?" She knew a little about the magics of old. They were powerful but much harder to control than magic that could be channeled through a wand.

"It means you have a very powerful gift. There is a pureness to your love that allows you access to Old Magics unlike anything you've ever dreamed of." There was awe in his voice and the briefest flicker of envy that was gone before she would ever remember it existed. "It cannot bring you the type of riches or strength that most seek out, but do not doubt, it is the most powerful magic of all."

The information did not frighten her. She wondered if Dumbledore's calming effect was shielding her from the shock of his words. It didn't seem like something she could ever have much control other anyways.

His patience carved face waited for a trigger to sign that he could once again begin his tale. "Your capability for Old Magic is the reason Madame Celeste's ritual affected you so deeply. From what I understand of the proceedings, the Madame opens you up to the inner eye. Someone such as a Seer might have the same reaction you did because they have a closer connection with their inner eye… You, however, are so profoundly connected to the ones that you love that when you entered the trance in their presence it opened up their inner eyes to you as well. Physical contact and mere proximity to those around you at the time of the episode most likely exaggerated the experience."

His tinkling voice was an even more tempting lullaby than Sirius' raincloud. The breezy wind that pulled her to slumber tickled at the back of her mind, but she wrenched her eyelids open. There were still answers she needed…and why was she even in the Hospital Wing in the first place? No, that wasn't even in the top three questions she needed answers to at the moment.

She wasn't going to make it awake much longer so she started at the top. "Crouch?"

His kind expression turned pensive as his pause dragged her even closer to the nothingness that waited for her. Why was she still so tired?

"Ms. Alledora Crouch confessed to helping conceal the fugitive, Mr. Matis MacMillan. He's been stowed away above a little pub in Hogsmeade since the beginning of last term. She'll be spending a little time in Azkaban, but Mr. MacMillan will be there quite a bit longer. His brief actions as a Death Eaters could not be overlooked."

Half asleep she couldn't release the cry anguish she felt. What about Grace Murray? Where was the justice for Kat, Joshua, Camille, and Viola? Surely the Aurors had found the evidence they needed of Crouch's own involvement with the Death Eaters to prosecute her accordingly.

She was just so tired though, and when she opened her eyes again she was no longer in the same reality that she'd just left the Headmaster in.

This was the world of the visions. It felt different now though. There was a tingling of finality that danced in the air.

She was no longer a bystander or even the unwilling presence in someone else's body. This was her body.

This was her death.

There was no sound as she braced her back against a crib facing a man that said words that she could not hear. It was a face she recognized; a face she knew from her nightmares. With his slithering walk and hate deformed face he left a trail of death in his wake. He had murdered so many and taken so much from her, and yet the raging hate she expected to feel never came.

All she could feel was pity.

When he raised his wand she felt no fear. She felt strength burn through her heart, her mind ghosting over a million moments with James before they settled on a baby and her insides exploded as if she were a phoenix preparing to rise from the ashes.

_He will live. _

The last thoughts she'd ever have and the world went black.

Somehow she just knew that there would be no more visions. She had done what Baker asked and accepted what she could not change. They would leave her in peace now.

When she opened her eyes again she was not back in the Hospital Wing though. She was in a room so dark she was afraid to move for a cliff of wall might be in her path. After a moment her eyes adjusted and she could dimly make out the classic signs of bedroom. There was a vanity and cupboard as well as a bed, all shadowed by the dark curtains that fought the moon's light.

"You said you'd come." A small voice came from the mountains of quilts on the bed. The only feature Lily could make out of the person was a shiny waterfall of dark red hair that splayed across a pillow.

"You can see me?" Startled by the turn of events, Lily took a step back bumping into a desk she hadn't noticed before.

A strangled choking sound emitted from the bed and left Lily to wonder if the woman was very old or very sick. "You told me you'd be with me at the end. I just never thought it would come so soon."

"I don't understand." This was all wrong. The visions had never been like this before. Who was this person and how could she see what the others couldn't?

The woman sighed with a pleased edge. "It's nice to finally not be the only one out of the loop."

In her navel the pull began and Lily opened her mouth to explain that she had to leave, but the girl was already speaking.

"Don't fight it. It makes it harder." She told Lily.

"How did you know?" She didn't mean about the pain. The stranger was wrong about that anyways. It had never hurt before. Lily wanted to know how she knew she was being pulled out of the visions.

In the faintest light, Lily could make out a gesture the woman made to her ears as if that explained everything. The woman cleared her rusty voice. "You wanted me to tell you that the visions aren't going to come back. They're gone now."

"I told you that? I don't even know you?" This was getting weirder and weirder- too weird for her to attempt to stay. She'd be thankful for the escape at this point.

"You will." The woman assured her as the scene began to slip away. It had just about disappeared when she added like calling down a hallway. "And thanks… for everything."

This time when Lily opened her eyes she was safely tucked into her bed in the Hospital Wing, and she let out a thankful sigh.

She checked the reassuring raincloud Sirius had left her and it still dropped baby rain droplets down into nothing. The chair Dumbledore had occupied was empty and she felt slight mortification for passing out in the middle of their conversation.

Scanning the rest of the room- "Fuck!"

"I was not attempting to alarm you." Piper was standing on the other side of her bed, a few hesitant steps away. She'd been so quiet that Lily hadn't even known she was there until her eyes had fallen on the silent Hufflepuff. "It was one of Madame Pomfrey's rules for visitors. Number three- do not cause any stress."

"It's fine." Lily pressed her hand to her galloping heart afraid it might jump right out of her chest. "Why am I here anyways? I've been so out of it no one's bothered to tell me."

"When Black brought you in you were malnourished, suffering from sleep deprivation, and in the first stages of a mental breakdown." Piper informed clinically.

"A mental breakdown?" That didn't sound good. Wasn't that the type of thing that got you thrown in St. Mungos permanently?

"Did you know there is very little knowledge in the way that wizards handle Mental Healing? In the muggle world there is an entire science focused on the matters of the way and why we think." Piper looked more enthusiastic than Lily had ever seen her.

Unfortunately it did nothing to answer her questions. "Is my brain broken?"

"Not that they can tell." The Hufflepuff replied sensibly. "All you needed was rest and food. Really Lily, you should consider taking better care of yourself."

She groaned in response, biting back a sarcastic reply. "How long have I been here?"

"Two days." A new voice replied, one that she easily recognized. James strolled towards her bed handing Piper a spare muffin and giving her a disgruntled look. "Leave it to you to wake up in the five seconds I leave your side. I'm offended, Evans."

"Don't let his bravado fool you." Callum followed James, taking a place surrounding her bed with the others. "He's been a wreck. I've had to pick up all the slack since Hogwarts was missing a Head Girl _and _Head Boy."

She wished they'd sit down. All this lurking was making her uncomfortable. "I'm being a bad host. James, why don't you summon an extra chair so you can all sit and tell me what's been going on?"

"Rule number five- only one visitor is permitted at a time." Piper recited while James ignored her and did as Lily suggested. Piper didn't put up anymore argument taking a seat with the boys.

James met her eyes and she gave the slightest nod of acceptance. They needed to talk privately later. For the moment she was content to be in the presence of her friends who were still alive and not wispy shadows that she always forgot upon waking.

Calling upon her best grin, she looked around the three of them. "Okay, tell me the truth. How dreadful do I look?"

As they proceeded into a pointless banter on what she'd missed, she was thankful they understood her need for something lighthearted and easy. They might not know what she'd been through, but they filled her unspoken request perfectly without question.

Madame Pomfrey remained absent even as the sun dipped down to glare at them through the long windows.

"Oh." Lily was the first to spot her newest visitor who had stopped at the sight of her entourage. Dressed in her uniform, Marley tugged self consciously at her blonde ringlets taking in the group. "I didn't realize you were awake."

"What is going on here?" The stout demand came from the woman who had barged in after the Gryffindor. Their luck had run out. The matron had returned to guard over her unwilling patient. "Only one visitor is allowed at a time."

Callum and Piper were quick to begin to gather their things, but James looked to her questioningly with an unhurried gaze.

Lily looked back to Marley's short form which was tittering uncertainly by the door. It was easy to see the distraught buzz that hummed around her old dorm mate.

"You should get some rest." Her statement was directed at James. "Marley hasn't had her turn yet… And frankly, I'm a bit tired of you."

She turned to give Marley a reassuring smile as she teased him.

"Thank Merlin." James exaggerated a liberated smirk, picking up on her need to assure Marley that she wanted her there. "I thought you'd never free me of this dauntless obligation… Guess I'll just have to go spend the evening with some old mates."

"Really?" Lily couldn't stop the hopeful spark that lit her eyes.

He frowned slightly at her expectations, but it didn't fully diminish the happiness from his expression. "Nothing to exciting, I'm afraid. Sirius and Peter are just tired of taking care of Remus all by themselves when he gets sick. You're warden says your free to go tomorrow morning so you'll probably beat me to the Head Suite."

She did the calculations in her head, subtracting the two days she'd missed and found it to be the last night of the full moon. It was far from the Marauders' reunion she'd hoped for, but if they were including him at all again it was a good sign. "Don't forget to let Snitch out into the courtyard before you go. You know how sour he gets when he's shut up all night with neither of us there to acts as a scratching post."

James nodded, dropping a kiss to her forehead before making his exit with Callum and Piper. Satisfied that her rules were being followed Madame Pomfrey shut herself in her office after sending away the chair James had magically summoned with a disappointed curve of her mouth.

"I'm glad you're here." Lily told her one remaining guest.

Marley's movements were cautious and unsure, nothing like her normal sharp grace that echoed on and off the Quidditch Pitch. She took a seat, wrapping her hands together in her lap. When she looked up at the Head Girl there was sadness in her eyes. "We've got to stick together now. We're the only ones left."

The mention of the ones they'd lost whipped across her sensitive flesh like heat to a blister. She nodded in agreement, fighting the emotions that welled inside of her. One day it would be nice to have someone to remember Kat with- someone who had been through it all. At some point it felt like she'd lost Evie. Her absence created a barrier that would never fully allow her to understand the grief that she could share with Marley.

That day wasn't today though. It was too fresh to pick at.

Marley cleared her throat as if to warn Lily that she felt the same and it was time to change the subject. "I suppose they filled you in on the new Defense professor."

"Actually," Lily was happy that she'd brought it up. "I hadn't even asked. I kind of figured Dumbledore would just fill in until the end of the term. There's barely any time left at all."

"Oh no, they've called in that cute White Cloak that did the Polyjuice demonstration with us- Professor Hensley." She giggled as she explained. Apparently Baker's old partner had a fan in Marlene.

"He should be loads better than Crouch." Lily nearly choked over the woman's name. She still couldn't believe that the Aurors had not been able to identify her Death Eater connections besides Matis.

Marley's look of caution returned, but this time the Head Girl could guess why. "There are rumors that you had something to do with the Aurors discovering that Professor Crouch had been hiding Luka's brother."

Lily shrugged. She was unwilling to deny it, but she had no desire to delve deeper into the issue. There was something she could offer Marley though. "It's funny… It was actually _you _who first put the idea in my head."

"Me?" Her squeak was incredulous, but excited by the prospect of her involvement in the take down of a Death Eater.

"You were the one to tell me that Luka's family was involved with Death Eaters." Lily explained.

A look of pure bewilderment passed over Marley's classically pureblood features. After a moment she recovered. "Well I'm happy to have contributed, but when I said that the MacMillan's were mixed up with Death Eaters I was referring to the fact that they were being targeted by the Dark Lord."

"What?" Taken aback, Lily was shocked she managed to blurt the word out. "Matis MacMillan is a Death Eater. Why would they be after one of their own?"

"Because he wasn't one of them anymore. No one really knows what happened, but one day the MacMillan's were in good standing within the Death Eater ranks and the next Matis had disappeared… Not exactly a place you want to be; wanted by the Ministry and the Death Eaters. There were rumors of an assignment that he refused to follow." The blonde explained slowly. "I'm surprised you didn't know. It wasn't in the newspapers or anything, of course, but lots of people were talking about it."

"I must have missed my invitation to the Pureblood gossip session." Lily snapped. Her mind whirled violently through this turn of information. What did it all mean?

Marley's face was stricken. "I-I-I didn't mean anything by it, Lovely."

"No, I'm sorry, Marley. I didn't mean to be rude. I'm just tired." As distracted as she was she still felt the need to coax the smaller girl's hurt feelings.

Marley was delighted to accept the excuse and make an eager departure. She promised to sit with Lily at lunch the next day.

Lily suddenly remembered the MacMillan insignia she'd seen boasted proudly on Matis' robe and how familiar it had felt. He had to be a Death Eater! He had to be! Maybe he and Crouch had conspired to make the list of pureblood students in relationships with muggleborns as a way of getting back in the good graces of his precious Dark Lord.

But the relentlessly nagging question was still there. It had never fully gone away to begin with.

Why had she been spared?

Suddenly the things she'd been so sure about turned against her full of doubt. If Crouch was really trying to earn her lover's way back into You-Know-Who's hands then why litter her journey with hints and half concealed threats? Hell, she could have marched down to the front grates herself to let the Death Eaters in when they marched on Hogsmeade.

When Madame Pomfrey left later that night, Lily faked sleep. Her body was still, but her mind rioted silently. Half the night she tried to ignore some unseen need. It was Harvey. Her soul searched for his healing touch.

She didn't even fully process her actions as she left the safety of the Hospital Wing and ventured swiftly back to the Head Suite as quiet and unnoticed as a ghost. Harvey wouldn't be there, but maybe the familiarity of her room would help her sort through her thoughts.

Madame Pomfrey had planned on releasing her just a few hours later anyways. She needed to be there when James returned from his adventures with the Marauders. She had to tell him what she knew- the mistake she'd made.

She made it halfway across the common room of the Head Suite thinking of how it had only been two days since she'd relayed her plot to get Crouch caught with Matis MacMillan to Callum. He'd been exactly what she needed that night.

She couldn't have done it without him.

The thought struck her as odd and she paused. How exactly had he gotten Matis MacMillan to rush to Hogwarts with little regard for his personal safety after successfully hiding from Death Eaters and Aurors for months?

The steps leading up into the Head Suite creaked under the weight of a human being and she whirled around grasping for the wand she'd left lying innocently on her bedside cabinet in the Hospital Wing.

"Well this is a little earlier than I expected." Callum said thoughtfully as if talking to himself and she just happened to be there to hear it. His slight accent coated each word.

Every fiber of her being screamed at her the danger she couldn't understand. She needed to collect herself so she stalled. "How did you get in here?"

His crystal blue eyes assessed her plain white gown and wandless hands. "Don't you remember? I suppose you wouldn't. That was an exciting night for you after all. Before the Christmas Ball you were kind enough to offer me an invitation into the Head Suite anytime I _needed _you, and I'm sorry to say that such occasion has finally arisen."

"How did you convince Matis to come? I don't think you ever told me what your plan entailed." Her voice was oddly calm, a lot calmer than she felt. She just needed to keep him talking. She had a feeling she wasn't going to like what happened when he stopped.

His mask was a thousand times more dangerous than James'. There were no cracks. Callum's face was as smooth as the one he'd used to fool her all year. "I let Luka overhear me say that I was going to poison Crouch so she'd quit getting in my way."

As soon as the words settled between them she had no doubt that Callum wasn't planning on letting her leave the room alive.

"I really should be thanking you." His façade was unbreakable, but his hand trembled in its grip on his wand. "Crouch and I had reached a standstill. We couldn't implicate the other without implicating ourselves, but you cleared up that little problem for me."

Lily nodded as if this was sensible and they weren't discussing a Death Eater plot. A memory flashed hot in her mind and suddenly she could remember exactly why the MacMillan family crest had been so familiar. It had been on the letter Callum had been reading the first time she sat by him in History of Magic. A gasp lodged in her throat never making it into reality. "I accused you of having a secret lover back home and that day in Hogsmeade you recognized him so quickly. Matis recruited you to become a Death Eater, didn't he? I'd gone to school with him too, but I couldn't recall what he looked like even faintly… You looked liked you'd seen a ghost."

"I thought I had! He was supposed to be dead after all. You don't go against the Dark Lord's wishes and live to tell about it." He admitted with a humorless choke that mimicked laughter. "Do you want to know what my supposed racy love letter was informing me that day your loneliness drove you to befriend a random Ravenclaw you had barely ever spoken to? The Death Eaters wanted to make an example of a student at Hogwarts- a mudblood girl who fancied herself good enough to be named Head Girl over Purebloods. A Gryffindor who cavorted with Sirius Black and had drawn the hate of a little Death Eater in training Regulus Black-."

"You say that like you're not one of them." She cut him off unable to bite her tongue.

"I'm not!" He didn't bother with the mask, letting a shiver of revulsion roll freely down his attractive face. "I never wanted this. Matis had been Head Boy for Merlin's sake! He recruited me and I trusted him. I'd heard things, of course, but it couldn't have been that bad if Matis was involved. I looked up to him… Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to judge since saving your life is what got him tossed in Azkaban."

She felt the breath leave her body as the first strings of sense began to attach to facts she already knew. "What?"

"The letter you saw me reading that day in class told me all about what the Death Eaters had planned for me…But Matis told me that sometimes there were ways around killing innocent people. He admitted to me that he had no taste for it. His fascination had always been with the Dark Arts, not killing or torture." Callum paused staring her meaningfully in the eye. "He told me to offer a reprieve instead… I should offer to make a list of all the Purebloods in relationships with Mudbloods…just to teach them a lesson, of course. No one would have to die."

"No." Raw emotion spiked her words vehemently.

"And then you sat down next to me and it felt like a sign. Besides I couldn't kill anyone, especially not sweet, lovely Lily Evans." He continued like she hadn't spoken. "When we went on that disastrous date in Hogsmeade I had to stop to send post because Hogwarts Owls are monitored. I sent Matis a letter telling him that I'd make the list and I never heard from him again. Rumors were rampant. Had he been a traitor? Was he dead? Had he run? And all I could feel was relief. If Matis was dead so was my connection to the Death Eaters. I thought I was free."

"I saw Crouch that night. I saw her sneaking back into the castle." Lily confessed quietly feeling guilt pool in her gut. The dots were connecting in her head. "Matis refused to have you kill me and when they turned on him he fled back to his old Hogwarts love Alledora Crouch. I even saw her talking to Luka in the corridor about it afterward, though I had no idea what they were discussing at the time."

"From what I heard later they tortured him to the point of death. He was lucky to get away." Callum said with no pity or remorse. Maybe he'd silenced his humanity. Maybe he had to in order to achieve where this confession would end.

His detachment bled into her. It begged her to cut off the feelings of remorse she couldn't understand. How could she feel sorry for a Death Eater? Was refusing to do evil enough to earn sympathy? "That's why Professor Crouch hated me. Matis nearly died because of me. He had to go into hiding because of me… And I never bothered to show the slightest appreciation for the gift I hadn't known I'd been given."

"Yes, yes, yes, the world revolves around you, Lovely!" For the first time he approached her, striding forward with spit ratcheting from his mouth around the snarled words. "My sister is dead because of YOU! I'm going to be a murderer BECAUSE OF YOU!"

Warnings screamed in her mind as she fought the instinct of fight or flight. She didn't want to set him off and she feared trying to flee would spell her end. After all, he had a wand on his side and even on level playing field she still wasn't a match for him physically.

"Well I suppose that isn't true. I've had blood on my hands since Easter." His rough hands grasped her face, holding her chin up so she was forced to stare into his eyes.

"You don't have to do this, Callum. It doesn't have to be this way." Swallowing down bile she tried to reason with him.

"Funny." He squeezed her jaw so tightly she feared it would snap. "That's what I thought too. When I got the letter from a new Death Eater contact the week after the attack on Hogsmeade telling me to finish my assignment or there would be repercussions I thought they meant making the list. And then after a run in with another student I know is in line to be a Death Eater I was positive that Matis had been able to change my mission before whatever happened to him took place."

The situation was spiraling quickly and she could see her opportunity for escape dwindling so she did the one thing she could think of. She kneed him as hard as she could in the groin and then took off running for the door. There was a moment of empowered euphoria when a spell didn't hit her in the back as she feared it would before something heavy clamored into her and she hit the ground with the weight of a full grown man on top of her.

"You haven't even heard the worst part yet." He snarled pushing her face into floor and twisting her arm behind her back to keep her in place. "I tried to think of a way out of writing that list for months. Matis had said that it would just be to scare the students a little- just enough to make them think twice about dirtying their blood, but I also thought Matis was dead at their hands… I was so worried that I took too long and they came for my sisters at Christmas. Again the message was the same- finish…the…mission."

As if to enunciate his words he jerked her shoulder so violently that is dislodged from its socket. Blackness blotted her vision as she howled in pain, thrashing underneath him.

"Are you ready for the worst part yet?" He snarled against her ear yanking her neck up at an odd angle. "I finished the damn mission. It was the same day we saw Matis in Hogsmeade. I thought he was there to offer some more _repercussions _that the Death Eaters are so fond of and I panicked… I'd written that list a hundred times. I didn't want to put your name on it. We were friends, but I was petrified what would happen to my sisters if they found out I'd left you off it on purpose."

"You should have done it." She bit out angrily. "I would have rather had my name on that list than Kat."

He slammed her head against the floor in retaliation. "Don't you remember, Lovely? You told me that it was never going to happen. You told me that James and Sirius were more than friends. They were brothers."

"So that's it?" She bucked backwards, ramming the back of her head into his face and managing to dislodge him despite the pain in her head and shoulder. "The worst part is that I decided to announce my relationship with James in front of the entire school and get you in trouble with your Death Eater mates?"

He grabbed his nose that streamed crimson rivets down his face and kicked her as hard as he could in the stomach. As she rolled away in blinding pain he yelled the horrible truth down at her. "The list was never the mission! It had always been to kill you. Matis never even got around to telling them about my little attempt at a reprieve before they started in on him… The night we went to that party in Hufflepuff I remember feeling so happy, so relieved. It was over. I'd finished my fucking mission and I was so sure that my sisters would be returned…"

"You got called away." She remembered out loud before coughing bloody mucus onto the floor beside her head.

"There was an urgent letter waiting for me in my dorm." Callum's voice cracked as he turned away from her. His hands clenched the back of the couch. "It was from my dad. My oldest sister was dead. There was note with the body they returned. It said that she'd died painlessly for the contributions I'd made, but unless I completed what I'd been tasked with the others deaths would not be so quick."

"No…reason." She wheezed as a sharp pain protruded against her lungs with ever shallow breath. There had been no reason for Kat to die. It was supposed to be her all along. And she was going to die anyways now. It was all for nothing. "Why not kill me with magic? It'd be…easier."

Callum dragged her roughly to her feet, but her body wasn't cooperating and her ankle rolled with a crack. His grip on the neck of her gown remained secure. "I'm not going down for this, Lovely. Magic is traceable. The way I figure it, this is my last chance to save my sisters. I'd planned on waiting until you got back tomorrow morning and staging an accident… You're weak. Anyone who's seen you in the last few weeks would believe that you collapsed and fell down a flight of stairs. James won't be back from his little slumber party for hours. I might actually be able to pull something believable together."

"Your sisters would be ashamed of you." She spit in his face as she made one last ditch effort to lunge away from him. "You're a coward!"

She never even broke free of his hold as he used the leverage of her nightgown to sling her backwards into the bookshelf that lined the wall.

"I'm being _smart_." He corrected, straightening his Ravenclaw robes. "Anyone not completely dim will end up doing the same. At the end of this I want to be on the winning side and the way I look at it that looks like the Death Eaters right about now. Survival of the fittest."

"You're wrong." She braced herself on the bookshelf. "You must not be as smart as you think because at the end of this we're going to win."

He didn't bother to hide his snort of disbelief. "Oh and you're going to destroy Voldemort?"

"Maybe not." She smiled at him then, even though she was sure her mouth was bloody. She couldn't help it though. "But I plan on doing everything in my power to get in his way."

He realized that something had changed in her a moment too late and just as he reached out to yank her away from the bookshelf she'd grabbed the muggle cookbook along with several other volumes and went spinning past his fingertips.

She couldn't remember if she'd ever shared with him the secret passageway that led from her dorm to the kitchens, but she didn't stick around to find out. Her limping jog was further hindered by the dizzying sway of her vision, but she kept her mind focused. She had to get to Headmaster Dumbledore.

It had been Callum Palmer all along. He had been her friend, crush, confidante, and Death Eater. Callum had let her cry on his shoulder. He'd flirted with her, kissed her, shared secrets.

He had spared her and come back for her.

It had been right in front of her face. It had been him all along.

**0000000**

**Author's Note:** The end is near my friends… Just one more chapter (unless I split into two which is always a possibility) then an epilogue and LAOT is FINISHED.

If you didn't catch onto the last vision I should specify that it is something to do with the follow up story **Memoirs of a Bad Girl** which I hope everyone decides to check out.

I sincerely hope that you weren't disappointed with the conclusion of the sinister arc. I hope you were surprised, but still allowed to your 'ah hah!' moment when it all made sense.

**BEHIND THE SCENES**

[HINT] There is only one person throughout LAOT that absolutely one hundred percent would have known the connections to make between each Muggleborn and Pureblood. As Lily proved, Crouch COULD have known about each, but in the end Lily's desire for her to be the 'bad guy' overshadows the truth…. PRIMROSE and JOSHUA- Lily meets the young couple while she is actually with Callum on their date to Hogsmeade in the carriage. CAMILLE and ASHBY- Callum is a prefect and finds out about the supposed relationship at the exact same time Lily does in the meeting. Lily and Callum actually have a conversation afterwards so there is no doubt that he was present. PORTER and VIOLA- there is only one time we meet Viola in the story and that is when she interrupts Callum and Lily's conversation outside the DADA classroom. Later Lily finds out from Porter that his relationship with Viola had been very secretive and that not even his dorm mates knew about it. However when Lily makes a comment about a romantic entanglement between Viola and Callum, he replies _"Viola Singh? She's my potions' partner and I very much doubt her boyfriend would like it otherwise."_ So Callum admits to directly knowing about their relationship. KAT and REMUS- Lily tells Callum about their blooming relationship when she is nervous and trying to make small talk before the Christmas Ball.

[CANNON] Callum sarcastically remarks that Lily thinks she will be the one to destroy Voldemort. Lily replies _"Maybe not. But I plan on doing everything in my power to get in his way."_ While Lily isn't the one to actually kill Voldemort, she most certainly does get in his way. This could be taking literally and metaphorically since she physically stands in Voldemort's way when he tries to get to Harry in his crib and in doing so gives the Wizarding World 13 years of peace.

[VILLAIN] Callum Palmer has always been the villain of the story. From the very first time Lily meets him and he is reading a letter with a strange insignia on it, and I needed him to stay relevant even when he was dismissed completely as a love interest for Lily. My first idea was to pair him off with Piper, but that seemed like the easy way out and I don't necessarily believe in keeping all characters tied with love interests. In the end I concocted the plan of Callum becoming a confidant for Lily when no one else knows about her affair with James. What was so ironic about it is that after posting the few chapters where Piper and Callum interact is that some reviewers were actually encouraging them as a couple. I have to admit that once I'd written them interacting that even I kind of found them charming (I have a secret weakness for unconventional couples).

[HINT] Lily makes note on several different occasions that the Ravenclaws have DADA right before the Gryffindors which is when Lily eventually finds the list.

[CANNONS] I really REALLY liked the idea of showing Harry's personality traits in James and Lily. Harry always had the quickest instincts, but it wasn't exactly well toned. I wanted to see that in Lily. She's quick to catch onto to Crouch's secret, but lets her dislike cloud her mind later in the story as we often saw Harry do. I was really happy to see reviewers pick up on this.

[VILLAINS] Crouch was my very obvious red herring. She was up to _something_and Lily was on to her almost instantly. I ended up writing it in a very 'in-your-face-way' and even though I'd intended it that way I found it unsatisfying. Obviously she wasn't my 'real' bad guy, but at least she was still horrible enough to be hated. And even though I'd never had any intention of filling this void for a less palpable decoy Piper Prescott began to take on this role. Piper wasn't even supposed to make it into the second half of the story, but I began to realize that by Callum throwing suspicion on her then it made him appear like an ally and made her look guiltier and guiltier. Plus Lily had difficulty reading her from the beginning so it wasn't that far of a stretch.

Unlike with Peter, Remus, Sirius, and James when Lily goes through Snape's death she doesn't hear his last thoughts, only his last words. She never actually heard his last thoughts during the Divination Seminar.

[ORIGINAL CHARACTER] Piper Prescott is loosely based off a girl I knew in high school. The one major characteristic they share is the specific ability to say really insulting things in a polite way. However, I ended up liking Piper a lot more than her counterpart. Piper's behavior comes from a place of honesty. The girl I knew in high school was just a bitch.

[HINT] Clues to Lily and Harvey's deeper connection can be found as early as Chapter 4: The Men of Diagon Alley when Lily is sad and worn down and Harvey is sick as well.

[VILLAIN] Lily became my biggest ally when covering up Callum's continuously shady motives. She sees all the clues- the letter he's reading when she first sits with him that he shoves nervously into his bag, his uncomfortable behavior when she mentions the letter on their date, his excuse that they all have 'stuff,' the fact that he recognized Matis MacMillan (a known Death Eater), the distance he tries to put between them, his unease when Lily questions why he didn't go home for Easter and mentions his sisters, and his deteriorating appearance after Christmas. She is always the first one to make an excuse for him- a possible secret lover that he doesn't want her to see, offense that she couldn't believe he would be 'racy' enough to have an affair, believing that he'd remember Matis from Hogwarts even though she was also there and has no recollection of the older student, thinking he didn't want to be friends anymore because she'd told him the lust driven kiss didn't mean anything, excusing his uncomfortable behavior at the mention of his sisters as embarrassment of a particular family story, and constantly comparing his weight loss and other outward signs of stress to the rest of the students dealing with the war.


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Previously:** Callum was the bad guy all along. He was tasked with murdering her at the beginning of the year and had finally come to Lily with the intention of fulfilling his long procrastinated mission. He planned to make it look like an accident and really beat her up so it looked like she'd fallen down the stairs. Evie left Hogwarts at Christmas to become Evie Lovegood and never returned. Before the Christmas Ball Snape caught Lily topless in a broom cupboard, and when he cursed Callum a week later, she assumed it was jealousy of thinking it had been Callum he caught her with, not James.

Bill Hensley gave Lily Baker's(Harland Simmons) Ring of Honor after his funeral. He had been Baker's White Cloak partner, and he also came to Hogwarts to do a special lecture on Polyjuice Potion in DADA. After Professor Crouch was arrested by Aurors for hiding the fugitive (and her lover), Matis MacMillan, Hensley took over DADA for the remaining term. For Christmas, Baker acquired a bracelet that would fill Lily with a happy/cry sensation whenever he thought of her while he was wearing it.

**Chapter Twenty**

**Lovely**

**NOW**

It felt very strange that seventh year was over. 365 days had passed since Lily had last claimed her spot on the floor in the center of the Great Hall as a confused sixth year. It felt like a lifetime ago…

And yet-

It felt like yesterday. How could it feel like both at the same time?

The pristinely blue sky saluted her accomplishments spanning hard earned years, but she wouldn't have paid it any mind even if the word 'pathetic' had been spelled out in fluffy white clouds above her. There was too much to reflect on. She hoped that the magic she'd sought out year after year that cleared her thoughts and invigorated her spirit would not wear off now- not when she needed it the most.

Stretching her arms above head, she enjoyed the gentle pull from the extension of her shoulder. As beaten up as she'd been, she was all better now. Just in time to leave Hogwarts forever.

**THEN**

A violent rattle filled the Headmaster's Office, and Lily nervously scanned the room for the source of the disturbance.

She was alone now. Headmaster Dumbledore had made a brisk exit after her rushed, disjointed explanation of Callum Palmer's true loyalties.

_Click. Click. Click. Click. _The sound was a quick, sharp call against the silence.

Could he have found her here? She didn't believe that the Headmaster would leave her anywhere unsafe, but a lot of things had happened in the last hour that she didn't think were possible.

Callum had written the list:

Viola, Joshua, Camille, Kat

_Click. Click. Click. _Lily looked down surprised to find that it was her own hand making the noise as it trembled, bumping with spastic precision into the arm of the chair. Her other arm- the one that had been pulled from its socket- was cradled against her body like a silent infant.

The door flew open with a bang as it bounced off the wall and rebounded back at the figure who had just rushed in.

Lily tried to scream- she really did. Her mouth opened in a horrified 'O,' but no sound managed to escape. She'd passed fear ages ago.

"Lily?" It was James. He closed the door behind him searching her face. "What's going on? Dumbledore saw us coming back to the castle and sent me up here straightaway. He said not to leave until he came back. What's going on? I heard one of the other professors saying that it looked like a student had fled to the Forbidden Forest."

"It was Callum." It was all she could say. It was the only thing she could think too. Her voice was lifelessly dull. "It was me. It was always supposed to be me."

The next thing she knew she was wrapped in his arms and ugly hiccupping sobs hit her chest like tidal waves on a shoreline. She looked a fright. She knew she must, but he didn't ask. He just held her letting her shed her tears like a snakeskin. He'd pulled her into his lap, sharing the same chair she'd previously occupied alone.

When her cries quieted he nudged her forehead with his chin, encouraging her to look at him. He started to speak, but she wasn't ready yet. She pressed her lips to his in firm line. As if he could sense that's what she needed, he remained perfectly still in the unmoving kiss.

Their lips were mashed together, but they remained still with mouths closed. She fought the world off clenching her eyes shut. Maybe if they remained exactly like that forever nothing bad would ever touch them again.

"Lily." His lips spoke against hers.

A short inexplicable nod was the only reply she gave. She remained paralyzed, unrelenting from the odd kiss that grazed their lips together.

"Lily." He pleaded with her.

He wanted something she could not give him.

He didn't just want an explanation. He was asking for truth. More than the truth of what had taken place to leave her in such a state, and more than the truth of what had plagued her since Kat's death. He wanted her essential truth. He wanted to know her- all of her.

He would devour her.

Tight balls of liquid escaped the prisons of her eyelids and she choked back the defeat with a broken howl.

How could he still want this? Didn't he know what happened to people who got too close to her? They left whether by choice, death, or betrayal… They always left.

She twisted the chain that held Baker's Ring of Honor tightly around her finger, enjoying the sting of pain.

They always left.

**NOW**

Lying under the charmed ceiling, she still held onto the Ring of Honor like a lifeline.

Bill Hensley, Baker's Auror partner and now the interim DADA Professor, had told her that the White Cloaks believed an Auror couldn't truly rest in peace until their Ring of Honor had been given a resting place as well. Baker had been dead for six months, and still the ring hung around her neck.

It was a crutch- a physical reminder that she could touch to remind her of how far she'd come. Somehow it made it more real. There were times when Baker seemed like nothing more than fantastical figment of her imagination that she'd dreamed up. When she touched the ring it was like he was with her, always urging her forward with his little pushes.

Would he be proud of the woman she was today?

He taught her that she could be loved for the person she truly was- faults and all. He had showed her how to be brave. He'd forced her to accept just as much love as she was happy to give away. He'd taken the pathetic girl who stumbled into his life and turned her into someone who loved herself.

She'd already lost a piece of her heart. It rested with Baker in a grave she'd never see again.

And still James asked for more.

"Is it working?" The deep voice rumpled the otherwise stoic environment.

She turned her face to gaze at him, her cheek resting naked on the cold stone of the floor. A grin tilted her lips as she took in his serious and careful expression. His position mirrored hers, lying side by side so their eyes were even.

"It isn't something obvious like that." She told James with a patient smile while she ignored her somersaulting stomach. How could he still do that to her? It wasn't fair. "I didn't mean to make you think it was something so serious. I just wanted you to understand that this is something important to me…and I wanted you to come with me this time."

He sighed with content nostalgia glancing away from her and up to the illusions of the heavens.

"The very last time."

_The very last time_

It didn't seem real yet. The night before they'd had their very last End-of-Term Feast. Weeks ago they'd attended their very last classes. There had even been a very last Slug Club party for them to try and avoid. And later that very day they would be leaving Hogwarts for the very last time.

"I've already said far too many goodbyes. I can't think of it like it's the last. To me it's the chance to have a whole new batch of firsts." Her candid statement was a testament to the openness that had followed Callum's betrayal.

She'd told him everything, not just the things she'd been keeping from him for Remus' sake, but also the horrors that waited to ridicule her own conscious. She'd been the one to unwittingly point Callum in Kat's direction. She'd learned a lot from Remus though. Taking on the blame for things beyond your control was a fruitless mission, one that only achieved more heartache. Kat wouldn't have wanted that for either one of them.

"You'll get a lot of firsts right off the train; first time meeting your rakishly handsome lover's parents, first long term stay at casa Potter, first chance to start your life away from Lovely Lily." The smile tugging at his smug lips told her just how much all those things pleased him.

"_Temporary _stay, Potter." She corrected him sullenly. "It's just till I figure out…"

There were too many things she had to figure out to list. Her frown was superficial though. Deep down she was comforted by a content hum that promised everything was going to be okay.

"Do you regret it?" He checked her expression carefully, searching for signs of second thoughts.

She didn't need to ask to know exactly what he was talking about.

"No."

**THEN**

Lily strode confidently away from the interview she'd just completed. Yesterday she'd finished her education with the all consuming NEWTs, and now she'd endured her first real job interview. It all felt very adult.

The June sun beamed down hot on the fabric of her nicest robes, and she didn't look back at the magical tent that had been erected for the interview. It was done. There was nothing she could do to change her answers, even if she had regretted them.

"Evans, hey!" Someone called at her back. "Blimey, you're fast."

She turned back to Professor Hensley, surprised to see him so soon after facing him in the panel of Aurors assigned to select possible trainees. He'd been a big help explaining the circumstances of Callum's attack and how she'd escaped. His colleagues had seemed impressed she'd managed to evade harm without a wand.

She thought it would have been more impressive if Callum had actually been apprehended afterwards, but no one seemed overly concerned by the fact that a seventeen year without a completed education was still on the run. If Callum was as smart as he thought he was he'd be long gone, far away from the troubles of Europe where he was hunted by both sides of the war.

"I wasn't expecting to see you again so soon." She offered a half smile to the man that had finished her DADA education over the final month before NEWTs. He was a good teacher, and it was easy to see him and Baker being friends when they were White Cloaks together.

"Well, we're a pretty decisive bunch. When we know, we know." He caught up to her with a firm grin, and didn't seem winded in the least by chasing her.

"But my NEWT results won't be back for another a week."

"And that's why we can't officially offer you a spot into the exclusive Auror training program." His grin broke over his teeth into a real smile. "However, unofficially we can't wait to have you. Despite real hardships your marks remain top notch, and you've got that grit that we look for in potential trainees. After all the other interviews we've conducted today, you can safely assume you'll be the only Hogwarts graduate receiving an invitation."

Lily's mind flashed to Kat's face, and without a doubt she knew she would do whatever she could to stop Voldemort and his Death Eaters. As an Auror she could really contribute to the war. Her work would mean something. She would make a real difference.

"No." Her voice shook at the enormity of her decision. It was hard to choke out. Getting a chance to be an Auror was one of the highest honors given in the wizarding world.

She would have been good at it just as Baker had been, and she would have been just as miserable. Being an Auror was about sacrifice. It was about repressing your true self to fit into the mold of a soldier, someone to act without question and follow without looking. Baker had just about been destroyed by it, and it was her final gift to him that she didn't do the same.

"I'm sorry, what?" Hensley looked startled, completely perplexed by my denial. She couldn't imagine the last time the offer had been refused.

"I mean, I'm honored…but no thank you." She walked away from the Auror feeling lightheaded from the heaviness of her choice. The war was fought on many fronts. Just because she wasn't going to be the public's interpretation of the first line of defense didn't mean that she was going to sit idly by while monsters terrorized innocent people. There would be another way for her to help, and it would be the right way for her.

Her head was held high, and she had every intention of leaving him standing there when suddenly the errant strings of a long forgotten question pulled at her subconscious.

Spinning around, she made no move back towards him, instead speaking across the distance that stood between them.

"Did Baker ev- I'm sorry, I mean, did Harland ever tell you how he got that scar on his face?"

Hensley shook his head, not in denial, but as if trying to clear his mind from strangeness of their entire conversation.

"I believe it was from a nasty spill he took off his parents' roof as a child. Not surprising really, considering how much he loved heights. He was always trying to get me up on a broomstick, but I can't stand the things." He smiled at the memory, remembering the friend he'd lost just like Lily had.

She nodded once, leaving him standing there again without a word. She knew what it was like when there wasn't a thing in the world someone could say to make it better.

**NOW**

"What's that?" James asked of the unnoticed parchment sticking out of the pocket of her robe. It was folded and still sealed from its long journey by Owl to reach her.

"I finally heard from Evie. It came last night, but with strict instructions to wait for today to read it." She broke the seal without hesitation, giving it a quick glance before looking back up at him. "Would you like to hear?"

"Have you heard some of the things that come out of that girl's mouth?" He asked jovially. "She's more entertaining than a game of Exploding Snap. We used to take bets on who would crack first at one of her comments."

Lily rolled her eyes, but began reading aloud anyways.

"_Dear, Lovely. _

_The hunt for the ever evasive Crooked Finger Monkey continues-"_

"It does not say that!" James cut in roaring with laughter.

She hushed him before continuing.

"_It's a thankless mission, but one that could save many lives if the Crooked Finger Monkey will agree to take us back to its hive… The distance has been good for me. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like our Kitty Kat is gone at all. I'm always thinking of things I want to tell her later, and it's sad to remember that I can't. _

"_I hope you don't hate me for not coming back. I'm being a bad friend all over again, even though I'll know you'll never tell me so…I'm so happy with Xeno. The places we visit are never bogged down by the sadness that floods home. _

"_I wish I could be with you today. It doesn't seem fair that you have to go through it alone. I suppose you've grown so used to unfairness that you don't even realize it anymore. You've lost so much, but yet somehow you remain so strong. You deserve all the fairness in the world. _

_I love you, Lily. Congratulations, and I will cherish our kiss forever._"

Her blush at the last sentence didn't go unnoticed by James, who lifted a curious eyebrow in her direction.

"It's almost time for breakfast. We should go." Ignoring his stare she began gathering her robe, placing the refolded letter back in her pocket.

Once they were both standing, he placed a hand on her arm, slowing her process. His handsome features bowed in concern.

"Are you okay? I know you were hoping she'd come back for today."

Her false cheerfulness deflated from her chest, and she relaxed in the comfort that she didn't have to fake with James. She could be exactly who she was and he'd only ever love her more for it.

"I'm a bit sad, but at the same time I guess I'm a little…relieved as well." Her hair was gaining its previous bounce again, and the muggle dye had faded almost completely. "She's missed so much. It's kind of like we left her behind, and I've gone through too much to move backwards."

He nodded like he understood even if she really didn't fully comprehend it herself. They linked hands, and Lily left the Great Hall for_ the very last time_.

"I am glad to run into you." Piper said in way of a greeting when they nearly barreled over her just outside the doors. She didn't seem at all curious as to why they'd been in the Great Hall so early.

Her perfectly smooth robe put Lily's to shame, and she'd even taken the time to charm out the wrinkles trying to look nice for the special occasion.

James' approving chuckle was exaggerated by the nostalgia of the day. Everything seemed a little more unique and amusing today.

Piper didn't have time to gather herself before the Head Boy had pulled her into a friendly hug. Piper's posture remained as stiff as ever, but for the first time Lily caught of glimpse of real horror on the Hufflepuff's face. It was the most awkward exchange she'd ever seen.

James stepped away nonplussed by her reaction (or lack thereof), and Lily bit her lip to keep from giggling.

Piper stared pointedly at her with dread.

"We don't need to do that, do we?"

She let her laughter go, shaking her head and freeing Piper from any more displays of affection.

"I'm really glad we got to be friends, Prescott." Lily told her feeling the same nostalgia that infected James pour sincerity into her words.

"I feel the same as well." Piper replied clinically. "I did not know if we'd see one another before leaving so I had already prepared an Owl to notify you of my new location. I will be pursuing a Muggle medical degree in Psychiatry. I hope we will keep in touch."

Suddenly Lily was rethinking her decision not to hug her friend when she had the chance. Before this year she could have never imagined the ache she'd feel at the thought of no longer having Piper Prescott in her life.

The beautiful blonde seemed to sense Lily's oncoming emotional outburst as she looked nervously towards the doors offering her an escape.

"I'll write you as soon as I get settled, and I expect to hear all the little details of your new Muggle life. I am a Muggleborn, you know." Lily handcuffed her hands together behind her back to restrain her from grabbing Piper. Her eyes burned dangerously at their goodbye.

"Good. I am glad that we agree to uphold correspondence." Piper nodded once sharply before darting towards the door, only stopping to make one last remark. "It was very nice knowing you, Muggleborn."

James didn't say a word as he recaptured her hand and pulled her in the direction of the Gryffindor tower.

She'd said so many goodbyes lately, some far more permanent than others…

**THEN**

James and Lily were bookends to the final prefect meeting. He sat at one end of the long table, and she mirrored him at the other. The discussion, the rules, the decisions were all the same. It was only the location that was different.

When some of the prefects had approached her about holding the last meeting in Professor Slughorn's office, the same magically enhanced space that held Slug Club parties, she'd been reluctant but put it to a vote anyways. She'd been shocked when the overwhelming results had been in favor of the change in venue.

James had merely shrugged as unaffected as always, and the meeting had been moved much to Slughorn's delight.

"..Your duty for the year isn't complete until you step off the train which means badges are still mandatory for the duration of the day." The Head Boy commanded the room with ease as the meeting began to wind down.

Lily watched her peers' faces as they listened intently. Being the Head Girl had been her dream for as long as she'd been at Hogwarts. She'd craved the leadership, the importance of it with all her being. And then life had changed and things that had been so vital before began to fade.

When she'd accepted the position she'd made it something that she wanted to excel at all over again, but as she looked around it was impossible to tell if she'd made any kind of lasting impression at all. Had she been any more memorable than Camille Collins or any of the other nameless girls that had come before her?

James finished, but remained standing as she pushed out of her chair. He gave her a firm nod, concluding that everything that had needed to be said was finished.

"Thank you all for an-…unforgettable year." She gave them a dry smile that a few sheepishly managed to return. "Be safe over holiday. I expect you all to uphold the standards of a Hogwarts' Prefect throughout every part of your life, whether you're returning in September or you're moving forward with your life as an adult… With that I officially call to a close the 1978 term."

It was silent for a moment. Everyone staring at one another not knowing how to proceed, and then Astrid brought her hands together sharply. Her clap was joined by many, and she and James weren't the only ones standing anymore.

A smile lit her face as she looked towards the Head Boy. They'd received a standing ovation! But then she noticed that James was staring at her like all the rest of them and his claps moved right along with the noise. No, she was receiving a standing ovation…

The sound grew into a loud roar as other students poured into Slughorn's office, and it looked like all of the seventh years had joined the prefects. Now everyone's insistent on changing rooms made sense, and of course Professor Slughorn would agree. It was a Slug Club party that no one would skive off.

For once she let herself enjoy the festivities, managing to get through the night without getting drunk, having a panic attack, falling asleep, or bursting into tears.

Three hours later the party showed no signs of slowing down, and Lily had to excuse herself from the dance floor for a breather. Spotting Sirius and Peter on a couch in the corner, she joined them.

"You're just going to leave poor Prongs to slow dance all by himself?" Sirius narrowed his eyes at her, scandalized.

Every day it seemed the situation with the Marauders got a little bit better. It wasn't immediate acceptance, but they were definitely moving in the right direction.

"Why don't _you_ go join him?" She smirked. "We all know you're a better dancer than I am anyways."

She should've known that Sirius Black would never back down from a challenge, and before her very eyes she watched him detour James back out onto the dance floor. They unveiled a surprisingly polished routine without breaking their concentration once. Most of the other seventh years dancing around them didn't bat an eyelash at their behavior as if it was common place.

"Why do I get the feeling this isn't their first waltzed together?" She questioned Peter as she settled beside him on the couch where the seat was still warm from Sirius.

His boyish face blushed horribly from some Marauder tale that she didn't know, but she no longer felt the same envy that had haunted her for so long. She'd learned the hard way that some of their stories were better left unheard, sometimes for purely legal reasons and sometimes because they created mental images she would never be able to forget.

"I didn't see Remus sneak out." She observed after looking over the crowd twice and not finding the fourth Marauder. "I guess we should just be thankful he came at all. He seems like he's doing a bit better lately."

Peter was silent again, nodding at her statement while chewing at his bottom lip nervously.

"Is something wrong, Peter?"

"I'm really glad you're alright." Expelling a gusty breath, his rounded face remained tight with things unsaid.

Grimacing, her hand went to her now healed arm as if calling attention to the events that had transpired marred them with pain all over again.

"I'm glad no one else was hurt…It's hard not to feel guilty though. Callum was my friend. I should have seen it, but now it's like I never really knew him at all."

"Why do you think he did it?" He blurted the question out like it was burning his insides.

She contemplated a long time before answering.

"Callum did what was best for him." It was the simplest truth of all.

The jittery movement that fluttered constantly through Peter halted as his brows creased together with seriousness.

"Do you think he's evil?"

"He was most certainly capable of evil, but then again, I think almost everyone is." She reasoned calmly. "What he was trying to do was evil, but it's hard to view him as soulless when he was trying so hard to protect his family. He made a decision to become a Death Eater out of selfish reasons, not because he was monster."

The uncharacteristic calm still ruled over Peter as she watched his face contort with deep thought.

A sweeping black movement at the corner of her eye distracted her though, and she turned to watch the back of Snape's inky black hair disappear out the door across the room. Thoughts of Callum and Snape swirled together in her mind. They were completely different men who had taken such similar paths.

"I'm feeling kind of knackered. You don't mind telling James I left, do you?" She was already easing away from Peter's strange reverie, her full attention had already moved on to the realization that had just walked out of the room.

"S-ss-sure." Peter agreed instantly snapping back into the usual nerves that ran up and down his body as swiftly as a current.

Once she was free of curious eyes in the hallway she raced in the direction leading to the Slytherin Common Room. It didn't take her long to catch a glimpse of his billowing robe, and she called out to his back loudly.

"You knew all along, didn't you?"

His forward motion ceased instantly at the sound of her voice, but he didn't turn around to face her. The orange ambience cast by the torches swelled around them in the quiet.

"That's why you cursed Callum before the Christmas Ball. You weren't being jealous. You were warning him away from me because you knew he'd been assigned to murder me." There was no appreciation in her words, only accusation.

Still facing away from her, she could only see the rapid huff of his shoulders as his breathing increased in an emotion she no longer knew him well enough to detect.

"Look at me!" Ugly rage consumed her at the sight of his uncaring back and she unleashed another shout. "Fucking look at me."

Finally he gave in, turning with controlled disinterest. An indifferent mask fitted tightly over his features. She barely recognized him anymore.

"Quit protecting me, Severus." Her anger had been shoved back in line, creating a deadly calm that echoed through her soundly. "I'm just like _every _other filthy Mudblood that you hate so much. My mother and father were as muggle as you can be. They watched the telly, and loved taking car rides, and my Da was silly over football. They were MUGGLES and my father died trying to save my mum's life, which is far braver than anything most wizards will ever do.

"Those muggles you and your friends are so quick to belittle have managed to not only survive without magic, but thrive! They live, and love, and die just like all those who boast about their supposedly pure blood."

Something dawned on her as she continued, her eyes widening with realization.

"The real truth is that you fear them, isn't it? You're just a bully on the playground doing whatever you can to feel superior to someone, _anyone_, so you pick on those you think are weak.

"Those people that you're so quick to condemn are my family. I'm a MUDBLOOD, the daughter of muggles and the granddaughter of muggles without a single drop of magical blood to be found for centuries, and I'm the Head Girl. I'm the one who got invited to Auror training. I'm the one who received more OWLS and better NEWTs than any other student in our year.

"So quit pretending I'm somehow different than all the rest of them, or that I deserve to be saved. I _am _one of them, and I wouldn't change it for all the pure blood in the world."

His dark eyes were hard, letting the truth she poured out bounce off his armor without touching him. It was too late for him. He was lost to the hate. She didn't understand why he kept trying to save her.

"Just let me go, Sev." She pleaded for the both of them, and for a second life sparked in his unfeeling gaze. "I'm not the one who needs saving."

**NOW**

Hand in hand James and Lily arrived at the Gryffindor Common Room. After a quick argument over who got to say the password (which James won), they entered the rowdiness of every Gryffindor ages twelve to eighteen trying to collect all of their lost belongings that had scattered over the last eight months.

"Doesn't look like they've finished yet." He said after they'd fought their way through the swarm to stand at the mouth of the dormitory stairs.

The Marauders were absent from the rambunctious throng, and James stared up the boy's stairs longingly.

"Please go make sure they're not booby trapping the dorm for next term. Those poor first years might never recover." She gave his sturdy shoulder a nudge up the stairs. "I'm going to go make sure all of Kat and Evie's things were moved out."

She hadn't been back to her old room since Kat's death, and she didn't exactly know what to expect as she pushed open the familiar door. She knew that Marley had stopped using the dorm after the loss of her last roommate, but Lily still wasn't quite prepared for the emptiness that greeted her as she stepped inside.

That one step she took was as far as she got. There was nothing left for her there. Without Evie, Kat, and Marley it was just a room. Next term it would be someone else's.

Back down in the Common Room she waited for the Marauders as her peers slowly drained out. Her trunk and Snitch's crate were already on the Hogwarts' Express waiting to greet her in London.

"Took you lot long enough." She griped at them when they finally made their way down. "Did you have to have one last pillow fight for old time's sake?"

"Don't play coy, Lovely." Sirius shot back with a sly smirk. "We all know the real fun happens up in the girl's dorm."

James barked with laughter at the innuendo of the kiss they'd interrupted with Kat. "Merlin, Lily, I'd forgotten about that. Have you snogged everyone in our year?"

Sirius was the only one to join in James' humor as Lily, Peter, and Remus all flushed scarlet. James had taken to teasing her at every opportunity about her wandering lips ever since she'd filled him in on the accidental Peter kiss.

"Oh bugger off." She declared grabbing him by the shirt sleeve and dragging him out of the common room knowing the others would follow.

The good natured joking didn't stop until they exited the castle, and made their way over to the lake. Seventh years were scattered in small groups up and down the rounded shore, and Lily and the Marauders made their own spot to themselves.

"How long until the ceremony starts?" She quietly asked Remus as James, Sirius, and Peter took turns cursing one another to see who could withstand whatever pain they concocted the longest.

His hair had a reddish tint in the afternoon sun, and though the warmth brought rosiness to his cheeks, his skin was still sickly pale.

"The Headmaster's speech will start any minute, but the boats probably want leave for a half an hour." His eyes never left his friends.

Could it really be over? She took in the majestic sight of Hogwarts greedily, storing each detail in memory.

Her gaze lingered over the tallest tower, and her hand clenched around the Ring of Honor.

"Where are you going?" James called after her after she'd suddenly fled her spot with Remus and headed back towards the castle.

"I forgot something." She said truthfully over her shoulder. There was no time to stop and explain. "I'll be back before the boats leave."

Sprinting around corners, racing through short cuts, and running up what seemed like a million flights of stairs, she finally arrived at her destination gasping for breath. The open turrets that surrounded her in the tallest tower created a wind tunnel blowing her hair and clothes wildly around her. A small ledge opened up under one of the openings, and without time to rethink her decision she crawled out of the safety of the castle.

On her hands and knees she followed the small ledge which slanted upwards until it peaked in the tallest point in all of Hogwarts. Taking deep calming breaths, she kept her eyes glued to the sturdy roof underneath her hands and far away from the endless drop to the ground.

Situated at the peak, she pulled the necklace off and held up the Ring of Honor until it was even with her eyes as it glittered prettily in the sun.

She absolutely positive that Baker would've been laughing his arse off if he could've seen her right then. She wouldn't have put it passed him to come up with this elaborate ruse about a love of tall places just to give her a good fright.

"I'm leaving Hogwarts today, and I think-…" She trailed off. Her words were spoken to the ring, but they were meant for Baker. She started over. "I miss you every day… But I think- I think it's time for me to let you rest. You can stay here in your favorite spot at the tallest spot in all of Hogwarts."

She looped the chain she'd worn for so long around the peak with the ring dangling flat against the tower. She cast every spell and charm she could think of until she was positive that the ring would never be disturbed.

Pulling back she looked at it one last time, and a sensation so strong it nearly knocked her over exploded in her chest. It welled up violently, lodging in her throat. It was the same unnatural feeling she'd gotten on Christmas when Baker had worn his charmed bracelet and thought of her at the exact same moment she thought of him.

Somewhere out there, beyond this world, Baker was watching her, and she knew without a doubt that he was proud.

There was no time to enjoy the knowledge. With less concern for her safety she slid back down the ledge and was tearing through Hogwarts in no time at all. She charged out the front doors onto the lawn towards the Dark Lake with a burst of speed.

Dumbledore's speech was over, and boats already speckled the lake filled with seventh years making the same journey they'd made as first years but in reverse. They'd come full circle. Tiny and scared, they'd once been welcomed by the same boats that now came to wish them farewell.

Only two or three remained pushed on the shore and Lily launched herself into the one occupied by the four Marauders before it could leave her.

"Cutting it a bit close there." Remus told her with an old half smile. He and Peter faced forwards on the first or two rows, while Lily squeezed between Sirius and James on the second.

"I made it." It was easy to return his smile, and as the boat magically pushed into the open water with all the others, she could fully appreciate the meaning behind the words for the first time.

She repeated the sentiment with pride.

"We all made it."

Lilythought of all those who had made this journey before her. The world that had waited for them beyond the lake had not been shrouded with darkness and mystery. She envied them. They would never appreciate the bright optimism that left their futures unblemished and clear.

Not her generation though. No, they would only be known for their tragedies.

In the boats around her students all looked back at the home they left and the memories that would soon fade. Some turned around fully to gape at the distance that grew between them and Hogwarts, while others held off as long as they could before casting a glance over their shoulder as if they were just checking to make sure that it was still there- still real.

Everyone eventually looked… but not Lily.

She didn't need to look one last time. She had an entire future ahead of her, waiting at the end of the short boat ride across the Dark Lake. It wasn't like she was really leaving anyways. Hogwarts would always be a part of her, living inside of her just like Baker, Harvey, and Kat. It was part of who she was now.

She laid her head on James' shoulder, wrapping their hands together in his lap.

The class of 1978 would always be known for the things that they lost.

Looking up at James, her eyes studied his face and a gentle smile tugged at her lips.

She could only hope that love would find its way into their legacy as well.

0000000

**Author's Note:** Well that's the last non-epilogue chapter of LAOT. I can't believe it's over. I really truly couldn't have done it without you guys. Seriously, if I had this kind of support for my original fiction then I'd have actually completed something by now.

I know there's only an epilogue left and there's not much incentive to review, but it would mean a lot to me to hear from all of you that have made this long journey with me. Thank you for your support.

**If you can't think of anything to review about I'd love to get feedback on: **

The different format of the chapter with the "**Then" **and** "Now"**- Did it kill the flow? Was it confusing? (I've never done a chapter like this before)

Lily's last goodbyes to Baker; turning down the Auror position, the scar, and the Ring of Honor's final resting place on the tallest tower of Hogwarts.

Lily and Snape's last showdown

**Don't forget about the new Behind-the-scenes! **


	21. Epilogue: It Came to Be

**Love and Other Tragedies**

**Suggestion:** I highly recommend rereading the prologue before this chapter.

**Previously On:** Lily befriend Grace Murray before Grace's sudden mysterious disappearance.

**Epilogue:**

…**It Came to Be**

Countless students fell in love at Hogwarts in the seven blissfully brief years they spent coming of age.

They fell in love with boys and girls; careers and idols; and even the special Treacle Tarts served on Thursdays. Some fell in love with friends and some with enemies. A few merely fell in love with the idea of love, and even less were willing to admit that fact to themselves.

Lily Evans was rubbish at time management. Her mouth was foul, often emitting curse words that could make an Auror blush. There were times she was as randy as a fifth year boy. She could never be found in an unwrinkled uniform, and she could be terribly, unintentionally, self-absorbed.

Everyone thought she was perfectly lovely, except for one boy who called her pathetic.

She hadn't known a thing about love until him.

Love was what she'd been made to do. It had started with a deformity in the simplest most basic type of relationship that exists: the love of a sibling.

A wise woman had once told Lily that, _"_The great thing about siblings is that they don't have to like you to love you… Blood is blood, and whether you want to or not you'll always love one another. She might hate every minute of it, but if you needed her she'd be there."

May Simmons didn't live long enough to know how true her words would become. Blood was blood, and when a bundle of swaddled blankets showed up on Petunia Dursley's doorstep, she didn't have to like Lily to love her enough to take in her only son.

If she were being honest with herself then Lily could admit that-

It could have only ever been James.

It couldn't have been Severus Snape who first welcomed her to their world, and ultimately assigned her to her death. The man who gave her everything except for the very last thing she'd ever asked of him. He would never be able stop protecting her. He could never let her go, not even with his very last breath.

Nor could it have been the boy she called Baker, whose love was so simple to accept she never even had to try. The friend she'd loved so fiercely she let him take of piece of her to his grave.

Because love wasn't easy. 

It could not have been Remus who could have used her love the most.

Love was not about need.

And not Sirius either, who was only ever safe in the most dangerous way. A boy who never threatened to set her heart on fire.

Love was the opposite of control.

But because she had loved Petunia and Severus, and because she had loved Sirius Black, Lily didn't have a clue how to love James Potter.

Not for need. Not for comfort. Not for simplicity. And not because they all had their tragedies.

Her heart had been wide open since the day she was born, welcoming in anyone who desired a place, whether it was deserved or not.

So busy seeing everyone else, she could not see her loved ones peering back at her, taking with them permanent imprints of her through their lives.

She did not notice when Peter Pettigrew learned of betrayal. When he saw her do what was best for her despite the consequences to the loved ones around her. Peter had once asked Lily who'd he'd be without the Marauders, and when she could think of no answer to give him, he'd found his own down a dark and twisting path of betrayal.

She didn't see the hardened scar tissue that would never fully heal between the best of friends. Nor could she have understood the ramifications of the sliver of doubt that made it that much easier for James to tell their most guarded secret to another.

She missed the moment when she'd broken Severus Snape, taking away the only love he'd ever known as unconditional and leaving him with nothing but the need for power. Power that would keep him from ever feeling such hurt again.

The one thing Lily had always seen was a boy with hazel eyes and messy hair who stared right back at her.

It wasn't obvious to anyone, least of all her.

James hadn't saved her. There was no great need for love that drew her to him. He could be cruel. He didn't know her best, and he most certainly didn't always do the right thing.

All he did was love her. He loved her through the good and the bad. He loved her in sickness and in health. He loved her for exactly who she was and for every flaw she proudly wore.

But most importantly…She loved him right back-

Until the very end

.

.

.

**40 Years Later**

Getting out of the car she'd paid to bring her here, the woman wasn't that surprised to find the muggle driver was suddenly too busy to drive the rest of the way down the long winding path that led to the grand estate whose address was scribbled on a scrap of parchment in her pocket.

Even faced with the looming strenuous walk, the clearly anti-muggle charm brought a smile to her face. It had been a long time since she'd felt the warm acknowledgement that she was different from the majority of people who unknowingly shared their planet.

Her once deep brown hair was weaved with grey, and while her bright eyes remained unchanged in color, they were also marred with crows' feet splintering off at each corner. She was getting up there in years, especially by muggle standards, but she made the trek with a positive jerk in her step.

It was a beautiful June day, warm but guarded from any true sweltering heat by the thin shield of clouds that stretched across the sky. The weather perfectly framed the idyllic setting of the large manor surrounded by rolling English countryside. As she got closer a magical veil in the field to the right of the house shimmered out and then disappeared altogether to reveal tall goal posts standing at attention.

A small secret smile spread across her lips at the knowledge that the man who had unexpectedly Owled her months ago was without a doubt Quidditch-obsessed, James Potter's son.

The sound of what could have been a thousand stampeding children met her ears just before she passed over the last hill impeding the house, and she had to stop to take in the sight. A swarming group of children made up of every size, age, shape, and color became impossible to measure as the lively crowd was stuck in constant motion.

Joined by their hands four smaller girls skipped in a circle led by a silver-haired teenager who was singing in French, lanky boys took pleasure in yanking their plaits as they passed, wrapped up in their own game. Several other smaller groupings made up the rest of the whole as children would detach at random to shuffle to take on a new activity.

"Did you know trespassing is a punishable offence by the Ministry of Magic?"

Distracted by the rambunctious activities the woman hadn't noticed the small redhead's approach. The girl's head barely reached her waist, and while her appearance was certainly childlike, her question was leveled with a steady calm that seemed unnatural for someone who couldn't have even been old enough to attend Hogwarts yet.

"I'm here to see Mr. Harry Potter," the woman responded cheerfully, a nervous smile shivering across her mouth.

Navy eyes sparked with something like interest.

"He won't talk to reporters." Something new and nearly mischievous desperately tried to pull free across the child's angelic features. "But I could tell you all sorts of things…if the price was right, of course."

The woman stared down at her blankly, unsure if she should be amused or frightened by the cunning redhead.

"You little monster!" The bloke who scooped the petite child over his shoulder had definitely settled on amusement. His genuine chuckle and wavy, rust colored hair flared up a sense of distant familiarity that she couldn't quite place.

Rising to his full height (a full head or two taller than the woman), he stuck his hand out to her completely ignoring the insubordinate child draped over his shoulder.

The woman shook his hand as he spoke, "I'm guessing you aren't here to do us any harm or the anti-intruder jinx would've shocked you sky high by now… And you should know that other than being destined to bring her family shame as a future Slytherin, the little monster is also right. Harry doesn't have much patience for reporters."

"I'm not a journalist… Or a Death Eater for that matter." She used her warmest, sincerest smile to assure them. He was definitely the oldest of the bunch, probably already out of Hogwarts, which meant he was the one most likely to be able to offer her some real assistance. "I've come to respond to a letter a received."

"In that case- I'm Teddy Lupin. It's nice to meet you. I'll help you find Harry. He can be a little slippery on days when the whole lot gets together like this." Teddy swung around and headed towards the house, carelessly bouncing the girl's head against his back where she hung upside down.

"Are you sure I can't interest you in a little family dirt?" The girl strained to get a good look at the woman from her upside down position. "Harry and I aren't in a good place right now… He refuses to let me go to Hogwarts."

Teddy snorted. "That's because you're only ten."

"My birthday is September 2nd! One day late, Teddy! One day!" she vented, using a tiny fist to bang into his back. "Besides I think we all know what the real problem is… Harry is subconsciously taking his anger out on me because his glory days have passed while mine are right ahead of me."

Jostling her unnecessarily as they took the stairs, the woman saw him trying to fight off laughter. He'd recovered by the time he spoke.

"You tricked Tabatha into taking you to the Headmaster's house where you tried to _BRIBE _him into letting you start a year early, and when that didn't work you threatened the poor man! I'm quite sure there is nothing '_subconscious'_ about Harry's anger."

A slip of a chuckle escaped the woman, reminding them that she was there.

"I'm sorry," she apologized for her intrusion when they both looked at her. She focused on the girl who she now knew was on the eve of her eleventh birthday. "What's your name, dear?"

Reaching the large red door at the front of the house, Teddy unceremoniously dumped her back on her feet and dark red hair splayed on either side of her pretty face. She stared up at the brunette incredulously.

"You don't know who _I_ am?"

The woman was saved from offering the wrong answer by Teddy giving the girl a sturdy shove in the opposite direction. She didn't fight him, continuing off in the trajectory he'd sent her, not even stopping as she grumbled loudly, "I'm Harry Potter's bloody daughter! _Witch Weekly _just did a feature calling me Wizarding royalty!"

Teddy brushed off the display, never losing his easy demeanor.

"That's Lily. She's rather…spirited… But please, for Merlin's sake, don't ever let her hear you call her that."

"Oh? Which one would that be: Lily or spirited?"

Teddy's face scrunched as he led her through the designed warm ambience of the house.

"Actually, it's probably best to just stay out of her way."

Hues of red and gold decorated room after room, reminding her of what she could only imagine the inside of the Gryffindor Common Room looked like. There were also family portraits, hundreds of them smiling on every wall; some featured smaller groups, while others stretched on and on, trying to capture dozens of cheerful faces. Voices echoed through the pattern of hallways they cut through, but they never encountered the people they belonged to.

Teddy finally stopped at a closed door, rapping his knuckles three times against the wood in rapid succession.

There was no response.

"Harry! Ron! I know you're in there."

Silence.

"It's your Godson. You're under moral obligation to open this door. You owe it to my dead father," Teddy called rather cheerfully.

The door flew open and the woman had to take a breathless step back as she was faced with a ghost.

It wasn't an unusual reaction for Harry to receive, but the woman's reasons were different than most.

"This nice lady was looking for you. I saved her from your daughter," Teddy introduced briefly before giving a quick wave and exiting the same way they'd just come.

Harry eyed the woman with wary trepidation. It wasn't the first time a stray had managed to find their address and slip through the plethora of charms, spells, and jinx that protected the property.

"Ron Weasley." A large man with ginger hair that matched at least half the children outside shoved his body between them with the slightest air of protectiveness. His freckled hand extended towards her. "And this is Harry, but I'm sure you already knew that."

"It's nice to meet you both." She offered them a kind smile. "My name is Grace Murray. I received a letter from you several months ago. I'm very sorry to show up unannounced, but any child of Lily Evans and James Potter was someone I needed to see in person."

It was Harry's turn to take a breathless step in retreat.

His parents had always been a mystery to him. They'd been an unknown factor for most of his life, even as he overindulged in the same old second-hand stories he'd heard over and over again. Sirius and Remus had breezed through his life, holding all the answers, but never fully having the time to share with him all the information he ravenously craved.

Becoming a parent himself had added a whole new longing to the dynamic.

There were times with James, Albus, and Lily when he would be able to clearly identify his or Ginny's characteristics in their little quirks and traits. James' sneaky smirk when he thought he'd gotten away with something- that was all Ginny. Or Lily's moodiness- that probably came from him.

There were a million times that he could see his personality in his children, and it only made him wonder what he'd unknowingly inherited from the strangers that died to protect him.

Was there more than just the physical connection? Had he gotten something else from Lily Evans than just the sparkling emerald that haunted his eyes? Was there more of James Potter in him than their matching messy hair and love of a game?

"You alright, mate?" Ron asked concern marking the furrow of his brow.

Harry nodded slowly. "Do you think you could give us a minute alone?"

Once the other man had left them by themselves, Harry invited her into his office, closing the door behind them.

Grace took the high backed leather chair he gestured too, and he blushed like a child caught doing something wrong as he vanished the two half empty glasses of Firewhiskey that sat on the small table between them.

"I have to tell you that you gave my first grade class quite a treat with that gorgeous owl that delivered my letter." She chuckled good naturedly to let him passed her teasing tone. "I thought I'd gone mad when it swooped right down to perch on the open window seal. I haven't received post like that in forty years."

"So you've been living as a muggle? There was some confusion as to what actually happened to you according to Hogwarts' records… It's shockingly not unusual for the students of 1978. There are only six listed as possible survivors, and two of you have been missing since before the term even ended."

A solemn sadness aged her face as he watched her gather her words.

"I left Hogwarts early that year. My father was a Squib and when things began to deteriorate with the war he had me flee in the middle of night. For safety, I wasn't even allowed to tell my dorm mates I was leaving. We moved overseas, and I've been living as a muggle ever since. My parents snapped my wand that night convinced that magic would lead to my death."

They were silent both thinking over the probable truth of her father's caution.

"I'm sure you think I'm a coward," she started again thoughtfully, but not altogether ashamedly. "Most days I'd be inclined to agree with you. I abandoned my people, left them to be slaughtered. You said there are six possible survivors from my year, and I can guarantee it was neither courage nor talent that gifted them their lives. For me, it wasn't evil either, though."

"I don't think you're evil." Harry's face shifted to alarm with his denial. He hadn't meant to make her think that. "I don't think you're a coward either. If you were really a coward you would have ignored my letter altogether like the two other people I sent letters to that didn't get returned unopened."

"…About the letter, Harry. I have to admit that I'm probably not the best source for information about your parents. I really only knew them- as much as the rest of Hogwarts did- from afar," she said.

"But you knew them, right? You knew the Marauders?"

"Everyone knew the Marauders," Grace responded quietly with a nostalgia filling her eyes as visibly as if it'd been tears. "Sirius Black, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin. You either fancied them, envied them, or pretended to be annoyed with them."

Harry let silence overtake them again.

"They're all dead now, aren't they?" Grace stared at the floor, wishing Harry hadn't been so quick to dismiss the Firewhiskey. She might need some if she was going to get through this conversation.

"And my Mum? Did you know Lily Evans as well?" He didn't bother to respond to her question which he could only hope was rhetorical. Of course they were all dead.

She nodded, finding her smile again. "Lovely Lily."

"I've heard Slughorn call her that before," Harry said proudly.

"Oh, yes, Lovely Lily was Professor Slughorn's favorite of all his favorites… And she wasn't just popular with the professors either. It seemed just about everyone was in love with her. And your Dad…well, your dad-."

"He was a bully, I know," he forced the words out cold and uncaring, trying not to irritate the old wound.

"A bully?" She mulled the term over in her mind. "It's hard for me to see him that way. He was immature. They-…_We_ all were. The Marauders did a lot of things they probably wish they hadn't, and some of that fun was at the expense of others… But they weren't bad people. They were just kids. And by the time Sirius and Lily started dating all of that business was long in the past."

"Er- what was that?" Sirius and his mum? That couldn't be right.

But Grace Murray told him all about it.

He learned about a teenage girl who fell in love with a bad boy with a twisted past. A girl who had best mates that were muggleborns just like her, and a teenager that had even been a little rebellious. A witch that was orphaned at age fourteen, and lost someone else important to her at seventeen.

Grace could only share tales as an outsider looking in. She didn't know the specific details that would weave the information into a story, but she was honest, giving the good with the bad in equal parts.

Grace Murray took Lily Evans out of his unfulfilling ghostly memories and the careful cut-out that he'd created throughout his life, and made her a real person.

When she finished, scraping up every last detail from her memory down to the stubborn wrinkles that Lily wore on her school uniform like a fashion statement and the way James had transformed into such an honorable head boy, they sat quietly. She felt emptied out, as if she'd been plowed like a field being prepared for a harvest. This was why she'd come. She wanted to give his boy- this remarkable boy orphaned by an entire generation- anything and everything she could.

What she hadn't expected was the loneliness that suddenly filled in the cracks and empty spaces of what she'd just given up.

"I'm sorry to bring all this up for you." More than sympathy shone through his green eyes when he spoke, an aura of pure gratefulness radiated off him.

"They deserved to be remembered," Grace answered. "And not as saints or unblemished martyrs, but as the remarkable, flawed, human beings that actually lived and died and made a real difference in this world."

Again they were both quiet, dancing with all the ghosts that shadowed them. They were two people damaged by the same evil: one haunted by all the things they had done and seen, and the other by all the things they had not.

"Ms. Murray?"

"Please call me Grace."

"Grace," he corrected himself. "If it wouldn't trouble you too terrible much, would you mind dropping around every now and then? I'd like to hear about the others, too. The ones who don't have anyone remember them."

For the first time in forty years, the scared girl who had fled Hogwarts in the dead of night, did not regret being alive. If she had lived only for this purpose, to offer this small comfort to the man who had saved so many and suffered so much, then it was worth it.

"I would be honored," she said and she meant it very much.

An unexpected peace settled over his face, making an old, faded scar look all but nonexistent. "Thank you."

"No… Thank you, Mr. Potter."

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**Author's Note: **I sincerely apologize for the delay. My venture into original fiction has kept me pretty busy, but all the reviews, follows, and faves have kept me from forgetting LAOT and the epilogue I owed all my loyal readers. I had a goal when I started writing this story to make it to 1,000 reviews and even though that doesn't seem like a probability at this point I wouldn't trade the reviews I've received for four hundred more. All of my readers have given me the confidence to pursue my dreams, and for that I'm eternally grateful.

As for _Memoirs of a Bad Girl_, I'd love to work on it again when my work schedule isn't quite so hectic. If I meet all my current deadlines, I'd love to have regular updates on _Memoirs_ back this summer.

With the book finally shut on LAOT, I'd love to hear your final thoughts on the story as a whole but also if you had any favorite moments or parts that stood out to you.


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